Community s02e24 Episode Script

Dean? Dean? Don't shoot, red-haired guy.
Why not? Something's not right about the game.
We just took out a professional paintball assassin.
A professional? Aah! That doesn't make sense.
Why would someone who gets paid to do things be at Greendale? Aah! No! No, no! I'm not playing! I'm not playing! No, I'm the dean! Stop shooting me! Aah! - Man's down.
- Copy that.
Hi, Pistol Patty.
Did they take you hostage? Dean Spreck? Hello, Craig.
City College.
Now I understand everything.
Now your whole evil plan is clear as day.
But if you need to explain it to your men, I understand.
It's simple, Craig.
I pose as a fake ice cream company, sponsor your end-of-the-year picnic and waved enough money under your students' noses to provoke them to destroy their own campus.
Who hurt you, Steven? How could any dean be so mean? Oh, you haven't seen how mean this dean can be-ean.
- There's one.
- Go! - After them.
- Go, go, go! Wait, did you say "bean"? Guys.
Guys! City College is trying to destroy Greendale.
They're an unstoppable juggle knob.
"Juggernaut.
" Juggernaut.
Which means, if we're gonna fight them, we have to form a school-wide alliance of rebels.
It seems we've left the Western motif and are entering a Star Wars scenario.
- Aw.
- I wish it happened sooner too.
If we surrender our individuality to form a faceless regime, how are we better? You're the worst.
Okay, she is just saying that to fit in.
The floor recognizes Magnitude.
First off: Pop, pop! I love it.
Second, Magnitude's a one-man party.
A one-man party can't be in an alliance.
That's a paradox.
I agree to disagree.
Paradox, we're on the same side.
Hasn't the other side already won? Their goal was to make us trash the school.
We trashed it.
We still might hit them where it hurts.
Their balls? No.
Just below their balls? Their wallet, Leonard.
I think it's called a "taint.
" Why do you think they sent in a ringer to win? It must be because we're entitled to the prize they promised, a hundred G's.
Ooh, I could use that money.
This is why we have to agree, right now, that whoever wins, we give the money to Greendale.
No! What?! To repair the damage and save our school.
Abed, tell them.
Whatever.
I ain't in it for your revolution.
I'm in it for me.
Wait, Abed, this was your idea.
But I'm calling dibs on the Han Solo role before Jeff slouches into it.
Star-Burns, I need that vest.
Pfft.
Oh, yeah, right.
Give me the vest, laser breath, before our conversation gets nasty.
Question.
How long is the game gonna last? Andre's home with the baby Shirley, forget your newborn child and think about the people that need you.
I can't afford to lose a single soldier.
What? Oh, now you're the leader? I don't see you stepping up.
I don't step up to being leader.
I reluctantly accept it when it's thrust upon me.
- Oh, Jeff.
- You know, you're an idiot.
Oh, my God.
What is that? Oh, my God, is he okay? Magnitude.
Pop Po P "Pop?" Pop what? Pop what? What is he trying to say? Pop what, Magnitude?! You sons of bitches.
Can you hear me? Who is this? Oh, that's Jeff Winger.
You are in trouble now.
Jeffrey, it's your friend, the dean.
I'm safe.
Sit down.
I can hear you, Mr.
Winger.
This is City College's Dean Spreck.
Hey, Spreck, you cheat.
You can't spray people with paint by remote.
And you can't have City College students in a Greendale game.
My men have been registered at Greendale for weeks.
As for rules, they're clearly defined in your school's agreement with my fake ice-cream company.
If you get paint on you, you're out.
I'm glad to see there's paperwork, because we are going to win, and you are gonna pay.
Yay! Go, Jeff Winger's study group.
Those guys are ballers, yo.
I hope you like getting balled.
Sir, this guy tried to charge us three paintballs to use the bathroom.
We were gonna shoot him, but tell him what you told us.
Don't shoot me.
Great.
Now shoot him.
Sure, shoot me.
You'd certainly be doing Jeff Winger a big favor.
Greendale Human Beings, it is now clear that we have no choice but to team up and defeat City College.
I also have no choice but to accept the role thrust upon me.
And what role would that be? No time to squabble, Troy.
"For Greendale," on three.
One, two Jeff, every second counts.
"For Greendale," on two.
One Guys.
- For Greendale! - For Greendale! Greendale students, I understand you've unified and intend to draw this game out.
Well, if it's a war you want, it's a war you will lose.
City College is stronger, faster.
Our sperm counts are higher, even in our women.
Resistance is as pointless as your degrees.
Honestly, ask yourself, what does "Liberal Arts" even mean? - "Welcome to Greendale.
- You're already accepted.
" Ha.
Losers.
What the hell? Welcome to Greendale.
You're already dead.
Jackpot.
Shirley, you keep watch while we get these.
Here, help me with this.
Sure thing, your worship.
Abed.
Stop trying to be Han Solo, it's making me embarrassed for you.
Come on, admit it, you like it.
I like having conversations with adults.
Playing Star Wars is worn out and immature.
You like me because I'm immature.
There's not enough immaturity in your life.
I hope I don't get shot waiting out here.
I'd hate to go home to my babies.
Reconnaissance indicates the key to City College's strategy is the Gatling gun inside the ice-cream truck, which we'll charge en masse, overwhelming their defenses, and taking that gun for ourselves.
Well, that's not how I would proceed.
Do you happen to have a better plan? I do happen, Jeff.
I happen very much.
We use sneak attacks to draw their patrols to the library, where one of us will pull the fire alarm, activating the sprinklers, which I will have rigged, to shower everything in the building with paint.
Paint in sprinklers? Are we the Little Rascals? I was.
Have you heard your plan? You wanna charge a machine gun.
I've got something to say.
I don't take orders from girls, because they don't talk to me.
Watch it, quasar face.
Annie's a good kid and a better shot.
So listen up or you'll be floating home.
Thank you, Abed.
Sorry"Han.
" Okay, I think we should split the troops in half and carry out both plans simultaneously.
Troy, your plan will lure people off the ice cream truck, allowing Jeff's troops to take the stronghold.
You're welcome.
You're welcome.
I'm so glad that we didn't shoot you.
Now we have the advantage of knowing that Jeff Winger wants to be a ballerina and that his Achilles heel is"wieners.
" That's just the tip of the iceberg.
For one more pudding, I'll tell you why he's jealous of me.
They kicked you out of study group after two years? Yeah.
What took them so long? Hey, thanks for sticking up for me back there.
This group gets so tangled in each others' feelings.
You're a hero for standing outside of it.
Heroes are great, but I'll take a blaster every time.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know, I don't think you're immature.
I think you're great, for a no-good, laser-faced, Jabba scoundrel.
You're good, kid.
Don't get cocky.
Hey! - Ow! Ow! Damn, my leg.
- Take cover.
They're right on our tail.
Operation Troy's Awesome Plan is living up to its name.
Good for you.
Looks like they're taking Troy's bait.
Squad B commencing Operation Actual Operation.
Everyone look alive.
Leonard, good enough.
Greendale, it's been a pleasure fighting with you.
Some of us won't make it, but there is a place where we will see each other again, and that place is Denny's.
Which Denny's? We'll figure it out later.
The one near the 15 exit, I'm banned.
Then I'll see you in hell.
Let's kick some taint.
Okay.
On my count.
One, two Vicki! - Go, go, go.
- Lock the doors.
Seal the room.
All right, Shirley, you have the most important job, okay? Yeah, pull the fire alarm.
Can we move this along? I'm missing CSI.
Enemy soldiers are incoming.
Everyone evacuate through the air ve - Garrett.
- I may be stuck in this vent.
It is too early to tell.
- They're all over the place.
- They're all over the place.
I think our only choice is to try and shoot our way out.
Right.
Commence Operation Troy's Awesome Leadership is Never in Doubt.
Ugh! That's affirmative.
That gun's too powerful.
I'm scared.
Hey, Quendra with a "Q-U," they can kill most of us, but as long as nobody gives up, somebody will make it through.
Understand? Yes.
Charge! Well, I'm out.
We lost.
See you at Denny's? Denny's is for winners.
We've got two Human Beings trapped outside of the library.
- Keep them pinned down.
- It won't be long now.
Leonard, we're losing.
Britta, I've been in a few real wars, but this one is actually the most terrifying.
Guys, we're dying out here.
Well, we're dying too.
They've trapped us in a dead end.
Hey, kid.
Someone's gotta make it out of here alive.
- We're taking fire.
- We're pulling back.
Pulling back.
Fall back to placement positions.
We're gonna need help.
I had a dream it would end this way.
Take him.
Shirley, nobody's making it out of the library.
Pull the alarm.
Britta, are you alive? Britta? Britta? Aw, hell.
Someone's gotta win this.
Aw.
I'm eliminated.
I'm out.
Me too.
Alpha 17, move in.
Looks like this is it.
Will you be Han Solo after we die? Afraid not, doll.
Once I'm gone, I'm gone.
Oh.
Okay.
Ugh, gotta do everything myself.
- We're all dead.
All of us.
- Paint is raining from the sky.
Everyone in the library is dead.
Damn it.
Kill him.
Yes, sir.
Unh It's my heart.
Buddy, you okay? Cool.
Hoo.
Eat paint, you Stormtrooping, City College knob gobblers.
- Codger down.
- You're it, kid.
Covering the right flank.
Okay, looks like we got her.
Shirley.
What are we supposed to do? How about we save this school's ass? Deal.
Go, go, go.
Hold on.
Hold on! - Unh! - Yeah! - You'd better watch it.
- Oh! Aw.
That's it.
I think that's it.
Is that it? We win.
We won! Oh! We win.
We win! Jeffrey.
Unh! - We win.
- We win.
- Yes.
Ha, ha, ha.
- What? All right.
Way to shoot.
- All right, we did it.
- Yeah, way to go.
Yes.
Who are you? Your mother's lover.
Unh! - What? - What? - That's low.
- Oh, man.
I win.
- All right! - All right! You owe me a hundred G's.
And you can make the check out to Greendale.
Human Beings! Human Beings! Human Beings! Human Beings! Human Beings! Human Beings! - Thank you.
- Oh, that's very good.
- Okay.
- It's nice.
Final meeting of the semester now in session.
Final order of business, pick a class we can all take in the fall.
We could just take Anthro 201.
Risky.
Sequels are almost always disappointing.
Since when are you in favor of playing it safe, Han? Cool down, Annie.
I was only Han Solo because the context demanded it.
But here.
Oh.
Star-Burns.
He uses a crystal instead of deodorant.
Guys, I know exactly what we should do.
We should see what Troy thinks we should do.
He had some good ideas today.
Thanks, man.
Okay.
I've given this a lot of thought, and I've decided we should sleep on it.
Just came back for my day planner.
Pretend I'm not even here.
You guys are great at that.
Come on, Pierce.
We all know there is no "day planner.
" Here it is.
If you'll excuse me, I'm running late to drink a bottle of wine in my bathing suit.
Pierce, wait.
You know I've been coming to this school for 12 years? And I've never been friends with anyone here more than a semester.
Probably for the same reason I've been married seven times.
I guess I assume, eventually, I'll be rejected.
So I, you know, test people, push them, until they prove me right.
It's a sickness.
I admit it.
But this place has always accepted me, sickness and all.
This place accepted all of you, sickness and all.
It's worth thinking about.
Um, I think we have thought about it, Pierce, and you're right.
And we were just picking a class we could all be in this fall.
And we'd love for you to join us.
No, thanks.
I'm done with you guys.
I like this school, but I'm done with whatever you call this.
Adiós.
He was my ride.
I'm going after him.
No, he's just acting out.
I've seen this behavior before.
In cats.
My cats.
It's true.
And now he'll come slinking back in five, four, three, two