Anger Management s02e34 Episode Script

Hey, Charlie.
Whatever it is, I can't deal with it right now.
I've got a lot on my mind and I'm about to start group.
But this is huge.
Fine.
What is it? I'm into fat chicks.
I went to a party this weekend and the big girls are awesome.
If you're holding the dip bowl, you're in the center of the action.
What kind of a low-rent, suburban shindig were you at where they made you hold the dip bowl? You don't seem happy for me.
I just spoke to Kate.
She went out with a guy who might give us the grant money for our research.
Sounds like she came within an inch of sleeping with him.
Wait, wait, wait.
I thought you wanted her to sleep with the guy so you could get the grant to keep your sex study going.
That was only when the guy was a woman.
Sleeping with a guy who's a guy is totally unsavory.
Oh, so you're okay with her having sex as long as it's lesbian sex.
- Well, that's totally savory.
- Right.
Ed: What are you blaming me for? If you were in better shape, you wouldn't have hurt your back.
Oh, for heaven's sakes.
Whoa, Martin, are you okay? No, I'm fine.
Getting old is tough.
My grandpa sneezed once and now he looks like the letter N.
Oh, please.
He threw his back out this morning in the park playing chess with the local Negroes.
Was it the chess, Ed, or was it the running away after you called them "local Negroes"? Well, what's the big deal? They call it the United Negro College Fund.
How come when I say it, I end up hiding behind a jungle gym? Because, Ed, you called the man you were playing chess with "Jungle Jim.
" Oh.
Martin, if your back hurts, you could come with me to yoga tomorrow afternoon.
I think it'll totally help you.
No, thanks for the offer, Lacey, but there's nothing wrong with my back.
And even if there was, I'm afraid yoga's a little out of my price range.
No problem.
I've got a two-week guest pass for family members.
You could pretend to be my dad.
When I was 14, I found out my dad was pretending to be my dad.
I also found out I was 16.
Please, Martin? Sure, I'd be delighted to play your father, but not because I need it, because, you know, I don't need it.
What's the matter? Aren't you gonna pick up those keys with that healthy back? You know me, I like to make a game out of life.
For example, let's see if I can get these keys up and out the door, down to the curb, and up onto the hood of my car while only using my feet.
Since when do you care about Martin's back? ( Keys jingle ) Or anybody's back? Or anybody? Or anything? Shh.
My yoga teacher is super hot.
( Keys jingle ) The only bad thing about him is he cares about family and karma and all that crap.
( Keys clatter ) Voilà.
Good-bye, everyone.
Are these your keys, Grandpa? You're not allowed to touch them.
He's playing a game.
Oh.
Sorry, Grandpa.
Kate? Kate? Oh, hello, Charlie.
Leslie.
What the hell are you doing here? I'm taking Kate to lunch.
We're going to discuss the grant.
She's waiting in the car.
Hey, wait a second.
You're the guy in charge of the grants? Surprise.
Your entire future is in my hands.
You're a tool and I don't buy the accent.
So what did I do to incur such wrath? You tried to stop me from sleeping with one of my ex-patients.
Oh, oh, so I'm a terrible person because I have morals and standards and I try to stop you doing something unethical? You were trying to screw her, too! Let's not nitpick.
Look, you obviously have feelings for Kate.
It must be very difficult for you knowing that we'll be going on a trip together this weekend.
Oh, really? Where? A sleepy little hamlet about an hour north.
Perhaps you've heard of it.
Pound Town.
Hey, Lis, you got a minute? ( Laughing ) I was just talking to your boss about my grant.
Isn't it awful? - What's that? - Talking to him.
Yeah, what a dick.
I wanted to talk to you more about that off the record.
Oh ( Laughs ) I don't know if I feel comfortable with that.
Look, I'm not asking you to undermine your boss.
I'm asking you to help me dig up some dirt so we can ruin him.
And why would I do that? Because if we don't do something by Friday, Kate, that raven-haired goddess you had a crush on, is going to be groped by Leslie's pasty, British, inbred man hands.
( Laughing ) I think you should probably leave.
He's a man.
A disgusting, hairy man.
Oh, stop it.
You know, sometimes when I get out of the shower, I look in the mirror and I cry.
You know why? - Uh-uh.
- Because I'm a man.
All right, all right, all right, all right, all right.
I'll tell you everything, but it's not gonna do you any good.
Okay, he does this all the time.
He promises women he'll fund their research in exchange for sex, and then after he sleeps with them, he doesn't give them the money.
What? What kind of a lowlife has sex and doesn't pay for it? Anger Management 2x34 - Charlie and the Sting - Original air date September 12, 2013 Oh, my God, here he comes.
Hi, Tyler.
Namaste.
Is that all you're wearing? You look like a streetwalker.
At least I can walk.
- Namaste.
Lacey, right? - You remembered.
This is my father.
I brought him here to help him heal.
Because like you said, "Who you are on the mat is who you are in life.
" "The universe is a circus.
" - Circle.
- Circle.
We have a very close-knit family.
Sadly, her mother died recently of a heart attack.
Probably because she saw the way her daughter dresses for yoga class.
Oh, Dad.
My mom's body was a lot like mine, so I like to show it off in her memory.
I think the angriest I've ever been in my life was the first time I got arrested.
Understandable.
Followed by the fourth time I got arrested.
Also understandable.
Second and third are both tied.
And five through 12 whew kind of a blur.
But I was actually asking everybody to tell a story from their childhood.
( Chuckles ) That was my childhood.
( Cell phone chiming ) Hello, Kate? Oh, hi.
No, no, it's not time for my Pap smear.
Sorry, guys, I was really hoping that was somebody else.
What's going on, Charlie? You know that woman that I talk about occasionally Kate? Robot lady.
( Chattering ) Anyways, she's going out of town this weekend to have sex with a total scumbag.
This guy promises women grant money for sex and then never gives them the grant.
The problem is I've only got 48 hours to bring the guy down, but I don't have any evidence.
You need to break the law, Charlie.
Cleo's right.
You need to tape him.
Tape him? You mean like wear a wire? No.
Tape his mouth, tape his hands, take him out to the desert and dig a hole.
No.
Yes.
I'll tape him and I'll use that for the evidence.
Wayne: Whatever you do, don't wear one of those hidden cameras they hide in glasses.
People catch on to that and you end up dead in the shower like that guy.
What's that boy's name again? Fake-ass-glasses-dead-snitch-Pete.
This guy have a nickname? "John.
" Hey, Saundra.
It's Charlie Goodson.
Yeah, that was an awesome date.
Listen, I'm back from the Sudan now.
Yeah, just put the bags over there.
Anyway, I need your help.
There's this sketchy guy who's tricking women into having sex no, it's not me.
But I am gonna be taping it and wait, hello? Charlie, none of these girls are gonna do pervy stuff with you if you just come out and ask 'em.
No, no, no.
It's not what you think.
There's this sleazebag who's trying to seduce Kate, so I'm trying to find a way to trick him into revealing himself.
And now you can't find anyone to help you.
No, no.
I've asked every remotely bangable woman I know who could possibly seduce and then I thought, "Why not go classy?" Would you do this for me, Jen? I'm gonna pass.
Oh, come on.
I really need this.
Well, I like Kate and I don't wanna see her get hurt.
Plus, I'm bored out of my mind.
The old lady across the street invited me mall walking and I thought, "Maybe.
" Well, you'll do it.
Great.
Thank you.
Now this guy has to really believe that you're applying for a grant.
Can you pretend to be a psychologist? Well, I've been watching you pretend for the last 10 years.
Hey, hey, hey.
It's 12 years in June.
Hello, Lacey.
Sorry I'm late.
You know you don't have to be here anymore.
You must have old man stuff to do.
I'm not here to bother you, kid.
After yesterday, my back feels a whole lot better.
In fact, Ed didn't have to help me put on my socks this morning, which was a win-win for everybody.
Okay, everybody.
We're gonna start slowly today with some cat-cow stretches.
Tyler, could you come over here and see if my butt's doing this right? You're doing great.
But what you wanna do is tilt your pelvis like this.
All right, buddy.
You wanna get your hands off my daughter's body? Relax, Dad.
He's just realigning my chakras.
Most of the best ones are in the bathing suit area.
He better stop before I realign his face.
Dad.
Can't you see what he's doing? I'll bet you he's slept with half the people in this class.
Hey, come on, let's be honest.
Who of you have slept with this guy? You should all be ashamed of yourselves.
I came here hoping to have a spiritual experience and now I feel dirty.
But not as dirty as I was hoping to feel.
( Laughs ) Wow.
After everything I had heard about you, I'm surprised you're so funny and charming.
I say no to a lot of people and you know how catty the scientific community can be.
Oh, you don't have to tell me.
Whenever I'm walking around with the other scientists in my white lab coat, they're all, "This scientist is bad at science.
" And I'm all like, "Come on, guys.
Science.
" I couldn't have said it better myself.
So why don't you tell me more about your fascinating little study? Well, I wanna study dignity in rodents.
I'm sorry, I thought you said "dignity in rodents.
" I did.
I wanna find out how much they'll sacrifice their dignity to get something that they really want.
I see, my little field mouse.
Do you like magic? Card magic? Doesn't every woman love card magic? I'm actually quite good.
- I trained under the Great Couchelle.
- Ooh.
Here, sign your name on this card.
And then I'm going to fold it with one hand.
And place it inside your mouth.
And then I'm going to write my name "Leslie" fold it and you are going to place it inside my mouth.
And now we're going to kiss.
And something magical is going to happen.
Look at your card.
Wait, this has your name on it.
- That's amazing! - Thank you.
And this is yours.
And it says "I'm Charlie Goodson's ex-wife.
" That's amazing, too! In a less fun way.
My office couldn't find your bio, so I did a bit of research and I saw this picture of you sitting in the back of a pickup truck drinking a PBR and I thought, "Ooh, that's not a titan of science.
" So why are you really here, Jennifer? I'm sorry.
I only did it to help Charlie.
You know why he's out to get me, don't you? A while back, we were competing for a girl named Hope and he lost.
What?! He's got me throwing myself at you because of some other woman? Leslie Moore.
Didn't expect to see you here.
That is one hot piece of tail you got there.
Is she gonna benefit from your special Pound Town endowments? ( Cell phone ringing ) Your chips are ringing.
( Ringing continues ) ( Ringing stops ) Charlie, he knows! I'm sorry, who are you and how do you know my name? Why didn't you tell me this was just part of some stupid, macho revenge fantasy of yours? Is that what this snake told you? He's not a snake.
He's charming and smart.
And you let me humiliate myself over some random skank.
Come on, Leslie, we can finish this up at my place.
Wait, you're doing this just to get back at Charlie, aren't you? - Hells, yeah! - I'm fine with that.
I haven't had revenge sex in years.
I forgot how good it is.
I've never had revenge sex.
I've only ever been the reason for it.
Charlie's jealous of you.
That's what makes you so hot.
I know.
What exactly was he trying to get on me, anyway? Something about you having sex with women in exchange for grants.
But don't tell me if it's true or not.
I don't want to know.
Brilliant.
I mean, we all understand the way the world works.
You have something these women want, they have something you want.
Exactly.
It's quid pro quo.
Let's pretend I am a scientist and I do want a grant really bad.
Okay.
What would I have to do? Would I have less dignity than a field mouse? Oh, good Lord, no.
I'm not a monster.
I would just I would just tell you that you have to have sex with me to get the grant.
And after that, you know, it's good old-fashioned, me-in-women's-hosiery-woman-on-top sex.
Charlie, is that enough? I'm starting to get grossed out.
What do you think, Lisa? Is that enough? ( Lisa laughs ) What is the meaning of this? The meaning of this is you're busted.
And I'm pretty sure by tomorrow morning, Lisa's going to have your job.
Yeah, who's laughing now? ( Laughs ) I am.
( Laughs ) You have nothing on me.
It's your words against mine.
Yeah, well, that's where you're wrong, "Oliver Twit.
" We've got you admitting everything on hidden camera.
That's not a camera, Charlie, that's just a clock.
Well, where's the hidden camera? It's up on the mantle disguised as a video camera.
( Sighs ) Leslie: Okay, Charlie, give me the camera and I'll give you a grant to study the beaches of Acapulco.
Forget it, Leslie.
He who laughs last laughs best.
Oh, come on, Lisa.
One time.
( Laughing ) Kate.
I know you hate being wrong, but Leslie's out, Lisa's in, and we got the grant.
Hey, Kate.
Are you in there? Where's all your stuff? What's going on? Why'd you leave a note? You're not in there, are you? Maybe I should read the note.
Okay, Charlie is officially And there's nothing to eat.
Therapy snacks are the most important meal of the day.
All right, here's what I could scrounge up.
A bottle of '94 Bordeaux, some Camembert cheese, a tin of caviar, and toast points.
Didn't he have any of his usual donuts and muffins? Yeah.
Ahem.
Hey, everybody.
Sorry I'm late.
Tons of traffic.
I thought we'd pick it up where we left off last week.
I guess I'm going to be the one to ask.
Do you have any donuts? Damn, son, what the hell happened to you? Why, because you all decided to show up early and I'm comfortably dressed? You brought out my wine.
Sweet.
I probably shouldn't drink this on an empty stomach.
I feel like this should be fun, but it's not.
What happened to you? Nothing.
Oh, Kate left.
Probably forever.
Kate? Oh, so now you can't finish your research study.
Oh, it goes deeper than that.
She wasn't just my research partner and best friend.
We also had phenomenal sex together.
Charlie, are you sure you want to tell us this? Thank you.
You're right.
Too personal.
She never ran out of saliva.
But now she's gone.
She did leave me this cool letter.
If you could read that for me.
( Sighs ) Try not to crease it.
I'm saving that for my scrapbook.
Would you pass the caviar? "Dear Charlie," I don't like what I've become.
"I've done some soul-searching recently" If Kate's out looking for her soul, she'll be searching for a long time.
Okay.
"When I realized I was willing" to have sex with a stranger to advance my career, it scared me.
"I've lost my moral compass" Kate never had a moral compass.
She was always heading in the direction of self-by-self-centered.
Continue.
I don't want to.
Continue! We're playing a game.
Yeah, never mind.
It goes on and on like that.
Long story short, she's moved to India to find herself and wants to live in an ashram or something.
How crazy is that? Said the man not wearing any pants.
And, Ed, it feels great.
Hey, anybody ever been to a gun range? Charlie, are you going to be okay? Of course I'm going to be okay.
I just woke up from a three-year mistake.
Look at me, I'm free.
Now I can do whatever the hell I want to.
Ahh.
That's where those go now.
So, Ed, last week you were angry because you broke a shoelace.
How's that going for you?