Will and Grace s02e23 Episode Script

Melanie Weaver is getting married? I went to college with her.
What does it mean when lesbians are getting married before me? - Look at that.
I'm five for five.
- What's that? It's this test.
the five pillars of happiness.
Supposed to determine the level of contentment in your life.
And it comes with a lotion sample.
so you know it's scientific.
I can't believe you would evaluate your life based on something in the Lifestyle section.
Okay.
that was obligatory.
Bring it on.
The first pillar is health.
I gave myself a big yes.
'cause I just had my physical.
Everything's where it's supposed to be.
I'm running every day.
and well.
Iook at those calves.
It's like my knees swallowed a grapefruit.
Your turn.
I think I'm hypoglycemic.
I'm always tired and I can't poop.
I would give that a "no.
" Okay.
pillar number two is family.
- That's a big yes.
You? - Well.
Let's see.
My mother's idea of bonding is making me scratch her back.
and for my last birthday.
my father gave me gum.
That's another "no" for Grace.
Moving on.
Iove life.
- Another "no" for Grace.
- Excuse me! No.
you can mark that "yes.
" thank you.
Josh and I are doing great.
I mean.
it's not perfect.
but we care about each other very much.
Grace? Hey.
what are you doing? You left an hour ago to get bagels.
Here.
Toast 'em up.
I'll be back in 15.
Okay.
honey.
Uh.
your laundry is almost done.
Well.
you get a "no" on love life.
too.
Actually.
I haven't told you this yet.
but there's this lawyer.
Alex.
We've only had one date.
but I'm already seeing and his-and-his SUVs in my future.
Yeah.
yeah.
okay.
Next.
Okay.
pillar number four.
friendships.
- Okay.
now we're talking.
- No.
no.
no.
no.
Note the "s.
" Friendships.
They're talking more than just you and me.
This test sucks.
And the final pillar is work.
I love my job.
I work with a lush who insults me.
Okay.
final tally is Will.
Dee-de-de-lee-dee-dee Grace.
Waa-waa-waa.
You're not that happy.
I've known you a very long time.
There's always something bugging you.
Come on.
think hard.
- What is rotten in your life? - I don't know.
My life is-- okay.
actually.
there is something.
I don't like how you've stopped having lunch with me at my office.
You know why that is.
I hate the view.
Really? I thought it was because you hated Ben.
That's what I meant.
the view of Ben.
Okay.
I'll tell you what.
We'll have him over.
I'll make dinner.
and all you have to make is nice.
Think you can do that? - I can make nice.
- All right.
I'm always nice.
- Sweetie.
the bagels are ready.
- Call me when they're cream-cheesed.
- Love you.
- Uh-huh.
( theme music playing ) And Cook.
Iisten.
tell Butler to tell Gardener to stay out of my kitchen If he wants a snack he can root around the terrace for grubs and berries like the rest of the help.
Now get back to work.
Hey Care Bear.
Something's bothering me.
Can we talk? Sure.
honey.
Hey.
are you wearing make-up? Nothing.
really.
just a little man-tan.
- Your eyelashes look good.
too.
- Thanks.
I'm wearing individuals.
I'm concerned.
Um does Rosario seem different to you? Come to think of it.
she sent me to work today with a juice box.
I guess that means Mason went to school with a thermos full of Stoli.
She's distant.
she's distracted.
She's getting a little handsy in her sleep.
Last night.
she rolled over and shook hands with Master Harold and the Boys.
And let me tell you.
they were not amused.
I know.
honey.
but listen.
it's been my experience that when problems arise between husband and wife.
one should never point the finger of blame because it's always the husband's fault.
I know what it is.
Doilet-toilet.
I forgot our anniversary.
How insensitive of me.
This is my wife.
my significant otra.
That's good.
honey.
Why don't you just run home right now and tell her how much she means to you? I would.
but I have a date with Fernando.
Oh.
Well.
then.
why don't you pick up a little something.
and bring it to her tonight? Something she'd love.
Iike pork or Tinactin.
No.
not that.
It has to be a more meaningful gift.
I don't know.
what's the traditional first anniversary gift? Ooh.
well.
Iet me try to remember.
For my first anniversary.
I got a million dollars in cash.
Paper.
it's paper! Paper? Paper is so blah.
Let me tell you.
when the gays can get married.
that's the first thing that goes.
So we're at this dim sum restaurant downtown.
- and they have this thing called bao-- - Yes.
I know what bao is.
I spent the summer at the Culinary lnstitute in Hong Kong.
Personally.
I prefer har gow.
- Okay.
not the point of the story.
- Will: Anyway so she decides to have some fun with the waiter.
so she says.
"What are these white puffy things?" And he says "Bao.
" So.
I do.
- "Okay.
but what are they called?" - Bao.
- "Okay.
but what are they called?" - Bao! She did it like five or six times.
( Will and Grace laughing ) It was a very funny story.
I guess the humor was derived from two things: One, that the two words sounded the same; two.
that you made fun of someone who doesn't speak English very well.
Funny people think it's funny.
Really? How would you know? You know what.
Benjamin? What do you want me to say.
bow wow? All right.
all right.
all right.
all right.
all right.
all right.
Don't make me turn this car around or we're going home without ice cream! (phone rings ) Hello.
Hi.
Alex.
I was just thinking about you.
Okay.
I wasn't.
but I certainly am now.
Let me take this outside.
( laughs ) - It bugs you.
doesn't it? - What? When you're not the center of attention? It kills you.
I can tell.
- You think so? - Mmm.
I know you.
Ben.
You're so focused on yourself and your whole Ben Doucette thing.
But do you ever think of anyone else? Have you ever stopped to ask someone else what's up? What's up.
Grace? No.
I don't think so.
that's not gonna work with me.
We're talking about you.
All right.
fine.
What do you want to know? How about something real? Something that doesn't involve the words "Porsche.
" "beach house" or "what's-her-name?" Mmm.
Okay.
something real.
Well.
I've been married twice-- first to the love of my life.
who died 10 years ago.
then to a woman who reminded me of my first wife.
but was.
I found out.
nothing like her.
I have two beautiful kids.
one who's crazy about me and one who's not.
And somehow.
driving my Porsche to my beach house with what's-her-name.
doesn't quite make up for the fact that the things I really want in my life are exactly what's missing from it.
Wow.
Is that true? All but the Porsche part.
I drive a Mercedes now.
S-Class.
Any more questions.
Grace? Um how's the lamb? I made it.
you know? It's really good.
Grace.
It's good.
Date number two is set.
The romance pillar is a little firmer-- Iet me rephrase that.
Uh-oh.
Grace.
you didn't tell the irregular pantyhose story.
did you? There was something in the air tonight The stars were bright.
Fernando.
What? ( sighs ) You know what? Who needs brains when you can lick your own eyebrows? Why did you give the flowers to the womens? You like the mens.
'Nando.
Poor naive 'Nando See Rosario married me to get a Green card.
But as long as I'm married to her I get a platinum card.
a Barney's card and a Hallmark card that says "Welcome to Easy Street".
So I gotta keep the little women happy.
Now let me just give these to my wife.
and then we'll go make out.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Cha Cha.
what are you doing home? I thought you had a date with Dennis.
( mocks spitting ) Not till 10:00.
Anyway.
Rosie.
um I know you're upset because I forgot our anniversary.
but I'm just hoping that this will make up for it.
Oh.
so sweet.
And since paper is the traditional first anniversary gift Oh.
Bounty.
Now I can cross it off my list.
Happy anniversary.
Rosebud.
Don't wait up.
Is it safe? My husband's gone.
but I would not say that it is safe.
my little cup of crema de cacahuates.
Rosie.
can I have some cash-- Jennifer Love Hewitt! What the hell is going on here?! What can I say.
chica? The heart wants what it wants.
But you and Gardener? We're in love.
We want to get married.
Well.
I guess it's clear.
I'm the only one in this relationship who values the sanctity of marriage.
Come on.
Fernando! Mr.
Zamir? - Mr.
Zamir! - What? What? - What are you doing? - Nothing.
I was walking my dog.
- What dog? - Uh.
where did he go? ( makes kissing sounds ) Doggy.
doggy.
doggy.
Doggy.
doggy.
doggy.
You were hunched over.
reading a personal card to Grace.
I would never do something like that.
It is wrong.
I'm glad you realize that.
So.
she has slept with a guy with named Ben last night.
Let me see that.
Uh.
that's a filthy note.
but also tender and gentle in spots.
That Ben is a smooth operator.
Grace and Ben? - Hey.
- Will.
what are you doing? I was helping Mr.
Zamir look for his dog.
I don't have a dog.
You and Ben? Hey.
you're the one who wanted us to make nice.
We did.
We made nice.
Twice.
You are unbelievable.
You're the second guy to tell me that in the last 12 hours.
Come on.
Iaugh.
Grace.
he's my boss.
Obviously.
I didn't plan this thing with Ben.
It just happened.
It was just this wild chemical.
"ripping off of a pair of $50 panties" kind of thing.
Thank you.
Grace.
That'll go next to the visual of my grandmother getting out of the tub.
Don't make me feel bad about this.
Ben's a great guy.
Besides.
you have all five pillars of happiness.
Let me have this one.
But my boss? I mean.
did you stop for one minute to-- you know what? I'm not gonna do this.
This is your life.
your decision.
Enjoy it.
Oh.
Will.
the passive-aggressive gay man.
it's been done.
No.
no.
no.
no.
This is relaxed fit gay man.
I'm serious.
I'm making a whole new choice with this conversation.
See Ben.
Honestly.
it's fine.
All right.
I'm gonna take you at your word.
because I do want to keep seeing him.
Good.
Terrific.
have fun.
Just leave me out of it.
Last thing I need in my life right now is somebody else's drama.
My wife is cheating on me! My life is ruined! Will.
help me! Enter the drama queen.
exit the neighbor.
Can you believe this? She wants to divorce me and marry Gardener.
I'm out on the street! That's shocking.
Is there any way you can tell me about this without screeching like a howler monkey? You know what? I don't need you! I have plenty of friends who would be more than happy to help me through this! Goodbye! You don't even pretend to leave anymore.
do you? This is serious.
Will.
I am about to lose everything.
and I have a dog and a bird to support.
Jack.
it was a sham marriage.
What are you going to do? Take Karen to court and demand she keep you in the lifestyle to which you've become accustomed? I'm not talking about-- I don't-- can I really do that? Mr.
Doucette said that you should review the Blumen file.
- Where is it? - I don't know.
ask his assistant.
- You are his assistant.
- I just said I didn't know.
Wow.
is that your fun side? I'm just asking.
'cause I wouldn't want to miss it.
( sighs ) ( romantic jazz music playing ) - ( Grace laughs ) - You should consider yourself lucky.
Why is that? 'Cause I get about $500 an hour for the work I do at this table.
That's it? I wouldn't get out of bed for $500.
Really? Will you take a check? All right.
you either said something very romantic.
or you called me a prostitute.
- Whatever.
sounded good.
- Yeah.
How you doing.
Truman? Hi.
Will.
What can I do for you? Oh.
I was just looking for the Blumen file.
but hey.
Mr.
Blumen can wait.
One more day in a Turkish prison never hurt anybody.
Okay.
okay.
I'll get it for you.
It's in my office.
- You want to cut in? - Uh.
- No.
thank you.
I'd rather not.
- Aw.
come on.
cut in.
This lady's gotta dance.
See you later.
sweetheart.
You too.
Grace.
Oh.
please.
with the look.
How many times did I have to watch you and Michael do "Summer Loving" from "Grease"? That wasn't a look.
I was just looking at your skirt.
Shouldn't you be on the dashboard of a cab.
going It's amazing.
you know.
when things are working in the relationship department.
all those other pillars just fall into place.
Me and my family are getting along.
- I'm loving my job again.
- Yeah.
what about your health? Health's better too.
but that's not Ben.
that's bran.
Hello.
Karen.
Hello.
Grace.
I am here on business.
Oh.
great.
Put me down for two boxes of the Thin Mints.
Okay.
different business.
Damn.
now I want a cookie.
Okay.
I'll be back.
This is in regard to the very tragic and devastating collapse of my marriage to Rosario.
It's the laughter you'll remember.
honey.
Let's go buy make-up.
And even though one could never put a price on the pain and suffering this has caused me.
one has.
Jack.
I don't read.
I'm read to.
Very well.
Item one.
$500.
000 paid to me by you over the next four years.
preferably in 50s.
Item two.
A Shetland pony dyed powder blue to match my eyes.
Item three.
powder blue eyes.
- Item four-- - Wait a minute.
wait a minute.
Blanche! I'm still on item one.
Yeah.
I've always been turned on by one Benji Franklin.
He wasn't afraid to wear his hair up and away from the face.
Franklin's on the 100.
you mook.
And where do you get off asking me for 500K? Do you know how many times I had to ( pants ) "Oh my God.
Stan!" ( screams ) to get that? Well.
we did have a contract.
I gave you a year of my life so Rosario could stay in the country.
I don't think a trust fund and a Corvette is too much to ask for.
Are you kidding me with this? I plucked you out of a 4x4 hovel above a blinking light in Times Square.
and I put you in a 6x6 maid's quarters on Park Avenue.
- and this is the thanks I get?! - ( gasps ) Hey.
you got something out of this too.
Missy.
Who read "Valley of the Dolls" to your kids every night? Who distracted Stan for you on Oyster Tuesdays? Me.
It was me.
Now I want my 500.
000 in 50s! You know.
you should think very carefully about what you're asking for.
Miss Gurley Brown.
You've got a good thing going here.
and if you think that you can just shamelessly siphon cash off a loved one Iike I'm doing with my husband.
you've got another thing comin'! I want my money.
You ain't getting 88 cents from me.
Rose.
Very well.
I will see you in court.
By the way.
your boobs look great today.
It's a custom-made Jean Claus.
came in from Paris yesterday.
Get outta here! And at that point.
the arbitrator will hear your side and Karen's side.
and then he'll render his decision.
But Jack.
you've got to be more reasonable in your demands.
You can't.
for instance ask for all of Karen's camisoles.
Why do you want them anyway? For Halloween.
Me and 12 of my gym buddies want to go as an East Side brothel.
And you will never get this amount of money.
I know it was a little excessive.
but then just get me enough for the essentials.
okay? Like food.
clothing and bikini waxes.
Well.
that was good.
That way we all win.
( phone rings ) Hello.
Alex.
hi! I'm so sorry about last night.
I couldn't get out-- Tomorrow brunch? I will be there.
I will absolutely be there.
Okay, bye.
Jack.
he's straight and married.
Yeah.
so I am.
- (jazz music playing ) - Oh.
good.
Grace is here.
I'm gonna go tell her about Alex.
Oh.
you gotta go tell your wife about your boyfriend.
( Jack blows a raspberry ) Spooky.
What? When you said that.
you looked just like a woman.
Gracie.
good news-- oh.
you're not Gracie.
And this is not good news.
(phone rings ) Hello.
Hey, it's Alex.
Where are you? Ooh.
were we having brunch today? I thought we were having brunch on your birthday.
Today is my birthday.
Ooh! I've got to break some really bad news to a friend of mine.
Is there any way we could reschedule your birthday? 'Cause you seem more like a Libra to me anyway.
Okay, Will, why don't youjust tell me now? You're actually a straight married man with three kids who has no intention ofdating me again.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Morning.
sweetie.
Oh my God.
is that bacon? I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Alex I'll call you back tonight.
I'm so sorry.
What's going on? Bacon.
pancakes.
You put a chocolate chip smiley face on them this would be the meal you make to cheer me up.
But I don't need cheering up.
Ask me Why.
Okay.
here's a hint.
Check the outfit.
You picked up a shift at Long John Silver? I'm going yachting.
Yes.
that's right.
I yacht now.
But you're Jewish.
Hello? Have you ever heard of a little boat called the Ark? Did I mention that it's Ben's yacht? - Now about Ben.
- Oh.
thanks I should Carbo load drinking Martinis and having sunscreen applied to your back really takes it out of you.
Remember when you first met Ben how you really.
really hated him? Yeah.
now I really.
really like him.
You know what else I really.
really like? Bacon.
Where you hiding it chief? Remember how you said he was slick and slippery and you wouldn't trust him as far as you could throw The Commish? I guess I was wrong.
Gosh Will.
it is so great to date a guy who's grown up.
Who's secure with who he is.
who isn't emotionally needy.
Who owns a big ass yacht.
I don't know.
you are a pretty good judge of people.
You hated Dr.
Laura long before the rest of the world did.
- Okay.
taking these to go.
- What? Why? I'm not gonna let you do that thing where you chip away at a guy I'm dating.
I start to question and we break up and then I'm back to flirting with the manager at Blockbuster again.
I'm just trying to Just try to be happy for me okay.
that's what friends do.
Friends don'tjudge and friends don't criticize.
And most importantly friends do not let me leave the house Iooking like the little boy on the Cracker Jack box.
My God.
what the hell were you thinking? Will.
I need to see you for a moment.
Great.
I need to see you too.
- Can I get you anything else? - No thanks.
I'd like a Diet Coke.
no ice.
I'd like a date with Denzel.
but that's not gonna happen either.
Ben.
I'm in an awkward position here.
I know.
so I'm gonna make this easy for you.
This inappropriate behavior is gonna stop immediately before someone gets hurt.
Wow.
I couldn't agree more.
Good.
I'm glad we talked about this.
- Yeah.
so you'll stop.
- Why would I stop? I'm not the one representing Jack against our client.
Karen Walker.
No.
you're the one who's cheating on Grace.
- Is that what we're talking about? - Yeah.
Then why are we still holding hands? Will.
I really don't see where this thing with Grace is any of your business.
Really? Give me a second.
My boss plus my best friend divided by chippy on the table-- yeah.
that comes out to my business.
Check your math.
You work for my business.
A business which bills seven figures a year.
from Walker.
Inc.
So if you're gonna be representing anybody.
you're gonna be representing them.
- No.
I'm not.
- Yes.
you are.
- No.
I'm not.
- Yes.
you are.
No.
I'm not! You know.
it's kind of ironic.
between us.
and this is the way we argue.
- And yes.
you are! - No.
no.
no! Forget it.
You want to talk about conflict of interest.
that's one thing.
but I am not going down that road again where you pit me against one of my friends.
Will.
I hate to reopen an old discussion.
but yes.
you are! So basically.
you're taking my two best friends.
screwing over one of them and telling me I have to screw over the other.
It's amazing.
all this screwing.
you'd think somebody would be happy.
Here's your problem.
Will.
You've let your personal life interfere with your business life.
Now.
I take some responsibility here.
After all.
I am schtupping your best friend.
But you have to set boundaries.
You know what? You're absolutely right.
and I'm about to set a very big boundary.
I quit.
- No.
you don't.
- Oh.
yes.
I do.
Jack: There's something I need to tell you.
Mommy and Daddy.
well.
we've decided to live apart.
Now.
this doesn't mean we don't love you.
In fact.
it was because of you that we stayed together as long as we did.
But in this crazy.
mixed up world.
how long can a marriage between a Salvadoran maid and a West Village singer-actor-dancer-choreographer last? ( parrot squawks ) It's not your fault.
okay? It's not anyone's fault.
But.
Iet's face it.
Mommy's a whore.
Mommy cheated on Daddy and Mommy's going to hell.
Hey.
poodle.
What the hell are you doing here? Isn't it enough you destroyed me in arbitration today? You have to come and gloat over your victory? Oh.
Jack.
I wouldn't do that.
You know I can't hide anything from you.
You've got nothing.
nothing! ( laughs.
grunts ) Yeah.
Go ahead.
Iaugh.
Laugh at my pain.
but I'll be the one who laughs last.
- No.
you won't.
- No.
I won't.
Yeah.
but really.
is there anything I can do to make you feel better? You could apologize.
Oh.
I don't want to set a precedent.
but.
Iisten.
I'll tell you what I will do.
On your way out.
Security Guard is gonna frisk you to make sure you didn't take any silverware.
Hateful! I should haul you back to court for slander! Karen.
Who let you in? - Your butler.
- Huh.
you mean ex-butler.
Speaking of exes.
you know what's nice? Being your ex-lawyer.
Yeah.
not having to kiss your ass and pretend you're interesting is gonna free up a lot of my time.
I might even learn a language.
Honey.
if you look inside this bag.
I'm giving you a little sign language right now.
- Hey.
Jack.
- Oh.
hey.
Will.
hi.
I just want to thank you so much for your fine work at arbitration today.
Yeah.
it was so nice.
Oh.
wait a minute.
That wasn't you.
That was the opposing counsel.
I'm sorry.
I just have a lot on my mind and my life is in a very weird place right now.
Well.
Boo Radley-hoo.
Iady.
My freaking world is collapsing.
Then why did you bring a date to your divorce hearing? "I bored.
Yack.
Iet's go get a grape juith.
" - 'Nando is my rock.
- ( sighs ) And when we're at a better place.
I have stuff to tell you.
It's like the man does not have hamstrings.
But back to the point.
I am out on the street and it's all your fault! I'm sorry.
children.
I don't want you to see Daddy cry.
- ( parrot squawks ) - ( Jack crying ) Jack.
I'm sorry.
How can I help? What can I do? Can two gay men share an apartment without driving each other crazy? - ( parrot squawks ) - ( dog barks ) Probably not.
You know.
it's not the Four Seasons.
but since life has given me lemons.
I will drink your lemonade.
With crushed ice.
please.
Okay.
time to lay down a few ground rules.
Ooh, good idea.
First rule.
if the pad's rocking.
don't come a'knocking.
That's a good rule.
but I was thinking more like.
you take your bags and your menagerie.
Laura.
and take them into the back room.
and I won't smother you in your sleep.
Still waiting on that limonada.
Well.
while you're waiting.
just make sure that Claus doesn't make a urinada on the floor.
- I gotta go talk to Grace.
- Oh.
Will.
Iook.
quick thought.
The back bedroom's kinda small.
How about every six months we switch rooms? Hey.
how about every two months.
you and the bird switch heads? - Hi.
Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
Is this too sexy for the symphony? - Uh.
probably.
- Good.
Be a shame if the only overture I got tonight was from Gustav Mahler.
- Get it? Classical humor.
- Yeah.
it was very good.
Somewhere.
Beverly Sills is chortling into her cleavage.
Look.
there was something I was trying to say yesterday.
and I didn't and I think I should say it now.
Sounds important.
It is.
so I'm just gonna say it.
I know you like Ben.
but he's not the guy you think he is.
Sweetie.
he's cheating on you.
He's seeing someone else.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You ready to go? - Uh-huh.
You look beautiful.
( kissing ) I'm gonna find a vase and put these in some water.
Ooh.
Will.
I am getting a lot of stuff.
If you'd like.
Iater.
I can sit with you and teach you some calming pranayama.
- You were saying? - Ben's seeing someone else.
which may not have quite the impact I thought it would a moment ago.
Oh.
yeah.
you mean that chick with the Macy Gray hair? So.
you're okay with this? Sure.
why wouldn't I be? Well.
because he's seeing someone else! And so am l.
and so is Josh-- some girl with armpit hair.
named-- ugh.
what is it again? Hon.
what's her name again? Pond? River? - Ocean.
- Ocean.
God.
the guys I'm dating date such losers.
Okay.
who are you? You're dating two guys.
and they are seeing other people.
This is not your life.
You're not gay or French.
I know.
isn't it great? I'm naughty.
I'm dating two guys at the same time.
My mother would so not approve.
I can't wait to tell her.
Well.
that's-- that's great.
I-- I just quit my job over this.
but that's great.
- What? - I quit my job! Oh my God.
no! No.
you can't! Hey, we better get going.
My electric car only has Look.
this is just a huge misunderstanding.
I'll talk to Ben and I'll straighten the whole thing out.
Come on.
honey.
Tick-tock.
Okay.
we'll work this out.
You worry about me too much.
mister.
So.
you sound tall.
How tall are ya? I don't know, six t-- is Will there? Jack! Alex.
I've not forgotten about our date.
I'm running a little bit behind.
but I will definitely-- Is that guy living with you? - Yeah! - No! It's a long story.
You know what? I think I'm done with your long stories.
In fact, l-- I think I'm done with you.
No.
no.
Alex.
come-- don't hang up.
Don't t-- Goodbye.
I blew it.
I'm sorry.
I know you're hurting.
buddy.
Thank God I'm here.
He sounded cute.
You think he'd like me? Uh.
that was insensitive.
I'm sorry.
You probably need a couple hours to mourn.
Remember.
black is slimming.
Okay.
we plugged the car into a Chinese restaurant so I can give you five more minutes.
Are you okay? I don't know.
Let's ask the Lifestyle section.
huh? Love life.
gone.
Job got in the way.
Job.
gone.
Friend got in the way.
Health.
something's in the way.
I may have to borrow some of that bran.
And friends Okay.
okay.
I get it.
And I'm so sorry 'cause I know a lot of this is my fault.
but-- but trust me.
I will make it better.
I don't think so.
I-- I don't think you can.
I think this is something I need to fix myself.
What are you talking about? We don't fix ourselves.
That's not what we do.
I fix you.
you fix me.
So.
this is what we're gonna do.
Tomorrow.
it's all about Krispy Kremes.
blender drinks and more Krispy Kremes.
So.
by the time we're fighting over the last honey glaze.
everything will seem so much better.
No.
it won't.
I don't think a sugar buzz.
a morning drunk and a stomach ache is gonna do the trick this time.
I need a change.
I-- I need something different.
You always say that.
and you're always wrong.
Trust me.
I will take care of everything.
( Will sighs ) I got to go.
but everything is gonna be okay.
Right? - Sure.
- Sure.
I'll see you later.
( shower running ) Sorry I'm late.
A horrible thing happened on the way from the donut place-- three and half of 'em disappeared.
Make that four.
What are you yammering about? I wasn't yammering to you.
Erykah Ba-don't.
I was yammering to Will.
Well.
you're gonna have to yammer a whole lot louder.
Will's gone.
Left on a jet plane.
- What? - Yeah.
she's exhausted.
Her life.
Iike her hair.
had become unmanageable.
- Where did he go? - Uh, some island.
I couldn't really make it out.
I was in there watching the "Creek.
" But-- but he-- no.
no.
No.
no.
he would never leave without telling me.
We didn't do the chicken dance so the plane wouldn't crash.
No.
he would never do that.
That would be totally unlike him.
Well.
maybe that's why he did it.
But he-- oh my God.
And since this is my apartment now.
we have a few new ground rules.
Rule number one.
if the pad's rocking.
don't come a knocking.
And rule number two.
the pad will always be rocking.
Okay? Will's voice: Day one.
What have I done? I quit myjob, I left my home, my friends.
I'm all alone in the middle ofnowhere.
This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever done.
I kick ass.
This is fantastic.
And the best part is, no one can reach me, no one can bother me.
- Phone call.
Will Truman.
- What? Hello? Ben.
how did you-- never mind.
I-- No.
I am not coming back.
I quit.
Leave me alone.
Thank you.
Okay, people can reach me.
But still, this feeling ofremoteness is exhilarating.
I'm experiencing for the first time what it means to be completely alone.
And you know what? I think I like it.
- It's rude to hang up on people.
- Ahh! What the hell are you doing here? I didn't hear Tattoo announce you.
- How did you find me? - I'm me.
I can find people.
I hope you like piña coladas.
Me.
I like getting caught in the rain.
I don't care if you like making love at midnight.
I'm not coming back.
Coming back? What makes you think I even want you back.
- You just said so on the phone.
- Hear me out.
We have a client who is in a bit of a dicey tax situation.
and-- - mm.
mm.
mm.
- What? It's not for you.
It's for me.
He wants to start an offshore company.
- and this is as good a place as any.
- Forget it.
Come on.
it wouldn't even be like work.
Couple of hours a day.
the rest of the time you work on your tan.
write in your journal.
meet guys.
There's a place down the road called the Rasta Fairy lnn.
I'm assuming that's for you.
And the whole tab is paid for by me.
Ben.
forget it.
You're wasting your breath.
And by the way.
the Rasta Fairy lnn is not a gay bar.
It's a head shop.
I already checked.
Come on.
Truman.
what's it gonna take? I know there's something out there I can give you.
- Come on.
name it.
- No.
- Ask for anything.
- No.
- Whatever it takes.
- No.
- Piss me off.
- Make me partner.
You're pissing me off now.
Truman.
Nobody makes partner after six months.
And I want that corner office.
the one that Steve has.
Kick him out.
He's homophobic and he smells like gin and Hai Karate.
I want my name on the letterhead.
prettier numbers on my paycheck.
and a no dancing policy on my conference table.
Where the hell do you get off asking for all this? I know you.
Ben.
I know you'd never come down here unless you couldn't do this without me.
So.
the way I see it.
you've got two choices.
You can either give me what I want.
or you can take a plane home.
You know.
you can be a real jerk when you want to be.
Truman.
I knew I liked you.
Deal.
Oh.
one more thing.
when I get back.
when ever that may be.
I'd like Mrs.
Freemen to treat me a little more politely.
Will.
there are limits to what I can do.
Have a nice vacation - I'll take that drink now.
- No.
you won't.
Yo! Grace: Look at this.
Janet Eisenberg.
33.
and David Bromberg.
It is the second marriage for both.
Can you believe that? Uh.
I really don't follow straight society.
Come on.
Jack.
it's Sunday morning.
We're supposed to go through the paper.
You comment on what I read.
and then I will comment on what you read.
Okay.
got a little bit of a problem here.
See.
you're trying to make me Will.
and I'm trying to make you disappear.
How about we compromise.
and you make me scrambled eggs? Jack.
Iook where my foot is.
I could scramble a couple eggs from here.
Oh.
Grace.
I'm not like the other men in your life.
I will hit you.
Bring it on.
Nancy.
You don't scare me.
I'll pull your hair.
Do whatever you want.
'cause today I'm handing out lollipops and ass whoppings.
and I'm all out of lollipops.
- I miss Will.
- I do too.
I can't believe things were so bad that he had to leave.
I just hope he finds what he's looking for.
Do you think he left because of me? Yes.
I do.
You know what.
Iets just Iets just try to be really supportive of one another okay.
Sure.
Is there anything you need from me right now? No I'm okay.
Oh.
I guess I'm -- is there anything you need from me? Yeah.
just your keys.
I don't really like you walking in and out all the time.
May I help you? - Hello.
I'm Will Truman.
the attorney.
I have a 10:00 appointment.
The Mister is not feeling well.
We told him goat does not agree with everybody.
- But the Missus is right over there.
- Thank you.
Good morning.
Well.
well.
well.
and they say fruit doesn't travel.
If anyone's hungry.
I made BLTs.