Hogan's Heroes (1965) s02e28 Episode Script

ANNOUNCER: CBS presents this program in color.
( theme song playing ) ten more of the new model-- all in the 70-ton class.
There are four munitions carriers.
Headquarters will be glad to get this.
KINCH: How much longer do those tanks go on by? HOGAN: Eh, you can just about see the end of the column now.
( crashing ) The vibration's loosening the beams.
I don't think this tunnel's going to hold up much longer.
Okay, Lieutenant, let's get a move on.
If this tunnel caves in, you'll be trapped.
Where will I meet the underground? They're at the end of the tunnel.
LeBEAU: Colonel Hogan! Roll call, Colonel.
They want us for formation.
HOGAN: Okay, LeBeau, be right up.
All right, Lieutenant, you're on your way to England with a complete description of the Third Panzer Division.
Good luck.
Thank you.
( sighs ) We'd better fall out, Colonel.
Well, we'll have to wait for Kinch to come up.
Boy, Klink is really steamed up.
All right.
Come on, Kinch, hurry it up.
( rumbling ) There goes the tunnel.
What about Bigelow? He's okay-- he's past the shaky part.
Come on.
CARTER: Hey, battle stations.
Here comes Klink.
Colonel Hogan, I hope you will forgive me for mentioning it, but we've been trying to get your attention.
You have? How? ( blows whistle ) But, Colonel, with all those tanks going by and all that noise, how could we hear one little whistle? Schultz, they didn't hear a thing.
What do you think about that? The tanks are a little bit noisy.
Schultz, shut up! I don't want your opinion, even when I ask for it! Now, Hogan, there is another little matter I've been meaning to bring up.
Do you have a moment? At your beck and call.
Have you noticed how sloppy your men have been lately? Sloppy? What do you mean, sloppy? What in the world?! That's a terrible thing to say.
It isn't just their physical appearance, but it's the way they keep the barracks looking like a pigsty.
Pigsty? A pigsty?! Aw, that's not fair at all.
Looks more like a stable to me.
It might also interest you to know that the Inspector General was here last week.
Sorry I missed him.
He didn't miss you.
This morning, I received his rating report for the entire camp "G"-minus.
Is that a passing mark? That is next to the lowest.
Commandant, you mean we've worn out our welcome here? Fellas, let's pack and get out, huh? Ah, ah-ah, ah-ah! You all find this very amusing, huh? Why don't we all be amused, huh? ( laughing ) ( cackles ) Well, so much for humor.
We've been waiting for you.
Oh.
Do join us for the formation whenever you find the time.
Certainly was in a jolly mood.
I never saw Klink so pleasant.
For him, that was happy.
HOGAN: Yeah, and the only time Klink is happy is when he's got something rotten going.
That's right-- he acts like he's got us where he wants us.
Where is that? Wherever it is, I don't like the neighborhood.
Come in, come in.
Colonel? Yes, Hogan.
Colonel, I couldn't resist the temptation to come in and compliment you on your good sportsmanship.
You fooled me.
I thought for sure you'd be angry with the bad rating.
Why should I be angry, Hogan, when I know that the next report from the Inspector General will be a perfect rating? Double "E", double plus.
You're going to bribe the Inspector? Oh, don't be ridiculous, Hogan.
In the German army, you don't bribe the Inspector General.
I mean, uh, not on a colonel's pay.
Oh, no.
I might say that I have a secret weapon.
( knocking ) Come in! Sergeant Reinhold Franks, reporting for duty to Commandant Klink for duty as ordered, sir! Your, um, secret weapon? Uh-huh.
My secret weapon.
( whistle blowing ) It took you one minute and 53 seconds to fall out after the whistle.
According to regulations, for the time is of essence, to complete formation, you are allowed 48 seconds.
As punishment, you will fall out one hour earlier tomorrow morning.
( men shouting ) Talking in ranks is also against the regulations.
For that, you will fall out two hours earlier tomorrow morning.
( prisoners booing ) Does the Commandant have anything to say to the men before the work detail? Nothing wrong, Sergeant.
Everything is fine.
Just perfect.
Right face! Double time! Hut! Eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei eins, zwei That Sergeant Franks is a great believer in regulations.
Yeah.
There ought to be a regulation against him.
Where'd you get this prize package? Major Meiling from Stalag Eight gave him to me.
Yeah, well, the Major's going to have to answer for this at the war crime trials.
I thought it was very generous of him.
You know, Stalag Eight has had the lowest efficiency rating of any of the camps.
And ever since they've had Sergeant Franks, they've been getting perfect ratings: double "E", double plus.
And that's what we're going to get from now on.
FRANKS: Eins, zwei, eins, zwei eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins zwei Klink, you know, this is the kind of thing that gives a prison camp a bad name.
How'd it go? That Kraut never heard of walking.
He had you running all day? Oh, no.
We stopped to rest and pull weeds.
I'll never play the violin again.
You don't play the violin.
I know, but he doesn't know that.
Everything is regulations-- according to the book.
We gotta clear out that tunnel, but you guys aren't in any shape to work.
What is he running for? What? What? Why do you let him do it, Schultz? Why do you let him push you around? There must be some regulation that lets him do it.
He knows them all.
But you're both sergeants.
He can't order you around.
You're the same rank.
That's right.
Who's he think he is? Yeah, who does he think he is? Tell him off, Schultz.
I will! Nobody pushes Sergeant Schultz around! Nobody! Who does he think he is? He better not start up with me.
All right, everybody on his feet! Up, up, up! Don't do that.
It is forbidden to rest on the beds during the day.
This will be reported.
HOGAN: Do you have to report everything, Sergeant? I mean, can't you overlook something once in a while? That would be against the regulations.
( laughs ): Regulations.
Sergeant Schultz, I am putting you on report.
Fraternizing with the prisoners, uniform not in regulation order, and taking an unauthorized break during duty hours.
Yes, sir! Raus, heraus! Double time, hut! Eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei Hey, Schultz, what happened? Next time, I tell him off.
Hogan, you've had it too easy.
From now on, thanks to Sergeant Franks, all rules and regulations will be strictly enforced.
Now, we'll show you how things are run in the German army.
This camp will have an efficiency rating that I will not be ashamed of.
( knocking ) Come in.
Colonel Klink, I have made out a report on Sergeant Schultz.
Violations of Article Six, Article 13, subsection "G", and Article 78, paragraph four.
H-Herr Kommandant, it is nothing.
I was only Nothing? Rules are here to be kept.
That goes for everyone.
No one is too big for regulations.
Now, remember that.
I have another report here, Colonel.
Would you please initial it so I can send it to Headquarters? Of course, Sergeant Franks.
You know, you're doing a wonderful This report is about me.
Yes, sir.
I felt it was my duty to make it out.
"Commandant's efficiency report six weeks in" This is outrageous.
Colonel, remember, no one is too big for regulations.
Sergeant Franks, I could have you broken.
Yes, sir, but I will have to write to my cousin about it.
What cousin? The one who works in Field Marshal Göring's office.
Does the Colonel wish to contest my report? According to the Article 17, a letter made out in triplicate can be forwarded No, no, no, no.
I'll have the girls make out the efficiency report.
I am sorry, sir.
According to regulations, the reports must be made out in the commanding officer's own handwriting.
But that would take weeks.
Sergeant Franks, you strike me as the kind of guy that would turn in your own father.
Colonel Hogan, at this very moment, my father is in a labor camp in east Prussia.
I knew it.
Colonel Klink, I did not mention it in my report, but the Führer's picture is not properly hung.
According to regulations, it must be eight inches above eye level.
Thank you so much for not reporting it.
Do I have to hang it myself? No, sir, that can be done by anyone, but he must wear gloves.
Now, there's a regulation I can understand.
I wouldn't touch it myself without gloves.
You look like a bunch of old men.
That's what we are.
We're old men.
You should have seen us this morning.
We were young men.
One thing's for sure.
We got to figure some way to get rid of Franks.
Got to figure some way to do it.
It's either him or us.
This can't go on, even if we have to ( sighs ) All right! All right! Everybody up! Up! Up! Up! Don't do that.
I am here to inspect the barracks, Colonel.
Well, as you can see, they're still here.
( tape measure sliding ) The bunks are How about that? Regulations say bunks must be 27 inches apart.
We needed the space for dancing.
Guards are not allowed to joke with prisoners of war.
Article 15, Paragraph Six.
It's a formal inspection.
Aha! I always use a black glove, myself.
That way, the dirt doesn't show.
I know-- Article 15.
Dirty bunks and dirty walls.
From now on, this barracks is on half rations, and all recreation periods are canceled for a month.
Well, there go the polo matches.
( men shouting ) I want this barracks scrubbed down-- every inch.
Use a toothbrush in the corners.
I want to be able to eat off the floor.
I'm not too crazy about your eating habits, but if that's what you want Halt! Rechtsom! Schultz.
Jawoh Oh, it's you.
I thought it was Yeah, I know, Schultz.
You know, you're acting different lately, Schultz.
It's terrible, isn't it? Oh, awful.
You've lost your charm.
I know.
Colonel Hogan, please, couldn't you get rid of him? What are you suggesting? I want you to suggest.
We're on the same side now.
Franks is the enemy.
( yelling in German ) What's new, Max? You tell me, Colonel.
We're still waiting for Lieutenant Bigelow.
Bigelow? We sent him out through the tunnel yesterday.
My men have been watching the end of the tunnel every minute.
He never came out.
Then he's still in the tunnel.
He must've got caught in the cave-in.
That means Bigelow Don't say it.
I don't know.
All right, fellas.
Everybody up! Don't do that, sir.
KINCH: Something wrong, Colonel? Plenty.
Bigelow's still in the tunnel.
What? He's still down there? But he was past the part that caved in.
He never got out.
Let's start digging and hope for the best.
Schultz coming! What's going on? We have no time, Schultz.
You better make time.
The Commandant wants to see you.
All right.
Let's go.
Get going, you guys.
( knocking on door ) Come in, come in.
Oh, it's you, Hogan.
I thought it was, uh Yes, I know.
You wanted to see me, sir? Yes, Hogan.
I want to tell you I want to ask you How to get rid of Sergeant Franks.
( mutters ): Yes.
Don't misunderstand me, Hogan.
I admire a dedicated German soldier who lives by the rules, but He's getting in your hair, too, hmm? Sorry, sir.
Bad taste.
Look, why don't you send him back where you got him? Back to Major Meiling? He laughed when I called him.
He couldn't wait to get rid of him.
What about the other prison camps? Oh, I called them all.
They all laughed.
Everybody knew about this Sergeant Franks but me.
Hogan, I know you.
You can think of something.
You have a devious, cunning mind.
You don't have to flatter me.
I'll come up with something.
Eh, danke.
Are you, uh, thinking of something? I'm thinking ( snaps fingers ) Huh?! Forget it.
I've got it.
You have? What is it? Tell me.
Ooh, I like it already.
We rub him out.
Rub him out.
Bump him off.
Bump him off.
If he's standing in the street, we come by in a car with a Tommy gun and let him have it.
( imitates rapid firing ) Hogan, are you out of your mind? The Gestapo will get to you in ten minutes.
Oh, I don't know.
Cagney always did it, and the Gestapo never got him.
You've lost your confidence in me, haven't you, sir? I have six months of paperwork to catch up on.
Oh, don't worry, I'll think of something by then.
Hogan? You don't care what happens to me.
( door shuts ) Nobody cares.
Franks is coming! All right, get down in the tunnel.
KINCH: Right.
Tell the rest to keep quiet.
( knock at door ) Looking for something, Sergeant? The Colonel is up late.
Yeah, I was just gonna get some fresh air.
It's not against regulations, is it? The Colonel still likes to make jokes.
Didn't think you'd notice.
I notice everything.
Nobody fools Sergeant Franks.
Man would have to be a fool to try to fool you.
That's right.
( laughs ) ( laughing continues ) Oh.
The Inspector General is coming here tomorrow.
He was just here.
You have something to do with it? Through my cousin, who works Works in Göring's office, yeah.
Ja.
You expect a good rating? "E.
E.
" double plus.
Naturally, you'll get the credit.
Why not? Before I came here, the camp rating was "G" minus.
Oh, I see.
You're out to make yourself look good and Klink look bad.
Why not? That is how a soldier gets ahead in the German army.
Well, I hope you get everything you deserve.
I'll even help if I can.
Come on.
KINCH: Hey, I think we're almost through.
HOGAN: Bigelow! Yeah.
Hi, you guys.
You okay? Yeah, fine.
Oh, I'm glad to see you.
Here, LeBeau, get in there.
Come on, fellas, let's go.
Go! Here.
Give him a hand.
( Hogan grunts ) Here we go.
HOGAN: All right.
The rest are coming through.
Welcome.
Yeah.
It took you guys long enough.
I was just starting to lose my taste for sardines.
Eh, freak cave-in.
Looks like everything went but the middle.
Which is where I happened to be at the time.
For once, being caught in the middle is okay.
( chuckles ) NEWKIRK: Hey.
There's at least 40 feet before we get outside.
That's another week's digging.
We've got to get rid of the dirt.
Yeah, I know.
With that sergeant sniffing around, it's gonna be tough.
Look, we'd better get those sacks of dirt back upstairs.
We'll put them in the rafters.
CARTER: Okay.
Go ahead.
( whistle blowing ) Reveille? It isn't time yet.
KINCH: Two hours earlier for punishment.
Remember? CARTER: What do we do now, Colonel? We'd better fall out.
Franks inspected the barracks yesterday.
Does that mean he won't come in? HOGAN: If we're not out there in ten seconds, he will.
( whistle continues blowing ) All present and accounted for.
Colonel Klink.
Colonel Klink.
Hmm? Hmm? What's the matter? The men are all present and accounted for.
Did you have to wake me up just to tell me that? Oh, very good.
Very good.
I wish to report that the Inspector General will be here this morning for an unscheduled inspection.
The Inspector General? Why so soon? I assure the Colonel that we will get a top rating.
Colonel Hogan! You will see that your men are ready.
My men are ready at all times for anything.
I will inspect your barracks now.
Why bother? The place was just cleaned yesterday.
( softly ): The dirt, it's all over the place.
I will make sure.
You act like you don't trust us.
The Colonel is right.
I do not.
I want to go on record as protesting this breach of faith.
Give us a few minutes to tidy up the place.
Well, Sergeant, I hope you're satisfied.
Make sure it stays this way.
I understand you are a tailor.
Sometimes.
Schultz! SCHULTZ: Yes, sir! Yes.
Press my uniform.
I want it back in time for the inspection.
Is this soon enough? I can have you shot for this.
All right, easy, Sergeant.
LeBeau, I'm surprised at you.
You're not being friendly with our guest.
It'll be done, Sergeant.
Very good, Colonel.
You are sensible.
What else could we do? We're just prisoners, and you're the master race.
Bigelow, thanks for cleaning up the place, but what'd you do with the dirt? Threw it back down in the hole.
Good thinking.
Hey, that's great, Bigelow! Great! We're getting you out of here today.
Today? We won't have the tunnel clear.
You said yourself it would take a week.
I know.
He's going out through the front gate.
Front gate?! How? I don't quite know how yet, but it involves Sergeant Franks.
Well, I'll tell you one thing: I'm not pressing his uniform unless he's in it.
Take it easy.
Yes, you are.
But you're going to do a better job than he expects.
Carter, you still got some of that invisible ink that you made up for sending messages? Sure.
Why? What temperature does the ink begin to show? And body temperature is 98.
6.
That's perfect.
What's-what's going on, Colonel? Same time we get rid of you, we're gonna get rid of Sergeant Franks.
Killing two birds with one stone, eh? Let's just say we're killing one bird, and the other one's flying the coop.
I am sure the Inspector General will find everything in order.
I hope so, Sergeant.
The last commandant who had two "G" minus ratings was Colonel Feldgaum.
Oh, you mean Colonel Feldgaum from Stalag Five, huh? ( chuckles ) No, Colonel Feldgaum of the Russian front.
INSPECTOR GENERAL: This is the worst I have ever seen! I can't understand it.
You told me everything was in order.
It was just two minutes ago.
Get the men out here.
Jawohl! ( blowing whistle ) FRANKS: Fall out! Fall out! Fall out! Make it snappy.
Get into formation.
Get into formation! ( murmuring ) Get into the formation! Sergeant Franks, this is shocking.
Prisoner detail, all assembled and correct, sir.
( prisoners laughing ) Bravo! Bravo! Nothing up his sleeve.
Silence! ( men whooping ) Hey, show a leg there! Detail awaiting instructions, sir.
NEWKIRK: Oh, my good You're coming apart at the seams, mate.
As I, uh, as I said, awaiting instructions, sir.
Sergeant Franks, what is happening here? ( laughter, indistinct taunts ) ( laughter continues ) I do not know anything about this! This is treason! Turn this man over to the Gestapo.
But I am innocent! That's what they all say.
You're right, mate, the old story, every time.
Schultz! Hold this man till the Gestapo picks him up.
With pleasure! But I did not do anything wrong! Yes, you did.
You broke the regulations.
Article Two, Paragraph Nine.
You're out of uniform.
( prisoners laughing ) NEWKIRK: Don't forget to write, mate! Don't forget to write.
Naturally, Klink, I don't blame you for the condition of the camp.
He did it.
He won't do it anymore.
Gestapo.
You have a prisoner for me.
Which one of you is it? He's the one.
But I tell you, I am innocent.
I will prove it at my trial.
What trial? ( laughing ) My car broke down.
I have commandeered this truck.
( truck starts ) Put him in the back.
Well, Hogan, I got rid of him without your help.
I knew I would.
I never doubted it for a minute, sir.
Never forget one thing, Hogan: No one gets the best of Colonel Klink.