The Nanny s02e26 Episode Script

I can't tell you how it feels to be loaning an original page of Shakespeare's notebook to the Metropolitan Museum.
Yes, sir.
It's a piece of history and very noble of you to share it.
Makes me look damned important, doesn't it? Shall I have the inseam let out of your trousers? Lending this to the fund raiser will make us the hit of the social season.
Thank God your uncle croaked and left it to you.
I mean, sorry for your loss.
I don't need glasses.
/ Brighten, so help me, if you keep this up, I am going to drag you to Loeman's and make you sit outside of the ladies dressing room in the husband's chair with my purse in your lap.
Huh? Is there a problem, Miss Fine? Brighten doesn't want to go pick up his glasses.
I can see fine.
/ Oh, Brighten, don't be so vain.
Meanwhile, these invitations are gorgeous.
Black guy, optional.
That's "black tie," Miss Fine.
Oh, well, I was gonna say I don't want to wear some stupid wire-rimmed, here-comes-Urkel glasses which happen to look excellent on you, dad.
Oh, don't make him wear glasses.
He's so short and underdeveloped.
I mean, aren't the braces enough? I'll holder her down; you tie her tube.
Brighten, you are going, and that's that.
/ There, your father has spoken.
But you said he doesn't know what he's talking about half the -- No! This is the other half.
Go get dressed.
So, shall I get you the Town car? / Oh, no.
It's such a glorious day, I figure we'll just walk.
Walk? In this city? / I'm wearing four-inch heels.
I can step over anything.
To me a wine-o is just a speed bump.
Maxwell, we have that meeting at the museum.
/ Oh, yes.
Oh, Miss Fine, while you're out, there's a list of errands on my desk.
Would you mind? Oh, no, not at all.
Although, I don't know what we've got a butler for.
"Hamlet of Denmark?" Why can't he just write "a small Danish ham"? "Montagu's Capulets?" Well, is that regular or extra strength? Oh, I guess it's whatever I want.
It says here, "as you like it.
" Wow! Everything's so clear now.
Uh-huh.
You know, I really love the way you look in your glasses.
You've got a whole Bill Hurt thing happening.
You know, I'm seeing fine details I've never seen before.
/ Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
How old are you? Take those off.
You look like Urkel.
Wow! Look at that thing.
Is that real? You're acting like you've never seen one before.
You've got one; your father's got one.
Now, put it here.
Let me see how heavy it is.
First of all, Rollex has two "L's" in it.
Please.
What kind of an idiot is gonna pay -- oh, 20 bucks? I'll take one.
Here, here.
Thanks.
Look at that, somebody left an entire bucket of KFC right on the bench.
Oh, people are such pigs.
Oh, it's just the dark meat.
Give me your purse! / Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh! Oh! Oh! Are you okay? Oh, my God, Brighten, we've been mugged.
What do we do? / Ahhhhh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Well, at least we've got witnesses.
We've got witnesses.
Oy! Oy! Oy! / Fran, Fran, Fran, let's not worry.
I can handle this.
Brighten, get up! Oh, Brighten, I can't believe this happened to us.
I don't know what do.
I can't even think straight.
Excuse me.
Where's Bloomingdales? Oh, well, go over to Lexington, down to 59th.
And the frozen yogurt in the cafe is not to be missed.
Hum, hum.
I'll tell you, if I wasn't just mugged, I'd join you.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Thank goodness you're all right.
All they got was your purse.
Oh, you know, it's just like they say, even after it's gone, you can still feel it.
Now I have to replace all my credit cards and that driver's license with that fabulous picture where I look just like Jacquelyn Smith.
Oh, man, if I ever see that creep again.
Oh, sweetie, don't go calling him a creep.
Deep down inside there's goodness in everyone.
Oh, my God.
He's got my Cadillac red lipstick.
It's discontinued.
I want that creep to fry.
Calm down, Miss Fine.
There's plenty of other red lipsticks.
No, never the same.
They out outlawed the dye.
Damn Food and Drug Administration.
What are they doing in cosmetics? My mother wore it for 50 years, and her kids came out normal.
You see, I knew something like this would happen.
Your wide-eyed naivete was bound to get you in trouble sooner or later.
Don't call me naive.
That is so condescending of you.
And I only appear wide-eyed thanks to my Maybelline ultra-lash, which was in my purse.
Oh, that's the police.
The police? I -- you called the police? I asked you not to call the police.
Well, I'm not gonna talk to them, and you can't make me.
Did someone here get mugged? / Oh, I'm the victim.
Well, hi.
/ Hi.
I'm Det.
Shoenfeld.
/ Oh, an NYPD Jew.
What were you doing walking through the park, a beautiful woman like you? That is so naive.
/ I know.
It's my greatest downfall.
I just said the same bloody thing, and she nearly bit my head off.
It's all in the delivery, sir.
Ah, detective, shouldn't you be filling out some paperwork? Are you the guy that threw up and fainted? No.
He did.
How you doing, son? You okay? Yes, sir.
Did either of you get a good look at the guy? No.
We only saw him for a second.
He had a stocking on his head.
No Nonsense, sheer and silky, misty toupe, sandal foot.
That's it? / No, no.
He had a run over his left ear.
Thanks.
That'll give me something to go on.
/ Oh, okay.
Now, make sure you lock your door.
/ Oh, yes, sir.
I gotta go because crime is rampant in the streets.
Oh, gee, your wife must feel so safe having you around.
I'm not married.
Oy! Oh, please, would you look at her, swooning all over the place? What? Just because he wears a badge? Shall I fetch those little wings the stewardess gave you, sir? They were for Grace.
/ Really? Then what are they doing in your jewelry box? / Thank you, Niles.
A simple purse snatching turns deadly tonight on a very special "Blossom.
" Gracie, this is serious.
Fran hasn't gotten off that couch all day.
I better go talk to her.
Ohhhh! On second thought, you go.
Fran / Ahhhh! / Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh! What is the matter? I don't know.
You scared me.
Okay.
Okay.
Calm down.
Calm down.
So the man has my address and telephone number.
Lots of guys do.
Do they ever call? Ah, Fran, um, maybe I should take Gracie to ballet today.
Good.
Good idea.
Yeah, just this once.
Now, kids, don't think just because I was mugged, I'm going to be afraid to face the world outside this door or anything.
Go! Go! Go! Stay low to the ground.
Serpentine, serpentine.
Ahhh! Watch out for that guy, that scary guy.
Oh, it's you, Niles, get in here.
Did anyone follow you? Did you get the stuff? Yes.
Hair spray, breath spray, and pepper spray.
Let's say we switch the labels and give them to Miss Babcock.
Niles, I've been victimized.
I don't have time to watch you torture Miss Babcock.
Take pictures.
Fran? / What? I feel terrible.
I should have defended you yesterday, but I totally wimped out.
Oh, sweetie, sweetie, listen, all you did was pass out, puke, and pee in your pants.
You were in Central Park.
You fit right in.
Ask yourself, punk, do you feel lucky? What was all that about? / Oh, the expert is teaching Brighten how to repel a man.
Well, if you'll excuse me, sir, I'll take your Shakespeare down to the framer.
I thought you already did that, Niles.
But it was right here.
No one's been in here except you and me, Cee Cee and -- Miss Fine! / Oh, now, sir, you're jumping to conclusions.
Why do you always blame -- Miss Fine! I heard you the first time.
Miss Fine, Miss Fine, did you see a very ancient document on this desk yesterday morning? You mean Chita Rivera's resume? It was my Shakespeare.
It's missing, and you were the last one in here.
All right.
Don't panic.
Let's just retrace our steps.
Now, I came in with that whole Brighten eye glasses issue, and then you said, Miss Fine -- oh, no -- that was just now.
Anyway, Cee Cee said something stupid, and then you nailed her with that tube-tying zinger, which I'm still laughing about.
Ah-ha! Thank you.
And yatta, yatta, yatta.
You asked me to run your errands.
I walked over here to pick up the list.
"Brown shoe laces, foot powder, Earl gray" -- ah-oh.
Ah-oh, what? / Oh, please, tell me Macbeth is something you eat with Mcfries.
You took the Shakespeare instead of my list? Please tell me it wasn't in your purse.
It wasn't in my purse.
Are you lying? / Uh-huh.
I told you to take the bloody Town car.
Oh, but, oh, no, you had to walk.
That document lasted 350 years before it met you.
Oh, my God, what about the benefit? Oh, I'm going to be humiliated.
Oh, now, calm down, calm down.
Maybe no one will show up.
Maxwell, it's a sell-out.
Look at this.
The princess of Wales is coming.
Diana? I love her.
Oh, can I go? Yes, Miss Fine.
You can go and explain to everyone why you're toothless.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought it was some fancy-smancy piece of stationery.
I spent two hours trying to find a pizza place called "Two Gentlemen of Barona.
" Shakespeare's gone.
It was in Miss Fine's stolen purse.
I'll kill you.
Sir Sir, aren't you going to stop her? Oh, I will.
So they found the perpetrator, and Miss Fine is the only witness.
Stop! Stop! Stop! We need her alive.
Get dressed.
You and I are going down to the police station to identify the suspect in a lineup and hope to God he's still got my Shakespeare.
I don't want to identify him.
What if he comes back and tries to kill me? Then he can stand in bloody line.
You care more about that stupid piece of paper than you do about me.
Oh, no, Miss Fine, that -- that's not what I meant.
No, of course we care about you.
Get her, Niles.
Oh, no, I don't want to go.
You can't make me.
Oh, Niles, please, for my obituary picture, use the green jump suit from Puerto Rico.
I was thin and tan and having a terrific hair day.
Do you recognize any of them? Can No.
4 push his hair back? / Push your hair back, No.
4.
Now, you're talking.
/ Is that him? No.
But doesn't he look better? Miss Fine, please concentrate.
/ Oh, all right.
It's hard to tell.
He was wearing a stocking at the time.
Put on the stockings.
Oh, my God, it's him.
The Sheer Elegance, all-day beige, between the control top and the cotton crotch No.
2! It's No.
2.
Excuse me, detective, where do we recover our property? What? / Well, the items that were stolen.
Oh, this is your first time, isn't it? Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Hey, Jim, wait'll you hear this one.
My Shakespeare.
/ Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, let it go.
It's like my grandmother always used to say.
"Life is like a box of chocolates.
" That's from "Forrest Gump.
" And they paid her nothing.
Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, cheer up.
Here, we'll watch a little TV.
That'll take your mind right off of Shakespeare.
Brush up your Shakespeare.
Now back to Severelli's "Romeo and Juliette.
" / Oh, no.
Oh, wait, wait.
They were just about to show Romeo's touche.
Miss Fine, please, get me somewhere else.
Mr.
Sheffield, look on the bright side.
Instead of your paper, it could be me that's missing.
Don't try to cheer me up.
You know, I've got half a mind -- / Well, you've got no argument here.
Well / So help me, Miss Fine, if I don't get that Shakespeare back -- You know, you can't bully me, Maxwell Sheffield.
I am not some weak woman -- Hiiii Hi Look at her.
The minute he arrives, she gets so Docile, sir? / Yes.
How does he do that? Fran, I don't want you to panic.
/ What? What? We had to release him.
He's going to do community service.
Oh, what kind of justice is this? He mugs me, and he walks? That's the way the system works.
We lock 'em up; they let them out.
Meanwhile, I ate a couple of bing cherries in the A & P, and I'm rustled to the ground like Squeaky Frome.
Look at you, you sweet little thing.
What you need is a man around the house.
All right.
That's it.
First of all, there is a man around the house.
I'll lay out your pajamas, sir.
Would you like warm milk or cocoa? Thank you, Niles.
You're fired.
And, secondly, there is absolutely nothing sweet about her.
Weren't you headed upstairs? / She happens to be brave, confident, and gutsy.
And you've turned her into a simpering, whimpering child again.
Anyway, I don't like what you've done to her.
This is not the woman I know and, and know.
Oh, Mr.
Sheffield.
/ So, thank you for stopping by, officer.
She'll be just fine.
So why don't you just run along and write some tickets.
Huh? Great.
I'll start with the limo parked out front in the red zone.
Go ahead.
Do the ticket.
Do ten bloody tickets.
I don't care? I feel sorry for that poor bloke whose limo it is.
Now, come on, Miss Fine, when you fall off a horse, it's very important that you get right back on.
Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, that horse analogy never worked with me.
If I fall off a horse, I'm calling Jacoby & Meyers.
Meanwhile, that little talk Brighten had with Miss Babcock seems to be working out well.
Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me? Yeah Oh, my God, it's a mugger.
There's the mugger.
Miss Fine, Miss Fine, calm down.
That's not him.
Honestly, every corner we turn, you think you've seen your assailant.
Well, that other one really looked like him.
That was Yoko Ono.
Yoko Ono.
Oh, I love the way she sings.
Ahhhhh! / It's all right.
I know, I've got the album.
No.
No.
Ahhhh! The mugger, the mugger, the mugger.
Oh, God, it's you.
No.
Don't be scared.
I'm not scared.
This man is an expert at Tai Babalonia.
That's -- that's tae kwon do, Miss Fine.
/ Oh.
I'm bad, I'd bad.
Ahhhh! / Ahhhh! Oh, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I swear I've never stolen anything before in my life.
I've been dying to tell you, but I'm not allowed within 40 feet of your house.
Why? Are you single and Jewish? You see, I'm just down on my luck.
I can't pay my bills.
Well, get a job.
/ They repossessed my car.
Take a bus.
/ I had to move in with my mother.
Oh, give him a 50.
I don't know how to make it up to you, but I thought I'd start by returning something that looked really important.
Oh, my lipstick, my lipstick.
Oh, my God, my Shakespeare.
Say, if you're a Shakespeare fan, there's a festival in New Jersey.
I'd be honored if you'd let me treat you to two tickets.
I don't think so.
/ Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, the kids are gonna be away all weekend at tennis camp, and besides we would pass by the Donna Karan Outlet Store in Secaucus.
You know what? We'll go on Saturday, but not too close, cause it's very talky, and they spit.
Bless you.
Thank you.
Miss Fine, to borrow from your vernacular.
I'm not schlepping out to New Jersey just to relieve your mugger's conscience.
Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, forgive and forget.
Like my grandmother always says, "All's well that ends well.
" That's from Shakespeare, Miss Fine.
And, again, she got nothing.
Don't look, Miss Fine, but there's a man in a French coat headed this way.
Oh, no, that guy's just selling Rollexes.
You know, I should get one for my father.
Ah, come here.
Open up.
Let me see what you got.
Ohhhhh! Oh, I'll tell you "Hamlet" is my new favorite play -- people eating prime ribs with their hands; everybody stabbing each other in the back.
I'll tell you, put "Felonious" in a powder blue tux, you got my cousin Claudine's wedding.
Oh, it's good to have you back, Miss Fine.
I missed you.
Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, is that you talking, or is it that bottle of Don Corlioni we had in the limo.
That's Dom Perignon, Miss Fine.
/ Oh, whatever.
Oh, Miss Fine Fran Mr.
Max? Oh, my God.
/ We've been cleaned out.
What are the odds the one night that we went to the theater? I'd say the odds are pretty good when the robber gives us the bloody tickets, Miss Fine.
Goodness in everyone, hey? / Well, at least he left the one thing that can't be replaced.
Niles.
/ Oh, yeah, Niles.
Oh, oh, the alarm company called me.
I came as far fast as I could.
Oh, my God.
I wonder if he took the Monet.
You're right, my earrings.
Go ahead, Maxwell.
See what's missing.
I'll untie Niles.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Thank you.