Dog with a Blog (2012) s02e24 Episode Script

What a crazy day.
Ellen spent the entire afternoon trying to get over her fear of cartwheels.
Okay.
Here I go.
I can't, I can't.
Rocked myself seasick.
I'm gonna need a minute.
I'm gonna die! But not today.
It went on all day, and I couldn't take my eyes off it.
I missed all my naps.
I'm exhausted.
Stan, do you write a blog? Uh Uh Stan, you're writing a blog.
No, no, I'm not.
It's it's it's notes for a screenplay.
Oh, really? Then what's this screenplay about? A dog who writes a blog.
I mean, a dog who has magical adventures while saving the world from demons whose spore was planted beneath the earth's crust eons ago.
And then writes a blog about it.
Ay! I would so see that movie.
I mean, Stan, you write a blog? He's been writing about everything that's happened in our family for the last 2 years.
Okay.
Yes.
I started blogging hoping to reach other talking animals, but there don't seem to be any.
But a few people read it, and think I'm a person pretending to be a dog.
Assuming those readers are people.
The guy whose screen name is Charlie the bandit sounds awfully raccoony.
Stan, you've written about some really embarrassing things here.
The time I made a fool of myself over Wes.
The time I made a fool of myself over Nikki.
The other time I made a fool of myself over Wes.
The other time I made a fool of myself over Nikki.
The other, other time I made a fool wow, it is a miracle either of us ever dated.
I think it's cool how you wrote about the time I said, "I'm a Mountain man.
" Or the time I said, "I'm Mrs.
grimmens.
" Or the time I said, "eat your soup!" I never realized I spoke so many different languages.
Stan, I don't want you writing about us anymore.
I was afraid of this.
It's why I kept it a secret.
You can write about me.
I'll do something else adorable.
I wuv pa-sghetti.
Come on! If I were anymore adorable, I'd fart a rainbow and fly out of the room.
That wouldn't be adorable.
That'd be magical.
Either way, you'd be blogging about it.
I'm serious, Stan.
No more blogging.
What if someone I know found this? People think I'm cool.
I could live with it if they stop thinking that, but could they? In these crazy times we live in, don't they deserve something to believe in? Not to mention all the embarrassing stories in here about mom and dad.
Ellen, it's harvest time.
Like the fact that mom shaves dad's back hair.
Guys, this blog means everything to me.
It's the one thing I have where I can really express myself to the outside world and be who I am.
Please, don't ask me to give that up.
Well, as long as no one thinks you're a talking dog, I guess I'm okay with it.
What do you say, Tyler? Well, I guess I do care more about Stan than about the people whose lives will be shattered when they see I have flaws.
Yes, Tyler.
It's the end of Camelot.
The fact that I don't get that is not one of my flaws.
The fact that you said it is one of yours.
Put that in, Stan.
I'll tell you what he should put in his next blog.
Does anyone see a rainbow behind me? Well, my book is done.
Got it right here on this flash drive.
Oh, the book on blended families that you didn't want my help with.
Pardon me for not doing cartwheels, which I can do, by the way, not the least bit afraid.
Aah! I have nothing to prove here.
Actually I have a little surprise, Ellen.
I did use many of your suggestions, especially the jokes, and I am going to give you a credit on the book cover.
"Additional material by Ellen Jennings.
" Bennett, you used my jokes? Additional material by I'm actually getting an amb credit.
That's what they call it, right? Nobody ever calls it that.
They'll start to.
It's funny.
I'm not sure what's funny about it.
Oh, please.
Who's the professional comedy writer here? So when will that book get published? Will there be a party? What should I wear? Something that says authoress or something that says comedienne? Maybe funny pants and a serious top.
Okay, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
My editor Barry has to like it first.
You understand he's kind of like my boss, right? Our boss, Bennett.
We're a team now.
You need me.
There aren't a lot of additional material artists out there.
That's what they call us.
No, they never mind.
I gotta tell you, honey, I am not looking forward to his feedback.
I really should get a different editor.
He can be pretty annoying, and not just his nitpicky notes.
When we go out for lunch, he gets so excited, he spits when he eats.
Bennett, I can't wait to talk about your book and this is just crackers.
In our last lunch, he was mouth-firing chicken cacciatore at me.
Does Barry throw his dirty socks on the floor, too? 'Cause that would make him the total package.
What happened here? Someone's clothes are on backwards.
That Chloe, what will she do next? That should get me into Stan's blog, right? I don't know about Stan's blog, but it could get you into mine.
You have a blog? Stan inspired me.
So today I started a blog.
Here's my first post.
"Today I started a blog.
" I'm keeping it real.
I think my audience will like that.
Yeah.
Tyler, I read your blog.
I love how you're keeping it real.
Tyler, everybody at school loves your blog.
I don't get it.
All you wrote is, "today I started a blog.
" And, "hey.
" Hey.
Well, when you say it that way, I can see the appeal.
Guys, I'm glad you're all here.
I heard your dad talking about his book and it got me thinking.
I could publish my blog as a book.
How amazing would that be? I put it on this flash drive to send to your dad's editor.
Stan, you can't publish your blog as a book.
Not before you write about the backwards-dressing girl.
Zipper in the back, snacks in the hood.
No.
No books about you as a talking dog.
We need to keep that secret, remember? We could just say that you wrote it.
The people reading it online think it was written by a person.
Sure.
That may fool most people, but what about mom and dad? If they read this, they'll see that there's things on there only you could know.
Yeah, like when they talk to you on Halloween, or when mom spent all day trying to do cartwheels, you were the only one there.
And a hundred other things that seemed weird at the time that they'll piece together, and realize that you really talk.
And that you think your stuffed monkey talks, which is a whole other level of weird.
You'll think it's less weird when he gives you your favorite muffin.
It's a banana nut from a banana nut.
I told you that wasn't funny, Robert.
The point is it's too risky for your blog to become a book.
Wow, I guess I didn't think it through.
Good thing I didn't send this in.
Let's delete it before anything bad happens.
Are you gonna eat that muffin? The one the dog gave to the stuffed monkey? No, I don't think that's going anywhere near my mouth.
I'll just hood it for later.
This is dad's book.
Stan, you said you put your blog on here.
This is dad's flash drive.
Well, that's weird.
Good news, kids.
My editor read my new book and loved it.
I'm gonna talk to him all about it tomorrow, but he said it was an innovative and different approach to writing about family dynamics.
So thank you, kids.
If we were just a little more normal, this would not have been possible.
This is terrible.
If we have dad's flash drive, that must mean he sent Stan's flash drive by mistake.
The editor didn't read dad's book, he read Stan's blog.
And found it innovative and different, which is really gratifying, but I can't sound excited because you guys are upset.
Stan, when dad talks to his editor tomorrow, he's going to find out about your blog.
Mom and dad are gonna find out your secrets.
What are we gonna do? This may not work, but I'm hoping if you wear your clothes backwards and run real fast, you can turn back time.
I found yesterday's newspaper.
It worked.
What are we gonna do? We have to keep dad's editor from talking to dad about Stan's blog or mom and dad will find out Stan's secret.
Tyler, are you hooding snacks, too? Well, hoods aren't just for heads anymore.
Get with the times, Avery.
Wait.
I have an idea for how to keep dad from seeing the blog he sent to his editor.
No, it would ruin things between dad and his editor, and we can't do that.
I did hear your dad say the guy is nitpicky and annoying and he wants a different editor.
Then maybe we can do this.
Stan, do you know what an agent is? You mean someone who finds jobs for writers in exchange for a percentage of the money the writer earns from said writing, or the active ingredient in a cleaning solution? The first one.
Then no, no, I don't know what it is.
Hello, is this Barry barns, the book editor? Yes.
Who is this? And how did you get my direct line? Did my assistant Marcus, pull your personnel file, and put another frowny face sticker on it! I'm Bennett James' agent Stan.
Stan agent-guy.
Well, that's the most made-up sounding last name I've ever heard.
Then you haven't met my cousin, Craig made-up-last-name.
It used to be made-up-last-nameowitz, but he shortened it when he got into showbiz.
The thing is, Bennett doesn't want to work with you anymore.
So don't talk to him about the book ever again.
But you can talk to me.
What made it so innovative and different? Stan.
Focus.
What was that? Uh, two people I hired to stand in my office and remind me to focus.
Marcus, get me two people to stand in my office and remind me to focus! I'm just gonna talk to Bennett directly.
I didn't even know he had an agent.
How do I even know you are his agent? You could just be some crazy guy.
Please.
If I were a crazy guy, my name would be Stan Stan! Focus.
Wow.
Those guys are good.
If I'm not Bennett's agent, then how do I know you had chicken cacciatore at your last lunch with him? And that you spit it all over his shirt.
He told me how gross and disgusting you are.
He wants nothing to do with you.
He said that? Oh, that's insulting and hurtful, and makes me think of my own behavior in ways I would prefer not to.
You can tell you can tell Bennett our relationship is over, as is this call.
I'm late for an important eye appointment.
Really? Which is your important eye, the left or the right? Never call me again.
Way to go, Stan.
You did it.
You are a wizard with prank phone calls.
Oh, call me next Halloween as count Dracula.
I'll have forgotten about this by then.
Hey, Chloe.
Wait, what's that in Suzie's mouth? Suzie's pacifier.
No, it's not.
It's a flash drive.
Yes.
And Suzie is not a real baby.
It's called imagination.
Wait.
Stan, this is the flash drive with your blog on it.
Dad didn't give it to his editor, which means we got dad fired for nothing.
Well, we got two people hired to remind Barry to focus, so it's still a net gain for the economy.
But if we have the flash drive with Stan's blog on it, and the one with dad's book, then what did the editor read? So, dad, hypothetical question.
If a person were to send an editor, let's say, a book, how would he or she do that? It's all by email now.
Why are you asking? I'm always asking questions.
How else would I have learned that this part of the Turkey is called the snood.
So a person would never send an editor a flash drive? No, of course not.
Why would I send a flash drive to someone for no reason? Those things are like ten bucks.
Ah, it's my editor.
Probably thought of some more praise to heap on me.
Barry, hi.
How is it go I can't believe you said all those hurtful things about me.
You're through, you hear me? You're through! I'm never publishing another book of yours ever again.
You can forget it.
Our relationship is over! Turns out, it wasn't praise.
Barry is not publishing the book.
But based on my amb credit, I already booked a gig as a humorist for the ladies auxiliary of whittier, so I could make a joke about being wittier Which would not have worked if I booked myself at pico Rivera.
Honey, I do not have an editor now.
This is terrible.
But I thought you didn't like your editor.
I thought you wanted to find a different editor.
I was just blowing off steam.
Oh, yeah, Barry is annoying, but he sells my books and I don't know who else to go to.
It took me five years just to get him.
And when did you hear me say I wanted a different editor? When? It's not like I check the clock every time I learn new information.
I'm inquisitive, not compulsive.
What are we gonna do, Bennett? We get most of our money from your books.
Listen, kids, you don't need to worry about money.
I'm sure everything will be okay.
I'll do that gig in pico Rivera.
What's funny about pico Rivera? Pico, pico, pico Oh, pico-boo.
Okay, I'm in.
So your mom is going to be a comedienne.
Solid, solid back-up plan.
Guys, if we get most of our money from dad's books, what are we gonna do? Avery, it's gonna be okay, isn't it? I don't know, Stan.
This family could be in big trouble.
What did we do? This will be my last blog.
In order to save Bennett's career, and this family that I love so much, I'm gonna go tell his editor the truth about what happened and give up the secret that I am a talking dog.
Guys, you better see Stan's latest blog.
Stan is going to see dad's editor to tell the truth about everything.
He's gonna reveal his secret to save dad's career and the family.
He'll be taken away and experimented on.
We have to stop him from doing this.
We'd be better off if the editor had read Stan's blog.
Maybe he wouldn't have even been interested in the time you stole a pig or Chloe's tea parties, or when everyone applauded my haircut.
Okay, he would have loved that last one.
It had suspense, drama and a charismatic leading man.
Wait.
He wrote about my tea parties? Those are super secret.
That's what makes them special.
I'm never gonna pet Stan again.
Of course, you will, Chloe, because you love him.
And you're a petter, you have to pet.
No, I don't.
You're petting Tyler right now.
It feels good.
Those little fingers are strong, and they really get in there.
We don't have time for this right now.
We have to get to Barry's office before Stan does anything.
Those fingers really do get in there.
So here's the thing, Barry.
When I called you on the phone before and said all those things about Bennett not wanting you to publish the book, that wasn't the truth.
The truth is I'm a dog.
All agents are dogs, and don't think you can intimidate me just because I had an eyelid rejuvenation.
It is the manliest of all elective cosmetic eye procedures.
No, you don't understand.
When I said I was a dog, I mean Stan, you can't do now who's here? More people in my office? That's right.
People, just people, two-legged creatures with opposable thumbs, able to use hammers and drive cars, sometimes with all the mirrors pointing at themselves.
I don't care if you have hammers.
I am not validating your parking.
Joke's on you 'cause I already lost my ticket.
Wait, here it is.
Dang it! Stan, don't do this.
I have to.
I have to save Bennett's career.
Barry, I'm really a dog.
We're all dogs.
Marcus! Marcus, are you back yet? There are loons with hammers barking in my office.
I don't know what this means.
Stan, you can't do this.
We'll save dad's career another way and everything will be okay.
Everything except my super-secret tea party secret not being super-secret.
I'm mad at you, Stan.
I'm not gonna pet you anymore.
Chloe, this isn't the time for this.
Avery, just let her make her point.
Okay, Avery, try it your way.
But if it doesn't work, I'll go full dog on him.
I'll jump in his lap and burp kibble in his face.
I'm holding one in the top of my throat right now.
I'll come up with something else.
What are you whispering about? You better not be messing with me.
I warn you, I train at a boxing gym every day, jumping rope.
You don't want none of this.
It's okay, Mr.
barns, we're just here because you have to publish our dad's book.
And you think bursting into my office like this and telling me to publish your dad's book is gonna make me publish it? You got 60 seconds, dazzle me.
Well, our dad is Bennett James.
Time's up.
You should have heard the horribly insulting things this crazy agent had to say to me.
I am never I am never working with Bennett James again.
Okay.
We tried it your way.
Now I'm gonna put my snout in his face.
When he feels it, he'll know I'm either a dog or a hairy person with no boundaries.
Barry, this may shock you.
Wait, don't do this.
You're family, we can't lose you.
You kids think of me as family? I had no idea.
That's really sweet.
I thought you were mad at me because of what I did.
You were just repeating it.
I was really mad at Bennett.
You can be mad at someone, but if you care about them, you forgive them.
I do care about Bennett.
He is the only one of my writers who still goes to lunch with me.
You have the kindest, most tender soul of anyone I have ever encountered.
That's true.
I put myself out there.
It's why I'm so easily hurt.
So everything is okay? You're not gonna do anything crazy here, right? Yeah, cutting things off with my favorite writer would be crazy.
I'm gonna publish Bennett's book.
What? Marcus, are you back? Did you get the stuff I wanted? I can walk there myself.
I can do this.
Nobody help me.
I have to do this, 'cause I'm gonna have to live like this for the rest of my afternoon when I can take these bandages off.
He's gonna publish the book and my secret is safe? How did this happen? I don't know.
And he's in such a good mood, maybe he'll validate.
Oh, I lost my ticket again.
Dang it.
Oh, here it is.
I'm so glad you forgave me, and that we're still doing our super-secret tea parties.
Yeah.
But now that the secret's out, it's impossible to keep out the riff-raff.
I'm never gonna miss one of these ever again.
So now that the kids know about my blog, things are gonna be different around here, but in the ways that count, they're back to normal.
You need a comma between "count" and "they're.
" You know, I've been thinking about the name for your blog.
What about "see Stan blog about Tyler's hair"? Because I want you to be successful.
And since I am going to be eight soon, maybe we should hold off on publishing that rainbow farts thing.
Wait, was that? Yeah, hold off on it.
Well, mostly back to normal.