The Cosby Show s02e24 Episode Script

"SHE WALKS IN BEAUTY LIKE THE NIGHT "OF CLOUDLESS "SHE WALKS IN BEAUTY "LIKE THE NIGHT I'M SO EMBARRASSED TO STUMBLE IN FRONT OF MY FORMER PROFESSOR.
HEATHCLIFF IF YOU CAN'T REMEMBER SOMETHING SO ELEMENTARY THEN ALL MY YEARS OF TEACHING AT HILLMAN WILL HAVE BEEN WASTED.
I KNOW IT.
"SHE WALKS "SHE WALKS IN BEAUTY "SHE WALKS CLIFF, LET THE WOMAN SIT DOWN.
SHE'S BEEN WALKING A LONG TIME.
NO, I KNOW THE POEM.
WHAT TIME IS YOUR LECTURE AT RUTGERS? TOMORROW AFTERNOON AT 3:00.
IF YOU'RE WAITING FOR CLIFF TO REMEMBER THIS POEM CALL THEM TO SAY YOU'LL BE LATE.
"SHE WALKS "IN BEAUTY LIKE THE NIGHT "OF CLOUDLESS CLIMES AND STARRY SKIES "AND EVERYWHERE THAT MARY WENT "THE LAMB WAS SURE I'M SORRY.
WRONG AND PATHETIC.
PROFESSOR, WOULD YOU PLEASE TELL MY WIFE WHAT GRADE I GOT IN YOUR CLASS? IF MY MEMORY SERVES CORRECTLY HEATHCLIFF RECEIVED AN "A".
WOULD YOU PLEASE TELL EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM WHAT GRADE CLAIR OLIVIA HANKS RECEIVED? A STUDENT'S GRADE IS CONFIDENTIAL.
IT WAS A "B"! WELL, CLIFF, YOU MAY HAVE RECEIVED AN "A" BUT "SHE WALKS IN BEAUTY LIKE THE NIGHT "OF CLOUDLESS CLIMES AND STARRY SKIES "AND ALL THAT'S BEST OF DARK AND BRIGHT "MEET IN HER ASPECT AND HER EYES "THUS MELLOWED TO THAT TENDER LIGHT WHICH HEAVEN TO GAUDY DAY DENIES.
" BEAUTIFUL.
NOW DEAL WITH THAT! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
( RING ) HELLO? HEY, CHUCK.
YOU'RE KIDDING? REALLY BAD, HUH? SO YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO PLAY TONIGHT? NO.
STAY HOME AND TAKE IT EASY.
WE'LL PLAY CUTTHROAT.
BYE-BYE.
WHAT'S WRONG? CHUCK IS COMING DOWN WITH THE FLU.
HE CAN'T PLAY PINOCHLE TONIGHT.
IF IT'S OKAY, I'LL BE YOUR PARTNER.
YOU PLAY PINOCHLE? YES.
I'M A VERY GOOD PLAYER.
REALLY? IT WAS I WHO PUT THE "P" IN PINOCHLE.
DR.
FOSTER YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A GAME LIKE THIS ONE.
ONCE A MONTH CLIFF'S FATHER AND HIS FRIEND HOMER COME OVER TO DESTROY CLIFF AND CHUCK.
IN FIVE YEARS, THEY HAVE NOT WON A SINGLE GAME.
I'D LOVE TO PLAY AGAINST THESE MEN.
I DON'T THINK SO.
I WOULD.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
FOR INSTANCE, IN PINOCHLE WHEN YOU TURN ALL OF THE TRICKS, IT'S CALLED A "HEAD RUB.
" WELL, MY FATHER AND HOMER DON'T SAY, "CONSIDER YOURSELF RUBBED.
" THESE FELLOWS ACTUALLY RUB YOUR HEAD? THEY JUST DON'T RUB, DR.
FOSTER-- THEY POLISH THEY BUFF THEY WAX AND THEY CHEAT.
THEY USE HAND SIGNALS? THEY'RE REALLY NOT THAT SOPHISTICATED.
THEY SAY THINGS LIKE: "I SHOULDN'T HAVE EATEN THAT HOT DOG BECAUSE NOW I HAVE HEART-BURN.
" YES.
IT'S EVEN WORSE THAN THAT.
THINGS LIKE: "YOU KNOW, YESTERDAY MY WIFE WENT OUT INTO THE GARDEN AND TOOK HER SPADE.
" AH AND, "LATER WE WENT TO THE NIGHT-CLUB.
" MAIL.
ANYTHING FOR ME? NOPE.
WHO'S THE PACKAGE FOR? "MR.
THEODORE HUXTABLE.
" OPEN IT.
NOW, RUDY, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF SOMEBODY OPENED YOUR MAIL? I NEVER GET ANY.
"GRANDSTONE MERCHANDISING.
" HMM DOESN'T MAKE ANY NOISE.
SMELL IT.
IT JUST SMELLS LIKE MAIL.
DROP IT.
NOW I REFUSE TO DROP THIS PACKAGE.
I WILL.
FREEZE! IS THAT MY PACKAGE? WHAT PACKAGE? IT'S YOUR PACKAGE, THEO.
THANKS.
ALL RIGHT! VANESSA: WHAT IS IT? IT'S PERSONAL.
( KNOCKING ) WHO IS IT? DENISE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT? I'M RETURNING YOUR HAT.
OKAY, COME IN.
THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME WEAR IT.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
WHAT'S THAT? CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET? SURE.
CLOSE THE DOOR.
I GOT TANYA SOMETHING.
OOH, TANYA.
YOU TWO BECOMING A THING? I'VE SEEN HER FOR A WHILE AND I LIKE HER.
DID YOU BUY HER A RING? YOU'LL SEE.
YOU BOUGHT HER A RING! KEEP IT DOWN! LET ME SEE IT.
ALL RIGHT! IT'S BEAUTIFUL, ISN'T IT? YEAH, IT'S SOMETHING.
HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR A RING LIKE THIS? UH TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS? WELL THREE HUNDRED.
THEO, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'D PAY FOR THAT.
YOU'D NEVER BELIEVE IT.
I GOT THIS RING FOR ONLY $19.
95.
IT'S FROM ONE OF THOSE TV COMMERCIALS? YUP, AND IT COMES WITH A MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE IF I'M NOT FULLY DELIGHTED.
THEO THESE AREN'T EVEN REAL DIAMONDS.
THE COMMERCIAL CALLS THEM "DIAMONDNOIDS.
" YEAH, BUT THEY'RE AS CLOSE TO REAL DIAMONDS AS YOU CAN GET.
THEY'VE BEEN POPULAR IN EUROPE FOR YEARS AND NOW THEY'RE FINALLY AVAILABLE IN THIS COUNTRY.
THEO, THERE'S NO WAY TANYA WILL THINK THESE ARE REAL.
THERE ISN'T? NO.
THEY DON'T LOOK IT.
I GUESS.
BUT IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS, RIGHT? RIGHT.
DID IT COME WITH ANYTHING ELSE LIKE A NECKLACE OR A BRACELET? NO, BUT THEY'RE SENDING A BAMBOO STEAMER.
NOW, DR.
FOSTER BEFORE MY FATHER AND HOMER ARRIVE WE SHOULD WORK OUT SOME SIGNALS.
"OH, WHAT A TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE WHEN FIRST WE PRACTICE TO DECEIVE.
" DO YOU WANT TO WIN? YES BUT FAIRLY AND SQUARELY.
YOU'RE DEALING WITH THE JAMES BOYS.
THIS IS FRANK AND JESSE.
IN THE WORDS OF MONTY HALE: "SHOOT LOW.
THEY MIGHT BE CRAWLING.
" WELL, I'D RATHER LOSE AS A GENTLEMAN THAN WIN AS A SCOUNDREL.
YOU'LL GET THE REST OF YOUR HAIR RUBBED OFF.
HEY, DAD.
HOW YOU DOING? DR.
FOSTER.
COULD I TALK TO YOU? IS IT ABOUT MONEY? NO.
LET'S GO.
I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
WHEN YOU SEE IT, I WANT YOUR HONEST REACTION.
JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK.
YOU WANT MY REACTION? YES.
$19.
95.
HOW DID YOU KNOW? IT'S "DIAMONDNOIDS.
" I SAW IT ON TELEVISION.
WHEN DO YOU EVER WATCH WRESTLING? IT WASN'T WRESTLING.
IT WAS 4:00 A.
M.
I WAS WATCHING AN OLD MOVIE.
WHO IS IT FOR? TANYA.
TANYA.
IS IT HER BIRTHDAY? NO.
CHRISTMAS? NO, JUST FOR FRIENDSHIP.
YOU DON'T WANT HER FOR A FRIEND VERY LONG, DO YOU? JUST KIDDING.
I SHOULDN'T GIVE HER THE RING? YOU SHOULD BRING HER IN HERE DURING THE WRESTLING MATCH-- YOU KNOW, WHEN THEY PUT THE COMMERCIAL ON? AND IF SHE SAYS "OH, THAT LOOKS NICE!" THEN YOU GO IN YOUR POCKET AND SAY, "HERE YOU GO.
" NO, I'M SERIOUS.
( DOORBELL ) HEY, GRANDPA.
THEO! HEY, MR.
DOBSON.
YOU LOOK SHARP.
THANKS.
I'VE GOT A DATE.
THEN YOU WANT TO TAKE OFF.
SEE YOU LATER.
WRESTLING AT 9:00! HEY, SON.
DAD, HOW ARE YOU? NO, DON'T RUB MY HAIR OFF YET! HOW YOU DOING? NO! WHERE'S CHUCK? CHUCK HAS THE FLU AND HE WILL NOT BE COMING OVER.
BESIDES, HE DIDN'T WANT TO PLAY WITH CHEATERS.
WHO? US? WE'VE NEVER CHEATED A DAY IN OUR LIVES.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? DON'T WANT TO GET HIT BY THE LIGHTNING.
I GUESS IT'S JUST THE THREE OF US.
WE'LL PLAY CUTTHROAT-- EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF.
NO.
I HAVE A PARTNER.
REALLY? DID YOU GO TO "RENT-A-LOSER"? NO.
NO, I HAVE A PARTNER.
IT'S DR.
FOSTER.
HE'S A DOCTOR? DEPARTMENT AT HILLMAN.
A HILLMAN MAN? AH, THESE MUST BE OUR WORTHY OPPONENTS.
DR.
FOSTER, MEET FRANK AND JESSE.
DR.
FOSTER, I'M CLIFF'S FATHER, RUSSELL HUXTABLE AND THIS IS MY FRIEND, HOMER DOBSON.
IT'S A REAL PLEASURE.
HEATHCLIFF SAYS YOU FELLOWS ARE SPIRITED PLAYERS.
WE LIKE A GOOD GAME.
WE PLAY TO HAVE FUN.
WE DON'T CARE WHETHER WE WIN OR LOSE.
LIGHTNING.
HEATHCLIFF AND I WILL NOT BE EASILY BEATEN.
THAT'S GOOD.
THAT MAKES THE GAME THAT MUCH MORE ENJOYABLE.
THEN LET THE GAMES BEGIN.
FRESH MEAT.
OH, NO.
HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S BEEN RUBBED TO DEATH.
NO MATTER HOW DUMB THE DEALER LOOKS ALWAYS CUT THE CARDS.
YOUR EYES MAY SHINE, YOUR TEETH MAY GRIT BUT THE CARDS YOU WANT YOU WILL NOT GET.
WATCH IT, HOMER.
THAT WAS LOW.
AM I MISSING SOMETHING? THEY'RE TELLING US THAT SINCE THEY'RE PLAYING US VULTURES ARE CIRCLING OVERHEAD.
AHH.
HELLO, GENTLEMEN.
CLAIR.
PLEASE SIT DOWN.
I'M TAKING THE GIRLS OUT FOR SOME ICE CREAM.
SHALL I BRING HOME SOME FOR THE WINNERS? GOOD IDEA.
WHAT KIND, HOMER? I COULD GO FOR SOME PECAN PRALINE.
YEAH, THAT WOULD BE GOOD AFTER THE VICTORY.
I GOT IT.
COME ON, SWEETHEART.
OH, NO, RUDY, YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL YOU GIVE GRANDDAD A KISS.
WHEN DOES DADDY GET HIS HEAD RUBBED? LATER, SWEETHEART.
GENTLEMEN, BEFORE WE BEGIN, I HAVE A QUESTION.
DO YOU USUALLY PLAY STRAIGHT PARTNERS CUTTHROAT OR DOUBLE-DECK AUCTION WITH A WIDOW? STRAIGHT PARTNERS.
STANDARD SCORING OR THE MIDWEST CHECK SYSTEM? JUST WHAT IS THE MIDWEST CHECK SYSTEM? THEO, I'M SO GLAD YOU TOLD ME ABOUT THIS BOOK.
IT'S WONDERFUL.
I KNEW YOU'D LIKE IT.
LISTEN TO THIS: "BUT IN THE HERENESS OF DUSK "I AM MOVING TOWARD THE DOOM-LIKE BELLS TO THE FLOWERED AIR BENEATH THE RISING MOON.
" ELLISON'S GREAT, ISN'T HE? HE SURE IS.
TANYA? YES? CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION? SURE.
DO YOU WATCH WRESTLING? WRESTLING? NO, I DON'T LIKE IT THAT MUCH.
WE'VE BEEN SEEING EACH OTHER FOR ABOUT FOUR WEEKS.
ALMOST FIVE.
THAT LONG? YEAH, IT'S BEEN THAT LONG.
I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYONE ELSE SINCE I STARTED SEEING YOU.
ME, EITHER.
ALL RIGHT.
SO WHAT DID YOU WANT TO ASK, THEO? WELL, THIS ISN'T EASY FOR ME WAIT.
THEO, IS IT THAT YOU WANT TO SEE SOMEONE ELSE? NO, NO, IT'S NOT THAT.
NOT AT ALL.
IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
LET'S READ SOME MORE.
OKAY.
CLIFF YOU STUDY LONG, YOU STUDY WRONG.
YOU STUDIED WRONG.
I THINK I'LL NEED A LITTLE HELP ON THIS ONE, PARTNER.
PAY THEM NO MIND, HEATHCLIFF.
IT'S MERELY SOUND AND FURY SIGNIFYING NOTHING AND WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT SILLY CARD? ARE YOU GOING TO PLAY THE CARD? WHY SHOULD I WHEN IT FEELS SO GOOD ON MY FOREHEAD? COME ON.
PLEASE, PLAY THE CARD.
THANK YOU, PARTNER.
NOTHING TO IT.
YOU KNOW, RUSSELL THIS WARM WEATHER REMINDS ME WHEN I WAS YOUNG.
WE USED TO TAKE THE BALL AND THE GLOVE AND GO DOWN TO THE BASEBALL DIAMOND.
YOU KNOW, HOMER SOMETIMES WHEN I WENT OUT TO PLAY BASEBALL IT WOULD RAIN.
AND WE HAD TO GO SIT IN THE CLUBHOUSE.
I THINK I'M GOING TO LEAD WITH CLUBS.
I WONDER WHY.
GOOD PLAYING.
YOUR TURN, SON.
IS THAT THE KING OF CLUBS? YES.
TO BORROW FROM THE GREAT DUKE ELLINGTON IT DON'T MEAN A THING IF I BEAT YOUR KING.
YOU HAD THE ACE? YES, I DID.
DR.
FOSTER IF YOU'LL THROW IN, I'LL COLLECT THIS TRICK.
THAT MAY BE DIFFICULT TO DO, MR.
HUXTABLE, SENIOR.
SINCE YOU THREW YOUR ACE IN MY FACE I'LL BUMP YOUR RUMP WITH MY TRUMP.
BAM! YOU'VE CHEATED AND YOU'VE LIED AND BY THE TURN OF THIS TRICK, THE SCORE IS NOW TIED.
METHINKS I HEAR THE FLAPPING WINGS OF THE BIRDS OF PREY.
"I WANDERED DOWN THE SUBWAY STAIRS SEEING NOTHING "MY MIND PLUNGING.
"THE SUBWAY WAS" THEO.
YEAH? I LOVE THE WAY YOU READ.
THANKS.
TANYA, I'M NOT READING BECAUSE I WANT TO READ.
I'M READING BECAUSE I HAVE SOMETHING I DON'T WANT TO GIVE YOU.
YOU DO? WHAT IS IT? IT'S JUST A PRESENT.
IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
IT MEANS SOMETHING, BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN WHAT IT COULD MEAN.
HERE.
HI.
HI.
HI.
HI, THEO.
HI, TANYA.
HI, THEO.
HI, TANYA.
HI, THEO.
HI, TANYA.
HI, RUDY.
GIRL, WILL YOU GET IN THIS HOUSE? ANYWAY, LIKE I WAS SAYING I HAVE SOMETHING TO GIVE YOU BUT IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
THEO, WHAT IS IT? IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
I LOVE IT.
IT'S REAL CHEAP.
IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
IT WILL PROBABLY TURN YOUR FINGER GREEN.
IF IT DOES, I'LL JUST SWITCH FINGERS.
I'M EMBARRASSED TO SAY HOW MUCH IT COST.
I'LL WEAR IT EVERY DAY.
YOU REALLY LIKE IT? WELL, I REALLY LIKE YOU.
HI.
WANT SOME ICE CREAM? MOM! YES? EXCUSE US, PLEASE.
LITTLE GIRL OH, MOM, I NEVER GET TO HAVE FUN.
JACK OF HEARTS.
IT'S TO YOU.
KING OF HEARTS.
THAT'S YOUR FIRST GOOD CARD TONIGHT, HOMER.
ME? YOU HAVEN'T THROWN A GOOD CARD ALL NIGHT.
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO SET YOU UP.
DISSENSION IN THE RANKS? OH-HO AND I LOVE IT.
IT'S MY PLAY, I BELIEVE.
BAP! DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO SAY "BAP"? I'M SORRY, DAD.
KA-POW! NINE.
NINE?! THE TRICK IS YOURS, HEATHCLIFF.
YES, THANK YOU.
* LA DO-DO-DA-DO * IS THERE STILL IN PINOCHLE A TRADITION IN WHICH THE TAKING OF EVERY TRICK RESULTS IN THE RUBBING OF THE OPPONENTS' HEADS? I BELIEVE SO.
FIRST, YOU HAVE TO WIN ALL THE TRICKS.
THERE'S ONLY ONE TRICK LEFT.
DAD, IN ALL THE YEARS, I HAVE NEVER RUBBED YOUR HEAD.
YOU REALIZE THAT, DON'T YOU? AND SO I SHALL LEAD WITH THE QUEEN OF GO-INTO-THE-GARDEN- AND-GET-THE-SPADE.
KING OF TRUMP.
NOW, SOMEWHERE IS THE ACE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
NOW SURELY, SIR, YOU HAVE THE ACE.
PUT IT ON YOUR FOREHEAD, AS YOU HAVE SO MANY TIMES.
NO.
COME ON, DR.
FOSTER, WE KNOW YOU'VE GOT THE ACE.
IT'S A POSSIBILITY.
WELL, BEFORE I LAY DOWN MY FINAL CARD I AM REMINDED OF THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF HAMLET: "AYE, THERE'S THE RUB.
" ACE.
OOOH, BLEEDL-DEEDL-DEEDL-DEEDL.
AND NOW DR.
FOSTER, SINCE YOU ARE A VISITOR HERE I GIVE YOU THE FIRST RUB.
THANK YOU.
* THE RUBBING OF THE HEAD * * THE RUBBING OF THE HEAD * * HI, HO, THE DAIRY-O, THE RUBBING OF THE HEAD * A-COOCHIE-COOCHIE-COO.
THIS IS A STUPID TRADITION.
I AGREE WITH YOU, BUT IT'S FUN! AND NOW YOU'RE NOT REALLY GOING THROUGH WITH THIS, ARE YOU? WOOAAAAAAHHHHHHHH.
JUST REMEMBER I'M YOUR FATHER.
AAAH! YEE-AAAAAAAA! ARE YOU THROUGH? NO.
YEEE-AAAAAAAA.
NO, NO! YOU'RE FORTUNATE TO HAVE ME FOR A SON.
AM I? I'M LETTING YOU EAT THE WINNER'S ICE CREAM WITH ME.
I HAVE TO ADMIT, SON YOU PLAYED A VERY GOOD GAME TONIGHT BUT I FOUND IT A LITTLE STRANGE THAT DR.
FOSTER JUST HAPPENED TO SHOW UP HERE THE NIGHT WE WERE PLAYING PINOCHLE.
I DID NOT KNOW THE MAN COULD PLAY THAT WELL.
IT IS AWFULLY COINCIDENTAL THAT YOUR PARTNER, CHUCK, GOT SICK TONIGHT.
IN FACT, THE NEXT TIME WE PLAY I WANT A NOTE FROM CHUCK'S DOCTOR.
HEY.
NOW, TELL ME HOW IT WAS.
IT WAS NICE.
YEAH? DID YOU GIVE HER THE PRESENT? YES, I DID.
- ALL RIGHT.
- WHAT PRESENT? I GAVE TANYA A RING.
I'M VERY HAPPY YOU'RE DATING.
IT'S A SPECIAL TIME IN A YOUNG MAN'S LIFE.
BUT THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT.
DAD AND I ALREADY HAD A TALK.
YOU AND THEO HAD THE TALK? THE TALK.
DID HE MENTION THE PART ABOUT BEING A GENTLEMAN? SEVERAL TIMES.
I GAVE HIM THE SAME TALK THAT YOU GAVE ME AND YOUR FATHER GAVE YOU.
DID YOU LISTEN? YES, GRANDPA.
GOOD.
I'LL BE AS MUCH OF A GENTLEMAN AS DAD WAS AT MY AGE.
I THINK I'D BETTER GIVE HIM THE TALK AGAIN.