Whose Line Is It Anyway? (1998) s02e29 Episode Script
Season 2, Episode 29
1 Drew: GOOD EVENING.
WELCOME TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" ON TONIGHT'S SHOW -- OH, MAYBE I DRANK TOO MUCH -- GREG PROOPS.
I'M JUST A LITTLE NERVOUS -- WAYNE BRADY.
THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE -- COLIN MOCHRIE.
AND KEEP GOING, I CAN FEEL SOMETHING -- RYAN STILES.
AND I'M YOUR HOST DREW CAREY.
COME ON DOWN.
LET'S HAVE SOME FUN.
R2 OH, HELLO.
WELCOME TO "WHOSE LINE IT ANYWAY?" THE SHOW WHERE EVERYTHING'S MADE UP AND THE POINTS DON'T MATTER.
LIKE LAST NAMES AT CLOSING TIME, THE POINTS DON'T MATTER.
WHOO! IF YOU NEVER SAW THE SHOW BEFORE, THESE GUYS ARE GOING TO MAKE UP EVERYTHING YOU SEE BASED ON SUGGESTIONS FROM THE AUDIENCE AND THESE CARDS.
THEY'VE NEVER SEEN THE CARDS.
THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT SUGGESTIONS WE'RE GOING TO GIVE THEM TONIGHT.
AT THE END, I PICK THE WINNER, AND THE WINNER GETS TO DO SOMETHING SPECIAL WITH ME.
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE .]
AND THE LOSER GETS A JOLLY RANCHER.
NOT THE CANDY.
THAT'S RIGHT.
SO LET'S GET THE SHOW STARTED WITH A GAME CALLED "LET'S MAKE A DATE.
" WAYNE, YOU'RE APPEARING ON A DATING-TYPE SHOW.
RYAN, COLIN, AND GREG ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE YOU GET TO CHOSE FROM.
I'M VERY SORRY.
WE GAVE EACH OF THEM A STRANGE A CHARACTERISTIC OR IDENTITY.
THEY'RE ON THE CARDS THEY'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE.
WAYNE'S GOING TO QUESTION THEM AND GUESS WHAT THEY ARE AT THE END OF THE GAME.
WAYNE, WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.
BACHELOR NUMBER ONE? WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS CALLING ON ME FIRST? YOU COME INTO MY ROOM, YOU TOUCH MY STEREO.
MY STUFF'S ALL OVER THE PLACE.
LOOK AT THIS.
AND YOU NEVER BUY TOILET PAPER.
YOU SUCK! YOU'RE ONE TAE BO CLASS AWAY FROM AN ASS-KICKING.
OKAY? I'LL KICK YOU.
AS IF.
TALK TO THE PAW 'CAUSE THE TAIL DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.
BACHELOR NUMBER TWO? YES.
HELLO.
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL GROWING UP IN ARKANSAS, GEORGIA, MY GRANDMA WOULD DISPENSE LITTLE GEMS OF WISDOM.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, LOUISE, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO LISTEN TO YOUR RAMBLINGS! THIS IS A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH.
I CAN'T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN.
I CAN'TLET IT HAPPEN AGAIN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
IF YOU WANT TO BE HERE, THAT'S FINE, BUT JUST STAY OUT OF THE WAY.
AND I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY DRAMA QUEEN IN THE ROOM.
BACHELOR NUMBER THREE? I'M SORRY.
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SPEAK UP.
BACHELOR NUMBER THREE? YES, OVER HERE.
I CAN HEAR YOU.
DON'T YELL, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
I ENJOY MOONLIT WALKS, HIKING UNDERNEATH THE BRIGHT, SUNNY SKY, AND SKIING.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF WE HAD 48 HOURS TO JUST BE FREE? 48 HOURS -- THAT IS LONG TIME, INDEED, ISN'T IT? LET ME SEE.
48 HOURS OHH! I SUPPOSE WE COULD GO TO A MOVIE.
BACHELOR NUMBER ONE? SHUT UP, BUTT MUNCH.
I'VE GOT CLASS IN THE MORNING.
YOU NEED TO HAVE SOME CLASS RIGHT NOW.
BACHELOR NUMBER TWO? WHY DID SHE LEAVE ME? WHAT? CLEAR! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU! OHH, OHH BACHELOR NUMBER THREE? YES? DURING THE SUMMER, I LIKE SOMETHING NICE AND FLOWY.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF CLOTHING? OH ANYTHING THAT'S TIGHT THAT I CAN -- AAH! LIVE! LIVE! LIVE! NO! [ BUZZER .]
I'VE ALWAYS IMAGINED RYAN LIKE THAT.
UH, WHO ARE THEY? GREG -- BACHELOR NUMBER ONE -- IS A, UM, IS A COLLEGE ROOMMATE FRESHMAN ON HIS OWN FOR THE FIRST TIME.
VERY CLOSE.
ROOMMATE LIVING IN THE SAME DORM? THERE'S A FAMOUS SHOW ABOUT DOPEY COLLEGE-TYPE PEOPLE THAT LIVE TOGETHER.
IT WAS ON MTV.
OH, "THE REAL WORLD.
" YES.
WHAT THE HELL? THAT WAS THEIR DRINKING PART.
"YOU GET OUT OF MY LIFE, DUDE.
" BACHELOR NUMBER TWO, YOU'RE A DOCTOR ON A SOAP OPERA.
YES.
YES! AND BACHELOR NUMBER THREE, YOU'RE CAROL CHANNING ON A, UM, ROLLER COASTER.
CLOSE ENOUGH.
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE SEX? RIDE A ROLLER COASTER.
THAT WAS A GOOD GUESS, WAYNE.
A BILLION POINTS TO EVERYBODY.
ONE BILLION.
FEEL THE HEAT, REGIS.
OKAY, NOW LET'S GO TO A GAME CALLED "SONG STYLES" FOR WAYNE BRADY WITH LAURA HALL AND LINDA TAYLOR.
WHY DON'T YOU FOLLOW ME RIGHT HERE? WHAT'S YOUR NAME? CHARLIE.
WHAT DO YOU FOR A LIVING? I DO MAINTENANCE FOR A MUSICAL COMPANY.
HE DOES MAINTENANCE FOR A MUSICAL COMPANY.
HE CLEANS UP ALL THE NOTES, PROBABLY -- ALL THOSE SHARPS AND FLATS.
COME ON OVER HERE AND SAY HI TO WAYNE.
CHARLIE, THIS IS WAYNE BRADY.
WAYNE BRADY, THIS IS CHARLIE.
[ Tune of "The Jetsons" theme .]
MEET WAYNE BRADY UH, WAYNE, YOU'RE GOING TO SING TO CHARLIE HERE.
HE WORKS IN THE FACILITIES DEPARTMENT DOING MAINTENANCE, UH, IN THE STYLE OF TLC.
TLC? SO, TLC, GO AHEAD.
[ R&B STYLE MUSIC PLAYING .]
SOMETIMES I'M SITTING THERE LOOKING AND THERE'S A BROOM WHY DON'T YOU COME AND DO MAINTENANCE INSIDE OF MY BEDROOM? TELL ME SOMETHING THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND AIN'T NO JOB I FIND SEXIER THAN A BIG STRONG MAINTENANCE MAN YOU'VE GOT TO CLEAN IT UP CLEAN IT UP WHY DON'T YOU PAINT THE WALLS? WAX ON AND WAX OFF AND THEN CLEAN IT UP CLEAN IT UP CLEAN IT UP OH, YOU KNOW YOU'VE GOT TO CLEAN IT UP YOUR BREATH SMELLS GOOD, YOU MUST USE LAVORIS DAMN, LOOK AT HIM, HE LOOKS LIKE CHUCK NORRIS HEY JUST CLEAN IT UP OH, I'VE NEVER SEEN A MAN LIKE YOU COULD DO THE THINGS YOU DO UH-HUH, YOU MAKE MY HEART CRACKLE THERE'S THE TUB WHY DON'T YOU GET SOME SPACKLE? CLEAN IT UP CLEAN IT UP OH CLEAN IT UP YEAH CLEAN IT UP CLEAN IT UP, BABY.
ALL RIGHT.
ON THAT NOTE, WE'RE GOING TO A COMMERCIAL.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" AFTER THIS.
WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" THE SHOW WHERE EVERYTHING'S MADE UP AND THE POINTS DON'T MATTER, LIKE THE FIRST THREE QUARTERS OF AN NBA GAME.
LET'S GO ON TO A GAME CALLED "PARTY QUIRKS.
" GREG, YOU'RE HOSTING.
WAYNE, COLIN, AND RYAN ARE GUESTS.
WE'RE GIVING THEM A STRANGE QUIRK ON THESE CARDS.
IT'S THE FIRST TIME THEY'VE SEEN THEM, AND GREG HAS TO GUESS WHAT THEY ARE.
WHY DON'T YOU START THE PARTY, AND I'LL BRING EVERYBODY IN ONE AT A TIME? IT'S A COME-AS-AL-GORE PARTY.
[ DOORBELL RINGS .]
THAT WOULD BE THE BELL.
HEY, WAYNE.
HOW YOU DOING? IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.
LEAVE ME IN THE CAR.
SHUT UP! YOU GOT ANY MEAT STICKS AROUND? THE THING IS YOUR APARTMENT IS HORRIBLE.
YOU NEED TO LEAVE THE BOY ALONE.
YOU'RE FAT, AND YOU'RE STUPID! [ SOBBING .]
HOW'S THAT MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER? SHUT UP! [ DOORBELL RINGS .]
HELLO.
HELLO, CARL.
HAVE YOU WAYNE, HAVE YOU MET COLIN? HE'S THE LIFE CYCLE OF A FISH.
OH, I ALWAYS SAY THAT.
THAT REMINDS ME OF WHEN WE FIRST MET.
STOP YOUR BICKERING! I HATE YOU! COLIN, HAVE YOU MET WAYNE? HE'S AN ENTIRE DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY.
[ DOORBELL RINGS .]
THAT'S WHAT HE IS.
I AM GOING TO BE OUT HERE FOR DAYS.
YOU'RE VERY CLOSE.
I HOPE THE NEXT PERSON BRINGS PIZZA 'CAUSE THIS IS GOING TO TAKE SOME TIME.
HERE WE GO.
HELLO, RYAN.
GREG, HOW ARE YOU? NICE TO SEE YOU -- OW! OOH! OW! OW! OHH! AAH! OOH! AAH! OHH! AAH! OHH! YOU ALL RIGHT THERE? OHH! WHOA, YOU'RE EASILY -- YOU'RE VERY TENDER.
YEAH, A LITTLE.
HAVE YOU MET COLIN? HE'S A -- HE'S A FREAK IS WHAT HE IS.
AAH! HE'S A -- AAH! OHH! AAH, AAH! OW, OW, OW, OW! OW, OW! AHH HE'S A TV EXECUTIVE ON VACATION.
HE'S I DON'T KNOW WHAT.
HE DOESN'T TOUCH ME LIKE THAT.
IF YOU LOOKED THE WAY YOU DID IN HIGH SCHOOL, I WOULD TOUCH YOU.
YOU LOOK LIKE A PRINCE I HATE YOU.
[ SOBBING .]
GET OUT OF HERE, YOU, YOU, ARGUING COUPLE.
[ BUZZER .]
[ MAKING SIZZLING NOISE .]
OHH! HEY, HEY, YOU CAN'T STAND OVER HIM LIKE -- WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HIM? HIS WHAT ARE CHAINED TO YOUR WHAT? OH, I UNDERSTAND NOW, BUT I'M NOT GOING THERE 'CAUSE IT'S TOO EASY.
YOU ON THE OTHER HAND, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.
YOU PRETEND TO BE THE LIFE CYCLE OF A FISH.
Drew: HE WAS A FISH.
YOU IMAGINE THAT YOU'RE A SALMON.
OW! AND YOU AAH! AAH! COLIN, HAVE YOU MET RYAN? HE'S ATTACHED TO ME BY MY PRIVATE PARTS.
HE IS ATTACHED BY -- MY NIPPLES IS WHAT HE'S ATTACHED BY.
NO, HIS NIPPLES.
HIS NIPPLES ARE ATTACHED TO ME.
[ BUZZER .]
[ MAKING SIZZLING NOISE .]
HOW DO FISH FINALLY END UP? I AM JUST GOING TO GET DOWN HERE.
HOW DO FISH FINALLY END UP? I DON'T CARE NOW.
[ BUZZER .]
HE'S A FISH STICK! HE'S A FISH STICK! FISH STICK! A FISH STICK.
DID I MENTION HE'S A FISH STICK? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU COULDN'T GET THAT HIS NIPPLES WERE ATTACHED TO YOUR HAND.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE I DON'T LIVE IN THAT WORLD AS MUCH AS YOU.
I DON'T KNOW.
JUST FOUR GUYS DOING IMPROV, DUDE.
THAT'S ALL IT IS.
I KNOW.
LET'S GO ON TO A GAME CALLED "IMPROBABLE MISSION.
" THIS IS FOR COLIN AND RYAN.
YOU GUYS ARE SECRET AGENTS CARRYING OUT AN EVERYDAY ACTIVITY, AND THEIR INSTRUCTIONS WILL COME FROM GREG, AND WHAT I NEED FROM THE AUDIENCE IS A MUNDANE EVERYDAY ACTIVITY.
Woman: LAUNDRY.
LAUNDRY, LAUNDRY.
LAUNDRY, LAUNDRY, LAUNDRY.
SO, UH, YOUR MISSION IS THE LAUNDRY.
GOT A TAPE IN THE MAIL.
[ GROANS .]
I THOUGHT WE WERE OUT OF THE SPY BUSINESS.
WE'RE NEVER OUT OF THE SPY BUSINESS, COLIN, NOT AS LONG TAPES KEEP COMING TO THE DOOR.
Greg: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE MONEY IN REAL ESTATE? GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN.
GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING.
HOW ARE YOU TODAY? HOW'S YOUR COLD, RYAN? IT'S CLEARED UP.
LIKE, WHAT AM I, NOTHING? I'D LOVE TO CHAT, BUT I'M BUSY BEING [ IMITATES FAST-FORWARDING CASSETTE TAPE .]
GENTLEMEN, TODAY'S MISSION IS OF THE GRAVEST IMPORTANCE.
THE EMIR OF GROOVEFUNKISTAN, A SMALL MIDDLE EASTERN NATION, IS COMING TO VISIT THE PRESIDENT.
HE'LL BE ARRIVING IN WASHINGTON, D.
C.
HOWEVER, HIS FLIGHT HAS BEEN DELAYED, AND HIS BURNOOSE IS DIRTY.
YOUR JOB IS TO GO TO HIS HOTEL, THE GEORGE C.
CLARK HOTEL -- YOU DON'T KNOW HIM, NEVER MIND -- AND CLEAN A NEW BURNOOSE FOR THE EMIR OF GROOVEFUNKISTAN.
THIS TAPE WILL SELF-DESTRUCT AS SOON AS YOU THROW IT OUT -- UH-OH.
BOOM.
THANK GOD WE PICKED WINDOW.
YES.
WELL, WE'VE GOT A MISSION.
LET'S GET TO IT.
[ "MISSION:IMPOSSIBLE" STYLE MUSIC PLAYING .]
I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE THE HOTEL IS.
YOU'VE GOT YOUR THOMAS GUIDE? YES.
E-5.
IT'S GOING TO BE TOUGH.
OH, MY GOD.
MY CAR'S IN THE SHOP.
LUCKILY, THEY'VE MARKED EVERY STREET IN TOWN WITH BIG NUMBERS AND LETTERS.
THIS WAY.
WAIT.
WE'RE AT E-4 ALREADY.
BUT E-5! I DIDN'T REALIZE WE LIVED CLOSE TO THE HOTEL.
WELL, NO KIDDING.
WE NEVER LOOK OUT THE WINDOW EXCEPT TO THROW BURNING TAPES.
WE CAN'T GO IN THE FRONT.
THEY'LL SPOT US.
WE'D BETTER CLIMB UP THROUGH THAT WINDOW UP THERE.
I'VE GOT NOTHING TO GET UP THERE WITH.
I DIDN'T BRING ANY ROPE.
WAIT, YOUR HAIR -- YOU KNOW IT'S ONE LONG STRAND.
YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER MENTION THAT AGAIN.
REEL US UP.
BY THE WAY, I LOVE YOU.
STOP IT.
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE UP.
PATIO DOOR'S LOCKED.
THERE'S PEOPLE INSIDE.
MAKE A DIVERSION SO THEY COME OUT, AND I CAN SNEAK IN AND GET THE GARMENT.
FIRE! THAT WAS EASY.
NOW WHAT WAS IT? BURNOOSE.
ANY IDEA WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE? IT LOOKS LIKE A BURNOOSE.
THERE IT IS! NOW WE'VE GOT TO WASH IT SOMEHOW.
WE CAN'T GO DOWNSTAIRS.
THE BATHTUB.
WE'LL THROW IT IN WITH SOME WATER.
WAIT! THE FAUCET'S RIGGED! WHAT? THE FAUCET'S RIGGED! IN WHAT WAY? WITH AN EXPLOSIVE! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN A SPY? OH, I DIDN'T SEE THAT.
THEY REALLY DON'T WANT PEOPLE TAKING BATHS IN THIS ROOM.
WHY DON'T WE JUST TAKE THE FAUCET OFF AND FLUSH IT? HOW'S THAT GOING TO WORK? BOOM! OH, STAND BACK! [ IMITATES WATER SPRAYING .]
IT'S FILLED UP THE TUB.
PERFECT! WE'RE GOING TO NEED SOME SORT OF DETERGENT.
DETERGENT, DETERGENT -- THE CAT! NO, THAT'S NO GOOD.
WAIT A MINUTE.
BARS OF SOAP -- THERE'S NOTHING BUT BARS OF SOAP, BUT WE HAVE TO AGITATE IT IN SOME WAY.
GIVE ME THE BEANS.
IT'S WORKING.
IT'S CLEAN! [ BLOWING .]
IT'S TAKING TOO LONG.
THIS NECKAFARK OF EMAR WILL BE HERE.
WE'VE GOT TO DRY IT OR THE CAT! STOP IT WITH THE CAT.
Colin: IT'S CLEAN, BUT IT NEEDS SOME FABRIC SOFTENER.
FABRIC SOFTENER? WELL, YOU CAN'T HAVE STATIC CLING.
THE BURNOOSE WILL STICK TO HIS THING.
THE CAT! ANYONE COMING? NO.
IT'S PERFECT! IT'S PERFECT! GOOD.
YOU BETTER MODEL IT, JUST OHH! IT FELL IN THE WATER AGAIN.
WAIT A MINUTE.
THE CAT! THE CAT'S WET NOW.
WAIT.
GIVE ME A MATCH.
OH IT'S OKAY.
I HAVE AN EXTRA BURNOOSE.
[ BUZZER .]
Ryan: I COULDN'T STOP LAUGHING.
OKAY, THAT WAS GREAT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" DON'T GO ANYWHERE.
MAN, OH, MAN.
THANK YOU.
WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" TONIGHT'S WINNERS -- WAYNE BRADY AND RYAN STILES.
THEY'RE GOING TO DO A GAME WITH ME CALLED "3-HEADED BROADWAY STAR" WITH LAURA HALL AND LINDA TAYLOR.
AND WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN IS WAYNE, RYAN, AND I ARE GOING TO PRETEND TO BE A STRANGE 3-HEADED BROADWAY STAR.
WE'RE GOING TO SING A HIT BROADWAY TUNE FOR YOU.
WE'RE GOING TO MAKE IT UP ONE WORD AT A TIME.
WHAT WE NEED FIRST IS THE NAME OF AN UNLIKELY BROADWAY MUSICAL.
[ AUDIENCE CALLING OUT SUGGESTIONS .]
Drew: THE MONKEY WHAT? Man: "THE MONKEYS ATTACK.
" THE BROADWAY MUSICAL "THE MONKEYS ATTACK.
" AND LET'S HAVE THE HIT LOVE SONG FROM "THE MONKEYS ATTACK.
" "MY BANANA, YOUR BANANA.
" WHAT? "MY BANANA, YOUR BANANA"? YEAH.
"MY BANANA, YOUR BANANA" FROM "THE MONKEYS ATTACK.
" THE BROADWAY MUSICAL "THE MONKEYS ATTACK," "MY BANANA, YOUR BANANA," ONE WORD AT A TIME.
[ PLAYING JAZZ TUNE .]
HEY MONKEY HAVE YOU SEEN MY BANANA AROUND? DON'T YOU THINK THAT IT'S TIME TO TOUCH MY BANANA? BANANA IF YOU MY TOUCH BANANA BE I'LL SAD IF YOU TOUCH MY BANANA I'LL BAD BE I WANT YOUR LOVE LY BANANAS AND YOU WANT MINE TOO [ IMITATES TRUMPET .]
[ BUZZER .]
WE GOT THROUGH IT.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" RIGHT AFTER THIS.
HEY, WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" RYAN AND COLIN ARE GOING TO END THE SHOW.
THEY'RE GOING TO READ THE CREDITS.
RYAN IS A PASSENGER ON A LONG FLIGHT.
COLIN IS SITTING NEXT TO HIM AND WON'T SHUT UP.
THANKS A LOT, EVERYBODY.
SEE YOU LATER.
BYE.
SO I SAID TO DAN PATTERSON AND MARK LEVESON -- THEY'RE COUSINS OF MINE.
DAN PATTERSON SAYS TO ME, "LOOK, YOU GOT TO DO EVERYTHING.
" I SAYS, "ARTHUR FORREST IS THE PERSON YOU TALK TO, OR MAYBE RUTH PHILLIPS OR DREW CAREY, RYAN STILES.
THAT GREG PROOPS -- HE IS SO WONDERFUL.
HAVE YOU SEEN HIM IN PERSON? HE'S VERY NICE.
KEITH RICHMOND -- HE'S THE STAGE MANAGER.
HE SAYS CARRIE HAVEL USED TO GO OUT WITH ALISON SIDERIS AND JULIE RHINE.
ANNE COFELL -- SHE HAD -- OH, DON'T DO THAT! THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT LISA HANS DID WHEN I TRIED -- -- Captions by VITAC --
WELCOME TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" ON TONIGHT'S SHOW -- OH, MAYBE I DRANK TOO MUCH -- GREG PROOPS.
I'M JUST A LITTLE NERVOUS -- WAYNE BRADY.
THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE -- COLIN MOCHRIE.
AND KEEP GOING, I CAN FEEL SOMETHING -- RYAN STILES.
AND I'M YOUR HOST DREW CAREY.
COME ON DOWN.
LET'S HAVE SOME FUN.
R2 OH, HELLO.
WELCOME TO "WHOSE LINE IT ANYWAY?" THE SHOW WHERE EVERYTHING'S MADE UP AND THE POINTS DON'T MATTER.
LIKE LAST NAMES AT CLOSING TIME, THE POINTS DON'T MATTER.
WHOO! IF YOU NEVER SAW THE SHOW BEFORE, THESE GUYS ARE GOING TO MAKE UP EVERYTHING YOU SEE BASED ON SUGGESTIONS FROM THE AUDIENCE AND THESE CARDS.
THEY'VE NEVER SEEN THE CARDS.
THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT SUGGESTIONS WE'RE GOING TO GIVE THEM TONIGHT.
AT THE END, I PICK THE WINNER, AND THE WINNER GETS TO DO SOMETHING SPECIAL WITH ME.
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE .]
AND THE LOSER GETS A JOLLY RANCHER.
NOT THE CANDY.
THAT'S RIGHT.
SO LET'S GET THE SHOW STARTED WITH A GAME CALLED "LET'S MAKE A DATE.
" WAYNE, YOU'RE APPEARING ON A DATING-TYPE SHOW.
RYAN, COLIN, AND GREG ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE YOU GET TO CHOSE FROM.
I'M VERY SORRY.
WE GAVE EACH OF THEM A STRANGE A CHARACTERISTIC OR IDENTITY.
THEY'RE ON THE CARDS THEY'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE.
WAYNE'S GOING TO QUESTION THEM AND GUESS WHAT THEY ARE AT THE END OF THE GAME.
WAYNE, WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.
BACHELOR NUMBER ONE? WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS CALLING ON ME FIRST? YOU COME INTO MY ROOM, YOU TOUCH MY STEREO.
MY STUFF'S ALL OVER THE PLACE.
LOOK AT THIS.
AND YOU NEVER BUY TOILET PAPER.
YOU SUCK! YOU'RE ONE TAE BO CLASS AWAY FROM AN ASS-KICKING.
OKAY? I'LL KICK YOU.
AS IF.
TALK TO THE PAW 'CAUSE THE TAIL DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.
BACHELOR NUMBER TWO? YES.
HELLO.
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL GROWING UP IN ARKANSAS, GEORGIA, MY GRANDMA WOULD DISPENSE LITTLE GEMS OF WISDOM.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, LOUISE, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO LISTEN TO YOUR RAMBLINGS! THIS IS A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH.
I CAN'T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN.
I CAN'TLET IT HAPPEN AGAIN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
IF YOU WANT TO BE HERE, THAT'S FINE, BUT JUST STAY OUT OF THE WAY.
AND I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY DRAMA QUEEN IN THE ROOM.
BACHELOR NUMBER THREE? I'M SORRY.
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SPEAK UP.
BACHELOR NUMBER THREE? YES, OVER HERE.
I CAN HEAR YOU.
DON'T YELL, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
I ENJOY MOONLIT WALKS, HIKING UNDERNEATH THE BRIGHT, SUNNY SKY, AND SKIING.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF WE HAD 48 HOURS TO JUST BE FREE? 48 HOURS -- THAT IS LONG TIME, INDEED, ISN'T IT? LET ME SEE.
48 HOURS OHH! I SUPPOSE WE COULD GO TO A MOVIE.
BACHELOR NUMBER ONE? SHUT UP, BUTT MUNCH.
I'VE GOT CLASS IN THE MORNING.
YOU NEED TO HAVE SOME CLASS RIGHT NOW.
BACHELOR NUMBER TWO? WHY DID SHE LEAVE ME? WHAT? CLEAR! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU! OHH, OHH BACHELOR NUMBER THREE? YES? DURING THE SUMMER, I LIKE SOMETHING NICE AND FLOWY.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF CLOTHING? OH ANYTHING THAT'S TIGHT THAT I CAN -- AAH! LIVE! LIVE! LIVE! NO! [ BUZZER .]
I'VE ALWAYS IMAGINED RYAN LIKE THAT.
UH, WHO ARE THEY? GREG -- BACHELOR NUMBER ONE -- IS A, UM, IS A COLLEGE ROOMMATE FRESHMAN ON HIS OWN FOR THE FIRST TIME.
VERY CLOSE.
ROOMMATE LIVING IN THE SAME DORM? THERE'S A FAMOUS SHOW ABOUT DOPEY COLLEGE-TYPE PEOPLE THAT LIVE TOGETHER.
IT WAS ON MTV.
OH, "THE REAL WORLD.
" YES.
WHAT THE HELL? THAT WAS THEIR DRINKING PART.
"YOU GET OUT OF MY LIFE, DUDE.
" BACHELOR NUMBER TWO, YOU'RE A DOCTOR ON A SOAP OPERA.
YES.
YES! AND BACHELOR NUMBER THREE, YOU'RE CAROL CHANNING ON A, UM, ROLLER COASTER.
CLOSE ENOUGH.
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE SEX? RIDE A ROLLER COASTER.
THAT WAS A GOOD GUESS, WAYNE.
A BILLION POINTS TO EVERYBODY.
ONE BILLION.
FEEL THE HEAT, REGIS.
OKAY, NOW LET'S GO TO A GAME CALLED "SONG STYLES" FOR WAYNE BRADY WITH LAURA HALL AND LINDA TAYLOR.
WHY DON'T YOU FOLLOW ME RIGHT HERE? WHAT'S YOUR NAME? CHARLIE.
WHAT DO YOU FOR A LIVING? I DO MAINTENANCE FOR A MUSICAL COMPANY.
HE DOES MAINTENANCE FOR A MUSICAL COMPANY.
HE CLEANS UP ALL THE NOTES, PROBABLY -- ALL THOSE SHARPS AND FLATS.
COME ON OVER HERE AND SAY HI TO WAYNE.
CHARLIE, THIS IS WAYNE BRADY.
WAYNE BRADY, THIS IS CHARLIE.
[ Tune of "The Jetsons" theme .]
MEET WAYNE BRADY UH, WAYNE, YOU'RE GOING TO SING TO CHARLIE HERE.
HE WORKS IN THE FACILITIES DEPARTMENT DOING MAINTENANCE, UH, IN THE STYLE OF TLC.
TLC? SO, TLC, GO AHEAD.
[ R&B STYLE MUSIC PLAYING .]
SOMETIMES I'M SITTING THERE LOOKING AND THERE'S A BROOM WHY DON'T YOU COME AND DO MAINTENANCE INSIDE OF MY BEDROOM? TELL ME SOMETHING THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND AIN'T NO JOB I FIND SEXIER THAN A BIG STRONG MAINTENANCE MAN YOU'VE GOT TO CLEAN IT UP CLEAN IT UP WHY DON'T YOU PAINT THE WALLS? WAX ON AND WAX OFF AND THEN CLEAN IT UP CLEAN IT UP CLEAN IT UP OH, YOU KNOW YOU'VE GOT TO CLEAN IT UP YOUR BREATH SMELLS GOOD, YOU MUST USE LAVORIS DAMN, LOOK AT HIM, HE LOOKS LIKE CHUCK NORRIS HEY JUST CLEAN IT UP OH, I'VE NEVER SEEN A MAN LIKE YOU COULD DO THE THINGS YOU DO UH-HUH, YOU MAKE MY HEART CRACKLE THERE'S THE TUB WHY DON'T YOU GET SOME SPACKLE? CLEAN IT UP CLEAN IT UP OH CLEAN IT UP YEAH CLEAN IT UP CLEAN IT UP, BABY.
ALL RIGHT.
ON THAT NOTE, WE'RE GOING TO A COMMERCIAL.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" AFTER THIS.
WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" THE SHOW WHERE EVERYTHING'S MADE UP AND THE POINTS DON'T MATTER, LIKE THE FIRST THREE QUARTERS OF AN NBA GAME.
LET'S GO ON TO A GAME CALLED "PARTY QUIRKS.
" GREG, YOU'RE HOSTING.
WAYNE, COLIN, AND RYAN ARE GUESTS.
WE'RE GIVING THEM A STRANGE QUIRK ON THESE CARDS.
IT'S THE FIRST TIME THEY'VE SEEN THEM, AND GREG HAS TO GUESS WHAT THEY ARE.
WHY DON'T YOU START THE PARTY, AND I'LL BRING EVERYBODY IN ONE AT A TIME? IT'S A COME-AS-AL-GORE PARTY.
[ DOORBELL RINGS .]
THAT WOULD BE THE BELL.
HEY, WAYNE.
HOW YOU DOING? IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.
LEAVE ME IN THE CAR.
SHUT UP! YOU GOT ANY MEAT STICKS AROUND? THE THING IS YOUR APARTMENT IS HORRIBLE.
YOU NEED TO LEAVE THE BOY ALONE.
YOU'RE FAT, AND YOU'RE STUPID! [ SOBBING .]
HOW'S THAT MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER? SHUT UP! [ DOORBELL RINGS .]
HELLO.
HELLO, CARL.
HAVE YOU WAYNE, HAVE YOU MET COLIN? HE'S THE LIFE CYCLE OF A FISH.
OH, I ALWAYS SAY THAT.
THAT REMINDS ME OF WHEN WE FIRST MET.
STOP YOUR BICKERING! I HATE YOU! COLIN, HAVE YOU MET WAYNE? HE'S AN ENTIRE DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY.
[ DOORBELL RINGS .]
THAT'S WHAT HE IS.
I AM GOING TO BE OUT HERE FOR DAYS.
YOU'RE VERY CLOSE.
I HOPE THE NEXT PERSON BRINGS PIZZA 'CAUSE THIS IS GOING TO TAKE SOME TIME.
HERE WE GO.
HELLO, RYAN.
GREG, HOW ARE YOU? NICE TO SEE YOU -- OW! OOH! OW! OW! OHH! AAH! OOH! AAH! OHH! AAH! OHH! YOU ALL RIGHT THERE? OHH! WHOA, YOU'RE EASILY -- YOU'RE VERY TENDER.
YEAH, A LITTLE.
HAVE YOU MET COLIN? HE'S A -- HE'S A FREAK IS WHAT HE IS.
AAH! HE'S A -- AAH! OHH! AAH, AAH! OW, OW, OW, OW! OW, OW! AHH HE'S A TV EXECUTIVE ON VACATION.
HE'S I DON'T KNOW WHAT.
HE DOESN'T TOUCH ME LIKE THAT.
IF YOU LOOKED THE WAY YOU DID IN HIGH SCHOOL, I WOULD TOUCH YOU.
YOU LOOK LIKE A PRINCE I HATE YOU.
[ SOBBING .]
GET OUT OF HERE, YOU, YOU, ARGUING COUPLE.
[ BUZZER .]
[ MAKING SIZZLING NOISE .]
OHH! HEY, HEY, YOU CAN'T STAND OVER HIM LIKE -- WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HIM? HIS WHAT ARE CHAINED TO YOUR WHAT? OH, I UNDERSTAND NOW, BUT I'M NOT GOING THERE 'CAUSE IT'S TOO EASY.
YOU ON THE OTHER HAND, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.
YOU PRETEND TO BE THE LIFE CYCLE OF A FISH.
Drew: HE WAS A FISH.
YOU IMAGINE THAT YOU'RE A SALMON.
OW! AND YOU AAH! AAH! COLIN, HAVE YOU MET RYAN? HE'S ATTACHED TO ME BY MY PRIVATE PARTS.
HE IS ATTACHED BY -- MY NIPPLES IS WHAT HE'S ATTACHED BY.
NO, HIS NIPPLES.
HIS NIPPLES ARE ATTACHED TO ME.
[ BUZZER .]
[ MAKING SIZZLING NOISE .]
HOW DO FISH FINALLY END UP? I AM JUST GOING TO GET DOWN HERE.
HOW DO FISH FINALLY END UP? I DON'T CARE NOW.
[ BUZZER .]
HE'S A FISH STICK! HE'S A FISH STICK! FISH STICK! A FISH STICK.
DID I MENTION HE'S A FISH STICK? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU COULDN'T GET THAT HIS NIPPLES WERE ATTACHED TO YOUR HAND.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE I DON'T LIVE IN THAT WORLD AS MUCH AS YOU.
I DON'T KNOW.
JUST FOUR GUYS DOING IMPROV, DUDE.
THAT'S ALL IT IS.
I KNOW.
LET'S GO ON TO A GAME CALLED "IMPROBABLE MISSION.
" THIS IS FOR COLIN AND RYAN.
YOU GUYS ARE SECRET AGENTS CARRYING OUT AN EVERYDAY ACTIVITY, AND THEIR INSTRUCTIONS WILL COME FROM GREG, AND WHAT I NEED FROM THE AUDIENCE IS A MUNDANE EVERYDAY ACTIVITY.
Woman: LAUNDRY.
LAUNDRY, LAUNDRY.
LAUNDRY, LAUNDRY, LAUNDRY.
SO, UH, YOUR MISSION IS THE LAUNDRY.
GOT A TAPE IN THE MAIL.
[ GROANS .]
I THOUGHT WE WERE OUT OF THE SPY BUSINESS.
WE'RE NEVER OUT OF THE SPY BUSINESS, COLIN, NOT AS LONG TAPES KEEP COMING TO THE DOOR.
Greg: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE MONEY IN REAL ESTATE? GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN.
GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING.
HOW ARE YOU TODAY? HOW'S YOUR COLD, RYAN? IT'S CLEARED UP.
LIKE, WHAT AM I, NOTHING? I'D LOVE TO CHAT, BUT I'M BUSY BEING [ IMITATES FAST-FORWARDING CASSETTE TAPE .]
GENTLEMEN, TODAY'S MISSION IS OF THE GRAVEST IMPORTANCE.
THE EMIR OF GROOVEFUNKISTAN, A SMALL MIDDLE EASTERN NATION, IS COMING TO VISIT THE PRESIDENT.
HE'LL BE ARRIVING IN WASHINGTON, D.
C.
HOWEVER, HIS FLIGHT HAS BEEN DELAYED, AND HIS BURNOOSE IS DIRTY.
YOUR JOB IS TO GO TO HIS HOTEL, THE GEORGE C.
CLARK HOTEL -- YOU DON'T KNOW HIM, NEVER MIND -- AND CLEAN A NEW BURNOOSE FOR THE EMIR OF GROOVEFUNKISTAN.
THIS TAPE WILL SELF-DESTRUCT AS SOON AS YOU THROW IT OUT -- UH-OH.
BOOM.
THANK GOD WE PICKED WINDOW.
YES.
WELL, WE'VE GOT A MISSION.
LET'S GET TO IT.
[ "MISSION:IMPOSSIBLE" STYLE MUSIC PLAYING .]
I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE THE HOTEL IS.
YOU'VE GOT YOUR THOMAS GUIDE? YES.
E-5.
IT'S GOING TO BE TOUGH.
OH, MY GOD.
MY CAR'S IN THE SHOP.
LUCKILY, THEY'VE MARKED EVERY STREET IN TOWN WITH BIG NUMBERS AND LETTERS.
THIS WAY.
WAIT.
WE'RE AT E-4 ALREADY.
BUT E-5! I DIDN'T REALIZE WE LIVED CLOSE TO THE HOTEL.
WELL, NO KIDDING.
WE NEVER LOOK OUT THE WINDOW EXCEPT TO THROW BURNING TAPES.
WE CAN'T GO IN THE FRONT.
THEY'LL SPOT US.
WE'D BETTER CLIMB UP THROUGH THAT WINDOW UP THERE.
I'VE GOT NOTHING TO GET UP THERE WITH.
I DIDN'T BRING ANY ROPE.
WAIT, YOUR HAIR -- YOU KNOW IT'S ONE LONG STRAND.
YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER MENTION THAT AGAIN.
REEL US UP.
BY THE WAY, I LOVE YOU.
STOP IT.
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE UP.
PATIO DOOR'S LOCKED.
THERE'S PEOPLE INSIDE.
MAKE A DIVERSION SO THEY COME OUT, AND I CAN SNEAK IN AND GET THE GARMENT.
FIRE! THAT WAS EASY.
NOW WHAT WAS IT? BURNOOSE.
ANY IDEA WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE? IT LOOKS LIKE A BURNOOSE.
THERE IT IS! NOW WE'VE GOT TO WASH IT SOMEHOW.
WE CAN'T GO DOWNSTAIRS.
THE BATHTUB.
WE'LL THROW IT IN WITH SOME WATER.
WAIT! THE FAUCET'S RIGGED! WHAT? THE FAUCET'S RIGGED! IN WHAT WAY? WITH AN EXPLOSIVE! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN A SPY? OH, I DIDN'T SEE THAT.
THEY REALLY DON'T WANT PEOPLE TAKING BATHS IN THIS ROOM.
WHY DON'T WE JUST TAKE THE FAUCET OFF AND FLUSH IT? HOW'S THAT GOING TO WORK? BOOM! OH, STAND BACK! [ IMITATES WATER SPRAYING .]
IT'S FILLED UP THE TUB.
PERFECT! WE'RE GOING TO NEED SOME SORT OF DETERGENT.
DETERGENT, DETERGENT -- THE CAT! NO, THAT'S NO GOOD.
WAIT A MINUTE.
BARS OF SOAP -- THERE'S NOTHING BUT BARS OF SOAP, BUT WE HAVE TO AGITATE IT IN SOME WAY.
GIVE ME THE BEANS.
IT'S WORKING.
IT'S CLEAN! [ BLOWING .]
IT'S TAKING TOO LONG.
THIS NECKAFARK OF EMAR WILL BE HERE.
WE'VE GOT TO DRY IT OR THE CAT! STOP IT WITH THE CAT.
Colin: IT'S CLEAN, BUT IT NEEDS SOME FABRIC SOFTENER.
FABRIC SOFTENER? WELL, YOU CAN'T HAVE STATIC CLING.
THE BURNOOSE WILL STICK TO HIS THING.
THE CAT! ANYONE COMING? NO.
IT'S PERFECT! IT'S PERFECT! GOOD.
YOU BETTER MODEL IT, JUST OHH! IT FELL IN THE WATER AGAIN.
WAIT A MINUTE.
THE CAT! THE CAT'S WET NOW.
WAIT.
GIVE ME A MATCH.
OH IT'S OKAY.
I HAVE AN EXTRA BURNOOSE.
[ BUZZER .]
Ryan: I COULDN'T STOP LAUGHING.
OKAY, THAT WAS GREAT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" DON'T GO ANYWHERE.
MAN, OH, MAN.
THANK YOU.
WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" TONIGHT'S WINNERS -- WAYNE BRADY AND RYAN STILES.
THEY'RE GOING TO DO A GAME WITH ME CALLED "3-HEADED BROADWAY STAR" WITH LAURA HALL AND LINDA TAYLOR.
AND WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN IS WAYNE, RYAN, AND I ARE GOING TO PRETEND TO BE A STRANGE 3-HEADED BROADWAY STAR.
WE'RE GOING TO SING A HIT BROADWAY TUNE FOR YOU.
WE'RE GOING TO MAKE IT UP ONE WORD AT A TIME.
WHAT WE NEED FIRST IS THE NAME OF AN UNLIKELY BROADWAY MUSICAL.
[ AUDIENCE CALLING OUT SUGGESTIONS .]
Drew: THE MONKEY WHAT? Man: "THE MONKEYS ATTACK.
" THE BROADWAY MUSICAL "THE MONKEYS ATTACK.
" AND LET'S HAVE THE HIT LOVE SONG FROM "THE MONKEYS ATTACK.
" "MY BANANA, YOUR BANANA.
" WHAT? "MY BANANA, YOUR BANANA"? YEAH.
"MY BANANA, YOUR BANANA" FROM "THE MONKEYS ATTACK.
" THE BROADWAY MUSICAL "THE MONKEYS ATTACK," "MY BANANA, YOUR BANANA," ONE WORD AT A TIME.
[ PLAYING JAZZ TUNE .]
HEY MONKEY HAVE YOU SEEN MY BANANA AROUND? DON'T YOU THINK THAT IT'S TIME TO TOUCH MY BANANA? BANANA IF YOU MY TOUCH BANANA BE I'LL SAD IF YOU TOUCH MY BANANA I'LL BAD BE I WANT YOUR LOVE LY BANANAS AND YOU WANT MINE TOO [ IMITATES TRUMPET .]
[ BUZZER .]
WE GOT THROUGH IT.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" RIGHT AFTER THIS.
HEY, WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" RYAN AND COLIN ARE GOING TO END THE SHOW.
THEY'RE GOING TO READ THE CREDITS.
RYAN IS A PASSENGER ON A LONG FLIGHT.
COLIN IS SITTING NEXT TO HIM AND WON'T SHUT UP.
THANKS A LOT, EVERYBODY.
SEE YOU LATER.
BYE.
SO I SAID TO DAN PATTERSON AND MARK LEVESON -- THEY'RE COUSINS OF MINE.
DAN PATTERSON SAYS TO ME, "LOOK, YOU GOT TO DO EVERYTHING.
" I SAYS, "ARTHUR FORREST IS THE PERSON YOU TALK TO, OR MAYBE RUTH PHILLIPS OR DREW CAREY, RYAN STILES.
THAT GREG PROOPS -- HE IS SO WONDERFUL.
HAVE YOU SEEN HIM IN PERSON? HE'S VERY NICE.
KEITH RICHMOND -- HE'S THE STAGE MANAGER.
HE SAYS CARRIE HAVEL USED TO GO OUT WITH ALISON SIDERIS AND JULIE RHINE.
ANNE COFELL -- SHE HAD -- OH, DON'T DO THAT! THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT LISA HANS DID WHEN I TRIED -- -- Captions by VITAC --