Get Smart (1965) s02e27 Episode Script

( whirring ) Mr.
Smart? How did you get in here? I slipped your landlady a dollar and she let me in the back door.
Oh, you should have used the front door, it's only a quarter.
- Who are you? - I'm a Pussycat.
A Pussycat? Yes, at Frank Valentine's Pussycat club.
Oh, yes, of course-- the private key club where all the waitresses dress like pussycats.
Mr.
Smart, I haven't much time, and what I have to tell you could be very important.
- I'll make a drink.
- I don't need a drink.
I do.
Please, Mr.
Smart, I have to get back to the club.
I'm on a break and we're not allowed to leave the premises.
If they find out I've come to see you-- They'll fire you.
- They'll kill me.
- Oh.
That'll make it rather difficult to collect unemployment insurance.
Why don't you take it easy? Relax, sit down and tell me what's on your mind.
Well, I read in this evening's paper that Dr.
Herbert Von Solo the Austrian scientist disappeared.
That's right, Von Solo was here in Washington for some top-secret meetings.
He left his hotel early yesterday and hasn't been seen since.
Von Solo was in the Pussycat Club last night.
He was? Yes, I waited on him myself.
I brought him a cocktail, and when I returned he was gone.
Hm, that's strange.
Von Solo was one of the world's most highly-respected scientists.
He's a winner of the Nobel Prize.
- It just doesn't make sense.
- What doesn't make sense? That he would sneak out without paying his check.
Mr.
Smart, he didn't sneak out.
- I'm convinced he was taken out.
- What makes you think that? Because of certain things that have been going on in the club-- strange things.
What kind of strange things? - ( clock chimes ) - Look, I've gotta get back to the club.
I'll talk to you later, all right? Are you sure I can't fix you a drink? Oh no, it's against the rules-- Pussycats aren't allowed to drink liquor.
Oh, how about a saucer of milk? No, I must go.
Wait a minute, Pussycat.
Be very careful when you pass apartment 1C.
Why? - They have a bulldog.
- Okay, I'll see you later.
Hello, Chief? Max.
What's up, Max? Chief, Dr.
Herbert Von Solo did not disappear.
He was kidnapped.
Kidnapped? How do you know that? A pussycat told me.
Don't you by chance mean a little birdie? No, I don't, Chief.
I mean a Pussycat.
Max, get some sleep.
Chief, a girl who works at the Pussycat club was just here in my apartment.
She claims that Von Solo was in there last night.
No, Chief, she didn't give me her name or address.
Max, if what you say is true, then this could be extremely important.
Can you at least describe her? Let's see now, Chief.
She was a brunette, and uh, large brown eyes, small upturned nose, ripe sensuous lips, slender but voluptuous body and long shapely legs.
You've got to get hold of this girl right away! You bet your sweet life I do.
- Max, get over to-- - ( woman screams ) - Hold on, Chief.
- ( glass shatters ) Max, what happened? Max?! Chief, I just stuck my head out the window and saw two men push that Pussycat into a car - and drive away.
- What was that crash I heard? I forgot to open the window.
( theme music playing ) Find out anything, Chief? Yes, her name is Pamela Courtney.
She's an actress.
She took the job at the Pussycat Club so she could meet people - who might further her career.
- Oh, that's too bad.
I thought that girl could go right to the top.
Why do you say that, Max? notice that she had that certain indefinable something that makes a star.
You were only with her for five minutes.
When did you find that out? When she took off her coat.
Max, we're indebted to that girl.
She opened up our eyes to something that we should've realized right along.
What's that, Chief? There are Pussycat Clubs located in London, Paris and Washington.
In the past few months, four of the free world's top scientists have disappeared - from those very same cities.
- You're kidding! I never kid.
I have the information right there-- one disappeared from London, one from Paris and two from right here in Washington.
Know what that means? Of course-- Washington is in the lead.
Max, I wouldn't exactly be proud of that.
Well, it is my hometown, Chief.
Couldn't this be some kind of coincidence, Chief? I don't think so.
Believe me, 99, this is definitely no coincidence.
- What makes you say that, Max? - What makes me say that, Chief? We've discovered that every one of those scientists visited the Pussycat Club on the night he disappeared.
That's what makes me say that.
Why would brilliant, intelligent men want to go to a place like that? Well, there are several reasons, 99.
Men like that need a place to unwind-- a change of atmosphere, a change of scene.
But Max, there's nothing to do there except look at a lot of girls walking around half undressed.
Say, that's the best reason yet.
Chief, do you think that Frank Valentine-- the owner of the Pussycat Club-- is working for KAOS? That's my hunch, 99, but I need proof.
We have to catch Valentine actually in the act - of kidnapping a scientist.
- Chief, I wanna get involved in this case! - Sorry about that, Chief.
- Stop! As I was saying, Chief, I wanna be involved in this case.
Max, I want you to pose as a scientist.
That involved I don't wanna be.
on this assignment.
You'll pose as a German husband-and-wife scientist team-- Drs.
Fritz and Greta Braun.
Is KAOS after them, Chief? - They will be.
- What do you mean? We have a top secret laboratory in Heidelberg engaged in germicidal warfare research.
KAOS has tried unsuccessfully to infiltrate it.
I'll let it slip out that the program is headed up by Drs.
Fritz and Greta Braun.
Oh, I get it, Chief.
Then they'll wanna kidnap us and torture us to find out everything we know.
Since we don't know anything, there's nothing we can tell them.
Right, so they'll be forced to kill us! ( inhales ) Uh, you got any other assignments, Chief? - No.
- You mean to tell me, Chief, - that we're in this thing alone? - No, Max, we've assigned Agent Charlie Watkins of CONTROL West on this case.
- Oh, good.
Watkins is a good man.
- Watkins? Isn't he the disguise expert who makes himself up to look like a beautiful girl? That's right, 99.
Here's his picture.
That's a fantastic disguise.
Uh, what's he posing as on this case, Chief? We got him a job as a Pussycat in the Washington club.
- He'll be your contact.
- I can't wait to see her-- uh, him.
Here are your instructions-- you'll leave immediately onboard a special plane for Germany.
A car will pick you up at the airport, take you to a back road where you'll switch cars, drive back to the airport and take a jet immediately back to Washington.
- Have you got it? - Not all of it, Chief.
What part didn't you get? The part after we leave immediately.
I'll write it down.
- Good idea.
- Chief, what happens after we arrive back in Washington tomorrow? We'll check you in to a suite at the Peer Gynt Hotel, then you'll wait for Frank Valentine to call - and invite you to the Pussycat Club.
- Right, Chief.
Now I want you to memorize these.
Your lives may depend upon it.
- What are they, Chief? - They're your biographies.
They tell where you were born and went to school.
I know where I was born and where I went to school.
Not you, Max-- Fritz Braun.
do you speak German? Oh, fluently, Chief.
Max, how's your German? ( speaking German gibberish ) Max! Where did you learn to speak German like that? From watching old movies on television.
That was from "All Quiet on the Western Front," Chief.
- One of my favorites.
- I'll remember that.
- Lew Ayres was in it.
- You'd better be on your way.
And Louis Wolheim with a big helmet was-- Chief: Max! Don't forget, this is a most hazardous assignment.
The second you set foot in Germany, you'll be living in constant extreme danger.
Und damit gefreut.
What's he saying now, 99? And Ioving it.
Doctor, could we get a picture, please? ( German accent ) Yeah.
Could we get one of you seated on your suitcase - with your legs crossed? - Yeah, I would be most happy.
I meant your wife.
Oh, of course.
Doctor, what, in your opinion, do you think is the answer to world peace? - Cameras.
- Cameras? Yeah, cameras.
People should shoot pictures, not guns.
"People should shoot pictures, not guns.
" That's a very profound thought, Doctor.
Yeah.
This thought was given to me by an old friend in Heidelberg.
- Is he a colleague of yours? - No, he owns a camera shop.
Doctor, what have you been working on in your laboratories in Germany? Ah, that is a good question.
We have been working on two of the most important things for the preservation of human life-- - Food und water.
- "Food and water.
" "Und.
Und," dummkopf.
"Und water.
" Und how to contaminate them through germ warfare.
You will have to excuse us, but we have had a very tiring flight.
Und such a lousy movie.
I guess I know everything there is to know about Greta Braun.
- How are you doing, Max? - Fine.
We've been married for 11 years and we don't have any children.
- Good.
- Why is that good, Max? At least we don't have to hire a babysitter.
I wonder why we don't have any children, Max? stop questioning the biography? And stop calling me "Max"! From here on in we have to look and act and think like Fritz and Greta Braun all the time.
( German accent ) Oh, ja, good good.
Meine Fritz, liebchen.
- What are you doing? - My biography says that Greta absolutely adored her husband.
Yes? Well, my biography says that Dr.
Fritz Braun was a dedicated scientist.
He thought of nothing but his work No wonder we don't have any children.
( phone rings ) ( German accent ) Hello? Oh, ja, this is Dr.
Braun.
Who is this, please? This is Hans Frome at the German Embassy, Doctor.
We wish to welcome you and Mrs.
Braun to Washington.
Ah, that is very kind of you.
Look, uh, why don't I stop by the hotel, introduce myself and take you and Mrs.
Braun to dinner? Ah, yeah, that would be very nice.
- In an hour? - Uh, yeah, we will be ready.
- Auf wiedersehen.
- Auf wiedersehen.
I'm to pick them up in an hour.
Excellent! But before you bring them here, engage them in conversation-- question them discreetly.
Make sure they are who they say they are.
And if they are not?! Kill them instantly.
( laughing ) It's a pleasure to know you both.
Danke schoen.
Perhaps, you would like a little "schnips.
" - Schnapps.
- A "schnip" of schnapps? I'll wait till we get to the club.
- The club? - Yes.
I thought on your first visit to Washington you would enjoy someplace unusual and attractive, so I took the liberty of making reservations at the Pussycat Club.
Oh, ja, well, uh shall we get started? Ja, why don't we get started? We don't want to keep the little Pussycats waiting, huh? Come on.
Our reservations aren't for an hour yet.
Let us sit and talk.
There are so many things I want to ask you about home.
Yeah, home.
Home, "schweet" home.
And you are from Cologne? Correct.
Did you attend the University of Cologne? - Did you? - No.
Then I did.
Meine husband is modest about his education.
He likes to make jokes.
( chuckles ) But he was an exceptional student.
This is so.
I got all A's.
That's very unusual.
They don't give A's in Germany.
I know, I got the last ones.
Well, let's go see the Pussycats.
In a minute.
Tell me, Dr.
Braun, did you perhaps know a Professor Heinstock in Cologne? - Ah-ha-ha, Heinstock! - ( 99 gasps ) Of course.
Who didn't know - old Professor Heinstock-- - Fritz never met him.
- --besides me? - I studied with Professor Heinstock at the University of Frankfurt.
He has never taught in Cologne.
( laughs ) Oh yes, of course.
How stupid of me.
I think perhaps we should be on our way.
Oh, thank you.
It is a lovely place, Mr.
Frome.
I thought you'd enjoy it, Mrs.
Braun.
If you'll excuse me, I'll see if I can find Mr.
Valentine, the owner.
I know he'd be honored to meet you.
What do you think, Max? For a guy from the German Embassy who was just trying to be nice to us, - he certainly is nosy.
- I thought so too.
contact the Chief - and check out this Frome.
- But how can we, Max? If we make a telephone call, he's gonna get suspicious.
Hmm I've got it-- Watkins.
We'll get ahold of Watkins and let him do it.
Good thinking.
But, Max, all the Pussycats look alike in those outfits.
How are we gonna know which one is Charlie Watkins? It's really quite simple, 99.
All we have to do is look over all the Pussycats and the one with the most voluptuous figure, he's our man.
- Well? - They are here.
They checked out? He's a bit eccentric, but she is convincing.
I believe they are our people.
Mmm good! Prepare two special cocktails and put enough tranquilizer in them to make sure the Brauns are cooperative until they're safely aboard the freighter.
Frome: Miss Heilman, Dr.
Von Solo and now the Brauns.
That makes four-- we have finally fulfilled our quota for shipment to Peking.
You, take these two cocktails over to table seven and be quick about it.
I'll radio the freighter and have them send a launch - to meet us at the dock.
- Good.
Is that for table seven, honey? I'll take it.
It's almost time for your break.
Good evening, I'm your Pussycat.
What's new, Pussycat? ( laughs ) I make a little joke-- ( mumbles ) ( male voice ) Hello, 86.
- Is that you, Watkins? - Uh-huh.
This is Agent 99.
- 99, this is Charlie Watkins.
- Hello, Charlie.
Hi, there.
Better not use your own voice, Charlie.
Someone might hear you.
Right, 86.
Well good luck.
Yes, we're gonna need it.
Anything to report, Watkins? ( female voice ) I've turned this place inside out to find a secret passageway for them - to smuggle out their victims.
- Did you find it? - Finally.
- Where is it? There's a back door in the kitchen that leads to the alley.
The old back-door-to- the-alley trick.
What will they think of next? We're up against a tough lot this time, Smart.
We'd better move fast.
Here's what I want you to do, Watkins.
Contact the Chief and have him run an immediate check on Hans Frome of the German Embassy here in Washington.
Right away.
You know something, 99? With Pussycats like these, I don't know why anyone would wanna own a dog.
We'll be waiting for you at the dock.
Be there on time.
It's all arranged-- you get the Brauns, I'll have the car meet us in the alley.
Right.
The tranquilizer should have worked by now.
( whispers ) Valentine! ( male voice ) The Chief checked Frome out.
There was no such person connected with the German Embassy.
He-- Smart? Oh, no.
Hurry, get the Brauns.
How much do you think she knows? It doesn't matter, she won't live to talk.
Get in there.
( female voice ) If I get in there, I'll die! You'll die faster if you don't get in.
Move! Here they are, and most cooperative.
Excellent! Now all we have to do is deliver them aboard the freighter Red Star where Heilman and Von Solo are waiting.
We could set sail for Peking immediately! Escort them to the alley where the car is waiting.
Get in.
And now you, Doctor.
All right, don't anybody move! Stay right where you are.
- So you didn't drink your cocktail.
- No, I did not.
Who are you? Perhaps this will help.
I've never seen you before in my life.
You haven't? How about you? Well, I just happen to be Maxwell Smart.
Secret Agent 86? So a CONTROL agent? Yes, and this is the end of your little kidnapping operation, Mr.
Valentine.
Smart! ( both grunt ) Stop him, Frome! Take your hands off the ignition, Smart.
( gunshot ) - Max, are you all right? - Yes, I'm fine, Chief.
- Good shooting.
- How's 99? Oh, she's fine, Chief.
They just drugged our drinks.
How come you're not drugged? Well, I remember reading in the biography that Dr.
Braun was a teetotaler, so I made sure not to touch that drink.
- That was very wise, Max.
- Thank you, Chief.
Incidentally, how did you know we were here? Valentine locked Watkins in the freezer; Watkins found the hidden radio and contacted us on it.
Good old Charlie.
Uh, well, Chief, I guess I deserve a little congratulations for this.
Yes, Max, you did a fine job.
- Fine job? - Yes.
You could be a little more enthusiastic than that, Chief.
After all, I'm a hero.
I deserve a medal for this.
A medal? Yes, don't you realize what I've done? I've made the world safe for German scientists.
- Are you all right, 99? - Much better, Max, thanks.
Good.
How about you, Charlie? How are you feeling? - Still thawing out.
- Good boy.
Wonderful, Commander.
Thank you.
That was Commander Nye of the Coast Guard, Max.
He boarded the Red Star and rescued Professor Heilman and Dr.
Von Solo.
Oh, that's great, Chief.
Did they ever get that Pussycat who was kidnapped from my apartment? Yes, they got her too.
- Oh, good.
How is she? - She's in fine shape, Max.
I know that, Chief.
But how is she? - Fine, Max.
- Good.
Well, you've done a great job.
I'm gonna take you to dinner, and afterwards maybe we'll go dancing.
Knock it off, Smart.
I take enough ribbing.
I wasn't talking to you, Charlie.
I was talking to 99.
Of course, if you'd like to tag along, it's all right with me.
( theme music playing )