Sanford and Son (1972) s02e24 Episode Script

Lamont! Lamont! Come on down.
I got your lunch ready.
Soup a la Fred.
Lamont, come on down! Why'd you have to get dressed up for lunch? Now I gotta put napkins on the table.
I hope it's something light, Pop.
I've gotta go someplace, and I don't wanna eat too much.
Well, it's light, but it's fillin'.
Cream of leftover meat loaf.
- What's cream of leftover meat loaf? - Soup of the day.
I'm not eatin' no soup that you made.
Listen, this soup is good.
It's not like out of the can.
It's homemade, and it's good.
You know, like that song? M'm, m'm, good M'm, m'm, good Sanford's meat loaf soup is m'm, m'm, good I'm not eatin' it, 'cause you're always lappin' in the soup.
Nobody don't wanna eat no soup after you done lapped in it.
- I ain't been lappin' in it.
- Then how you know it's good? I smelled it.
That's even worse.
Sniffin' in the soup.
Cream of dirty old man soup, and I ain't eatin' it! I spent half of the morning over that hot stove and you ain't gonna eat this soup? I told you I wasn't hungry.
I got something to do.
- That why you all dressed up? - Yeah.
I got a very important interview this afternoon.
- What kind of interview? - I'll tell you if you promise not to go blabbing it all over the neighborhood.
My lips are locked.
I'm goin' to see a man about gettin' a part in a movie.
It's one of them low-budget fiIms done by an independent fiIm company and they pay you $50 a day.
Once the fiIm comes out, I could be discovered.
Now tell me the one about Goldilocks and the three bears.
Why don't you believe me? Same reason I don't believe in the Easter Bunny.
I got good sense.
That's the very thing that makes me mad at you, Pop.
Any old dog or cat could come in here off the street and tell you he was startin' a movie career and you'd be askin' him for an autograph.
But let me, your own flesh and blood tell you the same thing, and you put me down.
- It's not right.
- Any old dog or cat could have talent.
And I suppose I don't have no talent, huh? You ain't got talent to be a junk man.
Maybe you could be a movie star.
You see that? That's why I don't eat soup that you make 'cause you always lappin' in it! I ain't lappin' in it.
You ain't gonna eat none? - No.
- Then I was lappin' in it.
Say, what was this movie about, anyway? I don't know.
I'm going to meet with the director and the producer.
In fact, Rollo should have been here ten minutes ago.
What? Rollo? Did you say Rollo? Yeah, he's the one that told me about it.
If you and Rollo gonna be in a movie, I got the perfect name for it.
"Super Dummies.
" I'm not gonna be a dummy much longer.
Listen, as long as there's a Rollo, you'll be a dummy.
He takes advantage of you 'cause you got an empty head.
Your head is empty.
That's why you make a good pair.
Rollo and Hollow.
- I don't wanna talk about it no more.
- Good.
- I ain't gonna say no more about it.
- Thank you.
- You got into this on your own.
- Right.
I ain't gonna tell you what I'm thinkin'.
Good.
I think you're a bigger fool than I thought you were.
What's the matter with you? Come on in, Rollo.
Is that Rollo? I didn't know you came out in the daytime.
Come on.
Let's get outta here.
Oh, listen.
I don't have a picture of myself.
You think I'm gonna need one? I hope not, 'cause I ain't got a picture of myself either.
Rollo, why don't you go down to the post office and take one of your pictures down off the wall? - Come on.
Let's go.
- Wait.
I ain't through talkin' yet.
Listen, Rollo, I don't like the way you're always gettin' my son messed up in your crazy schemes.
Hey, Pops! This movie don't fall into that category.
This movie's on the for real side, jack.
- You ain't got to explain to him.
- Yes, I do.
Ajoke is a joke, but why you treat me like a criminal when I come here? 'Cause I want you to feel at home.
Man, you behind the times, Mr.
Sanford.
This is the golden age of fiImmaking for the black man.
Those studios are searchin' high and low for star material like myself and Lamont.
That's right, Pop.
Black is very profitable right now.
Studios in Hollywood is comin' out with black fiIms faster than cars are comin' off the assembly lines.
From what I've seen of some of'em they oughta send 'em back for correction like they do them cars that come off the assembly line.
In the old days, movies were movies, and stars were stars.
Louise Beavers, Rex Ingram, Lena Horne.
But nowadays, any fool they cut loose from a football team right away they stick him in front of a camera and call it a movie.
You got to crawl before you walk, jack.
Personally, I'm happy to be numbered among the brothers - taking these great strides forward.
- Me too.
Even if I don't make it, it won't be because I didn't try.
I don't plan to spend my life pumpin' gas and changin' oil.
I don't plan to spend my life sellin'junk.
Then why don't you pump gas and oil and you go sell junk? - Let's get outta here.
- Wait a minute.
I wanna show your old man this ain't jive nonsense we into.
What is that, a summons? This is our passport out of the valley of the shadow of poverty and straight into the splendor that is Beverly Hills.
And up the river to the penitentiary.
Hey, come on, man.
Let's get in the wind.
There they go, Frick and Frack.
Two big-time movie stars.
"Wanted" That sound like Rollo already.
"Wanted: Black movie actors and actresses for exciting fiIm by revolutionary, independent fiIm company.
Yes, that means you, Mister and Miss Untapped Talent.
Are you tired of a lackluster life? This is your chance to take your rightful place with the stars and celebrities that you've watched through the years.
You too can be a movie star.
No previous experience needed.
" Well, them two dummies can be a movie star, so can I.
And they don't have the profile I got.
And I know I can act.
Ronald Colman.
If I were king the stars would be your jury and the sun would be your light.
If I were king.
Charles Laughton.
Come here, Mr.
Christian! Yeah.
Come on in.
Can I help you? My son, Lamont Sanford, and his friend came down here.
He left this with me in case I wanted to get in a movie too.
You must mean those two guys that just got here.
Wait a minute.
Sit down.
Hello, Don? Yeah.
Can you come in here a minute? - So you wanna be in pictures, huh? - Yes.
You ever done any acting? I played Santa Claus in a pageant back in St.
Louis.
- No fooling.
- I still remember some of the words.
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a rat.
Isn't that "mouse"? Rat.
This pageant was in the ghetto.
Don, this gentleman here would like to work in pictures with us.
Don's our director.
What do you think? I think we could find a place for him.
Let me see.
The harem scene.
Wouldn't he be delicious? Yeah, yeah.
Good thinkin', Don.
Yeah, that's good thinkin', Don.
What am I supposed to do now? Go right through that door and relax with your son and his friend.
- We'll be right with you.
- Okay.
Say, listen.
You want me to shave my beard off? I'll shave if you want me to.
No.
You're absolutely perfect just the way you are.
I am, ain't I? Well, look who's here? Rock and Tab.
Oh, no.
What are you doing here? Did you follow us? No, the man said that he could definitely use me and that I was perfect.
And you know, that director said I was delicious.
You know, I think that director is - Rollo, come here, man.
- What? What kind of movie can this be if they're gonna use him? I don't know.
Maybe they just gonna use him for the crowd scene.
All right, gentlemen.
Don, let's go.
Yes.
Now, gentlemen, would you kindly undress down to your shorts? - Yeah, sure.
- Sure.
Okay.
Did you say for us to get undressed? Maybe it's just for our costumes, right, jack? I'm sorry.
You haven't seen the script yet.
It's basically skeletal.
We do a lot of improvisations.
Why don't you take a look at the script yourself? Oh, yeah, that's spiffy.
What kind of movie is this? Ain't nobody got no clothes on.
Now you're gettin' it.
I ain't gettin' nothin' but the hell outta here.
Yeah, come on, Rollo.
Why didn't you tell us this was gonna be a nudie? I ain't gonna be in no naked movie.
I ain't no nudie.
You're already here.
What do you got to lose? You gonna lose about 19 of your teeth if you don't shut up! - Come on.
- Come on, Pop.
Forget it, man.
- Just forget it.
- Hold on! Don't anybody move! You're all under arrest! Wait a minute, Officer.
What's the charge? The charge is taking part in a pornographic movie.
- What? - Come on! Out! Move! You too! Let's go! Oh, I feel a big one! I'm comin' to join you, Elizabeth! You hear that? But shut your eyes, honey! It's a nudie rap! Let me outta here, you hear that? Let me outta here! Hey, let me outta here! Ajailbird.
A 65-year-old jailbird.
I'll bet you they cut off my Social Security.
Relax, Pop.
Mr.
Sanford, you better calm down.
Don't let this place get to you.
Pretty soon you'll be stir-crazy.
Then they'll throw you in the hole.
You mean like they did Paul Muni in I Was a Fugitive from a Chain Gang? - That's it.
- I couldn't take that.
Hey! Let me outta here! I'm innocent! I didn't do nothin'! Let me outta here! You just wait until Ralph Abernathy finds out about this! - Let me outta here! - Pop, quiet down.
- Let me out! - Knock it off! - I wanna get outta here.
- Say, old dude, what's wrong with you? Why don't you cancel all this noise you're making? Can't even hear my radio for you.
Listen, I'm a real sick man.
I got to get out so I can get to my medicine, else I'll go like this.
I mean, like this.
- So? - "So"? Is that all you can say? What kind of brother are you? You must be a West Indian.
What do you want me to do? Let me outta here so I can make my one phone call.
What one phone call is that, old dude? The one phone call you get to make when you get arrested.
If you'd been watching Perry Mason, you'd know what I'm talkin' about.
He's right.
We do get to make one phone call.
Okay, I'll let you make your one phone call if you be quiet.
Good.
Say, Pop, look.
I'll make the phone call, okay? See, I was just gonna call Sparitoba.
- You know, Bubba's friend Sparitoba? - Who's Sparitoba? He's a part-time lawyer and deliveryman down at Leo's Barbecue.
Today is Friday, so he'll be out there delivering at Leo's Barbecue today.
Never mind, Pop.
I know who to call, okay? - I'll be right back.
- You can say that again, jack.
Say, listen here.
Where's the men's room? Just turn around and aim yourself in that direction.
- There? - There.
That's it? Yeah.
What did you think it was, a goldfish bowl? Well it's all out in the open.
I ain't gonna never be able to use that.
I hope you don't get too long a sentence then.
Say, listen, gimme a cigarette, will you? I ain't got any.
I thought you quit smoking anyway.
I did, but when I get upset, I gotta have me a cigarette.
Anybody here got a cigarette? - Oh, Mr.
Sanford.
- Yeah, who is that? Over here, Mr.
Sanford, in the next cell.
What you want? I heard you asking for a cigarette, and I thought I'd offer you one.
- I don't know if these are your brand.
- Any brand is all right as long as it ain't none of that Acapulco artichoke.
This could be very disconcerting the first time around.
Sometimes you just need someone to hold your hand, so to speak.
A man could get locked up here away from loved ones and sweethearts.
It could get very lonely after a few weeks.
I'm sorry.
Here's my lighter.
Here's your cigarette and your lighter.
- What happened? - Everything's cool.
I called Aunt Esther.
She's on the way over here.
Esther? You called Aunt Esther up? Now everybody in town is gonna know about this! - Is Aunt Esther a talker? - Is she a talker? Her mouth's so big, you can put your head in it with your hat on.
Pop, we need Aunt Esther.
She's the one with the habeas corpus.
Yeah, she got a big one of them too.
You don't want Esther to get us out of here? You wanna stay in here? Maybe, if they give me a cell with a decent toilet.
Dinner is served.
This is dinner? There's a fried bologna sandwich on toast, hot warm milk, Tootsie Roll Pops and I'll warm that up for you if you want me to.
No? Well, bon appétit, amigos.
Why, you I can't eat this here.
I'm goin' on a hunger strike.
You hear that, City Hall? I'm goin' on a hunger strike! Pop! Would you quiet down? That's not gonna help.
I can't eat no sandwiches.
Sandwiches make me burp.
Eat your Tootsie Roll Pop, Pop.
That's good.
What a way to spend my last days sittin' between two dummies, suckin' on a Tootsie Roll Pop.
Well, here they are, ma'am.
Winkin', Blinkin' and Nod.
Aunt Esther, are we glad to see you.
Well, I'm sure not glad to see you, at least not in jail.
Why don't you shut up, Esther.
You just keep suckin' on that sucker, sucker.
And when I pull your chain, you bark.
Otherwise, don't you say nothin'.
Lamont Sanford, I'm ashamed of you.
If your mother was alive to see you now, this would break her heart.
This would kill her.
Hey, you over there.
Aren't you Rita Larson's boy Rollo? - Yes, ma'am.
- Just wait till Rita hears about this.
It's gonna break her heart.
Aunt Esther, are you gonna help us get outta here? They're checkin' it out upstairs.
Fred Sanford, I'm glad my sister isn't here to see this and see the awful stain you put on our family.
Listen, Esther, I didn't put no stain on your family.
Your family was stained when I met you-all.
- Don't you talk about my family! - I'll talk about your family.
Every time a baby was born, they had that ugly stain on 'em.
That's right.
That ugly stain.
Even Ajax couldn't do nothin' with a stain like that.
How dare you say something like that about my family! Why, you bean-eatin' bear hugger! - Don't you call me that! - I'm gonna beat your brains in! Don't you talk about my family! Wait a minute, lady.
Just a minute.
Please! Lady, just a minute.
Please! Whew! All right, now.
Fred Sanford, Lamont Sanford and Rollo Larson.
- Yeah, that's us.
- You're the men who were brought in in conjunction with a raid on a pornographic fiIm factory, right? Yeah, but it was We were framed! We're innocent! Wait a minute, Pop.
Don't spoil it for us.
Yeah, shut your double-breasted lips! - Lady - You dirty old man! Guilt is written all over your lecherous face! - Will you hold it, please? - You shut your big Quiet, quiet.
- Lady, hold it! - Don't you tell me to shut up! I'll shut up when I get ready! You don't tell me to shut up! Wait a minute.
Thank you.
We can get this thing all cleared up right away.
Now, I'm sorry if your detention has inconvenienced you gentlemen but we had to check out your story, and you've been exonerated.
- Hey, beautiful! - Can we get outta here now, Lieutenant? That's right.
Let 'em go.
- Wait a minute.
- What? - Don't let 'em out yet.
- What? - I got somethin' to say to 'em.
- Can't you say it out on the street? These heathens ain't gonna stand still to listen to this.
Isaiah, chapter 42, verses 5 to 7.
Don't tell me "Thus said God the Lord, I the Lord have called you in righteousness to bring out the prisoners and them that sit in darkness out of the prison house.
" I don't hear no amen in there.
Can I get an amen for chapter 42? - Amen.
- Amen.
Let us get on outta here.
Well, all right.
Let me hear somethin' if you wanna get out.
You're not the only one that knows something about the Bible.
Remember this: He who keep runnin' thy lipeth will get their lipeth spliteth with one of these! And one of those! It's been a long, hard day.
I think I'm gonna turn in, Pop.
You hear what I said? What are you reading? Huh? I'm lookin' at the movie section.
You think those porno movies ain't big these days? Listen.
They all over the place.
Look at these.
"Nurse's Night Out.
Frank, daring and bold.
" And here's another one.
"Sweets from Sweden.
No one under 40 admitted.
" And here's another one.
"Sex on the High Seas.
The story of a man, a woman and a fish.
" - They're disgustin', ain't they? - Yeah.
A lot of people are gettin' uptight about them pictures.
They've been condemned in a lot of places.
They should be.
- I'd be the first one to condemn 'em.
- Do what you want to do.
- I'm goin' to bed.
- You think I won't? You betcha I'll call somebody.
Nurse's Night Out.
Sweets from Sweden.
High seas and all that.
What happened to old family movies? Like Mickey Rooney in them Andy Hardy pictures, stuff like that.
Nobody don't play that stuff no more.
Hello.
This the Paradise Theater? Yeah.
Well, listen.
You showin' a picture tonight called Nurse's Night Out? What are you doing showing that kind of movie in a neighborhood theater? What? It shows what? They are? They do? Well, listen, what time the next one start? Yeah.
Okay.
I gotta go down and see 'em before I can condemn 'em.
Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience.