Big Nate (2022) s02e25 Episode Script

- I am proud to announce
we've completed construction
on our new decorative fountain.
- [cackles]
- Uh-oh.
Nate has his prank face on.
- What? Nah.
I'm just innocently admiring
this dumb fountain
as I rub my hands together
in anticipation.
- Nate, what did you do?
- [laughs maniacally]
[rumbling, rattling]
[screaming]
I retooled
the school's plumbing
to carry queso
instead of water.
Who doesn't love melted cheese?
Am I right?
- Ahh!
[dramatic music]
♪
- [roars]
[zipper unzips]
- Ahh! Cheese under my butt!
And it's delicious!
both: Come play with us,
Nate.
Ahh!
- [screams]
[creaking]
- [gasps]
Oh, no, not my precious!
[car horn blares]
♪
- [giggles]
- No!
[sobbing]
- I just finished
paying that car off.
- Whoa, whoa. Hey.
In my defense, I had
no idea how awesome
that was gonna turn out.
- Detention!
- Well, at least I
have weekends to--
- Including weekends!
You're about to get well
acquainted with Coach John.
He's quite passionate
about the justice system.
[tense music]
- Your butt belongs to me,
porcupine head.
- Uh-oh.
[upbeat music]
- Don't want to go
to school today ♪
The sun is red hot
and I wanna play ♪
But if I get caught
they'll make me pay ♪
Detention again ♪
- Big Nate, Big Nate ♪
- Math and social studies
just ain't my thing ♪
- Big Nate, Big Nate ♪
- Rocking with my band
is where I'm king ♪
Stealing the teacher's teeth
or bailing on a test ♪
- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
Big Nate ♪
[loud clang]
[loud crash]
- Oh, oh, dang, man.
Nichols didn't even say
when you're getting out?
- Yeah, he just said
"a very long time"
and then made me sit there
and watch him cry
until Coach John shamed him
into stopping.
- Superlatives!
Everyone get in your vote
for yearbook superlatives!
Let your voice be heard.
Vote for everything from
who rules to who drools.
Has everyone turned
in their ballot
for yearbook superlatives yet?
- Oh, gee, I--
I've just been so busy with
literally anything else.
- Get serious, Nate.
This matters.
Voting for class superlatives
lets the world know
what you think
of your classmates.
- Have you gotten
any early results?
I'm really feeling good
about winning Biggest Flirt.
[chuckles, coughs]
- I'm actually on my way to
start counting votes now.
I'm super excited
to see what I win.
[laughs]
- [coughs weakly]
- Wait, what?
- Most Boring: Gina.
- This can't be right!
I got most boring?
How did I beat out
"some kid nobody's heard of"?
[horn honking]
No, this shall not stand.
I will get to
the bottom of this.
[suspenseful music]
♪
- [groans]
So what's everybody in for?
- I busted up some kid
for asking stupid questions.
- [chuckles]
- Is that chit-chat I'm
hearing on the factory floor?
Well, if you want to have a
little chin wag while you work,
go ahead.
Just keep your voices down.
- Huh. Something's off
about Coach John.
What are you looking at?
Before you answer,
remember that I'm a child.
- What? Nothing.
Just some epic
turkey fryer fails.
No biggie.
- Ah, come on, now.
I can tell something's up.
You haven't made a single
child cry all afternoon.
- [groans]
If you must know,
I'm a little preoccupied
with my upcoming
middle school reunion.
Believe it or not,
I wasn't exactly Mr. Popular.
There was an incident.
The War on Christmas.
- Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Is that the war you're
always talking about?
- There's been a lot of wars.
Stop interrupting.
Anyway, everybody wanted
to get their hands
on a Tickle-Me Gary,
the toy that tickles back.
I got drafted by my father,
Coach John, Sr.
[jolly music]
- Remember, son,
it's up to heroes like us
to be the sheepdogs.
[bell dinging]
Huh?
[clock chimes]
- That's when
all heck broke loose.
[shouting]
Sir, we're outnumbered.
Permission to evacuate
the Tickle-Me Garys.
- That won't stop
these animals.
We gotta destroy
the Tickle-Me Garys
before they do any more damage.
- But, Papa, that makes no--
[whistle blows]
[grunting]
Papa!
[growls]
[dramatic music]
Must destroy.
USA!
USA!
Every kid in school knew I was
the one who ruined Christmas.
- Jeez, no wonder you don't
want to go to your reunion.
- What?
Oh, I was never planning to go.
I promised myself I'd
only go if I had something
to rub in everybody's faces.
- Oh, being a
middle school gym teacher
none of the kids like
doesn't qualify?
[grunts]
- I thought I'd be married
to a supermodel,
living in a mansion
with a waterslide
and a monkey butler
in a little tux.
- Hmm.
- [screams]
- Ooh.
What if I told you
there was a way
to make your
old classmates jealous
without ever leaving
your chair?
- I'm listening.
- We'll reinvent you
on the internet.
- And what are you
getting out of this?
- You cut my sentence short
and let me out
of detention early.
- Hmm.
- So this is a casual convo.
Pretend the lie detector
machine isn't even here.
There are no wrong answers
and no stupid questions.
- Um, so then why am--
[electricity crackles]
[groans]
- Oh, good.
That button's working.
Let us begin.
Query One: to the best
of your knowledge,
who did you vote for in
the Most Boring category?
- I--[grunts] Left--[grunts]
That one--[grunts]
Blank.
[groans]
[coughs]
- Why?
- It seemed mean.
- Sorry.
You just talk so slow.
But I believe you.
You may go.
- Rude.
- Send in the next victim--
participant.
- [whimpering]
[door slams]
[ominous music]
- [screams]
- [giggling]
- OK, no.
Whatever this is, just no.
- Ahh!
I've got to figure out
why everybody thinks
I'm the most boring.
- Everybody doesn't.
All the votes haven't
even been cast.
You can still turn this around.
You just have to become as
interesting as possible.
- Hmm.
- The recent
queso explosion unleashed
something awful from my past.
- Dairy issues.
Been there, sir.
- I am speaking, Chad,
of the sewer mutants.
If they aren't rounded up,
I will be ruuu-ined!
- OK, I'm only 11, but I'm
sure it's not your fault.
- The sewer mutants are
the result
of illegal cloning experiments
using stolen DNA.
- OK, so it's definitely
your fault.
- I-I need your help.
You are the key to capturing
these sins against nature.
- Who, me, Mr. Galvin?
- Why, my dear boy--
- [squeaks]
- You are their brother!
[upbeat music]
♪
- Here's a picture
of you receiving
an award for loving animals.
- The only way I love
animals is hickory smoked
and drowning in mayo.
How'd you do that?
- You can manipulate
anything on the internet.
- "Love being a
hardworking single dad
to my lil' slugger."
Hold it.
I'm not a dad.
- And nor do you work hard.
It's the internet.
It doesn't have to be true.
- What other stuff
can we make up?
- I'm glad you asked.
5You can fix your face
or tell a little fib ♪
Create a cooler version
of your life ♪
You can really be
better than the real you ♪
- I can?
- Oh, yeah, it's true ♪
Doo doo doo doo doo ♪
Gym selfies
and vacation pics ♪
Anything and everything
to get those clicks ♪
You can really be
better than the real you ♪
- I think I'm getting it.
- Yeah, I'm sure you do.
- Anytime I go online ♪
I can pretend that
I'm doing fine ♪
And I have a little hunch ♪
The people want to see
what I had for lunch ♪
- Was it a sad
ham sandwich again?
- It was.
both: Humble brag
about your charity ♪
Repost a meme ♪
Hilarity ♪
- I think I'm ready to be
better ♪
Than the real me, yeah ♪
- [screams, groans]
- Hey, man, you been
working out in there?
Looking swole, homie.
- Yes, hard time appears
to have changed you, Nate.
Hardened you.
- Yeah, yeah.
Hey, where are
Dee Dee and Chad?
- Dee Dee is helping Gina
with an existential crisis,
and Chad is--
[grunting]
- So, um, what was that
thing you said about me being
a sewer mutant's brother?
- Well, I guess it's
only fair to tell you.
A few years ago, your parents
donated your body to science.
- [gasps]
Aren't they supposed to wait
till I'm kinda dead?
- That was one option, yes.
Anywho, it didn't go as
swimmingly as I'd hoped.
And the original Chad
was misplaced.
- Don't beat yourself up,
Mr. Galvin.
I lose stuff all the time.
- And my early attempts
to reanimate your DNA were--
- [screeching]
- Unsuccessful.
- [gasps]
Are you saying I'm a clone?
- Heavens, no, Chad.
Nothing like that.
You're simply a gelatinous
blob of genetic material
synthesized into a
mostly functional replica
of an actual human being.
- Oh, OK.
Whew. Good to know.
- Yeah, that sounds
about right.
So what are we doing today
with my newfound freedom?
- My uncle Pedro just
built a skateboard ramp
out of rusty scrap metal.
Looks really dangerous.
- Nice!
- [panting]
Hey, hey. [panting]
We got ourselves a problem,
porcupine head.
My middle school crush,
Barbara,
has been reaching out to me.
She wants to meet up
at the reunion.
- [gasps] Whoa, whoa.
No, no, no.
You see, my dad
actually dated Barbara.
You should stay
away from her, man.
- No, I got to see her.
She was the one who got away.
Well, one of the ones
who got away.
A lot have gotten away,
now that I think about it.
- Look, it's one thing
to be awesome online,
but being awesome in person,
yeah, that's way harder.
- That's why you're gonna do
what you did for me online
but in real life.
Or I can always throw
you back in gen pop.
- [grunting]
- [groans]
- OK, Gina,
let's see what you got.
[upbeat Irish music]
♪
[chuckles]
♪
Oh, oh, OK, there's more.
- 3.1415926535879
- Hey, cut.
Stop. [whistles]
- [grunts]
[crashing]
- Huh.
Not sure this is
gonna do the trick.
Um, do you have any
other interesting hobbies
that might be a little
less whatever that was?
- Well, there's spreadsheets.
That's a biggie.
The psychology of fruit flies,
fungus cultivation,
notable state birds
of the Midwest.
- You know what?
If we're gonna make this work,
I need to do a deep dive.
I need to go straight
to the source.
- Meaning what?
- Gina, I never
thought I'd say this,
but can I come
over to your house?
- It's time to put some drip
on that old hip.
- Work it.
[intense electronic music]
- [growls]
♪
- [coughs]
[screams]
- You look so cool ♪
♪
- All right.
- [squealing]
- [grunting]
[squeaking]
- Well, that should
be the last of them.
All that's left is
for you to take
these sewer mutants out into
the woods and get rid of them.
- [chuckles] Wait, what?
- Help yourself to
anything in the fridge.
Those mustard packets have
a few months left in them.
- Thanks, I'm good.
Anyway, looks like you're ready
to wow Barbara at the reunion,
so I'm just gonna skedaddle.
[screams]
- Nice try, scrub.
You're coming too.
- What? Why?
- For some reason,
it's way more impressive
when a guy raises a kid alone
than when a woman does it.
- No, I mean,
why do I have to go?
- Oh, Barbara's
bringing her son, Randy,
so the two of you can
just hang out.
- Randy knows you're not
my dad, and he hates me.
[whines] Do I have to?
- We just got a new
shipment of microchips
from Singapore, if you want to
get back to making cell phones.
[phone ringing]
[suspenseful music]
- What?
Rodeo champion?
Undefeated marathon runner?
First preteen in space
to meet the president?
[gasps] For real?
This is your life?
[gasps] Whoa.
- It's just the boring stuff me
and my muscular Nobel Prize-
winning dads are into.
- No, this is interesting.
- Really?
- Gina, I feel
a song coming on.
You have climbed the Alps ♪
Discovered cavemen bones ♪
Healed the sick and
dying with your trombone ♪
You are totally better
as the real you ♪
- You really think so?
- You bet I do ♪
Exotic pets and botany ♪
The polar opposite
of monotony ♪
Trust me, Gina, you are
better as the real you ♪
- I'm not boring?
- Girl, get a clue ♪
- You can say
I'm not that cool ♪
That's fine with me
'cause now I know I rule ♪
And maybe I'm an
acquired taste ♪
But I know a lot
about outer space ♪
- Oh, yeah?
- I'm already taking
11th grade physics.
both: A music whiz who
speaks Cantonese ♪
Working on a cure
for Crohn's disease ♪
- It's time to show
the world I'm better ♪
As the real me ♪
Yeah!
- Wow, you're so tan.
I can't believe you're single.
- My wife had
a modeling accident,
so it's just me
and the boy now. [chuckles]
You'll have to excuse him.
He's been a little timid
ever since his gorgeous mom
fell in that volcano.
Get it together, P-head.
Tell them how much we
love doing activities
or whatever together.
- This isn't gonna work.
Barbara dated my dad.
She's gonna recognize me.
- Well, can't you do, like,
an accent or something?
Or walk with a limp?
Let me hurt your leg
real quick.
[door rattles]
[smooth jazz music]
Whoa.
♪
- [laughs mischievously]
- [gasps] Ahh!
- [chuckles]
Milady.
- Hey, there. You made it.
Oh, I can't wait to catch up.
Is this your son?
- [laughs] Yeah,
he's my little mini me.
[chuckles]
Why don't you
and your new friend Randy
go play with dead squirrel
parts or something?
[laughs]
[soft dramatic music]
- I can't believe you
did all this for me.
Thank you.
- No worries.
I've really liked getting
to know the real you.
And the whole school
is going to, too.
Hey, if I ever need
to prepare for an acting role
as a homicidal maniac
or evil dictator,
is it cool if I shadow you
for research?
- I'd be honored.
- People say "pyramid scheme"
like it's a bad thing.
And yet tourists flock to
Egypt every year to see what?
[laughs]
That's right, pyramids.
- Your job sounds
so interesting.
- Good, because I
have the opportunity
of a lifetime for you.
How would you like
to be your own boss?
- [groans]
I'm bored.
Turn around and let me give
you a wedgie with my spork.
- What?
No, I'm not--no.
- Do it or I'm telling
my mom that you're
running some creepy scam with
that weird, tan guy, Nate.
- Come on, man.
I don't want to go
back to detention.
And his life, it's just so sad.
- Really?
- [chuckles]
Jackpot.
Chance to bully a
bigger loser than you
is too good to pass up.
- Is y'all simple?
Go on, get.
Ain't nobody got nothin'
for you no more.
[sobbing]
I ain't fixin' to miss
a single one of y'all.
[sobbing]
I said--oh?
[monsters tittering]
Uh-oh.
That's probably not good.
[tense music]
- [screeches]
- The late bloomer award
goes to
Oh! Coach Joe, Jr.
[cheers and applause]
- [laughs]
Oh, man.
I got so many people to thank.
First off, Barbara,
I mean, we just reconnected,
but I think you might be
the love of my life.
- That's weird
but sweet, I guess.
[chuckles]
- And obviously, my podiatrist.
[air horn blares]
- Yo, yo, DJ Randy-One Savage
in the building!
[air horn blaring]
- [grunting]
[growls]
- [laughs]
Coach John is a
fraudulent turd merchant.
He's not a single dad.
I bet he even bought
those jeans pre-ripped.
- Pre-ripped? What a loser.
- I can't believe it.
- Look, I may have embellished
a little on the internet
and in person.
I'm not really this tan.
[sighs] The truth is,
I had to reinvent myself
after the pain
I caused you all when
I ruined Christmas.
- Oh!
That's where I
recognized you from.
You're the Christmas ruiner!
- Wow.
Wow, so you're--
you're the Christmas ruiner.
That's right.
- --nowhere around here, man!
- Barbara?
Hey, wait.
Don't leave.
I will literally
sell a kidney to buy
into your pyramid scheme.
- Sorry, but dishonesty has no
place in multi-level marketing.
[somber music]
- [laughs]
- Yeah!
Prepare your minds to be blown
by the most interesting kid
in the school!
When I say Gina,
you say Hemphill-Toms.
Gina!
- Hoffleton.
- Hofflestein.
- Gina!
- Heffle--
[indistinct murmuring]
Eh, close enough.
Break a leg.
[dramatic tone]
[crowd gasping]
[dramatic music]
[trombone playing]
♪
- Can't I just go home
and watch
turkey fryer fails
until I pass out?
- You should not
be alone right now.
Plus, this might cheer you up.
- How is this
gonna cheer me up?
- Well, Gina's doing
something really dangerous
that could go horribly wrong.
That's fun, right?
♪
- [laughs]
[slam]
[music stops]
[tense music]
[monsters chittering,
screeching]
- [groaning]
Oh, wait.
[screams] No, stop!
♪
[screaming]
- It's up to heroes like us
to be the sheepdogs.
That won't stop these animals!
We gotta destroy
the Tickle-Me Garys
before they do
any more damage!
[whistle blows]
That won't stop these animals!
[whimpering]
- Ow! Ow!
- [cackles]
- [whimpers]
[screeching, chittering]
- Sir, yes, sir, Papa!
- What are you--oh, boy.
- USA! USA!
USA! USA!
[grumbling]
[roars]
[cheering]
- They think it's
part of the show.
These kids are all
absolute dummies!
- Yep, most people are.
I have no idea how society
hasn't collapsed yet.
- Why did I ever
want their approval?
- Guess this means you won't be
electrocuting students anymore.
- [giggles]
Why would it mean that?
- I'm sorry the reunion
didn't go better
and that your expensive clothes
are unreturnable because
of your flop sweat and tears.
- Ah, I guess I don't have to
pretend to be someone I'm not.
I'm perfect the way I am.
- You know, that
wouldn't be my takeaway.
- Papa?
- You did good, kid.
I'm proud.
I can rest in peace now.
And me and Gary can get back to
tickling the angels in heaven.
- Ha! Heaven is real!
I'm your new mom!
See you soon. Tee-hee-hee!
[soft dramatic music]
- You can fix your face
or tell a little fib ♪
Create a cooler version
of your life ♪
You can really be
better than the real you ♪
- I can?
- Oh, yeah, it's true ♪
Doo doo doo doo doo ♪
both: Humble brag about
your charity ♪
Repost a meme--hilarity ♪
- I think I'm ready to be
better ♪
Than the real me ♪
Yeah ♪