Sanford and Son (1972) s02e23 Episode Script

- Hey, Pop, I'm home.
- Hello, son.
All this paperwork sure gets to you.
Oh, yeah? What you been doing all day? What's it look like? Been keeping the books.
Oh, let me have a look.
No, that's okay.
I like to keep my book in order.
- I'll take care of it.
- Let me just look at it.
I thought you Bookmark.
Fifty-two of'em? I lose my place a lot.
So I've been playing a little cards.
Who are you, the FBI? Played a little cards.
Had a little drink.
Took a little nap.
Anything else? How would you like a little one of these across your lip? Never mind.
Just come on out here and help me unload this truck.
Gets pretty lonesome around here, you know.
A man can just do so much coordinating.
It'd be different if I had a wife or a dog.
- Why don't you get yourself one? - A wife? No, a dog.
Come on out here.
Walk around here like you own the place.
It's still Sanford and Son and not Son and Sanford.
- Hold it.
- What's the matter? Don't take nothing off until I tell you.
You want me to coordinate this inventory or don't you? Now what you got there? One five-foot length of one-inch pipe.
May I take it off now? One five-foot length of one-inch pipe.
Hold it! Hold it! Don't just throw it anywhere.
- What is that, galvanized iron? - Yeah.
Well, put it in the "Gl" section.
That's That's "Gl" for galvanized iron.
- "HC" section? - Huh? Hubcaps.
You want me to put them in "HC"? Let me see.
No, put them in "GC.
" Garbage can.
You're ridiculous, you know that? Jason, how'd you get in there? Who is this kid? What are you doing here? It's Jason.
A kid I know from the route.
He sneaked a ride.
You shouldn't have done that.
You could have got hurt.
What you looking for, kid? Hubcaps? Radio aerials? Frisk him, Lamont.
Wait a minute, Pop.
He's not a thief.
He's a little kid.
- Well, how old are you? - Nine.
Well, you look 21.
I'll bet you he's a short thief.
Either that or he's a midget.
If there's one thing I hate it's a midget who goes around stealing for a living.
Hey, Pop, I'm telling you, I know this kid.
Good.
All right, kid, you had your ride.
Go home.
Can't I just play here for a little while? No, you can't.
Get outta my chair.
You can't play here for no little while.
You'll be running around here and cut your foot on something rusty.
You know what you get when you cut your foot on something rusty? - What? - Lockjaw.
Then you won't be able to eat no more Fat Burgers.
Pop.
Look, Jason, you can stay around here and play but be careful and don't get into nothing, okay? - Thanks, Lamont.
- All right.
Say, listen.
What are you doing? You'll get us in trouble with that kid playing around here.
What's wrong with that? You know what a lawyer calls a junkyard? An attractive nuisance.
- A what? - An attractive nuisance.
- And where did you hear that? - On a Perry Mason rerun.
- Are you gonna start? - No, see, it's true.
See, this millionaire named Marcel Colton called Perry Mason.
But see, Perry Mason was taking a steam bath so he had to talk to Perry Mason's secretary.
- I don't wanna hear about it.
- Della Street.
She's good-looking for a white woman.
I'd like to ask Perry Mason if he'd come out here and help me lift this stove off this truck.
Well, you better ask him, because I ain't gonna lift it.
- Oh, why not? - Are you kidding? If I lift this stove, tomorrow I'll be wearing a truss.
- Come on, Pop.
- I don't mind wearing one but it'll mess up the crease in my pants.
So, in other words, you're not gonna do it.
In other words, I don't want a hernia.
You see, I'm at that age now where I could get one.
Really.
It's called "HP.
" - "HP"? - Yeah, hernia prone.
Is that something else I should ask Perry Mason? No, you should ask "MW.
" That's Marcus Welby.
You see, he had this story where this guy on the show, he was a piano mover.
- I don't wanna hear about it.
- He was a piano mover and after his 21 st wedding anniversary, he started walking funny.
- Know what I mean? - I said I don't wanna hear about it.
Let's forget about the work for today and go inside and eat.
- Jason! - I bet he took off.
I bet he took off with some of my valuable stuff.
What valuable stuff? A refrigerator, a stove, a sink.
I mean, it's a gold mine out here.
And I suppose a little kid took off with all that heavy stuff, right? Well, maybe he's not alone.
Maybe he's in the syndicate.
Just like that story I saw on Mod Squad.
I don't wanna hear about it.
Jason! Here he comes now.
Look how his pockets is bulgin'.
Say, kid, what you got there in your back pockets? Nothing, Mr.
Sanford.
That's me.
Everything you eat must go straight to your back pockets.
Stop it.
Now look, Jason.
We're gonna go inside and have our dinner now.
Yeah, so you better get on home, Jason.
Good-bye, Jason.
You can remember how to get home.
It's not that far.
- Good-bye, Jason.
- Yeah, so you better go now or your mother's gonna be real worried about you.
- Yeah, good-bye, Jason.
- She's not home.
- She's what? - She's not home.
She's working.
Oh.
Well, good-bye, Jason.
Wait a minute.
Just wait a minute.
Hey, would you like to have dinner with us? - I sure would! - What's wrong with you? - Why don't you let the kid go home? - Excuse me a minute, Jason.
Now look.
Let the kid eat with us if he wants to.
Listen, Lamont.
Let him go home.
Kids are just like cats.
You feed him, and he'll be hanging around here forever.
What are you talking about? He's got a home.
Then let him go to it.
Good-bye, Jason.
Would you wait a minute? It's not as if we don't have enough food.
- What are we having for dinner? - Chicken.
Four backs and three necks.
- Well, that's enough.
- Enough for two, but not for three.
- Good-bye, Jason.
- Would you listen to me? I'll give him one of my backs.
Well, it's your back and not my neck.
Good.
Come on, Jason.
I'll go upstairs and get cleaned up, and I'll be right back down.
Say, kid, don't touch none of that stuff.
That's valuable.
Yeah, this is valuable stuff here.
You know what this is? Uh-huh, junk.
Don't be funny.
You might be younger than I am, but I can still give you one of these.
- You got that? - Yes, sir.
Come on in the kitchen and wash your hands.
If you're gonna eat with us, you gotta wash your hands.
- You wash your hands? - Yes, sir.
Good.
You're always supposed to wash your hands every time before you eat.
And from the looks of you, you should have the cleanest hands on your block.
- Now, you like chicken? - Yes, sir.
What do you like, backs or necks? I like necks.
You do, huh? Well, you know, backs are better for you.
Yeah, but I like necks.
Yeah, well, see, backs are the best for you.
Because if you eat necks, you might get one of them bones in your throat and then you'll grow a chicken neck.
- Really? - Yeah.
Haven't you seen people with them little chicken necks? Real ugly.
Then when you grow up, you won't even be able to get a shave.
You'll have to go have your neck plucked.
Now what do you want? - I'll take the back.
- Good boy.
Go finish drying your hands.
I'll go get another chair.
You sit down right here.
I'll be back in a minute.
That's a fine thing you did, inviting that kid here for dinner.
What are you grumbling for? He's just one kid.
Yeah, it's one now, but tomorrow he'll bring friends and there'll be more.
And then the next day more.
Then pretty soon it'll be some more.
That's how Boys Town got started.
- Come on.
- Yeah.
I'm Papa Sanford, not Father Flanagan.
Say, and get that chair there and bring it in here.
Jason, what would you like to drink? A glass of milk? - Okay.
- What about a beer? - Pop, children do not drink beer.
- What's wrong with that? It's just got some barley and some grain and stuff in it.
You know, just cornflakes in a can.
- No beer.
- Okay, I'll get the drinks.
Hey, Jason, what do you like, the necks or the backs? Back, please.
Well, don't you like necks? Yeah, but I'm afraid to swallow a bone because I'll grow up with a chicken neck.
- Who told you that? - Your dad.
Well, it's true.
It is true.
See, I had a cousin, Big SunnyJim Haywood.
He always eat chickens, and he eat the chicken neck and he grew up with a chicken neck.
Funny little neck.
He couldn't get a collar to fit him.
And one night, him and his wife had an argument and she almost choked him to death with one hand.
Stop it.
And his twin brother, LittleJimmy Haywood he used to get the other end of the chicken.
And when he grew up, his face looked exactly like I said that's enough! You know.
- Is it good, Jason? - It sure is.
It's the best chicken back I ever ate.
Yeah, that's because I cook them special.
See, a lot of folks just Shake 'N' Bake but I buy and fry.
- You really like it, huh? - Yes, sir.
You're a great cook, Mr.
Sanford.
You know what? - You oughta own your own restaurant.
- Well, you mean that, huh? Well, look here.
Why don't you take one of these necks? And just be careful now and don't get none of them small bones in your throat.
Thank you.
- Thunder.
Sounds like a storm.
- I'm scared of thunder.
Jason, ain't nothing to be scared of.
Don't you know what thunder is? It's nothing but electricity in the atmosphere.
Why are you telling him a thing like that? You'll scare him to death.
Electricity in the atmosphere.
All right, what is thunder? What makes that sound? Well, it's Thunder? That's the black angels tap dancing.
Don't worry, Jason.
If a storm comes up, I'll take you home.
Okay? - Okay.
Lamont? - Yeah? Is it okay if I sleep here tonight? - No.
- Wait a minute.
Stop it.
- No.
- Would you hold on a minute? If your mother comes home and you're not there - she'll be worried about you.
- She won't be home.
She's staying overnight on this job.
- Well, what about your father? - I don't have a father.
You mean if you went home tonight, you'd be all alone? Hey, it's okay.
You can stay with us.
- Oh, boy, thanks! - Look, Jason.
Why don't you go see if the windows are closed in the living room? See that, Lamont.
What did I tell you? Didn't I tell you? Kids are just like cats.
You feed them, and they'll be around here forever.
You heard him.
No father, his mother's working and a storm is coming up.
Now who are you, Simon Legree? No, and I'm not Conrad Hilton either.
Pop, it's only gonna be for one night.
I'll take the kid home the first thing in the morning.
Just relax.
It ain't enough for me to be around here with one dummy.
Now I got to have a dummy and a half.
It's okay, Mr.
Sanford, they're shut.
- How many you want? - Four.
Four? Four? Ain't no way to play poker.
Only a dummy would draw four cards.
Here.
I'll take two.
- How much you bet? - I'll bet $100.
A hundred? Say, is that a bee over there? I don't see no bee.
You bet a hundred.
Well, I'll call your hundred and raise you a hundred.
You call? Well, read 'em and weep.
Aces over jacks.
What you got? - Four kings.
- Four kings? Now you owe me $650.
Okay.
I'll show you another game.
This is a new game.
Here.
Now, here's the way it goes.
Three for you and four for me.
Two for you and one, two, three for me.
Now look at your cards.
We ante up a hundred in front.
Now what you do? - Now what? - Bet $100.
How do you know who wins? - How many cards you got? - Five.
I got seven.
I win.
Let's play that game again.
Okay, then I'll deal again.
Oh, it's Lamont.
Hey, Pop.
Jason, what are you still doing here? It's 4:00.
What's the matter with you, Pop? When I left this morning, you wouldn't let me wake him.
- Now I come home and he's here.
- Well, he was keeping me company.
And he was helping me coordinating.
Wasn't you? Is coordinating the same as playing poker? Poker? You was teaching a little kid how to play poker? - He wasn't, Lamont.
- See? I was teaching him.
We gotta get you home.
Your mother's probably worried sick.
Why didn't you call and tell her he was here? I asked him, and he wouldn't give me his phone number.
Come here, Jason.
You got a phone at home? Okay, what's the number? Hey, look.
Now, your mother's been working hard all day.
When she comes home and you ain't there, it's gonna make her sick.
You don't wanna make your mother sick, do you? - What's her name? - Winnie.
- Her last name.
- He ain't gonna tell you.
Any kid who can draw four kings ain't gonna give you his phone number.
- We gotta get him home.
- Okay.
Listen, Jason.
Now you know you got to go.
- You can't hang around here forever.
- Why not? Because this is not your house, and I'm not your father.
If you marry my mother, you could be.
Oh, no.
Forget that.
I ain't marrying nobody.
Come here, Jason.
You can come around here and play anytime you want to but you gotta tell me your phone number so I can call your mother.
- Now what is it? - Go ahead, Jason.
Tell him, or I ain't gonna be your poker pal.
- I'll tell.
- Good.
Oops.
What do you say, Lamont? What's happening? - Mr.
Sanford, how are you? - What's going on, Fred? - Where you been so long? - Fighting crime in the streets.
We are gonna get it to the point where people can walk anywhere in Los Angeles.
Yeah, but they'll still be running in Watts.
Hey, is that the little man, Lamont? Yeah, this is Jason.
Jason, come over here, man.
- You're not scared, are you? - Don't be scared, sonny.
- A man in blue is a friend to you.
- Yeah, but - You know - man in blue, get your foot off there.
Oh, sorry.
You know, in the lawman-juvenile relationship the primary consideration is the establishment of an atmosphere of mutual trust between the official and the minor in question.
Be cool, little brother.
The fuzz is your cuz.
Yeah, we just wanna ask a few questions is all.
- How'd you know he was here? - Oh, on the way home I ran into Smitty and Hoppy and told them Jason spent the night last night.
- He ain't done nothing.
- We just wanna check him out.
You know, to make sure he didn't run away or something.
You got a lot of runaways now, huh? Oh, yes.
It's an age-old problem.
Didn't you ever run away from home, Mr.
Sanford? No, but I had a brother who used to run away about at least once a month.
Is that so? What finally happened? His wife divorced him.
He's talking about kids.
We wanna have a chat with the youngster and make sure everything is cold.
- Cool! - Cool.
Jason? Jason! He's gone.
Sure he's gone.
You bring two policemen here and scare him half to death.
He did what any normal American kid would do split.
Now don't worry, Mr.
Sanford.
We'll try and track him down.
See if we can't reassure him.
We'll just check out the neighborhood.
I'm sure everything will be gravy.
- Groovy! I'll see you.
- Groovy.
Groovy.
You big dummy, you see that? You bring those policemen here, and Jason will be a runaway kid.
You know what he'll be doing? He'll be in the penitentiary writing his story.
And you know who he's gonna name it after? You.
You know what he's gonna call it? "Superfink.
" - That's enough.
- That's right.
And then when he gets out, he'll come looking for you like I saw in a picture once with Humphrey Bogart.
A guy sent Humphrey Bogart up to the penitentiary and when he got out, he came looking for this guy.
He had a gun with two bullets in it, and I'll never forget how he said this.
He said, "Listen.
I got two bullets in this gun.
One for me and one for you, sweetheart.
" I'm going outside and look forJason.
Come out and look if you want to but you ain't gonna find him, 'cause by now he's across the border, sweetheart.
Jason! Jason, are you out here? Jason, you out here? If you're out here, say so.
If you're not, say so, too, so we won't be making fools out of ourselves.
Lamont, come here.
You know, I think Jason is somewhere - out here in the yard, hiding.
- You think so? - I'll bet he is.
- I'll bet he ain't.
Jason, what'd you run away for? Why'd you do that? I was afraid those cops were going to take me down to juvenile hall.
We wouldn't let them do that.
Come back in the house.
Yeah, come on in.
I'm gonna fix you a nice chicken dinner.
- Necks and backs? - No, gizzards and feet.
Before the police came, you was gonna tell us your phone number at home.
- Now what is it? - I don't remember.
- Come on, Jason, tell him.
- I don't remember.
- Okay, no gizzards and feet.
- 292-7399.
Okay, that's better.
It's the police.
They're back again.
- Let me go! - Just calm down.
- Jason, where have you been? - Mama! - I've been worried sick.
- This is the little guy's mother.
She put in a report that her son was missing.
Didn't I tell you your mother would be worried? He told us that you'd be working all day.
That's true, but he was supposed to go to his aunt's house - and stay with her overnight.
- He didn't tell us that.
Jason, what have you been doing all this time? Playing poker with Mr.
Sanford.
No, wait a minute.
We was just playing for fun.
He owes me $650.
Well, you better pay up.
We'll be on our way now, ma'am.
Bye.
Good-bye, and thank you so much for your help.
Yeah.
Smitty and Hoppy, you all did a great job.
Thank you.
We like to think of ourselves as like the Canadian Mounted Police.
You know, we always get our man.
Yeah, why don't you guys celebrate and get yourself a woman? Well, so long, father.
- Brother! - Brother.
Brother.
Well, we'll be going too.
Oh, no.
Don't rush off.
Why don't you stay and have dinner with us? Can we, Mama, please? Well, I certainly don't wanna cause you any more trouble.
No trouble.
This calls for a celebration.
- We'll have a nice chicken dinner.
- Gizzards and feet? No, legs and thighs.
Say, Lamont, why don't you takeJason out in the yard and show him how to dribble a basketball? - Okay.
- And, Winnie why don't you come into the kitchen with me while I flour these legs? Hey, what's the matter with you? - Oh, nothing.
- I know what it is.
You miss Jason.
Come on.
Tell the truth.
Yeah, well, I got sort of used to having him around.
It was like having a little son in the place.
Hey, Pop, you got a son.
Remember? No, it ain't the same.
You've changed since you got big and grew your own mustache.
I wonder where Jason is today.
I don't know, but I know what I'd do if I was a mayor or if I had a lot of money.
I'd build a big park so kids could play in it kids running around likeJason.
A park? Yeah, a park where you can get them off the street and they could play and stay out of trouble.
- Jason! - Hello, Mr.
Sanford.
Hi, Lamont.
- Say, Jason, what are you doing here? - Mr.
Sanford remember you said it'd be all right if I came back here and played? - Yeah.
Anytime.
- Well, is it? - Hey, great! Okay, you guys! - Good.
Yea! Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience.