Mad About You s02e23 Episode Script

Who sings this? What am I, the expert in country music? Ask this guy.
Because he has a hat, he's gonna know? Ask him.
Excuse me.
You happen to know who sings this? - Excuse me? - Do you know who's singing this song? - It's Garth Brooks.
- Garth what? - Garth Brooks.
- Garth Brooks.
He doesn't know.
Shall we open a bottle of champagne? - For what? - To celebrate.
- I lost.
- I know, but we won a door prize.
What a splendid door prize it is.
A professional tea brewer.
Professional tea? What is that? Tea that gets paid for being tea? Look at this: "Used by real Englishmen.
" How do I lose to a film like that? The Trouble With Barnacles.
It's all political.
I do a film about the first Iraqi-born janitor to ever work in the Pentagon.
A man who sweeps up after the Joint Chiefs.
Think about what he sees.
All I need's one hour to review this, then you can complain all you want.
- All right.
Fair enough.
What a hack! To call that a film I have to ask you to stop.
I have to review this.
- Want some coffee? - No, thank you.
- It'll help you stay up.
- I don't wanna stay up.
I wanna review this, listen to you complain, and go to bed.
- It's all right, I'm done complaining.
- Okey-dokey.
A film about national security, they don't care about that but barnacles, that's fascinating.
That's an important film.
They should give that guy something special.
- You want a cup of tea? - I'll use my professional brewer.
- Good idea.
- Sure.
- Paris peace talks, the guy's name - Le Duc Tho.
- That's right.
How do you know this? - Our parents played bridge together.
The Buchmans and the Duc Thos, yes.
All right, what have we got? Tea.
All sorts of tea.
What do we got? Apple Apricot.
Apricot Apple.
Soothing Sunrise.
Kiss-Today-Goodbye Mint.
Hooray for Lemons.
Here we go, here we go.
Are you kidding? We haven't kept Milk-Bones there for a year.
You are so behind in your food movements.
For an animal, you have very little sense of your surroundings.
Murray! Want to go play? I'll give you a snack and let you eat it right off the table.
You're no fun.
How long are we gonna be doing this? - Are you awake? - Yes, I'm awake.
- I can't sleep.
- Sure you can.
I've seen you do it.
I keep thinking about my test.
Questions keep popping into my head.
- Answer the questions, and let me sleep.
- Tell me a story.
Tell you a story? What are you, 6? Please.
Listening to one of your stories will help me sleep.
- Is that gonna help me feel good? - I mean, because you soothe me.
I see.
All right.
- Comfortable? - Yes.
- Once upon a time - Not that kind of story.
- What did you just say? - I mean, a story about you.
Even better.
Did I ever tell you about the time I was in film school and I had an idea for a documentary about the garment district? - A Day in the Life of a Button? - That's right.
That's the one.
Everybody said: "No, can't be done.
No one cares about a view of the world seen through a small piece of plastic.
" But you didn't let that intimidate you.
- Who's telling the story? - I'm sorry.
I made the film and was nominated for my first Silver Sprocket - Which you lost.
- Which I lost.
- Would you like to know why? - Yes, I would.
Because these people are idiots.
They have no vision which is why tonight they give the award to some hack with his cummerbund all upside down, the ridges going up It was pathetic to watch him standing there.
- Am I boring you? - Not enough.
- All right, I'll make you a cup of tea.
- You've already made me four.
It's the fifth that really This is the one.
This will knock you right out.
This is the kind of tea.
I wish we had a lawn.
This is gonna put you out.
You'll be snoring in no time.
No, honey, don't use that one.
It has caffeine in it.
It does? - Oops.
- What did you say? I said "troops.
" They gave it to the troops in the war.
With decaf they couldn't sleep with the shelling This is not decaf! You pumped me full of caffeine? Not on purpose.
"Atomic Zinger.
" Does that sound calming to you? I didn't think it through.
You couldn't give me something that said "slumber" or "sleepy"? - It's tea.
What's the difference? - It's full of caffeine.
- I'm never gonna sleep.
- Forget tea.
We'll watch the crazy guy on channel 38.
- Forget it.
- Ten minutes of him, you're asleep.
The more you try to fall asleep, the more you can't.
It's like the erection thing.
- That happens to everybody.
- What do you do when it happens? - You roll over and go to sleep.
- I can't.
So roll over and try to get an erection.
By morning I'll be crashing like a meteorite.
You're not gonna crash.
My brain will turn to mush.
I'll flunk the test and have to learn it all again.
No, because I'll do everything I can to help you fall asleep.
- You are going to keep me company.
- Even if I have to stay all night up.
And you should.
You're the one that gave me the wrong tea.
How long does it take to break in shoes? A long time, especially if you're sitting.
You know who moved into our building? Gomez Addams.
When did we buy doilies? From The Addams Family.
He moved into the penthouse.
- Raul Julia? - No, the real Gomez.
John Astin.
John Astin does not live in our building.
- Why wouldn't he? - He just doesn't.
That's the basis of your argument? "He just doesn't.
" Why can't you give this to me? It costs you nothing.
- Listen to me, I'm tell - Fine.
He lives in the building.
- You don't believe it.
- What are you doing? Give me your feet, I'm gonna put you to sleep.
Why would I make that up about John Astin? To impress you? This isn't working.
I could dance on a tightrope and twirl plates.
- What? You're carnival people? - I'm the Amazing Awake Lady.
Get me I'm up! You know, when you get a good idea, you get a good idea.
- That was the paper.
- Finish your thought! I want to get the paper before the Hamiltons steal it.
Why do you say the Hamiltons steal it? Every time it isn't here I see rubber bands near the Hamiltons' door.
You have this whole other life I know nothing about.
Let's steal the happy face off the Hamiltons' door.
- Why? - They've had it on for two years.
- It's a happy face.
- "Have a nice day.
" - I don't need the pressure.
- You've snapped.
Please, it'll make me drowsy.
- Oh, God, I think they heard us! - I hope you're proud of yourself.
Honey, what did you do? It's locked.
- It can't be.
I just pushed the button.
- I pushed it.
- Why would you push the button? - To unlock the door.
- You locked the door.
- No, you did! - I was trying to unlock it.
- Well, you did the exact opposite.
Look, it's not really You're up already.
This just fell off your door.
- Great.
Now I'm getting tired.
- Stay up until we get the key.
I'll try.
You're getting sleepy now because you know you can't go to sleep.
- And because you locked the door.
- We discussed this.
You were wrong.
- Mr.
Wicker.
- Hello, Buchmans.
- Where's José? - Aspen.
- The elevator guy's in Aspen? - For two weeks.
Next month Eddie's going to Trenton.
Guess who's gonna play doorman.
Elevator duty at night, roof duty in the morning - What is roof duty? - Don't ask! Everybody wants something from Mr.
Wicker.
- I'm human too, you know.
- I understand.
What can I do for you? How are those slippers we got you? - I love them.
- We need a key.
- You got locked out? - Actually, he We got locked out.
Hop on, I got a spare one in the office.
Bet you're wondering how we locked ourselves out.
My guess is one of you pushed the button and then the other one pushed it.
- Wow! - 33 years, here.
These manually operated elevators have always fascinated me.
I asked to go automatic years ago.
Did they listen? Basement.
Watch the elevator.
I'll be back in a minute.
- I've always wanted to operate one.
- Don't touch it.
It's like a hankering.
I hanker to do it.
- "P.
H.
" Elevator talk for "penthouse.
" - Wait for Wicker.
Did I tell you John Astin moved into the penthouse? The same John Astin that does not live in this building? All right, I'm gonna prove something to you.
What are you doing? - We're going to the penthouse.
- You don't have a license to operate this.
- I'm gonna veer into the wrong lane? - I just want my bed.
Here we go.
Penthouse.
- Hi! Floor, please? - Lobby, thank you.
Lobby it is.
- Where's José? - Aspen.
- The elevator man is in Aspen? - Two weeks.
We're filling in.
- We're big fans of your work.
- My work? - Gomez Addams.
- Touché.
- Tell me that's not him.
- That's not him.
- Why are you being so difficult? - It's him.
- What are you whispering about? - It's his first time operating an elevator.
- You're doing a bang-up job, my man.
- You should see me open the doors.
- We're the Buchmans.
11 -D.
- Glad to meet you.
Come up for dinner sometime.
You eat goose? - Are you kidding? We're fanatics.
- I'll have to alert the wife.
Who was that, Hermione Gingold? - Why would the man lie? - To toy with someone like you.
- You can't give this to me.
- This place gives me the creeps.
What are you scared of? Mr.
Wicker! Yo, Mr.
Wicker! - "Yo"? - I wanna sound bigger, just in case.
You said there's nothing to be scared of.
- Maybe we should go get him.
- You go.
It's creepy.
- I'll go get him.
- Don't leave me here! You want me to go get him and wait here with you? Can't be done.
All right, let's go.
But, listen, if we get murdered, you're in trouble.
- There's no office here.
- Who said there was? - Wicker.
- Show me an office.
- Let's go back to the elevator.
- "No access.
" I can't believe we didn't wait.
Didn't I say, "Let's just wait for him"? - Excuse me.
- I can't believe you locked the door.
- I mean this door.
- I didn't touch it! Wanna know something? I liked that barnacle movie.
I'm sure it's the tea talking now.
Let's walk up to the lobby.
- Eddie will let us in.
- All right.
The barnacle comment, that was just to hurt me? - Yes, it was.
- All right.
- "No access.
" - That's just perfect.
Eddie! Eddie! He's sleeping.
The man opens a door for a living.
How can he be tired? I found the spare, made you a copy, so this wouldn't happen again Buchmans.
Buchmans?! This is how they watch an elevator? When did Ho Chi Minh come to popularity? - That was right after Moo Shu Pork.
- Good! Another locked door.
Loc Door.
Didn't he overthrow Moo Shu Pork? Wanna pass this test or not? I have about as much chance of passing this test as you have of winning a Silver Sprocket.
- Wow, are you punchy! - U Punchy.
Came into power in 1932? Buchmans? The other Buchmans! I guess they'll come home sooner or later, right? I just painted the place! Hey? Want to join the 10-story-high club? You are a huge goofball, you are! - Ooh, sorry! - No, no! Wait! We got a lot of yogurt, we got Chinese food, some egg salad Number two.
Chinese food.
Great.
You look like the kind of guy who doesn't like to eat alone.
Twisted my arm, huh? Look at this.
Somebody's got a lawn.
Buchmans! So glad you could join us! - What are we joining? - We were just sitting down to lunch.
You eat lunch on a roof at 4 in the morning? I'd like you to meet my wife, Waula Lea.
- Waula Lea, these are the Buchmans.
- We certainly are.
You know what you do to me when you speak French.
It drives me wild.
It really does, you know.
- Okay, it's him.
- That's all I'm saying.
- Look at that moon.
- Can't even see it.
Precisely! - Sit down! - We're not really dressed - Although tuxedo shoes! - Perfect.
Tuxedo jackets.
- You bring extra jackets? - Jackets for everyone, I say.
That's my motto.
He's got a motto.
I've got to get a motto.
Sit, sit! This is not a great night for us.
I have this test We were up all night, we were locked out.
Plus, I lost this award.
Fabulous! The night air calls.
- Do you tango, Buchmans? - Not as much as we'd like, no.
Well, grab her, man! No, don't grab me.
- I don't think it's him.
- What? I don't think that's John Astin.
Listen to me.
He's acting exactly like he did on TV.
The real guy wouldn't do that.
This guy is Listen to me.
I can - Buchmans, switch! - Actually It's been a lovely evening, but we really should say au revoir.
You can't fool me.
That's French.
You should see me eat corn! Just settle this.
We've been discussing - You are him, aren't you? - Of course I am! - No, you're not.
- Of course I'm not! - Seriously.
- What do you like? You know what? Now I say you are.
- Then I am.
- Honey, let it go.
Whatever it was, it was nice to meet you.
- Thank you.
- Good night.
- Can you do the flips? - Honey, let them eat.
- What's that? - Can you do the flips? The guy on TV could do back flips.
The flips? Say no more.
All right, it's him.
Hello, Wicker! Good thing I got a big canopy.
Wicker, I love living here!