Parks and Recreation s02e24 Episode Script

Ron! Hello, Andy.
It's quiet in here.
Where is everyone? The government is shut down.
It's in every newspaper.
How long is it going to last? Well, if we're lucky, this building will be empty for months.
Wow.
That is really bad timing.
I just got this super sweet-ass rad crotch rocket.
I've always wanted one of these.
But due to, you know, never having a job, I couldn't afford it until now.
Got a really good deal on my lease.
Paying 12% interest.
It's, like, one of the highest you can get.
Hey, so I've been trying like crazy to get a hold of April.
If you see her, will you tell her I really need to talk to her? You got it.
All right.
Thanks, Ron.
Uh-oh! Nailed it.
All I can tell you is that all the parks are closed until further notice.
Look, no one is more upset about this than I am.
Not like it's a competition or anything.
Because if it was, I would win.
But that's neither here nor there.
The point is I would win.
How long will they be closed? Could be forever.
With the government shut down, who is going to stop Al-Qaeda? One thing at a time.
School is out in two weeks.
What am I going to do with my kids all day? Keep them in my house? Where I live? I don't know what to tell you.
What about the kids' concert tomorrow at Ramsett Park? The Freddy Spaghetti concert.
Freddy Spaghetti has been canceled.
Well, sit down and tell me exactly what has happened.
Every year, we kick off the summer with a children's concert series.
And this year, the concert has been canceled due to the shutdown.
It's terrible, and we need to fix it.
All right.
Great.
I'm very glad that you agree with me, but I actually worked really hard on my argument.
Is there any way I can still kind of Yeah? I'd love to hear it.
Oh, good.
Thank you.
You're wrong.
Are you crazy? Can you put a price tag on a child's smile? Leslie Knope.
What a surprise.
The government has been shut for two days, and one city employee has tried to schedule 14 meetings with me.
Can you guess who? Ben? There was a big concert.
Now, there's not.
Isn't there anything that we can do about that? No, there isn't.
That's too bad.
Sorry, Leslie.
Damn! I have to go run 10 miles.
I have run 10 miles a day every day for 18 years.
That's 65,000 miles.
A third of the way to the moon.
My goal is to run to the moon.
Ben, let's talk solutions.
Leslie, Pawnee is broke.
There's no money for a concert.
Okay? I mean, Idaho cut their Parks Department by 80%, and Idaho is basically one giant park.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again, Ben.
Pawnee is better than Idaho.
No, Pawnee is not special.
Okay? Your department, all the way down here, is not a priority.
And frankly, you're not even supposed to be in the building, Leslie.
You're non-essential.
That is not your call.
I know, it's on your badge.
This? This isn't me.
Ann Perkins.
Chris something.
Hi.
I was just doing my daily lunchtime 10 miles and I ran by the hospital, and I thought I'd pop up and say hi.
Did you just start your run? No, I'm already at mile nine.
But you're not sweating at all.
I know.
I have a resting heart rate of 28 beats per minute.
The scientist who studied me said that my heart could pump jet fuel up into an airplane.
I'd love to go out on a date with you.
I think you might find me attractive because you got drunk and kissed me when we first met.
And no pressure, but I do have tonight open.
I am so sorry.
I'm really busy right now.
No problem.
I will try again soon.
Ann Perkins.
That's the guy who likes you, that you're not into.
Yeah.
And which part of him are you not looking at? Traditionally, when I end a long-term relationship, I'm a little fragile, and I have a tendency to do some reckless things.
So I need to stay away from Chris.
I can't stand this government shutdown.
I can't stand this budget crisis.
But what I can't stand is they're canceling Freddy Spaghetti.
You know everything.
What should I do about this? I don't know, Leslie.
Why don't you see a movie or go shopping? Wait a minute.
What are you doing? What's happening? You know, they offered me a buyout, and I took it.
And so now, I work for Norton Construction.
Sorry.
I know I shouldn't have done that.
It's okay.
How could you quit? You know, not everyone has your enthusiasm for this work.
You know, I guess I've been mispronouncing your name all these years.
Mark Brendana-quitz.
Recently, I had been thinking about maybe leaving this job.
But I felt like I needed a sign.
And then Ann broke up with me the week that I was going to propose, the government got shut down, and yesterday one of those pigeons took a on me.
And I was indoors.
So What are you doing here? Hey, sorry.
I need your help.
Is this a bad time? Lucy is here.
I'm in my sexy pajamas.
I just took four Benadryls to dull my sensitivity.
Yes, it is a bad time.
You're about to have sex.
Why else would Boyz II Men's On Bended Knee be playing right now? Okay.
I just want to give you a little advice, which is don't make it last really long.
Ladies don't like that.
Okay.
Great.
Okay? Wait.
Just one more thing.
Are you using protection? You know what? I'm just going to stay away from all guys right now.
Yeah.
Less man-time, more Ann-time.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The only guy that I care about right now is six feet tall with wild, crazy hair and a ukulele that doubles as a water gun.
Freddy Spaghetti.
Children's concerts aren't a priority these days.
You know what is? Sewage.
Pawnee's kids are less important than poop tubes.
I don't know.
I mean, what are you going to do? That's the way it is.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
If all the parks are closed, why not just have the concert in the lot behind my house? Ann, you devious bastard.
Well, the cow goes "moo" and the pig goes "oink" Well, I've spent the last three hours coming up with a plan.
And I sent up the Bat-Signal for all the people in the Parks Department to come and join us.
I told them to be here by 8:00.
Do you think anybody is going to show up? A, yes.
B, even if they don't, we'll just put the concert on ourselves.
But C, yes.
Yes, they're definitely going to show up.
Although, D, maybe not.
I think that you need to prepare for the eventuality that no one Hello? Hello? God bless you, Jerry Gergich! Wow.
I never thought I'd hear those words from you.
Hey.
April is here.
Move, Jerry.
April.
I didn't think you were going to help.
I still might not.
Jerry, how do you feel about lifting heavy things? My doctor just said I should avoid Being a wuss? Yes, I agree.
So, go out there and get the equipment out of the truck.
With current and projected deficits, we need to cut expenditures by 32%.
Let's make it an even 40.
That's not necessary.
Slash it.
Slash it.
I am an official member of a task force dedicated to slashing the city budget.
Just saying that gave me a semi.
Right off the bat, we sell City Hall.
Let somebody turn it into a large gas station or a T.
J.
Maxx.
Ron, that is a very creative idea.
But we don't want to sell any of our major assets, because we don't want to lose out on any future revenue streams.
I hear that.
Don't worry.
I have tons more ideas.
Okay, uh So sorry.
New ring tone.
Don't cut anything without me.
Leslie? I don't care if you hate what we do.
I love it enough for both of us.
We're going to put on the Freddy Spaghetti concert today, 5:00 on Lot 48.
You can't do that.
Watch me.
We're going to do this, Ron.
With or without you.
Hammering away.
Crank it.
Hit it.
Needs 16 minutes for premium bounce.
Oh, hey, after this, can you go pick up Freddy Spaghetti in your Mercedes? We need to give him the star treatment.
Hey.
Sorry we're late.
I had to wait on my girlfriend to finish eating breakfast.
Hi.
I'm Lucy.
Hi.
Hey.
We had dinner last night and breakfast this morning.
What were we doing in between? Sex stuff.
You guys know Tom really well, so I don't have to apologize for his behavior, right? Right.
The craziest thing is it's, like, super loud.
You know what I mean? I was on it for only five minutes, and I can't really hear anything.
Am I talking loud right now? Yeah.
April! Hey! Excuse me.
I called you a gajillion times.
Why didn't you call me back? I'm so sorry.
I was too busy not wanting to talk to you.
Huh? Jerry, what are you doing? Leslie asked me to post these around the neighborhood.
I'll do it.
Really? Wow.
Yes.
You want some help with that? Okay, let's talk about Parks and Rec.
This one is a little complicated.
I know what will loosen up our brains.
Massage train.
And I know what you're thinking.
It's not that I want a massage.
I'll be the caboose.
And Ron Swanson is the locomotive.
And thanks to Ron, the services budget has already been cut significantly.
So, seems like the best option is job cuts.
Starting with Leslie Knope.
No, no, no, no, no.
If you fire Leslie, you might as well just get rid of the department.
Look, I know how valuable she is, believe me.
But we've run out of options.
There are plenty of other options.
For example, sell the zoo animals.
Okay.
To whom? Cosmetics labs? Weird restaurants? I'm just spit-balling here.
Okay, let's switch it up.
Look, she makes the second-highest salary in the department.
It will go a long way.
I'm telling you.
It's just not an option.
Ron, focus up, buddy.
Just give me a sec.
Will you just stop and listen to me? No.
Fine.
I don't want to talk to you, anyways.
Reverse psychiatry.
Fine.
What? I like you.
In a, you know, romantical kind of way.
You do? Yes.
Do you like me? Yes.
So, then perhaps, shall we go out this evening? No.
I don't think we should see each other.
Damn it.
Because you're 21 and I'm 29? No.
I don't care about that.
It's because whenever I see you talk to Ann or talk about Ann, I feel like you still have feelings for her.
What? No, I don't.
But I don't.
Really, I don't.
Well, I think you do.
So That's a problem for me.
Because of my libertarian beliefs, Leslie does 95% of the work.
So you should lay me off.
I'd be proud to be a casualty in this righteous war.
It's precisely because of your beliefs that we need to keep you.
You would maintain fiscal responsibility after we're gone.
I strenuously object.
Okay.
Well, Ron, we're moving on.
Every department is losing a Leslie Knope.
No, Ben, they are not.
No other department has one to begin with.
Right now, she's single-handedly putting up some lousy concert for this city's kids.
She's doing what? Could someone else massage my shoulders? Wow.
Looking good.
Yeah.
I mean, I wish we had built one of those elevators that comes up from under the stage, you know? They're coming! Like a rock arena kind of thing? They're coming! What? They're coming.
What's up? What? Who? The Russians? No, the state auditors.
I accidentally told them what you were doing in an attempt to save some government jobs.
It's been a very strange day for me.
Okay.
Everybody, be cool.
Just be cool.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! All right.
Everybody! Everybody! Hey.
Ann Perkins.
Hi.
Hi.
Everyone.
You are all super amazing.
You are what makes Pawnee great, and I just want to tell you that I am totally supportive of your inspiring efforts here today! All right.
Yeah.
Now, my partner Ben wants to say something.
Yeah, we're shutting this down.
What? Damn! That's terrible news! Surely, there has to be a solution, Ben.
No.
Ben says no.
I'm sorry, everyone.
The concert is canceled, everybody.
No.
Here's the thing, though, Ben.
It's not canceled.
We're putting it on.
Okay? Because the stage is already built.
Everything was donated for free by local vendors.
Everyone here believes that what we're doing is essential.
Freddy Spaghetti will sing.
Actually, Leslie, I just found out.
Freddy Spaghetti ain't coming.
Freddy Spaghetti may not sing.
But something much cooler is going to happen.
I think.
Ann? Okay.
Good job.
You should hydrate.
When we canceled on him, he took another gig in Eagleton.
At a library.
That's literally the worst place I can imagine.
Okay.
Guys? We're not giving up on this.
He's not the only musician in town.
Andy.
I don't know, Leslie.
I don't really feel like playing right now.
Andy, please.
Please, please, please, please, please.
I don't even have children's songs.
My last song I wrote was called Sex Hair.
Well, just take the word "sex" and change it to "pickle.
" Pickle? You got pickle hair, baby And you got it from me Yeah.
Still sounds like it's about sex.
I'm in.
I've got to grab my guitar from my house.
I'll be back shortly! Yeah! See, guys? We have a solution.
And the good news is there's always a solution if your motives are pure, and your cause is just.
There's nothing Ow! My arm! You have two broken bones in your right arm, and four in your hand.
That's the side that hurts.
How soon until he's better? We'll set the fractures, and I'd like to keep him overnight for observation.
Is there any chance you can fix me in the next 10 minutes? Sure, I'll just advance medical science 30 years.
Great.
Can Mouse Rat play without you? They tried once.
They're called Rat Mouse, and they're awful.
But you have got to find somebody.
There's an old saying in show business.
"The show must go wrong.
" Everything always goes wrong, and you just have to deal with it.
Hello, Pawnee.
I'm Renata Ricotta.
Freddy Spaghetti couldn't make it today.
He bumped his noodle.
There was sauce everywhere.
It was just streaming out of his face.
It was really scary.
All right.
If you're happy and you know it Clap your hands If you're happy and you know it Clap your hands Hey, kids! It's me, Freddy Spaghetti! Hey, I thought you were playing in Eagleton.
All I know is this guy showed up and made me a much better offer.
I am all about the money, babe.
She cooked an itsy-bitsy teenie-weenie yellow polka dot linguine That she made for the first time that day Thank you very much.
Ron Corleone.
This really attractive woman is my girlfriend, Lucy.
Hello, Lucy.
Whoa! Hi.
Impressive handshake.
Thanks.
My father told me that a limp handshake was for weak men and Communists.
He hated both.
Well done, Tommy.
Is that bacon on your turkey leg? They call it a Swanson.
Wow.
I brought you your favorite.
Every color of Jell-O.
The Jell-O rainbow.
Thank you.
Injured Andy.
It's kind of like old times, huh? Yeah.
I almost expect you to call me A-Cakes.
A- Cakes.
Well, I'm glad you're okay.
Oh, my God.
I'm I'm so sorry.
I should not I'm sorry.
That was not Spaghetti.
Spaghetti.
Fusilli.
Fusilli.
Egg noodles.
Egg noodles.
Why did you do this? Well, I'm not a monster.
I want the kids to have their concert.
Mean Ben has a soft spot.
Is that what you guys call me? No.
No, no, no.
Mean Ben? Look, this is really great today, but there's going to be a lot of pain ahead, Leslie.
We have to cut Just Can you just stop it? Okay? Just for one moment, enjoy the fact that you provided a service for people, not a cut.
A service.
And they love it.
Macaroni.
Macaroni.
The biggest service was getting you to stop singing.
Linguine.
Tetrazzini.
Tetrazzini.
Hey.
April.
I just heard.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Listen, what I said this afternoon was stupid.
Okay? I totally want to go out with you.
Good.
I want to be with you.
That was nice.
That Yeah.
Here's just one thing, real quick.
I want to be totally honest with you, because I like you so much.
Okay.
But, like, two minutes ago, me and Ann did kiss.
What? But here's No, no, no, no.
It was crazy.
She kissed me.
Okay, bye.
Wait, where are you going? Bye.
No, no, no, no, no! Hey! Bye.
April.
April! Bye! Dude, don't even think about kissing me.
And what was your favorite song, Chelsea? Penne and the Jets.
Me, too! Thank you all so much.
With all the parks closed, we've been going crazy.
It's our pleasure.
Come on.
You guys are the best, most important people in the most important government in the best city in the world.
Suck it, Paris, France.
Well, I would say see you tomorrow, but Great job.
Good work, Leslie.
Bye.
See you.
Bye.
See you soon, I hope.
I liked this a lot better when it was a pit.
Is that weird? I'm sorry I called you Mark Brendana-quitz.
Don't ever apologize to me.
I'm serious.
If everyone in government were like you, then I would probably still work there.
I got you a going-away present.
You did? Mmm-hmm.
Here.
Red tape.
So you'll never forget your roots.
That's really nice of you.
Yeah.
Well, I have something for you, too.
You do? I sort of threw together some plans for a future park.
I couldn't fit everything in that you wanted.
Like the roller coaster or the shark tank.
But I think it's a pretty good start.
Thank you.
You're really welcome.
But, you know, Pawnee's bankrupt.
I doubt I'll get to build a park anytime soon.
I wouldn't bet against you.
See you around.
Mmm-hmm.
Morning.
Hi, what are you doing here? Ron made me the official Parks and Rec representative for the budget discussions.
That's only supposed to be Essential personnel? Yeah.
Yeah.
So, shall we get started? I have so many ideas.
Is this an autographed picture of Jamie Foxx? There it is.
Thank God.
So how long is this shutdown going to last? No idea.
I might have to get a temp job.
Maybe I should start working on my cologne line.
Uh-oh.
Check it out.
Whenever Ron has sex, the next morning, he comes in dressed like Tiger Woods.
You all set? Oh, God.
What? Who is that? That is my ex-wife.