Black-ish (2014) s02e24 Episode Script

1 Dre: Lately, there have been some changes around the Johnson household.
Dre: Babe.
- [Grunts.]
- Ah, hey, baby.
Yeah, hey.
I've been thinking, you know, with you being pregnant, maybe you should take it easy, focus on you and my baby.
Why you keep saying "my," Dre? You know we haven't gotten the swab back yet.
You know I do not like it when you make that joke because the subtext is you're cheating on me.
- Subtext? - I I was going to say maybe you should take some time off because you worked so hard during all of your other pregnancies.
Well, that's really sweet, but can we afford it? We'll figure it out.
I'm pretty sure the layoffs at work are behind us.
Oh.
Well, this brings me great sadness to do this, especially since you grabbed me this delicious Egg McMuffin on your drive into work, but I really have no choice.
Lucy we're laying you off.
What? S-Seriously? Oh, my oh, my God.
Okay, that was a big lie.
- [Laughs.]
- Whew! [Laughs.]
God, you got me going.
Good one.
It, uh, it didn't bring me great sadness, but you are still laid off.
That part was true.
Dre: What the hell is going on? - I thought the layoffs were over.
- Stevens: Oh, no, no, no.
The tighter the ship, the bigger the profits.
Besides, Daphne really hates Lucy.
What?! We're getting our nails done together at lunch.
Well, that's gonna be awkward.
Now, turning to Charlie.
So, that's what's up? You brought me back here so you can fire me? You think by telling me in front of all these people, you think I ain't gonna make a scene? All I got left is my God and my goatee! Aaah! Hey, Charlie! [Grunts.]
No.
Charlie.
[Grunts.]
Calm down, Charlie! Aah! Oh, no, no, no.
Ugh.
Aaah! Charlie, you are not fired, okay?! I was actually gonna say good job on the Forever 21 campaign.
Actually, that was me.
Oh, that was a good job.
I've seen it everywhere.
On buses, schools.
It's all over the place.
Really nice work there, Lucy.
Okay.
Well, now that that is taken care of, it is time for birthday announcements.
Oh, well, looks like we're not just celebrating Lucy's last day.
Happy bir Come on.
Come on, guys, help me out.
Happy scootchies Happy birthday Jo-Josh, I was just fired, okay? Oh.
Um I-I'm sorry.
I'll ju I'll just No, you don't have to So slow.
Oh, for God No, no, make a wish! - Make a wish! - [Cheering.]
And sometimes, change isn't great That's yummy.
Especially if you're Lucy.
It makes you wonder who's next.
Do you want a corner? No, no, no, I want the corner.
Give her something in the middle.
Hey, baby, how was your day? Uh, not good.
I actually had to s Good.
Listen, you're never going to believe what happened to me at my doctor's appointment.
Dr.
Gonzales told me that I have a geriatric womb.
Uh, to your face? Told me that I'm of advanced maternal age.
- To your face?! - Yes.
Oh, baby, come here.
It was awful.
Relax, baby.
Just means your wife's uterus is old.
What? Thank you, Ruby.
Like "Antique Road Show" old.
Like probably watches "Murder, She Wrote" and has a landline old! Mama! We get it.
- [Laughs.]
- Pops: That's crazy.
Look at her.
She is a beautiful, vibrant, curvy, vivacious young woman.
Hey, hey, pump your brakes, Pops.
Not only is this my wife but she is asleep.
Bow! [Claps hands.]
Huh? Oh, my God.
I'm so exhausted.
Dre, m-maybe I should take that time off.
Really? Well I think you taking some time off is a good idea, sweetheart.
And stand-up move on your part, son, letting your wife kick her feet up while you hold your family down like a man.
Mm-hmm.
I agree.
Her body obviously needs rest.
Well Look at her.
She's falling apart.
- Okay.
- Listen here, son.
There's a good chance I may have to carry this baby, and I'm willing to do it.
The doctors say I have the uterus of a 16-year-old Latina.
- [Laughs.]
- Uh Diane: Mmm, smells good, Grandma.
Mmm, what's on the menu? Well, it's Ruby Tuesday, so you know what that means.
Another gravy-heavy experience.
Dad, you need to make the down payment for my summer trip abroad.
And we need new bow and arrows for "Hunger Games" camp.
We're sending them to "Hunger Games" camp? Isn't that ex violent? I don't know, and I don't care.
All I know is they take them away for two weeks and I don't see them.
[Chuckles.]
That's a lucky baby in that dusty womb of yours.
Oh, and don't forget my deposit for summer school.
Didn't you get straight A's? Yeah, but this is Advanced Summer Wizardry.
My sorcery coach says I might actually be a real wizard.
Zoey: Really? So, while everyone was excited about their time off from work and expensive summer plans, I decided to drown my worries in some biscuits and gravy and classic TV.
Announcer: Get cozy for an all-night marathon of your favorite '70s Chicago sitcom.
That's right.
Ain't we lucky we got 'em ? Every episode back to back.
Good times Reporter: There's been an alarming rise in the unemployment rate in the black community in Chicago, - hitting highs of 19%.
- [Audience cheers and applauds.]
- That ain't news.
- [Laughter.]
[Applause.]
- Hey, Thelma.
- Keith.
Baby, I'm so glad you're home.
I, uh I got something to show you.
Oh.
What's this, baby? It's a pregnancy test.
Man.
[Chuckles.]
Technology has come a long way.
[Laughter.]
Keith I'm pregnant.
[Audience gasps.]
Are you sure? Of course I'm sure.
This thing is 26% accurate 65% of the time.
[Laughter.]
Keith, how did we let this happen? Broke, living in the projects at my parents' house.
[Sighs.]
I'm just gonna be another statistic.
Hey, hey, hey, baby, I-I know you're scared.
Hell, I'm scared, too, and, no, you ain't gonna be no nother statistic.
Baby, I got my big football tryouts coming up, and, hey, when I do go pro, we're gonna get married.
And And I'm gonna have enough money to take care of everybody and buy a fancy car! Baby, I'm gonna be an NFL football player, and they don't ever go broke! - Huh?! - [Laughter.]
Oh, baby.
Oh, you make me feel so much better.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- And who knows? - Hmm? Maybe Daddy won't be mad.
[Junior scoffs.]
That don't sound right.
[Laughter.]
J.
J.
? [Cheers and applause.]
Uh, 'tis I.
[Applause.]
Didn't we tell you about eavesdropping? You told me, but I think it's safe to say I didn't give a damn.
[Laughter.]
Until we decide how we're gonna tell Daddy the news, you keep your big ol' mouth shut.
As long as you let me be there when you tell him.
I ain't never painted a murder scene before.
[Cheers and applause.]
Damn! You ain't gonna believe what happened to me today.
You got your paycheck cut in half? They doubled your workload? The cops hassled you on the way home? No, I found a really good parking spot in front of the building.
Man, you people have an incredibly fatalistic outlook on life.
Hey, Mrs.
Evans.
Hey, Michael.
Hey, what's going on? I just left the principal's office.
Apparently, your son staged a walk-out for the school lunch monitors.
They got us down there busing tables and washing trays for cheap.
Then tell them what happened.
Julio and his cousin Julio said that they'd do our job for half the pay.
What?! If he thinks that Mexicans are gonna come do the dirty work that black folks do for less money, he's got another thing coming.
- Mm-hmm.
- [Laughter.]
Hey, hey.
You keep fighting for the people like you are, man, you might just become our first black president.
Yeah, but not in these United States of America.
Oh, unh-unh.
No, 'cause that ain't never gonna happen.
Not ever, ever.
Ever, ever, ever, ever! [Laughter.]
Ruby: Now he's got no job.
I had to leave mine early and walk 30 blocks to get him from school.
Got attacked by a dog.
Would've lost my big toe had the sugar not already taken it.
- Mm! - [Laughter.]
Oh, well.
Tomorrow's gonna be a better day.
Tomorrow might be a better day, but not nine months from now.
Hey.
Be cool, fool.
I am cool.
She's the one in heat.
Oh, thank goodness for you, baby girl.
Once you finish college, you're gonna make everything right for this family.
I disagree.
[Laughter.]
Sorry.
I don't know why I said that.
Even though she's my daughter, I feel much more of a kinship with Keith.
Oh.
Thank you, Mrs.
Evans.
No, baby, call me Mama.
Well, Mama, I - Unh-unh.
- Oh.
You call me Mrs.
Evans.
[Laughter.]
Uh-oh.
Almost forgot my evening turtleneck in the dryer.
I got me a hot blind date with a fine young tender.
I think it's safe to assume that all your dates are blind, J.
J.
[Cheers and applause.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, Wilona.
Hey, Penny.
Hey, J.
J.
Sorry we're late.
Everybody's late around here.
[Laughter.]
How can you be late? You weren't invited.
Nice to see you, too, friend.
Julio told me that Julio and Julio stole your job.
Penny, be nice.
That was me being nice.
[Laughter.]
Are we here in time for gravy? Can't, Penny.
Fresh out of gravy.
Just add more water, Mama.
Can't.
- Fresh out of water.
- What? I thought Bookman fixed it.
[Grunts.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Almost fixed.
12 to 14 hours, and we'll be halfway there.
[Laughter.]
Boy, what the hell happened to your shirt? Apparently, Bookman fixed the dryer.
So, you want wet water and a less dry dryer? You people are so demanding.
[Laughter.]
Pregnancy test? [Audience "Oohs".]
You have to take a test to get pregnant? No, it's a test to see if you are pregnant.
Really? This tiny little thing? - [Laughter.]
- Well, whose is it? Well, don't look at me.
[Scoffs.]
Don't look at me.
Don't look at me.
Ain't nobody looking at you, woman! [Laughter.]
Mama Daddy[sighs.]
I'm pregnant.
Oh, Thelma! I'm gonna need more red paint.
White Jesus, white Jesus! Why have thou forsaken me? How did this happen? More importantly, where did this happen? Because there is clearly only one bed in here that we all sleep in.
Okay, everything is going to be fine.
Boy, do you have the slightest idea what it means to have a child? Did you even consider the cost? The diapers, the formula, the medical bi shots.
We'll skip the shots.
We skipped the shots with J.
J.
! We'll need the shots.
We need the shots.
We already got 82 people living in this house.
We don't need an 83rd, no matter how small.
And with our luck, it'll have Thelma's appetite and face.
Hey, J.
J, can I rap to you outside for a second? - Oh, sure.
- Oh, all right.
Hey, man, I was thinking.
Once Thelma gives birth to this baby All right, look, everybody, I will be able to take care of Thelma and the baby forever.
The NFL takes care of its players long after they retire.
Hey, Florida.
James, it's midnight.
You're home from work early.
Aw, they wouldn't let me work a quadruple shift.
[Smooches.]
Say, what's with all the empty photo albums? Oh, I was just sitting here imagining what our old wedding photos would've looked like if we could've afforded a camera.
[Laughs.]
Look at you, James.
- Look here.
- Look at me.
You remember how nervous you were when we found out we were expecting a child? - Ooh! - [Both laugh.]
Just like Keith, you had all the hopes and dreams in the world.
I was never like Keith.
No, I had hopes and dreams and four jobs.
[Chuckles.]
Hopes and dreams don't feed a family.
Nobody ever asked for a second helping of hopes and dreams.
James, where you going? Well, where do you think I'm going, Florida? I'm going to work.
[Telephone rings.]
Hello? J.
J.
, some lady for you.
[Laughter.]
[Clears throat.]
Uh, chello? [Laughter.]
Oh, hey, baby.
Keith, how did it go? How were tryouts? Dre: Should've seen me, Thelma.
I took the snap, and I ran a sweep to the left and scampered a few yards, I came up short, then boom, I turned it to the right, I took it to the house! [Chuckles.]
It went really well, guys.
See, James? I told you Keith was gonna be able to take care of our little girl.
Yeah, well, we'll see about that.
I knew everything was gonna be all right.
Keith is gonna be the next O.
J.
Simpson.
God willing.
Oh, yeah.
God willing.
[Laughter.]
I'll finish dinner.
Afterwards, we're gonna try this thing I heard about called dessert.
What's that? Well, it's a little meal white folks have after dinner.
Like breakfast? Yeah, but But sweet.
Sweet breakfast? Yeah, but at night.
- Ah.
- Mm-hmm.
- Sweet night breakfast.
- Mm-hmm.
Like sugar eggs.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[Audience gasps.]
[Groans.]
That don't look good.
- Surprise! - Surprise! Florida: It's the man of the hour! What are we celebrating? You, babe, and your success.
Now, we know this is mystery meat, baby, but when you make it to the pros, you're gonna be eating the finer things of life, [Chuckles.]
like imitation crab.
- [Chuckles.]
- Bookman: Or fresh fruit.
One of these days, I'm gonna have me a strawberry.
Hey, you guys, I've got some good news myself.
I am not gonna finish college.
Florida: What, Thelma? No, come on.
I don't even think I need a degree, with you getting drafted by the Houston Oilers.
I mean, that franchise is gonna be around forever.
[Laughter.]
[Door closes.]
Hey, Dad, where you been? Work.
Well, maybe when Keith makes it to the NFL, you can get rid of one of those jobs, James.
[Chuckles.]
Me with only three jobs? I wouldn't even know what to do with all that extra time.
[Chuckles.]
Well Well, how about you take a day off? You know, I never imagined myself with one of those.
That seems like the kind of thing that only white folks get, like socks.
With all that free time, you could possibly even take up a hobby.
Mm-hmm.
Always did want to try a REM sleep.
Now that you've made it big, can you get me a hat that covers my ears, 'cause, you know, this city's really windy.
[Laughs.]
And can I get some art supplies? Canvasses, paintbrushes.
Will you buy me glasses with a prescription? I've always wanted to see what you guys look like.
All right, enough! Uh, Penny, no.
You're just gonna have to recognize us by our voices.
Look, I'm not going to the NFL.
[All gasping.]
Aw.
I hurt my knee at football tryouts.
Th-They tell me I'll never play again.
M-My football career is over.
I told you this guy was a bum! Daddy.
No, no, no, Thelma, your daddy's right.
Look, I-I-I-I don't deserve this.
W-What kind of meat is that, anyway? It doesn't matter.
You don't deserve it none of it! Oh, James.
Damn! Damn! Damn! [Door slams.]
[Audience "Awws".]
Why you got to be so hard on him? Because he's a bum.
I thought I was clear when I said, "Keith, you're a bum!" You know what? You remember this handsome young man on his wedding day? You know, when his dreams didn't pan out, he made it work.
I haven't had a dream in 30 years.
How could I? I haven't slept! [Laughter.]
I don't want our kids to struggle like we did, Florida.
Damn it.
I want our kids to have better than we did.
I want them to have an album filled with actual pictures.
I want that, too.
But until then, we got to have faith that Keith will work it out like you did.
[Sighs.]
What those kids need right now is our support.
Y'all, I'm sorry I'm such a failure.
I only had one dream my whole life, and now it's over.
A-And because of me, this family's gonna remain poor, black, and strawberry-less.
[Laughter.]
Listen, son, I understand what you're going through.
It's a struggle to raise a family.
But the good news is, you don't have to do it alone.
Florida: That's right.
Really? Yeah, we're here to help you.
J.
J.
: Listen, man, I was gonna take one of my sweet thangs out for a fine-dining extravaganza, but you can have those $3.
[Laughter.]
And I can give you this month's foster-care money for Penny and her sister.
Uh Uh, Penny doesn't have a sister.
Do you want the money or not? Hey, hey, y'all, thank you, but I'll get by.
Look, I'm just sorry I couldn't help you fulfill your dream of sleeping.
Or seeing.
It's okay.
I can still hear.
James: Yeah, don't worry about it.
Being poor, black, and tired is all we've ever known.
Hmm.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, wow.
Did you forget to pay the power bill? Forgetting's for rich folks.
We're just broke.
Ah.
Well, tomorrow's gonna be a better day.
- Mm.
- J.
J.
: Dy-no-mite.
Good ti-i-i-i-mes Yeah Good evening.
I'm James Earl Jones.
Welcome to "Black Omnibus.
" Tonight, we discuss the height of the Latin jazz movement with famed percussionist Willie Bobo.
Well, well, well, well, well.
Look who's alive.
[Chuckles.]
[TV beeps.]
That gravy nap really set me back.
Nap? Dre, seriously, you've been asleep for like 12 hours.
Oh, my Look at you.
- Oh, my God.
- I was? Man, I must really be stressed about the baby and that new round of layoffs at work.
Another round? Sweetie, I thought you said that was over.
Ugh, I thought they were, but it doesn't matter.
Hey, hey, hey, it's okay [Sighs.]
Because I just had a great dream.
It made me realize that it doesn't matter if we have less money or more kids as long as we are together.
- [Chuckles.]
- Diane: Dad? Yep? If you're really worried about money, I don't have to go on that trip.
Yeah, and if I'm really a wizard, we'll never have to worry about money again.
[Chuckles.]
Or dragons.
Oh.
There he is.
You're welcome to some of my allowance.
I mean, it's not much, but that's on you.
- Ah, touché.
- [Chuckles.]
Don't look at me.
I'm still learning how to share.
You know what? Me, too.
Aww.
Ah, babe, look at us.
Look at that.
That was the beginning.
Aren't we cute? [Chuckles.]
Whoa.
What's wrong with your eyes? Are you a demon? Rainbow: No, no, no, no, no.
It's called red eye.
We didn't have anything to fix it then.
Also, she's a demon.
Uh.
Aww, look at that.
Look, you're so cute.
Diane: Ugh.
That was my awkward phase.
- Burn it.
- [Ruby laughs.]
Hey, look at this one.
It's a picture of Junior in his awkward phase.
I was a baby.
Pops: Hey, y'all want to see an awkward baby? - Yes, please.
- Mm-hmm.
- Look at this here.
This is Dre.
- No way.
- Ohhh! - Ohhh! Look at that head.
Doctor told us he was gonna grow into it.
We're still waiting, son.
- Same size.
- [Laughing.]
Same size.
Looks like a watermelon.
- Diane: So big.
- [Laughter.]
So you carry my picture around, huh? It came with the wallet.
Okay.
Come on.
Turn the page, boy.
Earl.
I don't know.
[Laughter.]
I don't even remember, where is this? Where did this happen? Yeah, where's this at?