According To Jim s02e25 Episode Script

I hate corn.
Oh, honey.
Come on.
Just try a bite.
But I hate it.
Come on, honey.
Corn is fun.
Watch.
(CHEWING LOUDLY) Ding! (LAUGHING) Ding! What are you doing? I'm pretending I'm a typewriter.
Yeah.
Ding! What's a typewriter? Well, it's like an old-fashioned computer.
CHERYL: Yeah.
Oh! I still hate corn.
Honey, we know.
You sound like a broken record.
What's a record? (EXCLAIMS) Oh, baby! And don't let Ruby run around the park too much or she'll get overheated.
I got it.
Okay and these are antiseptic wipes, Band-Aids, and here's sunscreen.
Okay.
And where's the plastic bubble you keep Ruby in? Okay, you know what? Three kids.
No kids.
Enough said.
Oh, really? Okay.
Stretch marks.
No stretch marks.
Enough said.
Hey, Aunt Dana.
Hey! Hey, sweetie.
You ready to go? Yeah.
All right.
Hey, this is not over.
No, but that hairdo is.
(GASPS) Hey, back at 3:00? Oh, you are the greatest.
Okay.
Thanks, honey.
Bye! (TELEVISION BLARING) You know, you never see an anvil in real life, do you? Well look how dangerous they are.
Yeah.
Hey, honey.
I was thinking.
Mother's Day is only a week away.
Have you gotten me anything yet? Jim? Yeah, yeah, I'll clean up after this.
(TURNS TELEVISION OFF) Hey! Hey! Oh, come on.
Hey, have you gotten me anything for Mother's Day? Honey, don't worry.
I always get you something.
I always come through.
Well, you know, what about the lingerie I got you last year? From the gas station? All right, anyway, I know what I want.
This.
What's this? It's a pedometer.
It counts your steps.
Just hook it on to your belt and walk.
All right.
But when I give it to you next week, act surprised.
No! It's for you.
What? You know how the doctor said you need to get more exercise? The gift I want for Mother's Day is for you to walk more.
Cheryl, I am in the construction industry.
I am in great shape.
Oh, sweetie.
What shape is that? A circle? Come on.
It's only 80,000 steps.
That's just 10,000 steps a day till Mother's Day.
How far is 10,000 steps? About five miles.
Five miles a day? Yeah.
The girls glue macaroni on a piece of paper, you get all weepy and I gotta walk 40 miles? Honey, I love you.
I want you to be around a long, long time.
I know, but five Come on, sweetie.
For me? For Mother's Day? Come on, come on, come on.
All right, all right, all right.
But just for the record, you are not my mother.
(TELEVISION BLARING) (SCOFFS) Yeah, who is stupid enough to sell that much dynamite to a coyote? Haven't you been watching? A pig.
(BOTH SINGING MISS MARY MACK) Can we go play on the monkey bars? Oh, sweetie.
I'd love to, but these pants are dry-clean only.
OLIVIA: Ow! Ow! Ow! Uh-oh.
Let's see what happened.
Oh, honey.
It's okay.
It's just a scrape.
Hey, you know, if she needs some Band-Aids, I've got some in my bag here.
Oh, thank you.
I think we're okay.
Oh.
Thank you.
Daddy! Dirt is getting in my blood! Okay.
Help.
Yes, please.
Okay.
Oh, look at that! Ouch, huh? Here you go.
Want to play? Oh, I can't, sweetie, I'm helping Oh! You were talking to her.
Oh, you got your pants dirty.
Oh, these These are old rags.
Well, thanks for helping me out there.
I'm Michael.
Dana.
Little girls can be so dramatic.
Trust me, we can be dramatic at any age.
(LAUGHS) Wow, that is some fancy nail polish you have on there.
Oh.
Thank you.
My daughter picked it out.
I would have gone with something a little more vibrant.
At the park? Never.
You don't want to look cheap.
(CHUCKLES) Actually, I forgot to take it off before I left the house.
Oh.
I'm sure your husband's done the same thing.
Oh, I'm not married.
Really? Boyfriend? Nope.
Hmm.
Me neither.
I mean girlfriend.
(LAUGHS) See, I'm still getting used to being single again.
Oh, don't worry.
It gets a lot harder.
Yeah.
It's rough out there.
Mmm-hmm.
And, you know, I can't even think about dating someone that doesn't have kids.
You know, they just don't know what we go through.
You know, I should I should probably tell you that I What? That, uh I'm with you 100%.
Because I'm a single parent, you know, with a kid who's single.
(BOTH LAUGH) Oh, that's great.
Oh, shoot.
I gotta get Olivia back to her mom's.
Olivia! You know, uh, we're here every day after work.
So, um Maybe we'll see you again.
Okay.
Maybe tomorrow, or Well, that would be one of the every days.
Right.
All right, I'll see you tomorrow, Michael.
RUBY: Help! Help! I can't get down! I'm a mom.
Feel the burn, Jim? Yeah.
Am I supposed to be feeling it in my chest? Well, as my high school football coach used to say, "No pain, no gain.
" You were in the band.
Yeah.
But they practiced right next to us, so Just check.
How am I doing? Wow.
We've been walking for an hour.
You got 4,322 steps! Yeah.
Except for that's the four-day total.
Damn! (BREATHING HEAVILY) How many was that? None.
You gotta be wearing it.
Oh, forget it, Andy.
What? Just forget it.
Oh, okay.
Is this how we're gonna play it, huh? No.
I don't want to do it.
Yeah, this is What's next, huh? Leave the family? No, Andy, it's walking.
Come on.
Jim, don't give up on your family.
Come on, I'm not giving up Don't give up on Don't make this about them.
Oh, let's do something.
(BOTH ARGUING INDISTINCTLY) Get off of me! Hey, that was 10 steps.
Oh, good.
You're back.
The girls are upstairs playing, and I'm gonna take Kyle to the pediatrician for his check-up.
Okay.
Hey, let me see how many steps you've done.
No, no.
No, no, no.
(STAMMERING) But you can take a guess.
What Okay, four days, 10,000 steps a day, 40,000 steps.
(LAUGHS) You're way off.
You're lying.
No, he's not.
Really? Honey! I am so proud of you.
Well, well, remember that feeling.
Get used to it.
Oh, you! Up high, Jim.
Eye contact! You have to have eye contact before you throw stuff to people.
What am I supposed to do now? She's expecting 80,000 steps by Mother's Day.
(DIALING) Hey, you think she'd believe I walked so much that this rolled over to zero? What you need is inspiration.
Hi! Yeah, hey.
Um, your yoga classes are women-only, right? Oh, yoga? Hey, hey, hey, hey Great, great.
We're gonna be walking by your window in about a half hour.
How is the herd looking today? Oh, please! If you could trace this call, you would have caught me years ago.
Hey.
Hey.
Is that my shirt? You want it back? Is Cheryl here? No.
Hmm.
How about Ruby? Yeah.
She's upstairs playing with Gracie.
Oh, okay.
You know what? I think I might take her to the park.
Oh, why don't you take both of them to the park? Mmm, I don't wanna.
And why not? Jim, come on.
They're not conjoined twins.
Let them breathe.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute.
What? What's going on? (SCOFFS) Nothing.
I'll have Ruby back in a couple hours.
Uh, uh, uh, uh What? Hold on right there.
(SIGHS) Now this is the third time this week you've taken only Ruby to the park.
Now you're stealing Ruby's artwork.
I don't know what's going on here, but if you're making a buck, I want my cut.
Jim, I'm not doing anything.
Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
Spill, baby.
Okay.
Ruby stays with me.
(SIGHS) Fine.
Uh-huh.
What's up? (SIGHS) There's this single father at the park that I really like.
And he kind of assumed that Ruby was my daughter and so She is.
So you have deliberately deceived someone for your own selfish reasons? Hmm.
I respect that.
Please don't tell Cheryl.
I just I can't stand to hear her speech about being the real you, you know? It's like the push-up bra conversation all over again.
Mmm-hmm.
Hmm.
That's interesting.
You want something from me and I want something from you.
What? You want me to do your walking for you? Hey, I'm sparing you the pain of childbirth.
Jim, this is all you've done? Glaciers move faster than this! Dance, monkey, dance.
And another one right here.
Bye.
Okay.
3:00 class.
Let's move! Eye contact! Eye contact! Ruby! Come on, sweetie, we gotta go.
No, no.
Ruby's down at the park with Dana.
What? She has tumbling class.
Since when? Only the last two years.
Any good? No.
Well, there's $25 down the drain.
Twenty-five dollars for a tumbling class and I can't get the good bologna? Oh No, no, no.
She's not missing any class.
I'm gonna go get her.
(GASPS) What happened to the window? Oh, um, uh Gracie did it.
Gracie! (LAUGHING) Jim! What're you doing here? I'm here to take Ruby.
She's got tumbling class.
No, no, no, no.
Michael's not here yet.
She can miss a lesson.
Not for 25 bucks a class! Jim! Come on, this is not like school where you can take them out for free.
Jim RUBY: Daddy! That's my girl.
Come on, we got to go to tumbling class.
Jim, this isn't fair.
We had a deal.
Dana, I want my kid.
No! I want my kid, Dana.
No! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Everything okay here? Hi, Michael.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Everything's fine.
Um, Ruby go play with Olivia.
(STAMMERING) So this is the famous ex? Ex? I thought you were still in prison.
What? Uh, Michael, can you just give us a second? Are you sure? Yeah.
Okay.
But if there's any trouble, I'm stepping in.
Even though he's bigger than me and looks like a biter.
Hey, I've been in prison, buddy.
What the hell have you been telling this guy? Somebody had to be the bad guy in this divorce.
At least I said you never hit mesober.
(SIGHS) Jeez, Dana, couldn't you just say, we married young and drifted apart? Jim, I'm begging you.
Don't blow this for me.
I really like this guy.
Listen, we're going on a date on Sunday.
He's taking me to brunch at the Fairmark, then we're gonna go for a ride on the merry-go-round and I'm gonna tell him the whole truth then.
Dana, Sunday is Mother's Day.
Mother's Day? Yes, Dana.
Oh, my God! Oh, that's so sweet! Oh, he wanted Ruby and I to have a special day so we didn't have to spend it in our depressing government housing.
Government housing? Well, if you paid child support I was in prison! Huh? Dana, you cannot have Ruby on Mother's Day.
I have to have Ruby on Mother's Day.
I'm her mother! Okay.
Now, you're getting really weird.
This is getting creepy.
Wait Look, come on Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Easy! I didn't touch her.
We're fine.
Amicable divorce.
We're fine.
Jim You can't.
Listen.
You let Cheryl sleep in, I sneak Ruby out for a couple of hours, and then everybody wins.
Everybody wins? (SIGHS) Fine.
I'll give you the money for Ruby's tumbling class that she missed.
What? You think I'm in the business of renting my kids out? A hundred bucks.
(SCOFFS) Plus, I'll throw in Well, I'd be stupid not to take that.
What a jerk! Yeah.
I don't pay any attention to him.
JIM: Hey, sweetheart, keep those legs moving.
I want 90,000 by Sunday.
He thinks I'm a little chunky.
Okay, okay.
Now, do you understand how we play this little game? Yeah.
It's Mother's Day, so I call all the ladies "Mommy.
" Very good.
Now, remember, if you do a good job with the game, I'm gonna give you a whole dollar.
Can I get a lollipop, too? All right.
But it's gonna come out of your dollar.
Hi, Mommy! Oh, perfect.
Oh, my God! What is she wearing? What? That's fine.
Jim, I did not walk all night to have my daughter leave this house looking like a stolen car! Well, why don't you just go wake up Cheryl and have her change Ruby? She's awake.
What's going on? Oh, my God.
Cheryl! Cheryl Oh! You're gonna ruin the big Mother's Day surprise.
Yes! All right, nobody come out now! We're sticking with the original plan! (SHUSHING) All right, why is Ruby dressed like this? Because Mommy's taking me out to breakfast.
Mommy? Okay.
Sweetie, well, why don't you go inside? Okay.
So, who wants to go first? Hmm How about How about the one my daughter calls Mommy wearing my husband's pedometer? (CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) Okay.
Um Okay, Cheryl, you know how sometimes you meet a really cute guy and you lie about your age? Well, that's all I did except I threw in a daughter.
Ah.
Dana! Oh, except I told the truth about my age, so points for me.
There you go.
All right.
But why is she wearing your pedometer? And why are you wearing my robe? This is my robe! Well, I think you've answered your own question then! Jim! What? I did his walking for him in exchange for Ruby.
(CHERYL GASPS) I don't believe you.
That was supposed to be my Mother's Day gift! Well, I got 100 bucks, too.
You rented our daughter? Well, it's not like your high morals are bringing any money into our house.
I'm sorry, Cheryl.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Oh, Dana.
Sweetie, you don't have to lie.
When are you ever gonna learn that true love (GROANS) Okay! Here we go! Okay! The wise and perfect Cheryl's gonna judge me again.
Honey, I'm not judging you.
And I wouldn't have to if you weren't afraid to be yourself.
Cheryl, you don't know what it's like.
You're not still single.
You have the luxury of being yourself because you married beneath you.
No offense, Jim.
None taken.
I married up.
Dana, you've got to stop trying to be me.
If you keep trying to be Cheryl, you know who you're gonna attract? Jim! Accept no substitutes.
You know what I think? I think you love it when I screw up.
Because then you can get on your high horse and wag your little finger at me.
That is so not true! (STAMMERING) You keep saying See? Finger! Oh No, that's a finger.
Well, you know what? You won.
I lost.
You are right again.
Yeah.
(SCOFFS) Okay, great.
Well, consider it my Mother's Day present to you.
Eye contact! Everyone in your family throws things without eye contact.
Oh, look at this.
Wow, she walked the whole 40 miles.
She walked 40 miles for this guy? Yeah.
You know what? He was a pretty good guy, too.
You should have seen the way he stood up against her, like, jerk ex-husband.
What ex-husband? Me, Cheryl.
Keep up.
Keep up.
Okay.
So, who are you? Well, um I'm neurotic.
I'm a little insecure and totally snore.
I have a little bit of a shoe habit, but it's under control.
Mostly.
Okay, not at all.
Oh, and I'm unemployed.
Well, I think you left out smart, funny, and beautiful.
Well, you didn't let me finish.
(LAUGHS) Dana, here's your little Ruby.
Hi! She wanted to be with her real mom on Mother's Day.
I'm her stepmom.
Try following that act.
Cheryl You know, I tried to buy her love with gifts and toys, but she would have none of it.
You raised her too well.
I told Michael the truth.
Oh? Oh! Well, how was I? Because I did some acting in high school.
I'm Cheryl, Dana's sister.
Nice to meet you.
Yeah.
You, too.
Well, Ruby, why don't we go? So, uh, Jim's really your Yeah.
But he's so I know.
And you're so Thank you.
All right, buddy.
Showtime.
What's Andy doing with Kyle? Would you stop renting our kids? Well, doesn't look like Dana's in the fetal position, so I guess everything's okay? Yeah.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Good.
All right, well, let's go home then.
The girls really want to make their jelly bean omelet for Mother's Day for you.
Oh! Jellybean omelet! Mmm-hmm.
Great.
Let's go.
Oh, come on.
I'm kidding, Mom.
We'll have our table in a minute.
Really? Yeah.
Oh! On one condition.
What? That I walk home.
Deal.
Cheryl, Cheryl, that's 10 miles.
Don't you know an empty gesture when you hear one? Oh, honey.
You don't have to walk anymore.
Really? No.
Don't you know an empty gesture when you hear one? (LAUGHS) Well, I just want you to know, for Father's Day, I want a real present.
Fine, honey.
We'll stop at a gas station on the way home.
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) Is that us? Thank you.