Anger Management s02e29 Episode Script

I'm sorry, Jen, but as a rule we don't talk about your insane business ideas before breakfast.
Fine, we'll eat breakfast and then I'll pitch it to you.
Yeah, but then technically it'll be before breakfast tomorrow.
I don't really see a way out of this.
I'm telling you, Charlie, no one's ever done a food truck like this.
All we're gonna serve is turkey, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes and stuffing.
It's Thanksgiving all year long.
That's great.
You should also hire some family members to sit around the truck and argue about things that happened 20 years ago.
And I have a gimmick.
Whatever you don't finish, you give back to us and we serve it to you for free the next day as leftovers.
If you can find the truck.
If you can find the truck.
Hey, I'm going down to get a paper.
I love the obituaries in Los Angeles.
Everybody's famous here.
Last week a sound technician from "Forrest Gump" dropped dead on the crapper.
Yup, nothing but glitz and glamour.
I'll be back in five.
Two eggs over easy, bacon crispy.
You know how I like it.
Chop, chop.
Do you think rat poison would change the flavor of eggs? Why are you so impatient with him? He's been here three days.
Well, he's scared.
There was a robbery down the block from his complex.
He doesn't want to be alone.
Yeah, there's a huge market out there right now for pill organizers and pit-stained undershirts.
I've got to get him out of here.
I was thinking about buying him a gun.
Oh, no, Charlie.
One out of four shooting victims gets shot by their own weapon.
Oh, well, then I'll get three more just to be on the safe side.
So, Nolan, at the last session we talked about how you don't socialize enough.
That's crazy.
You mean socialize to go out and meet people? - Exactly.
- Oh, yeah, I don't do that.
Would somebody mind taking Nolan out tonight? Ooh, ooh, ooh! Dibs on not doing it.
Okay, I've got to respect dibs.
Patrick, you're up.
I think it'll help to have somebody else ease Nolan into a social situation.
Fine, but only for like an hour.
I have a horrible person staying in my home who I do not trust.
You don't trust me? You're the one that told me I won the lottery.
Do you think I like staying at the Courtyard Fairyott? Golly, if you two kids can't make it, I don't know what chance there is for the rest of us.
It's not me.
Every night I can't sleep because I'm listening to this guy get ready for bed.
Who in the hell dries his hair at night? People with, you know, hair.
I'd have hair if I used Rogaine like he does.
Rogaine? I don't why would you stay out of my medicine cabinet.
I just needed to borrow your deodorant.
Oh, my God.
You see why I'm afraid to leave him alone in my house? You've got nothing to worry about.
I already found your diary.
- What? - Oh, good, he's got a diary.
Okay, guys, we're out of time.
Patrick, treat Ed like a guest.
Ed, keep his stuff out of your armpits.
See you all Thursday.
Ed, can I talk to you for a second? I'm a little concerned that you and Patrick are gonna murder each other.
I hope half of that happens.
I don't.
I think I might have a better roommate for you.
How would you feel about living with my dad? Well, hell, Charlie, I barely know the man.
Perfect.
That's one of his best features.
Lacey, you've got to help me.
I am too preoccupied to take Nolan out tonight.
I'm dealing with this hillbilly ghost haunting my apartment.
He's just not dead yet.
Yeah, sucks to be you.
Bye.
Wait.
I know you called dibs, but if you take Nolan off my hands tonight, I'll give you $20.
I wouldn't do it for 20 million billion.
How about 40 and I don't tell Charlie you dented his car? - You did that! - I'm that desperate.
Sorry I took so long.
The cafeteria was packed.
When did this other couple get here? It's the same couple.
They're still going at it.
And she just had another orgasm.
Weird.
She's barely moving.
How many is that? Nine? Try 15.
Mm, I'd like to.
Should we stop them? It's getting late.
We can't stop them.
We're conducting professional research.
What we can do is turn it into a drinking game.
Good idea.
Every time she has a confirmed orgasm, we take a shot.
And she's off.
I hope you didn't make any plans tonight.
No, I'm happy to say that I'll be going home to an empty house.
I finally got my dad to go back to his place.
I thought he was afraid to go back.
He was, but then I convinced Ed to move in with him.
Wow.
I know.
Wait, how'd you do that? They barely know each other.
Well, I told my dad that he and Ed had a lot in common.
- That they're both, you know - Old? - Yeah, and - Horrible people? Exactly.
What's his secret? I think it's all her.
Hitting a pothole would get this woman off.
Don't you realize that having one of your patients move in with your dad is a recipe for disaster? No, but what I did realize the beeping is coming from the printer.
That woman's not having an orgasm.
She's out of paper.
All I'm saying is that she may be this country's greatest living American.
All right, Ed, I'll bite.
How is Dolly Parton our county's greatest living American? - Two reasons.
- Oh, come on.
No, no, it's not what you think.
Her songwriting abilities and her boobs.
Oh, please.
Oh, no! I hope to God that was the same woman.
Anger Management 2x29 - Charlie and the Hit and Run - Original air date July 25, 2013 She just came out of nowhere right in front of the car.
Don't worry about the woman.
The hospital said she'd be fine.
What you ought to worry about is the lawsuit because she's gonna sue you for every last penny you've got.
Why should I be worried about that? That's why I have insurance.
Insurance? That's good.
You got an umbrella? Because there's a tsunami coming and it speaks Jew and it knows the law.
Now I'm really terrified.
What, that they're gonna take all your money? No, that I'm living with you.
Look, the woman's gonna be all right.
But her lawyers ain't done yet.
If you got anything saved up, you better put it in a box and bury it.
I do have a little something put aside.
Well, then hide it, man.
Look, a friend of mine did that when he was being sued.
He passed his money over to a buddy.
And after everything blew over, the guy gave it all back to him.
Well, almost all.
I kept a few bucks for a down payment on a Dodge Dart.
But I can't hide the money with a friend because if anyone found out, then that friend would be an accessory to a crime, right? Mm-hmm.
So what are you gonna do? I'll give it to the family.
Okay, I was supposed to get you out of your house.
- You're out of your house.
- This is fun.
I told you not to talk to me unless it's something important.
Ugh, crap.
My sister's here.
She's such an annoying bitch.
Hey, girl, hey.
What up, girl? Oh, you look so hot.
Like you've been throwing up just enough.
Thanks.
I can't wait to talk to you when I'm more drunk.
What's up with Joe Dirt? Hey, Sateen.
Remember me? Nolan from group.
Oh, I don't go to AA anymore.
I'm cured.
Oh, look, there's someone else.
So, are you and Lacey Are we what? I mean, you know.
Are you guys together? No, she just went over there.
You're stupid.
Now seriously, what's up with you and my sister? My therapist asked this guy to take me out and he sold me to Lacey for 40 bucks.
So that means my family owns you.
Which means I can do whatever I want with you.
I guess, for tonight.
I don't know what my contract says after that.
I thought I saw LeBron James, but it was just this other guy I already dated because I thought he was LeBron James.
Hey, your sister's pretty cool.
You're stupid.
She said the same thing.
Sisters.
What do you think Grandpa wants to talk to us about? Maybe he dyed his hair and we're gonna have to tell him it looks good.
Well, I'm gonna be honest, unless it does look good, in which case I'll lie.
Okay, maybe he's coming over to tell us he's gay.
Lori Miller's grandpa came out last week and it was really exciting for everybody.
Except for Lori Miller's grandma.
Hello, everybody.
Hi, Martin.
How's it going? - Great.
- How are things working out with you and Ed? Ed? Ed's a big sweetheart.
- Oh, good.
- Sweetheart? I knew it.
What the hell is she talking about? It doesn't matter.
We'll never accept you.
So what are we here for? Well, everybody, please sit down.
First of all, I want you all to know that I love you all very much.
Come on, suicide.
- And in life - Darn it.
you take care of the people you love.
Now, I don't want to die an old man with a bag of money.
So I've decided to share my life savings with you three.
I have cashier's checks for each one of you for $35,000.
- Are you serious? - There you go.
- Grandpa, thank you.
- You're welcome.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
$35,000? - For each of us? - Mm-hmm.
Where did you get three times $35,000? I put away a little bit at a time and it eventually worked up to be 100 - And $5,000! - Yes.
Why have I been supporting you this whole time when you're sitting on this kind of money? Because you're a good son.
But I was also afraid if you cut me off, I'd need something to live on.
So, there you have it.
Now look, don't spend it.
Save it for a rainy day, all right? Because you never know when you or someone you love might need it back.
I mean, need it.
Why did I say back? So who'd like to go out to dinner and celebrate? Dad, I don't know what to say.
How about before dinner we make a toast to you? Jen, why don't you help me get a bottle of wine out of the kitchen? Sure.
Dad, are you dying? I'm fit as a fiddle.
Oh, we'll get the wine anyway.
This is so sweet of your father.
Sweet, my ass.
The man is up to something.
He's never given me money.
I was always late for preschool because of my second job.
He's just getting older and sentimental.
He wants us to put it in the bank so we have more security.
Ah, you're probably right.
You know what we should do? Spend it.
Spend it fast, spend it hard, spend it long.
This is my dad we're talking about.
We need to burn through this cash before he changes his evil little mind.
I'm buying a Corvette.
But, Charlie, he said to save it for a rainy day.
Yeah? Well, when that day comes, I'll turn on the wipers.
So, Patrick, I'm a little confused.
I thought I asked you to take Nolan out last night, not Lacey.
I know.
And I feel horrible.
It's probably the biggest mistake of my life.
A simple "I don't care" would have been sufficient.
I don't care.
So, Nolan, how was your evening? It would have been okay if he hadn't spent all night talking to my sister.
I hate her.
When she was little, she was always hanging around our house.
Yeah, that's the problem with kids.
They become entitled and they think they're part of the family.
Lacey, I was asking Nolan about his evening.
I know, and I'm telling you it sucked for me.
We're out of time, so I'll see you all next Thursday.
So, Ed, how are things going living with my dad? Oh, it's fine.
He's a good man.
Ed, what's what's going on with that money he gave us? Oh, I don't know nothing about that.
Sometimes a gift is just a gift.
It's not like he's hiding money or nothing.
Hiding money? From who? Look, I've said enough.
If you think I'm gonna say any more, you're sadly mistaken.
I was a prisoner of war in Vietnam and your daddy's a veteran.
I wouldn't sell him out for anything.
Ed, the police already called.
They just picked him up.
He's down there right now saying it was all your idea.
That son of a bitch.
What do you want to know? What's going on, Ed? Well, I just told him to pass the money to a friend, not a relative.
I didn't want to make you an accessory.
Holy God, what the hell did you guys do? It wasn't too bad.
We almost killed a woman.
Your daddy hit her with a car and he's trying to hide the money in case he gets sued.
All you got to do is just give it back to him.
You won't get in no trouble.
Give it back? What if I'd already spent it? Good thing I didn't.
Oh, crap.
Jennifer.
I told her to spend it.
Do you want me to go bail your daddy out of jail? He's not in jail, Ed.
Police never called.
I was just bluffing.
Oh, in that case, would you mind hitting me over the head with one of these pool sticks? I don't want to look like I rolled over too easy.
- Hey, Charlie.
- Why don't you answer your phone? - I've been calling you for an hour.
- Oh, sorry.
I think I left my phone where I bought my new truck.
You bought a new truck? It's only been 10 hours.
That's barely enough time to look at a brochure.
What's your problem? My dad gave us that money to hide it from some lady who's gonna sue him.
If we don't give it back, we're all gonna be in trouble.
What'd you get, a Dodge, a Ford? A Thanksgiving food.
You were serious about that.
It's a good business.
I told you about the leftovers, right? Okay, you know what? It's still a vehicle, which means we can still take it back.
I don't think so.
Mr.
Garcia very nice man, by the way he took the money I gave him for the truck and went back to Guatemala.
He's buying his daughter back from a drug lord.
I don't understand why we're going out again if nobody's paying you.
The last time we were here, all you did was ignore me.
I know, and I feel so bad.
And I want to make it up to you.
The only reason you're here is so that you and I can have a good time.
Wow.
You don't know how long I've been waiting Hey, Sateen, look who likes me better than you.
Oh, God, is that why you called? To make sure I was here? You are so sad.
And see-through.
Like Saran sad.
Hey, Nolan.
Once you're done caring for my ancient older sister, why don't you hang with me? Oh, no, no, no.
This stops right now, baby sister.
Nolan, sweetheart, darling, cookie face, tell Sesame Streetwalker here that you want to be with me and not her.
Is that true, Nolan? After all that time we spent in the booth last night yelling over the music and nodding like we could hear each other? I'm really sorry, Sateen, and I'll never forget everything I didn't hear you say, but my heart belongs to your sister.
That's right.
Now turn that ass around right now unless you want another nose job.
Fine.
Bye, bitch.
Bye, hooker.
Call you tomorrow, baby girl.
Love you.
- Hey.
- Come here.
You've got to see this couple from yesterday having tantric sex.
Are they moving? Yes, just very slowly.
How can there be a billion people in India if it takes this long to have sex? - I know, right? - Whoa, you're in a hurry.
My dad ran over an old woman and my ex-wife is buying a Thanksgiving food truck.
Mmm, not again.
The woman is gonna be fine, but I'm afraid the family is gonna sue, so I want to get over there and try to come to some reasonable settlement.
- Oh, so you're being proactive.
- Yes, I am.
That's a terrible idea.
Why? I want to try to settle this before the lawyers get involved.
If I don't, Jen's gonna get dragged off to jail in a turkey truck.
So you're negotiating out of fear.
You're gonna go in there like a little puppy dog, hoping they like you and listen to reason.
What you really need is a big tough dog who'll go in there and bite them before they bite you.
Sure, but where am I gonna get a big tough dog? Woof.
Now remember, you are the good cop and I am the bad cop.
Remember we used to play that game? You'd dress up in that little uniform and pat me down looking for hidden weapons.
You'd always find the same one and pretend to be surprised.
Yes? Can I help you? - Hi, is this the home of Joyce Lewis? - Yes.
I'm her son.
I'm Charlie Goodson.
My father is Martin Goodson.
And I'm his counsel designated to negotiate on his behalf.
Hells, yeah, she is.
Look, you can just give us a bill to repair the damages to your car.
We just don't want you taking us to court, that's all.
- Excuse me? - My mother suffers from dementia.
She probably jumped out in front of your father's car.
She used to be a stuntwoman and she misses the action.
Usually we stop her before she gets to the street by yelling "Cut!" That's very good news.
Except for your mom getting hit by a car.
Hey, she's a stuntwoman.
That's pretty cool.
Would I have seen her in anything other than my dad's windshield? We're gonna go.
- Come and get it.
- Hey.
I brought us some dinner.
I hope you like biscuits and gravy because I brought extry.
Did you just say "extry"? Yeah, I did, but if you don't like the word, I'll never use it again.
No, no, I'm right good.
It's very kind of you to do this, Ed.
Oh, a fella can be nice for no reason, right? I bought you a Bundt cake for dessert.
It's all yours just for being you.
Thank you.
Oh, hang on.
- Charlie.
- Hey, Dad.
I've got to go.
They forgot to put honey in for the biscuits.
- I got some in the cupboard.
- I prefer it in the package.
Leave me out of this and save me a thigh.
Hey, come on in, son.
If this is all about you coming over to thank me for the money again, you don't have to bother.
But if you'd like to stay for dinner, Ed bought extry.
You can stop pretending like everything's fine.
I found out the real reason you gave us the money.
You hit a woman.
I've never hit a woman in my life.
- With a car.
- Oh, yeah, I did that the other day.
You'll be happy to know they're coming after everything I own my house, Sam's college fund, everything.
Oh, no, Charlie, I swear to you I never thought this could happen.
Ed said you did.
Well, actually, I did.
I just never thought it would happen.
But, look, this is not a problem.
You just give me all the money back and I'll handle it.
I can't give it back.
We spent it.
You spent it? It's been less than 24 hours.
We got excited and bought stuff.
Oh, God, what have I done? Relax, old man.
We didn't spend all your money.
But I talked to the woman's family.
You know she's demented now? Oh, God, no.
So what you're saying is she can't testify.
You're unbelievable.
I can't even teach you a lesson.
The reason she ran in front of your car is because she already had dementia.
They're not gonna sue you, but I'm thinking about it.
Oh, no, listen, Charlie, I have learned my lesson.
I feel terrible.
Look, you just give me all my money back and I'll put my tail between my legs and just shuffle sadly off back to the bank.
Well, I can give you my share back, but I invested Sam's in a college fund.
Okay, I can live with that.
What about the money I gave to Jen? Bad news.
It's parked at the edge of Koreatown selling turkey.
Turkey dinner for sale.
Turkey dinner for sale.
Turkey dinner for sale.
Turkey truck for sale.
Turkey truck for sale.
Turkey truck for sale.