M*A*S*H (MASH) s02e24 Episode Script

[Houlihan.]
Slight temperature, Doctor.
He's responding to antibiotics.
Okay, continue treatment.
Try to get better by 6:00.
I'm going to the movies and I wanna have a free mind.
- How come you're not responding to me? - Pardon? I put on something I thought would drive you wild.
- What? - Clean socks.
Sir, a helicopter crashed.
There's a broken arm in O.
R.
Let's hope there's a patient attached.
Major, give me a hand.
Later I'll give you one of mine.
- Much pain? - Not bad.
- Clean up the abrasions.
- Yes, Doctor.
Colonel Flagg's X ray, sir.
What happened to the chopper pilot? He walked away without a scratch.
Probably asleep at the wheel.
That makes you nice and relaxed.
Colonel, you got a fractured radius.
Congratulations.
Congratulations? Yeah, you might have landed on your head and screwed yourself into the ground.
Just get on with it, huh? - Major, expose the arm, please.
- Yes, Doctor.
Oh.
Ever thought of going into burlesque, Colonel? - I'm terribly sorry.
- Then try to look it.
- What kind of a place is this? - What do you care? We're open 24 hours a day and the second cup of coffee is free.
- Morphine.
- No morphine for me.
- Well, it's certainly not for me.
- Colonel, this will be very painful.
- Forget it.
- Perhaps you'd care to bite on a bullet.
Just do it.
Stockinette, please.
[Whistling.]
I want to talk to your commanding officer.
Well, right after we set this, we x-ray it.
And if it's not right, we do it again.
Then you can see my commanding officer, who's not right, but he won't let us do him again.
- What's your name, fella? - Dr.
Wasserman.
I'm looking for a cure for V.
D.
And I thought I'd start here.
Ready? - Uh, sir? - Yo.
Colonel Flagg is right outside inside here, sir.
Oh, Colonel Flagg.
Colonel, I want to talk to you in private, without the corporal.
Oh, you can say anything you want in front of him.
Okay, I will.
Get out.
Yes, sir.
- I see they got the wing patched up.
- Yeah.
- Care for a belt? - No, thank you.
Hot enough for ya? - Colonel.
- Colonel? What's your clearance? Oh, I go through the door with about an inch to spare.
I mean, security-wise.
Oh, well, we're a hospital.
Colonel, I'm gonna have to trust you.
Well, believe me, you can, Colonel Flagg.
Major Brooks.
Lieutenant Carter.
Ensign Troy.
Captain Louise Klein? I'm C.
I.
A.
C.
I.
A.
? Wow! That damn chopper crash may have ruined a very sensitive mission.
Colonel Flagg was never here.
Tell your people.
You can fill out a file on me using any one of these.
Right.
Uh, just let me get your names down here.
Don't write.
Memorize.
One.
And don't use "Louise.
" I'll need that next week in Tokyo.
Right.
I don't know how long I'll be here.
That all depends on H.
Q.
- H.
Q.
- H.
Q.
? Whoever told you about H.
Q.
? - Well, you told me, Colonel Flagg.
- Who's Colonel Flagg? I mean, I, uh Gee, could could I just look at the cards again? I forgot who all of you are.
Step outside, Colonel.
I wanna make a call.
All right.
Can I get the number for you? I don't know the number.
Then how do you make the call? I have to throw up.
The number's in a capsule.
Well, I'll just run along then.
- Colonel.
- Hmm? - Not a word.
- Oh, don't worry, Colonel.
I don't wanna get in Dutch.
Dutch? Colonel, I'm authorized to kill without requesting permission from my superiors.
Oh.
Well, I imagine that cuts down on the old paperwork.
You'll never know what hit you.
Your toothbrush could go off in your mouth.
You could find a tarantula in your shorts.
We could booby-trap a nurse.
- Hey, sirs.
- And ma'am.
And ma'am.
Boy, did I ever just hear something by accident in the office.
You've been giving the wall a physical again, Radar? Sit down and tell us.
Uh, Corporal O'Reilly's high chair, please.
You know that Colonel Flagg? You fixed his arm? He's a C.
P.
A.
No, really.
I heard him tell Colonel Blake to keep it quiet, that he's on a secret mission.
Radar, you mean C.
I.
A.
Wow! - To think I took his shirt off.
- Well, why would you do that? I had to break his arm, Frank.
He was lusting after Margaret.
Those guys are doped up most of the time, you know.
Doped up on patriotism, fella.
- Something in short supply here.
- Amen.
Radar, we're running low.
Get another order of Yankee Doodle.
Yes, sir.
Gee, what a screwy bunch.
- Can you believe that Frank? - They might make him the 49th state.
Don't move.
You're under arrest.
Vinny Pratt! What a small war.
TrapperJohn Mclntyre, the old dirty doctor.
Vinny Pratt, Hawkeye Pierce.
Vinny and I go way back.
I introduced him to his wife.
Now you're here to kill him, right? - Care for a belt? - No, thanks.
I'm here on business.
You? Trap.
Can I talk in front of him? Go ahead.
I had his tongue cut out.
- Makes it very hard to lick stamps.
- I'm with Intelligence.
G2.
Our people monitored a call from here.
You have a Colonel Flagg on some kind of a mission.
His chopper crashed.
He broke his arm.
Oh.
That old trick.
What trick? I set the arm.
I saw the X rays.
Well, believe me, if I know Flagg, he ordered the chopper to crash, got out and hit himself with a hammer.
Come on.
It's a switch on the way he infiltrated the C.
I.
D.
Last year.
He drove his jeep into a wall, set himself on fire.
Is this guy available for kids' parties? Why would this character wanna infiltrate a hospital? Well, that's what I'm here to find out what they're up to and stop them.
I don't get it.
What do you mean "they," "them"? Aren't "them" all part of"we"? Isn't "them" "us"? Steady, pal.
They always try to make a big score around appropriation time.
A little showboat for the Senate.
Now, last year they beat us out of $20 million.
Oh, you could make that up out of petty cash.
There must be something pretty big cooking here for them to send Flagg.
My orders are to find out what that is.
From now on, I'm Captain Perkins.
Priest.
We already got a priest.
Well, then I'm Captain Stone.
Engineer.
- Colonel Blake? - Yeah? There's a Captain Stone out there that's in here too, sir.
Colonel Blake.
- Captain Stone.
- That's not my real name.
- Oh, boy.
- I'm Major Strauss.
G2.
- Hey, what's going on with you guys? - "Guys"? I never heard of Colonel Flagg.
Let me level with you, Colonel.
My people wanna know what Flagg's people are up to.
Why do we have to be in the middle? Can't you let my people go? I expect your full cooperation, Colonel.
- Look, give me a break, Strauss.
- Call me Pratt.
- But Stone is definitely out? - Out.
Man alive, I'm trying to run a hospital, be an administrator, give orders.
I've got no time for Intelligence.
All this cloak-and-dagger stuff.
Full cooperation, Colonel.
What's this? Paid bill from the Happy Hour Motel, Elkhart, Indiana.
June 1948.
That is your signature, isn't it, "Mr.
Carl Williams and daughter"? Beside the blurred license plate number? - So? - So, the electric blanket control in Room 312 was a microphone.
Holy cow! The doorknob was a camera.
Linda Collins.
That rent-a-car girl in Houston.
Remember? The A.
M.
A.
Convention in '49.
They were folding the chairs by the time you finally got there.
Hey, where did you get this stuff? We've got files on people who haven't been born yet.
Well, I'd deny it.
Anybody that says I don't is a dirty liar.
- Uh-huh.
- I mean, who's gonna believe this? Nobody except your immediate family.
I'll leave you a copy.
Hey, this is nothing but a pack of filthy, lying lies, which is beneath my contempt about it, and you can count on my full and fearful cooperation.
Hey, how about a little golf? I need the money.
Don't be so smart, or I'll x-ray that and show you what you're eating.
- Who you doing? - Flagg.
I wanna check his arm.
Can you believe those guys? We're a hospital, and they're playing spy.
I have a good mind to write my congressman.
With invisible ink, of course.
- Chasing their own tails.
- Shall we make it more interesting? - Uh-huh.
- Tell Captain Stone I'll see him next.
- Mm-hmm.
You got it.
- Okay.
- Captain Stone? - Sit right there at the table, please.
- Engineer? - I hear he moonlights as a priest.
His name is not Stone.
It's really Martinez.
How do you know, Colonel Flagg? My name is not Flagg.
Ask your C.
O.
It's Carter.
Uh-huh.
Can I trust you, Pierce? If that's who I am.
I'm with the C.
I.
D.
, although I told your boss I was with the C.
I.
A.
It throws people off who think I'm with the C.
I.
C.
I'll go along with you there.
If his people sent Martinez, then there's something big brewing here.
- Hmm.
Probably.
- I'm not leaving till I find out what.
Well, I can't give you a medical excuse.
I did too good a job on your arm.
- You did, huh? - Mm-hmm.
[Yells.]
Well, now I can give you a medical excuse.
All right, Corporal, read back what you've got.
Uh, yes, sir.
"To the Far East Export-Import Company, - Right.
Go on.
- Yes, sir.
"Mary had a little lamb.
Stop.
My dog has fleas.
Stop.
" Good.
There's a bit more.
Mairzy doats and dozey doats, and I'll be home for Christmas.
You got that? Uh Uh, just a moment, sir.
Uh, okay.
Sign it: Your loving son, Queen Victoria.
Really? You told me to keep you up on what he's doing.
- "Mary had a little lamb.
" - He knows I'm here.
- How? - I'm Mary.
I hate to tell you this, Mary, but your dog has fleas.
Mm-hmm.
We're both on the same trail.
But he's waiting for me to bird-dog.
You do, and you'll clean it up.
- Can this man be trusted? - He's true-blue.
- I wanna use him for messages.
- He's perfect.
Fits into any envelope.
Aw, come on.
I can't surface.
He's got me tagged.
I'm G2.
- You're to keep him under surveillance.
- Colonel Flagg? - Queen Victoria.
- Major Carter.
- They're all him.
- Or her, as the case may be.
I think I understand.
- Then you're the only one.
- Go, son.
Radar.
If you're captured, you'll have to eat those binoculars.
What's Flagg's target? What's his caper? Could it be a patient? A nurse? A doctor? - Hello, Frank.
- Hi, Frank.
A lot you care.
Oh.
I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
Oh.
Old buddy of mine.
Captain Stone, engineer.
- Major Burns, doctor, surgeon.
- Staff paranoid.
Uh, what brings you to the 4077 th, Captain? - Survey mission, Major.
- Oh.
Corps of Engineers believes that army hospitals can not only be mobile but amphibious.
I've had that idea for a long time.
Put the hospital, the O.
R.
, the lab, the whole shebang up on pontoons and head for the high seas.
We could call ourselves the Titanic.
Captain, I'm afraid your friend here and his friend here derive perverted pleasure from playing down American ingenuity and know-how.
That's true.
I was among those who said this hospital would never fly.
I love this country more than both of you put together.
I'll tell ya, when that flag goes up the pole every morning, I go with it.
We have a hell of a time at night folding him and putting him away.
Oh, hooey balooey.
Well, good luck on your project, Captain, and anchors aweigh.
- Pretty gung ho.
- #And I don't care # You know, I sometimes wonder about Frank and his wall-to-wall patriotism.
They say Benedict Arnold used to be the first one to stand whenever Washington came into the room.
But the minute Washington left, he started throwing erasers and tried to take over the country.
There is the type who protest too much.
- That's right.
- Oh, yeah.
I think I'll have a little look-see into his file.
- [Mclntyre.]
Right now? - No.
If I ask the colonel to see the major's file and they're co-subversives in sub-security profile, they'll do the old dossier switcheroo, and I'll chalk up a zilch.
Boy, I wish you came He means he'll sneak into the files tonight.
Right? It's called breaking and entering.
Good thing you're a cop.
Otherwise, that's illegal.
You know? [Flagg.]
I've asked you to have a drink because I need help.
Now, from the complaints I've heard, you're my kind of people.
Military, dedicated and a little bit fanatic about good sense.
That's us.
I think I can trust you.
I'm I'm with the C.
I.
C.
- Not the C.
I.
A.
? - No.
I just tell people that so they'll think I'm with the C.
I.
D.
I think I understand.
Now, you people got yourself a snootful of security problems around here.
Either of you know a G2 man named Stone? He's an engineer.
You're crazy, buddy.
[Chuckling.]
Call me that again, I'll reach into your throat and pull your heart out.
Please, Frank.
I've seen him with his shirt off.
I've got to know who or what this Stone's after.
Then you should see my file.
He's kept a complete list of everybody in this camp who's ever been subversive or promoted ahead of certain other doctors just because they showed off by saving more lives.
- I'd like to have a glimmer at that.
- Radar! - I'm not, sir.
- You're not what? You're eavesdropping.
Corporal.
Sir? How'd you like a nose full of nickels? Not a whole lot, sir.
- Do you like the jukebox, son? - Oh, yes, sir.
Well, if you don't get lost, I'm gonna put your head through the glass and pull it out through the coin return.
Anything else, sir, before I go to the latrine? - Disappear.
- Mm-hmm.
I heard him.
He's going into Major Burns' file.
Well, looks like we're gonna have a doubleheader tonight.
We should let Flagg go first.
He's the senior crazy.
- Do you know what he said to me? - Wait a minute.
Hawk, shall we make Frank's files a little more colorful? Good idea, Raleigh.
What'd he say to you, Radar? He said he was gonna shove nickels up my nose.
No kidding.
What song was he gonna play? [Snoring.]
Is that the signal? Either that or Marlene Dietrich's back in town.
Go, tiger.
[Flagg.]
Burns, get up! Let's go, mister! - What is it? - You're under arrest as a subversive.
Whatever game you're playing, I've got enough pictures of your file to have you executed for the rest of your life.
- Subversive? - Can't be.
He's got every record Kate Smith ever made.
- Get dressed.
You're coming with me.
- Hold it, Flagg.
He's mine.
- You'll have to take a number and wait.
- Or call ahead.
Everybody wants to arrest Frank Burns this time of year.
Arrest me? What for, for heaven's sake? - You're a communist.
- He's a fascist.
I'm not either.
I'm nothing.
We'll vouch for that.
I got a list of 17 left-wing charities and organizations you've contributed to.
I never gave a dime to charity.
I believe every man has the right to be poor.
That doesn't explain these communist front groups.
Those were just a front for these.
Aha.
There's a new front moving in.
This shows your radical right-wing activities, from being an usher at a Bund meeting in 1939 to pledging $25 to a Martin Bormann telethon in Argentina.
There's more here, Comrade Burns.
What? Frank, you're entitled to one phone call to the Kremlin.
Do you deny that last month in Tokyo you attended the Russian Ballet? What's wrong with going to the ballet, for Pete's sake? That's how you people operate.
Today you're dancing in Tokyo, tomorrow all over Washington.
You gotta keep on your toes with the Russian Ballet.
Now about this little item? Running a linen laundry for the Ku Klux Klan? I never! It's a lie! They're all lies! - Well, somebody's lying.
- [Mclntyre.]
That's right.
And we know who it is.
It's us.
You two were so intent on finding some breach of security, some leak.
You don't need the real thing.
You guys are self-leaking.
Trying to protect your jobs until you get to the old spies home.
- You could do ten years for this.
- For doctor file doctoring? You can't arrest us.
We got a run-of-the-war contract.
Choppers! Choppers, sirs.
Incoming wounded.
Fellas, it's been both a privilege and a nightmare meeting you.
Trap, I owe you one.
You really hit me below the belt.
Come see me.
I do hernias.
Let's get to work, Frank.
Say "sieg heil" or "or-chi-chornya" to the nice gentlemen.
You've slandered one of the finest Americans since my father.
Buy you a cup of coffee, Sam? Why not? [Flagg's Voice.]
The following is a joint surveillance report, C.
I.
A.
, G2, relative to personnel investigated, MASH 4077th.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce.
CaptainJohn Mclntyre.
Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake.
Major Margaret Houlihan and Major Frank Burns.
Corporal Radar O'Reilly.
Final recommendation, MASH 4077th: Strongly suggest continued observation.