Batman (1966) s02e29 Episode Script

It's 7:00 in the morning and Gotham City is rubbing the sleep out of its eyes preparing to meet the new day.
But in the studios of KGC-TV Harry Upps has his morning show already in progress.
And one of the primary functions of the Wayne Foundation Fund is to support and supplement local recreational activities.
We believe that through physical fitness and organized sport we can help the youth of Gotham City help themselves.
That's very admirable, Mr.
Wayne.
Your foundation is doing marvelous work.
Now, if you'll pardon me for just 60 seconds.
- A word from the sponsor? -Exactly.
There wouldn't be a highly-rated Harry Upps Morning Show without the sponsors.
Friends, the rainy season is almost upon us and if you ever get caught in the downpour just reach for a Stay-Dry Umbrella.
Stay-Dry has been making umbrellas for 64 years now.
I, um-- I know that it's supposed to be bad luck to open an umbrella indoors but, heh, heh, I'll take that chance because I'd like you to see the beautiful workmanship that goes into this Stay-Dry Umbrella.
Please note the-- Looks like Harry Upps has lost his voice.
This may be the work of one of our archenemies.
But which one? An umbrella usually means the Penguin's waddling around somewhere.
And this is a riddle: "What's black and white and full of fuzz?" - Zebra, zebra, zebra? -No, a squad car.
Yes, speaking of squad cars Commissioner Gordon always watches this program.
He should be calling us any second.
Are we on the air? Due to circumstances beyond anyone's control we now switch you to our midday movie: The Big Green Thing That Devoured Pittsburgh.
I'm sorry, sir, he's not here at the moment.
Uh, taking his morning constitutional, I fancy.
Oh, begging your pardon, sir, here is Batman now.
Yes, you're calling about what happened on the morning show.
- Why, yes, how did you know? - I viewed the entire affair.
A criminal has to get up pretty early in the morning to outwit you, Batman.
Check on the location of Joker, Riddler and Penguin.
We'll meet you in your office as soon as possible.
To the Batpoles.
It's really an ordinary umbrella with a mild electric shock device build into the handle.
Hardly enough to cause a man to lose his speech.
Well, he's not in any pain, but he can't say a word for the life of him.
A serious detriment for an announcer.
Poor man has been checked from toenails to tonsils but all to no avail.
I think we should concentrate on who did it rather than how it was done.
Commissioner, did you follow my suggestion? Indeed, Batman, but the Joker, the Riddler and the Penguin are all three in jail.
- Wasn't any of them.
-Hm.
May we take this with us? Of course, by all means.
Perhaps one of the instruments in the Batcave may be able to shed some light on this baffling puzzle.
It's our only clue.
Let's go, Robin.
I don't believe there ever have been or ever will be two such selfless people.
Well, they've certainly made my job a whole lot easier, commissioner.
And mine.
I think if I were to ask Batman would give me the cape right off his back.
What a man.
Yes, Bonnie? Oh, by all means, yes, send her in.
Hello, Commissioner Gordon, Chief O'Hara.
Catwoman.
Hello, hello, hello.
- Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet Eenie.
-Hi, commish.
- Meanie, Miney and Moe.
-We're pleased to meet you.
- Commissioner Gordon.
-And Chief O'Hara.
I'm delighted to learn of your new venture into the world of show business.
- Oh, yes, and, you know -Ha, ha.
it's so much safer on this side of the law.
Show business is such a rewarding profession.
Ha, ha.
Ha-ha-ha.
Tell me, what do you call yourselves? Catwoman and the Kittens.
Ha, ha! Catchy.
- Don't you think? -Oh, yes, yes, quite.
We'd love to have you perform at the Police Benevolent Society Ball.
Will you? With the greatest of pleasure, it'll be our debut.
We'll put on a performance you'll never forget.
I categorically promise you that.
Tell me, do Batman and Robin know I've been sprung? Oh, dear, I had intended telling them but it completely slipped my mind in the throes of this morning's incidents.
Well, do me a favor, commissioner.
Let it be our secret for the nonce.
Meow.
Batman will learn about it soon enough.
Come on, kittens.
Goodbye, Commissioner Gordon, Chief O'Hara.
Until we meet again.
Here's a kiss to build a dream on.
I just don't know, commissioner what with her being back in town and all that commotion this morning.
Do you suppose she could be the cause of it? Oh, nonsense, Chief O'Hara, I can tell a reformed woman when I see one.
And there is a reformed woman.
NARRATOR".
And in Catwoman's lair adjoining Duncan's Dance Studio Yeow! Isn't it simply too delicious for words? Ha, ha.
Do you really think we'll be able to get away with it? Of course we will.
Didn't I snatch that silly announcer's voice this morning without a hitch? Eenie, get me his voice.
I'll take that chance because I would like you to see the beautiful workmanship that goes into this Stay-Dry Umbrella.
Please note the-- So where did it get us? You risked getting caught just to pull a prank.
Prank? Eenie, sometimes I think you left your brain in San Francisco.
I did it to take suspicion away from us.
And set the wheels of justice skidding in the wrong direction.
Ha-ha-ha.
When we complete this caper we're gonna have enough money to keep us in catnip forever.
Or else I'm gonna give the whole world a severe case of permanent laryngitis.
Fellas, are you sure that article didn't mention where they're staying? -"The popular singing duo--" -"Chad and Jeremy--" "Are coming to Gotham City to appear at the Police Society Ball.
" "Due to anticipated rush of their fans--" "Accommodations for Chad and Jeremy are being kept secret.
" Get the commissioner on the phone.
Are you nuts? You ask him anything, he'll suspect you for sure.
Let's get something straight.
Catwoman is top dog around here and let's not forget it, Eenie.
Hello, Catwoman, what can I do for you? You can tell me where Chad and Jeremy are staying while they're here in Gotham City.
Oh, no, no.
I couldn't do that.
It's top-secret information, very hush-hush.
You don't trust me? I'm deeply hurt.
I thought you, of all people, would give solace to an ex-convict.
Is there any particular reason you want to know? I wanna make certain we won't perform any of the same songs they will.
You want this show to be a success, don't you? Well, since you put it that way.
They'll be at the home of millionaire Bruce Wayne, stately Wayne Manor.
But look: You must promise not to divulge this information to anyone.
I give you my word as a lady and a scholar.
Tell me, commissioner they call you the voice of authority in Gotham City, do they not? At times, yes, yes, why do you ask? And if you couldn't speak, it might severely cripple your effectiveness, would it not? - What do you mean? -Just say bye-bye, commissioner.
No more pompous prattle from you.
Hello? You can win a free dance lesson at the Duncan Dance Studios if you answer this simple question.
- Sorry, I'm not interested in dance lessons.
-Wait a minute, Dick.
The junior prom's coming up, isn't it? - Yes, but-- -We don't want you to be a Wallflower, do we? Dancing is an integral part of every young man's education.
Gosh, Bruce, you're right, but dancing? - All right, miss, what's the question? - Who painted Whistler's Mother? Why, Whistler, of course.
Congratulations.
- You mean, that's it? -That's it.
- When do I get my lesson? -I'll be right over.
Can you imagine that? First time in my life I ever won anything.
Heh.
Congratulations.
I have to go to the store to pick up a tube for the Bat-sound analyzer we can't make a move without it.
Back in a hour.
Okay.
- One, two, three.
- Ow.
Sorry.
You'll get the hang of it.
You're doing just fine, fine.
I don't think I'll ever learn to dance, Ms.
Klutz.
I don't have natural rhythm.
Balderdash.
Ha, ha.
You'll pardon the expression, now I'm a little out of breath.
Could we take a break? Certainly.
Very nice place you have here, Master Grayson.
Very homey.
Fourteen bathrooms, 18 bedrooms.
- How many entrances are there to the place? -Three.
Why are you asking all these questions about the house? You seem more interested in the layout of Wayne Manor than giving me a dancing lesson.
When I get through with you, Master Grayson I'll have taught you one heck of a lesson.
What are those things there? - Dogwood, why? -Dog--? I am allergic to-- Why, you're no dance teacher, you're Catwoman.
Oh! Mercy me.
NARRATOR".
And at Gotham City Airport England's singing sensations, Chad and Jeremy, are due to arrive.
- Have no fear.
-Chad and Jeremy are here.
Oh, aren't they just the most adorable twosome in the world? If you don't count Batman and Robin.
- What do you think of the States so far? - Do us a favor, we've been here two minutes.
And sometimes it takes us as long as half an hour to get to really know a country.
- About that haircut of yours, Jeremy.
- What haircut? I haven't had a trim in weeks.
Actually, he wears it that way so people won't confuse him with his mom.
Yeah, she's bald, poor thing.
- Is that right? - Yeah, that's right.
What are your plans after your appearance in Gotham City? We're going straight back home.
We've gotta do a command performance for the queen.
Respect In hating an enemy Catwoman.
It's nice to see a responsible citizen like you for a change.
Thank you, sergeant.
Am I a living symbol of your youth? Come on, kittens, let's get out of here.
Too many bluecoats for us to get away with it.
Get away with what, Catwoman? - We still don't know your plan.
-You will, Eenie.
Let's go.
Become clear As you see me sitting there - What is your favorite group? -Oh.
Chamber of commerce.
- PTA, that sort of thing.
-Yes.
Heh.
You might all have slept for a week had I not administered the universal drug antidote.
Holy Rip van Winkle.
One good thing did come of it, Robin.
We now know who our adversary is.
Poor Commissioner Gordon, he was so taken in by Catwoman.
Mm.
She's a very beautiful, very enthralling woman, Robin.
When you get older, you'll see how easy it is to become lured by the female of the species.
"Duncan Dance Studios, tango's our specialty, 3741 Laurel Avenue.
" To the Batmobile.
NARRATOR".
Meantime, it's tea time for Wayne Manor houseguests.
- There you are.
I hope you like it.
-Thank you.
Help yourself to cream and sugar.
I always think tea is so civilized, don't you? I didn't realize this custom had reached the colonies.
Oh, my, yes, we serve tea every afternoon.
- Oh, great.
-When Bruce told me that you were going to stay here, I'd expected-- Don't tell me, you expected two grubby morons to come barging in here and start smashing up the place, didn't you? Well, l Heh.
All right, Chad, start slashing cushions, I'll go deal with the crockery in the kitchen.
Right.
Don't worry, love, we're not really like that, you know, it's just our image.
Oh You know, it's funny.
But just because our fans are occasionally over-demonstrative people expect us to be the same way.
Thank you.
Well, for instance, Chad here was a medical student and I was reading for the law when our first record came out.
We hope to go back to school as soon as we can to complete our education.
- Mustn't be a dropout.
-Don't be a dropout.
Yes.
Just think of it: Every record our fans buy brings me another notch closer to becoming a brain surgeon.
Well, mercy alive.
We can't appear at the Police Ball now.
Not after you stole the commissioner's voice.
Everybody knows you haven't really gone straight.
Why don't you steal Batman's voice while you're at it? Never.
One of the few joys I have in life is when his rich manly baritone caresses my ears with, "Catwoman, you're under arrest.
" Oh, it makes everything worthwhile.
Ha, ha.
Well, they're going to track us down, Catwoman.
Sure as shooting.
They'll be at the dance studio in two shakes of a cat's tail.
- And we just wait here? -Never you mind, my terrible trio of tabbies.
Fear not.
I have everything under control.
Batman and Robin, it will be their final performance.
Now, I want you two to pretend you're customers.
And I want you No, no, no, I'm sorry.
You see, the Watusi is definitely out.
Now, maybe I can interest you in one of our seven-year courses in Magyar folk dances? Citizen.
Ha, ha.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't, uh And, um Oh, isn't that awful? I know your names as well as I know my own.
Benton Belgoody.
- Batman.
-And Robin.
Well, how could I forget a thing-- Of course, what can I do for you, Robin? We're here to see Ms.
Klutz, she's one of your dance instructors.
Oh, yeah, well, I'm afraid that's impossible right now.
You see, with all the new dance steps on the way out she's busy trying to find something that's on the way in.
Just tell her Batman and Robin are here, Mr.
Belgoody.
And tell her fast.
Well, my, my, there's a little bit of the devil in you, isn't there, young man? Ha, ha.
Just as I suspected, Robin, she's up to her old tricks.
Catwoman, can't you see the folly of your ways? With your beauty and intelligence, you could go much further helping your fellow man rather than harming him.
A bit of whimsy that escapes me at the moment, Batman.
Get him, guys.
- You know something? -Hm? If he weren't such an old stick in the mud, I might let him live.
But I think I can handle Batman.
It's just that Robin's all work and no play.
You know, maybe I can fix you up with Robin.
Heh.
No, it'd never work, he's too young.
At that age, all they're interested in is baseball.
Now, are you ready to come quietly, Catwoman? I guess so, Batman.
Batman, can I ask you a favor before you send me up the river without a paddle? What is that? Can I freshen up a little bit with makeup? I mean, my image might be damaged if I was seen in public with a shiny nose.
Yes, go ahead.
But don't try anything untoward.
Holy Heidelberg, what did she do that for? I afraid we've been drugged, Robin.
I guess you can never trust a woman.
You've made a hasty generalization, Robin, it's a bad habit to get into.
But in this situation, it's entirely apr-- Apr-- Apropos.
Wake up, little beddy-byes.
Have you been beddy-bye? Catwoman.
I'd advise you to yap as little as possible, boys.
You've been encased in an enormous echo chamber weighing two tons.
Every sound in there will be magnified Even your breathing will sound like thunder.
Ha, ha.
And don't bother looking for your utility belt.
I've had it burned.
Ha-ha-ha! - So, what's the purpose, CW? -it's so that the drip Why can't I get good help? Moe, turn on the faucet.
I'm sure you recognize this as a variation of the legendary Chinese water torture.
When I throw that switch the noise will become excruciating.
And your eardrums will be shattered.
Shortly following that your brains will be turned into "yuch.
" And then I shall return and then you can be mine forever, Batman.
True, I'll have to sacrifice your intellect.
Oh, well, with a build like yours, who cares? After all, one can't have one's cake and eat it too.
Heh.
Ta-ta.