3rd Rock from the Sun s02e24 Episode Script

What happened? What did you do? Dick, he touched it! What the heck is going on here? You almost made me spill my Joe.
That noise, don-- what is it? All right, everyone, there's no need to panic.
This has been a test of the emergency broadcast system.
- Why? Is there an emergency? - No.
This has only been a test.
Had this been an actual emergency, you would have been instructed on where to go in your area for shelter.
- Shelter from what? - Bombs.
To interrupt a program of this quality under the guise of national security is preposterous! Ooh, look.
It's back on.
Hmm, x-files.
Never really got it.
I know.
It's so inaccurate.
Say, Sally, how's about tomorrow night I buy you the biggest steak in town? How's about you throw in a baked potato? How's about you wear that red dress? - How's about you pick me up at 8:00? - How's about I come early? How's about you let us watch our show? Oh, look at this.
I bet they break the genetic code and realize Scully's been implanted by the smokin' guy.
Oh, look at that! The alien just put a probe in that guy's ear.
Everybody knows you can't get a brain scan through the ear.
You got to go through the butt.
You know, I bet I could write a killer x-files.
I could write one in my sleep.
- I could write one hanging upside-down.
- I could write one with crayon.
I could write one if I lost both my arms and had to type with my feet.
- I could write one-- - I want to watch one! Why don't you shut up and go write one? Fine, then.
We will.
Come on, Harry.
- Yeah, come on.
- Good! And when it's on TV, I'll talk all through the damn thing, see how you like it! Someone should take the probe out of his butt.
So sad when a colleague leaves.
You know, you really feel as though a part of yourself-- so, Sonja, it's a shame we didn't have time to get to know each other better.
Uh, yes, 15 years goes by rather quickly, doesn't it? Yeah.
So, uh Why'd you decide to take that job at Columbia? Um, well, my mind was made up once I found out that they had the only unpublished collection of the early geometry writings of nicolai lobachevsky.
That would be my major reason for relocating.
- Can we take more than one? - Oh, take as much as you want.
Nobody's gonna show up to this thing.
You two should be ashamed of yourselves.
Poor Sonja umdahl has wasted years of her life in this stuffy, mildewed book mausoleum.
The least you could do is wish her well.
Yeah! Shame on you! Uh, good-bye, Sonja.
Well, she doesn't have many friends, does she? No, she's just shy and introverted, weird.
Go introduce yourself.
Oh, no, Mary! Some of the students said that she has spiders in her hair! Get over there! Ah! Morgan's physical basis of heredity.
It's a quick read, although I did find the footnotes intrusive.
- Me too.
- Dick Solomon, physics department.
Sonja umdahl.
I knew you two would get along! Well, thanks for coming.
And staying.
- So, uh, let's go.
- No, no, no, no.
I got an idea.
Let's do this right.
Sonja, why don't you come over to my house tonight, say, uh, 7:00, and we'll fix a going-away dinner for you.
- I'll bring dessert.
- Great! Well, um-- hi, uh, excuse me.
I'm looking for somebody, a big, strapping guy, handsome.
- He's a cop.
- Hi.
- Here I am.
- Good for you.
I'm looking for somebody.
Sally? It's me, don.
Don? Did you shave your mustache? I never had a mustache.
Are you wearing contacts? No, Sally, I'm wearing my glasses.
- Are they new? - Not since eighth grade.
- In strictly quantum terms.
- Of course.
And just like you can have quarks and anti-quarks-- and neutrinos and anti-neutrinos.
Wait a minute.
Isn't a neutrino a breakfast bar? You were saying? You can actually have a particle that doesn't have a counterpart-- but is an energy all to itself - which exist simultaneously as its own opposite.
- Right.
- The photon! - Yes! Oh, Dr.
Solomon! - You are a fountain of knowledge.
- And you Are a puddle of smartness.
Okay, that's it.
Party's over.
Drive her home.
Mary, it's so early.
I wanted to hear Sonja's thoughts on refraction.
Well, I'm sure it wouldn't be that interesting.
Oh, Sonja, I'm sure it's fascinating, but I'd rather go to bed.
So have a nice flight, drive, life, whatever.
I'm so glad we met.
And I'm so glad you don't have spiders in your hair.
Okay, Harry, the first scene is critical.
We have to hook the viewers with something exciting.
How about a picnic? - Picnics aren't exciting.
- I've been to some exciting picnics.
We need something to get the juices flowing.
Maybe we should just start with a fight.
Ooh! I bet that might just work.
"Scully And mulder At a picnic.
" - Good morning.
- Yes, isn't it? The air is crisp.
Dew is on-- where the hell have you been? I took Sonja home, and we were having so much fun that I spent the night.
- Did you have sex with her? - No! I only do that with you! And sometimes farrah fawcett in my head.
Mary, all we wanted to do was talk.
A man and a woman cannot connect intellectually without eventually connecting with their connectors.
Are you saying that just because Sonja and I share the same intellectual interests, we're destined to share the same bed? - Yes.
- But that's ridiculous! Sonja's far too intelligent to have sex with me.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Nina, do you have many men friends? - Oh, yeah, lots.
- And they're just friends? You don't you know.
Then, no.
I think Sonja umdahl likes dick.
So? A man would have to be a lunatic to be attracted to that woman.
- Uh-oh.
- Oh, no, Nina.
I trust dick, I really do, but There's something about that woman that bothers me.
- Want to know what I heard? - What? Sometimes if you peek through the library window - and she doesn't know you're looking, - yeah? You can catch her with snakes moving all over her head.
Just moving all over her head.
Snakes and mo-- oh, and then I rinse and then I repeat and then I rinse and then I'm done.
Oh, hello, Sonja.
I thought you moved.
Um, soon, soon.
I'm just tying up dead ends.
Great.
I, uh, understand you and dick had an interesting conversation last night.
- Oh, he told you? - Dick tells me everything.
Uh, what she needs to know is, are you after dick Solomon, yes or no? Oh, my God! Is that what you think? That I want your boyfriend? Uh, yeah.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I never should have kept talking, boring him with my thoughts.
Please forgive me.
You're the only friend I have.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I'm still your friend.
- So's dick.
- 'Kay.
Do you want to go get a cup of coffee? No, I'll just stay here for a moment.
I have to get my thoughts together.
Oh, oh, okay, honey.
I hope you're happy! You made her cry! Hello, Professor.
Sonja, I thought you left.
I couldn't leave, Dr.
Solomon.
I couldn't leave you.
Oh, I'll be all right.
You can pretend all you want, Professor, but Sonja sees through your little char-r-Ade.
- Take me! - Sonja, I can't do this with you! This is what Mary is for.
Ah, come on! Do you mean to tell me you always talk calculus with women you're not attracted to? Now, Sonja is itchy! Scratch her! Dick, I just want you to know I spoke with Sonja today.
- You did? I didn't.
- She considers us to be just good friends-- that's all she wants.
Then why did she try to do unspeakable things to me? - What? - Right here on this desk! Things that only you do! Not nearly often enough.
- I can't believe it! - Believe it, Mary.
She wants me! And not just my mind.
She wants my body, my beautiful body! I can't believe that woman stood in my office and lied to me! But I resisted her, Mary.
I told her I wasn't interested in her that way.
- I should hope so! - I told her to get right out of our office.
Good for you! - And I promised to see her tonight.
- What? - It was the only way I could get rid of her.
- The only way? Did you try a fire hose? No, but I did tell her to put her blouse back on.
That was quick thinking, right? You know, I'm beginning to wonder if you're as committed to this relationship as I am.
Look, tonight I'm gonna tell her I can't see her anymore.
Good, 'cause it's either me Or the spider woman.
Oh! I'm the devil's candy! Sally? Yeah? I been thinking about what happened last night.
Well, here's what I'm thinking.
I'm thinking I'm a starving woman, and you're the blue-plate special at the beef 'n' griddle.
You had me worried.
I thought we took the midnight train to splits-ville.
Well, we may have crossed signals at the last junction, but now we're back on track.
All aboard.
Whoo, whoo.
Okay, they run down the hallway-- - a government agent is waiting.
- He shoots.
- His hits the agent-- - but he's wearing a bulletproof vest.
- Mulder runs.
- The agent follows.
- He traps mulder in the hallway.
- He kills mulder! - You're brilliant.
- Oh, thank you.
And you're a genius.
- True, but you're the best.
- Back at you.
And you are super.
We're both great! All right, let's get that down.
Okay, buddy.
- What'd we say? - I don't remember.
Dr.
Solomon, I knew you'd come.
Sonja, I-I-- I have something to tell you.
You are a brilliant, beautiful, fascinating woman.
- Let's go to bed.
- All right.
No, no, no.
What I mean is, I'm sorry if I've misled you in any way, but my heart, my mind, and Mr.
wiggly all belong to Mary albright.
Oh, really? Then I have something to tell you, my darling, but my words would be hollow unless sung.
Please sit.
First there was Newton then there was Hawking who told of black holes and no one, not Einstein has made me feel as fine as Solomon's made me today I gotta go.
I did? - - oh, lord! - - please stop! on a dime Chiffon.
I know this sounds crass my mass - through time.
- Listen, Sonja, no.
Oh my God, we're skipping! Oh my God! Can't you see it's bigger than both of us? Well, thank you, but I-I feel-- I have to go home! I love walking in the rain.
It's fun.
Really? I found it tedious.
Maybe that's because I was with you.
Oh, don, this isn't working.
Yeah, I kinda got that vibe.
I'm sorry, don.
I'm sorry too.
Oh, look.
The sun came out.
Yeah, but not for us.
Well, good bye, Sally.
It was nice While it lasted.
Good bye, don.
Hold on a minute there, big guy! Maybe I've, uh, been a little hasty.
Freeze! I may not have officially made detective yet, but I think I've figured out what's going on here.
You're not in love with me.
You're in love with the uniform.
Could you be right? Could my attraction to you be completely superficial? I'm afraid so.
What does this mean for us, don? I'll tell you what it means.
It means you never see me out of uniform again.
Hot dog! And you know, I've got a hat too.
Wear it.
- Oh, it's you.
- Hello, Sonja.
I just spoke to dick.
I believe we have a problem.
I don't see your boyfriend wanting me as a problem.
Let's get down to business, shall we? - No! - Dick, I told you to wait in the car! I can't allow women to fight over me.
Not even if they're wearing bikinis in a big tub of mud! Mmm.
We're not going to fight.
Let's just settle this once and for all, shall we? Dick, are you interested in Sonja romantically? Well, she's very smart and very attractive-- - dick! - But no, Mary, I love you.
There you have it.
Game over.
The game's not over till I say it's over.
- Is the game over? - No.
Sonja, stay away from my man! He'll be mine soon.
Not while I'm still breathing.
Then I'll just have to stop you from breathing, won't I? Listen, um-- wait, wait-- hold it-- can't we please just be friends? Someone use a fist! I give! I give! Game over.
Let's go.
Oh! Oh, my God! Mary I am so turned on! Ah, my little tigress.
Once again I must tell you how magnificent you were.
I was pretty terrific, wasn't I? Dick, does Sonja have something I don't have? Oh, yes, a gargoyle door-knocker.
I mean, do I stimulate you enough intellectually? Oh, Mary.
- No.
- What? Nobody does.
But that's not what I want from you, Mary.
I want to hear about your day, what you had for lunch, why you got so mad at the dry cleaners, your charmingly misguided theories on evolution.
Your voice, Mary, I want to hear your beautiful voice.
- Thank you.
- Mary? What? You're hurting my hand.
Well, that's it-- two and a half pounds of x-files gold.
- Let's send it off.
- Pleasure working with you, my man.
- Effortless.
- Seamless.
You know, it's times like these it makes me proud to be an alien posing as a human being writer.
Times like these I wish I'd numbered the pages.