Happily Divorced (2011) s02e23 Episode Script

Happily Divorced is shot before a live audience and based on what actually happened to me.
Oh, Esther, I don't know why I bother taking you to the dog park.
I mean, with all those sexy German Shepherds and golden retrievers, you're sniffing around the French poodle.
Like mother, like daughter.
Ah, neighbor, a moment, please.
Um, I couldn't help noticing but you dumping a bag of your doggie doo in one of my rubbish bins.
You know, we call them garbage cans here, Shakespeare.
The garbage was picked up this morning, which means that her little parcels of poo will be baking in my bin for a week.
You know what the ironic thing about all this is? I don't give a crap.
You know, for someone who built their flower shop on my property, I think you'd want to stay on my good side.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Would a latte help make up for it? Oh.
Well, that's a start.
Well, there's seven Starbucks between here and Larchmont.
Why don't you add it to the 40 grand I owe you? Why aren't you leaving? What what's the matter? Are you choking? Oh, my God.
Come here.
I got this.
Very good in an emergency.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
Whoo.
Yeah, wow.
Are you okay? Yeah, yeah.
Was that as good for you as it was for me? So even after a near-death experience, you still go straight to sex? Uh, yeah.
Pretty much.
I just saved your life.
Of course you did.
And you're my hero.
This calls for a celebration.
Okay.
I'm going to go out and drink lots of booze and have sex.
She was certain that he was her one and only But their union always seemed a little forced She got married anyway Turns out that he was gay They're still in love But now she's Happily Divorced Oh, hi, sweetie.
Hey, Fran.
What is going on? Cesar just texted me that "Neil almost choked to death, and Fran saved his life"? How does that man know everything that's going on in this house? He says he doesn't.
It was nothing, really, that anybody else wouldn't have done.
Yeah.
What? Oh, my goodness.
I can't say that.
That's horrible.
- But you want to say it.
- Very badly.
So say it.
If Neil had died, we would not owe him any money.
Oh, my God, I can't believe I just said that.
I'm so ashamed.
That is terrible.
Where were you five minutes ago? Now you've got me doing it.
- It's awful.
- It is.
Of course it is.
It is.
- It's awful.
But since Neil does owe you his life, I mean, there may be a way we could use that to our advantage.
Invite him over to dinner.
Well, Peter, what are the odds that he's going to choke again? I didn't mean invite him over to watch him choke and die, Fran.
Well, neither did I, neither did I.
What I meant was, you know, take advantage of the fuzzy feelings he has towards you.
Invite him over to dinner, we'll schmooze him, we'll drop subtle hints about if it weren't for Fran, well He'd be getting laid to rest instead of getting laid.
Exactly.
I'll make a nice chicken a I'orange.
We'll laugh at all of his jokes.
You'll wear your sexy push-up bra.
Yeah, well, these girls are pushing 48, so make sure the booze keeps flowing.
No.
Do not let me drink.
If I have too much wine, I could blow it.
That'll be plan "B.
" You know, Neil, I don't know why we waited so long to do this.
I know.
Why does it always take a special occasion, like a wedding or a birthday or somebody practically dropping dead to bring people together? So tell me, are you a leg or a breast man? You know, I feel like I should be doing something nice for you.
I mean, after all, you did save my life.
You know, I completely forgot about that.
You know, Neil, not many people have shared what you and Fran shared yesterday.
You two have a very special bond.
We do.
And I don't want you to feel like you owe me anything just because I saved your life.
Your words, not mine.
Well, all I can say is, Fran, thank God you were there yesterday.
Neil, I wouldn't take a cent.
Not a penny.
You cannot put a price on a man's life.
This guy.
Interesting question, though.
I mean, if you were to put a price on a guy's life, uh, what might that be? Well, when you first came out, I did look into seeing what I might get from your life insurance if someone accidentally put cyanide in your nasal spray.
And just out of curiosity, what was that amount? You know, I think that it was somewhere between $30,000 and $50,000.
- Right in the middle of there.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Yeah, right in there.
I have another question for you both.
Yeah? Do you think I was born yesterday? - Yesterday? - No.
What are you, 25? No, you have the physique of a 22-year-old.
Oh, please, just stop it.
You two are the worst actors I've ever seen.
I mean, one of you is worse than the other.
My God, how did you stay hidden in the closet for 18 years? You know, you.
You, you've really surprised me.
I thought you asked me here because you wanted to be friends.
I actually thought you were nice.
Well, we are nice.
I don't know what happened.
I mean, our intentions were good.
How? Well, good for us.
Oh, Neil, please don't go.
Let's start over.
Peter made a delicious dessert.
Please stay.
Why, so you can figure out another way to extort $40,000 out of me? What's next? Sexual favors from you, Fran? Or So I'm not a terrible person, Cesar, am I? - You saved the man's life.
- Right? And then you invited him to dinner under the false pretense of friendship and tried to roll him for money like a cheap Vegas hooker.
Well, when you shine a spotlight on it.
I was just trying to get the flower shop returned to its rightful owner.
Who, bank of America? Knock, knock.
Can I come in? Sure.
You own the joint.
Well, you'll be happy to know that, despite your appalling behavior last night, the truth is, I do owe you for saving my life.
So then, you understand that it was Peter that made me do what I did last night? Yes.
That's why I want to give you this.
Oh, well, what is it? A gift card from Applebee's.
It's the lien on your house.
Consider your debt paid.
Are you kidding me? For real? Now, wait, just to be clear, we don't owe you anything? Not a penny.
And no Applebee's? Oh, I'm sorry.
If you'd rather have the gift card No, no.
This is great.
Thank you so much, Neil.
Thank you.
- Aw, it's okay.
- Oh.
That was rather nice.
Yes, and it was It was so nice of you to come by and do this, Neil.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.
Why are you looking at me, Neil? Neil, you know, Cesar's not here.
You are going to have to pick all of that up.
What are you doing, Neil? Exactly what you want me to.
But I'm an engaged woman.
Do you want me to stop? Uh I'll take that as a "no.
" - Oh.
Oh.
- Fran, Fran! Fran! - Oh.
- Oh, Peter.
Peter, you wouldn't believe this dream I just had.
- I know.
- I heard.
"I want you so bad"? "Being this close to you every day is torture"? Oh, Peter.
Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry.
If I could change, I would.
So did you two honestly think that Neil was going to let you out of a $40,000 debt just for squeezing a nut out of him? Actually, we never got to plan "B.
" Fran, what's wrong with you? Why are you so quiet? I had a weird dream yesterday.
Judi, Franny was dreaming about me last night.
She can't get me out of her head.
No, Peter, I can't get you out of my house.
Judi, who is the last person that you think I would ever have a sex dream about? Hitler.
Dick Cheney, Larry King, Rodney King, Rodney Dangerfield.
Neil.
I had a sex dream about Neil.
Seriously? This is your problem? If I knew I was going to have a sex dream about that fine man, I'd be popping ambien all day.
Judi, it's not right.
I'm an engaged woman.
Why am I dreaming about him? Oh, what's the big deal? Are you trying to tell me, in all the years we were married, you never had a dream about another man? No, Peter, I did not.
Did you? Look, Franny, dreams are crazy-ass stuff.
Remember that dream I had about Denzel, and we took all our clothes off, but we were like Barbie and Ken down there? What's your point, Judi? At least your guy had parts.
It was just a stupid little sex dream.
Everybody has them.
Oh, please, I've been having sex dreams about Neil since he moved in.
You don't see me complaining.
Maybe I am overreacting.
Hey, Cesar.
Do you ever have sex dreams about women other than your wife? Did Teresa put you up to this? No.
Oh, well, then sure.
All the time.
Britney Spears, Sofia Vergara, Salma Hayek, Alec Baldwin.
Oh, what am I saying? Billy Baldwin, the cute one.
- Good morning, Ms.
Fran.
- Morning.
So, uh, did Mr.
Sandman bring you a little something-something last night? No, thank God.
My slumber was very uneventful.
I had some warm milk and a lunesta chaser, and it was lights out.
Well, I'm glad things are getting back to normal because it's going to be very busy today.
Why, what's today? Are you kidding me? You have 400 centerpieces to make for J.
Lo's wedding.
Oh, no.
This is a dream.
I'm back.
Oh, here we go.
Neil, what are you doing here? It's your dream.
You tell me.
Just go.
If you meant that, then I'd already be gone.
No, that's not the way it works, Neil.
I can't make anything happen just because I want it to happen.
Honey, the van is here.
I'm finally moving out forever.
So I really do want you here.
This is what I'm saying, Bubbeleh.
You're Jewish too? It's your dream, Fran.
Now, hurry up.
I have surgery at 3:00.
Oy, a surgeon? Son of a bitch.
Neil, leave me alone.
I told you in the last dream, I'm an engaged woman.
Whose fiance abandoned her and flew to London.
That's no excuse to have another man touch me Is it? Oh, wake up.
Wake up, wake up.
You don't want to because a woman like you has needs.
Which, obviously, you can fill.
Neil Oh, God.
I mean, if it was just one dream, ma, that, I could ignore.
But every night, pinning me to the table of my flower shop I mean, imagine.
His kisses all over my neck, and and his hands all over my body, and his big, hairy chest on top of me.
Sounds like a nightmare.
I'm exhausted.
I gotta have another cup of coffee.
Darling, you've already had three cups.
Ma, I can't go to sleep.
That's when Neil comes.
Fran, you're engaged.
Don't tell me you're attracted to that guy.
No, I can't even stand him.
But I'll tell you, my subconscious is such a little ho.
Dori, check out my hair.
I'm like a silver fox.
Peter gave me his suave keratin infusion dry shampoo.
Glen, your daughter is a mess.
Well, one spritz of this will extend your blowout and revive your volume.
Daddy, I'm having sex dreams about the neighbor.
Does he have oily hair? Wait a second, darling.
I got an excellent book on dream interpretation - at the car wash.
- Oh.
What do you need a book for? Sex dreams are about sex.
Your fiance is half a world away.
So if you can't be with the one you love, schtup the one you're with.
Look, when your father was in Vietnam, I had a recurring dream that I was doing the super in the service elevator.
She did, and I had a dream about a local call girl named Lilly May.
Oh, I get what you're saying.
But they were just dreams.
Nothing happened in real life.
- Right.
- Yeah.
But, mom, what if it wasn't a sex dream? What if it went deeper than that? What if I'm really doubting my relationship with Elliot? Bite your tongue.
Let's see what the book says.
Okay.
It says, "how do you feel when you wake up from the dream?" Guilty.
Very guilty.
Aha! The dream is about guilt.
How much did you pay for that book? It was free with a carnauba wax.
"Dreams are a way the mind processes events of the day.
" Right.
So what was the last thing that happened to you and this, uh, Neil? I heimliched him, and then Peter and I tried to shake him down for 40 grand.
What, were you raised by wolves? No, newmans.
It was a horrible thing to do.
Yes, it was, and that's why you're having all these dreams.
You need to go home and tell him you're sorry.
That'll relieve your guilt, and then, you'll have nothing to dream about.
Apologize for trying to screw him, then he'll stop screwing you.
So according to the book, I have to go and apologize to Neil because the reason why I'm dreaming about him is because I feel guilty that I tried to wrong him, and now, I have to right him.
- Mm! - Mm, mm, mm.
I would love to ride "Right," not Not "ride," Judi.
"Right" him.
Oh.
Okay, well, just out of curiosity, when you do have these sex dreams about Neil, did you get to see, you know, the whole package? Judi.
All right, all right, all right.
Look.
I'm going to start by drawing a line, and you just tell me when to stop.
May I suggest a legal pad? Oh, my God.
Don't worry, I didn't hear anything that I haven't heard before.
Oh, please, let this be a dream too.
Hey, look what finally came My new rubber stamp with our home address on it.
This thing will last ten years.
Oh, crap.
Hey, Judi, if you want a ride to the bar, - I'm leaving now.
- What's the rush? Well, Chris is already there.
I don't need a bunch of 22-year-olds circling my boyfriend.
You know how hot a guy looks in uniform.
He's a stewardess, Peter.
All right, I'm going to go.
I'm going to leave you alone with Neil.
Or I can stay, and we could do a three-way apology.
Bye, Judi.
Hello.
All right, you can wipe that wink off your face.
The only reason why you were in my dreams was because I felt really bad that I tried to con you into giving me back my flower shop.
And I'm very, very sorry.
Apology accepted.
Now, what was I wearing in your dream? Was I a gladiator? Or washing my car, shirtless? Ugh, that's disgusting.
You were a plastic surgeon.
Ah.
And the only reason why you were in my dreams was because I felt guilty, not because I'm attracted to you.
Oh, careful, now, because you're going to feel guilty about lying to me, and you know where that leads.
How about to the door? Okay, look, just, um Just one more question.
Yes? In all those dreams you had, did you never once wonder what I'd be like in real life? No, because I'm not the least bit attracted Sweet dreams.