Batman (1966) s02e33 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
Another pleasant night steals over Gotham City.
And speaking of stealing what unholy alliance is this? The Catwoman and that cunning continental criminal, the Sandman? My record's been clean for months.
I'm no longer even on parole.
You can't blame me for not trusting you.
After all, I haven't been in Gotham City for long.
If you didn't think you could trust me, why did you go to the trouble of finding me and asking my advice and help? Good point.
Two of my henchmen are waiting in the corridor to put the rest of my somnambulistic scheme to work.
Sweet dreams, Sandman.
- How did it go, Sandman? -Like a lullaby.
She can be of great help to me.
What a cat-and-mouse game, Catwoman.
We were so fascinatingly feline.
Thank you, kittens.
Soon J.
Pauline Spaghetti's fortune will be in my claws alone.
And Sandman will find himself entwined in my cat's cradle forever.
And when J.
Pauline Spaghetti's fortune is in my hands I'll put Catwoman to sleep forever.
I have fed the catfish, Catwoman watered the caterpillar ferns -Mm.
and re-made your couch in your favorite cat-skin comforter.
-Mm.
And now I should pick up some fresh catnip.
Mm Fresh catnip at this time of night? - Commissioner Gordon.
-This is Policewoman Mooney.
Your hunch was right.
Meow! Policewoman Mooney! Policewoman Mooney! Something's happened.
Just as we suspected, Chief O'Hara.
Sandman and Catwoman are in cahoots.
In spite of all her promises to go straight.
Ha.
You know what this could mean to Gotham City? 'Tis an ill wind that blows across this proud borough tonight.
I hesitate calling on Batman at this hour, but Especially since no crime has been committed.
No crime? My every instinct tells me that a member of our own fine force, Policewoman Mooney, is in dire danger.
And who knows what may follow when Gotham City's foremost female felon, Catwoman has aligned herself with Europe's crack criminal, Sandman.
I must alert the Caped Crusader for the sake of us all.
There it is again.
That funny beeping sound from Bruce's study.
Uh, no doubt some of his hi-fi equipment needs adjusting.
Now, excuse me, madam.
Hi-fi? Beeping with Bruce out of the city? I'm sorry to report, sir, but Batman is away on personal business.
Oh.
Uh, of course.
Thank you.
He's away on personal business.
I'm afraid we've been overlooking something, Chief O'Hara.
Batman has a life of his own which we know nothing about.
Well, even Batman is entitled to a wee bit of privacy.
Oh, if I might make a suggestion.
Do.
Please do.
- The Bat-Signal, commissioner.
-Good.
NARRATOR".
Meanwhile in the back country Bruce, the Bat-Signal.
There must be trouble in Gotham City.
I sure hope Batman sees it.
Yes, so do I.
Sack time, fellas.
Go down to the creek and brush your teeth.
Then come back and hit the old sleeping bags.
We better get back to town.
How? We can't take these boys out of here on a 20-mile hike this time of night.
What's the matter? My ear's ringing.
It's probably the altitude.
Some altitude.
It keeps saying, "To the Batpoles, to the Batpoles, to the Batpoles.
" NARRATOR".
What do we have here? An advertising stunt? Or maybe something else entirely? Do you really think she's asleep? Or else she's putting on a great act.
Good heavens, who's that man? He can't be part of the display.
You mean the young lady taken out of that window wasn't even employed by your store? That's right, the girl we hired wasn't supposed to go to sleep on the job until noon today.
While no one was watching, this other female managed to get through security and make her way to the bed.
Of course, she was asleep in an instant.
Those Morpheus Mattresses.
Like sleeping on a zephyr.
This is no time for a sales pitch, Mr.
Smuggly.
I'll call you back as soon as we have something to go on.
Good thing we don't run this department like he runs that slumber section.
Heh.
Slumber section, Morpheus Mattresses, sleeping on a zephyr? Mother Machree, we're on the same wavelength.
- Sandman? -Can there be any doubt about it? Or that Catwoman is somehow involved? Be careful of that.
It's still warm from the last try.
Grain by grain, the hen fills her belly, Chief O'Hara.
Sir? A pithy proverb about patience.
Batman told it to me himself.
Alfred, that beeping sound is beginning to disturb me.
I'll have another go at the hi-fi, madam.
Oh.
No, sir.
I regret to inform you-- One second.
He's here now.
I've been sorely tempted to have this device disconnected, sir.
I well understand, Alfred.
Yes, commissioner? Batman.
Batman.
L-- I won't waste time telling you how glad I am to have finally reached you.
Please don't.
Go on.
Well, we suspect that canny continental crook, Sandman, is in Gotham City has made contact with Catwoman, and the two of-- Say no more.
We'll be there in a matter of minutes, commissioner.
About that ringing in your ears Oh, it's louder than ever.
- To the Batpoles! -To the Batpoles! Once more, what do we have here? Today's exclusive scoop is Sleeping Beauty.
Or rather the young lady who was abducted from the Morpheus Mattress window display this morning and miraculously made her escape and just appeared in our studio here to tell her story.
- Catwoman.
- No, I'm not here to tell my story.
She should get an award for sheer gall.
I'm here to tell about the most heavenly sleep I've ever had.
Yes.
Well, there I was.
Your run-of-the-mill customer having just bought this nightgown.
When I saw the mattress display in the window, well, I thought I'd catch a cat-- Forty winks.
And the next moment, there I was sleeping like a dream.
Completely unaware that you were in a store window.
Oh, unaware.
Thanks to Dr.
Somnambula I can sleep anywhere, any time.
Dr.
Somnambula? I'm sorry, but this is no place for free commercials.
I wouldn't do that.
Well, you see, I bought all these nightgowns, but I couldn't sleep.
Dr.
Somnambula cured me.
Dr.
Somnambula can make anyone sleep.
Uh-- Uh-- Let's get back to your abduction.
Shall we, ladies and gentlemen? Ha-ha.
She's gone.
Heh-heh.
Of course she's gone.
There's a devious and dangerous design here someplace, Chief O'Hara.
I'm beginning to think you're right, commissioner.
And what audacious arrogance.
Where the devil is Batman? But while the Caped Crusaders head for their rendezvous with a diabolical destiny once more, what do we have here in this abandoned mattress factory? You surprised me, Catwoman.
I saw the broadcast, you were charmingly convincing.
- Except when I almost said "catnap.
" Hm? -But you didn't.
Your disguise was perfect and it worked like a dream.
Now all of Gotham City will have heard of Dr.
Somnambula and no one will suspect that I shall be he.
Not even J.
Pauline Spaghetti.
Don't be alarmed.
That phone is listed as my office.
Pretend you're my nurse.
Dr.
Somnambula's office.
Uh, this is J.
Pauline Spaghetti.
Hm.
I'd like to speak to the doctor.
The doctor is quite busy at the moment, Mrs.
Spaghetti.
There are 80 patients in the office, and the line outside extends around Gotham Park several times.
I am only interested in my own problems, nobody else's.
I saw that Sleeping Beauty on television today.
Uh, I want to know what his fee is for a penthouse call.
Penthouse call.
Fifty thousand dollars.
I will give him a hundred thousand if he's here in 10 minutes.
Top floor of the J.
Pauline Spaghetti Hotel.
I'll give him your message, Mrs.
Spaghetti.
He'll try to get back to you today.
- Did we get the 50? -Hundred thousand.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
What fun I'll have with all those billions of dollars.
You'll have, Sandman? We'll have, Catwoman.
That's better.
I do hope this little caper will attract Batman and Robin.
I hope so too.
That's where I thought you'd be invaluable.
- As a decoy for the Dynamic Duo? -Not exactly a decoy.
Between us, we should be able to handle the caped crime-fighters.
Perfectly.
- That was a quick trip.
-Yes.
Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara didn't have much to offer.
One, a policewoman has vanished.
Two, Catwoman and Sandman are apparently in cahoots.
Three, a girl was abducted from a store window.
Four, she turned up on television.
And five, she disappeared.
You're right, Batman, it's nothing.
Of course, as Commissioner Gordon says, it all could be building up to something.
Let's try putting ourselves into Sandman's shoes.
What would he be after? Money.
Isn't that what we've always heard? Exactly, old chum.
And into whose eyes would he scatter his sand to get that money? Someone very rich.
And very likely, someone who has trouble sleeping.
Or why the pointed plug on television for Dr.
Somnambula? Holy alter ego.
You think Sandman and Dr.
Somnambula are one and the same? I do, Robin.
And I also think that ersatz Sleeping Beauty is Catwoman.
And it's all some murky masquerade to hoodwink a hapless, sleepless moneybags.
Now, can you name some famous insomniacs? Well, there was Olaf the Sad of Norway.
He's been dead for 800 years.
And that famous Chinese historian, Fu Hop Chung.
Born with no eyelids.
The French empress whose head stayed awake even after she'd been guillotined? Poor creature.
No, no, it must be someone here in Gotham City right now.
Let's give the Batcomputer a crack at it.
Batman, look! Why? What skinny macaroni.
No.
It's spaghetti, Robin.
A variety of elementary paste larger than vermicelli, but not as tubular as maca-- That's it.
Spaghetti.
J.
Pauline Spaghetti, one of the richest women in the world who made a fortune in noodles and who searched the world over for a solution to her sleeping problems.
Is that the J.
Pauline Spaghetti who owns the J.
Pauline Spaghetti Hotel? One and the same.
And she's right here at that hotel in Gotham City now.
There isn't a second to waste, Robin.
How long have you been suffering from insomnia, Mrs.
Spaghetti? Ever since I made my second billion with my secret noodle recipe.
Heh-heh.
That's very interesting.
Oh, about seven years ago, I did doze for a few moments at a rock 'n' roll concert.
Since then, nothing.
I'm sure I can help you, Mrs.
Spaghetti.
First of all let's see what the stethoscope tells us.
What does the stethoscope tell you about my forehead? Ha-ha-ha.
My dear Mrs.
Spaghetti.
The intransitive roots of your sensory-motor activity are located right here between your paladinious canals and your sinualidated cavities.
Wonderful.
Are you asleep, Mrs.
Spaghetti? Yes, doctor.
Where do you keep your financial records? In my dressing table, just like any other woman.
Get them for me.
Here's my financial journal.
Go back to bed again and lie down, Mrs.
Spaghetti.
Sweet dreams, and let nothing disturb you.
"Oil fields: Texas, Oklahoma, Saudi Arabia, Outer Mongolia.
Diamond mines: Montana, South Africa, Brazil.
Cash deposits: Gotham City National Bank, Gotham City Security Bank Gotham City Continental Bank, Gotham City--" I told you to stay on the terrace in case I ran into trouble.
You've run into trouble.
A funny-looking jalopy parked in the rear alley a minute ago.
Some kind of a hook snagged the terrace railing.
And two way-out characters are climbing up the wall on ropes.
Real weirdoes.
Batman and Robin.
Get out of here.
By the front way.
I'll wrap this up in a jiffy.
- What happened? -You've been in the land of Nod Mrs.
Spaghetti.
Not for long, but it was a start.
Oh, wonderful.
You are my savior, Dr.
Somnambula.
Oh, I want you always by my side.
I want you to call me J.
Pauline.
- Batman.
Robin.
What brings you here? - He did.
If he's Dr.
Somnambula.
Oh, indeed he is.
My own beloved Dr.
Somnambula.
He has just given me the first real sleep I have had in years.
We have good reason to believe that Dr.
Somnambula is also Sandman, the notorious European criminal.
And after your money.
That is utterly ridiculous.
He may just have stolen something while you were asleep.
- Do you keep your valuables here? -Yes.
My dressing table drawer.
You must keep busy, Batman.
Climbing walls and making unfounded accusations.
Unfounded? We know you're in cahoots with Catwoman.
Catwoman? Who is Catwoman? We'll talk about that later.
And if anything's missing-- There is nothing missing.
MY jewelry.
My financial ledger.
Two or 300,000 dollars I keep for pin money.
It is all here.
- Are you sure? - I am positive.
And I refuse to listen to any more nonsense about that medical genius, Dr.
Somnambula.
He He's gone.
Oh.
You've driven him away with your stupid charges.
I'm sorry.
Even before he was paid.
I apologize.
Oh, how can I ever sleep again? I don't know whether I can help you with that, Mrs.
Spaghetti.
Perhaps if we left you alone.
Yes.
Suppose you do that.
That door leads to the hall.
The hall leads to the elevator.
The elevator leads to the street.
It's quicker than any Batrope.
NARRATOR".
Moments later, in the Morpheus Mattress Factory Batman and Robin are back on the Sandman's trail.
That was a brainstorm of yours.
Checking with Commissioner Gordon about the signs in Sleeping Beauty's window.
Our encounter with J.
Pauline Spaghetti woke me up a little, old churn.
But let's beware and be wary.
There is something about this place that seems a little strange.
It's nap time for both of you.
All right, boys, put him to bed.
This machine will button you up forever, Batman.
Wonder Boy, or whatever they call you, start the machine.
Robin.
What have they done to you? I'm sorry we can't remain for the last stitch, but you were right about me and Catwoman.
And I promised her a little souvenir of this quilting bee.
Robin will fill the bill nicely.
Take him.