According To Jim s02e24 Episode Script

He's next door! Oh, okay.
Act natural.
Oh, hey, ladies.
Hey, Bob! Oh, my God.
Is it Tuesday already? Oh, shoot! It looks like we're out of water.
Would you be a dear and replace that for me? Sure thing.
Thanks.
I'll see you next week.
Uh-huh.
Mmm-hmm.
Good morning.
Oh, baby! Giddyup, giddyup, giddyup, come on! Giddyup, giddyup! I'm going, I'm going.
Mommy, Aunt Dana, are you watching? Yeah.
You bet.
- We're okay.
- We're fine.
Oh, it was just that ugly bowl Dana gave us.
Oh, right now it's a beautiful day.
Why don't you guys play outside? You know, why can't we tell you to go play outside? Because you know she'll never come back.
Jim? You really should come out here.
Oh, you can almost taste the sunshine! Yeah, I'm gonna go to the hardware store this afternoon.
You know what, we need lightbulbs.
I thought we bought a lot of What? What? What happened? What is this? The bird came down.
Right.
- And And it - And? And Uncle Andy killed him with his big fat head! My head's not big.
Oh, please! When you were a kid, we had to stitch two baseball hats together.
You think maybe someone could give me ice, a bandage, a family who loves me? Oh, honey.
I'll get you some ice.
Come on.
Wake up, wake up.
Daddy, do something! Oh, honey.
All right.
Well, it's too big to flush.
Cheryl, get a shovel.
What? Jim! What? Come on, the bird is dead.
What do you want, me to harvest the organs? Be a little more sensitive.
I'm being sensitive.
It's moving.
It's alive! I saved her.
I'm going to name her Daphne.
I want to get her a cage.
I'm going to feed her.
I'm going to play dress-up with her.
Uh, honey, honey, honey.
And This somebody else's pet.
We cannot keep the bird.
And I'll go to the park and I'll bring her to school, and I'll wear my green pants Sweetheart.
Sweetie, sweetie.
Whoever lost her must be very sad.
Don't you think we should help them get her back? No.
Gracie, I'm telling you right now, if that bird stays, I go.
Bye.
What am I supposed to do, Jim? She called my bluff.
Well, I guess it's goodbye.
Okay, come on.
We are not keeping that bird.
We're gonna make flyers and you're gonna put them up.
Yeah, why don't we put the first flyer on Andy's big fat head! My head's not that big! Oh, yeah? Charlie Brown would make fun of that head.
Stupid bird! Took me 11 years to train Jim.
I'm not doing it for you.
Hey, Cheryl Where's the fashion section? Right there.
And there.
And there.
Oh! I hate that bird! I don't like the way it looks at my hair, you know? Like it wants to move in.
Ugh! Tell me about it.
It chewed a hole in the couch and ripped open a pillow.
Thank God we don't have nice things.
Yeah.
Good news! Some woman just called.
She saw the flyer.
She's sending her husband right over.
Right now.
Oh.
Oh, thank God.
Whoa, whoa! Gracie, come down here! So how do you think we should play this with her? Well How about, if you love something, set it free, and then, you know, if it comes back, it's yours forever? That's interesting.
It's a load of crap.
You know what? It just might work with Gracie.
Yeah, yeah.
Good thing she's not the smart one.
- Yeah.
- Here, Daphne! Uh Oh.
Honey Sweetie Um, we found Daphne's mommy and daddy and they're coming to get her.
No! She loves me.
She wants to stay here with us.
Um Gracie, if you love something, set it free.
That's crap! I want my bird.
Listen, sweetie, we all love Daphne, and we wish she could stay.
Really.
And also we don't use that word.
Crap? Well, only Daddy uses it.
Look, honey, we'd really like you to keep Daphne, but, you know, the real owners might want it back.
How sweet.
How sweet! What a sweet angel! A squawking, terrifying angel.
So, sweetheart, are you gonna be a good girl and let the nice man take his bird? No.
Uh, don't you wanna do the right thing? No.
Do you wanna have candy ever again? Yes.
Okay then.
Oh.
Hi, I'm Sean Curran.
My wife sent me over to take a look at the bird.
Hey! Right.
Yes, yes.
We are so happy that you came.
There's your bird right there.
Right there.
Ah.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
That's not my bird.
Okay.
What? - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Wait, wait, wait.
No, no, no, no, that's your bird.
I know that's gotta be your bird! Yeah.
I mean, it's the same bird Jim drew on this flyer.
Look.
Yes.
Now I know why no one called about the dog.
Well, that's not my bird.
Our bird is different.
- What? - How is it different? It's not this one.
Oh.
Wait, wait, wait.
Come on.
Come on, you gotta take this bird.
I'll make it worth your while.
You like pickles? Pickles? That was my first offer.
I was waiting for a counter.
This means I can keep her, right, Daddy? You said I can keep her.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I I said only if we didn't find the real owners.
Yeah.
But there's someone else coming.
- There is? - There is? Yes, this afternoon.
And if it's not their bird, you can keep Daphne forever.
Yay! Who is it? I don't know.
I'll tell you when I think of it.
What? Oh Gracie, get it off me! It's chewing on my hair! Think we should go up there and help her? I'm not going up there.
Yeah, her hair grows fast.
Yeah.
Oh.
That must be Daphne's long-lost "owner.
" Oh, honey.
I don't think I can go through with this.
I mean, we're lying to our own daughter.
We already lied to her.
Everybody knows you can't fix a lie with the truth.
Yeah, but, I mean, those were little white lies, and this is like a great big green hairy one.
- Fine.
- I'll go tell him to forget it.
It's rubbing on my Buzz Lightyear! Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
Hello, there.
I'm here for Uh, save it, Kenny.
All right.
Gracie? Daphne's daddy's here! Honey, honey? Yeah? You got Kenny from work? Yeah.
So what? Isn't he a little dim? No, he's a genius I pay eight bucks an hour to clean up.
Hi, honey.
Hi! Hello, there.
I'm here for Yeah, yeah.
The bird, the bird, the bird.
This one here.
Right here.
See? Oh.
That's her.
Oh, yes! Look.
Great.
Well, perhaps a kiss from the missus and I'll be on my way.
I named her Daphne.
What do you call her? Oh.
Um I call her Cheryl.
That's my mom's name.
Oh.
I call her Gracie.
That's my name.
You don't know your own bird's name? Hey, I got a lot on my plate.
Oh.
Well, stranger, don't you think it's time you should move on? With your bird? Wow.
Jim, you didn't tell me it had a beak.
I thought that was implied when I said it was a bird! You know my daddy's name? - Oh - Oh.
No.
Um, it's written on his shirt.
Yeah.
That's says, "Chicago Bears.
" She can read? Yes.
Oh, man! That's it.
Game over, Jim.
Easy, easy, easy! I knew it wasn't your bird.
You're a big liar! All liars! I hate you! So, how'd I do? Not so good, Kenny.
Can I still have my pickles? Pickles are for closers! Gracie? Sweetie, let Mommy in.
No! All right.
Ruby, open the door.
I'm in here.
I don't like that bird.
Did she lock it? Yeah.
Oh, Jim, we shouldn't have done that.
Now she's never gonna trust us again.
Yeah, well, hindsight's always 24/7.
Look, I think you should take the fall for this one.
What? Come on.
I've been the bad guy the last four times.
You were the bad guy the last four times.
Really? Yes.
Well, would a bad guy know how to pick a lock? Yeah.
Aw.
Look at her.
With that little bird.
She looks like a tiny little Bond villain.
Yeah.
Oh, sweetie.
Oh, honey, we are so sorry.
It's just that that bird was driving us all crazy.
But you lied.
Yes, honey.
Sometimes parents do that because the truth is just harder and it takes more time.
Yeah.
And sometimes mommies and daddies make mistakes.
And lying to you was a big one.
Big.
Really? Yes.
So is Grandpa really sleeping? No.
No.
Is thunder really angels bowling? No.
Is Mommy really 29? Yes.
That Dagwood! Oh, the guy's got a hot wife and all he can think about is giant sandwiches.
Yeah.
That would never happen in real life.
She's gone.
Daphne's gone! What? I went upstairs to get Daphne and the window was open and she's gone! You did it! You opened the window.
You hate her! I did not do that, honey.
I swear! Gracie! Cheryl! What? Leaving the window open? You didn't think she'd get that? Me? Andy hates that bird more than I do.
Andy? Please.
If I wanted that bird gone, it'd be deep-fried by now.
Besides, I seem to remember Dana leaving windows open before.
Dana? Oh, come on, you guys.
It's obvious.
This has the stink of Jim all over it! Wait a minute.
Wait a minute! Accusing the accuser? I invented that dodge! You know it was you, Dana.
You know All right, all right.
Stop it! Stop it! We're turning on each other.
Cheryl's right.
Don't you see it, guys? Don't you see it? This is exactly what Gracie wants.
She's trying to split us up so she can take us out one at a time.
Oh.
I wanna go look for Daphne.
All right, honey.
Well, just be back by dinner.
Oh, Jim! Sweetie, maybe Daphne went to the park.
Why don't you and Daddy go look together? Come on, Daddy.
Hurry! All right, all right.
Sweetie, I'm right behind you.
Andy.
Andy, come on.
You're coming with me.
Why do I have to go? This is a complete waste of time.
You know we'll never find that bird.
Andy, I went bar-hopping with you knowing full well you wouldn't find a woman.
Daphne! Daphne! Daphne.
Damn! I do love the park.
Beautiful day, fluffy cloud of cotton candy, all the college kids playing frisbee.
Dude, hit me high.
Right in my bird lump.
Daphne! Daphne! Daphne.
Where is she, Daddy? Oh, Gracie, I don't know.
Come here, baby.
Come over here.
You know what? We've been looking for a whole hour.
I don't think Daphne's here.
I mean, for all we know, she could be in Mexico right now.
Mexico? - Oh, yeah.
- Birds love Mexico.
It's sunny and warm and they've got peanut butter waterfalls.
Birdseed beaches.
Okay, that's not quite the truth.
But, if she's there, and I think she is, I'm sure she's having a good time.
Psst.
- What do you say we go home? - Psst! - Yeah.
- All right.
Psst.
Jim.
What? B-I-R-D-A-T-C-I-X-O, apostrophe, C-L-O-C-K.
Want to have sex with a clock? Gracie, why don't you count the grass between here and the rock? And I'll give you a nickel.
Oh, damn.
Moments away from a clean getaway.
I hate that bird! Hey.
I got an idea.
Okay, all I need is three dryer sheets, a gallon of chocolate milk and a beekeeper's hat.
What do you say we just walk this way and maybe Gracie will follow us? Well, if you wanna think inside the box, sure.
Wait.
What? I can't lie to Gracie again.
What? I can't go.
Jim! You're gonna be stuck with that bird forever.
They live longer than people, you know.
I know.
But look at her.
I can't hurt her again.
This is my daughter.
Yeah.
Man! I hope one day I'm as good a dad as you are.
Ow! Damn you, kids! I'm gonna rip out your arms and beat you with them.
Oh, yeah.
You'd better run.
Hey, Gracie, look! Daphne, right there.
Daphne! Daphne! Oh, don't scare her.
You're She's in this tree! Go get her, quick! I was afraid that was gonna be next.
Hurry, Daddy.
She'll get away! I'm hurrying.
I'm hurrying.
It's just been a long time since I've climbed a tree, sober.
Hey, birdie.
Okay, baby.
Okay, take it easy now.
That's it, Daphne.
Okay.
Come here.
Nice and easy.
Come on.
Come here, you stupid little bird.
Come on.
Come on.
Come over here for a minute! Come here, Daphne.
I love you.
Let's go home.
Oh, Daphne, I would never be mad at you.
Whose croquet ball? Gracie? I guess I'm gonna miss the Chicago Marathon again this year.
Oh, I'm not doing it alone.
So I guess I'm out, too.
You guys have the worst luck with that.
I know.
All right, Jim, here's your ice pack.
Oh, could you put it under my tailbone? Yeah.
Life's too short.
I can't believe it.
Why couldn't a kitty have flown into your head? I like kitties.
Ow! Look at yourself.
You're losing it.
We're playing right into Gracie's hands.
Oh.
Oh, get off it.
Look, Gracie's happy.
And if she gets bored of the bird in a week, - Dana can open the window again.
- Hmm.
I told you.
It wasn't me.
Oh, please.
Mmm-hmm.
Well, somebody opened the window.
It didn't just open itself.
I hate that bird! Oh, I'd yell at her but my heart wouldn't be in it.
Hello? Uh, yeah? I'm Ginger Curran, and I believe you met my husband Sean.
Oh, yes.
Hi! Hi.
You still have that bird? Yeah.
Yeah, we do.
Gracie, would you bring Daphne down, please? Oh, I thought it wasn't your bird? I know, I know.
But my wife's thinking about spending $2000 on another bird.
So, I just Where's the bird? Gracie Oh! Georgie! That's my Georgie! But it's not Georgie.
It's Daphne.
Oh, sweetie, come here.
Come here.
Oh, honey! I know you took really good care of that bird.
Oh, my little Georgie! I'll never let you out of my sight again.
Do I have to give her back? Yes.
Yeah.
Mommy, can I say goodbye to Daphne? Oh! Sure, sweetie.
There you go.
Oh, Daphne, I love you.
I don't want you to go.
So, we're going to Mexico.
Don't worry.
She doesn't have a passport.
Jim, bird's in the tree.
Would you come out here? Ugh! I hate that bird.
Yeah.
Hey.
Hey.
What's up? Bird's gone again.
No! You seen it? No.
Come to think of it, I haven't seen Gracie in a few days either.
Aren't grown-ups stupid?