Hogan's Heroes (1965) s02e26 Episode Script

ANNOUNCER: CBS presents this program in color.
( theme song playing ) At 8:40, the train leaves the supply depot.
At 9:10, it passes Kessler Station, and at 9:55, it starts over the bridge.
And at 9:55 and ten seconds, boom-- no bridge, no train and no supplies.
What a magnificent disaster we are about to create.
Yeah, but just don't hang around to admire your handiwork.
That area is pretty heavily patrolled.
( speaking French ) That means, "Tonight, we strike another blow for liberty in France.
" Viva la France.
La plume est sur la table.
That means, "The pen is on the table.
" Viva la table.
KINCH: Colonel Hogan.
I just got an urgent message from London.
We got to pick up an underground agent tomorrow night and smuggle him into camp.
Smuggle him into camp? Why? He's got some information on those new sub pens.
Control wants it fast, and we're his nearest radio contact.
The information must be pretty important.
Sounds like it.
They don't want anything to go wrong on this end, so we're on condition red till further notice.
Condition red? What about our job tonight? We'll just have to scrap it and wait for the next supply train.
( speaking French ) La plume est sur la table.
Herr Commandant! Schultz, what did I tell you this morning about having any interruptions today? You told me, Herr Commandant, that you have lots of work to do and you do not want any interruptions and no one is to bother you.
Schultz! No one is going to disturb you today.
Someone is already disturbing me.
Who? No one is here but the two of us.
I know, Schultz, but one of us should be out there where he was told to be.
Oh, you mean I am the disturbance.
Oh, excuse me.
Schultz what is it? What's so important? There's someone to see you outside.
I told you I don't want to see anybody today! And when I say "anybody," that includes everybody! Nobody sees me! Nobody calls me! Nobody talks to me! Nobody! I don't care who it is! It's General Burkhalter.
Have him come right in, Schultz.
He is here with Colonel Stieffer from the SS.
Are you in trouble? Trouble? Why should I be in trouble? I've always been a good soldier and a loyal German, and I can truthfully say that whatever I've done wrong is all a pack of lies.
I can truthfully say that, too.
Someone has started a vicious rumor about me.
Who would do a thing like that to you? I don't know, but somewhere in this prisoner-of-war camp, I may have enemies.
Klink! Ah, General Burkhalter, it is good to see you again.
You know, this is really a marvelous surprise.
We haven't had a friendly chat for some time.
We haven't had a friendly chat at any time.
I'm here on a serious matter, so I will be quick.
A serious matter? According to our records, you have done a remarkable job here at Stalag 13.
You're an exceptional commandant, and you're an officer of superior ability.
Lies! All lies.
Quiet, Schultz! General Burkhalter, this is very flattering, but honestly, I don't think I deserve all this high praise.
I don't think so either.
However, you're getting a chance to live up to your reputation.
This is Colonel Stieffer of the SS.
He has a special assignment for you.
A pleasure, Colonel, a real pleasure.
Whatever I can do for the SS will be a real privilege.
And I am deeply moved by being chosen for this task.
I hope that this handshake will mark the beginning of a long and lasting friendship.
The SS has no friends.
Yes, sir, I think you've got a good idea on that.
After all, when you add up what you spend on dinner parties, luncheons, gifts-- I mean, who needs the expense of friendship when a little hatred doesn't cost you a cent? Shall we let Colonel Stieffer talk for a change? Yes, sir.
Schultz, not another word out of you until the colonel is finished.
Proceed, Colonel.
We have a very special prisoner we're turning over to you, and we expect you to make sure he doesn't escape.
Sir, I can assure you no one has ever escaped from Stalag 13.
So far, he's escaped from nine of your camps since his capture.
( chuckling ): Well he won't be leaving here so easily.
If he does, you will be leaving yourself carrying snowshoes and a Russian road map.
All right.
We can't have any slip-ups on this job.
The sub pens are loaded with wolf packs in for supplies and refueling.
How long do you think they will stay? I'd say 12 hours at the most.
Can't go out and pick up our agent till after dark.
Doesn't leave London much time to make an air strike.
When do we rendezvous with the underground agent? There's an old mill four miles north of here.
Are there any questions so far? I have one, sir.
Yeah, Carter, what is it? Can we do an easier exercise for a while? These knee bends are killing me.
You're getting soft, Carter.
Yeah, so am I.
Everybody up.
Next exercise.
Colonel, look behind you.
Hey, watch it, now! Hey, watch it, now! Get your bloomin' hands off.
You think it could be our agent, Colonel? No, that's a British soldier.
Let's have a closer look.
Carter.
We'll walk over.
SCHULTZ: Get up, you! Get up! You know you can't get away from here.
Get up! Get up! Come on! Watch your bloomin' hands, will you? Sergeant Schmidt.
SOLDIER: Get up! Come on, get up! You were to deliver the prisoner directly to the commandant's office.
I'm sorry, sir.
The prisoner fell down.
We can't get him up.
No? I will see about that.
On your feet, you! And when I say "walk," you walk.
Jawohl, Herr Colonel.
Schultz.
What happened? Fools! Idiots! He's escaped! I hope the colonel realizes that this prisoner has not been placed officially into my custody, so, uh, I can hardly be blamed for this unfortunate incident which, uh, fortunately, I'm not to be blamed for.
Colonel Klink, this is hardly the time to be discussing who is to be blamed for what.
Oh, that devil Flood.
He escaped right from under our noses! Ah-ah! My nose was, uh, still in my office when this happened.
( engine turning ) I think I found the trouble with your car, Colonel.
Starter seems to be broken.
You try another trick like that, and I'll have you shot! Please be sure it is him when you shoot, Colonel.
Hey, that's Malcolm Flood, the guy that's made all those prison breaks.
The newspapers are full of stories about him.
I wonder if he'll be able to get out of here.
You're joking.
Just a moment ago, he nearly got out before he even got in.
Looks like Stalag 13 is in for its first escape.
Yeah, and if he does break out, that colonel will have SS troops combing every inch of ground from here to Berlin.
It's going to be rough getting at that agent with those boys hanging around.
I'd better see Flood before he does anything.
KINCH: Klink's probably keeping him under wraps.
You think he'll let you talk to him? As senior officer of this camp, I must be allowed to see any prisoner I wish.
No, Colonel Hogan, you cannot see the prisoner, you cannot speak to the prisoner, you cannot write to the prisoner.
Colonel Klink, as senior officer of this camp, the prisoners are my responsibility, and I demand to see Sergeant Flood.
Hogan, this is the last time I'm going to tell you no for the last time.
That's funny.
I never noticed what thin, cruel lips you have.
I have thin, cruel lips? Mm-hmm.
And your eyes.
I have thin, cruel eyes, too? No, cold and hard.
The twinkle and laughter is gone.
They're not the same smiling, prescient eyes you once had.
My lips don't feel the least bit thin.
Colonel, give us back the warm, understanding commandant we respected and yes, some of us even loved.
Hogan, talk all you want.
but I'm not going to let you see the prisoner.
I only wanted to see him for a moment to pass on a few encouraging words, perhaps send a letter to his mother.
The Colonel Klink I once knew wouldn't deny that to any man.
I'm not going to let you see the prisoner.
Yeah, the Colonel Klink I knew was quite a guy.
Let me tell you some of the things my boys used to say about this grand human being.
I'm not going to let you see the prisoner.
To Sergeant Carter, you were a father image.
Three minutes.
Fine, Schultz, fine.
Thanks.
Sergeant Flood, I'm Colonel Hogan, senior officer here at Stalag 13.
I just stopped by to see if there's anything you need.
Stay right where you are, Flood, and hear me good.
Uh, getting enough to eat? Anything special you need? Here, let me jot these down so I don't miss anything.
( sotto voce ): Now, look, we've got an important mission for Allied Intelligence tonight, and you're really going to mess it up if you try another escape.
( louder ): No, you're not going too fast for me, Flood, but you'd better take a look at this list, make sure I've got everything marked down.
( sotto voce ): Now, look, this is an important job, and I want your word you'll stay right here in this cell.
Sergeant, I'm asking this as an ally.
I'm waiting, Sergeant.
Now, look, Flood Oh, boy.
You sure there's nothing else, Sergeant? Ah, don't worry, I don't mind.
That's what I'm here for.
I'll just walk myself to the door and let myself out.
Sergeant Schultz? Yes, Colonel Hogan? You were listening all the time.
Who, me? Why should I? You didn't even say anything worth hearing.
I tell you, the man's a proper wizard.
How does he get out of a locked cell with an armed guard on the door? Schultz was the guard.
All he had to worry about was the locked cell.
What happens now, Colonel? Do we still go out after the underground agent? It depends on how long it takes them to find out Flood is missing.
Well, maybe we should try and find him.
By now, he's miles from here.
( man gargling ) Well, all we can do is hope for the best, and ( gargling continues ) What's that noise? Somebody's strangling.
Sounds more like gargling.
That's exactly what it is, and it's coming from my quarters.
Let's go.
It's him! All right, fellas.
What are you doing here? Oh, I was just going to tidy up a bit before I leave.
Begging your pardon, sir.
I didn't realize I was using an officer's quarters.
You don't mind if I sit down, do you? Oh, not at all, sir.
Thanks, thanks.
I-I know I should have asked permission to use your gear, but you chaps were in the middle of a confab.
Seemed to be something important, and I didn't like to butt in.
Matter of fact, we were discussing you, Flood.
Sit down, sit down.
Oh, thank you, sir, but I can only stay a minute.
Going to let yourself get captured again? Well, you can't escape from a prison camp till you're put in one.
You do this as a hobby? Oh, I should say not, sir.
It's serious business.
You see, in civilian life, I was a performer-- the world's greatest escape artist.
You might have heard of me-- Malcolm the Marvelous! I'm afraid I haven't.
Not many people have.
They're certainly hearing about me now, though.
Why, every time I make a prison break, it's another headline.
You're doing this as a publicity stunt? Oh, I'd hardly call it that.
Why, I've become famous-- a legendary figure.
Why, when I return to the stage, I'll return as a star.
It won't be Malcolm the Marvelous anymore.
It'll be Flood the Fabulous! Yeah.
Look, Sergeant, I want to ask you a favor.
I want you to go back to your cell before the Germans find out you've escaped.
Oh, I couldn't do that, sir.
My men and I are on an important mission, and we don't want a pack of SS guards combing the bushes for you.
Oh, I'd like to cooperate with you, Colonel, really, I would, but well, you're asking a bit much.
All right, then, I'll stop asking and make that an order.
An order, sir? An order.
You're confined to barracks till further notice.
Is that clear? Quite clear.
Carter, get in there and keep an eye on Sergeant Flood.
What's he doing, sir? Nothing.
I just want to make sure he stays there.
Yes, sir.
Hi, I'm Carter.
I just thought I'd come in to get acquainted and have a little friendly visit.
That's very decent of you, Carter.
Uh, excuse me, Sarge.
You know, I've been meaning to ask you how did you get out of those other nine camps? Basic elementary techniques.
Child's play.
Child's play compared to the spectacular stunts I did on the stage.
You were in show business? Was I in show business? Introducing Malcolm the Marvelous.
Chains cannot bind him nor prisons hold him.
Why, I've escaped from bank vaults, locked trunks, sealed coffins and numerous hotel rooms where my luggage was being held.
Well, I heard that guys do that, but they use a phony trunk.
Phony trunk, is it? Well, not Malcolm the Marvelous.
See that footlocker? Real enough, ain't it? Well, you can lock me inside of it, tie ropes around it, even sit on top of it, and I'll be out of it in less than a minute.
That's impossible.
All right, it'll be dark in a minute.
We'll sneak Flood back in his cell.
He's not an easy man to hold, Colonel.
Yeah, he's broke out twice.
There's nothing he can do with all of us guarding him.
Well, it seems a shame to ruin his plans like this.
Look, I don't like it, either, but our plans have to come first.
Let's get him.
Sergeant? He's gone! So is Carter.
Hey, Flood must have made a break, and Carter took out after him.
Of course.
Let's go help him.
All right, hold it.
Hold it a minute.
He took off, all right, but Carter didn't follow him.
Carter's in my footlocker.
In your footlocker? Don't ask me how I know, but that's where he is.
You're in my footlocker, aren't you, Carter? CARTER ( muffled ): Yes, I am, sir.
Get him out quick, before I decide to leave him there, will you? What is it, Schultz? What has happened? Herr Kommandant, do you remember the English sergeant who was our prisoner for a couple of minutes today? Are you trying to tell me that Sergeant Flood has escaped? That's what I'm trying very hard not to tell you.
I told you to watch him every minute! I did, Herr Kommandant.
I swear! I didn't let him out of my sight from the moment I locked his cell until he escaped.
Now, Colonel Klink, if you will excuse me, I'll phone the general at once and give him a report of your miserable failure.
This looks bad, Schultz, very bad.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
But, Herr Kommandant, I was taught no matter how bad something may be, one should always look at the good side.
Well, the good side looks pretty bad, too.
Please, Schultz, don't try to be Little Gretchen Sunshine today.
We've let a very important prisoner escape.
Now, can you find anything good about that? Sure, Herr Kommandant.
Now that I have no one to guard, you could give me the 12-hour pass.
I am too busy to see you today.
I know you are, sir, but this won't take long.
Oh, go ahead and finish packing.
Packing? I'm not packing.
Oh, that's a smart idea to travel light.
That way you don't get your luggage shot up, too.
What is this about traveling? I'm not going anyplace.
According to my information, you are.
Flood's escape was your swan song, and the name of that song is, "Good-bye, Dad, I'm Off to Stalingrad.
" Nonsense, Hogan.
I've been in the army for 20 years, and this is my first mistake.
My first mistake in 20 years.
That's rather remarkable, wouldn't you say so? Yeah, I'd say so.
But would the man with the say-so say so? Hogan, we all make mistakes.
No one is perfect.
Except him, of course.
Yeah.
Well, I had a plan to get you out of this mess, but as long as you're not worried Wait a minute.
Who said I'm not worried? What's your plan? What? I mean, how can you help me? All you've got to do is recapture Flood.
Look, Hogan, Colonel Stieffer is searching for Flood with an entire SS company.
Now, if they can't find him, who can? I can.
I know where he's hiding.
You do? How? He told me when I talked to him in the cell.
He told me a lot of things.
For instance, do you know why he keeps going from one prison camp to another? No.
Why? He's looking for a home, the one place he'll feel wanted.
He is wanted all over Germany! Colonel Klink, Stalag 13 could be that one place that he's looking for.
And you as commandant would automatically become the father figure that he needs.
If you're a good father, he stays.
If not, he leaves.
It's entirely up to you as to what kind of father you're going to be.
Hogan I am not going to be any kind of father! I'm not even married, and you're asking me to treat Flood like a child.
Psychologically, he is.
Now, if you establish a solid father-son relationship with him I won't do it.
Commandant Klink, you've got two choices: fatherhood or an exciting trip to the Russian winter wonderland.
Colonel Hogan, let's bring my boy back home.
Oh, yeah, all right.
There's just one thing I meant to mention before: I go alone.
Alone, Hogan? Nothing against you personally, sir, but, uh, Flood trusts me.
Well, nothing against you personally, Colonel, but I don't.
Do you think I'm going to let you walk out of this camp alone? Who said anything about walking? I was going to borrow one of your trucks.
Schultz can drive me.
I guess I'll have to trust you.
I appreciate that, Commandant, and I won't do anything to destroy your faith in me.
I'm sure you won't.
Tell your men not to follow too close behind me, huh? They'll stay just within machine gun range.
Sub pens will be practically empty by midnight.
We are not giving Air Command much time.
It's enough.
They're ready to go the second they get the target locations.
We'll go straight to the radio room and get the information off.
Now, where did they go after they drove through the gate? Well, why didn't you ask Colonel Hogan? Oh, he was in a hurry, huh? Corporal, Colonel Hogan is not your superior officer.
He's a prisoner of war! I know he doesn't act like one, but he is a prisoner.
And the next time he drives through that gate, I want you to Never mind.
There isn't going to be a next time! We're back, Colonel.
Hogan, you were back Now, where have you been? I just took Malcolm over to the barracks.
You were to report to my office immediately.
I did not give you Softly, Colonel, softly.
Malcolm is just outside the door.
You've got to stop throwing these temper tantrums if you're going to be any kind of a father.
( softly ): I wasn't throwing any temper tantrums.
Yes, you were.
You were shouting hysterically and stomping your feet.
I was not stomping my feet! I was only shouting hysterically! Now, why did you have to go back to the barracks first? I wanted to show him where he's going to live, to show him how cozy and snug it was.
Did he seem happy? Yes, he did.
You won't have any more trouble with him.
Good, good, Hogan.
Why don't you let Malcolm come in now? Oh, do I look all right? Perfect.
Any man in this camp would be proud to call you "Daddy.
" Thank you, Hogan.
Come on in, Malcolm.
Hello, son.
Welcome That is not Malcolm Flood.
Yes, it is.
He just looks different in civilian clothes.
It isn't just the civilian clothes.
This man is older, he's shorter, he's heavier.
His hair is not the same color.
And besides that, Flood didn't wear any glasses.
Well, you ought to know your own son.
Who's this man, then? My name is Max Hubler.
Uh, 117 Gossett Street.
I'm an accountant for the host industries.
Well, why'd you say you were Malcolm Flood? I didn't say anything.
I thought I'd been captured by an American commando.
I-I was so frightened, I could hardly speak.
You thought I was an American commando? Jawohl.
( laughing ): That's a riot.
The laugh's on us, Colonel.
Hogan! This is the last time I'll ever listen Softly, Colonel, softly.
( whispering ): This is the last time Hogan! Out of here and never bother me again.
Just one minute, Colonel! I want to find out what this man was doing at that old mill.
I have some other questions for him, too.
Hogan, I said out! Oh, would you like to see my papers, Colonel? Please, Mr.
Hubler, that will not be necessary.
Just a minute.
Just a minute.
I'd like to see them.
I said out! All right, I'll go, but this is the last time I'm going to do anything for you.
I wish I could believe that.
All right, take off.
Well, Sergeant Flood.
Evening, Colonel.
I captured him myself right outside the gate.
He was trying to get away.
I wasn't trying to get away.
I was trying to get back in.
SCHULTZ: Sure, sure.
People always are trying to break in here.
That's why we have to lock the gates.
That's the truth, Colonel.
Uh, I guess you'd say I had a change of heart about a few things.
You know what I mean? Yeah, I know what you mean.
All right, let's go, and no tricks, or I'll shoot! Schultz, you don't have a gun.
I can always go and get one.
So, you did catch him, Schultz.
Good work.
You can turn him over to me now.
To you, Colonel? You see, Headquarters is fed up with Flood and these prison breaks, so they decided to let the Gestapo take charge of him.
Gestapo? STIEFFER: That's right, Sergeant.
And we have a method of preventing escapes that's Well, I guess you'd call it a sure-fire guarantee, hmm? Colonel Hogan, I just got word from London: mission accomplished.
That's great, Kinch.
Something wrong? We've been talking about Sergeant Flood.
I shouldn't have said anything to him.
Oh, don't blame yourself, Colonel.
He came back because he felt it was his duty.
You think there's a chance he may escape from the Gestapo? He will if there's a footlocker in the room.
No, I'm afraid old Flood's had it this time.
Nobody escapes those Gestapo boys.
Yeah, I'd like to think that Flood just might be the exception.
Oh, I'd like to think so, too but I'd lay I believe I'll take that bet, Newkirk.