According To Jim s02e26 Episode Script

Okay, great, we'll see you then.
Okay, that was Jim, he's at the airport with Mom.
They'll be here in 45 minutes.
Whoa! I just got that knot in my stomach.
I've had it since I knew she was coming.
Do you guys have that knot in your stomach? Yeah.
It's even worse now that she's bringing what's-his-name.
Hey, hey, hey.
Her boyfriend's name is Frank.
Ow! Ow! Frank, oh, isn't that perfect? I'm Frank, I'm glad your dad's dead.
I kiss your mom on the lips.
Oh! All right, all right.
Dad's been gone for two years and Mom finally found somebody who made her happy.
We should support her.
Look who's still desperate to be the favorite.
Sorry, peaches, you'll never be the baby.
Please.
I've given her three grandchildren.
It's not even a contest.
Hi, Mommy! Oh! Oh! Okay! Mom, you look great! Thank you, honey.
I thought you were Oh, I love that gag.
All you need is a phone and a sucker.
Frank, let me introduce you to everyone.
This is Cheryl.
Hi.
Cheryl, hi.
And Dana.
Hello, Dana.
Hi.
And there's my baby.
Hugs? Hey.
You have a lovely home, Cheryl.
Thanks for opening it to us.
Oh, it's my pleasure.
So anybody for some peach strawberry iced tea? Oh, yeah.
What, did a gay delivery truck hit a pot hole out front? So, honey, how is the job hunt going? Any nibbles? Oh, yeah, there's plenty of nibbles.
Plenty of nibbles, yeah, yeah.
Oh, good.
Any jobs? Oh, jobs.
Jobs, jobs No.
Just remember, on your next job interview, show off the bosom.
Powerful men like that.
That's how your mom reeled me in.
How about a kiss on the lips? Uncle Frank is getting a boat.
Uncle Frank is gonna teach us how to tie knots.
Hmm.
You're a sailor, huh, Frank? That's right, it was my passion until I met your mother.
Now it's just a hobby.
Oh! My father was a landlubber.
But, by God, we loved him.
Andy's kind of an idiot.
Maggie's already told you, right? Yes.
So, Uncle Frank.
Wow, I just I remember when you had to be related to use that title.
Did you hear that, Frank? No, Maggie, I was otherwise engaged.
Oh, my God, you guys are getting married? I guess we just can't hide our bliss, huh? Welcome to the family.
Here, change your grandson.
Oh, baby! Is that Ruby's diary? You shouldn't read that.
This is how we keep one step ahead of her.
You know, I just don't like that Frank.
Did you see the way he was massaging my mother's shoulders in the kitchen? And the way he keeps calling her "honey"? And then he pulls her chair out at the table.
Yeah, you're right, he's a real psychopath.
Oh, look, she thinks her dad's a hero.
Really? No, I'm writing it in.
Hey, Jim, Jim.
I need you to focus.
You know, they've only known each other two months and they're getting married? I just I think there's something rotten here.
I think you're being paranoid.
Am I? You know, she's giving him the money to buy that boat.
Wait, wait, I didn't hear about this.
What's that about? Yes.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna run a background check on Frank.
All I need is his driver's license.
What do you know about background checks? Dana ran one on you before we got married.
What? I am totally outraged! That is an invasion of privacy.
Oh, look who's got a crush on Harry Potter.
Jim! Now this knot is the yachtsmen's favorite.
It won't jam and it's easy to undo in a pinch.
Cool.
Ooh! Isn't he just a wizard with the knots? Yeah, a real wizard.
Like your boyfriend, Harry Potter.
He's not my boyfriend! Jim.
Listen, Frank, Jim and I were thinking about getting a boat.
Really? You guys can afford a boat? Yes.
And we were wondering, do you need some sort of special license or Oh, sure, I've had my license for years.
Oh Can I see it? I mean, you know, it's It's a kind of a hobby of mine.
I like looking at licenses.
I didn't know that about you, Jim.
Oh, sure, Maggie.
My father was a A laminator.
I'm sorry, I left it in Florida.
Oh.
Well Can I see your driver's license? I mean, I can picture you with a captain's hat on.
It's an old laminator's trick, you know.
It's in my wallet upstairs.
You really need to see it right now? Well, you know No, no, no, no.
Wait.
We've got nothing but time.
Yeah, you know, maybe I should go start lunch.
Jim, Andy, Dana, will you help me? Yeah.
Now, girls, this is a sheepshank.
Cool.
Cool.
My daddy tied his shoes every day, but we didn't sell tickets to it.
Andy! "My father was a laminator"? Lunch at 9:30? You guys can afford a boat? What's going on? We wanna run a background check on Frank.
Oh, like we did with Jim? Dana thought you had crazy eyes.
What? You were the one who said that.
Well, look at him, am I wrong? No.
The guy's I'm mad right now, not crazy! All right, all right.
Guys, we need you to keep Mom and Frank occupied while we go upstairs and go through Frank's wallet.
Right.
All right.
- Listen - What? If something goes wrong and one of us doesn't make it to the other side, I just wanna say Well, damn it, I love you guys.
Oh, get out of here! Oh, jeez.
Oh! Look at this.
Three shoehorns, two feet.
You're right, Cheryl, something doesn't add up.
Jim, would you stop it? Hurry up.
All right.
You know what, you should just relax.
This is our bedroom.
We can always say Oh, my God, your mom's underwear.
Trade places.
It's 10:00, honey.
It's time for your heart medication.
Oh, yes, I should get that.
No! I mean, I'll get it.
Don't be silly, I'll run up and grab it.
No.
wait.
Mom, um I kissed a girl in college! Me too.
Andy, don't tell stories.
Do something.
I'll head up the back stairs and cut her off.
Okay.
Oh, oh, oh, oh! Ah-ha! Ah-ha! What? You got it? Okay.
Yes, "Frank Crowley.
" Remember this number, "B-9-4-8-7-3-6-1-9.
" Wait! How am I supposed to remember that? Jim, it's easy, B-9, like benign.
born in '73.
And 6-1-9 is the area code for San Diego.
Are you wearing a bra? Oh! What's going on here? Well, we were just Uh Hurry, she's coming.
God, you're fast.
I can't believe that you would go through Frank's things like that.
Well, Mom, you're gonna marry the guy, and we just wanted to find out a little bit about him I thought I raised my children better than this.
Oh Well, I have an excuse, I'm the middle child.
And I'm the baby, Cheryl made me do it.
Hugs.
Give it a rest, Andy.
Now, take these pills down to Frank.
Not now.
Mom, I didn't really kiss a girl in college.
Me neither.
Oh, come on, Mom, can you blame us? I mean, you've only known Frank two months and you're buying him a boat? I am not buying it.
I am lending him the money until the apartment building that he sold in Boca Raton closes escrow.
Maggie, I got to tell you, if I were gonna take advantage of a vulnerable widow, that's exactly how I would do it.
What? My mind wanders while I'm driving.
Mom, you know, you do hear all the time about smooth talkers taking advantage of people like you.
Oh, you mean, old and alone? No You know, maybe Frank and I should just leave.
Don't go, Maggie.
Maggie, Maggie, don't do that.
They're just worried about you, that's all.
Come on, they really love you, Maggie.
Mom, we love you.
Don't go.
Well what about Frank? Totally forgotten.
Oh, can't we start over? Do-over.
A do-over! Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Thank you.
Okay, I know, I know, we can do a girls' night out, like an impromptu bridal shower.
Yeah, hey, you can use my registry.
Yeah! Yeah, I already set one up.
What? It comforts me.
Stop looking at me.
And, Jim, Jim, maybe you and Andy can take Frank out.
A bachelor party? Well, I mean, I'm not really, you know, a boobs-and-liquor kind of guy.
But, you know, if you think it would help You know, strip-club choreography has made great strides in recent years.
Do you come here a lot? Ah, once or twice.
Hey, Misty.
Yeah.
How's your son? If he's still having a problem with those fractions, call me.
Maybe three times.
All right, here we go, another round.
Oh, Jim, I said I'd get the next round.
Oh, no, don't be silly, this is your bachelor party.
I wouldn't hear of it.
We'll settle up at the end of the night.
To Frank and Maggie.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Oh! Whoa! I don't usually drink tequila.
But right now I can't imagine why.
You know, Frank, I'm starting to like you.
Hey, Andy, how are you doing? Hey, Venus, how's the new puppy? Oh, Mr.
Patches, he is so cute.
So, who am I shaking my business at? Right there.
I'm buying you a dance, my friend.
No, no, no, I couldn't.
That's not what Maggie says.
Hey-o! Hey, that's my mom.
Hey, come on.
Andy is such an angel.
You know, he bought my daughter braces.
I wish they had soup here.
Why? I don't know.
There's something about naked women and soup.
You know what I'm saying? Not at all.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I was dancing for your friend and he had a heart attack.
I think he's dead.
What? Starlight, you're pre-med, let's go! Cheryl, Cheryl, get up.
Mmm.
Oh, honey I know you saw naked girls tonight but I'm not in the mood.
Cheryl, I need to talk to you.
We took Frank to the Oval Office.
Oh, no.
That place on Grand? Oh, my God, he must have died.
Well, not immediately.
I mean, we, you know, had a few drinks and shot the breeze and I bought him a lap dance, and then, you know Then he died.
Frank's dead? Yeah.
You killed Frank! No, I did not kill Frank.
What are you talking about? You took him to a strip club and you bought him a lap dance.
Honey, it was a bachelor party.
What? You want me to take him to Color Me Mine? We were supposed to do that kind of thing.
Oh, God.
I know.
Oh, God, my poor mom.
I know.
All right, we're gonna have to go wake her up and tell her.
Yeah.
Oh, honey Mom, Frank was a great guy.
Oh! And he loved you so much.
Here's to Captain Frank.
You'll sail no more these mortal seas, but on God's waters, you'll brave the winds as ye stand proudly on the The, uh The pointy part of the ship.
Bow, you idiot.
Oh, sorry.
Mom, no.
Come on, let me do that.
No, no.
I'd like to, I need to keep busy.
Mom.
Mom brings her fiance to get our blessing and what do I do? I go through his pants and my husband kills him.
I'm such a bad hostess.
Can somebody else get that? Come here, Cheryl, I need to talk to you.
What is it? Oh, nothing.
Everything is fine.
Gosh.
Thanks.
Hmm.
"Sorry for your loss.
"From everyone at the Oval Office.
"Love, Misty, Starlight, Venus, Twinkle and Blueberry Muffin.
" Those guys.
Hey, what's going on? Well, after what happened the other day, I decided to go ahead and run that background check on Frank.
You what? Well, when you have an inkling about something, you're usually right.
I hate that about you but I decided to set the record straight.
And? Cheryl, Frank was a con man.
He did time for fraud.
Get out! Oh, no, he's been scamming widows for years.
He was gonna take Maggie for everything.
Oh, my God.
Hey, what about that apartment complex in Boca Raton? I'm starting to wonder if there ever was a Boca Raton.
Where're you going? I got to go tell my mom.
Why? So something like this doesn't happen again.
So instead of just feeling heartbroken, she's got to feel heartbroken and stupid? Jim, she's my mom, I think I know what's best.
Okay.
Oh, no, no, no, no, you're coming.
You killed him.
I didn't kill him! Oh, I'm gonna make a sandwich.
What? Well, it'll just be more natural.
Oh, come on.
Mom? Honey, do you remember where I'd wash dishes and you would stand on a stool next to me and be my dryer and we'd talk? Yeah.
Life goes by so fast.
Do you ever do that with Ruby and Gracie? No, they whine.
Yeah, they're spoiled.
We've done a terrible job with them.
Listen, Mom Psst.
Cheryl.
What? What is this? Meatloaf.
Sweet.
Mom, there's something I need to tell you about Frank.
What about Frank? Well, the thing is Would you excuse me? Jim's never really made a sandwich by himself before.
Just one second.
Jim.
Oh, thank God you're here.
That is not meatloaf.
You gotta start putting labels on these things.
What? I can't do it.
I need you to tell her.
You want me to kill her? What? No! Tell her.
Honey, if you're gonna whisper, you need to enunciate.
Imagine if I had acted immediately.
Oh, come on, sweetheart.
Just Please do it.
Please tell her.
No, no, I told you I didn't wanna do it in the first place.
Honey, I'm begging you.
Cheryl, I said no.
I am begging you.
Please, please, please.
No, I'm not gonna do it.
No.
I'll find you meatloaf.
I hate myself.
So, Maggie, how's the healing process going? Jim, Frank died last night.
So Slowly? You know, every time I'd walk into a room, he would look up at me and he would say, "You know what, "I'm really happy.
" And for the first time, boy, in a long time, I felt so So alive.
Yeah.
Maggie, Frank was a thief.
What? - Yeah - Because he He stole your heart, and that's what thieves do.
They steal.
But this is a good kind of stealing.
Because Frank was a good man, Mom.
And that's how we'll always remember him.
Right? Jim, isn't that what you meant? Uh, apparently.
Thank you, honey.
You too.
Oh, yeah, Maggie.
I'm gonna go upstairs and pack.
Okay.
I'm very proud of you.
You did the right thing.
Oh, thank you.
You know, Cheryl, while I was running that background check on Frank, I also ran one on you.
What? Don't worry, don't worry.
You know, you came up perfectly clean.
Okay.
Mabel.
You told me you didn't have a middle name.
I hate it.
Don't you ever use that again.
All right, your secret's fine with me.
Mabel, Mabel, set the table.
Stop it, stop it, I mean it, I mean it, Jim.
Pour the drinks if you're able.
Stop it! La, la, la, la, la