The Drew Carey Show (1995) s02e24 Episode Script

Look, Todd, 9 o'clock means
you're here at 9 o'clock.
How many times
I've to tell you that?
Apparently, seven.
- What?
- Nothin'.
Look, do you think
I like calling you in here
every couple of weeks
and reading you the riot act?
- Yes.
- What?
Nothin'.
Look, Todd,
you're 21 years old.
It's time to buckle down.
You know, when I was your age,
I had two jobs.
I took the bus to work.
I was never late once.
That's very good advice, sir.
Yank you very much.
Did you just say, yank me?
No, wide ass.
- What?
- I said, "No, why do you ask?"
Okay, snot head,
get back to work.
What?
I said,
"Thanks, snot head
get back to work."
Oh, hey, Mimi.
How was the Marilyn Manson
concert?
Oh, it's pretty tame.
Then me and some
of the roadies
threw a party down
on the docks afterwards.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Canadian freighter
pulled in about 3:00 a.m.
Things really got rollin'.
I think I might have
gotten married, eh?
[laughs]
Sounds like fun,
better than gettin' reamed
by old man Carey here.
Old man Carey, is that
what people say about me?
That's not fair.
Hey, does doing my job
make me old?
Does being responsible
make me old?
Does wanting other people
to be responsible make me old?
Could you just not talk so much?
'Cause I kinda have a headache.
Oh, really? What the hell
happened to you?
Hey, hey!
It's called living.
Get to know it.
Hey, I live. I have fun.
I just have my own kinda fun.
Oh, yeah? What are you
gonna do tonight?
Oh, tonight, I got
a big night planned.
Big night.
Gonna go home, make myself
a couple of Hungry-Man dinners.
Have a beer,
fall asleep on the couch
watching "Diagnosis Murder."
Oh, my God, I'm old.
Ah, there's our Rock
of Gibraltar, good old Carey.
- Everybody, it's time.
- Well, what's goin' on?
Carey, you've done something
that no other employee
at Winfred-Louder has ever done.
Oh, you know, if this is
about the employee picnic
I-I was drunk
and I misunderstood the term
three-legged race.
No, Carey, this is something
you can be proud of.
Now, you've been to work
every single day for 3000 days.
Well, technically, it's 3001.
I would have awarded it
yesterday
but I was out sailing.
But you were here,
trudging away as you always are.
[applauding]
Three thousand days?
That can't be.
- Congratu-loser.
- What?
Congratulations.
In gratitude for your return
to this little cubicle
day in, day out
we offer you this plaque
engraved
with the simple slogan
"Three thousand down
here's to three thousand more."
Three thousand days
behind this desk?
It's almost a third of my life.
A lesser man would have
gone insane, Carey.
And that's why..
as our final honor
Cubicle 17A
from this day forth
will be known
as "The Drewbicle."
[applauding]
I don't know what to say, I..
I didn't stop
and smell the roses, I let..
I let time to slip
through my hands.
There's so many things
I should have done.
What am I doin' here?
[applauding]
Cake and ice cream
in my office.
Hey ♪
Up every mornin' ♪
Just to keep a job ♪
I gotta fight my way ♪
Through the hustlin' mob ♪
Sounds of the city ♪
Poundin' in my brain ♪
While another day
goes down the drain ♪
Yeah yeah yeah ♪
But it's a 5 o'clock world ♪
When the whistle blows ♪
No one owns
a piece of my time ♪
♪And there's a 5 o'clock me ♪
Inside my clothes ♪
Thinkin' that
the world looks fine ♪
Yeah ♪
Hey ♪
Holiday♪
Hey ♪
Yeah ♪
Hey hey ♪♪
Oh, boy, I'm gonna miss sleeping
in at Sunday mornings.
Hey, they can't sell Buzz Beer
if we don't deliver it.
Saturday night's a big beer
night. We gotta restock.
Yeah, and if anyone needs
a coffee beer
that's a Sunday morning drunk.
Yeah.
Hey, man, it's our
responsibility, okay?
'What's the matter? Don't you
like being responsible?'
What, are you saying
that I'm stodgy?
That I'm on a 3000 day rut?
Is that what you're sayin'?
Huh, huh?
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Come on, let's not argue.
It's bad enough
that we're delivering
liquor on the Sabbath.
Oh, that reminds me, we have
to deliver a case of beer
to my church
for Las Vegas Night.
Excuse me, didn't anyone notice
I was ranting a moment ago?
Oh, I'm sorry, Drew,
what's the matter?
I've become set in my ways.
I stopped living my life.
I'm just like my father.
Oh, come on, Drew,
that's not true.
Your dad was a wild man.
You're right. I've got
a lot of catchin' up to do.
- Hey, take this on-ramp.
- What?
- I said take this on-ramp.
- Hey, hey hey, hey!
- 'What are you doin'?'
- It's called livin'.
- Get to know it.
- Wh-where are we goin'?
We're goin' to the city
that never sleeps.
We're gonna be a partof it.
We're going to Paris?
- Na, it's city of lights.
- Oh!
- I thought that was Las Vegas.
- We're going to Vegas?
No, we're goin' to the city
that never sleeps.
- New York City.
- Why New York?
This truck can make it there,
it can make it anywhere.
Besides, the Indians are playing
the Yankees tonight.
- Hey!
- 'Wow.'
- Okay
- 'Oh.'
It's over 400 miles each way.
I gotta work tomorrow.
If I'm late,
old man Carey's gonna ki..
Hey, you know what
old man Carey says?
Huh?
Old man Carey says
"The hell with responsibility."
Huh?
- Yeah.
- To hellwith work tomorrow.
- Yeah.
- Who's with me?
I am, I'm tired of my
rotten 9:20 to 10:00
to 5:00 every single day.
Ah, if it weren't
for my hour and a half
to two hour lunch,
I don't know what I'd do.
- 'Yeah.'
- 'Yeah.'
Hey, you know, uh,
now that you mentioned it
I-I am like one of those,
uh, those lab rats at Drug Co.
You know, going through the maze
and gettin' electrocuted
when I take the wrong turn,
you know.
Get my big hunk of cheese
at the end of the week.
It's a nice metaphor, buddy.
Oh, oh, yes.
It's just a metaphor.
I think what we're trying
to say, buddy, is..
(together)
Road trip.
Alright, Lewis, put the pedal
to the metal, baby.
It is.
Nice, leisurely..
(all)
Road trip.
Oh great green gobs
of greasy grimy gopher guts ♪
Mutilated monkey meat ♪
Little dirty birdie feet ♪
French-fried eyeballs ♪
Swimming in a pool of blood ♪
And me without a spoon
boo-ho ♪♪
Same song, second verse.
Gopher style
and a whole lot worse.
Great green gobs
of greasy grimy gopher guts ♪
Mutilated monkey meat.. ♪♪
Hey!
Cow.
(all)
Moo.
- This is great, huh?
- 'Yeah.'
All of us together,
head to New York.
Hey, want a beef stick cake?
Wait, let me check.
No, I think I've had enough.
I've hickory coming out
of my pores.
Hey, wait a second.
Do you smell that?
Oh, Drew.
No, no, no, not that.
Beyond that.
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
Wait, I'm getting something.
What is that?
Judging by the potency,
I'd say we're..
[inhales sharply]
15 miles outside
of Hershey, Pennsylvania.
Yup.
Go, pay our repects
and then,
it's outer New York City.
Get ready for life
on the fast lane.
[cheering]
Alright.
[car horn honking]
Man, how far is it
to Yankee Stadium?
I don't know,
we're six inches closer
than we were an hour ago.
That's because the guy
behind us rear-ended us.
Oh, man,
let me just ask a local.
Excuse me, sir,
how far is it to Yankee Sta..
Wow, did you see that?
He didn't even let me finish, he
just instinctively foot me off.
Well, at least
he didn't show you his..
- Oh!
- Eww!
There it is. Blah.
He's pointing in the right
direction. Thank you, sir.
You know, this really sucks.
It only took us six
and a half hours
to get from Cleveland
to New York
but it's taken us 40 minutes
just to pass
that group
of long-tailed Chihuahuas
hanging around
that sewer grid over there.
[thud]
Oh, man, where does
he want us to go?
There's only six inches between
us and the car in front of us.
Hey, does it really matter
if we move up six inches?
[honking]
Okay, I guess we'll do it.
[thud]
Oh, great, now we're getting
it from both sides.
If that guy didn't have a free
John Gotti bumper sticker
boy, I'd be all over him,
let me tell you.
I'm gonna stretch my legs.
Wow, hot one, isn't it?
Let me have a Nutty Buddy.
Oh, my God.
You're Donald Trump.
Look at this, right here on
the street, it's Donald Trump!
[chuckles]
Kinda weird, isn't it?
Sort of like, I'm human.
Let me have a Nutty Buddy,
please.
Oh, we don't have any ice cream.
- Is this an ice cream truck?
- Uh-huh.
So, what's in the back
of your truck?
Beer.
Beer in the back
of an ice cream truck?
What, are you morons?
- No, we're from Cleveland.
- Ah, you're from Cleveland.
Okay, look, we just drove
to New York on a kick
to see the Indians
play the Yankees.
Now, we're stuck here, okay?
I'm sorry to hear that,
that I am sorry about but..
you know, what to do?
Give this to the guy
at the gate.
He'll take you to my box seats.
Use 'em, enjoy 'em,
and welcome to New York.
- Wow.
- Wow!
- Thanks.
- Thanks, Mr. Trump.
I'm gonna go see
the, uh, "Star Wars Trilogy."
You'll probably still be here.
We'll have a beer later.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Bye.
[thud]
Alright, that's it.
[knocking]
Oh, my God, it's-it's you,
it's Carol Channing!
Get back in your truck,
any minute now
this whole thing
is gonna break wide open.
Wide open? It's cars
as far as the eye can see.
So, what are you calling me,
a liar?
Because I think
you're calling be a liar.
Look, I don't want
any trouble, I-I..
We just drove in from Cleveland
to see a Yankee's game, okay?
Aw, you came all that way?
Well, let me help you
to get there a little faster.
[thud]
Now, get back
in the freakin' truck!
[indistinct mumbling]
Hey, hey, hey,
traffic's movin' again.
Everybody, get back in.
[horns blaring]
I'm gonna try
to get off this street.
See if I'm clear
to get into the right lane.
Go for it.
It's alright, it's alright.
[horns blaring]
(Oswald)
'What the hell happened?'
We're out of gas.
[horns blaring]
We gotta get some gas.
If we don't move,
they're gonna kill us.
Alright, I'll get the gas.
Who's got some money?
We blew all our money
when we bought that
10-pound Kiss at Hershey,
Pennsylvania.
Oh, you mean, this?
Anybody wanna split
the rest?
How are we gonna get
some money for gas?
- Okay, Lewis.
- Huh?
Lend me a hand.
[horn blaring]
We're going to get some gas.
We'll be right back.
Move your corn-fed,
Midwestern lard ass, farm boy.
Hey, you know,
Channing knows my ass.
Hi. Excuse me, we have
kind of an emergency here.
- We need some gas.
- I don't sell gas.
No, uh, we'll get the gas.
We just need some money.
Oh!
Listen, I don't mean to tell
you how to do your job
but the nose and moustache fell
off your Groucho glasses, bro.
Oh, no, no, no,
w-we're not here to rob..
We're not here to rob you,
we just..
We just wanna sell you
some beer.
[sighs]
What kind of beer?
It's a special brew we brought
all the way from Cleveland.
You guys came all
the way from Cleveland
just to sell beer
door to door?
No, actually, we just
wanted to chuck it all
and see Yankees' game.
[speaking in Spanish]
That's why I came here
from Cumana, baby.
Hey, you guys wanna have fun?
Some expired herbal ecstasy.
No, listen, all we want
is 30 bucks for the beer.
You can get a 100 bucks
for these two cases real easy.
- I'll give you 2 bucks.
- What?
It's from Cleveland. What do you
Midwest guys know about beer?
Would you like to meet
our spokes-belly?
[speaking in Spanish]
- Twenty five bucks.
- Twenty.
I'll take it.
[metal clanking]
Drew, does that sound like
a bat hitting the side of
oh, I don't know,
say, an ice cream truck?
Oh, my God.
[clanking]
Finally, baseball.
Hey! Hey!
Knock it off.
Get out!
This is my territory.
Hey, the only reason
we're here in the first place
is 'cause we're on our way
to a baseball game
and our truck got stuck.
Oh, you want
a baseball game?
Look, I'm Joe DiMaggio.
Hey, yo! Hey!
Alright. Do you wanna
dance, huh?
- We'll dance.
- Ooh!
Ooh!
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh--
- Whoa! Hey, hey, hey!
Knock it off, ya humps.
I'm a detective
from the 15th Precinct.
Come on out of there.
What's goin' on, Fluffy?
This lobe and his friends
are tryin' to take over
my territory.
Shoot him!
Hey, we just ran out of gas.
If you're gonna bust anybody,
bust Carol Channing.
She's been ridin'
our tail all day.
Ohio plates, huh?
You got a license
to sell that ice cream?
We haven't any ice cream in
the truck. All we got is beer.
Beer, huh? You got a license
to sell the beer?
We don't need a license.
We haven't sold anything.
[speaking in Spanish]
I just tried one of those beers
you sold me. They're great, man.
I'll take another case.
Sold? I-I thought
I was givin' it away.
Oh! Is that why
you gave me that 20 bucks?
I thought you thought
I was a gigolo.
You know, uh, that guy, uh,
Joe Buck in "Midnight Cowboy."
- "Midnight Cowboy?"
- Yeah.
- The handsome kid..
- 'Right.'
Comes to the city..
Please, don't take us
to prison.
I need a specific soap
or else I get a rash.
You're not gonna go
to prison, honey.
You're just gonna
get a fine.
All we got is 20 bucks.
Ah, that's it. Well, see,
now you made me a liar.
Come on, let's go.
- Come on.
- What are you taking me in for?
[indistinct chattering]
Out of my way.
Shy bladder coming through.
Oh, why did you hold it
so long?
Why didn't you go
when we were in jail?
Well, there was
no toilet paper.
I could have got some but..
it would have cost me
my innocence.
I still can't believe
they let us go.
What a great bunch of cops.
Yeah, how about when
they took up a collection
of the holding tanks,
so we could buy gas.
What a great bunch of criminals.
Look, uh, not the most
intelligent guys though.
Probably still waiting for us
to come back with that pizza.
[laughing]
And they call us bumpkins.
[laughing]
Okay, I'm ready.
- Does anyone want a ride?
- I'll go with you.
Wait a second. Wait, wait, wait.
Nobody's going anywhere.
We haven't had any fun yet.
Hey, let's have a party.
A slumber party.
At each of our individual
houses, huh? Hey.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Wait, wait, wait.
It's not even 11 o'clock yet.
I-I bet we could go
see a midnight movie.
Hey, how about we each rent our
own individual midnight movies
and watch it in our own beds?
Hey! Let's go.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm talking about
the midnight movie.
"The Rocky Horror Picture Show."
- 'What?'
- Oh, my God.
We haven't done
that since high school.
- Yeah.
- This sounds like a lot of fun.
- Yeah.
- Let's do it!
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Only this time,
we won't get wasted
and question our sexuality.
Like everyone except me did.
Let's hurry up
and change.
I can't believe I can still
fit in my Brad costume.
Except now,
do you feel outrageous?
I don't know about you
but that breeze
I'm feeling
is pretty outrageous.
Let me ask you something,
Oswald.
Why is it that that corset
you've had stored away
for all these years
look so frayed?
Hey, I use it as a weight belt
when I'm delivering packages.
Yeah, I only like beer
'cause those little frogs
are so damn cute.
No.
- 'Look.'
- 'Oh, my God.'
It can't be.
(Drew)
Hey, what's goin' on here?
What happened to
"The Rocky Horror Show?"
It's gone like your pants
and his self-respect.
Oh, yeah, "Rocky Horror's"
a hell of a lot
better than "Priscilla."
[crowd booing]
Oh, my God.
You're transvestite.
It's all comin'
together now.
She's as straight
as rest of us.
Oh, this stinks.
"Rocky Horror" has better music,
better dancin'
better everything.
[crowd booing]
Sorry, Carey, your drag
is old, our drag is new.
[crowd cheering]
Oh, yeah?
Oh, I got something
to say about that.
[Richard O'Brien singing
"The Time Warp"]
It's astounding ♪
Time is fleeting ♪
Madness takes its toll ♪
I remember ♪
Doing the time warp ♪
Drinking those moments when ♪
The blackness would hit me ♪
And the void
would be calling ♪
Let's do
the time warp again ♪
Let's do
the time warp again ♪♪
Is that all you brought?
I'll show you how to do drag.
[Dino Fekaris singing
"Shake Your Groove Thing"]
There's nothing more
that I'd like to do ♪
Than take the floor
and dance with you ♪
Keep dancin' ♪
Let's keep dancin' ♪
Dance ♪
Shake it shake it ♪
Let show the world
we can dance ♪
We do more
out on the floor ♪
Groovin' loose
or heart to heart ♪
We put in motion
every single part ♪
Funky sounds
wall to wall ♪
We're bumpin' booties
havin' us a ball y'all ♪♪
Let's do
the time warp again ♪
It's just a jump
to the left ♪
Whoa and then a step
to the right ♪
With your hands
on your hips ♪
You bring your knees
in tight ♪
But it's the pelvic thrust ♪
That really drives you
insane ♪
Let's do
the time warp again ♪♪
Shake your groove thing
shake your groove thing ♪
Yeah yeah ♪
Show 'em how we do it now ♪
Shake your groove thing
shake your groove thing ♪
Yeah yeah ♪
Show 'em how we do it now ♪♪
Let's do
the time warp again ♪♪
Shake your groove thing
shake your groove thing ♪
Yeah yeah ♪♪
Let's do the time warp
let's do the time warp ♪
Let's do the time
warp again ♪♪
Oh, man, my feet
are killing me.
Next time, I'm a transvestite
in sensible shoes.
I may look the look
but I ain't walkin' the walk.
So, I bet you don't feel like
old man Carey anymore,
huh, Drew?
Yeah, quit bogartin' the Bengay.
(Oswald)
'Huh?'
All I'm saying is Mr. Wick
was wearing a Wonderbra
'cause there was no way
that was natural.
- Um-um.
- No.
Yeah, still for a bunch
of corn-fed Midwesterners
we really turned it out.
[chuckling]
Can I ask you one thing?
How come we always get sucked
into these big dance things?
Why?
I'll tell you why.
Five, six, seven, eight.
[instrumental music]