Mad About You s02e24 Episode Script

- What's the name of that guy? - Pinter.
- Not Pinter.
The guy with the boat? - Magellan.
Not Magellan.
Onassis? - Onassis.
- That's it.
Ma, did I mention that it is our anniversary? - We want to be alone.
- I'm working on just that.
Meanwhile, we got nothing to eat.
It's your mother.
There's plenty to eat, just look behind the pot roast.
Look at all that shrimp, and all that Why do you say I'm lying? All right.
Okay.
All right, all right, you win.
You win, Ma.
We will see you tomorrow at 2:30.
Okay.
Alrighty.
- Good news is - Paul? So we're gonna have lunch.
It won't kill you.
I'm quoting her.
We agreed to be alone.
- I tried.
I was weakened by hunger.
- We have food.
Show me food.
We'll make something from baking soda.
Hi, Frannie Tomorrow? I'm looking forward to tomorrow too.
Let me call you back.
I agreed before we agreed.
So we got two anniversary lunches? Three, once you tell me about your sister.
- You knew about that one? - Please.
So we'll have three lunches.
It'll be six, seven hours, tops.
- But after that, it's just us.
- You and me.
- No matter who asks.
- We say no.
Absolutely, we say no.
This is pathetic.
We got a egg.
We got one tomato, we got If I was MacGyver, I could make a jeep out of this.
- Crackers and olive oil.
- Give me the oil.
For what? - I'm gonna scramble an egg.
- You can't scramble an egg in oil.
- It'll taste like oil.
- You don't understand.
I like oil.
Don't they have little squirty things on these? We need to clean this place up, we're seeing your mother tomorrow.
- We're going there, she won't be here.
- She'll know.
Right.
We'll clean up later.
I'm gonna run to the store.
- Eat something before you shop.
- Then I wouldn't have to shop.
- Eat a tomato.
- I'm not interested in a tomato.
Last time you went shopping hungry, you bought $34 worth of Entenmann's.
- What do you want me to get? - Eggs, bread.
And get those things.
- Those things we don't like.
- Then why am I getting them? - Because you like them.
- I don't know what you mean.
- Yes, you do.
Those things.
- All right, I'll get a box of those.
- A bag.
- Maybe somebody there will know.
That one right there.
No, that one right behind it.
- The one that refuses to curl.
- Good choice, sir.
She's a beauty.
- You know, that stuff will kill you.
- You're dribbling all over me.
- I don't have this mastered yet.
- You know why? You're a doctor, not a fruit sprayer.
- I have never felt more alive.
- I don't know.
I don't get it.
What's not to get? It's a great job, I'm outdoors, I meet people.
Yesterday I sold a mango to Ed Koch.
- How's he doing? - Very good.
- What? That's plenty, that's plenty.
- Look at that.
Meat.
You ever think you might come back as a cow? - Here? No.
Why would I do that? - Sometimes it's not always up to us.
You're the one who fell asleep in the middle of Gandhi.
I was resting my eyes.
Kim, Tammy, this is a friend of mine, Paul Buchman.
- We know.
- Just never been introduced.
- You don't stop to smell the roses.
- I've been meaning to.
- But I've been busy.
How are you? - Coming very soon.
Kim is not only my boss, he is also my zen master.
Thank you.
And you're a fine student.
Go unpack the Pringles.
- Do you know those things I love? - The ones with - We don't carry them.
- Don't have them? Don't even know what they are.
So you actually like it here? - I really do.
- And you're actually happy? You know how many pairs of shoes I have? I do not.
One.
Gave them all away.
They're possessions! I'm guessing that the ones you have are very comfortable.
- What's comfort? - Who are you kidding? You're the first guy I knew ever got a shiatsu chair.
- Sitting around in your underwear - I did not.
- You always had to run to put on pants.
- Know how many pairs I have? I'll guess one.
Two.
You have to wear something when you do laundry.
But they're just frills.
Frills? I don't know, maybe I'm missing something.
- What are you doing? - I'm chanting.
- I'm chanting for your understanding.
- Are you chanting now? It's wonderful.
You can't imagine the power of a chant.
Think of something that you want and chant with me.
- No.
- Come on, just one little chant.
- Really? Not so much.
- Come on.
One chant.
Really? Not really.
Thank you for the offer.
Where did this guy get this slop? I'm like the mustard king here.
That's very strange.
My ring.
Where's my wedding ring? If I lose my wedding ring again Paul, Paul, Paul! Just a possession.
- Remember the last time I lost it? - Yeah.
Big fight.
She thought I did it on purpose, like I didn't want to look married.
- She reads into things.
- She's a reader.
- She's a big reader.
- Think.
Where did you have it last? I had it when I woke up, I had it in the kitchen.
- Then I was talking to my mother.
- How is she? Tell her I said hello.
I'm thinking here! I took out the eggs, took out the oil - The oil! That's where it is.
- Love to Jamie.
- Honey? - I'm in the bedroom.
That's good.
I see your tushy.
- Where's the food? - It's so crowded down there.
- It's never crowded.
- They're having that sale.
- What sale? - The "Happy birthday, Buddha" sale.
- What, six crackers to hold me over? - You ate the crackers? - Why don't you grab a bite - Forget it, I'm taking the egg.
You know what? Let me do that.
- Why? - Because - What are you doing? - Testing the temperature.
You know hot oil is very bad for the pipes? That's true.
- What are you doing tomorrow? - Nothing.
It's your anniversary.
I want to take you out.
Duck sauce! - Tomorrow's not our anniversary.
- It is.
Well, that's just great.
I can't believe you forgot.
- What? - It's today.
You don't have to hear this.
Can I talk to you? - Tomorrow is our anniversary.
- I want us to be alone.
- You're just so good at this.
- I love you.
- And I mean it! - I'm sorry.
Of course it's today.
I don't know what I'm thinking.
Yes, it's today.
- Are you sure? - I think we'd know our anniversary.
- I knew it.
I told Mom it was today.
- And you were right.
We had a 20-minute argument.
I swear she's getting senile.
Hello, Mom? Hold on.
Jamie, when is your anniversary? - Today.
- No apology necessary.
- Whose baby is this? - Kenny and Shanya's.
Ugly.
- Hey, it's a baby.
- It's an ugly baby.
Stop it! Why do you put other people's babies on your refrigerator? Because they send them.
Either they're hinting, or we're on a list.
- Paul? Give me a hand here.
- I'm busy.
- Doing what? - I don't mean "busy" busy.
- I told you I'd bring it back.
- What happened here? I took the wheel off.
I didn't want the bike to get stolen.
- Where's the wheel? - The joke's on me.
Are you guys done in there? - What? - I don't mean You know Well? Aren't you gonna say happy anniversary? - It's tomorrow.
- Wrong! - When is your anniversary? - Today.
- I'm sorry.
Happy anniversary.
- Thank you.
- What are you doing? - Straightening the pot area.
- I'm going to the market.
- Forget it.
We'll go.
- I swear.
What do you want? - Food.
- Why do we have to go? - Because it's their anniversary.
Oh, that's true.
Thank you.
I don't want our kids on other people's refrigerators.
- What are you doing? - You're right, the floor is slanty.
- We have to discuss this.
- Stanley says the papers are ready.
- You can't just give me everything! - Why not? - People need stuff.
You need stuff.
- It's okay, Fran.
If I need any stuff, I'll chant for it.
- You've just gone nuts, that's all.
- You call it nuts, I call it inner peace.
- Potato, potahto.
- You must want something.
- I do, Fran.
- Good.
Name it, it's yours.
- You.
- Except that.
- I mean it.
- So do I.
You have every right to be hurt and angry - I'm not, I'm just someplace else.
- You know how hard it is without you? - Buddha says suffering is life.
- Buddha never met you.
- I'm chanting for you, Fran.
- Don't chant for me.
Come and see Kiss of the Spider Woman with me.
Kim says it's fantastic.
Stop it, it's over.
- Look who's here! - We heard you were back.
- So the busboy thing didn't work out? - I can't believe it.
What's new? I'm thinking of becoming a notary, but there's that whole stress thing.
- Don't do it.
- I hear you.
Maybe we should get them a cake.
You guys got cake? We have cakes, we have Drano, we have cheese by the pound.
- Why do you need a cake? - Paul and Jamie's anniversary.
- Not till tomorrow.
- She said it was today.
- I said I'd take them out tomorrow.
- She was too polite to correct you.
We gotta get something.
Do you have champagne? - We have beer, Q-Tips, lemon pie.
- We'll find something.
Listen, Ira I know you and Fran slept together while I was away.
I want you to know that I've made my peace with it.
Great.
You guys have paper cups? - When's the last time we cleaned? - I don't know.
That's my point.
I want to find my ring, I want to find my ring - What are you doing? - Just I was chanting.
- Chanting? - I was chanting, right there.
What were you chanting? I want to find my ring, I want to find my ring - Want to have a pillow fight? - No.
Help me move the table.
Okey-dokey.
Hey! Look at that! Who is this? David Niven.
David Niven.
- With the hand in the pocket.
- What's the matter with you? - You're delirious from hunger.
- I think you might be right.
I'm gonna slice that tomato.
I don't care.
'Cause that's a gorgeous tomato.
It's the best-Iooking thing If there was an award for tomatoes - What happened? - I cut my finger.
- Are you all right? - It's no big deal.
- Do you want me to help? - No, I'm just putting a Band-Aid on.
Let me see.
- You poor baby! - Thank you.
- Where's your ring? - I took it off.
Let me have it.
- Why? - 'Cause you don't want to lose it.
- I won't lose it.
- Remember last time? - There was a big fight.
- So where is it? - What? - Where is it? - Does this look like ours? - Yes.
Yeah, yeah No.
- We don't use those twist things.
- What do we use? The other things.
- Why did you throw out the garbage? - I was throwing out the garbage.
- Next time, think first.
- We're never gonna find it.
- Don't be negative.
- I'm not being negative.
- What are you being, mad? - No.
Did you see that? Somebody just threw a thing.
- This isn't ours.
- How do you know? - It's from across the hall.
- Who, the Brits? Get out of there! They eat Spam.
- Last time you were plenty mad.
- Last time you did it on purpose.
I didn't lose it on purpose.
Please stop reading into things.
- I'm not reading into things.
- You did last time.
Last time there was plenty to read.
Hey! Did you know Brenda Vaccaro lives in our building? Get out of here! - I can't believe she doesn't recycle.
- Let me see.
- Ow! Jeez! You didn't see that? - See what? Anyway, why did you take off your ring? - This time? - Last time.
- I told you.
It was itching me.
- Exactly.
- What? I wasn't used to it yet.
- So why did you take it off this time? - I didn't.
- That's what you said last time.
- But this time I'm telling you the truth.
- How do I know? It's two years later, I love you two years more.
So then you loved me two years less? I'm up to my ass in garbage, let's talk about the relationship.
- Honey! A wishbone.
- That's good Let's make a wish.
Please.
- That's nice.
What did you wish for? - World peace.
We know you stole our TV Guide! - Happy anniversary! - Oh, God! What happened to you? - Like you all smell so great.
- We had to go through the garbage.
- It's your anniversary.
- Why are you going through garbage? - It's their anniversary, let them alone.
- I'm leftovers here.
Is it the ring? I looked all over the market.
- I'm sorry.
- Let's go wash up.
- Will you get some plates? - You got it.
- Are you chanting for me? - No.
- Good.
- Does this remind you of anything? - You, me, here, together.
- Remind me of what? - You, me, here, together.
- Stop it! - Don't you care for me anymore? - Of course I care! We shared a life, you're the father of my child.
So? - So no! - So why not? - I have moved on.
- I'd understand if there was someone.
Then there is.
- Who? - Ira.
Oh, come on! - You know we slept together.
- Sleeping together is not moving on.
- Sometimes it is.
- Oh, come on! Fran told me about you two.
- What about us? - Not you.
- Me? He already knew that.
- Not that.
The other thing.
She told you, she told you.
What did she tell you? - What do you think? - You told him that? - Yes, I did honey.
- Okay sugar.
- How come no one told me? - Because it's not true.
- Fine! Believe what you like.
- I will.
I can't believe you guys did this.
- How often is it your anniversary? - Just today and tomorrow.
- I'm so sorry about the ring.
- He'll find it.
- I'm not so sure.
- It depends.
- On what? - On whether he wants it.
- What are you making problems for? - Paul Zen.
Mark Knock it off.
- Give it a try.
- It's not who I am.
That's the point! You have to move beyond who you are.
- To a whole different way of knowing.
- I do that.
- Give it a try.
- What do I have to do? Bear with me, I'm new at this.
- Paul, you have your ring.
- That was easy.
- Shut up, please.
- Paul, you don't have your ring.
- So make up your mind.
- Did you feel the moment? - When a little piece of you fell away? - No.
What did you see? What did you hear? What did I see, what did I hear? Nothing.
I had my ring, then I didn't.
I didn't hear anything.
A splash.
- A splash? - A little splash.
- What kind of splash? - Like a splash.
What are you talking about? Like when my ring fell in the hot dog water, thank you very much.
- What are you talking about? - I had a hot dog outside the market.
- You had a hot dog? - Yes! - You told me you don't eat those anymore.
- I lied.
So it's in the hot dog cart? - Right outside the market.
Come on.
- Wait! Wait! - He's not there anymore.
- You can know that? How? I saw him leave two hours ago.
- You know the cart's ID number? - I didn't notice that.
- Why not? - Why would I? In case something happens.
- Let us look around.
- I can't.
There's rules.
- We will buy all the hot dogs.
- Yeah We will? - All of them? - How many would that be? - They're all yours.
- That's a lot of carts.
- Anything? - No.
Remember what Mark said about wanting it in your heart.
I just bought $600 worth of hot dogs because I want it in my heart.
I'll smell like Yankee Stadium for the rest of my life.
How much more do you want me to want it? - I'm just trying to help.
- What time is it? - Ten minutes till our anniversary.
- All right, we'll be fine.
Aw, nothing.
- He couldn't have bought a pretzel? - I'm gonna check this cart.
- Wanna come? - No.
You sure? - Mark, I told you.
- You and Ira.
- That's right.
- You're in love.
- Deeply.
- I don't believe it.
"Why don't they grill them?" Does that help me? - Let's just forget it.
- What do you mean? - It doesn't matter.
- What are you saying? - We'll just get you a new one.
- I want my ring.
- Really? - Really, 'cause it's broken in, you know? I know my ring.
It makes a certain sound when I tap my fingers.
When I wash my hair, there's this metallic zing on my scalp.
It's like when I hold your hand, the rings click there I want it in my heart, okay? - Ow! - What happened? - Hey! My ring! - You sure it's yours? - No, it's the cow's.
Yes! - There it is.
It's inscribed.
- Huh! Look at that.
- What? Can't believe they got the date wrong.