In Living Color (1990) s02e26 Episode Script

You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me, it's a'ight to be - In living color And how would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat - And at night it was safeto walk down the street - In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color Everybody hereis equally kind Everybody hereis equally kind Everybody, everybodyeverybody, everybody - Everybody here is equally kind - In living color What's mine is yoursand what's yours is mine In living c-c-c-olor You can do what you wanna doin living color How you doin'? I'm Keenen Ivory Wayans.
Thanks for tunin' in.
I know some of y'all sittin' out there thinkin'.
.
.
"Yo, homeboy.
" What? "Yo, yo, yo! Ho-Ho-Ho-Homeboy!" What? "When you gonna put all the best of In Living Color in one show? "Just pack it up, you know, all that stuff.
.
.
"Homey, Homeboys, 'Men On,' all them little doodad things.
" Boom! Guess what? I did that for ya.
Sit back and check it out.
Peace.
- [Spectators Chanting.]
Rocky! - Rocky, I know this is your big comeback.
.
.
and I know I came back from the dead to train you, but this fight is pure insanity! No way, brother.
You just wanna humil.
.
.
humil.
.
.
Easy, Rocky.
Not too many syllables.
I got light-headed there.
Listen, I still got the eye of the tiger.
You know that.
Look, Rocky, you got the eye of a tiger and the I.
Q.
Of a lima bean.
You're not gonna be fighting a man tonight.
You'll be fightin' an animal.
Animals don't scare me.
- Yeah? Well, this one will.
- [Growling.]
- [Spectators Chanting.]
Rocky! Rocky! Rocky! Rocky! - [Bell Ringing.]
All right, fans.
Here we go.
In the red corner.
.
.
- the challenger: Rocky Balboa! - [Spectators Cheering.]
And in the blue corner, the undisputed champion of the world.
Let's give it up for GraceJones! [Spectators Cheering Wildly.]
- [Bell Rings.]
- [Announcer.]
Rocky Vl: The Ultimate Challenge.
[Wild Cheering Continues.]
- Hello, Rocky.
Do you find me sexy? - [Grunts.]
I said, do you find me sexy? [Growls.]
To tell you the truth, Grace, you're startin' to scare me a little.
[Growls, Grunts.]
Harder! Faster! Harder! Faster! Harder! Faster! [Shrieking Laughter.]
Enough of the foreplay, Rocky.
Is it gonna be your place or mine? Aw, come on, Grace.
I got a wife and kid.
Then I guess it's gonna be mine, Rocky.
- [Spectators Booing.]
- [Grace Singing.]
- Adrian! - [Continues Singing.]
- Adrian! - [Spectators Chanting.]
Rocky.
! Rocky.
! Rocky.
! Rocky.
! Rocky.
! Rocky.
! Rocky.
!Rocky.
! Rocky.
! Rocky.
! [Man Narrating.]
First, Lou Ferrigno was The Incredible Hulk.
Then Arnold Schwarzeneggerwas Conan.
And now, world championfemale bodybuilder Vera De Milo.
.
.
explodes upon the screen as.
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.
Veracosa, Mistress of Destruction.
Watch Vera's biceps bulge.
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.
as she summonsthe spirit Dianabol.
[Grunting.]
Watch her belly bulgeas she lets loose the wind of the gods.
[Exhales.]
You'll marvel at allof Vera's incredible bulges.
Yaah! Whoa! What's a girl to do? Yaah! Whoo! Yaah! Thanks for hangin' around.
Hey.
No fair.
Ow! [Whip Cracks.]
[Growling.]
[Growls.]
Ah! At last we meet, my dreaded Veracosa.
I am Kee-Man of the Hanna-Barberians.
I am he that must vanquish thee from thine.
Therefore, I am, I must.
I don't understand a word you're saying.
What kind of language is that? It is the tongue of my native land, Dyslexia.
Now, say you'll be my bride.
And together we will rule the Erudites.
[Laughing.]
You are brave as well as beautiful.
That excites me.
You shall never taste my ambrosia, Kee-Man.
- [All Groaning.]
- For I am Veracosa.
.
.
of British Caledonia, keeper of Nautilus.
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.
and deceptor of urinalysis.
Very well.
Then what I cannot have.
.
.
take it I shall.
Yes.
I shall unleash the mammaries.
.
.
- that kings and princes have died for.
- [Gasps.]
I can't believe you just did that! I am so humiliated! Now you've asked for it.
No! No, not the poison pit.
- Oh! Oh, no! - Sleep well, Kee-Man.
[Groaning.]
Let that be a lesson to all those who practice evil.
When you mess with my breasts.
.
.
you die like the rest! [Whinnying.]
[All Chanting.]
Vera! Vera! Vera! Vera! [Narrator.]
Veracosa, Mistress of Destruction.
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.
coming soonto a theater near you.
[Chanting Continues.]
[Organ.]
Ohh! Oh, Lord have mercy.
- My dear sisters and brethren, - [Organ Stops.]
We are gathered here to bid farewell to a great blues singer.
- Amen.
- Mississippi "Fat Back" Witherspoon.
Fat Back! Now, he-he wanted this to be a joyous occasion.
He didn't want us carrying on.
So I present his friend, Mr.
Calhoun Tubbs.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, Reverend.
Look here.
No disrespect to the family.
.
.
but, uh, Calhoun's 900 Greatest Hits is available on eight-track cassette in the lobby.
$3.
95.
Of course, you get a complimentary copy, son.
You know, Fat Back wanted this to be a joyous occasion.
.
.
so I thought I might sing a few songs, tell some funny stories about my good friend.
Now, you all know Fat Back loved him some catfish.
- Amen.
- I say, Fat Back loved him some catfish.
- Amen.
- The only thing he loved morethan some of that channel cat.
.
.
was that little baby girl child.
Lord, that girl could cook.
! You know, she done cooked some catfish for him the day he died.
Wrote a song about it.
Like to hear it? Here it go.
Fat Back choked on a catfish That stupid girl fed him the bone - [Sobbing.]
- Thank you very much.
Now, don't get me wrong now.
Fat Back wasn't no skirt chaser.
No, no, no.
He did what he did on account of his son.
He loved that boy.
Wrote a song about it.
Like to hear it? Here it go.
Fat Back's wife wasn't nothin' but a skank tramp She had a bastard child [Sobbing.]
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You know, that was the first standing ovation I ever got in my long career.
You know, I'd like to thank y'all for letting me take time.
.
.
to share these few loving memories about my good old buddy Fat Back.
You know, he was always thinking about his wife and family.
But he lived just for today.
That's kind of like what made him so special.
Wrote a song about it.
Like to hear it? Here it go.
Fat Back ain't had no life insurance You're about to lose the house and car Now that's the second standing ovation I ever got.
Thank you very much.
See you next time.
- ['80s Pop.]
- [Announcer.]
And now.
.
.
Public Access TelevisionChannel 53 presents: Men on Vacation.
- Hello.
I'm Blayne Edwards.
- And I'm Antoine Merryweather.
[In Unison.]
And welcome to Men on Vacation.
Today we'll be reviewing our little European vacation.
From a male point of view.
Here we are on our last stop on our whirlwind gallivant through Europa.
Wait a minute.
We got a new sponsor.
Somebody better check their mail.
Tonight's broadcast is brought to you byJewels.
.
.
the gum that explodes in your mouth.
I bet you just can't chew one.
And who'd want to? We started our little trip in Greece.
The Greek peoples was so nice.
Yes.
They bent over backwards to show us a good time.
Oh, look.
Excuse me.
Not you, fish.
You go back in the sea.
Garçon.
Oh, may I have another Wallbanger? - And for monsieur?- Oui, oui.
- Bottoms up.
- Ditto.
Is that little Ricky Schroder? What's he doin' here? Don't let him see me.
- Who's that with him? - You know, I think that's Erik Estrada.
Oh, well.
Anyway.
Next we went to Holland, land of dikes.
[In Unison.]
Hated it! And from there, it was on to merry old England.
- Remember Big Ben? - Oh, how could I forget it? It was so nice of him to show us around the city.
Excuse me.
Big Ben was a clock.
Well, we both know what time that was.
You'd better stop.
You know, it's so chilly out here, my nipples are hard.
Then it was just a hop, skip and jump on to gay Paris.
.
.
but we decided to go back to Greece instead.
And then it was on to Scotland.
You know, I found it to be quite an open society.
.
.
where mens are free to explore the feminine side of their nature.
All those hairy legs and skirts holdin' them bagpipes.
Mm-hmm.
Not since the Fire Island Halloween Barn Dance.
.
.
have I seen so many men in drag.
Just a hint, fellas: Plaid is out this fall.
Our next stop was Sweden, best known for its beautiful, buxom blondes.
[In Unison.]
Hated it! So we went back to Greece.
But it was very sad when we had to leave our soldier buddies behind.
.
.
and travel to our final destination: The French Riviera.
.
.
which is where we've been ever since.
Oh, yes.
And to sum up our little European vacation, we're gonna have.
.
.
to give the whole trip a new and improved around-the-world-and-back snap.
Tell a friend.
Tune in next week, when we'll be back in the good old U.
S.
Of A.
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.
reviewing the new release, Memphis Belle.
It's the story of 10 young mens in leather jackets.
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all sweaty, standin' next to each other.
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.
and them long, hard bombs crammed together in a little old cockpit.
Well, grease my landing gear.
I'm coming in for a landing.
- Toodle-oo! - See you next week! Bye! ['80s Pop.]
Next! Listen, do you mind if I go first? I've got to get back to the stock exchange before 4:00.
Oh, sure, let you go embezzle your millions.
.
.
while I struggle to get by off of minimum wage.
I don't think so.
Homey don't play that.
- Sit down.
- I don't feel like it.
I said sit down! - Name.
- Homey D.
Clown.
Oh, yes.
Herman Simpson.
We know all about you.
I'm Sally.
I'm your new parole officer.
- What's that, Sally? - It's your file.
Let's see.
" Abusive language, failure to perform prescribed.
.
.
" Save your breath.
That's just another long list of lies.
.
.
perpetrated by the man to keep a brother down.
Clown, please.
Let's place the blame where it belongs.
I believe your anti-social behavior is the real problem.
I'll tell you what the real problem is.
- The real problem is you're nothing but a tool of the man.
- You are living in a fantasy.
- Another oppressor.
- You wanna blame everybody but yourself! - You want to break the rules and stay out of jail! - You don't care about me! [In Unison.]
I don't think so.
[Melodramatic Classical.]
[Snaps.]
[Clown Horn Honking.]
[Horn Continues Honking.]
- Yeah! - It's Homey the clown! - Hey, Homey, does your nose squeak? - Girl, don't touch my nose.
- Hey, clowny, do a stupid clown trick.
- Yeah! - I'd love to.
- Herman! - Come on.
!- Yeah, come on.
! Okay, childrens.
Just one stupid clown trick.
- Yeah! - Yea! Look at Homey's flower.
Smell Homey's flower.
[Squeals.]
- [Laughing.]
- Okay, run along, little children.
See? He's a stupid weak clown.
Now, that's more like the Herman I want to see.
He kicked me in my behind, honey.
Oh, that's all right.
Because you're starting to act like a real person.
By the way, Mama's coming over on Monday.
And Wednesday you start your new job.
But I got a job, honey bunch.
I'm a clown, remember? You're not a clown.
You're a buffoon.
I'm talking about a real job, Herman.
An entry level position at that fancy new restaurant I told you about.
- Not Chez Whitey.
- Yes.
Look.
It's high time you stopped playing the fool.
Get yourself out of that ridiculous outfit and into a regular suit.
You know, Herman,I can just picture it.
You wearing one of thosenice little red valetjackets.
If you're faithful and humble.
.
.
and do exactlywhat the man tells you.
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.
that means no hostility.
.
.
they might evenlet you inside the restaurant.
The time has come for youto fit into society.
Come on, Herman, give it up and join the establishment.
- The establishment, huh? - Yes.
You want me to put on a little monkey suit and park cars for the man, huh? Maybe if I do real good, I can move up to washing dishes.
Then maybe waiting tables.
Who knows? Maybe five or six years later.
.
.
I'll be able to seat Whitey himself.
- You'd like that, wouldn't you? - Yes, Herman, I would.
I don't think so.
Homey don't play that.
- I'm telling Daddy.
- Good.
Give him this when you see him.
Hmm.
Now, I wonder where those sweet little childrens went.
There he is! I told you he'd still be here.
Hey, uh.
.
.
Hey, clown man, do another trick for us, will ya? - Yeah! - Yeah! - Another clown trick, huh? - Yeah! - Yeah! So you can fall down laughing while I degrade and shame myself for your amusement, huh? - [Children In Unison.]
Yeah! - You'd like that, wouldn't you? - Yeah! - Yeah! Homey! Homey! Homey! Homey! Homey! - Homey! - Sit down! Gather round, little chickadees.
Homey's got a little love story to tell you.
- Ooh! - Now, which one of you kicked me in my behind earlier? - He did! - Me! - Okay, you get up here and be my assistant.
- Yeah! Hey! Now, once upon a time.
.
.
two lonely hearts came together.
- Woo woo.
- Wow.
- Just like this.
- Ooh.
- Ewww.
Then love poured all out from their hearts.
.
.
nice and thick-like.
Until Homey realized.
.
.
that it was just a trick to whiten him up, like so.
And it made his heart beat over and over and over again.
The end.
So, what has our little lesson taught us if nothing else, childrens? [Children In Unison.]
Homey don't play that.
Very good.
Now, let's sing a little Homey love song.
- You do backup for me, would you? - Yeah.
! - Love is bad - Bad - Love is sad - [Children In Unison.]
Sad - Love ain't glad - Glad Love is something you wish you never had 'Cause love takes your heart and kicks it around the room Then it tries to set you up and send you to jail It'll make you unhappy for the rest of your life - I said back me up.
- [Singing Haphazardly.]
[Haphazard Singing Continues.]
Hey, hey.
! Hey.
! The white girl is offbeat.
The end.
[Whines.]
[Theme.]
[Man Vocalizing, Indistinct.]
You can do what you wanna doin living color