The Addams Family (1964) s02e25 Episode Script

They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
So get a witch's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family That Uncle Tom 's Cabin sure packs a wallop.
They say Latin is a dead language.
Thank you, culture lovers.
Oh, hello, darlings.
You just missed your father's Latin hour.
How was school today? Back to reality, eh, children, from a world of fantasy? Wednesday, Pugsley? What's the matter, children? Oh, I know, you got A's again.
Worse.
That cranky old principal scolded us for having fun at recess.
Recess? If I remember correctly, I flunked that three times.
Tough.
But why on earth would the principal scold you? Search us.
We were just showing the kids how to shoot dynamite caps.
Well, it seems harmless enough.
At least they weren't frittering away their time with marbles.
But he got real mad when one of the kids blew up the teeter-totter.
He didn't follow my instructions, and the principal said if we ever played with dynamite again, he'd expel us.
Expel you? He can't do that.
Can he? After all, darling, he is the principal.
You children run along now and play.
Gomez, if that principal denies our children normal self-expression, they're liable to become frustrated and warped.
You're right.
We don't want them bitter and suspicious of their fellow men.
I think we ought to transfer them to another school.
Those public schools, they're all the same.
No, no, no, I mean a private school.
Darling, do you remember Mr.
Hilliard? Hilliard? Hilliard.
Oh, the fellow who used to be the truant officer.
The very one.
I've heard he's running a marvelous private school called Mockridge Hall.
That's it then.
Mockridge Hall.
I'll ring up Hilliard right away.
As old Erasmus Addams once said, "You've got to take the bull by the teeth.
" Teeth? Some people here to see you.
If there are more bill collectors, I'm out.
Our bank account is absolutely Oh, they said their name was Addams.
- Addams? One "D" or two? - They didn't say.
- Did they seem a little - Quite a little.
Miss Ames, I just remembered a dental appointment, and I can hardly wait to get there.
Mr.
Hilliard, what a charming surprise! You see, Gomez, it is our old friend.
Hilliard, old bean, you just sort of dropped out of sight.
Yeah, I certainly tried.
You're the only truant officer our children ever missed.
We wondered if you were still with the public school system? No, no, that didn't work out, thanks to you.
Our pleasure, old man, and a shrewd move on your part, too.
You do remember our remarkable offspring? Pugsley and Wednesday.
Names that haunt even my happiest hours.
Mr.
Hilliard, what a lovely compliment! In that case, Hilliard, you'll be more than delighted to know that we are again placing them in your capable hands.
Oh, no.
We want to enroll them in Mockridge Hall immediately.
The public school system is stifling their creative talents.
I can imagine.
Well, that's that.
Come, my dear, we'll fetch our offspring at once.
Just a moment.
I'm afraid there's a slight complication.
Yes, the tuition.
No problem at all.
You name it.
No, it isn't that.
You see, we have a very limited enrolment.
And at the moment, there are absolutely no openings.
Well, you see, we have just so many desks.
As a matter of fact, I had to turn down somebody this morning.
Oh, but, Mr.
Hilliard, there must be some way.
No way.
No way at all, Mrs.
Addams.
I'm sorry, but there's absolutely no possibility of You see, we have just so many desks.
Well, there's your answer.
Two more desks, no problem.
Will $10,000 cover it? As you can see, my husband has the ability to solve the most insurmountable problems.
Come on, my pet, we'll find the children at once.
Gomez, look.
I had no idea Mr.
Hilliard was such a sentimentalist.
Weeping for joy.
You, too? Every school loves a military touch.
We just had to show our appreciation by giving this school this cannon.
But why does it have to be my cannon? How can I face that empty room tonight? Uncle Fester, it's for the children.
Well, in that case, you better let me sight it in, in case they decide to use it.
In case they decide to use it? Fester, this cannon will be an absolute must at jousting, regattas, polo and curling events.
I would estimate a five-knot breeze from the direction of the glue factory.
The glue factory? That's dinner.
Yes.
Good shot, Fester.
Too bad the chief lost his fighting spirit when Geronimo quit.
Children, home from dear old Mockridge Hall so soon? They let Pugsley and me come home in the middle of our first class.
I'll wager the pets were a smash hit.
When my octopus gave the teacher a hug, she got so flustered she rang the fire alarm.
Dear Aristotle, he's such an affectionate creature.
Sometimes I worry about the way he takes up with total strangers.
And did teacher like your Gila monster? She got so thrilled that she called for Mr.
Hilliard to come and see it, and then she got so excited that she fainted.
Anyone who likes animals that much has got it here.
Next pet day you should take Mama's alligator.
- Do you think she'll let us? - Well, why don't you ask her? She's downstairs in the basement wrestling with him now.
I nearly forgot.
Mr.
Hilliard sent you a note.
A personal note from Mr.
Hilliard.
Isn't that thoughtful? Man's a pure thoroughbred, Tish.
Thank you, Thing.
Smartest thing we ever did, enroll the children at Mockridge Hall.
Gomez, darling, I don't understand this.
I think it's some sort of joke.
Oh, Hilliard, he's a laugh a minute.
What is it this time? Well, he says the children are permanently expelled.
He even suggests a psychiatrist.
"No amount of money in this world is sufficient.
" Morticia, this man sounds irrational.
He does need a psychiatrist.
I'll call him right now and get things squared away.
Darling, don't you think I'd better call? You're apt to be a bit excited.
You're right, my dear.
Where the welfare of my children is concerned, I'm a snarling wolf at bay.
Oh, thank you, Thing.
Hello? May I speak with Mr.
Hilliard, please? Mrs.
Addams calling.
What did he say? I'm afraid you're right, dear.
The poor man is irrational.
- I could hardly understand him.
- Did you get the gist of it? Well, he babbled something about Board of Regents and the faculty.
He said the children would be a menace in any school.
Poor devil, he's not responsible.
Being pressured by higher-ups.
I'm afraid you're right.
But what do we do about the children? What about their schooling? Morticia, there are some things that money just won't buy.
And some things it will.
Mockridge Hall, for instance.
Crackling good notion.
We'll buy the place, run it as it should be run, and take the pressure off of Hilliard.
Oh, I wish I could be there when that wonderful man hears the good news.
You will, you will, my dear.
It will be another glorious chapter in Addams history.
A new institution of higher learning is born.
Darling, how did you ever happen to think of such an original name? Just came to me.
Darling, why don't you relax? You must be utterly exhausted.
The chancellor of Addams Hall has little time for creature comforts, my dear.
Remember, tempus fungus.
That, too.
Gomez! I consider it an honor to serve under you as dean of demolition and dynamite.
- You're the perfect man for it, Fester.
- You could get electronics.
Oh, sure.
It must be Mr.
Hilliard.
Straight faces, everyone.
Remember, save the surprise until last.
Mr.
Hilliard.
- Hey, old man, come in, come in.
- What a pleasant surprise.
For some obscure reason, the Board of Regents ordered me to stop by here.
Board of Regents, eh? They do push you around a lot, don't they? They must be a constant thorn in your side.
Oh, our relationship is most cordial, and we quite concur on the matter of your children, if that's the reason Brave try, old man, but there's no need to cover up for them any longer.
They're off your back for good.
What are you driving at? You will be delighted to know that there's an entirely new Board of Regents.
Pardon? You don't possibly mean that you Right as rain.
We have purchased Mockridge Hall.
Lock, stock and you.
Me? Me! We insist you remain as headmaster.
We feel sure you'll fit in perfectly with the new plans we have.
Plans? Yeah, I've given my department a lot of thought.
- Your department? - Exactly.
With the exception of the headmaster, you, we have replaced the entire faculty.
Hilliard, old man, come here.
We've assembled the most advanced teaching aids in the country.
Look at this.
Visual aids make strong impressions on young minds.
- Professor Fester, will you oblige? - I'll be glad to.
However, visual combined with audio really are truly effective.
Observe.
Watch.
In a right isosceles triangle, the square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the square of the opposite two sides.
This is a recording.
What child could resist that? Look, Mrs.
Addams And, Hilliard, you'll be pleased to hear that we're de-emphasizing all of the snap courses like English, Science, Mathematics Pugsley, when he was born, was already up to calculus.
Wednesday recited The Raven her first day.
Now, we're going back to the real fundamentals.
Advanced head shrinking.
Yes, that ought to be a required course.
And a crash course in theoretical taxidermy.
Yes, and freshman dynamite one and two.
I'll be teaching that, of course.
I wouldn't dare trust it to anyone else.
Oh, this is insanity! And Mama has got some marvelous ideas for the home economics class.
You rang? Yes, Lurch.
Would you mind bringing Mama's contribution to the home economics class? Thank you.
Show it to Mr.
Hilliard.
- Baked mongoose.
- No, thank you, I just ate.
Save it for later, Lurch.
Don't tell me that's part of the faculty, too.
Thing is our new attendance monitor.
Mr.
And Mrs.
Addams, it's simply incredible that you'd expect a man of my scholastic reputation to turn the curriculum of Mockridge Hall into complete bedlam.
- Addams Hall, Mr.
Hilliard.
- We have complete confidence in you.
Cousin Itt, are you going to teach animal husbandry? Of course.
Why didn't I think of that? Raising our own sheepskin for our diplomas.
You can see how shrewd and practical we're gonna be.
Mr.
Hilliard, isn't it exciting? With our innovations and your experience, Addams Hall will be famous in no time.
There's no doubt about that.
Well, now that we understand each other, have you any suggestions, Hilliard, old man? Yes, yes, I do have a suggestion.
I suggest you get a new headmaster, I I'm leaving.
I retire.
I quit.
Goodbye! Goodbye! Who could've guessed at his mental state? Poor devil.
Probably felt inadequate to the challenge.
Thunderation! Where can we find a replacement? I'll give it a whirl.
We may have to go to the ends of the earth to find a man with the suitable wit, intuition and wisdom for the position.
We don't even have to leave this room.
Look, dear.
Querida, you are indeed the wise one.
It's destiny.
Kismet.
You owe it to the youth of America.
You must assume the mantle.
Our school much prefers challenging your school to a jousting tournament.
But since jousting is not in your restricted curriculum, we accept your offer of polo.
Respectfully, etcetera, etcetera.
Beautiful shot, darling.
Good show, old paint.
Same time tomorrow.
Darling, I'll get that letter off with the others in a moment.
Querida, how can I bear this heavy burden without you at my side? Darling, such rewarding work.
In only two short weeks absenteeism has completely disappeared.
All a question of intelligent presentation of subject matter.
Dear Uncle Fester, he just loves giving those finals.
Cousin Itt.
And how is our professor of speech therapy? How nice.
You've been working with the porpoises today? You have a progress report on tape? Well, let's hear it.
That's incredible.
His lisp is completely gone.
Soon the porpoise will take over the class, and you can go back as instructor at the barber college.
Dear Cousin Itt, he fits in so perfectly.
He's all Addams.
Oh, dear, that must be the committee from the mothers' club.
They called earlier.
- Bully! Show them in.
- Yes, darling.
Tish, you know what that French does to me.
Chancellor Addams, really! Sorry, wrong arm.
I'm Mrs.
Addams.
Welcome, gentle mothers, at your service.
We have come to verify the fantastic things our children have been telling us.
Classes in mine laying and do-it-yourself dentistry? Would you like to tour the campus? Thank you, but I think we've seen quite enough.
Mr.
Addams, in this envelope is a resolution signed by the parent of every child in this school, except yours.
What an honor after such a short time in office.
Oh, I do hope it's suitable for framing.
It states that unless Mr.
Hilliard and his programs are reinstated, every child in this school will be withdrawn at once.
And we do mean at once.
Mr.
Hilliard, or an empty school.
Come, ladies.
Such dear, compassionate ladies.
Dear? Compassionate? Even though they're wrong, they can't bring themselves to let Mr.
Hilliard down.
- It's blind loyalty.
- Lf I could only be certain.
Darling, why don't we go home? In the proper surroundings, you'll see things in their true perspective.
Lurch should be back by now.
Slow.
What's the correct time, pet? Thank you, my dear.
It's a noble thing you're about to do, Gomez.
Confronted with your relentless logic, my dear, I have no choice.
Oh, Mr.
Hilliard, how nice of you to drop by.
Drop by? I was brutally kidnapped by that one-man goon squad.
Same old Hilliard.
He can charm the birds out of the trees.
Mr.
Hilliard, we have such lovely news for you.
You mean I can go? No, no, no.
Not until you have some refreshment.
Why does it have to be me? Always me.
- Here you are.
- No.
We like the cut of your jib, Hilliard.
We need you back at the school.
I'll take that after all, Mrs.
Addams.
Your presence at the school is an absolute must, Mr.
Hilliard.
Why can't I make you understand that wild horses wouldn't drag me And the fierce, if somewhat blind, loyalty of our mothers should not go unrewarded.
And feast your eyes on this, old sport.
The new financial report.
Why, the school is financially independent forever.
I simply don't understand.
Now that my husband has brought the school out of its scholastic doldrums as well, we feel confident that you will follow the trail he's blazed.
If I did return, I'd have to be in complete charge.
- Oh, I'd insist on that.
- Then it's agreed.
Wait a minute, let's understand each other.
- I'm to run the school as I see fit? - Exactly.
No catches.
Well, we'll be honest with you.
There is one.
I knew it.
Fester stays on as dean of demolition.
I knew it, I knew it! - Wait, wait till I get to the catch.
- There's more? You see, he's working on a rather complicated project here at home.
It may be years before you can actually have him.
I think I can make the sacrifice.
Good news, Uncle Fester.
Mr.
Hilliard's coming back to school.
Well, the way things are going, I'll need an extended leave.
Problems with the project? Yeah.
I got the whole formula backwards.
It's supposed to blow up, not down.
Mr.
Hilliard, it's too bad you can't have him sooner.
He's such a perfectionist.
If only the music appreciation class could have heard that.
Off to school, children? Well, give our best to Mr.
Hilliard.
Father, we don't like private school anymore.
It's no fun now that you're not there.
That's a point.
We want to go back to public school.
Very well, on one condition.
That you keep up your home studies with Uncle Fester and Grandmama.
We'll keep up our home studies.
We promise.
Wait until the principal sees us again.
Come on, Pugsley.
Oh, boy.
I can hardly wait to see his face.
It turns such a pretty purple.
Bye, children.
Oh, dear.
Back to public school again, after all that trouble.
But it served a purpose, Morticia.
Education's in my blood.
I can't quit.
- What do you mean, darling? - It's a surprise, my dear, a surprise.
Thank you, Thing.
Hello, Watkins? How's the deal? Oh, Harvard wouldn't sell? Well, too bad.
I wanted to get it for Mrs.
Addams' birthday.
Well, keep trying old man.
Try Oxford, Yale, Princeton.
Gomez, how touching, darling! You wanted to buy me Harvard for my birthday.
Come to think of it, it is rather a silly gift for a beautiful woman.
I should get you Vassar.