Anger Management s02e26 Episode Script

We still have a few minutes left.
Lacey, didn't you have some kind of a big test at work? Yeah, and I totally aced it.
I'm officially allowed to sell drugs.
Welcome aboard.
Tomorrow's my first day representing Galaxy-payson pharmaceuticals.
They also make peanut butter and nuclear submarines, But I'm not licensed to sell those.
Well, they do have to worry about national security.
You don't want peanut butter to fall into the wrong hands.
So, you aced your test with ease, huh? Which one did you cheat off of? Chinese? Japanese? Vietnamese? ( laughs ) Excuse me, I did not cheat.
I just double-checked my answers with somebody else's Before writing them down.
So you didn't cheat? But it does sound like you-- What's the right word? --Cheated.
Okay, but there's only one test that I really need to pass.
How much of this crap can I sell? And I think I'm gonna do okay Because in case you haven't noticed, I'm superhot.
You still have to know your products.
I do.
Give me the chemical name, class and major side effects Of even one of the drugs you're selling.
Anti Dexta Metho Ooh, I dropped something.
So how many boxes of proloft do you want? ( alarm beeping ) - This is it! - ( alarm stops ) Sorry, charlie.
I just finished hooking things up And I was testing the alarm system.
No problem.
This is monica, my it person.
Ed, what did you think that was? I don't know.
I thought it was just a fire.
Or a race war.
No, no, ed.
My race war alarm sounds totally different.
So you hooked up my alarm to my cell phone? And I did some other stuff, too.
Now you can run your whole house from wherever you are.
Your tv, your lights, your thermostat.
You can turn on your oven from your car.
- How cool is that? - That is very cool.
I can't tell you how many times I'm stuck in traffic Thinking, "oh, no, I left my oven off.
" ( laughs ) ooh, I should hook up your blender.
That way you can make margaritas from the bedroom.
All right, with these sessions here at my house, I guess it was inevitable that my personal life Would intrude occasionally.
So I'm wide open to discussing it.
Can you have sex with her from the bedroom When she's in the kitchen? Okay, everybody get out.
Monica, I really appreciate everything you're doing, But I don't think I need all this stuff.
Charlie, you are going to love it.
Here, press this button on your phone.
This one? What happens now? This.
That is a good button.
( laughs ) Hey, have you decided If you're gonna come with me to comic-con this weekend? I really don't think so.
I don't do well with that crowd.
Mostly 'cause they're all wearing darth vader helmets.
Come on, charlie.
It's gonna be fun.
And I'm finally going to get to wear a sexy costume.
My stupid, jealous ex-boyfriend never let me.
I don't know.
Nerds hate me.
There's something about me that brings out their rage.
It's been like this my whole life.
In high school, when I was a ballplayer, at my wedding.
Something always happens, I lose it, And I wind up in a bathroom with some brainiac wearing a toilet for a hat.
At my wedding! ( theme music playing ) Thanks for the ride, nolan, but you don't have to wait up here.
You can wait in the car.
If you make your first sale and you're looking for somebody to hug and kiss, I'm your guy.
If it doesn't work out and you want to slap somebody around, That's okay, too.
Well, it's gonna go great.
I stayed up all night memorizing everything.
So if you're just gonna sit here, you might as well quiz me.
Okay.
What's the capital of texas? - About proloft.
- Oh.
Okay, what are proloft's major side effects? Thank you for asking.
Proloft may cause cognitive impairment, Behavioral disinhibition, lack of coordination, And hypotension.
Do not mix with alcohol.
By the way, when they say, "do not mix with alcohol," It means this will be awesome mixed with alcohol, But I'm not gonna say that part.
Are you the galaxy-payson rep? Yes, thank you for asking.
I'm sorry, but dr.
Connor has been called into surgery And he won't be available till the end of the day.
End of the day? Can't I just pitch to him during surgery? I won't touch anything.
I'm sorry.
In six hours, I don't even know if this stuff is still gonna be in my head.
- I'm freaking out.
- You should try some proloft.
Why, what does it do? It's an antianxiety drug that-- I know what it does.
I'm just freaking out.
You're only supposed to take one pill as needed.
How you feeling? I'm still freaking out.
Take some more.
Hey, the system you set up works.
I just turned on my dryer from my bed.
I'm so glad you changed your mind about going to comic-con.
You ready to see what I'm going to wear? If it's yoda in a bra and panties, I cannot be responsible for my actions.
( sputters ) wow! What are you, like some kind of a space stripper? Yeah, I'm saving up to go to space nursing school.
No, I'm gina x from "stargazers.
" She's an intergalactic spy.
Let me get this straight.
You're an alien being from a galaxy far, far away And your name is gina? ( phone chimes ) Oh, god.
Not again.
What is it? My ex-boyfriend keeps texting me.
He heard I was going to comic-con with another guy And he's totally losing it.
You can't blame him.
He just lost gina x, The intergalactic stripper nurse.
Maybe we shouldn't go.
Oh, come on.
You look great.
I went cape shopping yesterday.
I bought a really great cape.
But he's going to be there And if we bump into him, it's gonna get ugly.
Oh, come on.
Going to this convention means a lot to you.
You can't just let some bully push you around.
What would gina x do? She would exhaust him sexually And then bury him alive.
Okay, besides that.
I think she'd do what she wants to do.
- All right, we'll go.
- ( phone chimes ) Unbelievable.
He just won't stop.
Kent mosler, huh? You know, I am a therapist.
I could talk to this guy.
Please don't.
He's unpredictable And you'll just make it worse.
Promise me you won't do anything.
- Fine, I promise.
- ( phone chimes ) I just got another e-mail from my dryer.
It's my neediest appliance.
( laughs ) I'll be right back.
Gina x's thong is giving her a space wedgie.
There you are, kent mosler.
Hello, this message is for kent mosler.
My name is charles goodson and I think you and I should get together and talk.
Monica: Are you talking to somebody? It's crazy.
My microwave just called me.
Hey, brett.
Hey, charlie.
You're in here pretty early.
It's been a while since you threw on a day drunk.
I've never thrown on a day drunk, brett.
Well, then you're due.
And you know what? It's kind of nice.
You're asleep by 7:00, up with the birds, Four hours crawling around in the shower, Then you're ready just to start it back up all over again.
Yeah, as appealing as all that sounds, I'm here to have a talk With a jealous ex-boyfriend of a girl I'm seeing.
Man, you want a weapon? I've got a bat, a knife, another bat.
I've got a bat with knives in it.
Jeez, brett, what do you think is gonna happen? I don't know.
Race war? Is there something going on that I don't know about? Charlie goodson? You must be kent.
Thanks for coming by.
I'm hoping you and I can have a friendly dialogue.
Oh, did you? Yeah? I don't think that's gonna happen, jockstrap.
Listen, kent, I know that you're angry about me and monica, but-- Oh, no, I'm angry about a lot of things-- "star wars" prequels, ending of "lost," My mom getting remarried to that guy Jack.
But primarily I would like my girlfriend back From the evil dr.
Slick.
Look, kent Jeez, I'm a giant.
I know it's hard losing someone and it happens to all of us, But the best way to cope with rejection is to move on.
Ah, well said, dr.
Slick.
But you need to harken, my friend.
You have one day to break up with monica Or else.
Or else what? You have no idea what I'm capable of.
I will destroy you.
Okay, now you know that lightsabers aren't real, right? They have a prototype.
Until they develop the prototype? No! Our thing.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go have dinner with my mom and Jack.
- ( knocking ) - come in.
Hello.
Oh, I am so sorry to have kept you waiting.
No, no, no, that's totally understandable.
( giggles ) Are you okay? Yes.
I'm here to talk to you about proloft.
Mmm, proloft.
If you've got anxiety, not anymore you don't, 'cause this stuff really works.
Are you sure you want to do this now? Thank you for asking.
Proloft causes cognitive impairment, Behavioral disinhibition and lack of coordination.
Nailed it.
Miss, you look considerably impaired.
No, I just dropped something.
You want to buy some? Uh, I'm getting the nurse.
Look at my boobs! Look at them! I look like a dick.
I am hrothgar And I look like a dick.
- ( knocking ) - sam, would you get the door? I can't.
I'm getting ready to go to caitlin's.
Is that for comic-con? No, I'm gonna hit the gym.
Wasn't sure if I wanted to go away for college.
Now I am.
( knocking ) Patrick.
What are you doing here? I got your e-mail.
Why would you say such a horrible thing to me? Oh, I'm sorry.
You've obviously gone insane.
It's for comic-con.
What e-mail are you talking about? The one you sent telling me that I was beyond help And needed a psychic.
Patrick, I would never say something like that to you.
My god, somebody must have hacked my e-mail.
That's exactly what the e-mail said you would say.
- I didn't say that either.
- It said you would say that, too.
( machines humming ) What the hell is that? You're seeing this, right? Patrick: Yeah.
( turns off ) Oh, my god.
All the appliances turned on by themselves.
It's like "beauty and the beast" in here.
Oh, man.
What's going on with your house, charlie? Monica hooked everything up to the internet So I could control it wirelessly.
How's that working out? So far, I don't like it.
Whoa.
Wow, look at you.
Just call me hrothgar.
What's going on? You tell me.
You're the one who hooked all this up.
Tell me you didn't talk to kent.
( stammers ) kent? Of course not.
What makes you say that? - ( music playing ) - kent: Charles goodson.
I told you I would destroy you, and I will.
You know, we might have bumped into each other somewhere.
Where are you? I have taken over your tv.
You haven't really taken it over.
You're in the right-hand corner.
Really? Give me a moment.
( typing ) Now I have taken over your tv.
Prepare to suffer the full wrath of-- No, no, you're still just in the corner.
I'm on your tv.
I feel like that's good enough.
What do you want, kent? I want you back.
And I'm going to disrupt this neanderthal's house until I get you.
- Is there anything you can do? - I don't think so.
He's a computer genius.
He was a hacker for the cia.
- Well, you didn't mention that.
- I said be careful.
No, no, you have to put it all in one sentence.
Like, "be careful, he's a hacker for the cia.
" Behold, I am your whole screen.
There's nothing you can do.
I will torment you forever.
- I got all the time in the world.
- Shut up, punk.
I've got a circuit breaker and I know how to use it.
I win.
Oh! I've also got stairs.
And a head lump.
Hey.
What's going on? I had to turn off my power.
Want some rancid pork chops? Depends.
How rancid? Could probably wash 'em down with some of this milk.
Why did you turn off your power? It's a long story.
I met this girl And we're going to comic-con this weekend, so-- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're going to comic-con? It's like the million man March but with nerds.
Anyway, this girl's ex-boyfriend hacked my entire house, Took over my television, and changed my outgoing message.
- To what? - Now it says, "hi, thanks for calling.
Wait for the beep, then shove the phone up your ass.
" Well, if you're going to comic-con, We might as well drive down together.
Hold on.
You go to this thing? No, I don't go.
The mutant king of planet nuru does.
And believe me, it's a weekend with major tail.
I'm guessing major tail is your sidekick.
I'm afraid so.
Charlie, chill.
You can't let this guy get to you.
I know, but I just want to-- I want to pull his spiderman underoos over his head And stuff him through a basketball hoop.
Just forget about it.
Let's just go see a movie.
How do you get to your browser? There's usually a thing on the desktop.
There's nothing on your desktop.
You've got to be kidding me.
Everything's gone.
My patient records, my billing, my novel.
- Oh, you wrote a novel? - Just a title.
I'm still noodling.
It was him.
That dirty bastard.
Charlie, think healthy thoughts.
Screw healthy.
Let's go slam-dunk a nerd.
Hello, kent.
Hey, get your hands off me.
This man's a false hrothgar.
Help, guys.
Back me up.
You're not getting away.
You screwed up my life And I can't remember the title of my novel.
- Dipwad.
- Whoa, whoa.
Be very cool.
Back off, nerds.
Didn't you hear what I said? Back off.
( laughs ) big deal.
A rubber sword.
- ( chuckles ) - ( clangs ) Run away.
Run away.
You're dead, blue Turd.
Unless you give me back everything on my computer.
Then you'll be a little less dead.
Just hit me already.
Okay, I know you want to.
You people solve all your problems with violence.
Because you people drive us to it.
Living in the shadows, hiding behind a wall of awesome technology? I don't get to be the cool athlete Okay, I'm the nerd that stands in the rain Holding a boom box and realizes the girl's on a date with another guy.
I can't go toe-to-toe with a jock like you.
I'd do anything to be like you.
Fine, I get it.
Nobody's got it easy.
Life's tough.
So just give me back all my stuff and we'll call it even.
Nah.
You almost had me, nerd.
- ( whimpers ) - charlie! Charlie! Don't do it until I block the door.
( toilet flushes ) So, lacey, how you feeling? Nolan tells us you had an interesting sales call yesterday.
Yeah, slurring all your words, Stumbling all over the place, And knocking over a tray of urine samples.
That last one was me.
For your information, it went great.
When the doctor found out how many proloft I took without dying, He was so impressed by the safety of the product, he asked for a case.
Or he waited for you to pass out, Copped a feel, and felt all guilty about it.
Whatevs.
The guy's a doctor.
Okay, speaking of crazy Charlie, I hope you don't mind, But I told everyone how the it girl's ex-boyfriend was messing with your house.
Oh, right, right.
I took care of all that.
By the way, if anyone got any unusual e-mail from me, It was from him.
He hacked my account.
I didn't really think you wanted to raise your rates by $20 a session.
Actually, that e-mail was from me.
No problem.
I just deleted it.
Straight to trash.
I got the same message from your hacker.
But don't worry, I'm blocking everything that comes from you.
But then how will you get my bills? Oh, not a problem at all.
( laughs ) you're welcome.
So, give us the deets.
How did you finally get rid of the ex? Well, I went down to san diego and we had a frank and honest talk.
So you're still with the hot computer girl? - No, she dumped me.
- Why? Because I beat up her ex-boyfriend after the frank and honest talk.
She felt sorry for him and now they're back together.
So, wait, the super hot chick got back with the nerd Because he got hurt fighting for her? Not gonna happen.
What the hell, lady? But I think we can all learn something from this.
I didn't control my anger And I lost something very dear to me.
I thought you weren't that into her.
No, no, but we had a lot of fun together.
You said she was too geeky for you.
Well, a little, but she was very attractive.
So you're saying you got mad and lost a piece of ass? Essentially.