According To Jim s02e27 Episode Script

Hi, Mommy.
Sweetie.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey.
Okay, hand me that.
Honey, what did I tell you about eating food off the floor? That's just for Daddy.
That's right.
All right, now go down to the kitchen, get a clean one and eat it there.
Okay.
(EXCLAIMS) Oh, baby! Oh, Cheryl, will you stop obsessing over that stupid baby report card? The pediatrician said Kyle was perfect.
I just don't get it.
His height and weight are right down the middle but his head size is just off the chart.
I gave birth to Mr.
Potato Head.
Mmm.
(DOOR OPENS) Hey.
Oh, well, son of Mr.
Potato Head.
(LAUGHS) Cheryl, I have got some great news that's gonna knock your socks off and hopefully your shirt and pants too.
Oh! We got a free trip to Vegas! Yeah, Sin City, Bugsy Siegel's folly in the desert.
Did you want to tell them? Yeah.
Wait, we got a free trip to Vegas? Well, not exactly "we.
" Yeah, no, no, it's a business trip, okay? This foam insulation company is sending me and Jim to a trade show to demonstrate their new product.
Did you want to tell them that too? Yeah.
So it's just you and Andy? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Dana, you want to come? What? Well, we need an assistant for the demonstration.
And as an added bonus, she's like a human rabbit's foot.
Oh, no, you guys.
That time at the riverboat casino was just a fluke.
Oh, come on, I made I don't even know what that is.
And I won 50 at the slots and that rash on my inner thigh cleared up.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry, I am not going without Cheryl.
Ha! All right.
But if you wanted to come, the company would pay for your whole trip plus 50 bucks a day.
I'll get you something really nice from the gift shop.
Oh! Jim, I don't believe you.
What? We haven't been on a vacation since I don't know when.
Oh, baloney! What about that time we went downtown for five nights and they waited on you hand and foot.
The hospital? Well I was giving birth to your son.
Cheryl, you didn't have to cook, did you? All right, fine.
Fine.
But if you're gonna go on a vacation, I'm gonna go on a vacation.
What? And if you're not taking us with you, then I'm taking the kids to Hawaii.
Well, I Yeah, first class.
On a yacht.
Oh! Presidential suite.
All right.
All right.
All right.
Family vacation in Vegas.
(EXCLAIMS) All right, pack your bags and shave your legs.
Oh! (LAUGHS) (GIGGLES EXCITEDLY) Well, I'm off to the mall.
I saw this pair of shoes that really say Vegas.
In what way? They have the word "Vegas" written on them.
Hey, I'll go with you.
I could use one of those Mrs.
Smetzel's Pretzels.
They are so good.
I swear there's nicotine in them.
Okay, what's up? You hate Vegas.
Okay.
Can you keep a secret? Not if you tell it to me.
From Jim? Oh, okay, my pleasure, spill.
All right, you ready? Yeah.
I've been keeping in touch with Jim's sister.
Roxanne? Oh, my God.
Yeah.
I've been trying and trying to figure out a way to get them talking again.
Well, a year ago, she moved to Vegas.
This is perfect.
It's like destiny.
Okay, wait a minute, Cheryl, don't they hate each other? Oh, Dana, come on.
If they really hated each other, they would have signed the police report.
(EXCLAIMS HAPPILY) Blackjack! I can't lose.
Thank you, rabbit's foot.
(SIGHS) (STAMMERING) (GRUNTING) Hey, how's it going? Oh, I hope you have your oven mitts on, because I am on fire.
Yeah, Maverick here is up 22 bucks.
All right, look.
You know what? I gotta go to the bathroom.
I've been standing here for two hours.
(GRUNTS) Fine.
Fine, go.
Uh, can we play this one just for fun until she gets back? Oh! Busted.
Well, Cheryl, I guess you're not any luck.
Must've used it all up when you met me.
That's right, honey, you're the jackpot that just keeps paying off.
(LAUGHING) Ding, ding, ding, ding.
That's right, sweetie.
Hey.
You know what I always think is great about Vegas? What? Fifty shrimp for a buck? Yeah, yeah.
That.
That.
But also, with all the millions of people from around the world, Right.
you can actually run into someone you know.
Oh, yeah? Did you see somebody? Yeah, darned if it wasn't your sister.
(MOUTHING) What? She's here? What? Yeah, I was surprised too.
Oh! Look, here's Roxanne now.
Hey, Jimmy.
I see Daddy's forehead finally came in.
So did Mama's mustache.
What the hell are you doing here? Besides stopping traffic with a rack that just won't quit? Cheryl called.
Oh, yeah? She said you wanted to patch things up.
Well, yeah.
That's great.
Can I speak to you for a second? Excuse me, Sis.
We'll be just one second.
Family vacation? I knew you had an exterior motive.
It's ulterior, Jim.
Oh, yeah, like I'm gonna believe anything you say right now.
All right, this is why I wanted to come.
But, honey, it's just that I care about you.
Come on, it's not natural to be cut off from your own family.
Cheryl, I cut her off because I don't want her anywhere near our family.
I don't want Shh.
So she owes you a little money.
Oh, it's not about that.
I've forgotten about the $4,567.
19.
Roxanne is not good.
You've seen how she uses people.
She doesn't even think twice about it.
I know, honey.
I know it's been that way in the past.
People do change.
My sister does not change.
Oh, really? You know that guy Rick? He's out of her life.
She said that the last time.
She always says that.
Then the guy running the Tilt-A-Whirl takes off his shirt and she falls in love all over again.
Oh, he'll be back in a second.
Just set it down, honey.
Jim What? She's never even met Kyle, her own nephew.
Isn't that sad? Yes, it's sad.
But I don't want to get sucked up into that screwed-up world of hers again, ever.
(GRUNTING) I want her out of my casino.
All right, all right.
Quit giving Cheryl a hard time.
Just take this.
It's for you.
What's this? It's called a check.
If you take it to a bank, the nice people turn it into money.
A hundred and fifty bucks? Put it towards what I owe you.
I know it's not much, but it's a start.
Wow.
You've never paid me back for anything.
Jimmy.
I know you don't believe me but I really have turned things around.
Hey, she even has her own business here in Vegas.
Tell him, tell him.
Oh, yeah, I'm a hair stylist.
I paid my way through beauty school working as a magician's assistant.
Oh.
Yeah, check it out.
Okay, Roxanne, I get it.
I get it.
I get it.
Roxanne, I get it.
Come on, what do you say? Can I buy my big brother a cup of coffee? Yes, he'd love it.
(MOUTHING) Is that on top of the $150? Sure, I'll let you leave the tip.
All right, Roxanne.
'Cause I'd never leave a tip.
Oh So there's this wet cement in front of our Uncle Paul's restaurant.
Oh, please.
And everybody else is writing their names in it with sticks.
But little Jimmy here drops trou and plants his butt cheeks right in the middle of it.
(ALL LAUGHING) You know, he still does that with every foundation we pour.
Oh, come on.
What can I say, I like to sign my work.
All right? Aunt Roxanne, I like your nails.
And I like your make-up.
You can really see it.
Oh Well, you know what? The key is the foundation.
You want to know who gave me that tip? Barbara Mandrell.
Last time she played here.
She knows Barbara Mandrell like I know Howie Mandrell.
Roxy.
Roxy.
Oh, hey, Wayne.
Hey! Good to see you.
I just popped in for a little key lime pie but it seems that things have gotten a lot sweeter.
(LAUGHING) Oh, stop! Hey, everybody, this is my friend Wayne.
Hi.
Hey.
Oh, my God.
You're Wayne Newton.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Hi.
How're you doing? Okay, you probably don't remember this but when I was in the fourth grade I went to see you at Rosemont Horizon.
And you looked right out into the audience and you said, "There's" "There's a young lady that's gonna grow up "and break many, many hearts.
" Oh, my God.
You remember.
How could I forget? I say that every show.
Hey, Wayne, I want you to meet my big brother Jim and his family.
Hey.
Nice to meet you.
Hi.
How are you, Wayne? Hey, good to see you.
Oh! This is the This is the butt in the cement guy? Yeah.
Yeah.
That's me.
Yeah, yeah, he likes to make a good impression.
My wife.
Thank God she's beautiful, right, Wayne? And by the way, my wife wanted me to say thank you because she was thrilled with the new 'do that you gave her.
Oh Well, tell her I said Danke Schoen.
(ALL LAUGHING) You're really a special lady.
Thank you, Roxy.
Wayne, your wife's already getting a 20% discount.
You can stop kissing my butt.
See you, guys.
See ya.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
You cut Wayne Newton's wife's hair! That is so cool.
Yeah.
And I'll have a lot more high-class clients like that once I get my chair.
Your chair? Well, you have to rent the chair space in a hotel salon.
Then you start making the big bucks.
Oh, and when I do, I'll be sleeping late and eating steak.
Wow, you are Jim's sister.
Oh, come on.
Aunt Roxanne, can you come on the roller coaster with us? Okay, but I gotta warn you, I'm a screamer.
Are we still talking about the roller coaster? Hey-o! Wait a minute.
No.
Jimmy, I got this.
Hey Huh? Your sister's doing pretty well.
Well, I guess so.
You glad I stuck my cute little button nose into your business? Well It is nice to see her, you know, with the kids.
See? You gave her a chance and she rose to the occasion.
I guess anything can happen.
Got the tip, but there's a Canadian quarter in there.
Don't tell anybody.
When are you gonna start at the salon? Well, soon, I hope.
I just got to raise $2,000.
Somehow.
Did you hear that? Did you hear that, Cheryl? She was working me, did you hear that? Honey, she didn't ask you for anything.
Oh, no, not directly.
She's too smart for that.
First she gives me a little of my money back.
Gets me to trust her, then she hits me for the big chunk.
Well, forget it, she's not getting a dime.
I am not an ATM machine.
I am so embarrassed, you guys.
But I seem to have left my wallet at home.
Could I borrow five bucks to pay for the pie? Sure.
Thank you, Jim.
Oh, you're welcome.
I appreciate it.
Thank you.
Uh-huh.
Not a problem at all.
What? He's good for it.
(GROANS) God! I just don't get it.
I'm lucky for everybody except me.
I've been sitting here losing for two hours.
I blew my whole unemployment check.
Yeah, I'm sure those words have never been spoken in this room before.
(BEEPING) (COINS RATTLING) (LAUGHING) Yes! Excuse me, these cups are for winners.
Well, I'm off to get us all tickets for the best damn show on the Strip.
What's that? Oh! It's amazing.
It's Samson and Delilah, it's the Titanic, it's the History of the World, as told by 50 topless women.
Oh! Thanks.
(BREATHES DEEPLY) (GRUNTS) Hey, how you doing? Losing! Oh.
So, did you get Jim to change his mind about Roxanne? No, he won't budge.
Maybe he's right about her.
I think he's wrong this time.
I really think she's changed.
Well You really believe in people.
I don't get that.
I just wish I could help her get set up.
(BEEPING) (COINS RATTLING) Twenty-five hundred dollars! (EXCLAIMS) Twenty-five hundred dollars! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I couldn't be happier for you.
Look! Look! Look! Shouldn't I, like, you know, wear a life vest or something? The canal is only three feet deep, signor.
A person can drown in an inch of water, you know.
Hey, sorry I'm late.
Jim.
Hey.
What's with the hat? Oh, well, I thought it might get windy out on the water.
Cheryl, we are inside on the second floor.
There's a smoke detector in that cloud.
Yeah, well, I'm wearing a hat, you're wearing black pants with white socks.
So, let's move on.
Shall we? All right.
Oh, honey, look at this.
(LAUGHING) Isn't this romantic? Yes, it is.
Mmm.
Now we never have to go to Europe.
Yeah.
Nice try.
Thank you.
Signori, it's traditional for lovers to kiss when they go under the Bridge of Sighs.
Well, I don't wanna mess with tradition.
Hello? Oh.
Hey, sweetie.
Oh.
Oh.
No Whoa! We'll never get under that bridge with that hair.
Oh Wait, hold it.
Did Roxanne do that? Yeah.
She just wanted to do something nice for me.
Oh, yeah? Why would she want to do that, Cheryl? Did you do something nice for her? Honey, I mean Huh? All right, I won $2,500 at the slots and I gave 2,000 of it to her for the chair.
What? Are you nuts? How could you do that? What? I wanted her to have it.
I don't care, you don't get involved in that.
Why? Because she's my sister, not yours.
Well, she's my sister-in-law.
Oh, I don't care what she is to you.
You don't do that! Why are you getting so bent out of shape? Because I already gave her the $2,000.
Wow At least I got a hairdo out of it.
You know what I'd like to see in one of these shows? What? Emmanuel Lewis getting shot out of a cannon.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, hey, Jimmy, I'll be with you in a second.
Why don't you just grab a National Geographic? The one on the bottom has native girls in it.
You know what? I don't even care about naked women right now.
That ought to tell you how mad I am.
So I guess Cheryl told you how she gave me the money.
Yeah.
And I noticed you didn't tell her how I gave you the $2,000 already.
Did you? You made me promise not to tell her.
I was gonna give it back.
Oh, right, Roxanne.
Oh, here we go.
I'm the screw-up who always screws up.
Nobody ever believes me.
Oh, come on, Roxanne, you know, that little act might've worked with Daddy but it won't work with me.
Oh.
Well, why don't you just shut up and look on the counter? Right there in that envelope.
There's two grand in there.
Ouch! What do you want, honey? You got a lot of knots.
You are so full of it.
The only reason you're giving me this money is because I caught you in a lie.
Oh.
Is that what you think? That's right, Roxanne.
Well, I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna give you Cheryl's money too.
You know what? I'll take it.
Well, just tell me something.
Why did you give me the money in the first place? You know what? I don't know.
Maybe because I still had hope that I was wrong about you.
But you know what? I wasn't.
You love this.
As long as I'm the loser, you get to be the big hero of the family.
With your marriage and your job and your house.
Hey, everybody, look at me! I'm Jim! I've never been to rehab! All right, all right.
Turn it on me.
All right, but I'm done cleaning up your messes.
You better not be lying about this.
Oh, boy, $2,500 burning a hole in my pocket.
I'm thinking flat-screen TV in the bathroom.
Yeah.
Or we could blow it on something stupid.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, we could.
Stop.
Is that who I think it is? You've got to be kidding me.
Roxanne.
Roxanne.
What're you doing here? I thought you didn't have the money to do this.
Well, now I do.
What did you do? Rob a bank? No, I got the money from my new boyfriend.
What did he do? Rob a bank? No, he's a great guy.
He's warm and nice.
And unlike you, he happens to believe in me.
Hi, darling! Hello, butter muffin.
(CHUCKLES) Just ruined butter and muffins for me.
Yeah.
JIM: Next time on According to Jim.
Yeah, Andy, I gotta talk to you Oh, Jim.
I know what you're gonna say and don't worry.
The Andy-man can handle himself.
Of course, I don't have to, now that I'm dating your sister.
You gotta dump her.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
(WEDDING MUSIC PLAYING) (GROANS) Oh! Where's my sister? You mean my wife? She's sleeping in.
Had her up pretty late last night.
(DRUM SOLO PLAYING) I've made my decision.
Okay? Roxanne is my wife.
Now you two need to decide if you want to be in or out of our lives.
Does that sound like a patsy to you? Hell, no.
(CAR HORN HONKS) You know what? I gotta go.
(STAMMERING) Whoa, wait.
You're not going anywhere until you tell Andy exactly what you're doing.
Could you tell him? See, we're not really that close.
I have nothing to live for.
I'm a cuckold! Yes, a cuckold! We're all cuckolds if we don't have Fab-U-Foam insulation.
Jim, the hose! What? The Hose? Andy! Andy! The hose!