That '70s Show s02e25 Episode Script
Cat Fight Club
Oeh! Now I've got Park Place and Boardwalk.
T his game is just like life! I am the richest of all.
Jackie I've got ninehundred and seventy dollars here, it's all yours if you just GO AWAY! Relax Forman.
It's better then having Laurie down here.
She's like a big cancerous tumor.
And Jackie, she's like a tiny benign cyst.
Thank you Hyde! Here, buy yourself a hotel.
Why are you giving him money, I'm the one in jail, does Hyde punch me in the arm.
Why can't we start over? Because Aiiiii.
And don't try tipping over the board again either! Next time we go hiking make sure you bring a blanket.
I think I have a twig in my shorts.
What a coincidence, so does Kelso! BURN! Okay, okay, nice burn.
Hi Jackie.
Oh look it is Michael and his community chest.
Nice! So Michael, when you come over for dinner tonight, don't wear that stupid unicorn tie.
OH! Oh I'm sorry Jackie, was that a gift? Oh yeah?! Well, were those shoes a gift? Because they're ugly! What are you even doing here anyways? Shouldn't you be off playing with ribbons and ponies? Well shouldn't you be off being a bitch? Oeh I made the little girl say a bad word! See you tonight Woops Laurie makes me SO mad! I just wanna rip out her hair, show it to her and hope it doesn't grow back.
I hate her.
Jackie, that's what she wants.
She feeds on your anger man, it only makes her stronger.
Well then what am I supposed to do? If you really want to get under her skin, you have to be Zen.
Zen? Okay, you can't just make up words Hyde.
No, man, Zen.
At peace, aloof Zen Okay then, Hyde, will you teach me how to be Zen? You can't just teach someone to be Zen Jackie, you can only learn to be Zen.
Okay, I don't understand.
Exactly.
And that's your first lesson.
Huh?! Jackie, if you wanna be my student you need to follow my instructions.
Without question.
Okay okay, see, I can do that.
Okay.
First thing, finish polishing my boots.
- Okay Hyde, how is THAT gonna help - WHAT? Okay! You make a fine student! Shine Grasshopper! Shine! Kelso, man you're not seriously coming to dinner tonight are you?! Why shouldn't I? You know, Jackie broke up with me and I needed a girlfriend and Laurie's it.
And plus I need to eat, soI'm coming to dinner! Yeah Kelso, you're lame.
And you're sad.
But if you go to dinner with Red, you're gonna get your just deserts.
I don't really care what they serve I just wanna be there for Laurie you know.
Hope it's pie! Oh Kelso.
It's gonna be SO bad! Can I come to dinner tonight? No.
Look, Red loves Laurie right, and Laurie likes me.
Therefore, Red has to like me.
I mean, what father wouldn't like the guy who is nailing his daughter? Oh Laurie you can't bring Michael to dinner! Are you out of your mind? Mom! I'm an adult, and this is my choice.
No, if you were really an adult, you'd try to meet someone with a future, instead of Michael, who, bless his heart, is probably gonna end up ripping tickets at the Tilt-A-World.
Well he could invent something! Yeah, I guess I'm lazy.
Uhuh.
And Laurie, have you given any thought to what you're gonna say to your father when he finds out? HE'S MY BOYFRIEND DADDY AND WE LOVE EACH OTHER AND YOU CAN'T STOP US FROM BEING TOGETHER! What do you think? .
Laurie I absolutely forbid you to bring that boy to dinner! OH! Sometimes I hate you! Well, that is just too bad because I love you! Because I have to Whatéver No, more aloofness! Whatever I'm not believing you.
Hyde, when are we going to move on? I have been saying 'whatever' for half an hour! You can say very much by saying very little, small Grasshopper.
Pretend you're Laurie and insult me.
Okay Hey Hyde! Youre stupid! Whatever - Wow that was great! - Yeah! Now, another part of this is ambiguity.
Say it with me.
.
BOTH: Ambiguity! Very good.
See, you dont want people to know exactly what you mean.
Here, ask me if I want to go to a movie tonight.
Hey Hyde, would you like to go to a movie tonight? Thats cool.
See, you dont know if I mean Thats cool - Ill go or Thats cool no thanks.
- And thats cool? - Whatever Oh my God! I am so sorry I got impatient! Thats cool.
Hey guys.
So Jackie, Eric wont invite me to dinner tonight.
So do you wanna like go to the mall or something? Thats cool.
Wait, what do you mean? Oh my God it worked! I mean whatever Hi guys, sorry Im late What? You guys started eating without me?! That is SO rude! I'm just kidding! Hahaha! Ahahahahahaa! Well Eric, you must have forgotten to mention that you invited Michael to dinner tonight? Oh right.
Uhhh yeah I guess I did! Oh and there are my chocolates, the chocolates that I asked you to bringover to me.
Oeh Fanny Farmer! No no, those are for Laurie! Kelso, what the hell are you doing here?! DAD! Err.
.
nougat? Don't worry Red, I got something for you too! Huhh! FIVE beers? Uh yeah, they were all out of sixpacksWeird huh.
Let me help you out with that there Red! Are you taking a beer?! HEY FOCUS MAN! He's dating your daughter! Laurie, what's going on? HE'S MY BOYFRIEND DADDY! And he loves meandhe's good to me and we're happy together Kelso, you have five seconds to get as far away from me as possible.
But Red, what about our unspoken bond? ONE! TWO! I'll call you Beer Red? And the rest of dinnerwas eaten in complete silence.
The only sound was the dull throbbing of that vein in Red's giant shiny head.
Boy, I'm glad I'm not Kelso.
Sure he's had sex a lot and I'm still a virgin but OH I wish I was Kelso.
No you don't Fez.
Being Kelso is likeknowing the truth behind all the deceptions of society but not being able to convince any of your fellow suburban clones that anything's wrong man! No wait, that's me.
Man, I just totally forgot why I was laughing! Isn't that funny?! Okayno more for the cheerleader okay? Jackie you seem different.
I don't know if it's your hair, your outfitor your red puffy eyes.
.
She's Zen man.
I've taken her under my wing.
I'm running a dojo of coolness.
Jackie, demonstrate.
Oogly-googly.
Oogly.
Yeah, It's her first day Kitty I don't want our daughter dating that kettle-head! Well maybe it's just a phase.
Nohe's been a kettle-head since No no, I meant Laurie.
This is how it starts you know.
First they're dating and having fun and then the next thing you know they're prying the money to pay for a wedding from my cold dead hands.
Oh honey, they're not gonna get married! He'll leave her when she gets pregnant.
Ahahahahaha! Oh.
Okay.
I see Mr.
Smiley isn't in town today I expected more from her.
What the hell is she doing with some highschool kid? She went to college! Well she did flunk out.
Oh Kitty.
I can see how their future is gonna turn out and it's not good ROBOT-FEZ (with robotvoice): More mashed potatoes Red? Why thank you, ServaTron 2000 Well that's cold! Damn foreign robots.
Oh it's so nice to have dinner with the family like this.
Yeah it's a good thing we found a babysitting droid for the quintuplets.
So Michael, how is the jobhunt going? Great! You know, they had a real short line at the unemployment office so I got home in time to catch the end of the Spaceprice is Right.
You know, times are tough for me and Kelso right now.
You'll help us won't you Daddy? I'll always be there for you honey.
I think she means financially Red.
I know what she means.
Kettle-head.
You're giving us more money, right dude? Yes dammit.
Allright allright.
Hey Laurie, I think it's time for our 'nap' Allright! That's it! I've got to go to Saturn on business for a week.
Now when I get back, you better have a job or it's off to the asteroidmines for you! ROBOT : Don't forget your briefcase Red Thank you ServaTron 2000.
Now, roll back the roof, cause I gotta go.
Jetpack blast off! Red! Red! That's it.
I'm just gonna tell her that she can't see him anymore.
No no, you can't do that Red.
In fact the more we fight it the more she's gonna want to be with kettle-head.
Ah at this rate I'm gonna have a heart-attack before I even get my jetpack.
You know, I missed you guys.
Yeah this place just isn't the same when I'm not around.
Oh hey.
You guys wanna hear a really funny story? I was just upstairs, and Red was yelling at me about you.
And uh then I said: what are you doing yelling at me, Kelso is right downstairs.
In fact.
I'll go get him for ya I said! Say that is a funny story! I don't care.
I'll talk to Red.
He was really mean to me, and here I'm brought him a fivepack.
So I hope he is ready to apologize.
Oooohhh yeah.
Yeah that's it.
If there's one thing Red's about, it's forgiveness No he's not.
He's the opposite of that! Oh wait.
I get you! Funny! Wait uhh Red, can't we leave that open? Have a seat Kelso.
You know, I've been thinking a lot about your "relationship" with my only daughter.
She's a gem.
Shut up.
Kitty says that if the two of you want to see eachother there's nothing I can do about it.
But she's wrong.
Cause I could kill ya.
That's a joke Kelso.
You should laugh when I make a joke.
Huhuhhhey good one Red See you're making me think that I should take a personal interest in you.
And you don't want that.
Take Eric for example.
I have a personal interest in him.
Oh God.
There you go.
What you wanna do here, is fly in under my radar.
So that if I never see you and Laurie together, or hear your name mentioned in the same breath I might just forget that you even exist.
Got it? Yeah.
Okay so you mean if me and Laurie UH now, see, you just mentioned my daughters name.
I'm sorry.
Okay uhh, if Kelso and your daughter No no no no, see that's not gonna work either.
Well this is hard Red! Well you gonna be here till you get it right Kelso! Well okay Red, but eventually my parents are gonna come looking for me.
Yeah, but they're not gonna find ya! Well that's another joke! Come on, laugh Kelso! Oh you again.
What happened, did they let out kindergarden early today? Whatever.
Jackie don't you have a lame comeback, saved for just this very occasion? That's cool.
Ohhh so now you're little miss Cool huh.
Whatever.
Well, if you're really as cool as you think you are, you would have been able to hold on to your one true love.
But you couldn't, could you? Loser! Oh well.
Catfight!! You guys stop it!! OWWW! You bit me! Jackie hit her in the eye!! Oh I know! We can throw water on them and then we can see through their shirts! BITCH!! You kicked her ass man! Yeah yeah, whatever Oh my God, I'm so turned on! I can't believe Laurie bit me.
I hope she didn't give me like slut rabies.
Jackie, you're my hero! You hit her in the eye! Yeah, but I guess it wasn't very Zen of me, was it Hyde? Well, where Zen ends ass-kicking begins.
And that's your final lesson, Grasshopper.
Hey man, let's do that thing where we all sit in a circle again The fact, that you actually went into garage with Red, that's so brave.
Yeah,I guess we both have to fight for our love baby.
- I'm coming to the living room now - Dough Well, hi there kitten.
Hi daddy.
T his game is just like life! I am the richest of all.
Jackie I've got ninehundred and seventy dollars here, it's all yours if you just GO AWAY! Relax Forman.
It's better then having Laurie down here.
She's like a big cancerous tumor.
And Jackie, she's like a tiny benign cyst.
Thank you Hyde! Here, buy yourself a hotel.
Why are you giving him money, I'm the one in jail, does Hyde punch me in the arm.
Why can't we start over? Because Aiiiii.
And don't try tipping over the board again either! Next time we go hiking make sure you bring a blanket.
I think I have a twig in my shorts.
What a coincidence, so does Kelso! BURN! Okay, okay, nice burn.
Hi Jackie.
Oh look it is Michael and his community chest.
Nice! So Michael, when you come over for dinner tonight, don't wear that stupid unicorn tie.
OH! Oh I'm sorry Jackie, was that a gift? Oh yeah?! Well, were those shoes a gift? Because they're ugly! What are you even doing here anyways? Shouldn't you be off playing with ribbons and ponies? Well shouldn't you be off being a bitch? Oeh I made the little girl say a bad word! See you tonight Woops Laurie makes me SO mad! I just wanna rip out her hair, show it to her and hope it doesn't grow back.
I hate her.
Jackie, that's what she wants.
She feeds on your anger man, it only makes her stronger.
Well then what am I supposed to do? If you really want to get under her skin, you have to be Zen.
Zen? Okay, you can't just make up words Hyde.
No, man, Zen.
At peace, aloof Zen Okay then, Hyde, will you teach me how to be Zen? You can't just teach someone to be Zen Jackie, you can only learn to be Zen.
Okay, I don't understand.
Exactly.
And that's your first lesson.
Huh?! Jackie, if you wanna be my student you need to follow my instructions.
Without question.
Okay okay, see, I can do that.
Okay.
First thing, finish polishing my boots.
- Okay Hyde, how is THAT gonna help - WHAT? Okay! You make a fine student! Shine Grasshopper! Shine! Kelso, man you're not seriously coming to dinner tonight are you?! Why shouldn't I? You know, Jackie broke up with me and I needed a girlfriend and Laurie's it.
And plus I need to eat, soI'm coming to dinner! Yeah Kelso, you're lame.
And you're sad.
But if you go to dinner with Red, you're gonna get your just deserts.
I don't really care what they serve I just wanna be there for Laurie you know.
Hope it's pie! Oh Kelso.
It's gonna be SO bad! Can I come to dinner tonight? No.
Look, Red loves Laurie right, and Laurie likes me.
Therefore, Red has to like me.
I mean, what father wouldn't like the guy who is nailing his daughter? Oh Laurie you can't bring Michael to dinner! Are you out of your mind? Mom! I'm an adult, and this is my choice.
No, if you were really an adult, you'd try to meet someone with a future, instead of Michael, who, bless his heart, is probably gonna end up ripping tickets at the Tilt-A-World.
Well he could invent something! Yeah, I guess I'm lazy.
Uhuh.
And Laurie, have you given any thought to what you're gonna say to your father when he finds out? HE'S MY BOYFRIEND DADDY AND WE LOVE EACH OTHER AND YOU CAN'T STOP US FROM BEING TOGETHER! What do you think? .
Laurie I absolutely forbid you to bring that boy to dinner! OH! Sometimes I hate you! Well, that is just too bad because I love you! Because I have to Whatéver No, more aloofness! Whatever I'm not believing you.
Hyde, when are we going to move on? I have been saying 'whatever' for half an hour! You can say very much by saying very little, small Grasshopper.
Pretend you're Laurie and insult me.
Okay Hey Hyde! Youre stupid! Whatever - Wow that was great! - Yeah! Now, another part of this is ambiguity.
Say it with me.
.
BOTH: Ambiguity! Very good.
See, you dont want people to know exactly what you mean.
Here, ask me if I want to go to a movie tonight.
Hey Hyde, would you like to go to a movie tonight? Thats cool.
See, you dont know if I mean Thats cool - Ill go or Thats cool no thanks.
- And thats cool? - Whatever Oh my God! I am so sorry I got impatient! Thats cool.
Hey guys.
So Jackie, Eric wont invite me to dinner tonight.
So do you wanna like go to the mall or something? Thats cool.
Wait, what do you mean? Oh my God it worked! I mean whatever Hi guys, sorry Im late What? You guys started eating without me?! That is SO rude! I'm just kidding! Hahaha! Ahahahahahaa! Well Eric, you must have forgotten to mention that you invited Michael to dinner tonight? Oh right.
Uhhh yeah I guess I did! Oh and there are my chocolates, the chocolates that I asked you to bringover to me.
Oeh Fanny Farmer! No no, those are for Laurie! Kelso, what the hell are you doing here?! DAD! Err.
.
nougat? Don't worry Red, I got something for you too! Huhh! FIVE beers? Uh yeah, they were all out of sixpacksWeird huh.
Let me help you out with that there Red! Are you taking a beer?! HEY FOCUS MAN! He's dating your daughter! Laurie, what's going on? HE'S MY BOYFRIEND DADDY! And he loves meandhe's good to me and we're happy together Kelso, you have five seconds to get as far away from me as possible.
But Red, what about our unspoken bond? ONE! TWO! I'll call you Beer Red? And the rest of dinnerwas eaten in complete silence.
The only sound was the dull throbbing of that vein in Red's giant shiny head.
Boy, I'm glad I'm not Kelso.
Sure he's had sex a lot and I'm still a virgin but OH I wish I was Kelso.
No you don't Fez.
Being Kelso is likeknowing the truth behind all the deceptions of society but not being able to convince any of your fellow suburban clones that anything's wrong man! No wait, that's me.
Man, I just totally forgot why I was laughing! Isn't that funny?! Okayno more for the cheerleader okay? Jackie you seem different.
I don't know if it's your hair, your outfitor your red puffy eyes.
.
She's Zen man.
I've taken her under my wing.
I'm running a dojo of coolness.
Jackie, demonstrate.
Oogly-googly.
Oogly.
Yeah, It's her first day Kitty I don't want our daughter dating that kettle-head! Well maybe it's just a phase.
Nohe's been a kettle-head since No no, I meant Laurie.
This is how it starts you know.
First they're dating and having fun and then the next thing you know they're prying the money to pay for a wedding from my cold dead hands.
Oh honey, they're not gonna get married! He'll leave her when she gets pregnant.
Ahahahahaha! Oh.
Okay.
I see Mr.
Smiley isn't in town today I expected more from her.
What the hell is she doing with some highschool kid? She went to college! Well she did flunk out.
Oh Kitty.
I can see how their future is gonna turn out and it's not good ROBOT-FEZ (with robotvoice): More mashed potatoes Red? Why thank you, ServaTron 2000 Well that's cold! Damn foreign robots.
Oh it's so nice to have dinner with the family like this.
Yeah it's a good thing we found a babysitting droid for the quintuplets.
So Michael, how is the jobhunt going? Great! You know, they had a real short line at the unemployment office so I got home in time to catch the end of the Spaceprice is Right.
You know, times are tough for me and Kelso right now.
You'll help us won't you Daddy? I'll always be there for you honey.
I think she means financially Red.
I know what she means.
Kettle-head.
You're giving us more money, right dude? Yes dammit.
Allright allright.
Hey Laurie, I think it's time for our 'nap' Allright! That's it! I've got to go to Saturn on business for a week.
Now when I get back, you better have a job or it's off to the asteroidmines for you! ROBOT : Don't forget your briefcase Red Thank you ServaTron 2000.
Now, roll back the roof, cause I gotta go.
Jetpack blast off! Red! Red! That's it.
I'm just gonna tell her that she can't see him anymore.
No no, you can't do that Red.
In fact the more we fight it the more she's gonna want to be with kettle-head.
Ah at this rate I'm gonna have a heart-attack before I even get my jetpack.
You know, I missed you guys.
Yeah this place just isn't the same when I'm not around.
Oh hey.
You guys wanna hear a really funny story? I was just upstairs, and Red was yelling at me about you.
And uh then I said: what are you doing yelling at me, Kelso is right downstairs.
In fact.
I'll go get him for ya I said! Say that is a funny story! I don't care.
I'll talk to Red.
He was really mean to me, and here I'm brought him a fivepack.
So I hope he is ready to apologize.
Oooohhh yeah.
Yeah that's it.
If there's one thing Red's about, it's forgiveness No he's not.
He's the opposite of that! Oh wait.
I get you! Funny! Wait uhh Red, can't we leave that open? Have a seat Kelso.
You know, I've been thinking a lot about your "relationship" with my only daughter.
She's a gem.
Shut up.
Kitty says that if the two of you want to see eachother there's nothing I can do about it.
But she's wrong.
Cause I could kill ya.
That's a joke Kelso.
You should laugh when I make a joke.
Huhuhhhey good one Red See you're making me think that I should take a personal interest in you.
And you don't want that.
Take Eric for example.
I have a personal interest in him.
Oh God.
There you go.
What you wanna do here, is fly in under my radar.
So that if I never see you and Laurie together, or hear your name mentioned in the same breath I might just forget that you even exist.
Got it? Yeah.
Okay so you mean if me and Laurie UH now, see, you just mentioned my daughters name.
I'm sorry.
Okay uhh, if Kelso and your daughter No no no no, see that's not gonna work either.
Well this is hard Red! Well you gonna be here till you get it right Kelso! Well okay Red, but eventually my parents are gonna come looking for me.
Yeah, but they're not gonna find ya! Well that's another joke! Come on, laugh Kelso! Oh you again.
What happened, did they let out kindergarden early today? Whatever.
Jackie don't you have a lame comeback, saved for just this very occasion? That's cool.
Ohhh so now you're little miss Cool huh.
Whatever.
Well, if you're really as cool as you think you are, you would have been able to hold on to your one true love.
But you couldn't, could you? Loser! Oh well.
Catfight!! You guys stop it!! OWWW! You bit me! Jackie hit her in the eye!! Oh I know! We can throw water on them and then we can see through their shirts! BITCH!! You kicked her ass man! Yeah yeah, whatever Oh my God, I'm so turned on! I can't believe Laurie bit me.
I hope she didn't give me like slut rabies.
Jackie, you're my hero! You hit her in the eye! Yeah, but I guess it wasn't very Zen of me, was it Hyde? Well, where Zen ends ass-kicking begins.
And that's your final lesson, Grasshopper.
Hey man, let's do that thing where we all sit in a circle again The fact, that you actually went into garage with Red, that's so brave.
Yeah,I guess we both have to fight for our love baby.
- I'm coming to the living room now - Dough Well, hi there kitten.
Hi daddy.