Kung Fu s02e23 Episode Script

Following are scenes from last week's episode, "Cenotaph Part 1.
" I heard your scream but a moment ago and I came as fast as I could.
Then you must have encountered Kai Tong.
If so, why did he fail to cut off your head? Who is Kai Tong? The outlaw.
The man who ravished me.
My name is Logan McBurney.
You're a Bigfoot, for sure.
Now, stay out of my way! I'm fixing to catch me "Old Ironsides.
" I intend to borrow it for a day or two.
Did you say Kai Tong the outlaw rode a white horse? Mr.
McBurney, why do you need such a large wagon to carry Mrs.
McBurney to the burial ground? Why? Because she's a big woman.
This lovely lady is Mei Lee Ho, of my village in the north soon to be my wife.
I am Mei Lee Ho of the imperial court concubine to his imperial majesty.
I had hoped you would not shame yourself and me with that intelligence.
You are the only source of shame in my life, Kai Tong.
Kwai Chang I love you.
A token, which you must carry.
I will do what I can to marry you and Anna.
You hear that, Anna? We're gonna get hitched in Chinese! He has tracked us.
Mei Lee, can you swim? No, but I have been meaning to learn.
I do.
Say, "I do," Anna so the reverend can hear you.
She says, "I do.
" You heard her? It is enough that you heard.
I did.
And I do.
Then she is your wife and you are her husband.
No.
That's not the way.
What the hell kind of a Christian are you, anyway? That ain't what you're supposed to say.
You're supposed to say: "I now pronounce you man and wife.
" I now pronounce you man and wife.
You hear that, Anna? He finally got it, the Chinese Sasquatch.
- You heard him, Anna? - Why do you not open the box? Because she has scarlet fever.
That's God's truth.
Ain't it, Anna? Anna, you hear me? Anna, you gonna answer me, now! I didn't want to tell you about that.
I knew they'd be joining us sooner or later.
Yeah, that's good, Lame Dog.
What does he say? Just that he's gonna kill me.
Does he give you a reason? Cor! If you ain't got the luck of the Irish.
He's gonna kill me.
He's only gonna cut both of your hands off.
She's one of your own people: Full-blooded Oglala! First cousin to Chief Crazy what's-his-name.
Horse.
Chief Crazy Horse! Hey, all I'm asking is you let me bury her among her own people! Yeah.
That's right.
I want you to bury her.
Bury her here! Yeah, sure.
Sure, yeah.
Only, I ought to tell you she died of scarlet fever.
Strawberry tongue! A man's got a right to bury his own wife! You can't deny him that! I've got them to listen to reason, Caine.
What did he say? He's going to let us bury Anna.
If they weren't, they would have shot me dead on the spot.
Anna is dead? Well, if she isn't, it ain't none of their business, is it? You hear me, Anna? Hey, Anna? Good news, Mrs.
McBurney! You're gonna be buried among the holy mountains! You hear? Of course I'll wait till you're dead! What kind of a man do you think I am? Here comes Lame Dog.
He's going to let us go ahead! Yes.
Yeah.
He says they've been arguing about how to make amends for acting like savages.
They've come up with a fine place for burying Anna in.
And what of you and me? All is forgiven, for the most part.
For the most part? They say they've changed their minds about killing us.
They're gonna let us go.
Don't look a gift horse in the gullet, do you? Devil take the hindmost, let the dead bury their dead! Quick step! You mean to tell me that that treasure coach just disappeared into thin air 24 hours ago? I don't have to tell you two anything.
You're civilians.
You've got nothing to do with this affair.
Now, don't you go getting uppity, Bissell.
We done told you about that Chinaman we run into yesterday morning.
- Mr.
Bissell? - What is it? I don't find nothing on this Fort Federman manifest - that covers that cannon.
- What cannon? The one on the back platform in the busted box.
It's addressed to the ordnance officer - but I'll be danged- - You don't shut up, boy, I'll dang you! Now, none of that! None of that! Now, look here, Bissell, you hold it.
We told you everything that that Chinaman told us.
About McBurney and the big box with his woman in it.
The whole shoot and bang.
What have you told us? Why, nothing! We have a right to know.
Us almost being run over and abused by McBurney and that treasure coach.
Are you sure that you two aren't after that gold? That's- That's an outright lie.
How about this, Mr.
Bissell? A.
45 needle gun, lever action? No, Shattrow, that's a rifle! Whipple.
Whipple.
Whipple, if he butts in again, stomp him.
Now, just a minute here.
I'm armed.
- Mr.
Bissell! - Yeah? We have the word that that there coach has been seen on the Sioux reservation.
This here McBurney told the Reverend Stekel at the mission over there that he wanted to marry a dead woman.
Get this message out to all stations: "Recall search parties.
" Captain Goodnight's taken a patrol into Indian country out of Fort Robinson.
Come on.
He's the law.
Mr.
Bissell! A Gatling gun? .
50 caliber, Yes, Shattrow, that's it! Gatling gun! Now, sheriff, Old Ironsides is out there Whipple, you know what I done during the war? Deserted.
- Before that.
- Well, how do I know? I ran ammunition for a Gatling gun.
Where was you headed when I saved you on that creek first time you run onto me? North.
What was up north you wanted to reach? No particular thing.
Mr.
McBurney I know how it must seem to you.
I find it hard to explain.
I strive for no thing.
I strive to reach no place unless you could call the Tao a place.
Where? What place? Tao.
Tao.
Taos? Of course it's a place! Down in New Mexico territory, near Santa Fe.
- Due south of here! - No, Mr.
McBurney.
Yes, that's right.
You're looking for Taos and you're headed due opposite to it! The Tao I seek is not in New Mexico.
Or it is in New Mexico.
- It is here.
It is everywhere.
- There you go.
You see, you cannot tell me that Taos ain't in New Mexico.
I ought to take you down there and rub your fool nose in it.
It is not Taos.
It is Tao.
There is no in it.
There you go, see? I tried to do you a good turn and what do I get? Backbiting and sly remarks.
Well, that does it, Sasquatch.
You're on your own! I've done all I can to bring you this far safe and sound.
The cord is cut.
What is "the cord"? Imbecilical cord.
I'll go my way.
You go yours.
If you can find one.
My way is the Tao, and I can find it again.
Couldn't find your own hind end with both your hands and a farkleberry bush! I do not know what kind of bush that is, but I can take care of myself.
That's what you think, Sasquatch.
I lied to you back there.
Lame Dog's gonna kill me and carve you as soon as we've buried Anna.
What do you think of that, huh? I knew you were lying.
I knew.
What are you sitting there for? Why didn't you make a run for it? That would leave you alone against eight of them.
I could not do that after all you have done for me.
That is the spirit I want in my children! That is why I want you to be mother to them.
You would force me to marry you? You seem to enjoy force.
The emperor would never rest until he had your head on a spear! Then to marry you is, in the emperor's eyes a more serious crime than to ravish you.
The emperor does not forbid his concubines to have other alliances.
I feel better about the death of the Shaolin.
How on earth? Well surely he loved you, as you say.
Yes and I loved him.
Deeply.
Passionately.
But not enough to defy the wrath of the emperor.
Enough to defy the wrath of heaven itself! I'm ordering you to form a civilian posse.
- Captain? - Yes, yes.
- The Gatling gun is gone.
- Gone? Heisted.
Stolen.
Along with the buckboard we were gonna put it on.
- Who? - Buskirk and Whipple.
They disappeared about the same time as the gun.
Now what would they want with a Gatling gun? Well, you know those two, they're after the gold.
- No, it couldn't be.
- Why couldn't it, sheriff? Well, Buskirk and Whipple ain't no bears for brains.
But even they know better than to traipse around the Sioux nation with a Gatling gun and 5000 rounds of ammunition.
That's the only way to go, if you ask me.
No.
No.
Now, I'm with the sheriff, Captain Goodnight.
Buskirk, he's bad belly, and he's a gulch popper for sure but he ain't no Indian lover.
I never said he was.
But I take it he has nothing against gold bullion, does he? - No.
- There were tracks of a buckboard right behind your treasure wagon.
Does that tell you anything, Mr.
Bloom? He's gonna use that Gatling gun to snatch the gold.
Well, it sure looks like it.
Unless we get there first.
All right, raise your right hands, all of you.
You're deputized.
It's a chance to catch them all in one fell swoop.
I haven't been to a mass hanging in more years than I remember.
All right, saddle up! - Whoa.
- Sheriff, if we're lucky and the Sioux don't catch them first we'll have one now.
Mr.
McBurney it is not always easy to follow your conversation.
Anna is dead? I hope so, boy.
As soon as I've buried her next to her mother in her own ground I'll be a free man again.
I do not understand.
Chugwater station Wyoming territory, summer of 1866.
A man offers me $50 to do a hanging for the vigilance committee.
Murderer.
So I do the hanging.
I bring him in all trussed up black hood in place.
Somebody even holds my coat while I pull the lever.
I pulled it by accident because I'd been drinking, boy.
I staggered against him on the way down.
Pulled the black hood off.
Saw it was a woman.
Saw it was Anna.
Reverend Stekel buried her like he said but when I got back to my cabin, they was dynamiting uphill.
There Anna was, to give me a cold little smile and I said that I'd love her as long as she lived.
She lived for seven more years.
He knew you wanted to marry him.
In an instant.
Yet he did not ask you to do so.
You did not leave him time to ask.
Perhaps.
Or else, being a prudent man, the Shaolin decided as opposed to marriage with you, the fire was less likely to be fatal.
And as opposed to demeaning himself by fighting with you the fire was the far more endurable pain.
Would to heaven he were alive, that I might challenge him to a trial by combat for personal honor.
And for the dubious honor of your hand in marriage.
You mock the dead, coward! I challenge heaven and hell! I accept the challenge, Kai Tong.
They ain't going much further with that, Whipple.
Them horses are just about played out.
I knowed they was gonna stick with that treasure coach.
And why? Because they're too dang dumb to get something light and fast.
Let's get the gun ready.
It's gonna take six barrels.
We ain't gonna draw down on them Sioux, Buskirk, are we? Well, what did you have in mind, Whipple? A treaty? No, no, no.
I don't know, Buskirk.
I mean, we start killing Sioux around here we're gonna be hips deep in them in all directions.
That's just fine with me and my friend, Mr.
Gatling.
Stack them up like cordwood from here to the Little Bighorn.
Just keep on turning the crank, Whipple.
That's all.
Sweetest little old dead Indian machine you ever see.
So, Shaolin you can walk through walls of stone walls of flame.
Now I see you can fly.
Kai Tong, if you will only come with me to the nearest barrack of police, this fight need not take place.
You know my answer.
Then it must also be mine but with one difference: A Shaolin priest does not fight to the death unless there is no other way.
Leave us! You think I am so unworthy an opponent? Wrong spot, Lame Doggy! Little further on! See, Lame Dog is full of wisdom! And bighorn sheep dip.
Why can we not dig here? It's all right for digging.
But there's a time to dig and a time to run.
Look at this.
There's no cover here.
Not enough to swat at a nit on our necks.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Right.
We'll start digging here, yeah.
Before she starts popping through the lid for another seven years.
You please me, Shaolin.
Not many have stayed this long.
Yes, I have been fortunate.
He's trying to distract you, Kwai Chang.
He's not to be trusted.
Yes, Mei Lee Ho but trust me to win and to rejoice in killing you, little priest.
Hurry, Caine! We still gotta get Anna off that coach before we're finished! What's your hurry, Caine? I want to make this last till nightfall so both of us can walk away intact.
Mr.
McBurney your plan to work until dark has merit.
But I believe by then we will be dead anyway.
Well, give it a chance, Caine.
It's the only one we got.
Besides, we still got to get Anna down off that coach.
Between the two of us, that ought to take two or three hours at least.
Between the two of us? Mr.
McBurney, it is I who have been doing the digging, while you- Hey, hey, there! Hands off that box! Man's got a right to bury his own wife! Looks like we're in trouble, Caine.
They're gonna get the box down for us.
That means they get to scrag us that much sooner.
How are you on funeral services? I am hurt.
I am sorry.
Do you yield? No! To the death, Shaolin.
But not to death by starvation.
Will you join me? I am not hungry.
Buskirk, there ain't no use in me telling you what's going on now.
You best come over here, see for yourself.
Buskirk! That McBurney's got them Sioux into a tug of war with one another.
And they got either side of that coffin, pulling away.
And he ain't budged it a dadgum inch.
No! No! Whipple! Whipple, come here! She's ready to load! Hand me that magazine.
You are wearing me down, Kwai Chang.
I have never seen such movements as these.
Such grace, speed.
I would give all that I am to be a Shaolin.
I speak in praise of you.
You have nothing to say for me? You You are to be praised for not having destroyed yourself utterly long before this.
Kai Tong you have no talent for personal combat whatsoever.
To die well, one must live well.
Your life cries out to be lived so you shout well.
Oh, I'm glad I seen it with my own two eyes.
Ain't nobody, drunk or sober, could tell me what I see going on is going on.
Come on, Whipple.
This thing's ready to go.
That ain't the third horse soldiers! That's Whipple and Buskirk! The Indians have the gun machine.
We gotta get to Old Ironsides before Lame Dog finds the handle of that Gatling gun, or we'll both be caught.
Come on, now.
- You will leave Anna unburied? - She'll never notice.
All right, arrest all of them! That gun's stolen property.
All right, McBurney.
Peace officers.
You're under arrest.
All right, captain you got your gold, and you got your gun.
You satisfied? Just one more thing.
I want that box opened right here and now.
Kwai Chang! Either kill me or have a glass of wine with me.
I must rest a few moments or for all eternity.
I await your decision.
Do not dishonor me, Shaolin.
I do not want your mercy.
If not with your weapons, then with your hands.
Do you withdraw? No.
Shaolin do not dishonor me.
It is done, Kai Tong.
You admit to your defeat? Can a dead man speak? You're not dead.
Then I am not yet defeated.
This is to the death.
Kwai Chang never agreed to be your executioner.
You see, Shaolin how she speaks for you? Before you reach the imperial court you will not have to say a word.
You will not get a chance to say a word.
You thought to win a famous victory.
Good.
You have also won a famous witch.
I salute you upon the occasion of your impending emasculation.
He insults me and you do nothing! You hear it, Kwai Chang? This is the first of a thousand calls to defend her alleged honor.
You have heard that I killed 300 men.
Well, 299 of them insulted Mei Lee.
He lies.
You lie, Mei Lee Ho.
Why do you want to destroy this splendid priest? You do not love him.
And after his lust for you has cooled and he sees that he does not love you you will punish him for this.
You will strip him of his priesthood and his pride.
I have heard enough, Kai Tong.
I will leave you, then.
Mei Lee Ho knows I speak the truth.
Come back when she has finished with you whatever your disgrace and I will tell you what a beautiful and valiant warrior you once were.
What a man you might have been if Mei Lee Ho the great concubine of the north had not decided to test herself against a Shaolin.
I'm gonna see what's in there before we bury it.
- I told you what was in it.
- Now, wait a minute! You told us it was a woman that you hanged seven years ago and you told us it wasn't.
Sheriff, will you keep out of this? It's my province, not yours.
It's my province if he murdered the woman! Murdered? I hanged her! Now we're getting somewhere.
Seven years ago.
- Her remains are in that box.
- You mean you robbed her grave? - No.
- That's a crime, you know.
Sheriff, have you got a grave that's been robbed? - No, but he robbed the gold! - The gold is in there.
I never robbed no gold! I borrowed a wagon to bring a box.
Which is not gonna be opened! It's got to be opened! I can't allow things to be buried that I can't account for or identify.
But this is the Indians' land, not yours.
And the Indians have given their permission.
Now, you wait a minute.
I'm in charge here, not Lame Dog.
Well, whatever you say.
Of course, you open that coffin box, old Lame Dog is going on the warpath.
Don't want us befouling no holy Sioux boneyard.
Lame Dog? Who the heck does he think he is saying she'd fouled his bones? Sheriff, open the box.
No.
Mr.
McBurney, do not worry.
If you do not wish it, no one will open the box.
Let them open the box.
Well, wait a minute.
I'll do it myself! I'd not risk a chance to foul Lame Dog! Yeah.
Here it come.
Hush up, Anna! They don't mean no harm.
You got to be warned.
Once you look at Anna no woman will ever look the same to you.
I just want you to know the risk you're taking.
Get on with it, McBurney.
No, it's better this way, Anna.
Man has got no right to keep all this to hisself.
I should have knowed better.
McBurney! Hold your horses.
I'm sorry, Anna.
Caine was right.
They had no business looking at you.
I never should have let them see.
Mei Lee, I know Kai Tong insulted you.
But I could not bring myself to hurt him any more.
Perhaps you believe what he had to say.
No.
Of course you did, Kwai Chang.
Do not patronize me.
Do not pretend you are truly in love with me and I will stop pretending with you.
You do not love me - as you said? - Kwai Chang, you silly little monk.
What would I be doing falling in love with you? What could you give me but sore feet and babies? You lied to me? Is that what I am to believe? Believe what you like.
Are you really such an innocent that you thought I would leave the imperial court for you? If you are I have done you the injury of overestimating your intelligence.
You will not come with me? You will go back to the imperial court? I am the emperor's favorite.
Would you deny your emperor the consolations of which you know I'm capable? Mei Lee Kai Tong.
Kai Tong's right.
I am a woman of stone.
I would destroy you for the pleasure of it.
Now, go.
I'm tired of you.
The token you gave me.
Look at it closely.
There is a flaw in the heart of the stone.
Keep it.
Keep it in memory of me.
Goodbye foolish priest.
Now, being a Sasquatch priest maybe you'd say a few words.
Or something.
Something mysteriously formed before heaven and earth silence and the void standing alone and unchanging ever present and in motion.
Perhaps it is the mother of 10,000 things.
I do not know its name.
I call it Tao.
For lack of a better word I call it great.
For lack of a better name we call her Anna.
Hey, there! Sasquatch! I got something for you.
It's a reward.
For Whipple and Buskirk.
They give me $ 15 on account.
Now, you get a full half of the $9 I got left.
I cannot accept reward money, Mr.
McBurney.
You're making me feel bad, boy.
I had my reward in the burial of Anna White Eagle.
Yeah.
I seen you put something on her grave your Chinese hex.
To put her to rest for sure and at last.
To put her to rest, for sure and at last.
You ain't talking about Anna.
No.
Whatever.
Couldn't have done it without you.
I've been looking for a man like you, for a partner.
Yeah, I'm heading south.
Which way are you headed? North.
After all I've done for you? After all I've done for you.