The Wild Wild West (1965) s02e23 Episode Script

Here you are, Mr.
Ambassador.
All ready for the opening tomorrow.
We kept the room very simple so as not to detract from the beauty of the crown jewels of Herzburg.
I trust you will approve, sir? Yes, yes, very nice, very tasteful.
You and your staff are to be congratulated, Mr.
Director.
Thank you, Mr.
Ambassador.
And you, for your magnificent protection, thank you.
An honor, sir.
So then my man will take his usual place tonight.
Very well, sir.
Take your posts outside, gentlemen.
Ah.
And what is that? That is a Wellington, Mr.
Ambassador.
Oh? And what is a Wellington? He was an American painter who specialized in the Western scene.
Too bad he didn't receive the acclaim during his lifetime that he deserved, but I'm sure he soon will.
It belongs to a Mr.
Axel Morgan, a very wealthy rancher in these parts.
He insisted that his painting hang in this gallery, while the royal crown jewels were on display.
He is a great contributor to the museum? I could hardly refuse him, Mr.
Ambassador.
I understand.
Well, the governor is expecting us at his banquet.
Shall we go? Our carriage is just outside, sir.
Well, I want to thank you for the beautiful way you have displayed the treasures of my beloved country.
Oh, how stupid.
I forgot my gloves in there.
I'm so sorry, Mr.
West.
Not at all, sir.
Oh, no.
What has happened? What has become of the crown? He's dead.
But how? How? People do not walk through stone walls.
Have you found anything yet? No.
There's no way they could have come through the wall or the ceiling.
Jim, come here a minute, will you? I want to show you something on this painting.
Look at this section right over here.
What about it? But I assure you, Mr.
Morgan, the same thing isn't bound to happen with your picture.
It'll be perfectly safe in the vault.
I'm not gonna take any chances.
I want this painting crated.
I'm taking it to my ranch this afternoon.
I don't blame you at all, Mr.
Morgan.
That painting certainly is a masterpiece.
Uh, who are you? You work here? Tsk, oh, no, no, no, sir.
My name is Artemus Gordon.
Oh, yes, of course.
You're the partner to James West.
I read about you in the paper.
You've been guarding the Herzburg crown jewels on their tour.
That's right, sir.
Uh, this is Mr.
West right here, and His Excellency, the Ambassador of Herzburg.
This is Mr.
Morgan.
Mr.
Ambassador, this is indeed a pleasure for me personally.
But in view of what has happened, a great dishonor on my city and on my country.
You know, the ambassador was just saying how much he'd like to meet you, Mr.
Morgan.
He's a great admirer of Wellington's paintings.
Well, I'd be glad to show you my collection.
Look, why don't you gentlemen ride down to my ranch with me this afternoon, have a little supper, and then view the paintings.
Oh, you may come along too, Mr.
West, if you'd like.
That's most kind of you, Mr.
Morgan.
Thank you very much.
We'd be delighted to come.
Oh good, as soon as we have the painting crated, we'll be on our way.
Uh, you two gentlemen give me a hand.
Huh? Easy now.
Lift up.
That's it.
What was that all about? I find Mr.
Morgan a very fascinating man.
I'd just like to get to know him better, that's all.
Tsk, I think you would, too.
Why? That painting's a forgery.
That's what I started to tell you when he came in.
Mr.
Morgan's much too good a collector not to have known it.
Do you think he has something to do with the missing jewels? I don't know, Mr.
Ambassador.
But I think it's best if you stay here in the city.
Oh, no, I'm coming too.
I wish you'd reconsider.
Mr.
West is right.
To my people, those crown jewels mean what your flag means to you.
They are our national honor.
I insist on coming with you.
Take this painting upstairs and hang it where it belongs.
Well, I assume you gentlemen could use a rest after that long ride.
Show our guests to their rooms.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Well, I brought him.
Oh, good, Morgan.
You're to be congratulated.
Now we can have a little fun with Mr.
West.
I see you got back here all right, and I hope with the crown jewels.
Oh, they're in the parlor, safely hidden.
I'll be greatly relieved when we're finished with West.
My advice to you, Dr.
Loveless, is to kill him now.
I? Kill West? Oh, Mr.
Morgan, no.
No.
I have something much more interesting in mind for him.
You've heard of Lightnin' McCoy? Oh, of course not.
A man of your social standing and power wouldn't associate with the likes of Lightnin'.
It's a terrible pity, though, really, especially for a great patron of the arts because, you see, Lightnin' in his own way is a true artist, the fastest gun the West has ever known, and I've sent for him.
He'll do our killing for us.
But meanwhile, there's no harm in our having a little fun with Mr.
West, is there? Huh? Heh-heh.
Well, if you're all settled in, sir, I guess I'll go to my room, clean up.
Excuse me.
What I cannot understand is why would a man as rich as Mr.
Morgan want to steal? He doesn't need the money.
No rich man does, if they go on making it.
One unneeded million after another.
If you'd like to rest, sir, I'll, uh, wake you before supper.
Thank you, yes.
Until later.
Jim? Jim.
Open up! Jim! Well, the party's over.
The ambassador.
It's still locked, Artie, from the inside.
So is that one there.
Where'd those guys come from? I don't know.
Maybe they can tell us.
There's no way he could have gotten out of here.
I know, disappeared into thin air.
We better have a talk with Morgan.
You're not in this alone, you know.
I've got a stake in this too.
You evidently have a short memory.
I found you in that mountain cave half-starved.
I took you in.
I poured money into your experiments.
I put up with your peeves and tantrums but not anymore.
I'm going to take care of West myself.
Mr.
Morgan, I will not be bullied.
I realize that a lifetime's association with cows does not prepare one in the ways of a gentleman, and I know that buying up paintings and acquiring the reputation of a great patron of the arts does not guarantee good taste or good manners, but you could try, Morgan.
Loveless, I have broken men with my bare hands for insults less than that.
You don't dare touch me.
I am the key to more wealth, more power than any man has ever had since the beginning of time.
Break that key, Morgan, and those treasures are locked away from you forever.
I don't care about the wealth and the power.
You can have them.
All I want is West my way.
Let me tell you something, Dr.
Loveless.
You give West enough rope, and he'll hang you.
Mr.
Morgan, your solicitous concern touches me deeply.
Look, here he comes now.
Any sign of Morgan? No, not a trace of him.
You know I've been looking through these portraits while you were gone, Jim.
Half of them are forgeries.
And look at this.
Here's that article in the paper.
It's over a week old.
As a gesture of goodwill and to acquaint the rest of the world with American culture, Morgan is giving away his entire collection.
Giving away? To whom? Various rulers, heads of state of great countries of the world, important institutions.
Well, why would anyone wanna give away fakes? Yeah, especially to important people.
He's getting too interested in that painting.
Well, that's one of my better efforts.
The flesh tones are particularly well-done, heh.
Look at the nose on this portrait, will you? You are not to interfere.
It's a thumbprint.
A child's thumbprint.
A child in this house? On the way here in the carriage, Morgan said he'd never even been married.
Purple stain of some kind.
Looks like fruit, huh? Grape maybe? It's not too old.
Artie, Mr.
Morgan is certainly becoming more interesting.
Not too interesting, I hope, Mr.
West.
Get your hands up.
Well, it looks as though I'm going to have to cut your visit short.
Disarm them.
All right for you, Morgan.
Always interfering, butting in, always thinking you know best.
I'm going to have West to myself, Morgan.
Take them outside.
The ambassador's room! Artie, get the window.
Break it down.
Hurry it up.
Bedroom.
Mr.
West always such a pleasure to see you.
I should have known.
Dr.
Miguelito Loveless.
Your humble servant, sir.
I thought you were dead.
Oh, no, Mr.
West.
I'm afraid I shall never die.
Death is too ordinary.
The humiliation would kill me.
Morgan, why don't you knock sometime? All right, where is he? You know, the other one, Gordon? Oh, he got away.
You bungler.
All right, you three, go after him, bring him back.
We can't afford to have the law here.
He's not going after the law, Morgan.
I know Artemus Gordon.
Now, with Mr.
West here and in jeopardy, Artemus won't be very far away, will he? It's a quality called loyalty, one of the nobler emotions.
Seven o'clock, time for supper.
Would you do us the honor of joining us? How can I resist? Always the soul of tact, Mr.
West.
Loveless we can't risk everything.
Kill him now! Morgan, for the last time, Mr.
West is an old, old friend of mine, and I am not going to be so rude as to shoot him down in cold blood like a sick dog.
Now, my friend deserves a dignified death.
We will sit down to a quiet supper and wait for Lightnin' McCoy to arrive.
You know Lightnin', of course? Yes, but I've never had the pleasure of meeting him.
"The pleasure of meeting him.
" Mr.
West, you are so droll sometimes, heh-heh.
Downstairs.
Dr.
Loveless.
Hyah, hyah.
Uh, you didn't bring me here to show me you could forge Wellington.
Oh, I find my Wellingtons quite impressive.
Where is the ambassador of Herzburg? I believe he's having quail under glass for supper with an excellent wine.
Where is he? Heh, upstairs in his bedroom.
Actually, he's never left it.
He's always been there.
Now shall we have our supper? I have a surprise for you, Mr.
West.
Voilà.
Soup's on.
A yen for your thoughts, Mr.
West.
¿Si, señor? Muy buenas.
Buenas.
Where can I find the telegraph operator? I've gotta send a message to Denver.
Jerry? Why, he's up in Denver himself.
Darned telegraph machine busted on him again, heh, happens all the time.
And he's going for some parts to- Everybody out.
Yes, sir.
I drink alone.
Who's he? He's a mean one.
Faster and meaner than the rattlesnake.
Just get.
I said everybody out.
I'm just having a little drink, señor.
Ahh.
Now there ain't nothing left to drink, is there? I'm going to give you just three seconds to clear out.
One two three.
He was very fast, señor.
Uh, yes.
But now Lightnin' McCoy has nothing to drink.
You are Lightnin' McCoy? Sí, señor.
Let me buy you a drink.
Amigo, do you know where the ranch of Señor Morgan is? Yes.
As a matter of fact, I was sent out here to meet you.
Ah.
Then you know Señor Loveless.
Miguelito Loveless.
I'm his right-hand man.
I am very late, señor.
We should go, eh? Oh, no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
You've got to have your drink.
It's a cold night, no? Sí.
Very cold night.
There.
Gracias.
De nada.
Salud.
Salud.
Ahh, it's got a kick to it, eh? Like a mule, yeah.
Eh.
Ahhh.
So, Mr.
West, as you read, Mr.
Morgan here is giving away his complete collection of paintings to all the great leaders of the world.
Painted by you, of course.
Perhaps the most remarkable paintings known to man.
Let me show you.
These smiling, lighthearted gentlemen, Mr.
West, are expert hatchet men, the best in their tongs.
Handpicked by you, naturally.
Naturally.
In there, Mr.
West, until I need them again.
Lightnin' McCoy is here, gentlemen.
Heh, take him upstairs.
Wine him, dine him.
We shall be with him shortly.
We must hurry.
You don't have much time.
I think I've figured it out, Loveless.
Oh, you were always so good at that, Mr.
West.
You have killers in every painting, and when the pictures are delivered, the killers come out.
And then, no more rulers anywhere.
No more emperors or kings or presidents, only free men.
Until you take over.
You flatter me.
What do you get out of this, Morgan? You ask too many questions.
Mr.
Morgan becomes the richest man in the history of the world.
For instance- Now, this painting goes to the Bank of England.
And that painting of the Western street that hung in the Denver Museum- That is being given to the United States mint.
Now what are the Herzburg crown jewels compared to that, huh, Mr.
West? How do you do it, Loveless? Well, arriving at the basic concepts, of course, is not one-tenth as difficult as the job of reducing the working elements to practical size.
I'm listening.
True science, Mr.
West, requires imagination, and you just don't find much of that around anymore.
However, if there were someone with the proper qualities of mind who had, say, he might well spend the first 10 of those years studying the properties of sound, particularly those which we call pitch.
Then, during the following 10 years, he could profitably make a careful analysis of the relationship between the vibratory structure of sound and the variable density of matter.
Then, during the final 10 years, while all the scientific conclusions were inevitably merging- Then he would, of course, have to master the arts of, uh, plumbing, carpentry, electricity, chemistry, physics, and, of course, painting.
But listen, Mr.
West The music of the spheres.
A perfect marriage of art and science.
In anyone else's hands, a noble accomplishment.
Sour grapes, Mr.
West.
As for the existence within the paintings- That, of course, is my own metaphysical principle, and I am a pretty fair metaphysician.
There's one thing you haven't told me.
What has happened to the human imagination? Look, we're wasting time.
I want all of these paintings outta here by tonight.
But Lightnin' is here, now.
I'm not taking any chances.
Morgan, I have had enough of your loutish, ill-mannered interruptions.
Will you shut up? Stay where you are.
West, you get next to him.
Morgan, is this a double cross? That's unethical.
Your partner's been waiting for this moment all along, Loveless, old friend.
You set everything up, he moves in.
Oh, you sure can pick 'em.
Look, I've heard enough out of both of you.
Now stay right where you are.
Quick, Lightnin'.
In there.
In there.
Where is Señor West? Get back, get back.
He's coming.
As usual, Mr.
West, I always get my way.
Oh, you'll feel better in a minute.
I'm afraid I transported you a little too fast.
Where am I? You stepped through a picture, Mr.
West, into my newly discovered dimension.
But make no mistake.
Death is just as real here.
May I introduce my friends.
The second fastest gun in the West, and the third and the fourth and the fifth and the sixth and the seventh.
You know who the first is.
Number seven, escort Mr.
West into the saloon.
You know, Mr.
West, I have always been incorrigibly curious, and I've wondered just how fast you are with a gun.
Now I'm going to find out.
You are going to meet Lightnin' McCoy in a fair fight out there in the street in broad daylight, and may the best man win.
And if I win? You won't.
Number seven here will keep you company until you feel better, heh-heh, and then you'll feel worse.
Lightnin', your colleagues are just outside.
Let me introduce you.
Uh, seven, just in case the impossible should happen, you know what to do.
Would you like to test your gun, Mr.
West? It's a beautiful weapon.
Beautifully balanced, very fast action.
Of course, it's loaded, Mr.
West.
You know I wouldn't pull a dirty trick like that on an old friend.
We're covered all around.
I know.
I'll take the one up high.
You take the one in the alley.
How'd you get rid of Lightnin'? He couldn't hold my liquor.
You know where the ambassador is? Yeah.
Saloon basement.
He's all right.
You think you can find him? What, and leave you here alone? Only four of 'em left.
Three.
Hardly seems worth your while.
Are you all right, sir? Yes, yes.
Loveless.
Where is he? Probably gone, out of the picture, back to Morgan's.
You know how to get outta here? I got an idea.
Keep your fingers crossed.
That's Morgan's ranch.
Now, it's gotta be through here, but how? It's done with sound.
Here's something.
This might do it.
Artie, how musical are you? Well, I Come on.
We've gotta get those paintings.
Gentlemen this is the real McCoy.
Buenos días.
I do not like your tricks, Mr.
Gordon.
I will take care of you after Mr.
West.
Better move the ambassador away, Artie.
Right.
Any time you're ready, Lightnin'.
He was very fast, señor.
Dr.
Loveless.
Well, he's gone into one of these paintings.
The only question is, which one? It doesn't make any difference.
We'll crate 'em all.
Ah, I thank you.
Thank you.
I thought without the crown jewels of my country, I could never go home again, but now- It's wonderful.
Wonderful.
Well, I guess we'd better all turn in, huh? Oh, we could all do with a good night's sleep.
Yes, yes.
Oh.
This is lovely.
Oh, thank you.
Oh.
Are you sure he is in one of those paintings? Uh, well, these or the ones that we have in the freight car.
And he cannot get out? Not a chance, Mr.
Ambassador.
And when we get to Washington, we're gonna put them in a vault, which is far more secure than any jail.
Oh, yes.
Now I can do with some sleep.
Come on, sir.
Yes.