The Addams Family (1964) s02e26 Episode Script

They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
So get a witch's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family Hungry? Picture in domestic tranquility.
Hemlock on the hearth, and my lovely wife feeding the piranha.
Next to you-know-what, they like pickled herring the best.
Good little eaters, aren't they? Next to Kitty cat they're the best eaters in the house.
Oh, dear.
Morticia, Gomez.
Kitty cat didn't eat his dinner and he's acting so strangely.
See? No pep, no energy.
Poor dear does look a bit under.
I tried everything to cheer him up.
I even stuck my head in his mouth up to there.
If that didn't cheer him up He's been making friends with that alley cat next door.
Scrunchy little thing, but maybe he wants a friend who's a cat.
Any kind of a cat.
Mama, you are so wise.
Kitty cat is of an age to marry and have a family.
Darling, why don't we send to Africa for a mate? Send? Send? Querida, suppose I had just received you in the mail instead of stalking you as I did? Morticia.
Those runs we had through Hurricane Dora.
By the time Typhoon Terry came, we were engaged.
Kitty cat must have the same chance.
Yes, darling.
You rang? Lurch, begin preparations for a safari.
I'll tell the children.
A safari! Is it true we're going to visit the happy hunting ground? Yes, we're taking Kitty cat wife-shopping.
Well, let's get wives for everybody.
I'm ready.
You needn't go to Africa for yours, old man.
Oh, yes.
All the local girls have turned me down.
I can't imagine why.
Well, it's when I tell them I sleep on a bed of nails.
American girls just don't seem to like that.
True femininity is disappearing.
Darling, why don't I cable the white hunter and tell him to expect us? Excellent idea, my dear.
Tell him accommodations for seven people, one lion, one alligator, one octopus and one spider.
Better forget the spider.
I like to travel light.
Yes, bwana.
When you call me bwana, my blood boils.
And how I love the sound.
- Did it come through? - No, Uncle Fester.
Bravo, querida.
- Try this one.
- What's this one, dear? It's what the Batulu tribe calls a kitku, or a far-carrying spear.
They use it against distant relatives.
- What's the number? - That's the area code.
Very good.
What's this one, darling? I believe that's a mashu klift.
A spear of great accuracy designed for use against tsetse flies.
- Oh, dear, that bell's out of order again.
- No problem.
You rang? Lurch, a tsetse fly, please.
Ready? Release.
Perfect hit.
- What? - What? You mean, you think Kitty cat may just have a cold? By george, it never occurred to me.
Of course, it could be as simple as that.
Merely a case for the family doctor.
Family witch doctor, of course.
Well, to the telephone, my dear.
Do you remember Dr.
Mbogo's number in Africa? Zulu 854.
Oh, yes.
Thank you, my dear.
Person-to-person call to Dr.
Mbogo in Africa.
Zulu What? First name? Just a moment.
- You remember Dr.
Mbogo's first name? - Mbogo.
Oh, yes, of course.
Mbogo.
I can never remember that.
Dr.
Mbogo Mbogo, please.
Who did you want again? Oh, Dr.
Mbogo.
Wait a minute.
I'll see if I can get a hold of him.
Hold on.
We'll have to get ourselves a hollow log.
We'd save a lot of time by dialing direct.
Hello, Dr.
Mbogo? Gomez Addams here.
How are you, Doctor? Oh, that's too bad.
Well, we have a little problem here ourselves.
Kitty cat.
Seems to be suffering from lack of appetite.
Yes.
Take three hairs from a wildebeest.
Mix with boiling water.
Burn down the hut? I think the doctor had better come out and have a look.
Absolutely.
Doctor, I think you'd better come out and examine him personally.
Come on, Doctor, you ought to be used to that by now.
That's your final word, eh? Well, as long as you feel that way.
- He refuses to come out and see Kitty cat.
- Refuses to see him? Seems Kitty cat's father ate his father.
Well, you rustle up boiling water and some matches, and I'll go hunt up a wildebeest.
Darling, where are we going to find a wildebeest this time of year? I think I saw one lurking in Mama's room.
Leave it to Mama.
I'll help you trap it.
But first, to the library for a little target practice.
Darling.
Cousin Itt, would you help us with the target practice, please? - Ready? - Ready.
You're getting warmer, darling.
Try it again.
Now, up to Mama's room and that wildebeest.
What? It isn't a wildebeest, it's Mama? Well, that lets out Dr.
Mbogo.
Darling, I do believe Thing is right.
Why don't we call a veterinarian? Well, a veterinarian isn't as scientifically advanced as Dr.
Mbogo, but I guess we have no choice.
This one sounds rather reliable.
"AAAAA Animal Doctors.
For the pet who has everything.
" AAAAAA Animal Doctors.
Gunderson speaking.
The health of your pet is our A-1 concern.
Are you calling in reference to a bird, dog or cat? A cat.
Now, what are your cat's symptoms? Well, he seems to have no appetite at all.
He hasn't eaten since yesterday, and then all he had was a leg of yak, some marinated cheetah and a soufflé of aardvark.
cheetah, soufflé of Sorry, there's something wrong with my phone.
Would you repeat that, please? Yak, cheetah and a soufflé of aardvark.
What did you say your cat ate? Leg of yak, some marinated cheetah, and a soufflé of aardvark.
I'd better come right over.
Yeah.
Dr.
Gunderson.
Glad you could make it, Doctor.
Gomez Addams here.
- Nice to see you.
- Mrs.
Addams there.
- How do you do? - How do you do? I do hope you can help Kitty cat.
We couldn't even tempt him with broiled elephant hooves.
Your cat likes broiled elephant hooves? Doesn't everyone? I'm going to lead you to the patient, Doctor, you must be very busy.
Well, only in the molting season.
You know Oh, I see the doctor finally got here.
Well, go to it, but don't make a federal case out of it.
Our family doctor could've cured him like that, but we didn't want to burn down the hut.
We've grown rather attached to it.
Your family doctor prescribed burning down the hut? Well, some of his methods are a trifle extreme.
Well, does your family doctor think that maybe your cat has something highly infectious? No.
I think Dr.
Mbogo just enjoys a good fire.
Some of the doctor's medical theories may be questionable, but he is absolutely great on curses.
- Curses? - A specialist.
This way, please.
This is Kitty cat's favorite room.
He really preferred the tree house, but there just isn't room for both of us.
He's probably in the tunnel.
Perhaps this will bring him out.
He loves to play circus.
Kitty cat, come on out.
The doctor's here.
That's Kitty cat? He's such an obedient little darling.
- I think he likes you.
- Likes me? That's what I was afraid of.
But, Doctor, don't you want to examine him? Oh, no, I would not like to examine him.
I think the doctor wants to be alone with him.
- No.
No, I don't want to be.
- Very well.
We'll stand by you.
- Anything we can do for you? - Yes, you can get me out of here, - because I - But Kitty cat needs you.
Oh, no.
You see, I don't know anything about lions.
You see, I'm really a bird man.
Honest.
I flunked wild beasts twice.
You're my kind of people.
I flunked everything twice.
Also, I'm a coward.
What's there to be afraid of? Doctor, I think we're inhibiting you.
We'll go and you stay.
Oh, no.
I'll go, you stay.
Come on now, Doctor.
I know you can help Kitty cat.
Look at those gentle healing hands.
Now, do be sweet to him.
He's such a shy, sensitive thing.
- Don't go.
Wait a second.
- Doctor.
Fellows.
If there's anything you want, just yell.
Help! Well, he doesn't have to yell that loud.
No, Uncle Fester, let's not indulge the doctor.
Well, I agree with you, but I don't know what you mean.
Didn't it strike you as strange that a veterinarian should be afraid of a harmless, little animal like Kitty cat? By george, I think he was afraid.
You are a discerning one.
Poor man.
He needs help much more than Kitty cat.
The only sensible thing to do is to call Dr.
Mbogo again.
No, let's work on Dr.
Gunderson.
You know, build up his ego, restore his confidence.
Capital idea.
How? Well, let him work on members of the family.
Make him think he's effected miracle cures.
- You know, put on a little act.
- Clever.
But unnecessary.
They're getting along just fine.
Just as I thought.
The doctor seems to have everything under control.
The doctor's playing dead.
I think he is dead.
- Am I dead? - Certainly not.
But appearances are deceiving.
Look, maybe you better get your family doctor.
It may not be such a bad idea burning down this hut.
We have faith in you.
Oh, no.
I'm a quack.
I'm a fraud.
I told you he was our kind of people.
As a matter of fact, we'd like to have you look at another patient.
- Another lion? - No.
A Gila monster? A man-eating shark? - One of the family.
- But you were close.
Oh, no, no.
You see, I don't have a license to treat humans.
Oh, you can treat Cousin Itt.
- You wanna watch that low bridge.
- Yes, I have to.
Here's the patient, Doctor.
- What is it? - Good question.
That's our Cousin Itt.
Tell the doctor what's troubling you, darling.
That's it in a nutshell.
But I didn't understand a word.
He's in your hands, Doctor.
Oh, no, I don't He could - Does he bite? - Certainly not.
Although he does bark a bit.
Are you sure you wouldn't rather burn the place down? No, Dr.
Mbogo's methods are far too advanced.
We prefer the old-fashioned remedy.
It's the same all over.
That's Cousin Itt.
All heart.
I didn't hear anything.
Oh, dear.
It's worse than I thought.
I'd better take his temperature.
Bull's-eye! Well, at least we know his appetite's good.
- He loves thermometers.
- Real sweet tooth.
Please.
All you have to do is spread a little kerosene and light a match Nonsense, Doctor, you're doing splendidly.
Cousin Itt looks better already.
At least he's got his color back.
How do you feel, Cousin Itt? You see, he's a completely new man.
And anything is an improvement.
You're not a doctor, you're a miracle worker.
Can I go now? Not until you look in on Cleopatra.
Cleopatra? Does she eat thermometers, too? No, but she's a glutton for tongue depressors.
Here's your patient, Doctor.
Where? Cleopatra, say hello to the nice doctor.
It's choking me.
Nonsense, Doctor, that's love at first sight.
You have a wonderful plant-side manner.
Come here, Cleopatra, darling.
Come here, baby.
Yes, there's Mother's baby.
Let the doctor examine you.
Did you ever see a more piqued-Iooking African strangler? Poor thing.
She's just lost all desire to strangle.
No, she hasn't.
No, she hasn't.
You see? Oh, dear.
Well, are you going to examine her? - Of course he will.
- Of course I will, yes.
Well, Doctor, what is it? The plant needs watering.
Why didn't I think of that? By george, that's an excellent diagnosis.
Doctor, how can we ever repay you? By letting me out of here.
Of course.
As soon as you have a look at Uncle Fester.
Uncle Fester.
Hurry, Doctor, before we lose him.
What seems to be the trouble? I'm sick.
That's a death rattle if I ever heard one.
First thing we have to do is get him on a comfortable bed.
What could possibly be more comfortable than the bed he's on? Excuse us a moment.
- Maybe he is a quack.
- Oh, no, darling, I think he's just nervous.
Uncle Fester is giving a magnificent performance.
Reminds me of Edwin Booth Addams.
- When he made theatrical history? - When he died.
Oh, yes.
Well, Doctor, what have you discovered? My watch stopped.
Uncle Fester does seem to have passed the crisis, though.
No, I haven't.
Of course you have, Fester.
The doctor has remarkable healing power.
Don't tell me, I'm the patient.
It's the end.
Will you excuse us, please? Darling.
Uncle Fester seems to be overdoing it a bit.
A real ham.
What do we do? Maybe we ought to let the doctor lose one.
Wouldn't be a bad average.
No, the doctor might have a relapse.
Good thinking.
Well, Doc, the only thing you can do now is operate.
- Never.
- Why not? Can't stand the sight of blood.
Just a moment, please.
The doctor's slipping faster than Fester.
Yes, we may be witnessing medical history in the making.
The first time a patient ever loses a doctor.
We've gotta make Fester take a turn for the better.
Now.
- How? - Good question.
I wish I knew the answer.
I have it.
Doctor, I'm afraid you're not the man for this case.
Oh, I'm not.
I'm not.
Uncle Fester doesn't need a doctor.
He needs an undertaker.
Wait a minute.
I'm not dead yet.
You will be by the time he gets here.
The undertaker will be right here.
Wait a minute! I just had a big comeback.
Yes, a comeback.
Congratulations, Doctor, you've done it again.
- Done what? - Such modesty.
You've just snatched this man from the jaws of death.
I did? You're the Albert Schweitzer of veterinarians.
Doctor, how can I ever repay you? I keep telling you, by letting me get out of here.
I know the whole world is clamoring for your services, and you must answer that call.
Right after you have a look at Thing.
Thing? Who's Thing? Not who, Doctor, but what.
Thing, come out.
The doctor's here.
Well, Doctor, he's in Boy, he was in a hurry.
Poor devil.
Didn't even wait for his fee.
Strange, strange man.
Thank you for trying, Thing.
Morticia, Gomez.
- Kitty take a turn for the worse? - Oh, he's all better.
By george, that doctor is a genius.
Well, Kitty wasn't even sick.
Wasn't sick? But he didn't eat a morsel of food.
Well, that's because Pugsley had already fed him.
Well, it all was for the best.
- It was? - Of course.
We helped restore the doctor's confidence.
Love those duets.
Such melodic instruments, darling.
Morticia, Gomez.
- What is it, Mama? - Now Kitty cat is sick.
Are you sure? She's sure.
He ate that second meal we put out for him.
It was too much.
Now he's got a stomachache.
Oh, dear.
Well, there's only one thing to do.
- Call Dr.
Gunderson.
- Exactly.
Thank you.
Thank you, Thing.
You know, this should be a lesson to all of us.
Gluttony is Hello, is Dr.
Gunderson there, please? Morticia Addams calling.
Thank you very much.
- They say the doctor's gone off to Africa.
- Africa? Of course.
He went to work with Dr.
Mbogo.
Now this, dear.