Black-ish (2014) s02e23 Episode Script

1 Moms They're amazing.
They're the closest thing we have in real life to superheroes.
I mean, they may not be able to fly or lift cars, but they have other superpowers (Roars) like being able to make dinner out of the only available ingredients.
Here you go, baby.
Mama made you some macaroni, Spam, and grape jelly.
Yay! Another mom superpower They don't get sick, no matter how much they care for sick kids.
Is that sweet boy stuffed up? Come here and let Mama suck that junk out of that baby nose.
(Slurps) And Bow has the same "never gets sick" superpower, just without the same loving touch.
Mom, I don't feel good.
You do feel warm.
Maybe like a 99.
8.
Push fluids.
Take Tylenol Three, not four.
Four will kill you.
Two's not enough.
Four will kill me? And two's not enough.
Aspirin's weird.
Get some rest.
That's it? Yeah.
That or die.
You're fine.
Go to work.
- But I don't want to.
- Go! But every once in a while, even Superman goes down.
I got something, and it's bad.
- Mom, are you okay? - Oh, I'm so sorry, Ruby.
I threw up twice, and I haven't even eaten any of your cooking.
Aw, did I say I was sorry? I meant I hope it's something exotic and terminal.
Bow.
I'm gonna get you when I'm well, Rainbow.
Dre, come help your mama! Do not move.
Okay, my mom is sick.
That never happens.
What are we gonna do? I think we should quarantine her.
Oh! I know where.
At her own house, where she's supposed to live.
Seriously, Bow, this is bad, all right? It has to be a superbug if it took her down.
Oh, God.
It's gonna run through the whole family.
We're toast.
I got to live, Bow! Somebody's got to tell our story! - You need to calm down.
- Oh, I am calm.
I just can't get sick, Bow.
I carry this household.
- I'm sorry.
You carry this household? - I am the big dog.
I can't get sick either, Big Dog.
Parker and Danny are supposed to fight over me, and if I'm not at school tomorrow, they might not fight.
I mean, people could think I'm not worth fighting over.
Oh, my God.
I need to make them fight tonight.
Bow, we got to get the rest of the kids in here so I can spray them down.
Dre, you cannot spray the kids with bleach.
It's diluted.
It's basically just bleachy water.
You know what? Let me go handle this.
- Ruby! - Huh? Can you remember what you've been doing for the last 72 hours? You sound like that cop when Earl's boat blew up.
I'm trying to figure out what you have.
Think.
Think, Ruby.
- I know that Friday - Uh-huh.
It was the church beefsteak dinner.
(Laughs) And then Saturday was the church crab boil.
(Laughs) And today was Hot Dog Day.
(Laughs) It's flu season, and you decided to hit up a trifecta of communal hand-eating gatherings? Rainbow, what do you got against the church raising money for the pastor's legal-defense fund? Mom? I don't feel good.
- Aw.
- Oh, God.
It's happening.
Okay.
I'm ready.
I'm ready.
Sweetheart, have you been around your grandmother this weekend? No.
Ooh, meat! Ooh, crab! Ooh, hot dogs! And butter! It's like a Whew 101.
3.
You definitely have something.
All right, go upstairs and put on your PJs, okay? I'll be up there in two seconds.
It is happening.
Contagion is here, and it's gonna get me, and it's gonna get us! - Oh! Oh, are you kidding me? - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry! I got to live! I got to live! - Morning, Dre.
- Mm, Oprah.
So, Stedman gonna work the camera, right? Dre.
Hey, yeah.
You're in early.
Whoa, whoa.
You, uh You coming down with something? Oh, no, no, no, no.
You know, there's some stuff going around, but, you know, I'm I'm okay.
Good.
It is not a great time to be getting sick No.
With all this uncertainty going around.
That is why I am not sick.
Wow.
You look sick as (bleep) I am here in perfectly good health to crush it and remind you why I am so valuable to this company.
- You're shaking.
- It's just allergies.
You know, flowers, grass, shellfish.
Ugh, I ate a seafood tower for breakfast this morning.
So stupid.
And now I'm paying for (Gags, coughs) Okay, Josh, seriously, you need to go home right now.
No! I am so fine! Come on.
What are we working on? Let's get her done.
Let's go! Oh, God.
I got to live! I got to live! - Get out! Get out! - Okay! I'm sorry! This job is all I have! That is one green white dude.
He's sick and he won't even admit it.
I don't get sick.
My grandmother taught me an old-school remedy.
Put some fish guts and vinegar in an old mayonnaise jar.
Let it sit outside in the sun for a couple days.
One shot of that and, boom, you're all good.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm sorry, but that is so backward.
You got to be cutting-edge.
In fact, right now, as a preventative, I just poured myself this delicious cup of tiger-penis tea.
- Tiger what? - Oh, there's no actual penis in it.
I mean, that would be crazy.
No, no, no.
It's the fluid that they extract when the tiger is fully aroused.
Some poor bastard has to get to third base with the tiger before they can extract it.
So, it's the fluid of a fully aroused tiger.
- Why don't you think about what that is? - Yeah.
- It's tea.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Well, I'm not gonna be drinking any fish guts from a jar or tiger-penis tea, all right? I'm just gonna keep my kids from making me sick.
I can't be around any sick kids.
The minute Eustace show any cold or flu symptoms, I make him stay with his mother.
'Course I live between a paint factory and a sewage-treatment plant, so so that coughing and runny nose could be from something else.
I don't see Eustace often.
FaceTime is our quality time.
Rainbow.
Rainbow! I'm right here.
- You knew that.
- I'm delirious.
I can only yell.
- I blame this on you, Rainbow! - What? You probably brought some old demon parasite home - from that old raggedy hospital.
- No.
This is your fault and your dirty church meat.
How many people touched that stuff, huh? It's called fellowship.
- Yeah, okay.
- You wouldn't understand.
- No! - But I'm gonna be taken away from all of that now.
I'm going to meet my maker.
You're not gonna die.
How can you be so sure? Because nothing ever works out for me.
Are you guys gonna come in? Mom says we shouldn't because you might be contagious.
Actually, I'm not worried about getting what you have because you can't catch weakness.
Ha! I'm sorry, Jack.
Are you all right? Kind of bored, but it's okay.
It's given me time to think, and I've come up with something really cool.
- What? - It's a secret.
- A secret? - Yeah.
The secret is (Whispers indistinctly) What? - (Whispers indistinctly) - What are you saying? The secret is You've got the flu.
Why?! I stand corrected.
You can catch weakness.
My house had become a World Health Organization hot zone.
People were dropping like flies.
I needed to pack my go bag and get the hell out of there.
- Dre.
- Oh! What are you doing? I was, uh I was just giving this stuff to Goodwill.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
You're giving old underwear and $2,000 shoes to Goodwill? Damn it, Bow! I'm checking into a hotel, all right? I can't get sick.
And these shoes really shouldn't be in here, either.
- Dre.
- What? I I think I got what they have.
I feel really rough.
Dre, I'm gonna need your help with the kids.
Me? What What about Zoey? Dre, Zoey went down like an hour ago.
We have three sick kids.
- I don't feel good, Mommy.
- Oh, my God.
I'm weak.
- Dre, we have four sick kids.
- Damn it! I'm really gonna need you step it up.
No, Bow.
You're fine.
You look great.
- Maybe you just need a nap.
- Dre? I have been sleeping all afternoon.
And it shows.
You look fresh.
You can do this, Bow! You're the champ! - I'm sweating.
- You are glistening like the champ.
You're Floyd Mayweather.
Come on, Mama.
You got the Mm! Okay.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
I get it.
I get it.
You're trying You're trying to make weight! (Bow vomiting) Hey, sweetie.
You're glistening, too.
So, my sick family left me no choice but to take care of them.
First order of business Separate the patients by symptoms.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
You said separate by symptoms, Bow.
You two are the only ones with nausea.
Yeah, but she's the only one with crazy! Yeah, but I want to live, Bow! I want to live! Don't leave Mama in here with her, baby! Don't stay in here with me! I don't like you! Don't leave Don't leave Mama in here with her.
- Mom! - My head hurts! I'm freezing! - My back is killing me! - Help! (All yelling) Guys, guys, guys! Okay, hey, guys.
All right, guys, guys, guys.
Come on.
Calm down, all right? I'm here to help.
I'm here to help, okay? Now, tell me what you need.
Mom! Look, I just said I was right here.
- Come on.
- You're not Mom! Where's Mom? Your mom is too sick to come down here to help you, okay? So I'm gonna step in, and I'm gonna take care of you.
- No! - Wrong answer! You broke my heart! I'm not gonna graduate on time! I brought tissue! I can do this! - Can you? - My nose.
Can't breathe.
See? That's why I brought tissues, see? Mom always holds it for us so we can blow really hard.
Okay.
Well, uh, Mom always holds it for you.
- I guess I could hold it for you.
- Ah-choo! Mom! I couldn't scrub hard enough.
But then it hit me.
What kind of father was I? In their hour of need, my kids wanted anything but me.
- Mom! - Where's Mom? - You're not Mom! - I was a non-factor.
I had to do better.
Ruby Evelyene Johnson was ecstatic to live her life out loud, the ups and downs of her journey playing like the staccato notes of Louis Armstrong.
- I'm trying to sleep.
- And I'm trying to write my obituary.
Oh.
You know what? I should have a first draft of that somewhere around here.
Bow, can you teach me how to take care of the kids? - This is all new to me.
- (Sighs) Okay, Dre.
- This is really complicated.
- Mm-hmm.
It took me four years of med school to learn this.
You're gonna give the kids medicine, you're gonna feed them, and you're gonna comfort them.
Medicine, food, comfort.
"M," "F," "C.
" Magenta filing cabinet.
- What are you doing? - It's an old adman memory trick.
You link what you're trying to remember to strong visual images.
Magenta filing cabinet.
- What does that stand for, Dre? - It's So, Bow wrote it down for me.
All right, guys.
We got to keep our strength up, so it's chicken soup time.
Did Mom make that? - No.
- Hard pass.
Okay.
Anybody else? (Singsong voice) It's delicious soup.
Oh, you guys are still a little feverish.
All right.
Let's get those numbers down.
- Junior, you go first.
- I can't swallow a pill.
- What? - That's why Mom lets me take the liquid stuff.
Man, that's for babies.
You're 14 years old, son.
You got to know how to take a pill.
Look.
I'll show you.
(Gulps) See? Look at that.
No problem.
Just like that.
Your turn.
It's still in your mouth.
It is not.
Prove it.
Kyle Berry hit me in the throat with a curtain rod in fifth grade, and I haven't been the same ever since.
Huh.
What's your excuse? I don't need one.
I am who I am.
Fine.
Babies, let's go.
Your turn.
- There you go.
- Did Mom pour that? - No.
- And how do I know it's the right dose? - You don't.
- One extra cc of that, - I'm in a permanent vegetative state.
- They look even.
- Here, Jack.
Take yours.
- That's gonna be a no for me, dawg.
And it should read, "Survived by her son, Andre, the light of her life, bravely raising her four gorgeous grandchildren alone.
" Excuse me? "Survived by her many satisfied lovers" (Chuckles) "Including Compton City Councilman Eugene Tinsley, Syrus from the Real World, and wrestling legend Junkyard Dog.
" I think this is hell.
I'm in hell right now.
So, Bow had a long night, and so did the kids, tossing and turning and turning and tossing.
And no matter what they did, they couldn't get comfortable.
And neither could I.
The next day wasn't much better.
- I'm freezing! - I'm boiling! - Okay, okay.
- Why is it so bright in here? - Okay.
Okay.
- Ah! It's too dark! Vitamin D draining out of me! - Now I'm freezing! - Now I'm boiling! - Okay, I am not a yo-yo! - Still so bright! - I'm not a vampire! - Okay.
Unfortunately.
Why are you kids so damn needy?! Why are you not Mom?! - (Coughs) - Diane was right.
I was never going to be Dr.
Mom.
If I was going to succeed, I had to do this my own way.
I had to be Dr.
Dre! You be illin'.
Illin'.
What you tell that kid? You be illin' Illin' You be illin' Illin' You be illin' Illin' Man, what you drop in this beat? Talkin' 'bout my moms? Talkin' 'bout my moms? - Hey, Rainbow? - Mm.
- Rainbow.
- Mm.
What do you think about this picture for my obituary? You need to use a recent photo, Ruby.
But this is just from three years ago.
It is not from three years ago.
- (Chuckles) - Yeah.
It's a lifetime ago.
Another chapter.
When I lived in New York.
- You lived in New York? - Mm.
- What did you do there? - I sang a little, nightclubs.
Mostly backup.
- You sang backup? - Mm-hmm.
- For who? - Midler.
- Bette Midler? - Yeah.
You sang for Bette Midler? - (Laughs) Yeah.
- Shut up, Ruby.
Beth and I had a good run.
Oh, my God.
That's amazing.
Why do you never talk about it? - A long time ago.
- Huh.
Yeah, I just kind of filed it away 'cause things went a little off between me and Beth.
Do you think it was that you called her Beth? Well, it's not "not" because of that.
So, while Bow and Ruby were finding their groove, I was finding mine with the kids.
Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots Everybody! Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots Everybody! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Da da da da Da-da da-da da-da-da Da da da da Da-da da-da da-da-da Okay.
So, we're doing this "Wolf of Wall Street" style.
What are you, an idiot? This goes inside the orange juice.
Oh.
- That's cool, too.
- I can't believe you're actually in a Bette Midler movie.
You know, nowadays, with all the advances in cardiac anti-rejection drugs, the Barbara Hershey character never would have died.
How you know about all that? You know, there was a chapter of my life when I went to med school to become a doctor.
Good for you for chasing your dreams.
You know, I I actually did it.
I I might have given up my dreams too soon.
Oh, don't say that, Ruby.
Come on.
You started a family.
You had too much going on to be a backup singer for Bette Midler.
I wonder what our next chapter's gonna be.
Guys! It is chicken soup time! Um, that did not go great for you last time, Dad.
Yeah.
Why would you undo all the good that you've done? - Don't "Phantom Menace" yourself.
- Not gonna happen, because this little bit of magic right here I call fried-chicken soup.
- This is awesome.
- Mm-hmm.
How has no one had this idea before? I have ideas other haven't.
And they're brilliant.
Actually, it's quite common in Japan, where it is known Have you ever been to Japan? Neither have I.
They're my ideas.
I still don't feel good, Daddy.
Come here, baby.
What's wrong? Oh, your nose? Let me get that for you.
- Let me get that for my baby.
- Hey, guys.
Oh, my God.
- This is amazing.
- Mm-hmm.
- Dad made it.
- Mm-hmm.
(Sighs) Wow.
They actually said they wanted Dre, so I say, "Do your thing, buddy.
" Wow.
Really? - Mm-hmm.
- My Dre? - My Dre.
- Earl never did any of that.
You know what? Now we have time for a whole Bette Midler marathon.
Okay.
But we're not watching that "Hocus Pocus.
" - That's some devil (bleep) right there.
- Fair enough.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
- Damn it, not again! - What? Rainbow, what is wrong with you?! - I haven't thrown up in 36 hours! - (Toilet flushes) Of course, I haven't eaten any of your cooking for 36 hours.
(Chuckles) We were doing so good.
I now see that I may be the root of our problems.
(Sighs) - Hey.
- Hey.
- You okay? Can I get you anything? - Yeah, I'm good.
I'm totally good.
Hey.
- Kids are doing really good.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I think they're getting better, too.
What can I say? I have healing hands.
(Laughing) Oh, my God.
- Calm down, Healing Hands.
- No.
No, for real.
I think I now know what it feels like to be a doctor.
And it's not as hard as you make it out to be.
Seriously, babe, I really like doing those things for them.
I can't believe I missed out on it all those years.
You know, I was talking to your mom - about chapters in our lives.
- Mm-hmm.
And if you feel like you missed something, there's always a new chapter.
- You think I could be a doctor? - No.
Absolutely not, Dre.
- Wha - No.
We're pregnant.
(Chuckles) - Oh, my God.
- Yes.
Babe, when did you even think that you I was just I was throwing up so much, it was just weird.
I mean, I'm sick, but it's It's morning sickness.
Oh, baby.
Baby, baby, I love you.
- No, no.
Baby, I'm sick.
Stop.
- No, I don't care.
Give it to me.
- I'm still sick.
I'm still sick.
- No, no.
(Kids laughing) - Gotcha! - Got you! Getting you with hugs! Getting you with hugs! Come here, babe.
Come here.
(Laughing) Am I too old to be pregnant? No.
I've got to find the right words, because this is a big moment.
Little, tiny baby, I love you with all my heart.
- Dre, enough.
- No.
I'm not done.
This is important.
I just want you to remember my voice.
Okay.
I cannot believe that you are having me stand here while you say goodbye to your car.
- Her name is Yolanda, Bow.
- All right.
Okay.
All right? And she can hear you.
Yo-yo, play our song.
(Rae Sremmurd's "Unlock the Swag" plays) Oh, God.
Unlock, the swag, the swag, unlock Dre, you are just getting a bigger car - to fit our new baby.
- Hold on! This is our part.
Unlock, the swag, the swag, unlock - Unlock, the swag, the swag - I promise I will try and get rid of him before you get here.