In Living Color (1990) s02e25 Episode Script

You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me It's a'ight to be - In living color And how would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat - And at night it was safeto walk down the street - In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color Everybody hereis equally kind Everybody hereis equally kind Everybody, everybodyeverybody, everybody - Everybody here is equally kind - In living color What's mine is yoursand what's yours is mine In living c-c-c-olor You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me It's a'ight to be - In living color You can do what you wanna doin living color [Audience Cheering,Applauding.]
Yeah, I'm standing by.
Vice President Quayle will be approaching shortly.
- [Radio Squeals.]
- Roger.
I got that one, Deep Throat.
The eagle has landed.
Tweety is out of his cage.
He's flying over the cuckoo's nest.
Three minutes till condor.
Who are you? Dickie Peterson, Cherub ofJustice, here to protect and serve! Well, the Secret Service will take care of this, kid.
The last thing we need is some Guardian Angel troop hanging around here.
I am not a Guardian Angel, sir, nor do I care to be.
.
.
unless they start returning my phone calls, but fast.
You're gonna have to step behind that line.
Go undercover? Mingle with the crowd? Roger! I know this is against Cherub regulations.
.
.
but, uh, you're Secret Service.
I think I can trust ya.
- Woodchuck? - It's my code name.
Use it sparingly and only in an emergency.
You are gonna eat that, aren't you? Yeah.
Okay, I'll be right there.
[Gasps.]
Unauthorized disposal of classified document.
I'm gonna have to put him on report.
Also, leaving his post.
Two more demerits.
Looks like I'm gonna have to secure this perimeter myself.
Hussein! Sorry about that, miss.
Merely a trained reflex reaction triggered by potential terrorist activity.
For all I know, that hot dog could have been a Scud missile.
.
.
and its bun, the mobile launcher.
You are an idiot! Sticks and stones may break my bones, miss.
.
.
but names are not gonna put that hot dog back in your mouth.
Sure, go ahead.
Get another one.
I'll do it again.
- [Radio Squeals.]
- Situation resolved.
All right, everybody.
Surprise inspection.
The second most powerful man in the entire world is gonna be by here any second.
.
.
and I swear by this trademark yellow beret.
.
.
that every man, woman and child in my sector will pass muster.
Hey! News flash.
The '60s are over.
Get a haircut, transvestite! - Suck in your gut.
- [Gasps.]
I better check into home base.
Woodchuck to Gray Squirrel.
Woodchuck to Gray Squirrel.
Come in, Gray Squirrel.
[Old Woman.]
Dickie? Is that you, Dickie? Yes, Gray Squirrel, it's Woodchuck! Listen, Woodchuck.
What are these magazines I found under your bed? Uh, merely reference material for the scenario file of my Cherubs ofJustice crime lab.
No, it's not.
It's filthy smut.
When you get home, I'm going to take you over my knee.
.
.
[Imitating Radio Squeals.]
Uh, you're breaking up, Gray Squirrel.
Gray Squirrel? Uh, I can't.
.
.
[Muttering.]
Maintain radio silence.
- [Cheering.]
- The vice president! [March.]
Did you see the way he looked at me? Did anybody see that? I think we had a moment there.
- [Chattering.]
- What's that guy doin'? The vice president's in trouble! - Sorry.
I didn't see you.
- Hussein! - I was aiming for the trash can.
- I'll bet you were, Taxi Driver.
I bet you didn't count on Dickie Peterson, human shield.
.
.
getting between you and the vice president, did ya? Unfortunately, I don't have the authority to detain you at this moment.
But I promise you, mister.
.
.
one day it'll be just you and me.
And then, boom! Death touch.
Woodchuck to Gray Squirrel.
Woodchuck to Gray Squirrel.
Evil plan aborted.
Tweety is back in his cage.
Sylvester, once again, has been thwarted.
Judging by the length of my shadow.
.
.
it is about 1800 hours, which means it's time for Cherub chow.
So get those Ding Dongs ready.
I'm comin' home! [Knob Jingling.]
Gray Squirrel, it's locked.
- Gray Squirrel? - [Audience Cheering.]
[Glass Shattering.]
[Phone Beeping.]
[Man.]
Due to the volume of calls to 911.
.
.
your call is being answered by the M.
X.
System.
If you are witnessing a murder, press 1.
If you are being assaulted, press 2.
If you are being robbed, press 3.
[Beeps.]
If you are being robbed in a single-family home, press 1.
If you are being robbed in an apartment, press 2.
If the perpetrator is stilloutside your apartment, press 1.
If the perpetrator has enteredyour apartment, press 2.
If the perpetrator is a Caucasian male above six feet.
.
.
and over 175 pounds with identifiable tattoos.
.
.
press 1.
If he has no tattoos, press 2.
If you didn't hear your specific situation clearly.
.
.
this tape will repeat.
If you are witnessing a murder, press 1.
[Classical.]
You've done a wonderful job organizing the recital, Janice.
I'm quite sure donations will be generous.
Well, thank you, Mrs.
Beaumont.
I just hope we've raised enough money to keep the opera house open.
Oh, I'm certain we will, my dear.
Unless, of course, there's some unforeseen disaster.
[Laughing.]
Well, ménage à trois, everybody! - I have "entray-vooed.
" - [Audience Applauding.]
I am ready to party! Now where is Oprah? I'm sorry, but I think you're a bit confused.
This is the opera.
What? You mean there ain't gonna be no women on here.
.
.
talkin' about their panties possessed by the devil? - Who are you? - I'll give you a hint.
I'm hip, I'm slick, and all the women love my G.
I.
Joe with the kung-fu grip.
Well, you'll have to excuse us.
I think we see somebody over there we know.
Oh, bon soufflé, mon bidet.
Oh, my God.
It's that idiot, Frenchie.
Um, excuse me.
I have to freshen up.
[Frenchie.]
Janice.
! Hey, Janice.
- It's me, Frenchie, baby.
- [Groans.]
- How you doing, woman? - What are you doing here? Well, don't be so El DeBarge.
It wasn't easy findin' you, you know.
Remember when we was in the Laundromat? You said, "Close your eyes" when I asked you for a piece of sugar.
You said, " Close your eyes and count to a hundred.
" I opened my eyes, you was gone.
Don't worry.
You dropped a little something on the Laundromat floor.
I took it down to the police station.
Had your fingerprints dusted.
They gave me your license plate number.
I followed you down here.
I just wanted to return these to you, baby.
[Gasps.]
I love a woman that wears safari drawers.
You know, I got some on right now.
Wanna see? No! Janice.
Janice.
I don't believe I've met your friend.
- He's not my friend.
- That's right.
It's much more than that.
We go together like toes and jam.
- [Groans.]
- Yes.
Well, Don Pardo.
My name is Leonard, but all my friends call me "Frenchie.
" Oh.
Oh, dear.
Frenchie, let me spell it out for you.
Mrs.
Beaumont is the C.
E.
O.
Of a top S & L.
Yes, but I'm out tonight for a little R & R.
[Laughing.]
- Que coincidence.
- [Beaumont.]
Oh.
That's right.
I got B.
O.
From the local Y.
M.
C.
A.
And I'm out for a little T & A.
Well, I've never been so insulted in all my life! She sure got enough "A.
" Frenchie, I have something very important to do.
.
.
- Uh-huh.
- Somewhere else.
You stay here.
Just stay.
Don't follow me.
Don't move.
Just stay.
Whatever you say, mon petite commode.
Some foie gras, sir? Oh, looks like mon doo-doo to me.
It's goose liver pâté.
Oh, great.
Then these chitlins and hot sauce will go with that just fine.
Go on.
Pass that around.
This is nice.
Hey, Zorro.
You know, I wore that same costume last Halloween.
Won first place down at Mr.
Rick's Sugar Shack.
Sure did.
Won a Confunkshun single, and didn't even have to get my T-shirt wet.
What is wrong with these people? Janice! Hey, Janice.
You lookin' mighty Häagen-Daz.
Look like you missed me, baby.
You know, in my Harvard days, I once shot six three-pointers in a row.
- Oh.
- Mmm, very impressive.
Well, last New Year's eve, I put 12 Reese's pieces up my nose.
.
.
shot 'em into a Dixie cup from across the room.
[Man Over P.
A.
.]
Ladies and gentlemen, intermission is over.
- Take your seats for the secondportion of tonight's program.
- Oh, it's party time.
[Barking.]
[Classical.]
[Singing In Italian.]
[Shouting.]
Wait a minute, man.
What's all this yelling about? This is worse than a Patti LaBelle concert, man.
[Shouting.]
What is this? You are the biggest buffoon I have ever met! - Ah, gotcha.
I'm a baritone.
- [Grumbling.]
But you all don't worry about the party now.
'Cause I used to play for Sly and the Family Stone, so I'm gonna get the music goin'.
See, this here opera stuff is fine, but it's just a little too tres limousine.
You can't dance to it.
Excuse me, Don Corleone.
How 'bout "Super Freak" on four? Un, deux, trois, four! - [Piano.]
- Ah, shucks now.
Janice, this is for you.
[Singing.]
Stop! I can't tell you how sorry I am about this.
Sorry? This is disgraceful! If this is the only performance you people can afford.
.
.
I'm gonna double my donation to see that this doesn't happen again.
I assure you, this is never.
.
.
Oh, Janice, keep your fiancé, French Fry, singing.
On four.
Un, deux, trois, four! - [Piano.]
- Aw, shucks now.
Funky chicken! That's right.
Come on, Janice.
All right, people.
Come on now.
Let's get this party goin', man.
Soul Train! Now, do the Soul Train.
[Singing.]
East Coast! West Coast! East Coast! West Coast! [Hip-hop.]
[Announcer.]
Has wearing real fur become a hassle? Are animal rights activistsbringing you down? Then say hello to the Clear ConscienceFur Farm and Outlet Store.
Here at Clear Conscience, 90% of our peltscome from rodents that die of old age.
.
.
right here in our own luxuriousrodent retirement home.
The rest of our pelts come to usthanks to Mother Nature.
For instance, this unlucky little fellowwas struck down by lightning.
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.
while these little guys were struckby severe animal depression.
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.
and mass suicide.
So the next time you have a run-inwith an animal rights activist.
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.
flash him the labelon the inside of your sable.
Clear Conscience.
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.
we'll skin no hide before its time.
- Hey, can I help you? - Hiya, Johnny.
- The name's Jimmy.
- Jimmy, Johnny, Joey.
What's in a name? Anyway, give me a double dip, black and white.
And, hey, Johnny, don't forget the cherry.
[Chuckles.]
Name's Jimmy.
Sure got strong arms, Johnny.
I bet no one pushes you around.
Nope, sure don't.
All right.
Put the sprinkles on there.
Ta-da.
A cherry.
That'll be a dollar.
A dollar? Well, I thought it would cost a quarter.
Oh, fiddlesticks.
I just spent my last buck at the picture show.
I'll tell you what.
Just give me the quarter.
Bring the rest when you come back, okay? Oh, Johnny, you're the greatest.
I was nothin', a nobody, a bum in the street.
.
.
but you came along and picked me up, dusted me off and turned me into something special.
I'm yours, Johnny, forever.
Look, lady, thanks a lot, all right.
Just enjoy your ice cream.
Bring me my change when you can.
Oh, Johnny, I could never repay you.
.
.
not after what you've done for me.
Oh, Johnny, the two of us will be great together.
We'll be thick as thieves, like birds of a feather, two peas in a pod.
We'll board the next train to Niagara.
- Train to Niagara? - A train to Niagara, slow boat to China.
Ah, Johnny, I'd go to hell in a handbasket with you.
Look, lady, that's enough.
Hey, yo, Larry! Larry, I'm gonna take my break now, man.
I'm outta here.
- Lady, there's help around.
Seek it.
- Wait! Johnny? Don't go.
- [Piano.]
- [Singing.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]
So long, Johnny.
See you in my dreams.
[Hip-hop.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]
Now, I know you haven't seen Little G.
In a long time.
.
.
but I still think it's time you had that talk with him about the birds and the bees.
I know you don't know what to say to him.
.
.
but I still think it's best if it comes from you.
Little G.
! Your daddy's gonna have that talk with you now, okay? Flatulate yourself over here, my little zygote.
Flatulate! Flatulate! Don't be redundant.
Now, you see, when a man liposucks.
.
.
a woman's, uh, mammogram.
.
.
it is the titillating expression between lubrication.
.
.
of two secreting adults, ya dig? Yeah, yeah.
A protractor.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang's like Frosted Mini-Wheats.
[Laughter, Applause.]
No, no, it's much more "mucazoid" than that.
.
.
my little "geniphilia.
" It's the adolescent Dukakis.
.
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that is calculated, ya understand.
.
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by the insane, or, uh, Hussein.
.
.
dependent on the confrontation forthwith.
.
.
furthermore, posthaste, post office.
.
.
creating a mediocre-type arsenic, uh, uh, "treatyology," ya understand? Am I being "cruex"? - Uh, gesundheit.
- Uh-huh.
- A most spectacular off-ramp.
- Uh-huh.
- But sometimes, I'm defa.
.
.
defla.
.
.
- Defecated.
- Defecated.
.
.
- Right.
- By my misfortune.
- Uh-huh.
That's.
.
.
That's very antiseptic, my little hors d'oeuvre.
But do not homogenize the Neutrogena.
.
.
or 'gina, depending on the woman.
All right? That's so Nintendo.
My own giblets are under surveillance.
Oh, that's deep.
That's deep.
That's my son there.
You've radiated mucho ambivalence.
.
.
as the French people say.
Time's up.
Let's go, Oswald.
Hey.
Remember.
Don't constipate your mother's hemorrhoids.
I won't.
Fornicate my redemption! I'll recede to my own bowels.
[Audience Applauding.]
[Audience Cheering.]
- We had a.
.
.
- We had a.
.
.
- [Laughs.]
- All right.
Go ahead.
We.
.
.
Sorry.
Go ahead.
- We.
.
.
- We.
.
.
- Good night.
- Good night.
[Theme.]
You can do what you wanna.
.
.