Hogan's Heroes (1965) s02e24 Episode Script

ANNOUNCER: CBS presents this program in color.
( theme song playing ) I see you, and I raise nine.
( whistles ) ( chuckles ) Raise? No, I'm out.
All right.
( chips shuffle ) Your nine.
Up ten.
Up ten.
Hmm.
I have no money.
You know the rules, Schultz: no credit.
If you don't have the money, you're out.
Wait a minute! What do you mean, I'm out? I'm not out yet.
Solid gold.
Oh, really? Gold, huh? Let's see what it says.
"18-karat gold.
" Well, that's gold, all right.
How about the diamond? "Caution: In case of fire, break glass.
" What do you mean? Where does it say Mm.
( chattering ) Colonel Hogan could I speak to you a minute? Yeah, sure, Kinch.
Hey.
Hey.
No peeking.
( laughing ) Be right back.
LeBEAU: We won't let him.
Don't worry.
NEWKIRK: I think he's played with you before.
I just got word from our contact in Heidelberg.
I could barely make it out.
She needs new parts for her transmitter, or she's out of business.
Can we get them? Well, we got the parts, all right, but how do we get them delivered to Heidelberg? ( sighs ) ( murmuring ) You know what I did with the money? It's in a sock.
You guys have it.
Oh, sure.
That's what I did with the money.
Say, how far is Heidelberg? Heidelberg? Lovely town.
I'm glad to go back there.
Back there? It's my hometown.
I'm going down there over the weekend.
I have a three-day pass.
HOGAN: You win.
I win?! We both win.
( counting aloud ) Don't worry.
It's all there.
Nineteen Oh, by the way, Schultz, when are you going home? Friday.
My wife is going to pick me up, and we go together.
Aw, that's nice.
Um by the way, Schultz, I don't know quite how to say this to you-- Can you just step in the office quickly? I, uh I want you to do me a favor.
It's kind of a delicate matter.
Yes? Schultz, I'd like you to deliver something for me in Heidelberg.
It's a little gift.
Deliver a package for a prisoner? ( chuckles ) That's impossible! I can't do that.
It would be worth my life.
All right, Schultz, I understand.
Poor Liesl.
She'll have to worry, suffer, live in anguish.
Fortunes of war.
Liesl, I'm sorry.
Who is Liesl? Oh, please, Schultz, it's to painful to even think about.
You have a fraulein in Heidelberg, huh? Not a fraulein an angel.
But who is Liesl? You promise not to laugh? I promise.
Well It all happened that wonderful night I was shot down over Heidelberg.
You were shot down? That was wonderful? Beyond belief.
( humming sad tune ) ( playing harmonica ) HOGAN: My parachute was lowering me over a farm on a road just outside of Heidelberg.
As I slipped out of my harness, a girl stepped out of the shadows.
"A girl.
" ( scoffs ) More like a goddess.
She took my hand in her hand.
A thousand violins started to play.
A thousand violins? Right here, Schultz, right here.
Oh, I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't help myself.
I was just captured by her beauty.
We walked in the moonlight then, and under an edelweiss tree, we stopped.
As her face turned towards mine, our eyes met.
And then our lips.
We shared a magic moment.
She swore her undying love just before she called the Gestapo.
( sobbing ) Beautiful.
And to let her know that she's in my every breathing moment I wanted to send a gift of ( whispering ) A plant.
a plant-- a flower.
A token of my love.
That's what I wanted you to do, Schultz, but Colonel Hogan ( sighs ) I'll do it.
Thank you, Schultz.
I don't know how I can ever repay you.
You will keep this between us, won't you? My lips are sealed.
Thank you, Schultz.
Colonel Hogan has a fraulein.
Just between us, Schultz.
You devil, you! All set, Colonel.
Good.
Pot's all neatly packed.
Any sign of Schultz? Not yet.
A card? Read it.
Read it.
MAN: Colonel Hogan? Read it.
Just a minute.
"To my own little poopchen, in remembrance of that starry night.
" "Tiger"? It's the poet in me.
Me, Tiger? I can't help it, Colonel.
I've got you on pedestal.
Watch for Schultz, huh? Right.
Schnitzer, as long as you're changing the dogs, will you get rid of the black one? He's beginning to obey the guards.
Oh, I'm sorry, Colonel.
I'll take care of that.
Good.
I'll see that you get a little extra in your paycheck this week.
Thank you, Colonel.
I see you got your father working with you, huh? Yeah.
He's 80 years old and I don't want him to work, but he's just amazing.
His back pains.
His chest hurts.
He's a mess! ( chuckles ) He wants to help.
( grunts ) There's Schultz.
Let's go.
HOGAN: Hi, Schultz.
Oh, hey.
Yeah, you all loaded up.
Presents? No.
Laundry.
Oh, and that's for Liesl? Yeah, yeah, and here's the address.
Yeah.
And, uh, let's show a little discretion, huh? Keep this just between us? Colonel Hogan, you can trust me.
I'm a man of the world.
You're a rascal.
You French are not the only ones who know about those things.
( laughs heartily ) Oh, my wife! Hello, Gretchen! My darling, how are you?! How are the children? Oh, they are fine.
They cannot wait to see you.
Oh.
And how is Mama? How is Papa? How is Aunt Fritzie, and Uncle Otto? All well.
Have you got everything? Yeah, I have the clothes for the laundry, and carry this, will you? Oh, Hans, what a beautiful plant.
How thoughtful.
It's not for you.
Then who? I'll explain later, my little dumpling.
"To my own little poopchen, in remembrance of that starry night, Tiger.
" I told you, I will explain later, Gretchen.
There's nothing to be upset about.
For your girlfriends, you have flowers.
For me, your old socks and underwear.
Listen, Gretchen! She gets the flowers? Let her do your laundry.
Looks like trouble.
Let's go.
Don't do this again.
Hi, Schultz, this your lovely wife? Not necessarily.
From him, I get compliments.
From you, insults.
You want me to carry it, I show you No, no, no! Now, now, come on.
You kids don't know what you're doing.
You wanted to break the pot? Yes! And I wish I had.
Look, don't argue.
Be nice.
I want you to try it.
( gasps ) Oh, no, no, now look, now look.
It's probably just a misunderstanding.
Please, Colonel Hogan, stay out of this.
This is just a friendly family quarrel.
It's probably just a simple misunderstanding that can be cleared up with one word.
Mm-hmm.
Divorce.
You overweight Casanova.
What did you call me? Tubby! ( Schultz laughs ) Listen to that barrage balloon calling me tubby! He didn't mean that, Mrs.
Schultz.
He really didn't.
He's wild about you.
You're all he's been talking about the whole week.
During bayonet practice.
I wouldn't have you now if you came crawling to me on your hands and knees.
My leave paper.
( grunting angrily ) That's what I think of going back with you.
Ha! That'll teach her a lesson.
Shultz, how could you do it? She asked for it.
Who needs her? She needs you.
Didn't you see the pained expression in her eyes? The longing? That woman is crazy about you.
Gretchen? Didn't you hear what she called me? Tubby.
I won't take that from any man, not even my wife.
Schultz, did Romeo argue with Juliet? Tristan with Isolt? Hitler with Ava? Please, Colonel Hogan.
Everyone quarrels.
It makes the making up that must sweeter.
Now, come on, Romeo, go to your Gretchen.
Come on, go.
Colonel Hogan, how about my pass? I tore it up.
They won't let me leave the camp without furlough papers.
All right.
We'll go to Klink, explain it to him, and have him make up a new set.
You think it could be that easy? Klink's an understanding man.
You tore them up with my signature?! I was very angry.
Silence! So, uh, Sergeant Schultz was angry, huh? Those furlough papers were signed by me, Colonel Klink, your commanding officer, and you deliberately chose to tear them up He didn't know what he was doing, Commandant.
He didn't know what he was doing, Herr Colonel.
I know what I'm doing.
You are a poor excuse for a soldier, Schultz, and I'm going to teach you.
Now, first, there will be no leave papers.
They are officially canceled.
You can't cancel his In addition, You will have 30 days company punishment.
How about my pass? There will be no pass, Schultz.
You are going to be a tired old man before you ever set foot outside this camp again.
I don't care how long it takes, I'll make a soldier out of you yet.
Well, we're dead.
We'll never get those pots to Heidelberg now.
If only Schultz hadn't lost his furlough.
You know, Schultz is in great shape.
Five days with that field pack and he's still holding out.
Too bad.
If he broke down, he'd be in line for a sick leave.
Gentlemen, I just said something beautiful.
KINCH: Oh, that wouldn't work, Colonel.
If Schultz complained of being ill, Klink would just send him to the doctor.
Schultz can pass any physical in the world.
( dog whining ) HOGAN: Suppose we got somebody to take his place.
Like who? Gentlemen, meet the new Sergeant Schultz.
KINCH: Colonel, you're a genius.
HOGAN: I'll buy that.
No, Schultzy will never go along with it.
What's Schultz got to do with it? Well, everything.
If he doesn't say he's sick why would old Klink issue a physical? Because I'm going to go in and drop a gentle hint.
Get a uniform for the new sergeant, huh? ( knocking ) Come in.
What is it, Hogan? I salute you, Colonel.
You're all soldier.
My idea of a real leader.
A man needs disciplining, you do it.
You talking about Sergeant Schultz? Well, the exercise will do him good.
I wish I were more like you.
Such strength.
You don't care if he might overexert himself.
No.
That he might be out there gasping for breath.
No.
Or about his complaining to the Inspector General.
The Inspector General? You know how Schultz is.
He's a crybaby.
He thinks he's unfit for this excessive punishment.
But that doesn't bother you.
What do you care? Worst that can happen to you is get what you always wanted: transfer to a fighting post.
Fighting? I mean, if you really cared, all you'd have to do is order a physical checkup, prove he's fit, and then really lay it on him.
That's right.
That's if you cared.
But I know you prefer action.
You want to get at those Russkies.
The Russians? This is Colonel Klink of Stalag 13.
I want you to arrange for a complete physical checkup of one of my men, immediately.
All right, you all set? Right.
Dressed and ready to go.
All right, Schnitzer, you know what you're supposed to do.
Take him to the He's supposed to be Sergeant Schultz.
He's there for a physical checkup.
Get going and good luck.
Jump up.
Hey, Schultz, where are you going? Where are you going? To the hospital.
Didn't you hear? It's closed.
Closed? Yeah, it's National Health Week.
Everybody should be healthy.
Ah, that's crazy.
Yeah, I agree, Schultz, but it's Hitler's orders.
Hitler! Shh.
I know nothing.
I hear nothing.
You know, Schultz, you're looking kind of tired.
I don't like that.
Hey, as long as Klink thinks you're at the hospital, why don't you sneak into the barracks and grab a snooze for a couple of hours? Yeah, why don't you do that, Schultz? It'll do you a lot of good.
Come on.
Yeah, a little rest, Schultzy.
Come on.
I sure could use it.
Yeah, what Klink doesn't know won't hurt him.
We'll wake you up in plenty of time.
Come on, Schultz.
Come on.
( knocking ) Come in.
Colonel Klink? Yes? I'm Dr.
Pohlmann, Chief Surgeon of the 13th Army Hospital.
You sent us this morning a Sergeant Schultz for a physical examination.
Yes, I did.
But, Doctor, there's no reason for you to come here, and I wanted to meet you, Colonel.
Oh, you did? Oh, that's very kind of you.
Please please, Doctor, sit down, sit down.
I suppose you've heard I wanted to discuss this with you personally.
It is such a tragic case.
Tragic? Frankly, Colonel, in all my years of practice this is the most unusual case I have ever run into.
It is extremely rare.
But Sergeant Schultz has become prematurely old.
I don't understand this-- some mistake.
Sergeant Schultz is only in his 40s.
I know that, but according to these medical reports from each member of my staff, something dreadful has happened to him.
His body shows all the deterioration, all the wear and tear you would expect to find in an 80-year-old man.
I can't believe it.
Evidence.
There can be absolutely no question.
As I said before, premature aging is rare, but it does happen.
Doubtless, this was brought on by tension, harassment, insufficient rest, long hours, overwork Well, all I did, was have him double-time with a full field pack.
You ordered him to double-time with a full field pack in his condition? He never complained.
It must have been excruciating agony for him.
I've got to make it up to him.
I'll give him a pass, let him take some time off.
Perhaps he should be in the sun.
He should be in a bottle.
Are you suggesting that Sergeant Schultz's condition is critical? My dear Colonel, it stands to reason that if a body ages to 80 years while a man is still only in his 40s, that is going downhill at double the normal rate.
Why, there's no telling when he ( gasps ) Let us just say that the best thing is for him to have a long, long furlough.
Let him to start enjoying whatever time he might have left.
Dr.
Pohlmann, isn't there something that we? Colonel we cannot make a man young again.
What have I done? Poor Sergeant Schultz.
Poor, helpless, I've got to make it up to him with the little time that he has left.
Wilhelm Klink, do you know what you are? Do you? You're a killer.
That's what you are.
A killer.
That little snooze this morning did wonders for me.
I got good news for you.
Your furlough came through.
Furlough? Uh-huh.
But Kommandant Klink said he'll never sign the paper.
It's okay.
Get packed.
You'll be leaving tonight, tomorrow at the latest.
Oh, Colonel Hogan, this is wonderful news.
I can make up with Gretchen again.
Oh, to see my whole family waiting for me.
Oh, I can hardly wait.
Uh, by the way How about that, uh, flower pot? The what? Oh, that, that.
Well, if it isn't too much trouble.
I insist.
Yeah, well, in that case Tiger.
Hogan, you've got to help me.
The doctor was here.
Schultz is ill, very ill.
It's just a matter of time before This is all of my fault, all my fault.
Oh, you're not to blame, Commandant.
How were you to know? He tried to tell me.
I wouldn't listen.
Hogan, why did I do it? There is something sadistic in me.
Something twisted inside.
No, your insides are fine.
When Schultz go home? Home? Ah, of course, a furlough.
You see, Hogan, the doctor told me, I put it out of my mind.
There is something rotten in here.
I'm no good.
I must fill out those furlough pa Wait, wait.
Brunhilda, send Sergeant Schultz in here.
I want to see him immediately.
You're sending for Schultz? You can't do that.
How could you face him? Frankly, I'd rather not.
You see, Schultz does not know about his illness or how serious it is, and it is my duty to tell him.
Oh, Hogan, you must help me; he likes you better than me.
Mm, am I glad you're here.
So am I.
Poor Schultz.
I only hope he still has enough strength to get here.
How do I apologize to him for this terrible thing? Schultz! ( breathlessly ): Herr Kommandant, you sent for me? I did.
I did.
Oh, Schultz please, sit down.
Sit down.
Sit down, Schultz.
There.
Now, Schultz, sometimes a man does things that, well, he means to What the Commandant is trying to say is he's sorry.
He's terribly sorry for the treatment he's given you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, please, Herr Kommandant, don't feel bad about it.
I really don't mind.
Marching keeps my mind off things.
Besides, I won't be here very long.
You see, I'm going to leave here very soon.
Then you know? I just found out.
And he's smiling.
Schultz, I only hope that someday, when it's my turn, I will be strong enough to make this journey with the same look on my face that is on yours now.
Journey? Oh, you know about my trip down there.
It doesn't have to be down there.
It could be up there.
Up to Heidelberg? Okay.
Up there.
Yes, Schultz, I know your journey.
The journey that I've hastened by so many, many years.
I'm looking forward to it.
Forward? You sound as if you were glad to go.
Of course, Herr Kommandant.
It will be a nice change.
Things were not too pleasant here lately.
I know, I know, I know.
I shall miss you, Schultz.
Oh, I'll miss you, too, Herr Kommandant.
I wish you would come with me.
He didn't mean that, Commandant.
Oh, that's all right, I deserve that.
He has every right to be bitter.
Schultz, you're so young to be so old.
But perhaps it's best you should know.
Were they able to tell you when? Tonight.
Tonight? Tomorrow at the latest.
So brave.
I had hoped you wouldn't leave us so soon.
All right, I won't go.
I'll stay.
You mean, if I ask you to stay, you won't go? Of course, Herr Kommandant, I won't.
And they say dogs are loyal.
Schultz, here's your furlough paper.
You leave immediately.
Thank you, Herr Kommandant.
Oh, Herr Kommandant, I'll remember this the rest of my life.
For the rest of his I can't believe that he won't be coming back.
Neither can I.
This would be the last day of Schultz's furlough.
Not a word.
Oh, I'd hoped, Hogan, I had hoped I'd give anything to see that smiling face again.
And, you know, I would never say or do another mean thing to him.
( knock on door ) Come in.
Herr Kommandant, Sergeant Schultz reporting for duty.
Schultz! You're back.
You're back! But how? Train.
You look wonderful.
HOGAN: A miracle.
Actually, I don't feel so good.
You don't? I ate too much of my wife's cooking.
Oh, we'll send you right down to the hospital.
They'll look after you.
Good.
I might as well take the physical examination you wanted me to have.
Come on, Schultz, let's leave.
Hut! Just a moment! Did you say you did not take a physical examination when I sent you? The hospital was closed.
A National Health week; Hitler's orders.
Then you did not see any doctors? No, Herr Kommandant.
But I can do it right now.
KLINK: No, Schultz, you won't.
You're healthy.
You're going to live to be 100 years old and you're not going to enjoy one moment of it, not one moment.
I want you to report back to me in five minutes with a rifle and a full field pack.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
How dare he deceive me like that.
Imagine, he thought he would put something over on me.
Ah, when will they learn? When will they learn?