Friends s02e24 Episode Script

- Hey Joey, how'd the audition go? - Incredible! I met the director this time and you'll never believe who it was.
- Who? - All right.
I'll give you one hint.
Warren Beatty.
Yeah, there's just one thing that might be kind've a problem.
See, I, uh, had to kiss this guy.
'Cause he was just so darn cute.
No, as part of the audition.
See, I'm up for this part of this guy, who the main guy kisses.
Well, hey.
You're an actor, I say you just suck it up and do it.
Or you just do it.
I did do it, I'm a professional.
Besides my first girlfriend was Lisa Dibertis, so I am no stranger to the mustache.
Then what's the problem? See after the scene, Mr.
Beatty comes up to me and says 'good actor, bad kisser'.
Can you believe that, me not a good kisser, that's like, like Mother Theresa, not a good mother.
Well, come on, who cares what that guy thinks.
What does Warren Beatty know about kissing Ooh.
The one with Barry And Mindy's Wedding Hey, what did your agent say? Yep, this kiss thing is defiantly a problem, Mr.
Beatty wants to see it again on Monday.
Man, I gotta figure out what I'm doing wrong.
Oh, okay, one of you girls come over here and kiss me.
- What, forget it! - Yeah, right.
Come on, I need your help here.
All right.
I'll do it, I kissed him before I can do it again.
You see this, this is a friend.
Uh-huh, let's go.
Oh, wait I have gum.
Okay.
Good, very good, firm but tender.
I'd recommend you to a friend.
Then I don't know what it is.
What's the problem? Joey, you know, maybe your just not used to kissing men, maybe you just tensed up a little, maybe that's what you need to work on.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Over my dead body! And I'll be using his dead body as a shield.
Come on out, honey! I'm telling you look good! Tell her she looks good, tell her she looks good.
Oh my God, you look so good! I can not believe I have to walk down the aisle in front of 200 people looking like something you drink when your nauseous.
So don't, I don't see why we have to go to this thing anyway, it's your ex-fiancee's wedding.
Because I promised Mindy I would.
Yeah, well you promised Barry, you'd marry him.
Look you guys, I have to go, I'm the Maid-of-Honor.
And besides you know what I just need to be in a room again with these people and feel good about myself.
Ooh-oh! Someone's wearing the same clothes they had on last night.
Someone get a little action? - I may have.
- Woo-hoo, stuud! - What's she look like? - Well, we haven't exactly met, we just stayed up all night talking on the internet.
Woo-hoo, geeek! I like this girl, okay, I seriously like this girl, you now how sometimes I tend get a little defended and quipy - Get out! - Nooo! Well she totally called me on it, okay.
She said, 'cut it out, get real', and I did.
Wow! What's that like? It's like this, me, no jokes.
All right, stop it, you're freaking me out.
Oh, yeah, I don't like you this way.
- All right, I'll see you guys later.
- Bye, Richard.
Bye sweetie, - I love you.
- I love you, too.
I think my boyfriend ever so dreamy, I wonder what our wedding's gonna be like.
What are you talking about? What wedding? Come on, like you never talk about that.
Nooo! Never! I mean, we're living in the moment.
God, it is so nice for once to not have to get all hung up on 'Where is this going?' - Afraid to ask him? - Could not be more terrified.
Well, I think you should seriously consider the marriage thing, give Rachel another chance to dress up like Princess Bubble Yum.
I was laughing at this quip leno made last night.
I was not laughing at your dress, I love you.
Where's Benny? There he is! Where's Benny, there he is.
Awww! You know that's probably why babies learn to talk, so they can tell grown ups to cut it out.
Hey, you know I got a question for ya.
Just a little thing, no pressure.
Okay.
Did you ever, uh, like, think about the future? Sure I do.
Yeah, am I in it? Honey, you are it.
Oh God, you are about to get sooo lucky.
Keep talkin'.
Well, uh, sometimes I think about selling my practice, we could move to France, make French toast.
Okay, so, uh, we're in France, we're making the toast.
Do you see a little bassinet in the corner? Like a hound? Not a basset, a bassinet.
You really need the bassinet? Well, I just think the baby would keep falling off the dog.
Do you, uh, do you , do you not see kids in our future.
Oh, hey, I love children, I have children.
I just don't want to be 70 when our kids go off to college, and our lives can finally start.
Look I want you, now.
That's Great.
You know we don't need to talk about this now.
Really, I mean this is, is so way, way, way, in the future, I'm talkin' hovercrafts and apes taking over the planet.
Come on, Chandler, I want this part soo much.
Just one kiss, I won't tell anyone.
Joey, no means no! I'm sorry we, we don't have your sheep.
Aww, Rach, I think you look cute And you, uh, you, - you I could eat with a spoon - Get away from me I said no! - Richard buzzed.
He's waiting downstairs.
- Oh, Richard's here.
I should run down say bye to him Bye.
So how's your date with your cyberchick going.
Ooh, hey, what is all that? Oh, it's a website, it's the, uh, the Guggenheim museum.
See, she likes art, and I like funny words.
What does she mean by HH? It means we're holding hands.
Are you the cutest? I'm afraid I might just be.
You know, what I think is so great that you are totally into this person and yet for all you know she could be like 90 years old, or have two heads, or.
It could be a guy.
Okay, it's not a guy, all right, I know her.
It could be like a big giant guy.
Man, I got this close to him and Monica kneed me in the back.
What's going on? We were just wondering if Chandler's girlfriend is a girl.
Oh, well.
Just ask her how long she's gonna live.
Women live longer than men.
How do you not fall down more? Okay, ask her 'What is her current method of birth control?' All right.
"My husband is sleeping with his secretary.
" She's married! Well at least we know she's a woman.
I can't believe she's married.
Aw, man I'm sorry.
This must be very tough for ya, huh.
So, I read this article in the paper the other day that says you're not supposed to throw rice at weddings, because when pigeons eat rice it kills them.
Oh, that's why you never see pigeons at sushi bars.
- See, we're having fun.
- Oh, absolutely.
Yeah, you know I'm not even thinking about that thing that we're not going to be thinking about.
Neither am I.
Hi, there.
Are you all right? Yeah, when I was in the bathroom I saw the window that I crawled out of at my wedding, and God, I just started thinking that I shouldn't be here, you know I shouldn't, people are going to be looking at me and judging me and, and thinking about the last time.
Sweetie, it's be gonna okay, all right.
It's a wedding, generally people focus on the bride.
God I know, you're right.
All rightie, everybody look at me.
Good.
All right, its time.
Bridesmaids and ushers let's see two lines, thank you.
Okay, I'll see you after the thing.
- Okay, good luck - Thank you Okay, Okay.
Why the hell didn't you tell me! I'm sorry.
What was I supposed to do stand up and shout 'Hey, Rachel, your butt is showing!' Yeah, better than you embarrass and I will go.
Oh my God this is sooo humiliating.
I think the only thing that tops that was, was, was when I was in the eight grade and I had to sing the Copa Cabana in front of the entire school.
I think I got about two lines into it before I ran and freaked out.
Oh my God, my entire life is flashing before my eyes.
Rach, hey look, I remember that, it wasn't so bad.
Oh Ross, would you stop, you got me, I'm dating you.
Rachel! Oh hi, Mr.
Wineburg, hi Mrs.
Wineburg.
It's so wonderful to see you again, my dear, in fact I hardly expected to see so much.
You told me you didn't see anything.
I tell ya a lot things! Well it's wonderful to have you up and about, again, dear.
Stay well.
Okay, now that is the third time someone has said something like that to me today.
Rach! Rach! - Oh my God, I'm married! - I know.
I'm Mrs.
Dr.
Barry Hunter hyphen Farber.
Oh honey, I'm so proud of you, Min.
Min.
Oh Rach, you're still here, at our wedding, they were packing up the chopped liver about now.
Yeah, I love that story.
Um, I got a question for you guys.
Why do people keep is saying that is good to see me up and about? Well uh, after you ran out on your wedding, Barry's parents told people that you were sort of.
insane.
Insane! from the syphilis.
What?! Yeah, what are they gonna say you didn't love me anymore.
Come on.
Your choice was that, syphilis? Hey, sweetie, at least they put you Tutsi show under prospective.
Angela? Joey Tribiani.
Listen, what are ya doing tonight? I know your seeing that guy, I was thinking maybe you could bring him.
.
Hello? Hello? Aren't you gonna answer her, that's like the tenth bing-bong message she sent.
- She wants to know what's wrong? - What's wrong? What's wrong? You're married that's what's wrong.
- Oh, my.
- What? She wants to meet you in person.
Hey, look, Phoebe I wanted to meet her in person too, okay, but she's married, she has a husband.
What if the husband person is the wrong guy, and you are the right guy.
I mean you don't get chances like this all the time, if you don't meet her now, you're gonna be kicking yourself when your 80, which is hard to do, and that's how you break a hip.
I don't know.
Listen, those bingbongs are the woman who loves you.
Okay, I'll do it! Oh, yeah! Okay! Great! Go, man, go put on your shoes, and, and march out there and meet her! Oh, wait, no, no you have to take a shower, 'cause, eww.
No, you know what you have to answer her, answer her first.
No, no, you know what make some coffee 'cause its too much.
Okay, one more, please.
Come on, I'm gonna get it in this time, I will.
Okay, last chance.
Again, I'm sorry.
You know what, maybe I don't need to have children.
You know maybe I just think I do because that is what society, and by that I mean my mom, has always convinced me that I I do, I have to have children, I'm sorry.
I just do.
Yo! Can I have your attention, please, Best Man, making a toast here.
Thank you.
I remember when Barry got home from his first date with Rachel What?! What, you hired the same band I can't use the same speech.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Anyway, I wish you both a wonderful life together.
And Rachel - What.
- No, no, no now in all seriousness, its not a lot of women would've had the guts to come back here tonight, and even fewer, who would do it with their asses hanging out! Uh, I like to, uh, to add something to that - Why are you adding, why are you adding, why are you adding, why are you adding? Most of you don't know me, I'm Rachel's boyfriend.
Oh dear God.
Ross, uh and uh, I'd just like to say that it did take a lot of courage for Rachel to come here tonight.
And, uh, for the record she did not run out on Barry because she had syphilis.
What are you doing I'm serious.
Uh, the reason she walked out on, on Barry is simply that she didn't love him, which incidentally worked out pretty well for me Rachel, took a lot of courage, doesn't has the syphilis and wild with me.
Cheers! - See you in the parking lot.
- No, Rach! And once again she is out of here.
Okay who had 9:45? Um? Ya, know what Barr, I'm not gonna leave.
I probably should, but I'm not, see 'cause I promised myself that I would make it through at least *one* of your weddings.
See now, tonight, all I really wanted was to make it though this evening with a little bit of grace and dignity.
Well, I guess we can all agree that's not gonna happen.
There's nothing really left to say except.
"Her name was Lola.
She was a showgirl.
With yellow feathers, feathers in her hair, and a dress cut down to there.
She would" - Marenge, - "marenge, thank you honey, and do the cha-cha.
And while she like to be a star, Tony always tended bar.
At the, wait, wait, everybody.
.
" Okay, I'll do it.
You'll do what? If kids is what I takes to be with you then kids it is.
Oh my God! If I have to I'll, I'll do all again, I'll do the 4 o'clock feeding thing, I'll go to the P.
T.
A.
meetings, I'll coach the soccer team.
- Really? - Yeah, if I have to.
Monica, I don't wanna lose you, so if I have to do it all over again, then I will.
You're the most wonderful man.
And if you hadn't of said 'if I have to' like seventeen times, then I'd be saying 'okay, let's do it.
' But you're not.
Oh my God, I can't believe what I'm getting ready to say.
I wanna have a baby, but I don't wanna have one with someone who doesn't really wanna have one.
God.
I love you.
I know you do.
Me too.
So what now? I guess we just keep dancing.
Where is she, Where is she? Oh, hey, I have a question, where is she? Chandler, relax, Chandler, she'll be here.
Ooh, oh, oh, that's her.
Yeah, 'cause life's just that kind.
Chandler, you gotta stop staring at the door.
It's like a watched pot, you know if you keep looking at it then the door is to, never gonna boil.
I think what you have to do is try not to Oh my God! OH.
.
MY.
.
GAWD!! OH.
.
MY.
.
GOD!! All right I've been feeling incredibly guilty about this, because I wanna be a good friend, and dammit I am a good friend.
So just, just shut up and close your eyes.
Wow, you are a good friend, 'course the audition was this morning, and I didn't get it.
But that was a hell of a kiss.
Rachel is a very lucky girl.