The Drew Carey Show (1995) s02e23 Episode Script

Hey, Larry. Who's your buddy?
Whose your pal?
You'd like a bite of this.
Wouldn't ya?
Wouldn't ya?
Where did you get that?
From your dreams.
Looks good, doesn't it?
It's a six-footer.
What would this take you?
Three bites?
Hey, Larry,
in between the lines.
Hey, Drew.
Hey, uh,
before we go to lunch
we want to show you
our new promotional campaign
for Buzz Beer.
Is it better than the
steering wheel bottle opener?
Oh, much better.
You know all the big companies
sponsor family-type events
like, uh, sporting events
and county fairs.
Well, we've come up
with a way of, uh
helping parents spend some fun
time with their kids
while bringing them
all into the Buzz Beer family.
We call it Buzz Beer
Children's Theater.
That's right, every week
at your local library
you get a visit from..
'Little Oswald.'
(Lewis)
'And Little Lewis.'
Te-dee te-de te-de-tede te ♪
Te-dee te-de
te-de-tede te hey ♪♪
This week's episode
is entitled
My Dad's Stronger
Than Your Dad.
(Oswald)
'Hey, Little Lewis,
I bet'
'my dad's stronger
than your dad.'
(Lewis)
'Oh, yeah, Little Oswald?'
'Well, I bet my dad's
stronger than your dad.'
(Oswald)
'Hey, who do you think
you're screwing with?'
[indistinct yelling]
- 'Whoa!'
- 'Whoa!'
- 'What are we fightin' about?'
- 'Huh?'
(Oswald)
'The one thing
both our dads have in common'
'is that they both drink
Buzz Beer.'
- 'And lots of it.'
- 'Mm-hmm. The end.'
- 'Thank you.'
- 'Thank you so much.'
[indistinct chattering]
Was this a two case idea
or a three case idea?
I got an idiot talking for me.
What's your excuse?
- Oh!
- Come on.
Te-dee te-de te-de-tede te ♪♪
Hey, pig.
Hey, Mimi. Finally
figured out what pig means.
- Pretty important guy.
- Yeah, that right.
That's why I had it put
on all your business cards.
What?
"Drew Carey, Pig.
The other white meat."
[phone ringing]
Wait, Mimi, to show you
I'm above all this,
I'm gonna let you know
that something happens
when you pick up the phone.
Oh, hey, Kate, Kate,
could you get that for me?
- I'm kinda busy.
- Sure.
Kate, don't.
Hello. Yeah, she's here.
Hold on a second.
Quit yanking me, dip wad.
Hello, yeah.
Okay, alright, thanks.
Bye-bye.
[gasps]
Oh, I'm sorry. Forgot.
It happens when you hang up
the phone.
Good one, pig.
I probably shouldn't
even tell you
that they just called to say
you have a message
on the pneumatic tube.
How many times
I've to tell you, Mimi
there's two kind
of people in this world.
The quick and the..
[whooshing]
Stupid!
[laughs]
Damn it, Mimi.
This is a brand new suit.
Hey, I can't help it
if it got sucked
into your
gravitational pull.
How you gonna top
that one, pig?
[explosion]
What are you smilin' about?
Just picturin' you topless.
Pig!
Moon over Parma bring
my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪
We're going bowlin' ♪
So don't loose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
(Kate)
I think this whole Win A Date
With Kate thing is crazy.
I mean since when did I become
a ham for you guys to give away?
Since we couldn't afford
the ham.
And besides,
you agreed to do this.
- When?
- Last night.
You said "Hey, if that's what
it takes to sell beer
then give me away as a date."
- I never said that.
- Yes, you did.
You even called and left
a message on my machine
which I happen to have
right here.
- Perhaps you'd like to hear it.
- Yes, I would.
[Kate on tape recorder]
'Hi, Drew, I would like you'
'to give me away for a date
in Buzz Beer..'
[Oswald on tape recorder]
'Contest.'
'How was that?'
Gee, I guess
I can't argue with that.
It's all there in words I've
used over the past five years.
Come on, we'll chaperone you
and look, we're sellin' more
Buzz Beer than we have all year.
Yeah, you know it's, uh,
it's kinda romantic.
Like Cinderella.
But instead
of a glass slipper
our Prince Charming will find
your name under a beer cap.
- Oh!
- I won, I won. Look!
Hey, looks like a winner.
Bernard. I remember you
from high school.
I beat you up once.
Twice, but all is forgiven.
Hey, this cap's a fake.
Anyone can see you scan this
on a triple pass 24-bit scanner.
You should have used a single
pass 36-bit snap scanner
print it up on a photo-realistic
color laser printer.
Geeks.
(Mr. Wick)
You're the one
that slammed into me
you idiot,
you're goin' to pay.
Why did you stop
in the middle of the street?
Well, I certainly thought
how can I get
my spare tire
shoved up my bum.
Change for the phone,
please, Bob.
Keep in a bottle
of your cheapest beer.
Make that two.
Oh, my God.
They ordered Buzz Beers.
That guy with Mr. Wick
is so cute.
Oh, please, oh, please.
Let him win.
Hey, there's something
on my bottle cap.
Yes!
Oh, it's just a hair.
Who's this Kate?
And why do I have to date her?
Alright, that's it. I am not
goin' out with our boss.
Wait a minute,
you can't back out
of something we promised
you'd do behind your back.
Hold on, listen, listen, look.
I-I'll have talk with Mr. Wick.
You know, you're an employee.
It'd be uncomfortable.
You know, he may seem
obnoxious and rude
but deep down, he's really
a reasonable person.
[screaming]
Operator. Operator!
I got cut-off.
[grunts]
[yelling]
You may want
to have this checked.
It wouldn't give me
my quarter back.
Hey, Mr. Wick,
I need to talk to you
about that date
you won with Kate.
What are you doin'?
Just adding
a little energy boost
to the water supply.
"Aqua Java.
Caffeinated Water."
Yeah, I noticed the employees
get a little sleepy after lunch.
I thought this would help them
through that mid-day lull.
And, uh, to ensure
they're good and thirsty..
a large bowl
of salty pretzels.
But we make our coffee
with that water.
Oh, my God. That's why
I jogged home last night.
Hey, Drew.
Hey, Mr. Wick.
How is it goin'?
Great coffee, huh?
Listen, I've been assigned
a report you asked for.
I also included a couple
of footnotes, a couple
of book reports.
and a review of a movie
I saw last night,
copy machine was broke
so I wrote out a few copies
by hand.
Here's a copy for you,
here's a copy for you
and, hey, have a copy.
Well, off to inventory, I know
we're not supposed to do it
for another couple of weeks,
but hey, what the heck! See ya.
In about an hour, that's gonna
be one sleepy, sweaty man.
Uh, you know, Mr. Wick, if you
don't wanna go out with Kate
I can have a talk with her
and let her down easy, you know.
You tryin' to take away
my prize?
I smell fraud.
No, sir,
here's all the information
on the limo service,
and two tickets to see "Grease"
at The Cleveland Play House.
Although it is a bit of
a dilemma. Kate's an employee.
It's against the rules
for me to go out with her.
On the other hand,
Tonya Harding as Rizzo
in "Grease"
is hard to pass up.
Well, then, uh,
don't think of it as a date.
Just think of it
as free dinner and a show.
You know, I'm sure Kate
will be great company.
She's a good person.
She's funny--
Yes, yes, I'm sure
I can listen to her jabber
for a few hours and pretend
to laugh every 12 minutes.
Hey, I can have her wear a watch
on her head if it will help.
[both laughing]
- That's very funny, Carey.
- Thanks, sir, I--
No, no, I'm just practicing.
Drew, please tell me
you changed his mind.
Uh, I know you think
I can reason with Mr. Wick
but have you noticed
my cubicle, my paycheck
the angry woman
who sits behind me?
Alright, I guess I can
get through one night.
I've had bad dates before,
I'll just grit my teeth
and drag myself
through hell one more time.
That's the spirit.
Hold on.
Oh, Drew, the wending machine
fell over on the fourth floor.
There's Snickers as far
as the eye can see.
Oh, well, I better..
go and make sure..
everyone's alright.
Hey, Sandra Dee.
Rumor has it, you're taking
Mr. Wick to see "Grease."
Just keep your mitts off,
he's mine.
Mimi, calm down.
It's just dinner and a show.
I just don't want you
undoing my work.
I almost got him
where I want him.
Yesterday he said,
"How do you want your coffee?
The usual?"
The usual. He knows me.
Knows you?
He's stalkingyou.
All I'm sayin' is I've got
three things in my hair
that I could kill you with.
So they learned to dodge
the brush, did they?
Fine, just remember.
You come back and there's
been any funny business..
I'm gonna crush you
just like this tomato.
Hey, it's one thing to yell
fire in a crowded theater
but next time you say
there's free Snickers
you better mean it, baby.
(Oswald)
'Lewis and I have come up with
another great promotion idea.'
You know all the famous
dance crazes, the lambada
the twist,
the "Achy Breaky Heart."
Wait a second. Let me
fast forward about two minutes.
Lewis, Oswald,
that's the stupidest idea
I've ever heard in my life.
- Okay, go ahead.
- Alright.
You really gonna like this one.
We've come up
with a dance craze
of our own,
a Buzz Beer dance
The Buzzy.
Hey, you ready?
Boy good are you za ♪
Buzz Beer I said-aa ♪
Buzz Beer that's right-aa ♪
Buzz Beer ♪
Do the Buzzy ♪
[buzzing]
That is brilliant!
We show that to people,
if they don't drink more beer
we threaten to show it
to him again.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- 'Hey.'
- Hey, guys.
(Oswald)
'Hey, Kate, you back
from your date.'
- Um-hmm.
- That wasn't so bad.
You survived a night with that
pasty-faced tea sucker.
[chuckles]
Tea sucker.
Parked the car, honey.
- Missed you.
- Me too, Wicky.
Oh, my God.
Kate and Mr. Wick..
like each other, that..
That can't bebad, can it?
No, let me see, you..
probably have to spend
a lot more time with your boss.
And if things don't work out,
odds are, they'll blame you.
Let me fast forward
about two minutes.
Nope, still screwed.
Let me try two hours.
Hey, I'm drunk off my ass.
Nothing seems so bad.
Look at this, huh?
Saturday night,
I got my boss
in the backyard,
playing pool.
Now, if I could only get my
heart doctor in the refrigerator
my mom in my secret magazine
door, life would be perfect.
Drew, I thought we welcomed
each others dates
into the group,
no matter what.
Remember, when you were
dating that atheist.
"I don't believe in this."
"I don't believe in that."
'"Your God doesn't exist."'
We never said
she couldn't hang out with us.
Yes, and you handled it
quite maturely
when you got her in a headlock
and started yelling
"Say God, say God."
Alright, Mr. Wick.
One more ball,
and you're snookered again.
I hate losing.
I hate it.
(Drew)
'Good luck, buddy.'
What did you do that for?
Beat my boss!
What are you, nuts?
Oh, look. I win, I win.
Oh, that's it,
he's beaten us at snooker
cricket and duckpins,
I'm going in.
Yeah, it's time to play
our kind of a game.
Good old American
Chinese checkers.
Carey, now that we're alone
there's a couple of things
I'd like to know about Kate
but I'm not quite sure
how to ask her.
So I thought you being her best
friend and all, I could ask you.
Oh, sir, I don't know
if I'm really comfortable--
Now, what's Kate's
favorite cologne?
Oh, uh, those kind
of questions, oh!
That's easy,
it's, uh, Obsession.
Obsession.
Now, speaking of obsessions
sometimes, I'm naughty..
and I like
to be disciplined.
You think Kate would go
for that?
Carey, cat got your tongue?
No, sir, actually,
I'm just hoping
for a heart attack.
What about nudepictures?
No, no, there's no way.
Uh, Kate would never pose
for nude pictures.
Oh, oh, not of her.
Of me,you know.
Me as a, as a nude cowboy
perhaps, you know.
Or, or me playing
naked bocce ball, ah.
You know, I-I must have had
too many kippers for lunch
'cause, all of a sudden,
I don't feel so good, and..
In fact, I..
I feel much better now.
Thanks.
Drew, I'm going crazy.
Nigel made this special
photo album for me
but he won't let me look
at it until tonight.
But he didn't say
you couldn't look at it.
No, but I say,
I can't look at it.
Oh, hi, cupcake.
Oh, sorry. You don't like it
when I call you cupcake.
I've been a naughty boy.
We'll talk later.
Carey, I thought I asked you
for some insurance reports.
Oh, but, sir,
you didn't give me
those final figures
until this morning.
If I don't have these reports
in my desk in one hour
one of us won't be hanging
around your house this weekend.
Nigel, don't you think you're
being a little hard on Drew?
It's none of your concern,
cupcake.
Ooh, I said it again.
[chuckles]
You'll have
to punish me twice.
I'm sorry, honey,
but Drew's my best friend.
I'm sorry, honey,
but you're out of line.
- What?
- You're also an employee.
So, why don't you
go downstairs
and sell your pretty,
little lipsticks?
Oh, is that
what you think of me?
Now, it comes out, doesn't it?
Well, you know, Drew was right.
You really are a pompous,
bullying
petty excuse for a man.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
You misheard me.
You misheard me.
I-I believe I said,
"Confident, intelligent
highly forgiving boss."
Come on, Drew, you've been
wanting to tell him off
for a long time,
here's your chance.
Kate, that was
my retirement speech.
I don't believe you.
Here I am, defending you
and you're not gonna
even back me up.
Some friend you are.
And you, I don't want you
to ever call me again.
More bad news, Carey.
You've ruined my relationship
with Kate
and you embarrassed me
in front of the entire store.
You're fired.
Oh, and Carey,
one more thing.
Gotcha.
[laughing]
You mean, you weren't
really fighting?
No, it was all a prank.
We weren't even dating.
I rigged the bottle cap
so Mr. Wick would win
and I could teach you not
to give away people as prizes.
And I did it
just to watch you sweat.
Was that bad of me?
Should I be punished?
I'm sorry I had to do this
but I still love you.
Best friends, right?
[chuckles]
Yeah, well. You know,
you got me, alright.
So, all that stuff about
the report due in one hour
I'm fired is just a joke, right?
No, no. One hour,
or you're fired.
Just checkin'.
Thank you so much for being
such a good sport, Mr. Wick.
No problem, actually,
it was rather nice
getting to know you better.
Yeah, it was really nice.
I had a lot of fun.
- What's the word?
- "Grease" is the word.
[both laughing]
- I love you.
- Hmm?
Nothing.
Alright, I love you.
Oh, well.
Thank you, sir.
Okay, back to work.
O'Brien, wait.
You're welcome.
Hey, uh, O'Brien.
So, I hear this, this thing
between you and Mr. Wick
was a joke, is that true?
Yeah, it was a joke
and it just keeps on
getting funnier.
Oh, well, then, I'm sorry
to hear about your car.
What did you just say?
I'm just saying, you know,
that if someone scratched..
slut..
on the doors,
trunk and hood..
that it would be a shame.
In fact, I'm gonna find out
who did it.
Wow, what a great place
to spend the lunch hour.
- At a toy store.
- Yeah.
Hey, hey, see
if you can hit
these bubbles
with that paddle ball.
Okay.
Here, I'll show you
how to hit the bubbles.
Drew, I have
a really big problem.
Mr. Wick's in love with me.
Does this woman ever stop?
She's nutty, I'll tell you.
She's nutty.
Drew, I'm serious.
He told me.
Hello, Drew.
I dreamt about you last night.
Thank you, sir.
Tell me, Drew, do you,
do you think you can get me
these insurance reports?
I'd really, really like you
to do that.
If-if you do that,
I'd be so happy.
And who knows,
maybe you'd be happy too.
Well, did you hear that?
Well, you weren't kiddin'.
Man, he really wants
those reports.
Jeez, I don't wanna hurt him.
How do I tell him
I'm not interested?
Let's see, what were some of
my favorite ways to get dumped?
Oh, once a woman wrote
a "Dear John" letter
on the bottom of a pie pan.
You know, it doesn't hurt
so much when you're full.
Kate, could I talk to you
for a minute?
Oh, uh, Kate,
you want us to..
leave, so just
you're comfortable
or should we stay,
so we're all uncomfortable?
No, I'd like you to stay.
You're her friends.
You should hear this.
Kate, I'd really appreciate
an answer
at the end of this poem
I've written you.
'"I'm no Byron, I'm no Keats'
"but when you're near
it's like I have eaten
100 sweets."
- Mr. Wick, please.
- There's only a little more.
"I'm a skinny, little boy
in this body of a man.
"But come on,
give your love to me.
"Love me, love me
love me if you can."
Uh, I'm sorry, Nigel.
I just don't feel the same way.
I'm sorry.
Oh!
Uh, wait, Mr. Wick, let me
read the last verse for ya.
Gotcha.
[laughing]
Sorry, I couldn't hold it
any longer.
[laughing]
Alright, so you got me back
for getting you back.
Ha ha, the jokes on Kate.
Nice one, Drew.
But I'll get the both
of you next time, I swear.
And we'll help.
And I'll get you
the time after that.
And we'll help.
Thanks, Carey.
I guess my heart led me
into a bit of a situation there.
Same thing happened
to me once, sir.
I, I know how you're feeling.
I mean, once in 7th grade--
Yeah, I'm,
I'm over it, Carey.
Your rebound is here, sir.
Oh, man. My toast is stuck.
What do I do?
Uh, no.
Don't stick a knife
in a toaster.
Ah, this will do the trick.
Hey, you're still doing
the Buzzy.
Help.
That's great,
you added a new move.