Are We There Yet? (2010) s02e27 Episode Script

Wow.
This video is crazy.
I mean, like, what is wrong with these people? Oh, you want to see something really crazy? Watchthis.
What is it? It's people on salvia.
What's that? You never heard of it? It's like a drug, but it's, like, totally legal, and they say when you do it, it, like, totally spaces you out.
Whoa! That's so crazy, right? Yeah.
He's all like, "excuse me.
I have to go to space now.
" I don't know.
I think it's kind of cool.
Yeah, if you want to be absolutely out of your mind.
Well, that's the cool part.
It only lasts, like, five to ten minutes.
How do you know? 'Cause I tried it.
- You did not! - Did! Are you crazy? It really wasn't that bad.
Until you end up on celebrity rehab crying and eating breakfast with a porn star.
It's not a drug.
It's an herb.
If anything, you might end up on celebrity kitchen.
Oh, well, that's different.
Sign me up.
- Serious? - Yeah, it's an herb.
I love being absolutely out of my mind, and I want to do salvia.
Oh, my God.
Cool.
Okay.
I totally thought you would be scared.
I'm scared of you.
Mom, dad, I'm home! Sweetheart, where have you been? You know I'm going out tonight.
You already have a husband.
Why don't you stay home and let the single women have a shot? Just because I'm married doesn't mean it's forever.
I'm keeping my options open.
As long as you keep your options open and your legs closed.
- Gigi! - What? That's my mother.
Well, if you want to keep it that way, you need to talk to her.
Mom, you're going out like that? Why are you acting all shocked? You were out.
Why can't I go out? Just because I'm your mother doesn't mean I have to act like I'm dead.
There's a difference between dead and dancing on the bar.
That was one time! That was not one time.
Mom, when were you out dancing on a bar? Hmm I don't know.
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.
What is wrong with you, mom? Nothing.
Anyway, maybe if you tried it, you wouldn't be sitting at home every night eating, watching reruns of hoarders, and working out with a shake weight.
Hey, I do not work out with a shake weight.
Anymore.
Anyway, I got to go.
Sleep tight.
Bye-bye.
Hmm I'm hungry.
Oh, my goodness.
Let's go.
Really, a shiny jacket? Good-bye.
Bye? - Oh, man! - Boom! Ha! See, that's how we do it in the hood.
One shot.
One kill.
You're good at this.
You better ask somebody.
Hey, Marilyn.
Baby, how many times do I have to tell you? You don't have to call me "Marilyn.
" Call me grandma.
Okay, sis, this is so awesome, okay? Grandma bought me a wy! A wii! A wii! Oh, a wii! I mean, I used to think video games were stupid, but it turns out, they're pretty cool.
Hey, I'm gonna go get a sandwich.
You want one? You're joking, right? No, why? Because you're despicable, and you hate me.
That's not true.
Everybody in this house knows I love you.
So white or wheat? Wheat.
Wheat it is.
Come on, Lindsey, baby, sit down.
Don't be a stranger.
Hey, you want to come spend the weekend with me in my apartment? Are you serious? Why wouldn't I be? Great.
I'm just gonna go ask my dad if that's okay if I can come.
Do you know where he is? I think he's in the garage with his buddy.
Hey! Boy! Come out here.
I'm ready for the second round.
And bring me some prune juice.
Hey, babe! Dad, what are you doing here? I'm working, babe.
You know I don't like nothing more than work.
I just love going to work and taking care of my wife and family.
But since your mom is going out tonight, I figured I'd come in and get a little extra done.
Hey, Lindsey.
Hey, Martin.
Who is this? Go ahead and tell her! This is my wife.
I got married.
You got married? - Can you believe it? - No! I know I can't believe it.
I mean, I didn't think you would get married until hell froze over, pigs flew, or prince showed up at the soul train awards with no mascara on.
Hi, I'm smart.
You look smart.
She is smart.
Actually, that's her name.
But I am smart.
She is.
Check it out.
How far does one travel in a light-year? Ooh, sexy.
Uh, congratulations.
Well, we better get going.
Martin is taking me to a seminar on feminist ideology.
Seminar, yes! There's nothing sexier than a roomful of angry, average-looking women.
Ohh.
- Bye-bye.
- Ciao.
Hey, how long did you have that outfit? Uh, I don't know.
A couple weeks.
That long? That's ridiculous.
It is? Look.
Ain't no daughter of mine gonna be walking around with two-week-old clothes on.
I want you to take my credit card, take my car, go down to the mall, and buy whatever you want.
Don't worry about if you overcharge it.
Just let me know, and I'll apply for a new one.
Okay.
Well, if it ain't my beautiful baby girl! Nick? Come here! Hey, Nick, what you doing here? Strip club close early? Oh, that's funny, Frank.
I came here to see my children! My flesh of my flesh! Come here, baby girl.
Whoo! Getting more beautiful every day! Whoo! You know what, Frank? At first, I was upset when you married Suzanne and moved in with my kids.
But now I see it as a good thing.
What, after four years, your brain done finally start working, huh? Oh, that's very funny, blade.
Man! Do you have another family you could go out there and abandon? Well, you know what? It's all right.
'Cause I could be a better man! But you will always be ugly.
Your wife don't think so.
Bam! That's right.
Frank scores the final shot at the buzzer, Frank, 3, Nick, nothing! Todd Bridges? Hey, Lindsey.
Mm-mm-mm! This is a really nice house.
What are you doing here? I don't understand this.
This is, like, the craziest day ever.
It's kind of like your whole world is upside down, huh? When you look left, you look right.
When you look right, you look left.
When you look up, you look down.
There are tornadoes rolling all through your life.
It's like nothing is what it's supposed to be, right? Wait.
How did you know that? What's going on here? Lindsey, you don't know? Girl, you are high.
What you talking about, Todd? Oh, no, no! I can't be high! I don't get high! You know who says that? People who are high.
And if anybody knows what it's like to be high, it's me.
Why are you dressed up as a king? It's a projection of your subconscious.
You don't remember being at Amy's house, smoking salvia? I was? Yes, because one minute, I was at home, watching little Wayne, attorney at law, and then I'm here.
Little Wayne is a lawyer? In your mind, I guess so.
Hey, how much of that stuff did you smoke? I don't know.
I didn't even want to do it.
You let your girlfriends talk you into that stuff? I guess so.
Same thing happened to me.
You know, one time, I smoked some weed and went on an audition.
You went on an audition high? I guess so, 'cause you do some dumb stuff when you're high.
Could they tell? Well, I don't know.
But all I know is, I did not get the job.
Well, what was it? You remember E.
T.
: The Extraterrestrial? Oh, my God! You were supposed to be the kid in E.
T.
? No, I was supposed to be E.
T.
Come on.
I'm gonna show you something.
- You shut up.
- You shut up.
- You shut up.
- You shut up.
- You shut up.
- You shut up.
- You shut up.
- You shut up.
- You shut up.
- You shut up.
- You shut up.
- You shut up.
- You shut up.
- Hey, hey, hey! How come he always gets to do what he wants, but every time I ask for something, you say no? Because you never do your work around the house like I tell you to.
And I didn't say no.
I said maybe.
Oh, no! See, that's another effect of the drug.
Sometimes you get the point of view of another person.
I hate you! I'm gonna get pregnant and become a stripper.
Hi, mom.
Dad? Hey, honey, how was work? Honey? Ew, Kevin, gross! What's wrong, baby? Baby! Todd, make him stop! I can't.
Once the drug kicks in, things just get crazier and crazier.
Kevin! What? Why are you dressed like that? I don't know.
Whenever you're tripping, a rabbit shows up.
Don't ask me why.
Excuse me.
But This is not happening.
Jerry Springer? What are you doing here? I don't know.
You're the one who's high.
Hey, would you like to be on my show about drug-addicted teen moms? Uh, I'm not a teen mom.
Not yet.
Hi, Jerry.
Hey, Todd.
What's with the outfit? It's not me.
That's her.
Lindsey! Front and center.
Uncle Terrence? What are you doing here? Even though you're about as high as 2 1/2 me, I'm still here to protect you.
Let's go.
Where are we going? Right now, you understand the effects of drugs only on you.
I want to show you the effects of drugs on other people.
- Can I do it? - Can I do it? Sure, Todd.
What's that? Hey.
"We are in the car.
" So where are we going? I want to show you where drugs come from.
But Amy said salvia is legal.
So are movies, but that don't keep people from buying illegal bootlegs off the street.
Right up there.
Are you sure? Are you seriously asking me if I know where to get drugs from? Oh, yeah, you used to smoke at that house.
And we're off.
Yo, pimpin', what it be like? Kevin? Oh, where I know you from, ma? I'm your sister.
Oh, okay, you on that erykah badu trip.
I see you.
I see you.
So what you want? I got Adam, Eve, kush, chronic, snow, rain, cookies, dental floss, booty juice, dub sacks, hype sticks, wedding bells.
What you want? I got it all.
I got it all.
You know what I'm saying? Hey, yo, step off, juice box.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Y'all really want to spend some money? Y'all need to spend it with me, man.
Please tell me that's not my father.
Hey, hey, hey, yo, baby zee! Come on over.
Ah, I got something for y'all.
Mm-hmm.
Watch this.
Hmm, hey.
What you want, daddy? Want me to tell you that's not your mother? What is she doing out here dressed like that? I'll explain it to you on the way home.
Oh, who are y'all supposed to be? Some kind of superhero or something? Well, baby zee got a whole lot of crime fighter in there.
You know what I mean? Mm-hmm.
So what y'all want to do? Give us a minute, playboy.
All right.
Y'all just go ahead and think about it.
Mmm! Don't take too long.
Look at that.
What are they doing out here? Those are the people involved in the drug trade: Dealers, pimps, prostitutes, tricks, suckers, crackheads, and junkies.
But Kevin is only 12.
Well, you're only 15, and you're doing drugs.
Why can't he sell them? So y'all make up your minds yet? Kevin, you shouldn't be out here on the streets.
- What about school? - What about it? I got this watch.
I got these sneakers.
I'm good.
Oh, snap! Kevin! Let's get out of here.
Did somebody get shot? I don't want them saying it was me.
- I done been through that.
- You have? Of course, he has.
That's why he's here.
If there's anything bad that can happen to you on drugs, it's happened to Todd Bridges.
Plus, I got two warrants, so let's roll.
And we're off.
Mom, dad? They're not here.
Can I get my bass back? Blah! Todd! How much longer is this gonna last? Let's see.
You've been high now for about About seven or eight minutes.
Eight minutes? I know it seems like a long time.
But see, that's one of the downsides about getting high.
You don't know how long you gonna be high.
I mean, it could be minutes.
It could be years.
And at first, it seems all fun, you know, but then you start getting all crazy and all paranoid.
You know, one time, I almost shot myself in the foot because I thought it was a rat.
Anyway, you got about another two or three minutes left.
Why can't I get out of this house? Well, technically, you're just trapped in your own mind.
That's it.
I can't take this anymore.
I have got to wake up.
One, two Um, you know that's not a real can of soup, right? Mom! Mom! Lindsey? Mom! - Honey.
- Oh, my God, mom.
What's the matter? Sit down.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so, so sorry, mom.
Did somebody do something to you? Because if they did, I'm gonna have to go to jail tonight.
No, no.
Honey, honey.
What happened? Just tell us.
I got high.
Lindsey! Wow.
What did you do that for? Have you lost your mind? What is wrong with you, man? - Lindsey! - Wow! What did you do that for? Have you lost your mind? What is wrong with you, man? Lindsey, you're on drugs? I can't believe you got high.
Wow.
Oh, my Lord.
What is wrong with you, man? Lindsey, you're on drugs.
Lindsey, you're on drugs.
Lindsey, you're on drugs.
Lindsey, you're on drugs.
Lindsey, you're on drugs.
Lindsey, you're on drugs.
Lindsey, you're on drugs.
Lindsey, you're on drugs.
Once you start using drugs, chances are, you're not gonna stop.
Do you know how many lives have been cut short because of drugs? Kurt Cobain.
Anna Nicole Smith.
Jimi Hendrix.
Ol' dirty bastard.
Chris Farley.
John Belushi.
Michael Jackson.
Now, drugs might look cool, but it ain't gonna be cool if we got to go to your funeral.
I don't want to die.
Mom? Dad? They're not here.
What? What do you mean, "they're not here"? Mom! Dad! Somebody! Where is everybody? They left.
See, that's another side effect of the drugs.
Not only do you lose your mind; you lose your family.
But I only did it once.
Me too! Girl, that's all it takes.
Where's all the furniture? Oh, that stuff? I had to sell it.
How was I supposed to pay for the drugs? You did what? Oh, easy now.
Girl, I got a lot of good stuff in here.
Don't worry.
We gonna have some fun.
You know, when you have the right kind of drugs, you don't need furniture.
You know, one time, I slept on a pile of used diapers.
Ew! Yeah, I know, but on a cold winter night, those things can be pretty warm.
Anyway, what you want? I got everything here, girl.
I got speed.
I got coke.
I got crack.
I got ecstasy.
I got heroin.
Let's see.
Oh, I got a tube of glue.
And then I got a paper bag and a can of spray paint in case you want to go old-school.
I don't want to do any of it.
I just don't want to be high anymore.
Are you sure? Because Miley Cyrus is doing it.
I don't care what Miley Cyrus is doing.
I just want all this to be over.
Hold that thought.
Oh Ooh.
Mmm.
Hello? Paris Hilton got caught where with a bag of what? What the hell is she doing running with the bulls? All right.
I'll be there in a minute.
That girl keeps me busy.
So are you sure you're done messing with all that stuff? Yes.
'Cause next time, it won't be me.
It's gonna be Charlie Sheen.
I promise.
I will never do it again.
I'm done.
All right.
You take care, all right? Oh, uh, Todd? Yeah? You left your bag.
You on top of that, huh? Mm-hmm.
You really are done.
All right, see you later.
No, you won't.
No, I won't, huh? Kevin! What? I love you.
I don't care.
Leave me alone.
Mom! Hey, honey.
You're not a prostitute.
What? Grandma.
You do realize I have a knife in my hand, don't you? Yes.
Dad! I need you to do the robot.
What? I need you to do the robot right now.
Lindsey, what is going on with you? Girl, are you high? Yes.
I mean, I'm not right now, but I was.
Honey! What are you talking about? Are you all right? You got high? On drugs? Okay, I don't know what you're gonna do to her, but whatever it is, it's got to be ten times worse than any punishment I've ever gotten.
I mean, any punishment I'm ever gonna get! I mean, unless I get high.
Mom, she thinks you're a prostitute.
You called her grandma! I mean Hmm!