The Cosby Show s02e25 Episode Script

BACK FROM A TRIUMPHANT DAY OF SHOPPING.
GET EVERYTHING YOU WANTED? NO.
MMM.
HOAGIE.
SO WHAT HAPPENED? WE HAD A FIGHT IN GRENDEL'S DEPARTMENT STORE.
ABOUT WHAT? MEGA-WOMAN.
MEGA WHAT? MEGA-WOMAN.
SHE'S A DOLL.
SHE CAN STOP LASER BEAMS AND WALK THROUGH WALLS.
SHE HAS A GALACTIC NECKLACE, A POWER RING AND AN ANTI-MATTER SUIT.
MM-HMM.
AND I IMAGINE THESE ITEMS ARE SOLD SEPARATELY? AND NOT ONLY THAT THERE'S A WHOLE FAMILY OF THEM.
THERE'S MEGA-GIRL AND MEGA-BOY.
SHE'S MARRIED TO MEGA-MAN AND THEY DRIVE AROUND IN A MEGA-MOBILE.
YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT THEY COST.
MEGA-BUCKS.
A LITTLE DOLL THIS SIZE COST $9.
00.
I SAID, "RUDY, I JUST BOUGHT YOU A DOLL.
I'M NOT BUYING ANOTHER ONE.
" RUDY HAD A MEGA-FIT.
AND I'M SURE YOU TOOK OUT YOUR ANTI-FIT GALACTIC SHIELD AND SAVED THE DAY.
YES, I DID.
GUESS WHO CALLED TODAY.
WHO? I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT.
"IS THIS DOCTOR HEATHCLIFF 'COMBUSTIBLE' HUXTABLE?" OH, NO.
YOU DON'T MEAN COLONEL TURNER? COLONEL SANFORD B.
"TAILWIND" TURNER.
YOU WANT SOME MUSTARD? GAHHHH! VANESSA TOOK THE MESSAGE.
HE SAID HE WOULD CALL SOMETIME AFTER LUNCH AND I KNOW HE WANTS A REMATCH.
YOU'RE NOT CONSIDERING RUNNING AGAINST THIS MAN AGAIN? ABSOLUTELY.
YOU HAVE SUCH A SHORT MEMORY.
LAST YEAR AFTER THAT RACE, YOU SPENT THREE DAYS IN BED AND I HAD TO FILL THE ICE PACKS AND I DIDN'T GET ANY SLEEP BECAUSE EVERY TIME YOU TURNED OVER I HAD TO HEAR "OH, CLAIR, MY LEGS.
MY LEGS, CLAIR.
CLAIR, MY LEGS.
" THAT WAS THEN.
I HAVE BEEN WORKING OUT, AND I AM IN SHAPE.
LOOK AT ME.
YOU LOOK GOOD.
OKAY.
CAN I HAVE A NAPKIN? A NAPKIN? I AM LEAN AND MEAN.
SO WHY RUIN THAT WHY RUIN IT BY RACING? THE ONLY THING I'M GOING TO RUIN IS HIS PRIDE.
YOU DID THAT LAST YEAR WHEN YOU WON.
WE DIDN'T WIN.
IT WAS A TIE.
NO, IT WASN'T.
YOU WON.
HEY.
DENISE, THE RELAY RACE I RAN LAST YEAR-- WHO WON? NOBODY.
IT WAS A TIE.
I TOLD YOU IT WAS A TIE.
IT WAS NOT.
IT WAS.
DON'T LISTEN TO HER.
SHE COULDN'T EVEN SEE THE FINISH LINE.
THEN WE'LL PLAY THE TAPE OF THE RACE.
WE DON'T HAVE TO.
WE DON'T HAVE TO PLAY THE TAPE.
DENISE.
I TOLD YOU NEVER TO SAY IT WAS A TIE.
NOT THE TAPE.
WE WATCHED IT LAST NIGHT.
WE DON'T NEED TO SEE IT AGAIN.
YEAH, DAD, I WAS MISTAKEN.
WE'VE SEEN THIS TAPE IS IT STILL IN ONE PIECE? SIT DOWN.
NOW TURN THIS THING ON, AND THERE.
DO YOU KNOW I HAD A 40-YARD LEAD ON HIM AND HE STILL CAUGHT ME.
WATCH THIS.
LOOK! YOU'RE WINNING.
NO, NO.
YOU'RE WINNING.
NO, NOT YET.
HERE IT COMES.
SLOW IT DOWN.
* DA TA-DA TA-DA TA-DA * BOW! YOU WON! TIE! IT WAS A TIE.
YOU WON.
OKAY, I'LL RUN IT AGAIN.
NO! DAD, NO! HEY.
HOW YOU DOING? I JUST RAN A TAPE OF MY RACE.
HOW COME NOBODY CALLED ME? SIT DOWN.
I'LL RUN IT AGAIN.
I CAN'T.
I'M GOING TO COCKROACH'S.
I'LL DRIVE YOU.
BYE.
I'M LOOKING AT THE SHAPE I WAS IN THEN AND I CAN SEE HOW HE CAUGHT ME BUT THIS YEAR, I AM READY.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE? YOU'RE A BUNCH OF MIDDLE-AGED MEN TRYING TO RECAPTURE YOUR YOUTH.
YOU'RE AS YOUNG AS YOU FEEL.
IT'S ALL IN THE MIND.
THEN THAT'S WHERE I'LL PUT THE ICE PACKS NEXT TIME.
( RING ) THAT'S HIM.
IF YOU WANT TO RACE, YOU RACE BUT I'M OUT OF IT.
OUT OF IT? O-U-T OF IT.
( RING ) HUXTABLE RESIDENCE.
IS THIS HEATHCLIFF HUXTABLE? IS THIS TAILWIND TURNER-- THE MAN I FOUGHT OFF IN THE RELAY RACE LAST YEAR? THESE ARE THE RULES OF TRACK: WHOEVER CROSSES THE FINISH LINE FIRST IS THE WINNER.
THAT WAS ME.
I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU.
I'M IN SHAPE THIS YEAR.
WE'RE NOT COMPETING.
I WANT YOU TO RUN WITH ME FOR CHARITY.
DO WHAT? SCOTT OAKLEY CAN'T RUN.
WILL YOU REPLACE HIM IN THE RELAY? HOLD THE PHONE JUST ONE SECOND.
DEAR, HE DOESN'T WANT TO RUN AGAINST ME.
HE WANTS ME TO RUN BUT HE WANTS ME TO RUN IT'S YOU AND ME TOGETHER? TOGETHER AT THE PENN RELAYS.
PENN RELAYS? JUST A MINUTE.
DEAR, IT'S THE PENN RELAYS.
HE WANTS ME TO RUN WITH HIM IN THE PENN RELAYS.
IT'S THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE ROOTING FOR ME AT THE PENN RELAYS.
ALL MY LIFE, I'VE WANTED TO RUN IN THE PENN RELAYS.
UM WHAT LEG? ANCHOR LEG.
JUST A MINUTE.
HE WANTS ME TO RUN ANCHOR LEG.
DEAR, THAT'S THE LEG OF HONOR AND GLORY.
IN THE PE WHO ARE WE RUNNING AGAINST? THAT'S THE BEAUTIFUL PART.
YOU'RE RUNNING AGAINST CHARLIE STEVENSON.
CHARLIE STEVENSON SET THE CONFERENCE RECORD IN THE SOUTHEAST WHEN WE WERE IN COLLEGE.
WHEN DID YOU SEE HIM LAST? IT'S GOT TO BE 30 YEARS, I GUESS, WHEN I SAW HIM.
HE WAS ABOUT FIVE-TEN, WEIGHED 160 POUNDS AND ALL LEGS.
THAT'S WHAT I REMEMBER.
NOW HE'S FIVE-TEN BOTH WAYS.
REALLY? WELL, I'M SORRY.
I NEED SOME TIME TO THINK IT OVER.
I NEED TO KNOW NOW.
I ACCEPT.
WELCOME ABOARD.
THANK YOU.
DEAR TAILWIND TURNER, THE FASTEST MAN IN THE WORLD IS GOING TO HAND OFF TO ME, COMBUSTIBLE HUXTABLE-- THE FASTEST MAN IN THE UNIVERSE.
FAST? FAST.
FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT? FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT.
GOOD, THEN YOU'LL BE TOO FAST FOR THE CAMERA AND THERE WON'T BE A TAPE.
HI, DADDY.
HI.
OHH AHH.
BET YOU CAN RUN FAST.
I'VE BEEN KNOWN TO DO THAT.
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE CAN RUN FAST? WHO? MEGA-WOMAN.
I DON'T KNOW HER.
YOU WOULD LIKE HER.
SHE'S GOT LASER BEAMS REALLY? AND BREATHES UNDERWATER.
OH, SHE'S A FISH.
NO, SHE'S A WOMAN LIKE ME.
CAN I HAVE HER? HOW MUCH DOES SHE COST? NINE DOLLARS.
WHOA, THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY.
IF YOU GET ME THIS YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO GET ME ANYTHING ELSE AGAIN.
IF I BUY YOU THIS MEGA-WOMAN I DON'T HAVE TO BUY YOU ANOTHER GIFT OR ANYTHING FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE? RIGHT.
I LIKE THIS DEAL.
YES, INDEED.
HI.
OH, THERE'S MOM.
WE'LL SEE WHAT SHE NO, NO.
YOU DON'T WANT ME TO ASK MOM ABOUT MEGA-WOMAN? OH, DAD.
RUDY, I ALREADY TOLD YOU NO MEGA-WOMAN.
I'LL PAY FOR IT.
YOU DON'T HAVE A JOB.
I'LL GET ONE.
DOING WHAT? CLEANING UP MY ROOM.
YOU ALREADY DO THAT FOR FREE.
WE COULD PAY RUDY FOR DOING EXTRA HOUSEWORK.
WHAT'S FIRST? PAINT THE KITCHEN.
NO, NO, NO.
YOU CAN START BY HELPING ME CLEAN THE CUPBOARDS.
OKAY.
I'LL DO IT FOR NINE DOLLARS.
IT PAYS 50 CENTS.
I'LL TAKE THAT.
HEY, MOM, HAVE YOU SEEN DAD? HE WANTED TO GET SOME SPRINTS IN.
HE RAN THIS MORNING.
YES, BUT THE RACE IS TOMORROW.
TWICE A DAY? SHOULD HE BE DOING THAT? HE'S ALMOST 50.
HE'S JUST 49.
FIFTY IS AROUND THE CORNER.
YOU'RE SAYING 50 IS OLD AGE? WELL, YEAH.
THEN WHAT'S MIDDLE AGE? UM TWENTY-FIVE.
THEN WHAT DOES THAT MAKE ME? JUST RIGHT.
YOU'D BETTER BE GLAD YOU SAID THAT.
I'M FINISHED DUSTING.
GOOD.
CAN I HAVE MY 25 CENTS NOW? AS SOON AS I INSPECT YOUR WORK.
THEO, GIVE ME A DOLLAR.
FOR WHAT? I CLEANED YOUR CLOSET.
NOBODY ASKED YOU TO.
I DID IT.
YOU OWE ME A DOLLAR.
RUDY, I'M NOT GIVING YOU A DOLLAR.
THEN I'M MESSING IT UP.
I'LL MESS YOU UP.
GET AWAY FROM ME! ALL RIGHT, YOU TWO.
NO MESSING UP THE CLOSET OR EACH OTHER.
MOM, WE'RE BACK! THAT'S NOT THE WAY WE ACT.
YOU DO.
WHAT'S ALL THIS? DAD WAS ACTING WEIRD IN THE CAR.
WEIRD? ALL I DID WAS ACT THE WAY MY CHILDREN ACT SOMETIMES WHEN THEY'RE IN THE CAR AND I'M DRIVING.
SHE WAS DRIVING AND I'M SITTING ON THE PASSENGER SIDE AND I DECIDED TO TURN THE RADIO UP LOUD.
I HAD THE SOUND GOING SO IT'S BOUNCING ALL OVER THE CAR.
I JUST SAT THERE AND I WAS JUST HERE'S DAD, OKAY? PEOPLE WERE STARING AT HIM.
SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAD FUN.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN DAD.
HE WAS GREAT.
TALK SLOW.
TALK SLOW.
HE WAS FAST.
HELLO.
WHAT ELSE? HE WAS REAL HANDSOME.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WE WERE VERY PROUD THAT HE WAS OUR DAD.
UNTIL HE GOT INTO THE CAR.
THANK YOU FOR THE RIDE.
I SAW 19 TODAY.
NINETEEN? I WAS RESTING, RECOVERING FROM MY 400 AND THIS 19-YEAR-OLD BOY WAS RUNNING THE QUARTER-- JUST PRACTICING-- AND HE WENT PAST ME WOOSH.
I JUST WATCHED HIM.
NINETEEN.
AND IT HAD SPEED.
IT HAD POWER.
IT HAD BOUNCE.
NINETEEN.
CLIFF, DO YOU WANT TO BE 19 AGAIN? ONLY IF YOU'LL BE 19 WITH ME.
SURE.
THE CHILDREN COULD BE 49.
( HUFFING AND PUFFING ) POW! ( SOTTO VOCE: ) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
TAILWIND TURNER HANDS OFF TO COMBUSTIBLE HUXTABLE.
POW.
LOOK AT THAT STRIDE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
NO ONE'S EVER SEEN THAT STRIDE ON A MAN THIS OLD BEFORE.
AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN KAPOW CLIFF.
YES, DEAR? HONEY, WHAT TIME IS IT? IT'S TEN AND A HALF HOURS BEFORE THE RACE.
POW.
ARE YOU NERVOUS? NO.
JUST EXCITED.
HAHHH! ARE YOU DISAPPOINTED THAT THE CHILDREN WON'T BE THERE? OH, NO BECAUSE I ASKED DR.
MORRISON TO FILM THE WHOLE THING FROM THE TIME I GET ON THE FIELD TO THE TIME I TAKE MY VICTORY LAP.
SO THEY CAN SEE IT WHENEVER THEY WANT.
OR YOU CAN SEE IT WHENEVER YOU WANT TO.
I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT GOING.
I COULD RUN DOWN TO PHILADELPHIA RIGHT NOW.
THE ONLY THING ABOUT IT IS THE SPEED LIMIT IS 55 AND I MIGHT GET A TICKET.
WE HAVE A LONG DRIVE TOMORROW, HONEY.
WE HAVE TO START EARLY.
I DON'T NEED SLEEP.
MY BODY IS WELL-TUNED.
POW.
YES, I MUST ADMIT YOU ARE LOOKING GOOD.
HOW GOOD? YOU ARE LOOKING REAL GOOD.
WELL, I'M SORRY.
I'M AN ATHLETE.
POW.
ANNOUNCER: OUR FIRST RACE OF THE DAY IS A ONE-MILE RELAY FOR CHARITY.
THE EDWARD P.
HURT ALL-STARS ARE IN THE BLUE JERSEYS.
THE TUPPENNY ALL STARS IN RED.
RUNNING THE FIRST LEG FOR THE EDWARD HURT TEAM IS IRA DAVIS.
JAMES HODGE WILL START FOR THE TUPPENNY TEAM.
( GUNSHOT ) AND THEY'RE OFF! IRA DAVIS IS CHALLENGING JAMES HODGE.
NOW DAVIS TAKING THE LEAD FOR THE EDWARD HURT TEAM.
RUNNING SECOND LEG FOR THE EDWARD HURT TEAM IS D'MARA AMIYAMI.
FOR THE TUPPENNY TEAM, JAMES BURNETT.
( SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT ) D'MARA AMIYAMI IS OPENING UP THE LEAD.
FOR THE THIRD LEG OF THIS RACE, SANFORD B.
'TAILWIND' TURNER WILL TAKE THE BATON FOR THE EDWARD HURT TEAM, AND HE'LL GO AGAINST LARRY JAMES OF THE TUPPENNY TEAM.
ANNOUNCER: THE ANCHOR LEGS OF THE RACE WILL BE RUN BY HEATHCLIFF HUXTABLE AND CHARLIE STEVENSON.
UH-OH.
LARRY JAMES HAS INJURED HIS LEG.
HE'S STRUGGLING TO GET THE BATON TO CHARLIE STEVENSON.
HUXTABLE MOVING OUT TO A BIG LEAD.
WAIT A MINUTE.
THERE SEEMS TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CHARLIE STEVENSON.
WE DON'T HAVE THE NAME OF THE RUNNER TO RUN THE ANCHOR LEG FOR THE TUPPENNY TEAM.
HUXTABLE HAS A SIZEABLE LEAD.
THE ANCHOR FOR THE TUPPENNY TEAM COMING ON STRONG.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SHE'S GONNA CATCH HUXTABLE.
SHE DOES IT.
OH! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE'VE JUST DISCOVERED THE ANCHOR FOR THE TUPPENNY TEAM IS 3-TIME OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST VALERIE BRISCO-HOOKS.
AND VALERIE BRISCO-HOOKS CROSSES THE FINISH LINE AHEAD OF HEATHCLIFF HUXTABLE.
THE TUPPENNY TEAM WINS THE RACE.
YOU.
.
! I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I RAN AGAINST AN OLYMPIC CHAMPION.
I THINK YOU SHOULD BE VERY PROUD OF YOURSELF.
YOU RAN A GOOD RACE.
YES, I DID.
YES, YOU DID.
YES, I DID.
MY FAVORITE PART WAS THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE WHEN YOU REALIZED IT WAS A WOMAN WHO HAD PASSED YOU.
AND THEN THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE WHEN YOU REALIZED THE WOMAN WAS VALERIE BRISCOE-HOOKS.
WELL, THEY HAD TO GET A THREE-TIME OLYMPIC MEDAL WINNER TO BEAT ME.
AND I WANT TO KNOW WHY DID THAT WOMAN-- WHEN SHE PASSED ME-- PAT ME ON MY BOOM-BOOM? BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T RESIST THAT FINE-TUNED BODY.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT WHAT THEY DID TO YOU? ARE YOU KIDDING? TAILWIND SET ME UP SO GOOD.
I LOOKED AT HIM.
I STARTED LAUGHING.
I TELL YOU WHAT-- FOR 30 SECONDS I THOUGHT THE PEOPLE WERE CHEERING FOR ME.
AND THEN THE NEXT 30 SECONDS, I KNEW THEY WERE LAUGHING AT ME.
I FELT PRETTY GOOD ABOUT IT.
( KNOCK ) YES? WHO IS IT? IT'S RUDY.
COME IN.
MEGA-WOMAN WANTED TO SAY GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT, MEGA-WOMAN.
AND HOW IS MEGA-WOMAN ENJOYING HER NEW HOME? SHE LIKES IT, BUT SHE'S LONELY.
WHY? SHE MISSES MEGA-BOY, MEGA-GIRL AND MEGA-MAN.
WELL, WE DON'T WANT MEGA-WOMAN APART FROM HER FAMILY DO WE? NO.
SO I THINK THAT TOMORROW YES? YOU AND I YES? WILL GET UP AND GO DOWN TO THE TOY STORE YES.
AND GIVE HER BACK TO HER FAMILY.
NO!