The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air s02e23 Episode Script

Well, G, on a scale of one to ten, I'd say I'm about a 53.
And that's fully clothed.
But aren't you dressed a bit early for your date? I'm not going on a date, I'm going on a phone call.
That's what I call safe sex.
Yes.
Hello.
Mrs.
Seger? Yes.
How are you and Mr.
Seger this fine afternoon? Yes.
If it's not too much trouble might I speak with your lovely daughter, Cynthia? Yes.
Thank you very much.
Yeah.
What's up, baby? Yeah, this your suntanned Superman.
Hey, what do you say the three of us get together this weekend? You, me and your red tube top.
Yeah.
Well, if I blow in your ear, will you Help me with my geography report on Alaska? Yeah.
You see, Alaska was up there all cold and lonely and along comes the United States all warm and full of bulging mountain ranges.
So, the United States says: "You know, I'm thinking of laying a pipeline.
Are you interested?" I'll see you Saturday night.
- Your cousin even makes sandwiches cool.
- Yeah.
He's the coolest.
Except when he wears his shower cap and runs through the sprinklers.
Children, I have a special surprise.
Cookies in the shapes of your favorite cartoon characters.
Geoffrey, I really don't think Kevin and I would like Check it out.
Elmer Fudd.
And he got little Chiclet teeth.
Yo, that's fly, G.
- Yeah, that's fly.
- Thank you.
It's good to know those four years at Oxford didn't go to waste.
So, Ashley, what's you and Kev getting into this weekend? The same thing as every weekend.
Pizza and Dad's renting a video.
This week it's The Muppets Take Manhattan.
- What? - You look cute.
Oh, you both look cute.
Aren't they just the cutest little couple? Yeah.
Check it out.
Little bluebirds flying around their heads.
- Well, how about a refill on those milks? - Thank you, Mrs.
Banks.
Hilary, as a loyal Republican and a staunch Bush man I'm warning you, don't do this.
Oh, come on, Carlton.
You're not a Bush man.
You're more like a Pygmy.
Will, I'm trying to keep Hilary from embarrassing all of us in front of the whole Republican Party.
- Are you joining the Republican Party? - No, I'm going to it.
Arnold Schwarzenegger's having a pool party.
I can't decide if I got the right suit.
Oh, darn.
Now Arnold's gonna have to return his.
I kind of like it.
I do, too.
That's a good-looking hat.
- It's Hilary's new bathing suit.
- When fish ride bicycles.
I better get going.
Kevin, I'll see you tomorrow to do homework? - I mean, if you want to.
- Sure.
- I mean, if you want to.
- Sure.
So Later.
- I forgot my notebook paper.
- Here.
Thanks.
Darn, I broke my pencil.
- I have one.
- Thanks.
So, what did you get for your first question? J.
Edgar Hoover.
- What did you get? - Twelve.
- Aren't we doing math? - I thought we were doing history.
My palms are sweaty.
- Is your heart beating fast, too? - Yeah.
And I kind of feel like you do after the Teacup Ride.
You think I got the flu? Do you want some Children's Tylenol? No.
I think I'd feel better if could kiss you.
I'm sorry.
Is that terrible? No.
Is it terrible that I want to kiss you back? Can I blow in your ear? Why? I don't know.
I heard Will say it.
Okay.
- What's it doing? - I think it's giving me an earache.
It wasn't doing much for me, either.
Besides, I like kissing better.
Me, too.
Hi, kids.
Having fun? This one is so cute.
I don't want to be cute tonight, Hilary.
I've always been cute.
I'm up to here with cute.
Ashley, talk to me.
This isn't just about clothes, is it? It's about something a lot more important.
It's a bad hair day, isn't it? Honey, have you seen my Obsession perfume? Oh, baby, this is the perfect choice for tonight.
I think this is the cutest outfit you have.
Okay, I'm cute.
Can we move on now? You remember the first boy you had over to watch TV, Hilary? Please.
I don't remember the guy I went out with last week.
All my babies are growing up.
I feel a little chat coming on.
See you.
Ashley, honey, let's have a little talk, okay? Do we have to? Honey, I just want to say that I know this is your first time having Kevin over without your father and I at home.
Now, I know your body's going through some changes and I Mom! Do we have to talk about my body? - Ready, Vivian? - Yup.
- We'll talk about it later, okay? - Okay.
- Okay.
I love you.
- I love you, too.
I'll just get my jacket.
Ashley, sweetheart.
Now, before Kevin comes over I think I should have a little talk with you about boys.
Great, Daddy.
They're all dogs, got it? Have a good time, sweetheart.
Ashley, you hit me in my stomach with this thing.
Had it been Carlton, you could've put his eye out.
Sorry, Will.
I was just upset about that stupid outfit Hilary picked out.
If you don't like it, why don't you just say so? 'Cause everyone's too busy going Yeah.
I know how you feel.
My mom still asks me if I went boom-boom.
Will, you're the only one who doesn't treat me like a baby.
You've been out with lots of girls.
Yeah, this has been an exceptional week.
No.
What I mean is, well I like Kevin.
And, well, I know he really likes me.
And I kind of need some advice.
Well, I know what it's like being 13, Ashley.
And I just have to say, if you want to kiss Kevin, go for it.
I've already kissed him.
- Oh, no.
I mean, on the lips.
- So do I.
Will, I need to know everything you know about sex.
Look, Ashley.
Don't you think sex is something you should discuss with Aunt Viv? You know, like, over a cup of General Foods International Coffee? Look, I mean, it's hard enough for me to accept the fact that Mom and Dad even did it.
I don't want to talk about it with them.
Besides, we've already discussed all the technical stuff.
I mean, I know all about eggs, fallopian tubes Am I gonna have to wash your mouth out with soap, young lady? Will, grow up.
I'm old enough to marry Jerry Lee Lewis.
Look, if Mom and Dad knew about all these weird feelings I'm starting to have, they'd freak.
- Promise not to tell them? - All right.
But I want you to stop having these feelings.
- You don't want to be that kind of girl.
- You mean the kind you like? What is this? The Spanish Inquisition? Look, Will, when a girl doesn't fool around you never call her back.
There's a reason for that, Ashley.
Not one I'm proud of, but there's a reason for that.
It's 'cause there's nothing to remember.
Now, how come it's okay for you and not for me? Look, it's just Look, well Look, I can't answer all these questions, Ashley.
And I thought you were the one person who would understand.
I do understand, Ashley.
You know, it's just that I just need a little time to get prepared, all right? But I thought you knew everything about sex.
Yeah, well Look, I just, you know I just want to make sure there haven't been any new developments, you know in the last day or so.
Okay.
Hey, thanks a lot for helping me, Will.
I'm so excited! Will you stop talking dirty? - Hi, Will.
Is Ashley ready? - No, man.
She's only 13! - Hi, Kevin.
- Hi, Ashley.
- So, you wanna go watch some TV now? - Sure.
- I mean, if you do.
- Sure.
TV.
What a great idea! Come on, let's go into the family room for some nice family fun.
Come on, kids, have a seat.
Let's watch some TV.
Okay.
Couple number two.
Where's the most unusual place you've ever made whoopee? Boy, that was good.
Hey, how about some music? I wanna sex you up Filth.
- I like that song.
- You would.
You men disgust me.
Hey, there's my favorite cousin.
Come over here and have a seat with us.
Hey, move over, man.
- Will, I'm late to pick up Dora.
- Come on.
Now wouldn't you much rather spend time with us playing a nice sweet game of Duck-Duck-Goose? Dora can tie a slipknot with her tongue.
Okay.
Who ate all the whipped cream? Is there no end to you people's preoccupation with sex? Somebody's girlfriend got grounded again? May I please speak to the two of you in the kitchen? Right now? It's Ashley.
Now, look, you can't tell Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv.
But she asked me to tell her about sex.
I don't know what to tell her.
I mean, she should hear it from somebody more experienced.
Well, pardon me for being attractive.
Look, I'm the wrong person.
I mean, I tried to tell Carlton about sex And, well, you know the rest.
Look, well, somebody has to tell her.
I mean, she won't do anything stupid if she has some good solid facts.
Wrong, my hot-blooded cousin.
If you tell her about sex, she's just gonna run out and do it.
Oh, that's ridiculous, Carlton.
We wanna expose her to a realistic portrayal of relationships.
I know.
We'll rent Pretty Woman.
Well, here we are to get information for our book report.
I'm just here to check the place for asbestos.
This is embarrassing, Will.
Why did you have to drag me down here anyway? Please.
Look at this face.
You think anybody's gonna believe I have questions about sex? Is there a John Doe and a Joan Crawford? I choked, okay? Present.
Hi, I'm Miss Rinkoff.
I'm one of the counselors here.
Right this way, please.
Shall we step into your office and talk about asbestos? Asbestos? Last I heard, it was called knocking boots.
Please, have a seat.
Now, how can I help you? By turning into an old ugly man.
Boys, there's no reason to be embarrassed about sex.
- Hey, we're all adults here.
- Exactly.
Everyone has questions about their reproductive organs.
Must you be so raw? Well, actually, it's about my cousin.
- His sister.
She's 13.
- Is she pregnant? Hey, that's my sister you're talking about.
I'm sorry to say it, but that's reality.
These days more and more teenage girls are having sex.
They certainly don't go to our school.
Look, we can't control people's actions but we can help kids make wise choices, not stupid ones.
Here.
Here's a pamphlet called The Truth about Sex.
- Thank you very much.
- Nope, wait a minute.
And here's one about the prevention of pregnancy.
Here's one about AIDS.
And here's one about dealing with your emotions.
- Sure a lot of stuff to read.
- Yes, I know.
That's why I think this is something your parents should be discussing with you and your cousin.
That's not likely with Uncle Phil.
He won't let us watch Snow White 'cause she lives with seven dwarfs.
- Thank you.
- Not so fast.
I think it's wonderful you have information for your cousin - but what about you? - I practice abstinence.
But I think I've got that down and I'm ready to move on.
Will! Hey, check it out.
Black folks playing tennis.
I wonder if there's a white guy somewhere tap-dancing.
Kids, we found these pamphlets.
Is there anything anyone here would like to discuss? Okay.
Who's pregnant? Hey, not me.
Not me.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and make that unanimous.
Now, somebody in this house needs to talk about sex and it ain't one of us.
But that only leaves Oh, God, tell me it's Geoffrey.
I think it's our not-so-little girl.
Okay, kids.
Your father and I need to talk alone.
Hey, look, Uncle Phil.
Now, just remember that sex is as natural as breathing.
And I'm gonna hold my breath till I'm married.
I can still remember the night Ashley was born.
She looked like a beautiful, little, black Winston Churchill.
Seems like yesterday.
Our baby's not a baby anymore, is she? You know, I knew it was time to have a talk with her and I tried to the other night but I just couldn't face the fact - that she was having sexual feelings.
- Vivian.
Vivian, how could this happen to us? We live in a good neighborhood, they go to good schools.
She's never even had a cavity, for God's sake.
Vivian, times have changed since you and I were young.
Hell, they've changed since Hilary and Carlton were young.
Well, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
You pack your bags, we are moving to Greenland.
Now, this is not easy for me, either, but this is our job, honey.
- We're parents.
- You're right.
We can do this.
We can do it.
Hi! I can't do it.
Can't do what, Daddy? We want to talk to you.
About sex.
I know where babies come from.
I took sex education.
I thought you took band.
Now, I know that there are some feelings you're experiencing as a young woman.
And I just wanna know, do you have questions? Well, a few.
Then we'll do our best to answer them for you.
Thanks.
Kevin asked his mom a question and she fainted.
Well, I guess the first thing I better do, then, is sit down.
Dora can tie a - Slipknot.
- Slipknot.
Dora can fit a whole orange in her mouth.
Dora.
In your phonebook? English