Alfred Hitchcock Presents s02e31 Episode Script

Good evening.
I'm just completing a rather interesting device.
I think it will amuse you.
Tonight we are presenting a story I should have explained.
You see, this is arranged so that anyone touching the channel selector to change programs gets a nasty shock.
We rather hope we will improve the loyalty of our viewers.
There goes another one.
It's no trifling matter.
Leaves them crisp as bacon.
Unfortunately, it has one shortcoming.
It also burns out the television tube, making it impossible for the bereaved to watch the rest of the show.
Well, nothing is perfect and there's nothing like a good practical joke.
At least that's what a character in tonight's play thought.
Well, I said to him, "Where you going?" He says, "I don't know.
" The next thing I know, he goes out the door, and that's the last time I ever saw him.
That's good.
There you go, Nick, put a head on it.
Have another beer, Mr.
Halloran? I'll have another one.
To you, Halloran, for teaching me two things in my youth.
This great newspaperman taught me never to trust anyone, especially Mr.
Halloran.
But I told you how to get a story.
Yeah, for a price.
How come? And what did Mr.
Halloran do? I was only 20 at the time, just a cub on the gazette.
I told him to go to Machine Gun Riley to get a story.
I figured that Riley would give the kid the scare of his life and just toss him out on his kisser.
No, you didn't.
It was your idea of a joke.
So, what happened? Machine Gun Riley tossed me out of his second story window I was in the hospital for three months.
Mr.
Halloran, you haven't changed in 20 years.
Well, I mean well.
I'm just a guy who likes a practical joke.
Sure, you mean well.
Your idea of a practical joke is to get somebody to break a leg.
Well, good night, you sadist.
I gotta get back to the desk.
So long.
Good night, Jim.
Any big headlines tonight, Mr.
Halloran? No.
It's the deadest night in years.
Either a story breaks or Answers to the Lovelorn will be the hottest news in the 9 a.
m.
final.
Mr.
Halloran Why, Johnny, my boy, you woke up! Will you stake me to a drink? Well, sure, Johnny.
Give him a drink.
Oh, gee, thanks.
What'll it be, John? Uh, could I Could I have the good stuff? Certainly.
Give him the good stuff.
What's the matter, Johnny? You didn't have to do that, Mr.
Halloran.
That wasn't funny.
I burnt my tongue.
That was just a little furniture polish.
John, here's the good stuff.
And it's on the house.
Oh, thanks a lot, Nick.
Mr.
Halloran! Mr.
Halloran! What's the matter, Timothy? Hey, Mr.
Halloran, get a load of this.
It's the morning edition.
Let me see, what is it? Let's see.
"World ends tonight, 11:45.
" It must be a mistake.
Let me read it.
Let me read it.
What's the matter, Mr.
Halloran? "Collision with Mars.
"Mars pulled out of its orbit "by sudden gravitational shift in the sun's powers.
" Go on.
What else does it say? "Mars is pulling toward the sun "and rushing for the Earth.
" It hits us at 11:45 tonight.
Gives us only three hours.
I ain't got my glasses on, but you say it's all gonna happen in three hours? Three hours and goodbye.
Well, maybe it's just a scare.
Yeah, yeah.
What do you think, Mr.
Halloran? I don't know.
It says right here Harvard University and Palomar both confirm it.
The best astronomers in the country agree.
Dead.
All of us dead in three hours.
Well, what are we gonna do, Mr.
Halloran? Where are you going, Johnny? I don't know.
If I only got three hours to live, I guess I ought to do something with them hours.
Something I Well, I better hurry.
But what are you gonna do, John? I don't know.
How that stumblebum fell for it! The composing room sure yelled about setting up extra type for a limited edition of one.
So what? Boy, I was scared that Johnny would read the rest of the page.
But he hasn't got glasses.
That's what I was counting on.
I wonder what he'll do.
Who cares? It was a great gag.
You know, he was mighty scared, Mr.
Halloran.
What the devil's he got to be scared about? His world ended years ago.
Set them up, Nick, I'll stand the treat.
Just seeing the expression on the old guy's face was worth the trouble.
End of the world.
Mr.
Stern.
Mr.
Stern.
Oh, it's you, Johnny.
The usual half pint? Oh, I ain't got any money.
But that don't matter no more, does it? I mean, seeing as how we only got a few hours left.
What are you gabbing about? Ain't you heard, Mr.
Stern? The world's coming to an end at 11:45.
Sure, sure.
So I tell you what, Johnny, because the world is coming to an end, I'll put you on the cuff for a half a pint.
You can pay me next week.
This ain't no time to joke, Mr.
Stern.
Next week we won't be here.
Why can't you give me some real good liquor? It can't make no difference now to you or to me.
All of us ought to do something good for the little time we got left, something decent.
You could do me a big favor.
Just once more before I die, I'd like to taste fine stuff like that.
There was a time I used to drink imported cognac, believe it or not.
Look, Johnny, I'm taking inventory.
It's late.
I'm a busy man.
Leave me alone, huh? Now, take this and leave.
I said beat it, Johnny.
You come back, Johnny! Come back here, Johnny! Give me the police.
Can't let a man alone.
Never did them no harm.
It's no time to be mean to anybody.
Oh, dear, I'm so sorry.
You were taking wine home for dinner? And the bottles are all broken.
And your nice coat is all spotted! Yes, ma'am, wine.
Well, I must make amends.
I only live around the corner.
I could clean your coat and give you a nice hot cup of tea.
Come, Fritzi, that's a good girl.
That's a good girl.
Come on, Mimi.
Here we are at home at last.
You come right along.
Here we go.
Cheetah.
Come on, Mimi.
Come along.
That's it.
Down we go, and we're going right into your room.
Oh, uh, do make yourself comfortable, Mr Call me Johnny.
Oh, no, not on such short notice.
I'm Miss Green.
Felicia Green.
Now, you all have a lovely sleep and dream about beautiful bones and nasty cats.
May I help you? Oh, thank you.
Tea next.
Uh, Miss Green, what time is it? It's rather late.
My clock says 10:10.
Now, the kettle's on and soon we'll have a sizzling cup of hot tea.
Now, please, may I have your jacket so I can clean it? Do as I say.
I sure was lucky.
Lucky? How? I mean, something wonderful happening at a time like this.
What do you mean? I mean Well, just when it's all coming to an end.
Whatever is coming to an end? Oh, you ain't seen the paper? No, I haven't.
But what about the paper? Well, I The tea.
What were you saying? It doesn't matter.
Come in here.
Sit there.
Do sit down.
Thank you.
Thanks.
You don't like tea? It's hot.
Do you know, you are the first gentleman in 15 years, since Gregory, who's been allowed in this house? Uh, Gregory? He's the largest one.
The German shepherd with the beautiful tail.
I don't understand how a nice lady like you, I mean, isn't married.
Well, when I was young, I had high hopes.
But then as the years passed, no one asked.
Do drink your tea.
Ain't it been lonesome? Oh, gracious, no.
With my church work and the dogs and walking in the park I don't have time to be lonely.
You've been lucky.
Are you married? I was.
Oh.
She died, the baby died.
Long ago? Thirty years.
There's no one left? I got an older brother, Chuck, I ain't seen years and years.
Funny.
I ain't thought about any of it in a long time.
Oh, I'm so sorry to have asked you questions of such a personal nature.
Oh, no.
That's all right.
It's just that I ain't had nobody to talk with.
I guess that's why I ain't thought about her, or the baby or Chuck.
When you ain't got nobody to talk with, you don't do much thinking or remembering.
Is anything the matter? Oh, no.
Ma'am? Yes.
Miss Green, could I put a little something stronger in this tea? Oh, dear.
If you must.
Thank you.
Oh, I wish you would have just a little.
It flavors the tea.
Just perhaps a few drops.
Here, Johnny.
The spots are almost gone.
Thanks, Felicia.
Oh, what time is it? It's a little after Is anything wrong? Do you have an appointment? We all have.
What do you mean? Oh, I ain't complaining.
Nobody on earth is as lucky as I am.
Having somebody like you to be with until the world ends.
What did you say? I thought I'd end my days alone.
But now I'll be with you until it's all over.
I don't know what you mean, but you can't stay here in this house.
It's quite unthinkable.
Look, Felicia, we're both in the same boat.
Isn't it good to know that you'll be with someone till the whole world blows up? And us with it, dead? It should make you feel kind of peaceful.
It does me.
You and me together until it's all over.
You mustn't talk like that.
You mustn't talk like that.
You don't get it.
I may not be the best.
I mean, I may not be the finest guy to end your days with, but look, Felicia You are insane.
You're insane! No, no.
No, you don't understand.
No, no! Help, help! Help! What's going on here? Get him out of here.
He's insane.
She doesn't understand.
The world's coming to an end at 11:45.
I know your kind.
And such a nice lady, too! Don't worry, ma'am, I'll call the cops.
Come along, you Hey! I'm sorry.
Hello, Operator? Police, please.
Nothing I do is right.
A guy tries to do decent the last night of his life Nothing goes right.
Nothing.
What's the matter, mister? You sick or something? Hello, kids.
No, no.
I'm okay.
What are you doing in this alley so late at night? You ought to be home with your folks.
Sure, right now you ought to be with your family.
That's a joke, mister.
We ain't got no family.
We ain't got nobody.
Less than an hour.
What's the matter, mister? You're the youngest? Yeah, I'm eight.
Eight.
I had a dirty face and a cowlick when I was eight, too.
Gee.
What would you kids like more than anything in the world? Name it.
A rifle, a hunting rifle.
A basketball.
Gee, mister, if you knew how I want a basketball! And you, son? What about you? Me? Yeah, what would you like? I don't know.
Maybe a baseball bat and a glove and a ball? Or maybe a bicycle, like I wanted when I was your age.
Come on, kids.
You're all gonna get whatever you want! Come on! What? You're kidding.
No, I'm not kidding.
I mean it.
Gee whiz! Come and get 'em, kids.
Come and get 'em! Which one? Which one? Gee, I don't know, mister.
They're all so swell.
Take 'em all.
Take 'em all.
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! You happy, kid? Happy? Gee, sure! Come on! Boy, a radio! Come on! Here, try it, kid.
Try it.
Good.
Three, five Bull's eye! Great! Let's try it again.
Great! Let me ride! Let me ride.
Let me ride.
It's wonderful, ain't it, kids? Wonderful.
Look, mister, look! Hey, mister, look! Gee, this is a beauty.
It's an automatic.
But it ain't loaded.
That's easy.
Let's load it.
Hey, look! No, you don't.
Don't hurt me, mister, don't hurt me! Don't move! This ain't no time to go hurting a kid.
Leave him alone, you hear me? Leave him alone! Just stay where you are till the cops come.
The world coming to an end, you keeping kids from being happy.
They only got a few minutes and you take it away from them.
You let that kid go, do you hear me? You let that kid go! Don't come near me.
Don't.
Don't.
Don't.
Hey, let's beat it.
Yeah.
Where's the latest one? What do you mean, bud? The real headline.
The one about the world coming to an end.
You screwy or something? Stop fooling me.
There ain't no time.
I saw it right in the paper.
Look, you got all three newspapers right in front of you with all the latest news.
Now which one you gonna buy? What's wild? One-eyed jacks.
Cards.
I'm out.
I'll take one off the top.
Good one.
Another round, Mr.
Halloran? Yeah, Nick, and listen, call up the hamburger joint and order a load of sandwiches.
Okay, Mr.
Halloran.
Your bet.
Mr.
Halloran.
Why, look, Johnny, it was only a joke.
But every joke's gotta have a payoff, Mr.
Halloran.
This joke's gotta have a payoff, too.
Well, it couldn't have happened to a nicer fellow.
Unfortunately, justice had to be meted out to Johnny Gin.
However, that is all for this evening.
I hope you'll join us next time when we shall return with another story.
We also hope to have the bugs out of this little device.
Good night.