Are We There Yet? (2010) s02e29 Episode Script

Here you go, mom.
Thank you, sweetheart.
Hey, mom, can I play video games until Marilyn gets here? - Sure.
- Yes.
So this book club thing is a big deal, huh? Well, a little.
It's just the first time we're having it here, and I want to make sure it goes well, so let me be clear.
When the guys come for your fight party, they will use the back door.
The back door? What is this, Mississippi? I don't want you walking through my book club like it's a strip mall, not to mention Vicki Howard will be here.
The author? - Yes, though, she's not really who I'm worried about.
You remember Mara, miss "it's to die for"? She found out Vicki was gonna be here.
She called and invited herself.
Well, how'd she find out? Follows Vicki on Twitter.
- And to your house.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, mom, Marilyn's still not here yet? No, honey.
But she said she would be here at 1:00.
She's says a lot of things.
She also drinks heavily at times.
I'll call you when she gets here.
You know what? I'm gonna see where she is.
Okay.
Hey, ma.
Where are you? I'm here.
Hang up.
Hey, baby.
That's good.
Muah! - Suzanne.
- Marilyn, you know I know.
I know I said I would try to be here by 1:00, and I tried.
I failed.
Moving on.
You know, the kids are really excited about spending the night at your house tonight.
Well, since it doesn't seem like you and Nick are gonna break up anytime soon, I guess I'm just gonna have to try to embrace your kids.
Marilyn.
Eh.
I didn't say anything about having them embrace me.
Now, you know better.
You ready? - Yeah.
- Oh, good.
Yes.
Yes? Yes, I will have that Martini.
You so thoughtful.
Okay, so where are the chips and salsa? I thought Mike said he was gonna bring them.
The fight hasn't started yet, has it? No, you good.
You good.
Man, I've been waiting months for this, Alvarez versus Totino for the super welterweight championship, both 16 and 0.
Yeah.
All I know is, after this, Totino's gonna be 16 and 1.
Yo, Mike, didn't you bring the chips and salsa? You said you were bringing them.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
You said fair mart had the best deals, so I thought you were picking them up.
See, you whilin'.
There's a difference between you thought that and I said that.
What's the problem, yo? Argh, this cable box is acting up again.
Are you kidding me? I could have stayed home and not seen the fight.
I'll call the cable company.
What for? So we can watch the fight sometime next Tuesday between 10:00 and 4:00? Well, what am I supposed to do? Don't ask us.
It's your party.
Come on, man.
Do something about this.
Shut up, all right? Just shut Don't you fix these for a living? It's not my thing.
It's the cable, man.
Punch it or something, Billy bBanks.
Shut up.
Let me think.
Mmm.
Suzanne, these stuffed mushrooms are so good, but have you tried the ones at Alfonzo's market? They are to die for.
I'll bet they are, Mara.
Anyway, thank you all for coming.
Now, if you'll help me welcome our distinguished guest, author of the best-selling self-help guide, your principles are petty, miss Vicki Howard.
Thank you.
Thank you for that.
So I just want to let you know that we are here to get real, and I don't play.
You all know a little bit about me, and I'm about to tell you about yourselves.
So when I leave, either you'll be clapping or crying, so I'm happy we got the clapping out of the way.
It's not fourth grade.
You don't have to raise your hand.
I just want to say I love your work.
Everybody does, sweetie.
Okay, so we are all familiar with the concept of the book, that what is important to you, you consider a principle, but what's important to someone else, you consider petty.
You all read my book, didn't you? Mm-hmm.
I'll take if from here.
Vicki, don't you think when you're dating it's good to stick to some principles? I'm sorry, what's your name? Gigi.
Ahh, Gigi, what do you have a list of about 10 to 12 things a man must do before you do this, that, or the next for him, right? Actually, it's 26.
It used to be 27.
You see, this is what I'm talking about.
You know what, Gigi? We're gonna name a perfume after you.
Ooh.
Psst-psst Petty, by Gigi.
And you, yeah, miss fourth grader, I heard what you said about the mushrooms earlier.
You just don't walk up in somebody else's house talking about, "you could get better food from someplace else.
" Now, that's just petty.
And you, you could just kick her out.
Now, that's the principle.
- Wow.
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
There's more.
All righty, put your clothes in here.
Mm-hmm, you too.
Here you go.
All right, hold out your hands.
We just washed our hands.
Uh, that was for dirt.
This is for germs.
Okay, come on.
Sit down.
Make yourself comfortable.
Gee.
So what now? Well, first we go over the rules.
So don't touching nothin'.
Don't move nothin'.
Don't use my phone.
Use your inside voice.
And if you need to go to the bathroom, there's a checklist.
Make sure you do everything on that list before you come out.
Got it.
All right, then.
So you ready to have some fun? Look, guys, I'm sorry, okay? But do you want to watch the fight, or do you want to cry about it? It took us five minutes to get here.
I bet the under-card hasn't even started.
What's on the under-card of a super welterweight fight? I think Kate Hudson is fighting Keira Knightley.
Wait, hold up.
Why don't they have the fight on? Hi, guys.
- The fight.
I'm gonna be serving you tonight.
What can I start you off with? You can start us off with the fight.
I'm sorry, but we don't have it.
You're joking, right? Oh, I wish I were.
No, they charge us $25 a head to show the fight, and this bar seats about 300 people.
Now, if you wanted to order $7,500 worth of drinks, then I could put it on for you.
Forget it.
Let's go.
Let's go where, somewhere else they're not showing the fight? Ha-ha, you got jokes.
You guys want to crack jokes, or do you want to watch the fight? Seriously, man, where are we going? - Where are we going? - Uh What do you mean, "uh"? But if you take the time to cook a meal and then expect him to wash the dishes out of principle, it's being petty.
But what if he leaves the dishes there overnight.
So what does it matter to you when he washes them? It's petty.
- Ooh.
- Hey, everybody.
Hi.
No, Nick, no.
You knew I was hosting a book club.
Now, I don't know where you're gonna go, but you're gonna get out of here.
We're gonna be two rooms away.
Look, you won't even know we're here, all right? Baby, baby, baby, this is Alvarez versus Totino for the super welterweight championship of the world, all right? They're 16 and 0.
Suzanne, I'm not normally in a position to beg you, but on behalf of Nick and the boys, can I just say, please, baby, baby, please, baby, baby, please.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
But if you mess up my book club or embarrass me in front of Vicki, your friends are gonna be watching a whole different fight.
I got you.
You better not.
Is this whose in there right now? Yeah, why? Oh, I have a bone to pick with her.
Hey, hey, Martin.
What? Hey.
Come on, guys, this fight's starting.
- No, it it's starting? - This fight is starting, man.
Um Uh Yes, I won.
Hey, here's your money, honey.
- Thank you.
- Now, wasn't that fun? Who can sit still the longest? Yeah, I love that game.
Oh, I love it too, girl.
You just like me.
Marilyn, I'm starving.
Can we have something to eat? Yeah, me too.
Well, I guess I do have to feed you.
Come on.
Maybe we should order something.
Let's go see what's in the kitchen that we can order.
All righty, we have Bolivian, Ethiopian, Brazilian Can't we just order a pizza? Pizza? Pizza's fine with me.
Let me just get the phone book.
That's your phone book? Yeah, why? Oh, mom told me about those.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's just like the Internet, except it's in book form.
You single-handedly ruined the best month of my life.
Martin, please.
We need to go.
Heh-heh-heh.
Vicki, I am sorry.
I'm really sorry.
No, no, no, he's bad enough to walk up in here and call me out.
You want to talk? Let's talk.
Hey, hey, hey, what's up? Oh, I didn't know there was gonna be women here.
Hey, aw, man, I know you.
You're that chick with the book.
Now back to you.
So tell me, in the words of Morris day, what is your main problem? Oh, they're too numerous to list.
Roman number one, subheading a.
- Ooooh! - Shh.
Suzanne, where do you keep the bowls? In the cabinet behind the transparent glass right there.
Nick, either you get Martin out of there, or I'm gonna get Martin out of there, but if I were you, I'd get Martin out of there, because if I have to get Martin out of there I get it.
I'm gonna get Martin out of there.
Now, pass these out and smile.
Ooooh! Hey, zip it.
Whoo, Totino is in trouble right now.
Are you serious? Yes, Alvarez is leading in points for the last two rounds, baby.
I'm talking about the chips.
You brought those? Yeah, why? After you said you weren't gonna pick them up? What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? First of all, I didn't I wasn't gonna pick them up.
What is it with you? What is what with me? Come on, man, I got chips too.
Baby need a bottle? I've been dating this girl for one month.
Why am I petty for not wanting to buy a one-month anniversary present? Because you're cheap.
In his defense, being cheap and being petty are two different things.
Vicki Come here, honey.
Would you like one? Hold on.
The point that I'm trying to make is, is, if he doesn't want to buy her a gift, how does that make him petty? Because everyone knows if a man won't jump through hoops for you, then that Then maybe you're not worth jumping through hoops for.
And maybe your book is stupid.
Now you're being petty.
These are good.
Thank you.
Nick, why don't you take Martin in the other room to watch the fight? Vicki did not come here for this.
Oh, the fight's on, Alvarez and Totino? Yeah, they're watching it in the back.
Gigi.
- I'll be back in a minute.
Don't be petty.
Okay, wait a second here.
Are you for me or against me? See, now, that's your problem.
You think everything is about you.
These are really good.
Thank you.
Whoo, that was pretty tasty.
Can we take the drop cloths off the couches? It's kind of uncomfortable.
Oh, honey, I know, but I would never forgive you if you hurt my furniture, and your mother would never forgive me if I hurt you, so really, I'm just doing it to protect everybody.
So what do you guys want to do next? Oh, can we watch a movie.
Now you are talking.
Your grandma I mean, Marilyn has one of the best DVD collections in the world.
- Come on, sit down.
- Okay.
I can't wait to show you.
I have been collecting for years.
Okay, we got Black Belt Jones, Black Caesar, Black Mama, White Mama, Blacula, Bucktown, Cleopatra Jones, Cleopatra Jones and the Casino of Gold, Coffy, Dolemite, Foxy Brown, Friday Foster, Hell up in Harlem, Hit Man Petey Wheatstraw, The Devil's Son-in-Law, Scream Blacula Scream, Shaft, Shaft's Big Score, Shaft in Africa, Sheba Baby, Slaughter, Slaughter's Big Rip-Off, Super Fly, Super Fly T.
N.
T.
That Man Bolt, The Hammer Ooh, can't forget The Hammer The Human Tornado, The Mack, Thomasine & Bushrod, Three the Hard Way, T.
N.
T.
Jackson, Trouble Man, Truck Turner, Willie Dynamite, and Pineapple Express.
What was the first one again? - I want my money.
- I'm not paying you any money.
Why would I pay you money for chips, when I bought chips? I already bought the chips.
Heh, are you gonna watch the fight or be the fight? All right, man, that's it.
I know you're upset, but you got to let it go.
Fine, I apologize.
I went a little bit too far, but that's what happens when women write books.
Nick, you need to settle this.
I brought chips and salsa, because this guys said he wasn't going to.
I get here, and he's got chips and salsa.
I say he owes me 12 bucks.
It's chips and dip.
What is the big deal? First of all, you didn't bring it earlier, man, so on the way back from no-hitter, I stopped and got some, okay? If you would have brought them earlier, like you were supposed to - Supposed to? Says who? - Says me.
Can we just be quiet and watch the fight? Oh! Oh, what happened? Oh, oh.
Shh.
Nick Upstairs now.
Ohhhh.
Nick, this is exactly what I did not want to happen.
Babe, I apologize.
Look, I can take care of this.
Let me get back to the fight, and I will make sure those guys stay out of your book club.
And can we get Gigi out of your fight party? Yeah, no problem.
Babe, I just want to get through the rest of this book club, okay? Can you help me do that, honey? Yes.
Can I get one of those dessert things after it's done? Oh, you like those.
Then keep your friends out of my party, and if there's any left and you beg, I might let you have a piece.
Done.
What in the world? Well, if you weren't so cheap in the first place, we wouldn't be having this discussion.
You're arguing over $11, and I'm cheap? $12, and yeah.
Listen, I'm not saying you should have gotten her and anniversary gift, but if you wanted to, I know a place that is just fabulous with accessories, trinkets, and tchotchkes that are to die for.
What the hell's a tchotchke? Vicki.
Excuse me, Vicki, for one second.
Okay, I'm coming.
This is insane.
Ahh! What happened in the fight? - The fight is over.
- It's over? It's over.
Alvarez literally knocked Totino off his feet, shot to the head, shot to the body, and he was down.
This is crazy.
Look, I throw a fight party in my own house, and I don't even get to watch the fight.
Well, this is the worst book club ever.
Hold on.
Hold on.
You guys are arguing over chips, dips, 12 bucks, and tchotchkes.
I need to sit down for this.
Everybody go sit down.
Everyone sit down.
I thought women were petty.
Man, black belt Jones is the man.
I've never seen a guy defeat the mafia with karate.
That movie was really good.
Did Jim Kelly star in any other movies? Oh, girl, please, we could have a Jim Kelly marathon.
Oh, can we watch another one? - Sure.
- I loved his hair.
What were those things called on the side of his face? Sideburns.
Say, go look in there and get the Black Samurai.
That will be the next one we watch.
Okay.
Lindsey did it.
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
Kids, kids, it's okay.
You find the movie.
I will pick up the popcorn.
It's no big deal.
Excuse me.
My fault? How is this my fault? Next you're gonna tell me I was just being petty.
No, you're just an idiot for not checking the cable box.
And if you didn't bring the guys back here, none of this would have happened, because we'd still be in our book club meeting.
Okay, so now back to you.
Okay, all I'm saying is, I was dating this girl, and she decided she wanted to have a one-month anniversary.
Okay.
Well, I'm not gonna get her something expensive and feel like an idiot, but I don't want to look like a jerk and get her something cheap.
So you didn't buy her anything? No, and she read this stupid book and decided I was being petty, and I couldn't explain to her that it was about the principle.
If she was the hottest girl you'd ever seen, why couldn't you buy her something nice? I know, like some lingerie.
I know this amazing place that's We know.
It's to die for.
And you two fighting over chips and salsa.
Petty.
- Hey.
- Feeling here.
And you, you break up with a beautiful woman, because you don't want to buy a gift.
Petty.
If it wasn't my book, it would have been something else.
It's better that you broke up after a month rather than waiting a year.
A year? I've never dated a woman more than 4 1/2 months.
What? Why not? It's the principle.
What? Oh, man, come on.
Look, I don't know what you two discussed, but as far as I can tell, you're both being petty.
Here.
- Here you go.
- What's this? You happy now? Man, I can't take your money.
Yes, you can.
Now get out.
Nick.
Bye.
Look, I'm sorry.
Go.
Out.
Nick, this was so much fun, so thank you, and, Vicki, nice to meet you.
Oh, nice to meet you too.
I don't like her.
If I were petty, I would say I heard that.
Hm.
Suzanne, this book club, I can't even say it, but you know what I'm thinking.
I do, and I'm glad you thought it was.
It was.
Thanks for having me over.
Well, technically, I didn't have you over, but thank you for having yourself over.
Vicki, I don't know how your other book clubs have been, but I want to apologize for this one.
No, this was absolutely fabulous.
This was the first time I was able to show readers how the concepts of my book actually apply to these everyday situations.
Oh, well, good.
I'm glad.
Nah.
Thank you so much.
Oh, you're welcome, and nice to meet you, Nick.
You know, you remind me of my ex-husband.
Why, did you get on his nerves too? Stop being petty, and read the book.
I like her.
Did you see her hit me like that? You want some coffee, babe? Oh, yes, thank you.
Babe, let me ask you a question.
When you wanted chips and salsa yesterday, did you ever once think about looking in the cabinets? No.
Yes.
Hey, guys.
- Hi.
- Hey, look who's back.
Good morning.
Okay, so how was it? It was a so awesome.
We had a lot of fun.
It was the worst night of my life.
Marilyn.
But if you need me to take care of them next week, I'd be happy to.
Eh, don't ruin it.
I'll take it.
- Yeah.
- I'll take it.