The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air s02e24 Episode Script
Strip-Tease for Two
Will, give me all your money.
I'm sorry, Carlton.
I don't feel like playing 7-Eleven.
This isn't a game, Will.
I know you have $50, and I need it.
Forget it, man.
$50? I could take Look, listen carefully, Will.
And I know you can hear me with ears that big.
Biff's dad is a bankruptcy lawyer and according to him Westworld Airlines is about to fall prey to a corporate raider.
Word? Man, I don't believe that.
A corporate raider? What the bloody hell are you talking about? It's called inside information, and it's quite illegal.
So is that French nanny you're dating.
Enough said.
The point is I've only got $50, and I need $100 to buy the stock.
All right, just let me think about it for a little while, all right? No.
Will, take my hand come out of the ghetto and take a stroll down Wall Street.
You see we buy stock in Westworld Airlines today for $2 a share.
And by Friday, it's worth $8.
Now, when you take a girl out to dinner, they can get something to eat, too.
So then they'll owe me something! I'm with you! Here's my $20.
- I thought you said it was illegal.
- It is.
God, how I love life on the edge.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Aunt Viv.
Carlton, honey, would you drop my bracelet off at the jeweler's? - The clasp broke.
- Sure.
- Those almost look like real diamonds.
- They are, so be careful.
Hello there, Agnes.
My, that's a lovely tattoo.
You know, the knife dripping blood really sets off your eyes.
I did it myself.
So what you got? We have this lovely, expensive bracelet.
$200.
For an ordinary bracelet but not okay for one that formerly belonged to Catherine the Great.
The one-armed chick that works the corner of Hollywood and Vine? She a class act.
Okay, $300.
Did we mention that it ain't stolen? Okay, $400.
But that's only 'cause I think your short friend here is kind of cute.
Hey, small stuff you wanna come back here and check out the rest of my merchandise? This is a delicious meal, Geoffrey.
You've outdone yourself.
You're too kind, sir.
Moron! Fathead! Geoffrey, must you listen to the Dodgers game during dinner? I'm terribly sorry, madam.
But it is the bottom of the ninth, bases are loaded.
However, I will maintain my professionalism.
Bunt, you pasty-faced sod! Peas? Mom, have I told you that every year you grow even more youthful? You're going to be well into your 40s before you need plastic surgery.
No, you cannot have the Diamond League over for lunch.
Daddy, you promised you would reason with her.
Honey, I don't know why you want to join that organization anyway.
Baby, it was different when I joined.
Today, all those women care about are cars, men, and money.
Well, what's wrong with that, sweetheart? Men with money can drive her away in their cars.
Come on, it's just a little lunch.
You never got me a pony.
Geoffrey, start buffing the silver.
What the hell's your problem? You got bricks in your butt, you clown? Right away, madam.
Today's big story is the rumor of Westworld Air's imminent takeover which has caused its shares to skyrocket.
Your milk, Master Carlton.
Thank you, Geoffrey.
How's our stock doing? Up 300%.
And might I add Hey, man, you know what I'm gonna do with my share of the money? I'm gonna go out and get my very own team.
It's between the Raiderettes and the Laker Girls.
You can't buy love, Will.
Man, what you talking about? I don't want love.
I just want them to follow me around saying, "Go, Will.
Get busy.
"Put your thing down.
" Here's a Wall Street update.
The SEC has suspended trading of Westworld Air pending an announcement.
Come on, Carlton, translate.
How can I put this in terms he'll understand? More money.
Man, I'm gonna get me the best girlfriend money can buy.
Come on, man, you gotta think investment.
See, I'm gonna go out and get me a Burger King, right? And then I'm gonna hire some topless counter girls and then I'm gonna really have it my way.
This just in: Westworld Airlines has just filed for a Chapter 11.
Carlton? Yes, Will? That ain't a good thing, is it? No, Will.
- We're in trouble, ain't we? - Yes, Will.
We just lost everything.
Oh, my God! How're we gonna get Mom's bracelet back? - Come on, man.
Don't panic.
- Too late.
Dad knows.
No Harvard.
Dead end.
"Paper or plastic?" Look, come on, just relax.
We'll just go get well-paying jobs very well-paying jobs.
$24, $25.
Gosh.
Who'd have thought they'd pay you so little for selling your blood? - How do you feel, Will? - I'm fine.
Buck up.
You only have to give blood 50 more times to get Mom's bracelet back.
There's gotta be an easier way, man.
If I could just get them classifieds.
You're not gonna hit me with this, are you? I'd like to.
But I see three of you, and I don't know which one to hit.
Face it, Will.
You're not gonna find a job in there.
What are you qualified to do besides flirt with women and dance to loud, primitive music? "Male strippers wanted.
" Bingo.
Will, tell me you're joking.
Even you, with your depraved, working-class morality wouldn't stoop so low.
"Earn up to $500 a night.
" Shake that groove thing.
So, did you get the stripper job or not? Does David Duke shop white sales? They said I was a natural, man.
They're gonna call me with my first gig.
Hold up, Will.
Granted, we're desperate for money but maybe you should stop and think of what kind of life you'd be leading.
Yeah, you're right, C.
Dancing around in some cheap club while women put dollars down my underpants.
I love this country.
My financial advisors have arrived.
Moron! Fathead! - I didn't know the Dodgers were playing.
- They're not, thieving wankers.
So, I think I should ask for my money back.
I mean, I've been in this weight-loss program six whole months and look at me.
I'm Shamu.
Philip, I thought you had an important business lunch.
Nothing is more important than our little bachelorette.
Mrs.
DeWynter! So nice to see you again.
Thank you.
So, what do you think of our little Hilary? She's going to make some man a wonderful wife one day.
Soon, I hope.
Well, I think I speak for all of us leaguers when I say, "Isn't she lovely?" Yes.
Vivian, I do hope you will bring Hilary to our new members' dinner.
- I'm sorry - Well, I think I can speak for Vivian - when I say, "She'll be there.
" - Philip In her brand new BMW.
See you there.
Ashley, sweetie, we are going to the Diamond League dinner at the Gingham Turtle restaurant.
Here's the address and phone number in case there's an emergency.
Okay? Mom, I'm 13 years old.
I can take care of myself.
That's what Drew Barrymore said.
Banks residence.
No, Master William's not home, thank God.
May I take a message? Yes.
Yes.
Yes, I'll see that he gets it.
Bye.
- Master Will.
- Hey, G.
The Boogie Buns Agency called.
It appears you have a job this evening.
Bad! My first gig.
Hey, where is it? - The address is on the counter.
- All right.
And they also requested that you bring a spare G-string.
There's an explanation for that, G.
Yo, Carlton, I got a gig, man.
We're home free.
We'll get Aunt Viv's bracelet out of hock.
She'll never know the difference.
- You mean we're saved? - You got it.
Hey, I picked my costume up today.
See, I figure I'll start out in this.
And I figure I'll end up in this.
I gotta go iron this stuff.
Get the address for me.
It's right over there on the counter.
Gingham Turtle restaurant.
Sounds pretty sleazy.
Yo, this ain't exactly what I expected.
Check out the lowlife.
Yes? - Yeah, man, I'm here for the gig.
- You? You are here to perform for the ladies? - That's right.
- Of course you are.
I'm serious, where are the other guys at? I gotta get changed.
Other guys? Yeah, when I auditioned they said I'd be second on the bill.
Between King Thong and Rambro.
I'm sorry, monsieur.
There is no one on the bill but you.
Ladies, I'm told the entertainment has arrived.
It's my pleasure to introduce the international star Sir Graham Higgins, doing a medley of operatic favorites.
Mom, which opera is this? Will shake something, damn it! Take it off! Take it all off! Take it off! Put it on! Carlton Banks, you put your clothes on this minute! Mommy.
No dates, no charge cards, no television, no movies, no phone calls no food! Sir, permission to beg, sir.
What? I'm deeply, deeply sorry about the unfortunate stripping incident.
- I just wanna say it's all his fault.
- What? Look, come on, Uncle Phil.
I mean, I'm sure you did something like this when you were a kid.
Maybe not.
I think you two owe Hilary an apology.
Your behavior tonight cost her an invitation to join the Diamond League and meet some nice young men and you know how much that meant to me.
I mean, her.
It's okay, Daddy.
The more time I spent with those women the more I realized they're not my kind of people.
I don't want to have anything to do with them.
Honey, I am so proud of you.
Mrs.
DeWynter.
Hilary, darling.
Why did you run off like that? I wanted to invite you to join the Diamond League.
I'd love to! Switching entertainment like that.
What an outrageous idea.
Say, my mother's turning 90.
Are they available for birthday parties? - I guess I'll just be - Sit.
I'm not through with you two yet.
I wanna know what excuse you have for pulling such a stupid stunt.
- We needed the money.
- For what? And I want the truth.
All right, it's like this, Uncle Phil.
See, Carlton got this inside tip on a stock.
Federal offense.
Go on.
Well, then we pawned Aunt Viv's bracelet to get the money for the stock.
Grand larceny.
Impressive.
And then we lost the money so we had to strip to get the bracelet back.
That would be indecent exposure.
Is there more? I'm afraid so, Dad.
We never got the clasp fixed on Mom's bracelet.
You never got the I don't know what to say.
We don't What can I do? What do you boys think I should do? I don't know.
Reward us for our honesty? - Hey, it worked for the Beave.
- The Beave! Do I look like a white guy named Ward? Now, you get that bracelet back and for the next six weeks I don't want to hear you breathe.
Or I'm calling the Feds myself.
I guess this probably ain't the best time to tell him we ran over the mailbox.
Come on, man, what is wrong with you? It's Agnes.
I can feel her undressing me with her eyes.
I don't think so, man.
She's not laughing.
Come on.
Go ahead.
Excuse me, Agnes.
But isn't that our bracelet? Was your bracelet.
I'm only obligated to hold it for five days.
Today is the sixth.
But we have the $500.
Well, I'll give you $550.
Hold it now, hold it a sec.
Look, Agnes, could I speak to you for a second, please? Could I speak to Agnes? Hey, look, Agnes, slimmie, now, what's up? How you gonna play me? I thought we had an understanding, you know? I mean, we speak the same language and all.
What's going on? Babe, we ain't nothing going on but the rent.
- It's like that, right? - Just like that.
$550 is what the lady's offering.
I hope it doesn't interfere with our relationship, Sweet 'N Low.
Please, we'll do anything.
What'll it take to change your mind? What you got? No.
Work it, honey.
- Hey, it worked for the Beave.
- Worked for the Beave! Do I look like a white guy named Ward? Now, I want you two to go down there and get that bracelet back and for the next six weeks I don't want to hear you breathe.
Or I'm diming you out to the Feds myself.
Congratulations, you just made the blooper reel.
English
I'm sorry, Carlton.
I don't feel like playing 7-Eleven.
This isn't a game, Will.
I know you have $50, and I need it.
Forget it, man.
$50? I could take Look, listen carefully, Will.
And I know you can hear me with ears that big.
Biff's dad is a bankruptcy lawyer and according to him Westworld Airlines is about to fall prey to a corporate raider.
Word? Man, I don't believe that.
A corporate raider? What the bloody hell are you talking about? It's called inside information, and it's quite illegal.
So is that French nanny you're dating.
Enough said.
The point is I've only got $50, and I need $100 to buy the stock.
All right, just let me think about it for a little while, all right? No.
Will, take my hand come out of the ghetto and take a stroll down Wall Street.
You see we buy stock in Westworld Airlines today for $2 a share.
And by Friday, it's worth $8.
Now, when you take a girl out to dinner, they can get something to eat, too.
So then they'll owe me something! I'm with you! Here's my $20.
- I thought you said it was illegal.
- It is.
God, how I love life on the edge.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Aunt Viv.
Carlton, honey, would you drop my bracelet off at the jeweler's? - The clasp broke.
- Sure.
- Those almost look like real diamonds.
- They are, so be careful.
Hello there, Agnes.
My, that's a lovely tattoo.
You know, the knife dripping blood really sets off your eyes.
I did it myself.
So what you got? We have this lovely, expensive bracelet.
$200.
For an ordinary bracelet but not okay for one that formerly belonged to Catherine the Great.
The one-armed chick that works the corner of Hollywood and Vine? She a class act.
Okay, $300.
Did we mention that it ain't stolen? Okay, $400.
But that's only 'cause I think your short friend here is kind of cute.
Hey, small stuff you wanna come back here and check out the rest of my merchandise? This is a delicious meal, Geoffrey.
You've outdone yourself.
You're too kind, sir.
Moron! Fathead! Geoffrey, must you listen to the Dodgers game during dinner? I'm terribly sorry, madam.
But it is the bottom of the ninth, bases are loaded.
However, I will maintain my professionalism.
Bunt, you pasty-faced sod! Peas? Mom, have I told you that every year you grow even more youthful? You're going to be well into your 40s before you need plastic surgery.
No, you cannot have the Diamond League over for lunch.
Daddy, you promised you would reason with her.
Honey, I don't know why you want to join that organization anyway.
Baby, it was different when I joined.
Today, all those women care about are cars, men, and money.
Well, what's wrong with that, sweetheart? Men with money can drive her away in their cars.
Come on, it's just a little lunch.
You never got me a pony.
Geoffrey, start buffing the silver.
What the hell's your problem? You got bricks in your butt, you clown? Right away, madam.
Today's big story is the rumor of Westworld Air's imminent takeover which has caused its shares to skyrocket.
Your milk, Master Carlton.
Thank you, Geoffrey.
How's our stock doing? Up 300%.
And might I add Hey, man, you know what I'm gonna do with my share of the money? I'm gonna go out and get my very own team.
It's between the Raiderettes and the Laker Girls.
You can't buy love, Will.
Man, what you talking about? I don't want love.
I just want them to follow me around saying, "Go, Will.
Get busy.
"Put your thing down.
" Here's a Wall Street update.
The SEC has suspended trading of Westworld Air pending an announcement.
Come on, Carlton, translate.
How can I put this in terms he'll understand? More money.
Man, I'm gonna get me the best girlfriend money can buy.
Come on, man, you gotta think investment.
See, I'm gonna go out and get me a Burger King, right? And then I'm gonna hire some topless counter girls and then I'm gonna really have it my way.
This just in: Westworld Airlines has just filed for a Chapter 11.
Carlton? Yes, Will? That ain't a good thing, is it? No, Will.
- We're in trouble, ain't we? - Yes, Will.
We just lost everything.
Oh, my God! How're we gonna get Mom's bracelet back? - Come on, man.
Don't panic.
- Too late.
Dad knows.
No Harvard.
Dead end.
"Paper or plastic?" Look, come on, just relax.
We'll just go get well-paying jobs very well-paying jobs.
$24, $25.
Gosh.
Who'd have thought they'd pay you so little for selling your blood? - How do you feel, Will? - I'm fine.
Buck up.
You only have to give blood 50 more times to get Mom's bracelet back.
There's gotta be an easier way, man.
If I could just get them classifieds.
You're not gonna hit me with this, are you? I'd like to.
But I see three of you, and I don't know which one to hit.
Face it, Will.
You're not gonna find a job in there.
What are you qualified to do besides flirt with women and dance to loud, primitive music? "Male strippers wanted.
" Bingo.
Will, tell me you're joking.
Even you, with your depraved, working-class morality wouldn't stoop so low.
"Earn up to $500 a night.
" Shake that groove thing.
So, did you get the stripper job or not? Does David Duke shop white sales? They said I was a natural, man.
They're gonna call me with my first gig.
Hold up, Will.
Granted, we're desperate for money but maybe you should stop and think of what kind of life you'd be leading.
Yeah, you're right, C.
Dancing around in some cheap club while women put dollars down my underpants.
I love this country.
My financial advisors have arrived.
Moron! Fathead! - I didn't know the Dodgers were playing.
- They're not, thieving wankers.
So, I think I should ask for my money back.
I mean, I've been in this weight-loss program six whole months and look at me.
I'm Shamu.
Philip, I thought you had an important business lunch.
Nothing is more important than our little bachelorette.
Mrs.
DeWynter! So nice to see you again.
Thank you.
So, what do you think of our little Hilary? She's going to make some man a wonderful wife one day.
Soon, I hope.
Well, I think I speak for all of us leaguers when I say, "Isn't she lovely?" Yes.
Vivian, I do hope you will bring Hilary to our new members' dinner.
- I'm sorry - Well, I think I can speak for Vivian - when I say, "She'll be there.
" - Philip In her brand new BMW.
See you there.
Ashley, sweetie, we are going to the Diamond League dinner at the Gingham Turtle restaurant.
Here's the address and phone number in case there's an emergency.
Okay? Mom, I'm 13 years old.
I can take care of myself.
That's what Drew Barrymore said.
Banks residence.
No, Master William's not home, thank God.
May I take a message? Yes.
Yes.
Yes, I'll see that he gets it.
Bye.
- Master Will.
- Hey, G.
The Boogie Buns Agency called.
It appears you have a job this evening.
Bad! My first gig.
Hey, where is it? - The address is on the counter.
- All right.
And they also requested that you bring a spare G-string.
There's an explanation for that, G.
Yo, Carlton, I got a gig, man.
We're home free.
We'll get Aunt Viv's bracelet out of hock.
She'll never know the difference.
- You mean we're saved? - You got it.
Hey, I picked my costume up today.
See, I figure I'll start out in this.
And I figure I'll end up in this.
I gotta go iron this stuff.
Get the address for me.
It's right over there on the counter.
Gingham Turtle restaurant.
Sounds pretty sleazy.
Yo, this ain't exactly what I expected.
Check out the lowlife.
Yes? - Yeah, man, I'm here for the gig.
- You? You are here to perform for the ladies? - That's right.
- Of course you are.
I'm serious, where are the other guys at? I gotta get changed.
Other guys? Yeah, when I auditioned they said I'd be second on the bill.
Between King Thong and Rambro.
I'm sorry, monsieur.
There is no one on the bill but you.
Ladies, I'm told the entertainment has arrived.
It's my pleasure to introduce the international star Sir Graham Higgins, doing a medley of operatic favorites.
Mom, which opera is this? Will shake something, damn it! Take it off! Take it all off! Take it off! Put it on! Carlton Banks, you put your clothes on this minute! Mommy.
No dates, no charge cards, no television, no movies, no phone calls no food! Sir, permission to beg, sir.
What? I'm deeply, deeply sorry about the unfortunate stripping incident.
- I just wanna say it's all his fault.
- What? Look, come on, Uncle Phil.
I mean, I'm sure you did something like this when you were a kid.
Maybe not.
I think you two owe Hilary an apology.
Your behavior tonight cost her an invitation to join the Diamond League and meet some nice young men and you know how much that meant to me.
I mean, her.
It's okay, Daddy.
The more time I spent with those women the more I realized they're not my kind of people.
I don't want to have anything to do with them.
Honey, I am so proud of you.
Mrs.
DeWynter.
Hilary, darling.
Why did you run off like that? I wanted to invite you to join the Diamond League.
I'd love to! Switching entertainment like that.
What an outrageous idea.
Say, my mother's turning 90.
Are they available for birthday parties? - I guess I'll just be - Sit.
I'm not through with you two yet.
I wanna know what excuse you have for pulling such a stupid stunt.
- We needed the money.
- For what? And I want the truth.
All right, it's like this, Uncle Phil.
See, Carlton got this inside tip on a stock.
Federal offense.
Go on.
Well, then we pawned Aunt Viv's bracelet to get the money for the stock.
Grand larceny.
Impressive.
And then we lost the money so we had to strip to get the bracelet back.
That would be indecent exposure.
Is there more? I'm afraid so, Dad.
We never got the clasp fixed on Mom's bracelet.
You never got the I don't know what to say.
We don't What can I do? What do you boys think I should do? I don't know.
Reward us for our honesty? - Hey, it worked for the Beave.
- The Beave! Do I look like a white guy named Ward? Now, you get that bracelet back and for the next six weeks I don't want to hear you breathe.
Or I'm calling the Feds myself.
I guess this probably ain't the best time to tell him we ran over the mailbox.
Come on, man, what is wrong with you? It's Agnes.
I can feel her undressing me with her eyes.
I don't think so, man.
She's not laughing.
Come on.
Go ahead.
Excuse me, Agnes.
But isn't that our bracelet? Was your bracelet.
I'm only obligated to hold it for five days.
Today is the sixth.
But we have the $500.
Well, I'll give you $550.
Hold it now, hold it a sec.
Look, Agnes, could I speak to you for a second, please? Could I speak to Agnes? Hey, look, Agnes, slimmie, now, what's up? How you gonna play me? I thought we had an understanding, you know? I mean, we speak the same language and all.
What's going on? Babe, we ain't nothing going on but the rent.
- It's like that, right? - Just like that.
$550 is what the lady's offering.
I hope it doesn't interfere with our relationship, Sweet 'N Low.
Please, we'll do anything.
What'll it take to change your mind? What you got? No.
Work it, honey.
- Hey, it worked for the Beave.
- Worked for the Beave! Do I look like a white guy named Ward? Now, I want you two to go down there and get that bracelet back and for the next six weeks I don't want to hear you breathe.
Or I'm diming you out to the Feds myself.
Congratulations, you just made the blooper reel.
English