That '70s Show s02e24 Episode Script

How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a toosie pop? One Two-hoo.
Ah, screw it.
Ow, my tooth! Oh, why did I have to bite it? Eric, if you don't want to wear your ass for a hat, you'll get up here, pronto! You better go.
You know how that ass-hat screws up your hair.
Poor Forman, man.
Working for Red like that.
I wouldn't wish that on my enemies.
I would.
Those suckas must pay! Hey, Jackie.
Michael,why don't you save the sweet talk for the next idiot who's dumb enough to date you.
You know, Jackie, if you are in the market for a new lover, they say, once you go Fez, you never go back.
In my language that rhymes.
Okay, Uh-huh.
Where's Donna? She's upstairs with Forman.
And don't follow me, Michael.
We're broken up and I mean it.
Oh, I wasn't! And thank God we're broken up, because Damn, I miss her! Well, golly gee, Kelso, who wouldn't? Oh, spare me the sarcasm, Hyde.
I'm really hurting here and I'm totally lonely Man, I've seen people gut-shot who complain less than you.
Kelso, What do you miss about her ? All she ever did was call you names.
Heck, I can do that for you.
You idiot.
See? Aw, thanks, Fez.
No problem.
Fartface! You know what the great thing about whistling ? You can stop whistling! Oh.
Sorry.
Eric, bend your knees and lift with your legs or else I'm gonna-- Kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Geez, and I didn't think you were listening.
Oh, and I need you to re-sticker the clock radios.
They're on sale.
Yeah, I saw the flyer.
I already took care of it.
Really? Well, way to show initiative "Way to show initiative"? What are you up to? Nothing.
I just think you did a god job.
Okay.
But I'm watching you.
Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late, Red.
My dog was hit by a car, and I had to rush him to the vet.
Earl, your god got hit on Tuesday, too.
How dumb is that dog.
Okay, you're right.
I'm sorry, Red.
I know you gave me a break, 'cause we worked to the plant together.
And I appreciate it.
I swear it's the last time.
Earl, Why can't you be more like Eric? I mean, He's eighteen-- Dad, I'm seventeen.
Eric, I'm talking here.
And he's got a better work ethic than you.
Oh, no doubt there, Red.
You can tell he's your son, 'cause he's just super, - Earl, just get to work okay.
- Sure, right after a cup of joe, I'm useless without my cofee.
Wow, I guess he hasn't had coffee in years, huh? Hey, that's pretty funny! Okay, what's up with you! Hey, Kelso.
How's it going? How's it going? Great! Just because a guy shoots hoops by himself, that doesn't mean he's lonely.
No, far from it.
Okay.
That's good.
Hey, Donna? All this talk about being lonely kind of reminds me of me, you know? Kelso, are you gonna get all emotional? 'Cause just 'cause I'm a girl doesn't mean that I won't totally make fun of you.
Fair enough.
I know I keep things bottled up, but under this cool exterior, there's a real sad human being.
Oh, God, Kelso, is this about Jackie? Yes! What gave it away? The fact that it's all you ever talk about, you stupid dillhole.
Look,Kelso, get it through your head.
Jackie's not coming back to you.
But why? Because you slept with someone else! Yeah, like a month ago, God! I just realized Jackie's short.
And I don't like short people.
They're creepy.
Always sneaking up on you.
I don't even know why I was with her.
Maybe it's because she is a tiny little whore.
Oh, I meant to hurt you, but I hurt myself because I love her.
Hey, guys, I really cracked Red up today.
And not by tripping, or getting wet, or vomiting-- Did you bump your head? That's good stuff.
No.
I made a joke, and he got it! At work, we're like just two guys, brought together by the common goal of slashing prices on all your household needs.
Plus, man, it's so great to see him chew out other people.
Yeah, Forman, now you know how we feel when he yells at you.
It really is hilarious.
You get all bug-eyed and stuttery.
Fellas, I've been thinking.
There are a lot of ladies out there.
And I haven't seen nearly enough of them naked.
Sometimes I am looking at naked ladies, and then I get exhausted and then I get a second wind and I am ready for more naked ladies.
It's like, at work there's this guy, Earl,he's a real screw-up right.
So Red gets pretty P.
O.
ed.
But that deflects all of Red's anger from me.
So I mean, Earl's like.
a "dumbass" lightning rod.
I hear ya.
I'll only work with the barely-competent.
It takes the stress out of slacking off.
Man it feels great to be free of that midget.
The world is my oyster, and I'm ready to shuck it.
Nothing but hot new ladies from here on in.
I'm gonna be boldly going where no man's gone before.
Hi, Mrs.
Forman.
I'm here to pick up Laurie.
No.
No.
You mean, Eric.
No, Laurie.
Your other kid.
But, but, why? You're dating Laurie? That's not different, man.
You're boldly going where every man's gone before.
Steven! It's not nice to be so truthful.
Hi, Kelso.
Did you buy me those? Yep.
Just like you told me.
No, I told you roses.
Come on, doofus.
No offense, Mrs.
Forman, but those two could make the dumbest babies ever.
That's not funny.
- Speaking of work-- - We weren't talking about work.
Work, right.
Dad and I really put in some hard hours today.
Didn't we, Pop? Yep.
Eric really busted his hump down there.
Well, I'm just so happy my two fellas work so well together.
Hey, how's Earl doin'? He's okay.
But his damn dog can't go a day without getting hit by a car.
At least I got one good man down there.
Right back at ya, big guy.
Well, that Earl's always been a character.
Yeah.
And today, he was late, and Dad said get to work, and he said, "Sorry, Red, I'm useless without my coffee," and then I said, "He must not have had coffee in years!" Right, right? Oh, that's cute.
It's not even my best Earl's joke, okay ready, 'knock knock, who's there?' it's not Earl, 'cause he's late.
Yeah, I'm guessin' Earl's not short for early.
It's a good one Red.
I got one, The one's girl in the tucket - okay, okay Hey, Laurie, could you GET OUUUT !! Thanks.
C'mon, Kelso, come up to my room.
I need you to help me move my bookcase.
That means we're gonna have sex.
Yeah, thanks for cracking that code.
what are you doing? They're going to have sex! Get the wax out of your ears! Man, You can't bring my sister down to the basement, this is our "Fortress of Solitude" Well, I'm sorry, but she's my girlfriend and I love her.
No, you don't.
Well, I like her.
No, you don't.
I think she is okay.
And the line between "love" and "okay" is pretty fine.
But the line between "doing it" and "not doing it," that's not fine at all! Just like the line between "moron" and "idiot.
" Exactly.
It took me months to get Jackie in the sack.
But Laurie, she already let me do it and plus, I'm over here all the time anyways.
So, there's like the convenience factor.
Kelso, my book case isn't going to move itself.
Or maybe it will.
Damn! I gotta go! Dumbest babies ever! Jackie, it's great to see you so happy.
And strong.
And over Kelso.
You're like a rock.
You're like a tiny little rock.
Donna, are you trying to tell me bad news? Or are you making fun of my butt? - No, your butt's fine.
- Fine?! Glorious, whatever.
Look, uh, Kelso's dating Laurie.
I don't care.
Oh, come on,how can you still have feelings for him? Donna, I don't have feelings for him.
I just hate that bitch for making him happy.
Oh, believe me, Jackie, she will make him more miserable than you ever did.
Oh, Donna, thank you.
I'm gonna pray to God that you're right Laurie, I have to talk to you.
Kelso, we gotta confab, man.
Okay.
Too many times, I have sat idly by and watched you make bad choices.
I've seen you screw up an awful lot.
And sure, I've enjoyed it.
But now, you've gone too far.
Do you know what this is about? Duh.
I'm not an idiot.
Nuh-uh.
Michael has some nice qualities, but Laurie's got great legs and a fine rack, but he's just a boy.
she's a major skankoid.
And you don't know where a boy like that will end up.
And you don't know where a girl like that has been.
Now, I know you want a boyfriend who's weak and easily manipulated Now, I know you're weak and easily manipulated but you're got to learn to think about the future.
but you've got to learn to think.
And make smart choises, 'Cause, what's convenient isn't always what's best.
If it were I'd just throw on a muumuu and eat out of a can.
If it were this frozen pizza wouldn't taste like monkey-butt.
Okay.
Are you done with this little lecture? Okay.
Are you done with that pizza? Yes.
And I thik I made my point.
God, I gotta get my own place.
This doesn't taste like monkey-butt! Aw, geez, Red, I'm sorry I'm late for our little meeting.
My dog uh, car got hit by a car.
Accident, that's the word.
Eric, you need to take your break anywhere but here.
Earl, you're fired.
What? What did I do? What did you do? I'll tell you what you did.
Ewh fupid basshod.
Esh mubdkin bowed fup make mady may fif dof moodin' fafe mass mexfudes.
Dew fod mup febrey may fook.
Snarkle forkle fo.
Ewh fupid basshod.
And another thing Esh mubdkin bowed fup make mady may And another thing! Mucka zooka ho Hi, how was your day? I had to let Earl go.
Let him go? You yelled at him until he cried.
Hey, what kind of man cries after only fiftenn minutes of yelling? Well, I'm sorry, but I don't like the way you handled Earl.
Dad, He was your friend.
Eric, hush shush hush hush.
Eric, Work is work.
You don't show up late, you don't make excuses, and you don't not work.
If it wasn't "work," they wouldn't call it work.
They'd call it "super-wonderful, crazy-fun time!" Or "Skippedydoo!" Aw, geez, why the hell am I even talking to you? Oh, Eric, why'd you have to upset your father? What, I can't have my own opinion without him tearing my head off? No, and I think at your age, you should know that by now.
Well, no, Mom, no.
Uh-uh.
We had such a good thing going at work, and he wrecked it.
And by the way, without Earl, I'm back to dumbass.
He's just mean.
Oh, you shut your porky mouth, mister.
Well then, it just stinks,because you know what it's the first time that we were ever, like,you know, cool with each other.
Man, Why does he have to be such a hard ass all the time? Oh, come on, Eric.
That's how he expresses himself.
That's always how he's expressed himself.
Your father yells at you because he cares.
Yeah, right, well, if that's true, then Stand up straight.
You're a dumbass.
You call this a report card? Hands above the covers Oh, I guess he really really cares.
And if not you're moving out soon.
So you know who I hate? Laurie.
Oh, Jackie, I know you are upset and in pain, but you're not going to talk during the Hollwood Squares, are you? Well I mean, I really do hate her.
No offense, Eric, but your sister's a slut.
Oh, my God, Jackie, not since the "Smokey versus Bandit" debate have you and I been so on the same page.
Yeah, I think we're all on board.
Oh God! This is so great.
You guys all hate Laurie and love me.
Yeah we all hate Laurie.
Shush! Oh, great, Lambchop had a joke, and I missed it! Hey, guys.
Oh, Hi, Michael.
Kelso, as your new girlfriend, I'm really not comfortable with your old girlfriend hanging out down here.
Okay.
Jackie, do you mind? No.
I don't mind if you leave.
She's not leaving.
Well, I'm not either.
She's not either.
Fine.
Fine.
Fine.
Fine.
Hey, this is my house.
So what? Eric wants me here, don't you, Eric? Why, yes I do! You better watch your back.
Really? cause you shouldn't spend so much time on yours.
Oh, burn! Hey, I'm Sorry, I just got swept away by the super good burn.
Shut up! Jackie, that was an excellent burn.
Thank you, Fez.
Now, please sit next to Fez-- --Move it! What the hell were you doing in the shower so long? You know, it wastes water and I might be late.
In fact, I'm definitely not gonna be the first person there.
You know how that makes me look? Damn it, you gotta grow up and learn some responsibility.
I love you, too, Dad.
Stop being weird.
Thanks.