The Addams Family (1964) s02e28 Episode Script

They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
So get a witch's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family Lovely! Wait till you see how it really works.
Will you hand me another log, Fester? Thank you.
Are you sure it's gonna work? Well, there's only one way to find out.
- All set, querida? - Any time you're ready, darling.
All right.
Ready.
Aim.
Fire! I don't know how we ever got along without a flamethrower.
No housewife should be without one.
Think of the savings in matches alone.
Not to mention the efficiency.
Instant yak! Toasted.
- Morticia, can I try it once, please? - Of course, dear.
I'll give you something really to shoot at.
Pardon me.
Okay, light the cigar.
Gomez, dear, aren't you being a little reckless? Not at all.
It's only a nickel cigar.
Steady, Gomez! Uncle Fester, you have nerves of steel.
Now, only if his hand would stop shaking.
Don't you worry about me.
All right, Morticia, give me the countdown.
Ready.
Aim.
Fire.
Gadzooks, Fester! You set the stuffed bear on fire.
Maybe I should have had it on low instead of high.
You rang? Yes, Lurch, would you bring a bucket of water, please? Yes, Mrs.
Addams.
By george, you have to admire Lurch.
Never panics.
Thank you, Lurch.
Well, I'm afraid we're a bit late.
Dear old Smokey.
Up in smoke.
He was a great burner.
Just after I spent all morning polishing his fur up.
Polishing his Uncle Fester.
Did you use the E-Z Clean? I thought you said kerosene.
Natural enough mistake.
Yes, and besides we have plenty of insurance coverage for normal household accidents.
Of course.
The insurance company must have thousands of claims from badly-aimed flamethrowers.
Hello.
Double Indemnity Insurance Company? I'd like to speak to your manager, Mr.
Henson, please.
A.
J.
Henson speaking.
I'd like to report a household accident.
Damage from a burn.
A cigarette burn? No.
A bear burn.
Was the bear smoking? Hardly at all, and he went up just like that.
Madam, will you please give me your name? Morticia Addams.
Digby, come in here this minute.
Did I or did I not tell you to cancel all the Addams' policies? And I did just that, sir.
Their life insurance, car insurance, hurricane insurance, - endowment to the college - Household accidents? Household Oh, dear.
That one I forgot.
Wait.
It always opens by itself.
Well, open it.
Let me see.
Come.
Follow me.
Good luck, Digby.
That's 30 for Thing and none for you, dear.
Really, I thought I beat him once.
No, darling.
It was I who beat him.
Mr.
Digby.
Double Indemnity.
Good to see you again, Digby.
You remember my wife? No one forgets Mrs.
Addams.
Now, about your claim.
Could I see this bear you burned? Of course.
There he is, poor dear.
Just a cinder of his former self.
I don't want to quibble, but how do I know that was a bear? Well, let's use simple logic.
- Does it look like an antelope? - No.
- A zebra? - No.
- A giraffe? - No.
- An elephant? - No.
A tiger.
- No.
- A camel? No! - A gorilla? - Well No.
No.
Well, then it must be a bear.
Querida, with your incisive mind, you should be on the Supreme Court.
I do love those black robes.
Look, I hate to quibble.
How much money will you settle for? Digby, don't be vulgar, we don't want money.
What we want is another bear.
What else could possibly go with our decor? A bear may be a little hard to come by.
- How about a lion? - We already have one.
Stuffed? Well, he is after he's had his dinner.
Speak of food and here's Kitty cat.
Excuse me.
Well, that was rather abrupt.
He was in a hurry to settle our claim.
Excellent service.
Darling.
Read some more of Mr.
Poe.
He's so exciting.
Certainly makes the blood rush to one's head.
"Once upon a midnight dreary "while I pondered, weak and weary "Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore "While I nodded, nearly napping "suddenly there came a tapping "As of someone gently rapping "rapping" - Is that someone rapping? - I can't tell if it's rapping or tapping.
Querida, do you suppose it could be the raven? I don't think so, dear.
This rapping seems to be coming on a window.
And according to Mr.
Poe, ravens rap at doors.
Maybe this bird's a little confused.
- Darling, it is a raven.
- Looks exactly like Digby.
By george, it is Digby.
Digby, old man.
We're not accustomed to people lurking about our windows.
Is the lion around? - No, he's asleep.
- We'll wake him if you like.
No.
No, please! Well, speak up, old man, do you have our bear or haven't you? Well, yes and no.
I like a man who comes right to the point.
Mr.
Addams, we simply can't find a bear that big.
That's absurd, there are thousands of them running all over Alaska.
That's what he said.
"There are thousands of them running all over Alaska.
" If we gave people everything they want, we would soon be out of business.
Digby, there are two ends to running the insurance game, taking the money in and refusing to pay it out.
Maybe you'd better talk to him.
We'll go over there together.
Old Loophole Henson will show you how to handle troublemakers.
How sweet of you, Mr.
Henson, to take this personal interest in our little problem.
Oh, we believe in the personal touch, dear Mrs.
Addams.
No matter how ridiculous the claim may be.
I know just what you mean, Henson.
Would you mind reenacting the accident? Not at all.
Fester? Hi.
I didn't know we had company.
These gentlemen are here about our insurance claim, Uncle Fester.
Take your firing position, Fester.
Henson, if you'll just step this way, I'll show you exactly what happened.
Now, I was standing right where you are, the cigar in my mouth, and Mrs.
Addams uttered those fatal words.
Ready.
Aim.
Fire.
This is outrageous! Certainly is.
Fester, you missed that cigar by a good two inches.
Why, there isn't a policy in the world that covers a flamethrower.
Oh, that's not quite true, sir.
As it says right here in paragraph 42, subhead 18, fine print, article 12, "Fire is fire.
" Oh, I am glad you mentioned that, Digby.
You're fired! And so far as your policy is concerned, sir Gomez, I have a feeling he isn't going to pay.
Nonsense.
He's just playing hard to get.
Well, anybody got the want ads handy? Don't worry, Mr.
Digby, we're going to help you.
Now I'm worried.
We're going to take you under our wing.
Have a cigar.
The executive type if I ever saw one.
A perfect hit! Congratulations, Digby.
You are now in our hands.
Digby? Digby, I'm talking to you.
Oh, darling, these executive types.
The mere smell of success goes right to their heads.
It's no use.
I can't bring him to.
Uncle Fester, do you think you're charged up enough to do this? I'll give it a whirl.
Don't, don't.
I'm innocent.
Pull your self together, old man.
Must have been a dream.
I thought I was in the electric chair.
The chair isn't electric.
But Uncle Fester is.
Yeah, I'm really hot today.
- Let me out of here.
- Relax, Digby, you're among friends.
Please.
Call my enemies.
I got to get out of here and find a job.
That won't be necessary, you can go to work in any of my far-flung enterprises.
How far-flung are they? Oh, Africa.
Asia Minor.
Asia Major.
Haven't you something a little further? You name it, we've got it.
Before you make your decision, you should see all the opportunities.
You rang? Yes, Lurch.
Please bring the projector.
We want to show Mr.
Digby some opportunities.
Ready, Lurch? Ready, Mrs.
Addams.
Action.
Camera.
There's my mango plantation.
Lovely location.
Right next door to the most charming colony of cannibals.
Cannibals? Well, they're really nice fellas once you get to know them.
They keep inviting us over for lunch.
As guests? As dessert.
There's a real opportunity there for a go-getter.
Job of superintendent is wide open.
What happened to the last one? Dessert? I don't know for sure.
He was such a sweet man.
Dessert! Well, if the mango business doesn't appeal to you, here's my crocodile farm in Mozambique.
I've got a real opening there.
I don't think I care for that opening.
Gomez, darling, Mr.
Digby's right.
He needs something where he can rise right to the top.
I've got just the thing coming up.
My tapioca mines on the top of Mount Everest.
Now, the transportation is a bit tricky, but once you get up there, it's a veritable fairyland.
How do you get the tapioca down? You've hit the problem right on the head, Digby.
That's why we need a new manager.
Well, Digby, which one would you like to shoot for? With opportunities like that, I'll think I'll shoot myself.
Too many opportunities.
Too confusing? Well, look, you just go home and think about it.
I'll think about it at the unemployment office.
Poor man.
Fifteen minutes of unemployment and he's completely unhinged.
I have it.
I'll set him up in his own business.
- An insurance company? - Excellent idea, my dear.
I'll capitalize with $500,000 and amortize the principal over a 10-year period.
Darling, what does that mean? Who knows? That's the way I run all my enterprises.
Sometimes, simple faith is best.
- You rang? - Yes, Lurch.
We're going to open the Digby Insurance Company.
We want you to prepare a full-page ad for this afternoon's newspapers.
What shall I say? Well, use your own judgment, Lurch.
You have a wonderful flair with words.
Let yourself go, be lyrical.
With enthusiasm like that, how can we miss? Follow me.
Well, Digby.
What do you think? It's such a proud moment for him, he's speechless.
I can't do this.
Nonsense, old man, it's no trouble to help a friend.
What kind of a setup is this, anyway? Efficiency.
Everything under one roof.
There's our head of personnel and incoming calls.
Allow me to introduce our chief medical examiner.
There's our actuary and expert on life expectancy.
Really tight-knit organization.
- Any suggestions? - Just one.
Would you please take my name off the sign outside? Now, now, Mr.
Digby.
You'll never get anywhere being a shrinking violet.
Thank you, Thing.
Hello, Digby Insurance Company.
Morticia Addams speaking.
Well, we'd be happy to insure you.
You've been turned down by 17 other insurance companies? And you're only 96? Sheer prejudice.
Have someone wheel you over and we'll give you full coverage.
How is that for bringing in the business? You'll have every insurance reject in town over here.
Exactly, that's what we're specializing in, the forgotten man.
There's a perfect example, Digby.
Would you believe it? That strapping young fellow has been rejected by every insurance agency in the country.
How true, Cousin Itt.
And by Canada and South America as well.
And why? - Maybe he couldn't pass the eye test.
- Nonsense! He merely wears those glasses so people won't pester him for autographs.
We not only insured him, we made him a member of the staff.
He's in charge of small claims.
Customer.
Mrs.
Addams, would you take care of the gentleman, please? Yes, Mr.
Addams.
Yes, sir, may I help you? I would like to take out some insurance.
Life, fire, theft or earthquake? Life.
What are your rates? That depends on what kind of dishes you prefer.
Right! The higher the prices of the dishes, the lower the premium, or something like that.
If you don't care for dishes, we can arrange to give you a 3% dividend.
Provided you pass the medical exam.
Right this way, sir.
Well, Fester.
What do you think? I think with that beard, he needs fire insurance.
Sit down, please.
Now, cough.
Again.
Once more.
You have a bad cough.
- Well, what's the prognosis? - He needs a doctor.
Will the gentleman live? He has a chance.
Congratulations, sir, you've just passed the medical.
Now, if you'll just step this way, we'll see about your life expectancy.
Crystal ball, crystal ball, what do you say? Will he live for 20 years or only a day? Well, Mama.
What do you see? I see an imposter.
Mr.
Henson, what are you doing here? That's perfectly obvious, Digby.
He's here to spy on our advanced business methods.
Just for that, Mr.
Henson, no dishes.
Well, you can keep your dishes and you can keep your policy.
I was a little worried about the competition.
But this? This is absurd.
I've got the goods on this whole operation.
And as for you, Digby, I'll have you in jail for 40 years.
Don't worry, Digby.
I am also an attorney.
We'll fight this to the bitter end.
You are a very lucky man, Mr.
Digby.
My husband hasn't lost a case in ten years.
Or was that ten days? I'll have to check my records.
Well, don't bother.
Because you are not going to be the attorney in this case, you are going to be the defendant.
I'll have you and your whole family in jail.
We'd better make a run for it.
Nonsense, Uncle Fester.
This is sheer intimidation.
The Better Business Bureau will hear about this.
It certainly will.
Henson, just a moment.
In that case, I'm afraid I'm gonna be forced to cancel my industrial insurance with your company.
What industrial insurance? Mangoes Incorporated.
Tapioca Limited.
Crocodiles Unlimited.
Darling, you forgot Amalgamated Swamp and your buzzard farm.
You control all those companies? Give or take a few.
Wait a minute, if you pull all that business away from me, I'll be ruined.
We could give you a job with Digby Insurance.
After all, this whole thing is just a little bit of a misunderstanding.
I mean, surely there must be something I could do to make up to you.
Well, that depends on Digby here.
All I want is my old job back.
And all we want is a decent replacement for our lovely bear.
It's a deal.
Well, Digby, you're rehired.
Oh, thank you, what's my first assignment? Alaska! We're going to get these wonderful people the biggest bear we can bag.
Isn't it marvelous, darling, how people cooperate once they understand the problem? You have to hand it to Henson.
He really came through with a beautiful bear.
Yes.
It's too bad about his little accident.
Well, you have to watch out for those avalanches in bear country.
Still, he is lucky.
He's in the best hospital in Anchorage.
Gomez, would you come here a second? Would you help me fix this flamethrower? What's the problem? Oh, I don't know.
It's stuck.
Okay, you try pushing down the trigger and I'll look down the barrel and try to see what's wrong.
It's stuck, all right.
Oh, silly me.
I forgot to release it.
The safety catch.
Operator, would you get me the Seaside Hospital in Anchorage, Alaska, please? Hello, Seaside Hospital? May I speak with Mr.
Henson? Well, can't you take him out of traction long enough to answer the phone? Mr.
Henson? This is Morticia Addams.
I hate to bother you at a time like this, but I have to report another little accident.
Mr.
Henson? Mr.
Henson? Oh, dear.
I am afraid he's had another relapse.