Bewitched (1964) s02e31 Episode Script

Last week, Darrin was all set to get a big new account for the agency.
What he didn't know was that the ambitious Mr.
Barkley had hired a private detective, Charlie Leach by name to check on Darrin's background and mine.
Darrin passed the test.
But when Mr.
Leach check ed with Abner's sister, Harriet she had some rather strange things to say about me.
None of which he believed, of course until he caught me in a weak moment.
When he became a nuisance, and that's putting it mildly I just had to teach him a lesson.
Unfortunately, my problems were just beginning.
Okay.
I'll get to the point.
I have proof that you're a full-blooded cauldron-stirring witch! And if you don't give me what I want, I'm gonna blow the whistle on you.
What makes you think I'm a witch? Honey, last night, you put me on a ledge outside an office building You're not gonna try to tell me that you're the typical all-American girl next door.
What if I told you I didn't care if people knew I was a witch? Well, maybe you don't, but I'll bet your husband does.
Just what do you know about Darrin? I know everything about him including the fact that he's trying to land the Robbins Baby Food account.
Have I got your interest? Go on.
And then there's this guy called Barkley who makes all the decisions about who's gonna land the account.
Well, he hired me to investigate the two of you.
You're a private detective? Now you're catching on.
Shall I go on? No, I can guess the rest.
You spied on me.
And saw some pretty wild things.
Any questions? Just one.
How'd you like to be turned into a parrot? Oh, come on.
I know you're some kind of a witch but nobody can turn a person into a parrot.
Okay.
I believe you.
I believe you.
Boy! You're some witch.
Exactly.
Now you better get out of here before I turn you into a parrot permanently.
Oh, come on, lady.
You wouldn't do that.
Besides, I don't figure you to be one of them evil witches.
In my job, you gotta be a good judge of character.
I got you figured more like the Glinda, you know the Good Witch of the West in The Wizard of Oz.
I wouldn't count on it.
You might give me a couple of shots to shake me up but it won't do no good.
By now, you should know I'm a stubborn guy and I'd keep coming back.
Also, I'd hand in that report.
Nobody would believe it.
You want to take that risk? What do you want? Well, I'm not a greedy man.
Just do over my apartment, a new car and some new clothes for me and my wife.
And you won't tell anyone? You won't bother us again? I wouldn't even tell my wife.
You have my word.
That doesn't exactly fill me with confidence.
- Where do you live? - Oh, I'll take you there right away.
No.
No, I'll meet you there.
I have to arrange for a babysitter.
It's on the fifth floor.
Hey, after I leave you ain't gonna turn me into a snake or something, are you? That, Mr.
Leach, would be totally redundant.
Charmaine, honey, I'm home.
So, what am I supposed to do, swoon? Honey, when you hear what I've got to say you may just do that, baby.
You may just do that.
Oh, swell.
You just ruined my whole coiffure.
Charmaine, I've just had the biggest break of my entire career.
- Boy, some life I got.
Can't even go to a hairdresser.
Diamonds and furs, he promises me.
And what do I get? Broken ends.
So I'll send you to the beauty parlour to have them mended.
Are you kidding? You couldn't even afford an estimate.
Charmaine, that's what I've been trying to tell you.
We're gonna be very, very rich.
You gonna rob a bank? No.
I've just been assigned a very important case by a very important client.
You mean some fink is giving you a few bucks to spy on his wife.
As a matter of fact, I'll probably get a very large retainer.
Now, you get out of here.
This client is coming over here to see me.
And it's highly confidential.
Where am I gonna go? I've seen every movie in town.
Here.
Go to the beauty parlour.
Wait a minute.
This is the rent money.
The old lady's been up three times trying to collect it.
Never mind that.
I told you we're gonna be rolling in dough.
Charlie, you aren't going all funny again, are you? - Funny? - Like this morning.
Talking about witches and all.
I was just putting you on.
No.
This is strictly legit.
Now, you go out and enjoy yourself.
When you come back, just be prepared for a big surprise.
You're gonna bless the day that you married Charlie Leach.
You said a surprise, not a miracle.
How did you get here? I didn't come here to answer silly questions.
Sure, sure.
It's just that I'm a little curious.
Oh, tell me, do you travel sort of like Batman? Now, look, Mr.
Leach, let's get one thing straight.
I don't like you.
And I don't like what you're forcing me to do.
Since I have to spend time with you let's make it as short as possible.
Okay, okay.
You don't have to get so huffy.
After all, you're You're the first witch I've ever known.
What do you want? Are you gonna do it now? Tell me, are you gonna put on one of them kooky hats? Mr.
Leach, don't press your luck.
Now, what is it you wanted? Well, I told you, new furniture for the place new clothes for me and Charmaine and a new car.
Alrighty.
Hey, this is really something.
Would you believe it? Right out of thin air.
Will I be able to get parts? Oh, I wouldn't worry about that if I were you.
I'd just enjoy driving it.
Boy, I sure will.
Wait a minute, how do I get this out of here? That's your problem.
Lady, we're five stories high.
You better get this out of here.
I'm a witch, not a parking attendant.
Who is it? Mrs.
Kratz.
And you're two weeks overdue with your rent.
I'll give it to you later.
If you think I'm gonna walk up five flights of stairs again, you're crazy.
Hey, she better not find out about this.
- You gotta do something.
- You're right.
She shouldn't see us together.
That's not what I mean.
Come back.
Come back! I'm coming in.
No.
No.
Not yet.
And I want that money today, or out you I guess you're wondering what I'm doing on the top of this car.
I was on my way to answer the door.
There's a car in the living room.
Yeah.
It's brand-new.
How do you like it? This is a fifth floor walk-up.
You got a car in a fifth floor walk-up.
Yeah.
I haven't got a garage for it yet.
How did you get it up them stairs? Well, I didn't exactly.
I assembled it up here.
Sort of a hobby of mine.
You get this car out of here, or I'll call the police.
Okay, I'll get it out of here.
How? Gonna drive it down the fire escape? Let's let me take care of that.
You better.
That's all I need, a do-it-yourself nut.
Okay, where are you? I bet you disappeared on purpose.
I did it to show you the problems you get into when dealing with a witch.
You sure you don't want to reconsider? Now, you put this car down the street where it belongs.
That's better.
Now, where's the rest of the stuff? - What first? - My new clothes.
You made them too big.
How am I supposed to know your size? Forty-two tall.
All right.
Hey.
That's better.
Makes me look like a million dollars, huh? Not even a million dollars could make you look like a million dollars.
What style do you want your apartment? Expensive.
Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
You got a lot of taste.
Do you know that? Thanks.
You made my whole day.
Little lady, I just don't know how to thank you.
I do.
Just never let me see or hear from you again.
Here you are, Mr.
Stephens.
Oh, thank you, Betty.
How was Ulcer Gulch? Did you have a nice lunch? Well, I had a peculiar lunch, Mr.
Stephens.
Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this after all.
I know you're not interested in gossip, even if it concerns you.
That's the only kind of gossip I am interested in.
Please sit down.
Shall I start right at the beginning or jump to the middle? May as well start at the beginning.
Well, I met Phoebe That's a girlfriend of mine.
Phoebe Perkins, for lunch.
Phoebe works for Mr.
Barkley at the Robbins Baby Food Company.
Anyway, I thought I'd find out if you were gonna get the account or not because You thought I'd like to know.
Also, Phoebe has a big mouth, and I thought she'd tell me.
Anyway, I subtly led the conversation around to you and then casually said: "Hey, Phoebe, is your boss gonna give my boss the account?" Well, that certainly was subtle enough.
What'd she say? Well, that's where we got to the funny part.
She said it depended on the investigation.
Investigation? She just let it slip out, but I pounced on it.
Evidently, her boss, Mr.
Barkley, thinks that anyone who's going to be associated with Robbins Baby Food should be completely wholesome and normal.
That's why they have a private detective investigate people.
A private detective? Betty, are you sure of this? Yes, sir.
Phoebe's a gossip, but she's a reliable gossip.
I can't believe it.
Mr.
Robbins seemed like such a nice guy.
I don't know anything about Mr.
Robbins but Phoebe says that little fish eyes That's what she calls her boss, Mr.
Barkley.
- Is a regular Sherlock.
She told me one poor guy didn't get a job at the company because his wife had worked as a cocktail waitress before they were married.
What did his wife have to do with it? Oh, the wholesome and normal bit goes for the wife too.
Isn't that silly? My favourite aunt is a cocktail waitress.
You're right, Betty.
I never heard of anything so ridiculous in - Sam.
- I beg your pardon? A man has been spying on Sam.
Oh, I wouldn't be upset, Mr.
Stephens.
I'm sure she wasn't doing anything she shouldn't.
Oh, my gosh.
When he threatened to hand in that report on me I agreed to do what he wanted.
Honey, that's blackmail! I know it is, sweetheart, but I didn't want to risk your losing the account.
I don't care about the account.
Don't you realize how underhanded it was for them to spy on us that way? Well, I did think it was kind of sneaky.
But I thought maybe that's how they did things in your world.
My background didn't exactly include a course in business procedures, you know.
Okay, I can understand that.
But I'm surprised you let him push you around that way.
Honey, when I married you, I made myself a promise.
Never to let my being a witch interfere with your career.
Now, do you understand? That's why I went along with him.
I'm sorry, honey.
It wasn't your fault.
But I think I should pay a visit to Mr.
Robbins and Mr.
Barkley.
Why? Larry and I agreed we wouldn't take the account, even if they offered it.
And I want the satisfaction of telling Robbins and Barkley just that.
- I'm gonna go with you.
- Why? I want the pleasure of being there when you tell them just that.
Mr.
Robbins, I'd like to point out that the graph shows that the trend is very definitely I'm sorry, Mr.
Barkley but Mr.
Stephens insisted on seeing you right away.
- What are you doing here? - I have something to get off my chest.
I think that your hiring a private detective to investigate my wife and me is underhanded, unethical and an invasion of privacy.
Because of this, I won't handle your account if you offered it to me! I don't blame you.
- You don't? - Lf what you said was true.
Darrin, whatever gave you the idea that we used private detectives? I hired the detective, Mr.
Robbins.
- You did what? - Just good business practice.
Unfortunately, this particular investigator didn't work out, and I dismissed him.
Oh? Why did you do that? Well, if you must know, he came in here with a wild story about you being a sorcerer.
- Sorceress, if you don't mind.
- What? Well, why use the fancy names when the plain ones will do.
I much prefer the simple old term, witch.
Sam! Mrs.
Stephens, this is no time for levity.
It certainly isn't.
I'd still like to know why you thought it necessary to hire a private detective.
You've got to learn to protect the company.
How did we know that these were Robbins Baby Food people? Because I happen to like Mr.
Stephens.
I also like Mrs.
Stephens.
And I don't need any private detective to tell me that.
Well, you're wrong.
You cannot rely on your own judgment.
- Really? - You hired me, didn't you? And my ambition is to become president of this company.
That means that somehow I'm going to have to get rid of you.
Why did I say that? I don't know.
But do go on.
Mr.
Robbins, I was only kidding.
Just because I had you investigated too and found out some very interesting things doesn't mean I'm going to use the information.
At least, not until the time is right.
What am I saying? L I don't know what came over me.
I had this funny feeling.
That's not unusual, Mr.
Barkley.
Most people feel strange when they've just been fired.
Mr.
Robbins! Get out.
I know it's impossible, but someone in this room did something to me to make me say those things.
Barkley, will you please leave.
Now, Mr.
And Mrs.
Stephens if you'll please accept my apologies l'd like to draw up the contract with your company.
Apology accepted.
Here's to the new account.
Something the matter? There is one thing that bothers me.
It burns me up when I think of Leach getting away with all those things.
Darrin, he doesn't have to get away with it.
You mean, you could get the stuff back? It could be arranged.
It would only take one short visit with Leach.
I don't know.
I don't like your having anything to do with that man.
Oh, Darrin, please.
Oh, please.
He wouldn't even see me.
- Where'd she go? - I'm right here.
I made myself invisible, so Leach won't even see me.
I guarantee you he won't bother us again.
May I go? Honey, I never thought I'd see the day when I'd condone witchcraft.
Go ahead.
Do your worst.
It'll be a pleasure.
Well, how do you like the place? You just can't get over it, can you? How much did this guy pay you? A couple of grand.
A couple of grand? This stuff must have cost a fortune.
Charlie, you been holding something out on me? Oh, of course not.
L I just managed to get it cheap, that's all.
From a fence? Oh, no, this is strictly legit, Charmaine.
You see, this guy happens to run a discount place and he took sort of a liking to me and he managed to give me a deal.
Funny.
It looks like good stuff.
Of course.
It's the best.
Now, would I give you anything shoddy? Open the champagne, Charlie.
Okay.
Get ready for a big pop.
What's this stuff made of? Balsa wood? I don't get it.
You and your cheap deals! I tell you, it's something Then how do you explain that? Termites? It's her! She's in here somewhere! I know you're in here! Where are you?! Where?! You're out there! You're out there, aren't you? Where are you? I know you're out there! I knew it.
You've flipped your lid.
If you take this back, I'll report you! Where are you?! Who are you talking to?! It's the witch, of course! You better not mess around with Charlie Leach! Charmaine, come on! Hurry up! Is this your idea of a joke? She did it again.
- The witch? - That's right.
Honest.
You gotta believe me.
Charmaine! Charmaine, come back! I'm telling the truth! Charmaine, come back! If there's one thing I can't stand, it's an Indian giver.
Mr.
Leach, haven't you learned your lesson? I'll give you one more chance.
If you don't give me what I want, I'm gonna hand in that report.
You're bluffing.
I know you've been fired from the Robbins Company.
Okay, I've been fired.
But why don't you give me what I want anyway.
Won't it be a lot easier? No.
I don't like blackmailers.
I warn you, I'll keep coming back and bugging you until you give me what I want.
And nothing you can do can stop me.
We'll see about that.
As we say in old Mexico Olé! That ought to hold him for a while.
- Good morning.
- Oh, hi, sweetheart.
- You ready for breakfast? - You bet.
Who was at the door? Oh, just a man trying to sell something.
Did you get rid of him? I don't think he'll be bothering us again.
Good.
Oh, she ain't gonna get rid of me that easy.
When I get back to New York l'm gonna pay that witch lady a visit.