ALF s02e26 Episode Script
Varsity Drag
Hi, alf.
Hi.
What does e-N-N-U-I spell ? Beats me.
Why do we send you to school ? Beats me.
Can i see the mail ? I'm expecting to hear from the matchbook people On how well i drew "binky.
" Here you go, alf.
"Occupant.
" "Resident.
" Lingerie catalog Kate, you saucy vixen, you ! Uh oh.
They didn't like your "binky" ? Worse !It's from that college lynn wants to go to.
Why is that bad ? It's in massachusetts.
If she goes there, she won't live here.
Hi ! Hi.
No mail today.
What are you holding ? Mail.
I'm a terrible liar.
Let me see.
Wait.
What does e-N-N-U-I, spell ? Ennui ? Ding ding ding - Correct.
No need to go to college.
Give that to me.
It's here ! Cross your fingers ! No problem.
All right ! This is fantastic ! I can't believe it ! I've got to call laurie.
Maybe she didn't get in.
** [ Sigh .]
What was that for ? Oh, nothing.
[ Sigh .]
Is there something wrong ? What could be wrong ? You're moving out.
You won't be living here.
You'll never call or write.
Going to amherst doesn't mean you'll never see me again.
What's the matter ? Aren't you happy here ? It's kate, isn't it ? No.
I'm not unhappy here.
It's time for me to be on my own.
[ Knock at door .]
[ Lynn .]
come in.
Is something wrong ? You look upset.
Alf, there's something we want to discuss with lynn.
Fine !I'll "hie" me to "yon" refrigerator, And forage for meat loaf.
Later, dude; dudettes.
We have some bad news.
I've checked this a dozen different ways.
I there's no easy way to say this.
We can't afford to send you away to school next year.
When i applied, you said this wasn't going to be a problem.
We've had some complications, since then.
You mean alf.
Yeah, i mean alf.
We counted on my having a full time job this past year.
With alf here, it wasn't possible.
We've had so many extra expenses.
There's food, And breakage, And food You can still get a very good education at a state university.
But, you will have to live at home.
I should have seen this coming.
If it's any consolation, We've had a rare opportunity Living with an alien.
You couldn't get that at amherst.
I'll never find out, will i ? I'm sorry if you're unhappy.
In life, we can't always get what we want.
Oh yeah ? Where did you go to college ? Amherst.
My parents didn't have an alien.
Give me an "l" ! Give me a "y" give me an "n,n,n" Now lose the extra "n".
What have you got ? Was it something i spelled ? Have a cookie.
No, thank you.
Oh, boy ! More for me.
And me ! You know how to eat these ? Twist off the top, And lick off all the gooey stuff inside.
Really ?That's how i eat a jar of mayonnaise.
You're right.
I couldn't get this at amherst.
[ Burp .]
I know you're disappointed, But there are a lot of fine schools here.
It's not the same thing.
I wanted to live in a dorm and be on my own.
We've explained this.
We can't afford to send you away to school.
Fine.
I'm going to my room, Where i'll be sleeping, the next 4 years.
This is terrible.
Why ?You'll have her around for the next 4 years.
We'd have been happier if she could have gone to amherst.
Then you wanted to get rid of her.
Was it because she drinks milk out of the carton ? Of course not.
Phew !Thank goodness ! We didn't want to get rid of her.
It's hard when your child wants something, And you can't give it to her.
I've got a solution to your problem.
Please, clue us in.
Brian, bring me the family budget.
Or as i like to call it, "gone with the wind.
" Ha !Ha !Ha ! What are you doing with our budget ? I'm trying to bring fiscal sanity to this household.
Thank you, trusty sidekick.
You're welcome, lord vader.
Look at this.
A payment for new brake shoes.
Isn't that a trifle foppish ? Of course ! I'd get home faster, if i couldn't stop the car.
These grocery bills ! Well, we can't touch those.
Although, filet of cat is cheaper than roast of beef.
Here we are.
This is what i was looking for.
Miscellaneous -- Ten thousand dollars.
Just stop buying so many miscellaneouses.
What are they ? Greek pastries ? We weren't going to tell you this, But those expenses are what it costs to support you.
No ! I would have guessed higher.
On melmac you could support a family of 4 with that.
On earth, we used to support a family of 4 with that.
What you're saying is I'm the real reason lynn can't go away to school.
I feel like slime.
I feel like slime guts.
I feel like slime gut droppings.
I feel like slime gut droppings on an open fire.
How do you feel ? Nauseous.
[ Alf .]
kate ?Willie ? Where's the fire extinguisher ? A new record ! There's no fire.
I just wanted Your immediate attention.
You got it.
What do you want ? Since it's my fault that lynn can't go away to college, I'm going to do something about it.
Willie, i'm getting you a night job.
What ? You spend your evenings just hanging around the house.
I like to call that "living my life.
" Call it what you will, It's a thing of the past.
I've got something here for you.
It's called, "men's room attendant.
" Do i look like a men's room attendant ? No, you look like a scrubbing bubble.
Your interview is at 9.
I'm not going ! We'll have to build up his confidence.
I'm not going.
Kate, i notice you're not gainfully employed.
I have several suggestions.
Suggestion 1 - Telemarketing - For interview call 555-Jugs.
Pass.
Suggestion 2 - Be a model in your spare time.
For interview call 555-Jugs.
Where did you get this newspaper ? I called 555-Jugs.
Suggestion 3 - Kate and i have all the careers we can handle.
I guess i've got no other choice.
I'll have to get a job.
You ? Hey, here's something ! Exotic dancer.
I could do that ! Alf, you can't get a job.
Remember trying to earn money, doing phone surveys ? Yeah.
How much money did you make ? None.
How many policemen came to the house ? Eleven.
Enough said.
Good night, alf.
'Night, alf.
Good night.
Hey, here's the job for me ! What a majestic title ! It sounds like a super-Hero.
Paper-Boy ! [ Clears throat .]
[ Clears throat repeatedly .]
Now that you're up Could i see you two in the living room ? Alf, we're tired.
We want to go to sleep.
Fine, but i don't know how you can sleep, Considering what's in the living room.
What are these ? Newspapers.
Get with it ! Why are they here ? Perhaps i should explain.
Please do ! No, let me guess.
You're a newspaper boy.
We prefer the term, "paper person.
" It's gender-Neutral.
Do you actually believe, that you can afford college with a paper route ? No.
That's why i got 10 paper routes.
be 500 papers here.
Actually, 501.
They gave me an extra copy by mistake.
[ Chuckle, chuckle .]
You can't deliver newspapers.
Sure i can !You haven't seen my throwing arm.
Willie, i can't throw you and the newspaper.
[ Alf .]
i think this is the one.
No no no ! Yeah, yeah, no, no.
Might be this one.
No no ! Yeah, yeah it is.
Throw ! Now ! [ Crash .]
Oops ! Oops ? Would you be so kind as to define Oops ? Wrong house.
Again.
Do i look like the amazing kreskin ? It's dark out there ! Want me to drive for a while ? Okay, willie make a left here.
Oh, no ! Right ! Right.
Oh, no, no.
Go straight.
Okay, now right.
Why aren't you turning ? There's no intersection ! Good answer.
[ Kate .]
we haven't delivered a paper in 15 minutes.
Alf, are you sure you know where we're going ? Alf ? [ Snoring .]
Last one.
It's about time ! Kate ? Raquel.
You're up early.
Are you our new paperboy ? Paper person -- It's gender-Neutral.
You should have told us you were destitute.
We're just earning extra money to send lynn to school.
Well, if you and the family ever have to sleep in your car, Please feel free to park on our lawn.
Right next to trevor's cousin.
Someone lives in that volkswagen ? No, the jeep.
Well, brrr.
Raquel saw me deliver her paper.
She thinks we're destitute.
Destitute ? I've got a job, a paper route, And an interview at 9 a.
M.
Look alive !The evening edition will soon be here.
No more editions or paper route.
This madness must stop.
What's 4 years of sleep Compared to our daughter's happiness.
She's not our daughter.
I mean she's not our daughter.
Who's not your daughter ? You.
Since when ? Of course you're our daughter.
Biologically, you're their daughter, But i will be giving you away at your wedding.
I may not have a wedding.
And it will probably be in my bedroom.
That's it, lynn ! Yeah, you're grounded ! [ Knock at door .]
Under the table, alf.
Raquel ? Hi, kate.
Raquel, we don't need this food.
Well, you can't live on pride.
Bon appetit.
Who is she ? Julia child ? What was that all about ? Raquel thinks we're destitute.
Why ? She saw me deliver her newspaper.
What ? Alf got a paper route.
Correction he got 10 paper routes.
He wanted to raise money to send you to college.
Yeah.
Kate and willie were my assistants.
Not my cheerful assistants, mind you.
You stayed up all night delivering papers ? Well, two-Thirds of us did.
See what i mean about the cheerful part ? You did that for me ? Yeah and the 10-Speed.
Which i won't be winning.
I've been acting like such a brat.
I'm sorry.
You're still grounded.
I could go to college around here.
You could ? Yeah.
A lot of my friends are going to state schools.
It can't be that bad.
That a girl.
Eat your words.
Maybe in a year or two, i can transfer.
Sure.
Who knows ? Meanwhile, we'll live like kings On the ochmonek's chickpeas and cocktail onions.
Alf, you can eat it all.
Okay, but there's tripe in there.
I'm so glad you understand.
Moosh alert.
Alf, come on ! Sometimes, moosh is nice.
All right.
Willie, i love you more than chickpeas and tripe.
The feeling is mutual.
Here's where you can save money.
That's fire insurance.
$3,000 a year ? It was only $300 a year, before you moved in.
Talk about inflation ! Look at this -- Dental visits twice a year.
Know what that costs ? Forgive us, we're fond of our teeth.
Trust me.
You can get by on four.
Pet supplies ? I've got a solution for that.
Just a thought.
Closed-Captioned by by alien productions.
All rights reserved.
Hi.
What does e-N-N-U-I spell ? Beats me.
Why do we send you to school ? Beats me.
Can i see the mail ? I'm expecting to hear from the matchbook people On how well i drew "binky.
" Here you go, alf.
"Occupant.
" "Resident.
" Lingerie catalog Kate, you saucy vixen, you ! Uh oh.
They didn't like your "binky" ? Worse !It's from that college lynn wants to go to.
Why is that bad ? It's in massachusetts.
If she goes there, she won't live here.
Hi ! Hi.
No mail today.
What are you holding ? Mail.
I'm a terrible liar.
Let me see.
Wait.
What does e-N-N-U-I, spell ? Ennui ? Ding ding ding - Correct.
No need to go to college.
Give that to me.
It's here ! Cross your fingers ! No problem.
All right ! This is fantastic ! I can't believe it ! I've got to call laurie.
Maybe she didn't get in.
** [ Sigh .]
What was that for ? Oh, nothing.
[ Sigh .]
Is there something wrong ? What could be wrong ? You're moving out.
You won't be living here.
You'll never call or write.
Going to amherst doesn't mean you'll never see me again.
What's the matter ? Aren't you happy here ? It's kate, isn't it ? No.
I'm not unhappy here.
It's time for me to be on my own.
[ Knock at door .]
[ Lynn .]
come in.
Is something wrong ? You look upset.
Alf, there's something we want to discuss with lynn.
Fine !I'll "hie" me to "yon" refrigerator, And forage for meat loaf.
Later, dude; dudettes.
We have some bad news.
I've checked this a dozen different ways.
I there's no easy way to say this.
We can't afford to send you away to school next year.
When i applied, you said this wasn't going to be a problem.
We've had some complications, since then.
You mean alf.
Yeah, i mean alf.
We counted on my having a full time job this past year.
With alf here, it wasn't possible.
We've had so many extra expenses.
There's food, And breakage, And food You can still get a very good education at a state university.
But, you will have to live at home.
I should have seen this coming.
If it's any consolation, We've had a rare opportunity Living with an alien.
You couldn't get that at amherst.
I'll never find out, will i ? I'm sorry if you're unhappy.
In life, we can't always get what we want.
Oh yeah ? Where did you go to college ? Amherst.
My parents didn't have an alien.
Give me an "l" ! Give me a "y" give me an "n,n,n" Now lose the extra "n".
What have you got ? Was it something i spelled ? Have a cookie.
No, thank you.
Oh, boy ! More for me.
And me ! You know how to eat these ? Twist off the top, And lick off all the gooey stuff inside.
Really ?That's how i eat a jar of mayonnaise.
You're right.
I couldn't get this at amherst.
[ Burp .]
I know you're disappointed, But there are a lot of fine schools here.
It's not the same thing.
I wanted to live in a dorm and be on my own.
We've explained this.
We can't afford to send you away to school.
Fine.
I'm going to my room, Where i'll be sleeping, the next 4 years.
This is terrible.
Why ?You'll have her around for the next 4 years.
We'd have been happier if she could have gone to amherst.
Then you wanted to get rid of her.
Was it because she drinks milk out of the carton ? Of course not.
Phew !Thank goodness ! We didn't want to get rid of her.
It's hard when your child wants something, And you can't give it to her.
I've got a solution to your problem.
Please, clue us in.
Brian, bring me the family budget.
Or as i like to call it, "gone with the wind.
" Ha !Ha !Ha ! What are you doing with our budget ? I'm trying to bring fiscal sanity to this household.
Thank you, trusty sidekick.
You're welcome, lord vader.
Look at this.
A payment for new brake shoes.
Isn't that a trifle foppish ? Of course ! I'd get home faster, if i couldn't stop the car.
These grocery bills ! Well, we can't touch those.
Although, filet of cat is cheaper than roast of beef.
Here we are.
This is what i was looking for.
Miscellaneous -- Ten thousand dollars.
Just stop buying so many miscellaneouses.
What are they ? Greek pastries ? We weren't going to tell you this, But those expenses are what it costs to support you.
No ! I would have guessed higher.
On melmac you could support a family of 4 with that.
On earth, we used to support a family of 4 with that.
What you're saying is I'm the real reason lynn can't go away to school.
I feel like slime.
I feel like slime guts.
I feel like slime gut droppings.
I feel like slime gut droppings on an open fire.
How do you feel ? Nauseous.
[ Alf .]
kate ?Willie ? Where's the fire extinguisher ? A new record ! There's no fire.
I just wanted Your immediate attention.
You got it.
What do you want ? Since it's my fault that lynn can't go away to college, I'm going to do something about it.
Willie, i'm getting you a night job.
What ? You spend your evenings just hanging around the house.
I like to call that "living my life.
" Call it what you will, It's a thing of the past.
I've got something here for you.
It's called, "men's room attendant.
" Do i look like a men's room attendant ? No, you look like a scrubbing bubble.
Your interview is at 9.
I'm not going ! We'll have to build up his confidence.
I'm not going.
Kate, i notice you're not gainfully employed.
I have several suggestions.
Suggestion 1 - Telemarketing - For interview call 555-Jugs.
Pass.
Suggestion 2 - Be a model in your spare time.
For interview call 555-Jugs.
Where did you get this newspaper ? I called 555-Jugs.
Suggestion 3 - Kate and i have all the careers we can handle.
I guess i've got no other choice.
I'll have to get a job.
You ? Hey, here's something ! Exotic dancer.
I could do that ! Alf, you can't get a job.
Remember trying to earn money, doing phone surveys ? Yeah.
How much money did you make ? None.
How many policemen came to the house ? Eleven.
Enough said.
Good night, alf.
'Night, alf.
Good night.
Hey, here's the job for me ! What a majestic title ! It sounds like a super-Hero.
Paper-Boy ! [ Clears throat .]
[ Clears throat repeatedly .]
Now that you're up Could i see you two in the living room ? Alf, we're tired.
We want to go to sleep.
Fine, but i don't know how you can sleep, Considering what's in the living room.
What are these ? Newspapers.
Get with it ! Why are they here ? Perhaps i should explain.
Please do ! No, let me guess.
You're a newspaper boy.
We prefer the term, "paper person.
" It's gender-Neutral.
Do you actually believe, that you can afford college with a paper route ? No.
That's why i got 10 paper routes.
be 500 papers here.
Actually, 501.
They gave me an extra copy by mistake.
[ Chuckle, chuckle .]
You can't deliver newspapers.
Sure i can !You haven't seen my throwing arm.
Willie, i can't throw you and the newspaper.
[ Alf .]
i think this is the one.
No no no ! Yeah, yeah, no, no.
Might be this one.
No no ! Yeah, yeah it is.
Throw ! Now ! [ Crash .]
Oops ! Oops ? Would you be so kind as to define Oops ? Wrong house.
Again.
Do i look like the amazing kreskin ? It's dark out there ! Want me to drive for a while ? Okay, willie make a left here.
Oh, no ! Right ! Right.
Oh, no, no.
Go straight.
Okay, now right.
Why aren't you turning ? There's no intersection ! Good answer.
[ Kate .]
we haven't delivered a paper in 15 minutes.
Alf, are you sure you know where we're going ? Alf ? [ Snoring .]
Last one.
It's about time ! Kate ? Raquel.
You're up early.
Are you our new paperboy ? Paper person -- It's gender-Neutral.
You should have told us you were destitute.
We're just earning extra money to send lynn to school.
Well, if you and the family ever have to sleep in your car, Please feel free to park on our lawn.
Right next to trevor's cousin.
Someone lives in that volkswagen ? No, the jeep.
Well, brrr.
Raquel saw me deliver her paper.
She thinks we're destitute.
Destitute ? I've got a job, a paper route, And an interview at 9 a.
M.
Look alive !The evening edition will soon be here.
No more editions or paper route.
This madness must stop.
What's 4 years of sleep Compared to our daughter's happiness.
She's not our daughter.
I mean she's not our daughter.
Who's not your daughter ? You.
Since when ? Of course you're our daughter.
Biologically, you're their daughter, But i will be giving you away at your wedding.
I may not have a wedding.
And it will probably be in my bedroom.
That's it, lynn ! Yeah, you're grounded ! [ Knock at door .]
Under the table, alf.
Raquel ? Hi, kate.
Raquel, we don't need this food.
Well, you can't live on pride.
Bon appetit.
Who is she ? Julia child ? What was that all about ? Raquel thinks we're destitute.
Why ? She saw me deliver her newspaper.
What ? Alf got a paper route.
Correction he got 10 paper routes.
He wanted to raise money to send you to college.
Yeah.
Kate and willie were my assistants.
Not my cheerful assistants, mind you.
You stayed up all night delivering papers ? Well, two-Thirds of us did.
See what i mean about the cheerful part ? You did that for me ? Yeah and the 10-Speed.
Which i won't be winning.
I've been acting like such a brat.
I'm sorry.
You're still grounded.
I could go to college around here.
You could ? Yeah.
A lot of my friends are going to state schools.
It can't be that bad.
That a girl.
Eat your words.
Maybe in a year or two, i can transfer.
Sure.
Who knows ? Meanwhile, we'll live like kings On the ochmonek's chickpeas and cocktail onions.
Alf, you can eat it all.
Okay, but there's tripe in there.
I'm so glad you understand.
Moosh alert.
Alf, come on ! Sometimes, moosh is nice.
All right.
Willie, i love you more than chickpeas and tripe.
The feeling is mutual.
Here's where you can save money.
That's fire insurance.
$3,000 a year ? It was only $300 a year, before you moved in.
Talk about inflation ! Look at this -- Dental visits twice a year.
Know what that costs ? Forgive us, we're fond of our teeth.
Trust me.
You can get by on four.
Pet supplies ? I've got a solution for that.
Just a thought.
Closed-Captioned by by alien productions.
All rights reserved.